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Newt Gingrich Goes Off on CNN & the Media in General at GOP Debate

2012-01-20T16:16:00.003-06:00

Let me just say upfront that I have no affection for Newt Gingrich, whatsoever. You'd be hard pressed to find a bigger hypocrite in Washington. (But of course you would find quite a large number who rank at his peers in that regard.)

I don't know whether is ex-wife was telling the truth about the whole “open marriage,” nor do I give a rat's ass. Of course, we can't say the same about ol' Newt back in the 90's when he heading up the witch hunt against Clinton. Enough said.

CNN certainly sunk to a new low by beginning last night's GOP presidential debate with the whole sordid, trivial topic. But that's politics in America, folks. Gingrich was quite correct in his response to John King – even if the words don't pack quite as much punch coming from such a slime ball.

Wal-Mart CEO Offers Michele Bachmann Lifetime Discount to Stop Comparing Company to "Bad Shit"

2011-12-22T14:36:00.002-06:00

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann seems to have a fixation on Wal-Mart -- and chain stores in general. Her latest foot-in-mouth incident occurred this week when she compared the North Korean missile delivery system to the mega retail outlet. Several years ago, she called called Planned Parenthood, "The Wal-Mart of big abortion."

Bachmann also made a similar reference to Lenscrafters earlier this year. Whatever the reason for her constant use of Wal-Mart similes, CEO Mike Duke held a press conference outside the company's headquarters in Bensonville, Arkansas in an attempt to get Bachmann to cease with the peculiar references.

"Look, we feel Representative Bachmann's content comparisons to Wal-Mart and bad shit put both the shoppers who frequent out retail outlets, and the company itself, in a bad light," Duke explained.

"Even if she doesn't mean it in a negative way, we would life to respectfully request that she stop comparing Wal-Mart to bad shit. To help grease the wheels of diplomacy, I am offering Mrs. Bachmann a lifetime 25% discount in any of our stores if she doesn't mention us ever again."

Neither Bachmann or anyone from her camp has yet responded to the proposal.

Remy: Grandma Got Indefinitely Detained (A Very TSA Christmas)

2011-12-21T13:49:00.001-06:00

Remy has created some quite hysterical spoofs, I'm told. (I'm not terribly familiar with his/their work, I have to admit.)

If Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer still haunts you -- and not in a positive way -- this new take on the cheesy Christmas classic just might breath some new life into it.

In this version, Grandma doesn't get trampled to death by a mythical, flying Rangifer tarandus; however she does get roughed up at the airport by well-meaning TSA officials. (You be the judge which is actually worse.)

It's poignant, it's timely, and it will have you laughing so hard at how hard we're getting screwed by our elected officials. Hey, but if we can't laugh at loss of civil liberties, then the terrorists have truly won, haven't they?

Black Friday Pepper Spray Incident

2011-11-27T12:37:00.000-06:00

Black Friday can always be relied upon for one or two good examples of how the disease of consumerism can turn otherwise reasonable people into a rabid animals. Hey, what can we expect? Businesses reply on this time of year to rack up the bulk of their profits. The leaner the year has been, the more frenetic the advertising campaigns leading into the prime buying season.

Actually, I'm probably being way too kind by saying "reasonable people." No, only the shallowest of human specimens would resort to violent behavior just to get their grubby hands on the latest piece of technology just so little Timmy won't have to suffer the humiliation of not having the latest gizmo. Their the same people driving $25,000 vehicles they can't afford. Good stuff shows you're a success. And it doesn't matter if spend several decades paying off the interest. Image is everything.

Which brings me to the woman in southern California -- the Los Angeles neighborhood of Porter Ranch, to be exact -- who wasn't about to get bested by her fellow Black Friday masochists at Walmart. There's nothing like a hosing down the competition with pepper spray to take the will right out of 'em. You have to admire her determination, I guess, if not her mental health. Witnesses report that the woman began her assault as shoppers were clawing for Xbox consoles.

There are plenty of more similar incidents out there, but this one I found the most amusing. At least there haven't been any reports of deaths by trampling, this year.

