Peace in the storm

Bible Verses in Song: “I Am Not the Same”

2017-03-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

I struggle to know who I am. What is my identity? What makes me me? I have a really hard time untangling my identity from the things I’ve done and the things I do. Things of which I’m ashamed. At my core, I know I am a sinner. What I fail to realize so often is that I am also a redeemed and pardoned child of God, hurting and in constant need of grace.

“I Am Not the Same” is a song written by Aaron Keyes, Ben Smith, Pat Barrett, and Matt Redman. Here’s a link to a video of this song as performed by Seventh Day Slumber: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCJ3eHYs3vI. Below are several verses from the Bible that affirm the words in this song. My prayer is that I can internalize these truths and live in the freedom Christ purchased for me, to remember I am not the same as my past or my sin. I am a new creation in Christ.

Verse 1:

Thus says the Lord Yahweh: In the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will cause the cities to be inhabited, and the waste places shall be built…. [A]nd the waste and desolate and ruined cities are fortified and inhabited. Then the nations that are left around you shall know that I, Yahweh, have built the ruined places…. (Ezek 36:33, 35–36)

… God is love, and he who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. In this love has been made perfect among us, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment, because as he is, even so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…. (1 John 4:16–18)

Verse 2:

We were buried therefore with him through baptism to death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we also might walk in newness of life. (Rom 6:4)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ; even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and without defect before him in love…. (Eph 1:3–4)

Pre-Chorus:

[God] predestined us for adoption as children through Jesus Christ to himself…. (Eph 1:5)

[Christ him]self bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed. (1 Pet 2:24)

[Yahweh] raises up the poor out of the dust.
He lifts up the needy from the dunghill,
To make them sit with princes,
and inherit the throne of glory.
(1 Sam 2:8)

You were dead through your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh. He made you alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses…. (Col 2:13)

Which of you men, if you had one hundred sheep, and lost one of them, wouldn’t leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one that was lost, until he found it? When he has found it, he carries it on his shoulders, rejoicing. (Luke 15:4–5)

He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me…. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. (Psalm 18:17, 19; ESV)

Chorus:

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new. (2 Cor 5:17)

Don’t be afraid; for you will not be ashamed.
Don’t be confounded; for you will not be disappointed.
For you will forget the shame of your youth;
and the reproach of your widowhood you shall remember no more.
(Isa 54:4)

Bridge:

After this, Jesus, seeing that all things were now finished, that the Scripture might be fulfilled, said, “I am thirsty.” … When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, “It is finished.” He bowed his head, and gave up his spirit. (John 19:28, 30)

For he has looked down from the height of his sanctuary.
From heaven, Yahweh saw the earth;
to hear the groans of the prisoner;
to free those who are condemned to death.
(Ps 102:19–20)

The God of our fathers raised up Jesus, whom you killed, hanging him on a tree. God exalted him with his right hand to be a Prince and a Savior, to give repentence to Israel, remission of sins. (Acts 5:30–31)

The seventh angel sounded, and great voices in heaven followed, saying, “The kingdom of the world has become the Kingdom of our Lord, and of his Christ. He will reign forever and ever!” (Rev 11:15)

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. May not copy or download more than 500 consecutive verses of the ESV Bible or more than one half of any book of the ESV Bible.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

All other Scriptures:
Scripture quoted from the World English Bible. The World English Bible is in the Public Domain. That means that it is not copyrighted. See copyright information here: https://worldenglishbible.org/.

Poem to a Little Child

2017-01-29T20:58:00.000-06:00

Little child so filled with fear,
I wish your mom had held you near,
Had hugged you when you felt so scared,
And let you know that someone cared.
Who helped your heart to slow its beat
So you could firmly plant your feet?
No help came, and so you hid
Yourself below a heavy lid.

Little child so filled with rage,
I see you there inside your cage,
Your heart like water boiling hot
Kept beneath the lidded pot.
You swallow down this burning hate;
It’s the portion on your plate.
But oh, dear child, don’t you know
Your rage has nowhere else to go?

Little child, I see your hurt,
Your hard heart crushed to powdery dirt.
I hear your sobbing, hear your cries.
I see your tears and downcast eyes.
I see you when you cannot stand
Without someone to hold your hand—
Locked away inside your vault.
Dear child, this is not your fault.

Little child, God made you good.
I wish you only understood
That you were not created bad.
This sight makes me feel so sad:
To see you out there all alone,
Turning your precious heart to stone
So you don’t feel the aching pain
Of longing that will long remain.

To the extent possible under law, J has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to this work. This work is published from: United States.

What Is Countertransference?: An Attempted Explanation

2016-02-29T23:56:00.001-06:00

[This post was edited on 3/1/2016 because I forgot to insert reference information for the article I cited.]

Last February I wrote about the difference between two interesting but often confusing concepts: projection and transference. You can read my take on those concepts here. This February I'm writing about a real humdinger called ‘countertransference.’ Quite a mouthful, right? Based on the reading I've done over the past couple weeks, it seems that even the professionals vary in how they define this complex concept. Of course, that might just be because I lack proper academic perspective. Whatever the case, this is my attempt to explain what I (think I) have learned about countertransference.

One way to understand countertransference is to remember its number. What does that mean? In the post I mentioned above, I approached projection and transference the same way. There is a minimum of 2 people involved in projection, 3 people in transference. In countertransference, you most likely will have at least 4 people involved. The picture below illustrates this. There are 2 active participants (Me and Therapist) and 2 inactive and absent participants (My past person and Therapist's past person).

Just like with plain old transference, countertransference is a subconscious mind trick that takes a person from the past and brings them into the present. In a clinical context, it is the counselor who exhibits countertransference behavior in reaction to the client's transference behavior. How about a hypothetical example? Let's say that during one of my appointments my therapist says something to me that triggers a strong reaction and all of a sudden my mind causes me to see my therapist as my dad. So I am no longer talking to my therapist in the here and now. I am talking to/yelling at my dad in the there and then—that's transference. In response to my transference behavior, my therapist's mind is triggered and all of a sudden instead of seeing me, her client, she sees her child who is in need of a proper scolding. This is countertransference. [Important aside and personal note: My therapist has never scolded me as if I were her child. I work with an incredibly talented and professional counselor who does a great job of regulating her own emotional state despite my frequent emotion dysregulation. End personal note.] You can probably see where this initial exchange could snowball into an ugly mess instead of a productive therapy session. Good thing this is merely hypothetical!

A great way to visualize transference and countertransference is by picturing a pendulum swinging back and forth. Hence the balls and strings in the picture above. One article I read about countertransference spoke of it as “the emotional pendulum effect that starts with the client’s natural transference behaviors” (Jackson, 2002). Imagine yourself taking your emotional weight from the past and letting it fly towards your therapist. If he isn't prepared to encounter transference behavior, he may react with his own emotional weight and swing it towards you.

Just like with transference, countertransference isn't always negative and isn't limited to the clinical setting. We all wear both hats on different occasions. From an everyday human being's perspective I think it is helpful to understand to some degree what countertransference is. Sometimes it is easy to forget that everyone comes with their own emotional baggage. But when we all see each other for who we really are and not so-and-so from the past, then we are able to adapt and learn and heal and grow in our current relationships and life situations.