She turned herself in 24 hours after the incident, and hasn't been identified. You can read more about here.

Jon Stewart on the Jerry Sandusky interview Bob Costas interview

2011-11-16T11:32:00.000-06:00

When I first heard about the Bob Costas interview with accused pedophile (paedophile for any UK readers) Jerry Sandusky, I had a brief moment of disgust. Anything for ratings, right? Then I came to the conclusion that everyone is guilty until proven innocent in a court-of-law, and has the right to be heard. I'll reserve my disdain for journalists and commentators who give air-time to those convicted of violent offenses, from now on.

But holy shit, when I heard the most damning excerpts from this phone interview, I had to shake my head with disbelief. You need an over-abundance of basic knowledge of psychology to read guilt into Sandusky's mind numbingly stupid response to a question that should have been answered with a single word. One would think he would have procured the services of a more competent attorney.

This is the kind of story that Jon Stewart live for, of course. And with his usual comic aplomb. he delivers several minutes of pure gold on the whole debacle.

The Daily Show
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'When Harry Met Sally 2' with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren

2011-11-11T11:46:00.002-06:00

You an always depend on the folks at Funny or Die to serve up some up some hilarious spoofery with their usual high production values. This time, they take aim at the classic "chick flick" with When Harry Met Sally 2 -- or Grampires.

Starring Billy Crystal and Helen Mirren, the faux trailer is further strengthened by the performances of Rob Reiner, Adam Scott, Maya Rudolph and Mike Tyson. (Yes, that Mike Tyson, the creepy boxer dude.)

You'll laugh 'til it hurts -- or it's over, one of the two.

When Harry Met Sally 2 with Billy Crystal & Helen Mirren from Billy Crystal

Joe the Plumber Running for Congress

2011-10-26T21:10:00.002-05:00

It seems Samuel Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. "Joe the Plumber," is planning to run for Ohio’s 9th Congressional District. Wurzelbacher made the announcement Tuesday evening at a Hungarian restaurant in Toledo. (Gotta be a joke there, but I'm too tired to come up with it.) He'll be running as a Republican.

Apparently his 15 minutes of fame during the 2008 presidential election didn't quench his thirst for the limelight. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I begrudge him the right to enter into politics if he is truly sincere about making a difference in government -- I'm just a little skeptical. After all, he did milk the media spotlight for all it was worth after that little moment with Obama catapulted him to instant fame. The Pubs certainly made him into the anti-Communist poster boy, that's for sure.

Obviously we have our fair share of former celebrities who have jumped into politics at the state and federal level with no credentials to do so. But this man barely qualifies as a celebrity. Wouldn't it make sense to start smaller - like, perhaps, say at a city government level?

Maybe I'm being too harsh. I'll have to admit, I wholeheartedly agree with this quote from Mr. Wurzelbacher:

“In the last 40 years, look at what the Republicans and Democrats have brought us to. There’s more hate and division in this country than you can shake a stick at, and it’s done through the media and through our politicians pitting us Americans against each other.”

Can't argue with that. So, best of luck to you, Joe...errrr, Samuel. If you're successful in your bid, may you aid in unstopping the clogged mechanism that is our corrupt political system with your "every man" wisdom and sincerity.

Or some shit like that.

Stephen Seagal Hired to Patrol U.S.-Mexico Border

2011-10-14T15:37:00.001-05:00

This sounds like a story concocted by The Onion. Apparently, actor (and I'm using that term loosely) Stephen Seagal has been sworn in as a deputy for the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Office to help keep our southern border safe and secure.

Photo: Courtesy Photo/Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department / SA

I don't know if the 59-year-old action star will be successful in his charge of keeping the hordes of illegal aliens from pouring into the U.S., but there is one thing of which you can be quite certain: Movie goers will be kept safe from shelling out hard earned bucks --perhaps brought on by a momentary lapse of reason -- to watch another one of his abysmal flicks.

Seriously though, Seagal does have previous experience in law enforcement, as anyone who has seen who's seen Steven Seagal: Lawman on A&E can attest. I wish him well in his new gig, which reportedly will begin early next year.

You can read more on this story here.

Support Groups for Those Mentally Affected by BlackBerry Outages Popping Up Around the World

2011-10-12T21:10:00.001-05:00

Yes, it has to be hard on those poor addicts to smartphone technology, recently. On Wednesday, the BlackBerry outages spread to North America. Can you imagine the mental anguish of suddenly not being able to access the internet to keep up on your pointless email forwards, or let all your Facebook friends know you just had Chicken Cordon Blue for lunch at the local trendy Cafe? My heart bleeds.

Support groups to help with the painful withdrawal of lost BlackBerry service are reportedly being put together in great numbers all across the globe, today -- at least according to my occasionally reliable, and often highly inebriated, source. It could be he's taken a serious header off the wagon, again; so don't hold me to this one.

More later -- maybe.

Pissing Around with Church Sign Messages

2011-10-11T20:04:00.004-05:00

I was bored, so I decided to head over to Says-It.com to play around with a few one-liners that were floating around my head. The church sign templates are always fun, even if the format is a little overdone.

Oh, well. I killed a few minutes, anyway.

Hordes of Materialistic Drones Soon to Line Up for Apple iPhone4S

2011-10-04T15:19:00.001-05:00

The internet is buzzing about the latest version of the iPhone, which was announced just a short while ago. And without a doubt, those infected with the disease of consumerism will be drooling over all the new features of the new Apple smartphone -- and quite possibly soiling themselves, as well. No doubt, the soon to be outdated models will hit auction sites faster than you can say "superficial yuppie doofus."

The new model is reportedly called iPhone 4S. You can read more about it here

In the future, if Apple comes out with a smartphone model that "makes pancakes," like the late George Carlin, once quipped, I might just have to get one. But of course, that could be a dangerous option. If your fingers are all sticky from maple syrup, you liable to accidentally send a photograph of your private parts to everyone in your contacts list. That would suck.

Dangerous Underwear

2011-10-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

There it is, crumpled up in the corner of the underwear drawer -- hideously taunting me with a perverted grin.
Yes, once again I put off the fucking washing go one day too long. I'm left with the one of two choices: going "commando" or don the dreaded smiley face undies.

How I wound up with these 100% cotton monstrosities is a reasonably short tale. My girlfriend purchased them for me as a joke while visiting Thailand. Yeah, it was a hoot, I yell ya. And it's not that the country of purchase is a necessarily salient point, mind you. I don't think Thailand more known for such ridiculous undergarments than any other country.

I decided to slide them on and take my chances. While my mother never espoused the dangers of wearing torn -- or worse, anthropomorphized -- briefs, I never really had to be taught that, I don't think. Nobody wants to have their trousers cut from the body while lying on an ER table while they're wearing either. Torn undies wouldn't bother as much as silly ones, I'm sure. The latter could literally cost you your life. If the health care professionals charged with treating your mangled limbs can't concentrate on their work for hysterical fits of laughter, you could be royally screwed.

While it's best to just stay indoors and not take any undue risks, most days it's just not not an option. I had places to go, damn it! So I just drove like an 80-year-old woman, and reasoned I didn't really need to go anywhere that necessitated freeway driving, where the real carnage occurs. I played it safe and returned home safe and sound.

They'll be no next time. I don't like living that dangerously.

Charlie Sheen's Obituary

2011-09-20T14:58:00.002-05:00

I didn't catch the big roast of Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central, Monday evening, but watched a few of the highlights at the network's website. Yes, it's all very crude and edgy -- the nature of this comedic format. As always, it's a contest to see who can elicit the highest "cringe factor" by crossing the line of good taste. Same ol', same ol'!

Sheen looks positively grizzly, these days, for obvious reasons. The guy has just turned 46, and he's looking closer to Keith Richards at 55. Let's hope if he continues the lifestyle to which he's become accustomed that he possesses an immune system every bit as remarkable at Keith.

I've gone on record before about Sheen's dearth of talent -- he's mediocre actor and average comedian at best -- but I won't revisit those sentiments.