Quoted source:
Jackson, K. C. (2002). Counselling transference / countertransference issues. ContactPoint Bulletin (Winter 2002). Retrieved from https://contactpoint.ca/2013/01/counselling-transference-countertransference-issues/

How God Introduces Himself

2016-02-08T23:59:00.002-06:00

[This post was edited on 2/10/2016.]

Have you ever thought about what God calls himself? How does he identify himself to others? Does he tell us a job title or define his qualities? Does he tell us his name? These may be basic questions. But I think sometimes it's helpful for people who grew up going to church to take a step back and reacquaint ourselves with God, perhaps even at the most basic level. We may find we don't know him quite as well as we assumed.

I decided to go back to the most basic part of relationship: introductions. It's hard to have an ongoing relationship without this initial step. It's also hard to have a coherent conversation with a phone caller, brand new supervisor, or the run-of-the-mill disembodied voice if they launch into it without ever telling you who they are. Below are some examples of God introducing himself or identifying himself to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Moses.

When God renames Abram Abraham and Jacob Israel and reaffirms his promises to them, he identifies himself as God Almighty.

Gen 17:1—When Abram was ninety-nine years old, Yahweh appeared to Abram, and said to him, “I am God Almighty. Walk before me, and be blameless.”
(See Gen 17:1–8 for context.)
Gen 35:11—God said to [Jacob/Israel], “I am God Almighty. Be fruitful and multiply. A nation and a company of nations will be from you, and kings will come out of your body.”
(See Gen 35:9–12 for context.)

In these instances, God uses a title/quality to identify himself. Introducing himself as God Almighty is, perhaps, his way of verbally emphasizing his authority to rename Abram and Jacob and to offer such great promises.

God also introduces himself in terms of his relationship with others. Most commonly he introduces himself as the God of Abraham or the “God of your father.”

Gen 26:24—Yahweh appeared to [Isaac] the same night, and said, “I am the God of Abraham your father. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you, and will bless you, and multiply your offspring for my servant Abraham’s sake.”
(See Gen 26:17–25 for context.)
Gen 46:2, 3—“Jacob, Jacob.” … He said, “I am God, the God of your father. Don’t be afraid to go down into Egypt, for there I will make of you a great nation.”
(See Gen 46:1–4 for context.)
Ex 3:6—Moreover he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” Moses hid his face; for he was afraid to look at God.
(See Ex 3:1–6 for context. See also references to this passage in Matt 22:32, Mark 12:26, and Acts 7:30–32.)

I find it interesting that in all the abovementioned passages there is mention of fear. God allies himself with Isaac, Jacob, and Moses by emphasizing his relationship to people they know or know of. These men need not fear because they know others who have or had relationships with God, giving them indirect experiential proof that he is someone that can be trusted in some capacity.

Now we get to the name of God. God's name has been transliterated a number of ways including YHVH, YHWH, Yahweh, and, perhaps the most common to us American folk, Jehovah.

Ex 6:2–3—God spoke to Moses, and said to him, “I am Yahweh; and I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty; but by my name Yahweh I was not known to them.”
Isa 42:8—“I am Yahweh. / That is my name. / I will not give my glory to another, / nor my praise to engraved images.”

God reveals another name to Moses when he appears to him in the burning bush: I AM WHO I AM, or, more simply, I AM. Various biblical sources conclude that this name is connected to the meaning of God's name Yahweh, which has to do with the concept of existence.

Ex 3:14—God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM,” and he said, “You shall tell the children of Israel this: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

Note that God's name was officially revealed to Moses, the one who related God's law to the Israelites after their Egyptian captivity. The giver of the “new law” is recorded as echoing God's words to Moses in John 8:58: “Jesus said to them, ‘Most certainly, I tell you, before Abraham came into existence, I AM.’”

I take great comfort in the fact that God's name essentially means “to be.” God exists! No matter what else may be happening around me, to me, or within me, God IS! There is someone bigger than me. Someone permanent, who IS, present tense. Always present tense and always present. It is great to meet the God who is. What an impressive introduction from a God interested in long-lasting, never-ending relationship.

To wrap up, I'm going to end with one of the most memorable introductions in the Bible. It's one I recently mentioned, but it is too powerful not to mention again. In it we see the declaration of a name and defining of relationship. The underlying emphasis I see throughout is the emphasis on the meaning of the name and how it defines its owner. We're going back with Moses to the burning bush. God has just commissioned him to return to Egypt and lead the Israelites out of captivity. Here is the ensuing conversation between Moses and God:

Moses said to God, “Behold, when I come to the children of Israel, and tell them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you;’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ What should I tell them?”

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM,” and he said, “You shall tell the children of Israel this: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” God said moreover to Moses, “You shall tell the children of Israel this, ‘Yahweh, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and this is my memorial to all generations.” (Ex 3:13–15)

Scripture quoted from the World English Bible. The World English Bible is in the Public Domain. That means that it is not copyrighted. See copyright information here: https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/World-English-Bible-WEB/#copy.

Who Is God? And Who Am I?

2016-01-25T23:59:00.000-06:00

It often seems the simplest questions have the most complex answers, if they can be answered at all. With an opening sentence like that you probably guessed I'm going to wax philosophical. And if you did, you are correct. So bail now if you're not in the mood for abstract quandaries.

I'm going to start with something I've been thinking a lot about lately, and that's the second question in my title: Who am I? As part of the “Millennial Generation,” it should come as no surprise that I would be asking myself this question on a daily basis. (Just google “millennial narcissism” and you'll quickly see what I mean. *wink*) Who am I? That is quite the loaded question. Put another way, What makes me me?, the question doesn't get any easier.

Is it a relational thing? Does who my parents are define me? Who my friends are? Is it where I fall in birth order?
Is it something intangible, like my hopes, my dreams, my desires? My likes and my dislikes?
Maybe what defines me are the characteristics you can see. Is it my height or weight or skin color? Is it my stunning blue eyes? (Whoops, narcissism.)
Could it be the words I say or don't say? The things I do or don't do?
Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard and it really is as simple as the old adage “You are what you eat.” I hope that's not it because I'd be half a bag of potato chips right now.

I think the answer to the questions in the list above is “Yes, and….” (Though I am partially joking about the potato chips thing.) The answer to the question “Who am I?” must be complex if I've spent the last 30 years with myself and still find it hard to explain.

It dawned on me a few days ago that there is really only one way I want to define who I am. And that is in relation to God. I thought about infants, how their whole world is their mom and/or dad (and/or [insert applicable caregiver here]). What if my whole world centered on my relationship with God? What if I allowed him to help me figure out who I am? (Spoiler: He already knows.) That train of thought ended with, “Who is God?” Now there's a loaded question if ever there was one. There were several train stops between “Who Am I?” and “Who Is God?,” but I'm going to save those for another time. Consider this a springboard launching us into (an amateur) study of who God is in relation to us, and in turn, what that says about not only who I am but who you are.

No Longer Invisible

2015-11-16T22:23:00.001-06:00

The other day as I browsed my Netflix watch list for a way to occupy some of my Friday evening, I noticed a documentary was about to be removed. It's a documentary I've seen before, and even four-starred (out of five possible stars). And believe you me, I am stingy with those stars. The documentary is called The Invisible War. In it, filmmakers Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering interview dozens of women and men discussing the topic of military sexual trauma.

When I hear the words “military” and “trauma” in the same phrase, I think of PTSD resulting from combat, the horrific experiences felt and witnessed by men and women in war. Toss the word “sexual” in the middle of those two oft-linked words and the issue gets confused. String those three words together and my mind goes to POWs grossly abused and tortured as in the events that took place at Abu Ghraib. Certainly that would qualify as military sexual trauma. But this documentary is about US soldiers who have been traumatized and assaulted, not about US soldiers perpetrating heinous crimes against foreign POWs. The military sexual trauma discussed throughout The Invisible War, indeed the “invisible war” itself, is the infliction of sexual crimes by US military against US military and the ensuing battles that rage within and around the survivors as they try to come to terms with this most personal betrayal and seek justice from a biased and unjust system that would rather close its eyes and ears.

My understanding is that since the release of The Invisible War, several members of Congress have taken a keen interest in the plight of US military women and men who have been hurt and betrayed by their very own. A recent bill, the Military Justice Improvement Act of 2013, attempted to address flaws in the military justice system, but did not gain enough support to become law. Though the bill was not enacted there have been changes in how the military handles sexual assault cases. The documentary gives a bit of insight into those changes.

At the end of The Invisible War, the viewer is directed to the website http://www.notinvisible.org/. Shortly after viewing this documentary for the first time, I added that link to the “Helpful and Informative Sites” section of my blog (see “Not Invisible — US military” under the “PTSD” section heading). The website contains a variety of resources, current events, and general information for vets who experienced sexual assault while serving in the military. To the affected service men and women, the war you have fought and are fighting against military injustice and sexual trauma no longer has to be kept secret; this no longer must be an invisible war.

As I reflect on my own (nonmilitary) experiences with sexual trauma, I realize that one of the hardest parts was carrying the secret of what happened on my own. For more than two years, I lived completely alone with it, with the fear, the guilt, the shame, the sadness. I still struggle with that today. With keeping certain aspects of my experiences secret. Sometimes just the thought of someone else knowing even a little bit of what happened is enough to terrify me. But then, when that surge of fear passes, I know it is good to not keep this a secret. I need to not be invisible. If the war is invisible—if my struggles are invisible—I cannot be helped. And that may be as tragic as the experiences themselves.

Whether your heart seeks out stories of injustice because you are overflowing with desire to show compassion to the wounded in your community or whether you know someone personally who is struggling with issues or life events like those discussed in the film, I recommend you watch The Invisible War and find out how you can get involved. You can stream it on Netflix until 11/20/15. It is also available on iTunes or Amazon. And I'm sure there are a variety of other ways you can gain access to it as well. However, be warned that if you are easily triggered by this topic, you should proceed with caution. This film contains several accounts of sexual assault, some discussion on suicide, and some instances of harsh language.

What Are You Seeking?

2015-10-05T23:31:00.000-05:00

The first words of Christ recorded in the book of John are “What are you seeking?” (John 1:38). He posed this question to two of John the Baptist's disciples who decided to look into who this Jesus guy was. And what was their response? “Rabbi…, where are you staying?” (John 1:39). I wonder if that was really their answer.

Some would say they were dodging the question.

But maybe it was a question that caught them off guard. How many times has someone unfamiliar to you looked you sincerely in the eye and asked, “What is it you are looking for?”

Or maybe the question was expected, but they weren't quite prepared to tell this stranger the answer to such a probing question.

Another idea, perhaps this truly was their answer: finding out where Jesus was staying was all they were willing to commit to at the moment.

Maybe they were just completely stumped and that was the only thing that came to mind. After all, they were following Jesus down the road. It's not a huge leap of logic to reason that as they were walking after this man, they were seeking to learn where he was headed.

A final possibility I'll offer. Maybe I am looking to deeply into this brief exchange between the newly baptized Jesus and the beginning of two of his earliest followers' discipleship. That very well may be. But I think it's a question I'd like to remember and ask myself occasionally. Look myself in the mirror and say, “If Jesus asked you, ‘What are you seeking?,’ what would you say?”

Scripture quotations are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

Storms and the Sure Foundation in Isaiah 28

2015-09-14T23:57:00.000-05:00

What do you do when the floor drops out from under you? When you are shaken to your very core? When you can't understand what is going on in and around you and nothing makes sense? The only sure thing is confusion. And confusion at its most extreme leads to panic. Have you ever felt like this? Maybe you've experienced the sudden death of a close family member or friend. Maybe you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Or maybe the incident that led to this feeling state was somewhat self-inflicted: reckless driving leading to an accident causing severe injury, shared needles leading to HIV, unpaid debt and careless spending leading to bankruptcy or eviction. Perhaps, like me, you experienced something you can't even really explain. You just know your sense of self, the world, and others has been deeply affected.

We live in a world full of sin. I sin and so do all the people around me. I'd guess all the people not around me are in the same boat too. Because this world is full of sin, this world is also full of trials and sorrows. Sometimes we can see the role we play in bringing about trials and sorrows in our own lives. Sometimes we can attribute trials and sorrows in our lives to others we know. And sometimes—sometimes things just happen.

Isaiah 28:2 and 15–18 reads,

Behold, the Lord has a mighty and strong one. Like a storm of hail, a destroying storm, and like a storm of mighty waters overflowing, he will cast them down to the earth with his hand…. “Because you have said, ‘We have made a covenant with death, and with Sheol are we in agreement. When the overflowing scourge passes through, it won’t come to us; for we have made lies our refuge, and we have hidden ourselves under falsehood.’” Therefore thus says the Lord Yahweh, “Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious cornerstone of a sure foundation. He who believes shall not act hastily. I will make justice the measuring line, and righteousness the plumb line. The hail will sweep away the refuge of lies, and the waters will overflow the hiding place. Your covenant with death shall be annulled, and your agreement with Sheol shall not stand. When the overflowing scourge passes through, then you will be trampled down by it….” (WEB)

This passage hooked my interest when I read it the other night before going to sleep. There are many things that could be said about these verses. But what sparked my interest was the many parallels I saw in these verses, all of which evoke anxiety.

The “storm of hail, a destroying storm” in verse 2 parallels the “hail [that] will sweep away” in verse 17.
The “mighty waters overflowing” in verse 2 parallels the “waters [that] will overflow” in verse 17.
Verses 15 and 18 both contain the phrase “covenant with death.”
Verse 15 quotes Israelites as saying, “with Sheol are we in agreement”; verse 18 also mentions an “agreement with Sheol.”
Verses 15 and 18 both discuss an event when an “overflowing scourge passes through.”
Verse 15 contains the phrase “lies our refuge” which parallels the “refuge of lies” spoken of in verse 17.
The phrase “we have hidden ourselves” in verse 15 parallels the “hiding place” in verse 17.

It sounds like God's people are about to be in the midst of some terrifying situations. Can you imagine their confusion and fear when a (metaphorical?) flood sweeps them away and hail damages all they own? What will they think when the “scourge” whips through? They hid themselves from death and the grave by seeking safety and shelter in lies, looking for security where there was none. How alarming would it be, then, to all of a sudden face life-threatening storms and trials? And even if they survived, what would be left? Would they even recognize where they were? What would they do? How could they go on?