Here a clip from Seth MacFarlane's spot,where he decides to deliver Charlie's obituary in advance of the appropriate venue, which he reckons is not terribly far off. Ahhh, how wonderfully clever! Pardon my sarcasm.

Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen

290-Pound Man Sues White Castle Over Unaccommodating Booths

2011-09-18T21:23:00.001-05:00

This one definitely belongs in the "Only in America" category. Martin Kessman, a 6-foot, 290-pound man from New York filed a lawsuit, recently, for the "pain and embarrassment" he experienced when he was unable to slide his rather sizable girth into a booth at Nanuet, N.Y, White Castle restaurant.

And here's the best part: The suit was filed under the under the Americans with Disabilities Act, because the restaurant failed to provide adequate seating for someone who suffered from his particular affliction -- if you consider gluttony an affliction.

Yes, I suppose it's possible that this individual might have a medical condition of some sort that results in weight gain. But it's probably highly unlikely. Odds are he grazes just a little too frequently on belly bombers -- and a variety of other fast food cuisine, I'm sure. Rather than suing White Castle, he should now be thanking them for their foresight to limit the size of their booths to discourage "super-sized" folks from frequenting their establishment.

I might be more sympathetic if the lawsuit has been over an ill-fitting airline seat; or an MRI machine, perhaps. Hell, I might even understand if the restaurant in question was a Subway joint.

Save the jumbo booths for restaurants that offer healthier cuisine. If Kessman started eating more turkey subs, he won't have to worry so much about where his ass will fit, and where it won't.

Sucking Up to Narcissists for Free Computer Equipment

2011-09-05T22:01:00.002-05:00

While listening to ol' Rush Limbaugh the other day (as I sometimes do out of perverse curiosity) a caller copped himself a free laptop simply for stating how he stood up for Rush's views against his liberals co-workers. In fact, the guy stated that he'd put up with quite a lot of verbal abuse from his political adversaries. So, when Rush asked if he had a computer, the caller confirmed he did, but it was on its last legs -- "shooting sparks," I believe were the words he used.

Damn! Now I know what to do when my computer starts acting up -- or is severely outdated: suck up to a conservative talk show host.
Perhaps if I invent a harrowing tale of physical assault at the hands of a horde of crazed liberals, I can get a whole new, state of the art system complete with all the necessary accessories.

"It was awful! they had me cornered in the parking garage, after seeing my Rush Limbaugh bumper sticker. They were like a pack of rabid dogs! But I wouldn't back down! I continued to declare your superiority, and "excellence in broadcasting," despite being pummeled like a boxer's heavy bag. Then they stole my brand new Dell out of the back of my Toyota. Next thing I knew, I woke up in the hospital, looking like Evel Knievel after his Madison Square Garden disaster."

Hey, with a story like that, maybe I could score a big screen TV, too!

Today's Big News: 5.8 Magnitude Quake Rattles Virginia, Eastern U.S. (Oh, Yeah, and Some Trivial Shit Went Down in Libya)

2011-08-23T20:19:00.003-05:00

For all the nonstop coverage of the massive 5.8 earthquake that was felt throughout much of the east coast -- including New York City and Washington, DC -- you'd think the entire coast had slid into the Atlantic. About the only damage I saw on CNN was a few crumbled chimneys. Jesus!

In case you haven't seen a map of the quake region, here ya go! Click on it to enlarge image -- or use a magnifying glass. Either option will work.

It's nice, though, that they did manage to squeeze in a few updates on the Libyan rebels storming Qaddafi's compound; although it was hardly as entertaining as hearing dozens of first hand accounts of that "unsettling feeling" that comes over you when you realize the ground is shaking.

While there were no reports of any injuries in the immediate area surrounding the epicenter of the earthquake, several people did laugh themselves to death in California over all the media hoopla.

I know, I know. Those of us living east of the Big Muddy just aren't as acclimated to seismic activity as people along the left coast of America. Still, it was another embarrassing episode to the continuing saga of the disintegration of U.S. journalism. The insipid, vacuous banter between some of the worthless anchors on the majority of our major news networks is enough to send you into a violent fit of projectile vomiting. Did I really need to see that video of Anderson Cooper giggling like a coked up cartoon chipmunk 300 fucking times?