Couched between the corresponding depictions of severe storms, death, and false structures of protection is a beautiful image of hope, stability, and strength. God speaks of a foundation he will lay, starting with a tried and tested stone. Isaiah 28:17 reads, “I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious cornerstone of a sure foundation. He who believes shall not act hastily.” Those who have a sure foundation can withstand the storms. They will suffer in the storm, like everyone else, but confusion and panic will not overtake them. They will not have to scramble to seek shelter or solid ground to stand on when the hail falls and the floods rise. For those of us who build our lives on and trust in falsehoods, our protective structures will fall when the storms come. And confusion and panic will set in. But if we let him, God can use the storms in our lives to sweep away and overflow all the lies that keep us from safety and stability. It is my prayer that I allow God to sweep away the falsehoods I have taken comfort in and to use the cleared landscape to dig deep and allow him to lay that sure foundation in me.

When Friends Don't Understand

2015-08-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

Last night I confided in a good friend something that happened to me several years ago. This is an event I have been working on in therapy for the past few weeks. It's incredibly personal and makes me feel more than a little vulnerable to disclose. But I've been friends with this person for a couple of years and she has proven to be a very understanding and sensitive friend. To my surprise, she didn't understand my experience or its effect on me. Nor did she understand my explanation as to why this experience has had such an impact on me. Her response was very kindly put, but in essence what she was saying to me was, “So…?” OUCH!!! That really hurt. I didn't realize until it was too late that what I was craving was her understanding. Someone to intellectually and emotionally connect with my past experience and my past and current hurt. But she didn't. The conversation I had with this good friend didn't help me at all. It only confused me and hurt me more, despite her careful choice of words and best intentions.

Perhaps I was asking too much. Perhaps this was not the right friend to confide in. Or perhaps this was just an example of the limitations of human sympathy and understanding. I am starting to realize that situations like these, where a friend unintentionally disappoints me and hurts me, are necessary for me to experience. If there were a person on this earth who could always help me, always sympathize with me, always understand me, why would I need God? I believe God works through people to fulfill his purposes and to help us, but I also think I struggle to rely “just” on God, thinking of him as a secondary source of support. Correct me even in my hurt, God, that I may learn to rely on and trust in you as my primary source of support and understanding. May the words of David be true for us also that we realize you are the one who fully knows us and is always near to help us:

Yahweh, you have searched me,
and you know me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up.
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down,
and are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
but, behold, Yahweh, you know it altogether.
You hem me in behind and before.
You laid your hand on me.
This knowledge is beyond me.
It’s lofty.
I can’t attain it.
Where could I go from your Spirit?
Or where could I flee from your presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, you are there.
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there!
If I take the wings of the dawn,
and settle in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there your hand will lead me,
and your right hand will hold me.
(Psalm 139:1–10)

What Do I Believe About Sin?

2015-07-13T21:56:00.000-05:00

Right now in therapy we are working on processing a traumatic memory from my high school years using EMDR. One of these days I should get around to writing specifically about what EMDR is, but I'll save that for a later time. For now, if you aren't familiar with it (and why would you be? I know I wasn't!) please feel free to toss the letters EMDR into your search engine of choice. There are a lot of fancy and intellectual-sounding words involved, but basically it's like free association while watching lights go back and forth. (My therapist uses a light bar instead of her finger or a baton.)

Last week during EMDR my brain kept going back to some very dark thoughts, like how guilty I feel and that I think I'm going to hell. My therapist does a good job of countering unhealthy or distorted thoughts to help me keep my thoughts moving, but I was very much stuck. She asked me to do an assignment for next week: “What do I believe about sin?” She also asked that I back up my beliefs with scriptures from the New Testament.

As usual, I have been putting off my assignment because I don't like thinking about things outside of my therapist's office. I am still really bad about handling my emotions on my own and tend to avoid them if at all possible. So, naturally, I avoided them to the point of spending a lot of Saturday behaving rather compulsively… which basically means I gave in to sin. After wasting half of my weekend, I resolved to tackle this assignment.

I started out by turning off all distractions and coaching myself to be honest and just think: Without quoting or paraphrasing scripture, what do I truly believe about sin? My therapist didn't ask me to tell her what the Bible says about sin; she asked what I think about sin. So, whether they align with scripture or not, what are my beliefs about sin? This is what I came up with.

Sin makes me dirty and disgusting.
Sin makes me unlovable and unworthy.
Sin covers me where my high school boyfriend touched me, over my clothes and under—like blue paint that won't wash off.
Because of my sins I'm going to hell.
Everyone can see my sins so I have to hide and stay in the dark. / My sins cut me off from everyone.
God doesn't want me because I sin.
I shouldn't be forgiven for my sins.
My sins are much stronger than I am; they weigh me down, imprison me, and crush me.

As I thought about sin and its influence on me, I started to picture what it would look like if it were some kind of living creature. I had a clear image of this dark greenish brown wormy blob with spikey black hair all over it. It looked like it was decaying as it slither-squirmed across the ground, eerie and disturbing. This is what I keep turning to instead of experiencing my feelings or thoughts that remind me of my past.

Returning to this sinful state and identifying myself so closely with it is not only psychologically unhealthy but also damaging to my spiritual condition and relationship with God. I'm not sure how I have spent nearly three decades, practically my whole life, attending church regularly and studying the Bible and yet clinging to these beliefs that do not align with scripture. There is such a stark contrast between what I know about scripture and what I feel is true about myself and my condition. Perhaps this is why the phrase “renewing your mind” appears in the epistles. Whatever the case, I know that God forgives, and I know He will never leave or forsake me so long as I continue to seek Him. Even if I don't always feel these things are true. I will cling to truth in the scripture instead of my feelings. Lord, be with me and help me to believe what You say is true so that I may serve You with my whole being.

Reflecting on Inside Out

2015-06-22T23:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to see Disney•Pixar's newest feature, Inside Out. I've been anticipating this movie's release for the past several weeks, and I was not disappointed. It's an ambitious undertaking to personify human emotions in a movie palatable and entertaining for children and adults alike. But Disney•Pixar didn't stop there. They incorporated several other mental processes into the storyline as well: Abstract thought, Dreaming, and Long-term memory, just to name a few.

Accurately and thoroughly depicting all of these processes and concepts isn't the main purpose of the film. So I'm sure there are neuropsychologists and -scientists out there who can poke holes in some of the finer points of the plot. But, in my opinion, the filmmakers did an incredible job of creating visual representations of these processes in a complex story about a complex subject: the human mind. And WOW, is it visually stunning! Ever wonder what a train of thought looks like? Ever picture different aspects of your personality? Ever imagine how big a storage facility would need to be to contain all of your memories? The human mind is an impressive structure and the Disney•Pixar team illustrates this in clever and interesting ways.

In addition to the intriguing story and impressive visuals, the cast of actors who voiced the emotion characters was well selected. Who embodies Joy better than Amy Poehler, who formerly played perennial optimist Leslie Knope in the TV show Parks and Recreation? Who better to voice Disgust than Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor, the workplace snob) and who better to voice Sadness than Phyllis Smith (Phyllis Lapin/Vance, the workplace sulk) from The Office (U.S. version)? While not as familiar with the male members of the emotion crew, I think they were equally well cast. Fear is played by Bill Hader who I know mainly from voicing the bumbling criminal Mickey in the TV show Bob's Burgers. Anger is voiced by Lewis Black, an actor I am unfamiliar with but who handles Anger quite well.

This movie made me think about how I experience my own emotions and how my emotions sometimes end up controlling my behavior. Like the human characters in the film, I sometimes have emotions behind the control panel, pushing my buttons and causing me to behave in ways that I regret later on. It also made me think about how I am not the only one who has these certain emotions. Everyone around me experiences the same emotions that I do, and their emotions probably influence their behavior in negative ways sometimes as well. That realization alone can help me have greater empathy for those who may act unpleasantly towards me or others.

There were a couple plot points that hit me pretty hard. Like the main (human) character in the film, my family also moved away from my hometown when I was in my preteen years. It was very hard. I didn't even pretend to like it. Once school started I was around complete strangers. I teared up during my speech class once when I gave a brief speech involving my hometown. I was very angry for a long time. And while Anger is perfectly valid and useful, it doesn't always make the best decisions.

Speaking of poor decisions, the worst decision the main (human) character made occurred when her emotions no longer had any influence on her. She became numb and this enabled her to take extreme action. I can relate to this in that I struggle with addiction particularly when I am numb. If I don't feel, then I don't care. And if I don't care, then I do things I wouldn't normally do and that I regret once my emotions are back online.

In my first post about Inside Out I noted the interplay between emotion and behavior. There is a third strand in this story; this strand is called memory. Sound familiar? Probably. These three strands interweave throughout the film and are tied together at the end when we realize the purpose of the most unpopular emotion character: Sadness. As it turns out, Sadness is every bit as important and valuable as the other emotions in the film. And therein lies the lesson. All of our emotions are helpful and worth experiencing, even if they aren't always fun or enjoyable. Emotions color our experiential memories and add greater meaning to our lives.

Can you think of a better reason to be Joyful?! #InsideOut is in theatres now! Get tix: http://t.co/PB12jeplmS pic.twitter.com/7YI6KaciX5
— #InsideOut (@PixarInsideOut) June 19, 2015

Inside Out Coming Soon!

2015-05-31T21:28:00.001-05:00

In less than 3 weeks Disney•Pixar's newest feature film will make its debut in theaters across the country. The June issue of The Atlantic contains an article about Inside Out's director, Pete Docter, and the research he conducted while piecing together the storyline. Daniel Smith, the writer of the article, does a good job explaining the director's academic research as well as his personal reflections and experiences that eventually resulted in his newest movie.

I don't often read magazine articles, but I recommend this one to any fans of Disney•Pixar's previous movies or anyone even slightly interested in theories of emotion. There are big-name psychologists mentioned, whom Docter consulted to ensure his storyline was grounded in contemporary emotion theory. (One of the psychologists, Paul Ekman, was cited in my last post which was also about Inside Out.) Click on the link in the citation below to read Daniel Smith's article in The Atlantic. And check out the second official trailer released in the U.S. to see another preview of Inside Out.

Smith, D. (2015, June). Pixar's Mood Master. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/06/pixars-mood-master/392093/.

Emotions from the Inside Out

2015-04-20T21:49:00.000-05:00

In about two months, Disney•Pixar's newest feature film, Inside Out, will be released in theaters. Always a sucker for Disney•Pixar and the old-school animated Disney films, I'm excited to see their new movie. Excited AND interested!

Inside Out, cleverly advertised as an “emotion picture,” is about the interplay of emotions inside the movie's main (human) characters and how this interplay manifests itself in their behavior. Each main (human) character houses a set of five personified emotions: Anger, Disgust, Fear, Joy, and Sadness.

Curious as to why Inside Out depicts those particular emotions, I did some web-surfing to see what great minds have postulated as humankind's basic emotions. I quickly found that there is very little consensus on an exact set of basic emotions. I based most of my more thorough web-researching on the information presented by changingminds.org located on this web page: http://www.changingminds.org/explanations//emotions/basic%20emotions.htm. Below is a thumbnail of a table containing content I reorganized based on said webpage. It shows 14 different conceptions of basic human emotions. (Click the thumbnail to see an enlarged and much more readable image. See footnotes to the table at the bottom of this post.)

The table shows that the emotions most agreed upon are anger, disgust, fear, joy, and sadness … AND surprise! (See second to last column for exact totals.) However, if you combine synonymous terms (hence the color coding) and total the numbers, surprise falls off a bit. (See the last column.) Maybe that's how Disney•Pixar chose their five emotions for Inside Out. Or maybe they went with Oatley and Johnson-Laird's set because it's the most recent of the 14 theories given on changingminds.org and various other sources. Oatley and Johnson-Laird's list contains the emotions personified in Inside Out but with somewhat different labels: anger, disgust, anxiety (fear?), happiness (joy?), and sadness.

As someone who continues to struggle with my own emotions, I fully understand how researchers over the past hundred years have varied so much in their conclusions. It may seem strange to some, but just a year or so ago I was virtually unable to answer my therapist's question, “How did that make you feel?” I think my emotional vocabulary has expanded, but I still sometimes struggle to label how I feel.

Emotions are important. I hope Inside Out helps adults and children alike recognize their importance and how they influence our interactions with and behavior towards one another. Check out the official trailer from Disney•Pixar's youtube channel below.

NOTE: For full citations, please visit changingminds.org: http://www.changingminds.org/explanations//emotions/basic%20emotions.htm.

Footnotes to the table above:
Jam = William James (1890)? changingminds.org states that James's list of basic emotions comes from his 1884 work, “What Is an Emotion?” I could not verify this. The same list does appear in his 1890 work, The Principles of Psychology, in which he characterizes them as “coarser emotions.”
McD = William McDougall (1926).
Wat = John B. Watson (1930).
Arn = Magda B. Arnold (1960)? I was unable to locate a corresponding source for Arnold's theory of basic emotions.
Mow = Orval Hobart Mowrer (1960).
Izar = Carroll Izard (1977)? changingminds.org states that Izard's list of basic emotions includes distress. Other sources I saw were consistent in his inclusion of sadness rather than distress. Not having read Izard's work directly, I went with the majority in the image above.
Plu = Robert Plutchik (1980).
EFE = Paul Ekman, Wallace V. Friesen, and Phoebe Ellsworth (1982).
Pank = Jaak Panksepp (1982). Panksepp has since expanded his list of basic emotional systems. In the image above I only included the four he gave in his 1982 work.
Tom = Silvan Tomkins (1984).
W,G = Bernard Weiner and Sandra Graham (1984)? I was unable to locate a corresponding source for Weiner and Graham's theory of basic emotions.
Gray = Jeffrey Gray (1985)? I was unable to locate a corresponding source for Gray's theory of basic emotions.
Frij = Nico Frijda (1986).
O,JL = Keith Oatley and Phil Johnson-Laird (1987).

Bible Verses in Song: “You Are I AM”

2015-03-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

If you've read this blog in the past, you may know that sometimes I like finding verses in the Bible that match or contain the same themes as certain contemporary songs. Below are 25 passages that I think correspond to the lyrics of MercyMe's “You Are I AM.” This song does a great job reminding us of God's might and power, particularly in the chorus. The song also reminds us that God is faithful and devoted to his people, though we may sometimes doubt him. If you haven't heard the song, give it a listen. I have shared the official video from YouTube below.