It's my own damn fault, I guess. When will I learn not to bother tuning into this crap in the first place? I guess I'm a masochist.

Man Attempts to Stop Pickup by Dragging His Feet

2011-08-19T15:39:00.002-05:00

What could be worse than your vehicle's brakes failing in heavy traffic? Well, experiencing a "brain failure," which is exactly what appeared to happen to a 24-year-old driver of the rather beaten-up looking pickup truck in the video below. The whole scene went down in Rossville, Michigan just north of Detroit.

Heading toward a busy intersection, the genetic mishap suddenly forgot everything he learned in driver's ed class on what do when you push on the brake pedal and momentum is not reduced in timely fashion.

While dragging your feet may work to some degree of success with a bicycle, it isn't likely to have much effect on a pickup weighing over one ton. Now he knows, and can store that bit of information safely away for future reference.

Another possible explanation, I suppose, is he had something particularly nasty on the soles of his shoes, and decided to kill two birds with one stone.

Christine O'Donnell Walks Out On Piers Morgan

2011-08-18T14:29:00.002-05:00

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone in the Tea Party who could actually make Sarah Palin look brainier. But next to Christine O'Donnell, Palin could almost pass as having a triple digit IQ.

The whole movement isn't going to gain much momentum with the political center as long as it keeps spawning candidates -- or spokespersons -- like these. Scary!
Even scarier still, is the fact that Michele Bachman finished in first place in the recent Iowa straw poll. While more educated than either Palin or O'Donnell, she's comes off crazier than a shithouse rat. What the hell are they putting in the water up there?

Last night on Piers Morgan, O'Donnell decided she didn't want to answer any of the host's question pertaining to her views on self pleasure and gay marriage -- even though she was promoting a book which contained her positions on both topics. I'm no fan or Morgan -- his personality is both dull and obnoxious at the same time -- but her reaction was too peculiar.

Larry David on "Pig Parking"

2011-08-10T21:57:00.003-05:00

I think we all can relate to the urge to unleash on someone for shitty parking, whether intentional (so nobody parks next to them, threatening their precious yuppy vehicle) or because they just can't be bothered to execute a simple task, correctly.

Larry David speaks to our inner curmudgeon, eloquently venting all that pent up rage we all wish we had the courage to do -- at least every once in awhile.

This clip is from Season 8 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Episode 75 (Vow of Silence).

Ep. 75: Clip - Larry on… Pig Parking

A Seinfeld Aficionado Analyzes One Reason Why Not Everyone Was Such a Huge Fan of the Emmy Winning Sitcom

2011-07-19T15:49:00.001-05:00

Since Seinfeld ended it's long and popular run over 10 years ago, I have yet to find another sitcom to equal its brilliance. Of course, I've watched less and less T.V. since that time, as my humble beginnings as an internet dweller began almost simultaneously with the conclusion of that series. While I had never been a particularly stalwart fan of Jerry Seinfeld's stand up performances prior to the show's premiere, he grew on me with every passing season. But it was the supporting cast of characters that made the show and grabbed all the best moments -- a tribute to the humility and lack of ego of Seinfeld himself, perhaps.

Despite my belief that the writing was on a level that far exceeded most T.V. sitcoms -- and a majority of big screen comedy's, for that matter -- the number of people who just didn't warm-up to Seinfeld never perplexed me to a large degree. Awhile back, a friend explained that she couldn't get into the show because she just couldn't work up any empathy for any of the characters. That I understand, as I couldn't either; however, that's never been a requirement for me when it came to bonding with television characters.

Granted, I would not want to spend any time in real life around Jerry, George Costanza, Kramer, or Elaine -- at least by the mid point of the series, and definitely not by the final season. In the beginning they were just merely a little neurotic and slightly emotionally arrested. By the end of the run, they were totally vacuous, self absorbed, and occasionally, downright nasty. At the end of season seven, when George's fiancee Susan dies as a result of the toxins she ingests from licking dozens of cheap wedding invitation envelopes, the lack of emotion shown by the cast as the doctor delivers the news made even me cringe.