Have no fear of sudden disaster…
for the Lord will be at your side
and will keep your foot from being snared.
(Prov 3:25–26; NIV®)

But God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us…. For if, while we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we will be saved by his life. (Rom 5:8, 10)

He safeguards the steps of his faithful ones,
but wicked people are silenced in darkness
because humans cannot succeed by their own strength.
(1 Sam 2:9; GW)

For you are my lamp, Yahweh.
Yahweh will light up my darkness.
….
As for God, his way is perfect.
Yahweh's word is tested.
He is a shield to all those who take refuge in him.
For who is God, besides Yahweh?
Who is a rock, besides our God?
(2 Sam 22:29, 31–32)

Then they cried to Yahweh in their trouble,
and he saved them out of their distresses.
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
and broke away their chains.
(Psalm 107:13–14)

Where could I go from your Spirit?
Or where could I flee from your presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, you are there.
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, you are there!
If I take the wings of the dawn,
and settle in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there your hand will lead me,
and your right hand will hold me.
(Psalm 139:7–10)

Jesus cried out with a loud voice, and gave up the spirit. The veil of the temple was torn in two from the top to the bottom. (Mark 15:37–38)

But if the Spirit of him who raised up Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised up Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. (Rom 8:11)

Hallelujah!
You servants of the Lord, praise him.
Praise the name of the Lord.
(Psalm 113:1; GW)

Don't you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit whom you received from God, lives in you. You don't belong to yourselves. (1 Cor 6:19; GW)

Hallelujah!
Praise the name of the Lord.
Praise him, you servants of the Lord
(Psalm 135:1; GW)

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you…. (Rom 8:9; NIV®)

Hallelujah!
Praise the Lord, my soul!
(Psalm 146:1; GW)

I will pray to the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, that he may be with you forever,—the Spirit of truth, whom the world can't receive; for it doesn't see him, neither knows him. You know him, for he lives with you, and will be in you. (John 14:16–17)

Hallelujah!
Praise God in his holy place.
Praise him in his mighty heavens.
(Psalm 150:1; GW)

Don't you know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you? (1 Cor 3:16; GW)

“The people are strong and tall—descendants of the famous Anakite giants. You've heard the saying ‘Who can stand up to the Anakites?’ But recognize today that the Lord your God is the one who will cross over ahead of you like a devouring fire to destroy them. He will subdue them so that you will quickly conquer them and drive them out, just as the Lord has promised.” (Deut 9:2–3; NLT)

Make sharp the arrows; hold firm the shields: Yahweh has stirred up the spirit of the kings of the Medes; because his purpose is against Babylon, to destroy it: for it is the vengeance of Yahweh, the vengeance of his temple…. Set up a standard in the land, blow the trumpet among the nations, prepare the nations against her, call together against her the kingdoms of Ararat, Minni, and Ashkenaz: appoint a marshal against her; cause the horses to come up as the rough canker worm. Prepare against her the nations, the kings of the Medes, its governors, and all its deputies, and all the land of their dominion. (Jer 51:11, 27–28)

When he came near to the den to Daniel, he cried with a lamentable voice; the king spoke and said to Daniel, Daniel, servant of the living God, is your God, whom you serve continually, able to deliver you from the lions? Then Daniel said to the king, O king, live forever. My God has sent his angel, and has shut the lions' mouths, and they have not hurt me…. (Dan 6:20–22)

Then he said to me, Prophesy to the wind, prophesy, son of man, and tell the wind, Thus says the Lord Yahweh: Come from the four winds, breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live. So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up on their feet, an exceedingly great army. (Ezek 37:9–10)

Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonished, and rose up in haste: he spoke and said to his counselors, Didn't we cast three men bound into the middle of the fire? They answered the king, True, O king. He answered, Look, I see four men loose, walking in the middle of the fire, and they are unharmed; and the aspect of the fourth is like a son of the gods. (Dan 3:24–25)

In my Father's house are many homes. If it weren't so, I would have told you. I am going to prepare a place for you. If I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again, and will receive you to myself; that where I am, you may be there also…. I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you. (John 14:2–3, 18)

The disciples saw Jesus do many other miraculous signs in addition to the ones recorded in this book. But these are written so that you may continue to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing in him you will have life by the power of his name. (John 20:30–31; NLT)

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM,” and he said, “You shall tell the children of Israel this: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” (Ex 3:14)

Jesus said to them, “Most certainly, I tell you, before Abraham came into existence, I AM.” (John 8:58)

Scriptures marked “NIV®”:
Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

Scriptures marked “GW”:
Scripture is taken from GOD'S WORD®. Copyright 1995 God's Word to the Nations. Used by permission of Baker Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

Scriptures marked “NLT”:
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgments above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.biblica.com/en-us/about-us/terms-of-use/ for Terms of Use and related policies for the NIV®. See http://www.bakerpublishinggroup.com/rights-permissions/permission for permission policies for GOD'S WORD®. See https://www.tyndale.com/00_Home/permissions.php for Permissions information for the NLT.

Transference vs. Projection: What's the Difference?

2015-02-10T23:56:00.001-06:00

A couple months ago, I got angry at my therapist. She hadn't done anything to hurt me or offend me or provoke me. I was just mad. So I sent her an email, explaining all the “reasons” why I was angry at her. I clustered those reasons into five paragraphs, all of which started with “I'm angry because….” My therapist sent a kind email in response, thanking me for sending that email to her and assuring me that what I said made sense. When I showed up for my appointment the following week, the first thing she wanted to talk about was that email. She reiterated that the feelings I was having made sense and there was even a word for what I was experiencing. “It's called transference,” she said. Ooooooohhhhhhhh…. That thing. I've heard of that.

Transference. I think a lot of people have heard that term before. For some reason I always confuse that word with another fun psych buzzword: projection. And judging from a brief initial web surfing excursion, I think a lot of people confuse the two. To help me get a firmer grasp on what these terms mean, I read through several seemingly trustworthy web pages about psychology written by psychologists, psychiatrists, and licensed counselors. This is my understanding of transference and projection based on my reading.

Transference takes place when someone transfers another person's qualities, feelings, behaviors, etc., to a different person and then reacts to the different person as if he/she were the other person. (Well said. Or not so much.) Let's try it this way. It takes at least three people to have a transference scenario. So we have three people: I/Me, Present Person, and Past Person. I used to be around Past Person a lot and she always got impatient with Me when I asked questions, so after a while I feared asking her questions because I didn't like being yelled at. Now I hang around Present Person a lot and because I anticipate her becoming impatient just like Past Person, I am afraid to ask Present Person questions for fear she will also yell at me. In a sense, transference is like looking at a person but seeing someone else. The image below depicts a specific instance of transference I experience with my therapist due to previous interactions with my dad.

So even though my therapist is not my dad, and even in my most confused of states I know she's not my dad (the fact that she's female kind of gives that away), I behave as if she is. Because I anticipate her laughing at me if I exhibit emotion around her, I avoid experiencing feelings when I am in her office. This is not the most helpful of things for a person in therapy to do, but at least now I understand that I do it for a reason.

Projection is less complex, in my humble opinion. Projection happens when a person projects their own qualities, feelings, behaviors, etc., onto another person. Whereas transference takes three people, projection only requires two: This time we have I and Other Person. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and have been a grouchy wretch all day. After an encounter with Other Person, I walk away irritated, complaining to myself about Other Person's grouchiness. The classic example, right? You are acutely aware of the horrible qualities, behaviors, attitudes, etc., of that super-annoying person next to you, only to be informed that it is you who have the horribleness. When you look at that person, you don't see that person, you see you! Horror of all horrors! The image below depicts a possible instance of projection in therapy. [NOTE: I'm not really bitter. I just couldn't think of any of my bad qualities because I'm by myself and I have no one to project them onto right now. Clever, huh?]