As Shallow as these characters began, had they "drained too much out of the pool" as Elaine once commented about Jerry's character? Perhaps, so. The series finale, which I found somewhat disappointing when it first aired, brought 9 seasons worth of the characters that were unfortunate enough to be come in contact with Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine's bizarre, insular universe. In the end, after being convicted of breaking a Good Samaritan law, they sit in the jail cell still carrying on their trivial banter. After digesting the episode a second time, I found it an apt closure to psychoanalyze -- and assassinate -- the cast in such an inventive fashion.

Initially, it was the realism of the dialog and everyday situations that was particularly endearing. But by the final seasons, that realism blended with almost surreal story lines. For instance, when Kramer installed Frank Costanza's old screen door on his apartment entrance to capture a slice of small town America, complete with hanging plants and lawn furniture -- it was brilliantly quirky. As the characters grew more void of redeeming qualities and humanity, the plot lines grew more divorced from the real world. Jerry and his companions seemed to be living entirely in their own universe, governed by their own bizarre laws and standards, while at the same time retaining a generous amount of relatability.

Being able to connect with a show's characters from a human stand point had long been one of the cardinal rules of television dramas and comedies. The character's could be nasty or obnoxious, but had to have some likable qualities. Carla Tortelli of "Cheers", and Dan Fielding of "Night Court" are perfect examples of objectionable characters who pushed the audience to the brink of disgust one moment, then shifted gears with one of those "warm and fuzzy" sitcom moments that exposed their human side. No, Seinfeld had none of those warm and tender moments -- nada! Being the part time curmudeon I am, it's another of the reasons I loved the series so much.

After year's of being brought to the brink of nausea by such saccharine T.V. scenes, I found Seinfeld's lack of pathos refreshing. What you were left with was seriously funny, edgy -- dark at times -- comedy. Certainly, we could all connect with the characters, though; the observational humor was marvelously astute. Terms like "close talker", "low talker", "bad breaker upper", for just a sampling, are references with which we could all identify. These phrases became a part of the Seinfeld aficionado's lexicon.

Obviously taste in humor accounts for another large percentage of those who were not take with Seinfeld -- the gags could be crude, sophomoric, and tasteless, to say the least. That's never bothered me if such humor is well crafted, though. So I'll keep on watching the reruns, over an over, probably until I'm a very old man. And I won't miss those those warm, fuzzy feelings one bit.

Samuel L. Jackson Reads 'Go the Fuck to Sleep'

2011-07-16T21:41:00.001-05:00

Yeah, you know you've uttered these words, so don't deny it. It's how your kids turned into the potty mouths they are.

The Adam Mansbach mock children's book, Go the Fuck to Sleep, obviously strikes a chord in a great number of parents, out there. It debuted on the NYT bestseller list, after all.

Honestly, who is better suited to recite the volume than one Samuel L. Jackson? When it comes to spewing expletives onscreen, nobody does it with more panache and conviction.

Moron in Florida Bans Casey Anthony Jurors from Restaurant

2011-07-09T14:38:00.006-05:00

Now I know one restaurant to avoid if I ever find myself in Clearwater, Florida. John McClure, owner of Skyline Chili, put up a sign in the window of his dining establishment expressing his disapproval of the Casey Anthony verdict, by banning all members of the Pinellas County jury.

What a wonderful way to get a little cheap publicity, as well as show a complete lack of respect for anyone who has ever taken on difficult task of serving on a jury.

May your pressure cooker explode, Mr. McClure, and plaster your ignorant face with the gastrointestinal nightmare you serve your customers.

Funny or Die Spoofs NFL Lockout

2011-07-07T13:07:00.003-05:00

The hilarious folks at Funny or Die have some seriously high production values for their short videos. This time they take on (I could "tackle" for a a cheesy pun, but then I'd need a shower) the four month long NFL lockout.

The spoof is wrapped around the 1989 film, Field of Dreams . If you haven't seen the film, I'm too lazy to explain the plot to you. That's the kind of mood I'm in, today. Go to Netflix, maybe they have it available for streaming.

Lots of high profile sports and Hollywood celebrities feature prominently. Watch it. It's worth three minutes of your time. And even if it isn't...well, it's only three minutes of your time.

Field of Dreams 2: NFL Lockout with Taylor Lautner from Taylor Lautner

Brief Thoughts on the Casey Anthony Verdict from a Cold, Dead Fish

2011-07-05T20:52:00.003-05:00

If you go by the outrage currently enveloping the internet, it would seem my lack of shock over the Casey Anthony trial puts me in the minority. Perhaps it's because I didn't have much of an emotional investment in the outcome -- that's to say I didn't watch the long, drawn out spectacle on television, nor did I follow it particularly closely in the news. In fact, it was only the last couple of days that I caught up with all evidence and conjecture presented over the past weeks. The smoking gun, forensically speaking, just wasn't there. I didn't see how they could possibly convict the woman.

So, my opinion came from what I learned from reading a few articles -- no videos of testimony to tug at my heart strings.

I won't even tell you whether or not I believe she was guilty. It's not relevant. The judicial system has cleared of the murder, manslaughter, and child abuse charges. Next big story, please.

Yeah, you're thinking I'm a cold fish -- dead inside. Maybe. Or perhaps I'm just so sick of all the media manipulation of our emotions that I refuse to let anything that thoroughly monopolizes the news have crack at stirring up my innards.

Kind of like when I used to jokingly proclaim that I refuse to laugh at commercials because that's exactly what they want me to do. Geico ads are the hardest. It helps to jab myself in the thigh repeatedly with a cocktail fork.

I'm sorry that a 2-year-old was brutally murdered, of course. If the mother is guilty, may she be the harsh recipient of a swift dose of Karma. But I'm sick of phony outrage from journalistic hacks like Nancy Grace and everyone else who enjoys that sort of hyper emotional style of reporting.

Another Rage Against Flip Flops

2011-07-03T10:06:00.003-05:00

I've written on this before. But with summer in full swing, I thought it was time for another rant on my least favorite fashion trend of all time: flip flop sandals.

Now that I've established that my feet don't take kindly to a web of fabric being wedged between my toes -- and that I honestly don't like shoes that announces my arrival with annoying sounds -- it's time to take it to the next level with a campaign to wipe out the acceptance of this abomination parading as footwear in all business establishments. Aside from the home and beach,   they really have no place in decent society.

As a culture, we've already come to the conclusion that bare feet are not socially acceptable in the marketplace.   And seeing that flip flops do not conceal the often grotesque human foot (hot women are excluded from this assessment) it would seem to me that a mere platform loosely attached to the bottom of this anatomical structure should not be, either.

It's a double standard.      If you can't walk into an Olive Garden in bare feet, you shouldn't be able to sit down, scarf down a plate of Pasta Pomodoro, with exposed nail fungus, bunions, and subject the entire establishment to possible noxious fumes.

Once again, hot women with perfect feet please ignore my comments.    Now that I think about it, perhaps there's another solution to this dilemma.    How about allowing both bare, and flip flop adorned feet, in restaurants and shopping venues, if they are able to pass a foot inspection at the door.      After a visual assessment is made, preferably by a licensed podiatrist, the acid test for gaining entry would be smell.     Similar to drug sniffing canines, small dogs could be trained to hone in on any pair of feet emitting odors that are even remotely unpleasant.

Sure, you're probably thinking I'm crazy, and that there are plenty of other sandals styles that expose nearly as much of the foot as flip flops.      Am I in favor of banning those, also?   Nahhh.    In reality, what this is really all about is that I hate any mass fashion trend that doesn't suit me, personally, and am prone to spend to let loose long winded insane, tedious, worthless rants for no other reason than to get it off my chest.     I'm also prone to composing the occasional run-on sentence when I get in these moods.

I feel all better now.