To manage something effectively, I think you need a basic understanding of what it is you're trying to manage. With my basic understanding of transference and projection, I'm going to try to take note of when I am experiencing these things and learn how to see people for who they are.

Dad Is Not God

2015-01-20T23:44:00.000-06:00

Bearing the image of Him who made you
But your nature has betrayed you,
You're a sinner all the way through—
Dad is not God.

Fallen from grace in your daughter's sight,
Confusing what's wrong with what's right,
Walking in darkness and shunning light—
Dad is not God.

Afraid to look into my father's eyes
For fear of seeing only lies,
He becomes the one I most despise—
Dad is not God.

Bury the pain and hurt. My silenced heart,
Cracked, crumbling, and falling apart,
Needs a mighty hope to restart—
Dad is not God.

The great celestial, skillful Potter
Is my wholly perfect Father,
And I His sinful, broken daughter—
Dad is not God.

To the extent possible under law, J has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to this work. This work is published from: United States.

Reading About Jesus (as Recorded by John)

2014-12-31T23:59:00.000-06:00

During 2014 I decided to reacquaint myself with Jesus by reading the Gospel accounts. Interspersed were topical readings of the Gospels: parables told by Jesus, prophecies fulfilled by Jesus, and miracles performed by Jesus. I ended the year reading John's Gospel account. John's account differs greatly from the accounts of Matthew, Mark, and Luke both in style and in content. It seems like John delves deeper into the nature of Christ, focusing more on who he was/is rather than what he did while here on earth. John records various “I am” statements made by Jesus which help us understand even more his importance in our lives.

In John 6, Jesus tells his disciples, “I am the bread of life,” indicating Jesus is our spiritual sustenance.
In John 8, Jesus says, “I am the light of the world,” casting out darkness so that we are able to see and discern where we should go.
In John 10, Jesus states, “I am the door of the sheep,” who lets his fold into good pasture. In this passage Jesus also says, “I am the Good Shepherd,” a leader who excels in his role in taking care of those who follow him.
In John 11, Jesus boldly claims, “I am the resurrection and the life,” able to overcome the power of death by transforming the dead into the living.
In John 14, Jesus tells his disciples, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” Jesus is the path that leads to God. He is all truth and no deception. And he, once again, emphasizes that he embodies life.
In John 15, Jesus says, “I am the vine,” explaining how he is the living structure that supports us, the branches.

Finally, returning to John 8, Jesus echoes the words his Father spoke to Moses so long ago. When commanding Moses to return to Egypt and lead his people out of captivity, God identified himself as “I AM” (Ex 3:14). When unbelievers once again scoffed at Jesus, mocking him for his wild claim that Abraham looked forward to the time when Jesus would appear, Jesus responds, “Before Abraham was, I am.”

I don't know that I will ever reach an understanding of the complexities of Christ's nature. How can Jesus be the son of God and also be God? Maybe I will get to ask him that myself one day. For now, I am glad to have access to the accounts laid down by early followers of Jesus, the first generation of Christians. As 2015 begins in just a few seconds, I pray that we all will take the time to remember Christ in this new year and draw ever closer to him in faith.

Scripture in the image and text is quoted from the King James Version of the Bible. The KJV is public domain in the United States. See version information here: https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/King-James-Version-KJV-Bible/#vinfo.

Reading About Jesus (as Recorded by Luke)

2014-12-10T23:55:00.000-06:00

If you're like me, a girl (or woman, if you prefer), you might sometimes find it hard to relate to some of the accounts in the Bible because a lot of them involve men. This tends to be the case throughout both the Old Testament and the New: Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Isaiah, Daniel, Peter, John, James, Paul, Silas, Timothy, etc. Lots and lots of male figures.

One thing I appreciate about the Gospel account of Luke is his diligence in recording Jesus's interactions with and observations of women and girls he encountered during his life here on earth. These accounts sometimes hit closer to home on an emotional level because, having been a girl all the live-long day, I can more easily identify with women and girls. Luke records for us the compassion Jesus felt and showed for a bereaved woman. He records Jesus's affirmation that Mary, in taking time off from household chores to listen to and be taught by him, was doing a good thing. He records the mercy Jesus extended to a notoriously sinful woman who wept at his feet.

And these are messages I need to hear. I need to know that Jesus sees the grieving woman and has great compassion for her. I need to know that Jesus encourages busy women to take time out from the seemingly endless day-to-day tasks and learn from him. And, absolutely, I need to know that Jesus extends great mercy to the sinful woman who falls in tears at his feet.

Scripture in the image is quoted from the World English Bible. The World English Bible is in the Public Domain. That means that it is not copyrighted. See copyright information here: https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/World-English-Bible-WEB/#copy.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Part 3)

2014-11-09T15:40:00.000-06:00

In the last few verses of The Parable of the Prodigal Son, the older son and the father speak about the younger (and “prodigal”) son who has just returned home.

Now his elder son was in the field. As he came near to the house, he heard music and dancing. He called one of the servants to him, and asked what was going on. He said to him, “Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and healthy.” But he was angry, and would not go in. Therefore his father came out, and begged him. But he answered his father, “Behold, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed a commandment of yours, but you never gave me a goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this, your son, came, who has devoured your living with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.”

He said to him, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But it was appropriate to celebrate and be glad, for this, your brother, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.” (Luke 15:25–32)

As a child do you remember taking the position that you were being treated unfairly? That a bratty younger sibling or maybe a bratty classmate was receiving the treatment you felt you deserved? Or maybe as an adult you've experienced something similar, a lazy coworker received accolades while you went unnoticed for all your steady hard work. How did these situations make you feel? A world-famous artist captured this perfectly, I think, in the masterpiece below. [NOTE: By “A world-famous artist,” “captured this perfectly,” and “masterpiece” I actually just mean “I,” “tried to draw this,” and “doodle,” respectively.]

You felt angry, right? I know I did. It also made me feel small and unappreciated and like I wasn't special. Unfortunately for parents, it's hard to respond to a child who feels slighted and approaches the subject angrily, especially when the child blames the parent; the natural reaction to being blamed for doing something you don't believe is wrong is to become defensive. Maybe you've heard some of these responses before:

“Well, I've got news for you: Life isn't fair.”
“I don't want to hear another word. Go to your room!”
“Why you ungrateful little….”

Do these responses really assuage your anger? Do they help you understand the situation a little better, help you come out of yourself enough to see the situation for what it is and not only how it makes you feel? The first response suggests that, Guess what, kid, you'll be feeling this way all your life. So deal with it. Perhaps life isn't fair, but does that proverb comfort the child and help him understand that he is still wanted and accepted? Does it teach him that others are also wanted and accepted? Probably not. The second response outright dismisses the child's feelings, leaving him to work them out on his own. The takeaway from this would probably be It doesn't matter what I feel because no one listens to me. Also not very helpful. The third response is a case of fighting fire with fire. The child approaches the situation angrily and the parent snaps back angrily. Accusations fly: The parent is being unfair and the child is being ungrateful. This response only makes the child feel worse about the whole situation.

The Father in Jesus's parable handles the interaction with his older son thoughtfully. He listens to his son as he expresses how the situation makes him feel. Instead of being caught up in his own emotional reaction, the Father does not condemn the older son's feelings, but he affirms his relationship with his older son. The Father acknowledges that this son will always be with him and all that he has belongs to him also. To me this is an image of comfort as he quiets the anger of his older child. There is a lesson for the older son to learn in this experience too. It was good for the Father to celebrate and be glad that his younger son had returned home. The Father's reaction was not about which son he liked more; it only had to do with the safe return of his younger son. Without dismissing his older son's feelings, the Father tried to help the older son understand the situation for what it was and not only how it made him feel. What an understanding, patient, and sensitive heavenly Father we have! For in the intensity of our feelings, whether they are just or not, he holds us close to him and will not dismiss us.

The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Part 2)

2014-09-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

When last we saw the Prodigal Son, he was watching covetously as the pigs in his charge ate. We're in the middle portion of the parable now, with the Prodigal Son experiencing a moment of self-realization. The parable continues,

But when he came to himself he said, “How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough to spare, and I’m dying with hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and will tell him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no more worthy to be called your son. Make me as one of your hired servants.’”

He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.”

But the father said to his servants, “Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat, and celebrate; for this, my son, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.” They began to celebrate. (Luke 15:17–24)

Have you ever had a moment of self-realization like this? All of a sudden some barrier in your mind is removed or some veil lifted and you truly see your condition or your circumstances. You realize how silly it is for you to continue on in your current state and that you want out. Whether the question in your mind is “Why am I doing this?”, “What am I doing?”, or any other variation on this theme, I think we all can relate. The realization is this: “I have sinned.”

It's hard to admit when we have done something wrong. Depending on how much time we have spent entrenched in sin far away from our heavenly Father, it could be one long and difficult journey. But I think Jesus tells this story to illustrate that we will never take that journey in vain.

Even though we may deliberately set out in sin and distance ourselves from our Father, we can still come home. We can return home starved and gaunt because our Father will recognize us and will prepare a feast to fill our empty bellies. We can return home dirty and clothed in filthy rags because our Father has clean and fine clothing to cover us. We can return home in humility, ashamed of the sins we have committed and with a sincere desire to work for our Father. But though we confess our sin and our unworthiness to him, acknowledging that the way we have lived is not suitable for a child of God and that we are only fit to work for him as hired servants, he will throw his arms around us and rejoice that we have come home. Our relationship with God is not based on the work we do for him. He is always willing to accept us back into his family as his very own children.

A rendering of the return of the Prodigal Son [cropped]:
Caption: James Tissot (French, 1836-1902). The Return of the Prodigal Son (Le retour de l'enfant prodigue), 1886–1894. Opaque watercolor over graphite on gray wove paper, Image: 8 11/16 x 5 1/2 in. (22.1 x 14 cm). Brooklyn Museum, Purchased by public subscription, 00.159.185

The image of the Prodigal Son was downloaded from the Brooklyn Museum website. As of 9/16/2014, it is believed that this work is in the Public Domain. You may review the image and related text here: https://www.brooklynmuseum.org/opencollection/objects/4538/The_Return_of_the_Prodigal_Son_Le_retour_de_lenfant_prodigue

The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Part 1)

2014-08-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

Luke 15:11–16 reads,

And [Jesus] said, “A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of the property that is coming to me.’ So he divided his assets between them. And after not many days, the younger son gathered everything and went on a journey to a distant country, and there he squandered his wealth by living wastefully. And after he had spent everything, there was a severe famine throughout that country, and he began to be in need. And he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to tend pigs. And he was longing to fill his stomach with the carob pods that the pigs were eating, and no one was giving anything to him.”

Imagine yourself going about your life, the life God has given you. You decide to leave your Father's house; you have a life plan of your own. You are excited. You have so much life to live, so much energy, so many resources to spend on anything you choose. You take a trip. You visit places you've never been, do things you've never done, and see things you've never seen. Maybe you get a little too excited or too absorbed in what you are doing. Before you know it, you're spent. You have nothing left. You have used up all your energy and all your resources. And, as luck would have it, now there is a widespread famine. Your environment is just as wasted and wanting as you are. So now what? Well, you do the only thing you can do. You join yourself to a citizen of this wasteland. This man sends you to do one of the dirtiest, smelliest jobs around: you become a swineherd.

Living in sin is like being far away from home, destitute in a famine. You have nothing to sustain yourself. And the places and people around you don't provide you with much either, except an offer to tend someone's pigs. And that's what you have to do in order to survive, right? Imagine your daily life, the things you see and smell and hear. Instead of seeing the faces of acquaintances, family, and friends, you see a herd of hungry pigs rummaging about for food. Instead of hearing the voices and laughter of others, you hear a herd of hungry pigs rummaging about for food. Instead of smelling savory food prepared for people, you smell a herd of hungry pigs rummaging about for food. And why can't you stop thinking about food?! Oh look, it's feeding time. Food is brought out for the pigs but none for you. You yearn for what the pigs eat as you watch them devour their food, as you hear their grunting and squealing and snorting and smacking. The food and dirt is caked onto their snouts as the flies swarm around. It makes you hungry. And you long to get down on all fours among the pigs and fill the emptiness inside you.

That is our state when we live in sin. Thank God that is not the end of the story….

The video below contains a slideshow of at least mildly charming pig pictures. However, the point of the video is not to show how cute pigs can be but to demonstrate how disturbing they sound. Listen attentively. Try to imagine yourself in the prodigal son's place: envious of and desiring to eat with pigs.

See http://lexhamenglishbible.com/license/ for license information.

Bible Verses in Song: “My Savior My God”

2014-07-15T21:19:00.001-05:00

About 3 years ago I changed the radio station in my car to K-LOVE for the first time. One of the first songs I heard was Aaron Shust's “My Savior My God.” The words were simple yet profound. And the melody seemed to match the feeling behind the words perfectly. That song affects me every time I hear it. You can listen to a performance of the song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvBG-FVbGFs.

Aaron Shust's song “My Savior My God” borrows most of its lyrics from an old hymn. This hymn, entitled “My Savior” in the 1885 song book Songs of Joy and Gladness, was composed by Wm. J. Kirkpatrick. However, the words were written by a woman named Dora Greenwell and published (sans music) in 1873 in a slim volume of poetry, Songs of Salvation. Her poem was entitled “Redemption.”

You can view Kirkpatrick's song “My Saviour” from Songs of Joy and Gladness by clicking here. You'll notice that Aaron Shust's song contains lyrics from stanzas 1, 2, 4, and 6 and omits stanzas 3 and 5.
You can view Greenwell's poem “Redemption” from Songs of Salvation by clicking here. Shust and Kirkpatrick both omit several stanzas from Greenwell's original poem. Only stanzas 1, 2, 4, and 10 appear in both songs.

Isn't it interesting that the thoughts of Greenwell were first set to music almost 150 years ago and then set to music again not even 10 years ago? I must not be the only one who finds great meaning in the words. And you know what? I think that may be because they express truths that are at once universal and deeply personal to everyone who believes in Jesus as their Savior. These truths come from the Bible.

Below are the lyrics from Greenwell's (public domain) poem that are used in Kirkpatrick's and Shust's songs. Accompanying them are corresponding verses from various books of the New Testament. If you come across applicable verses I did not mention, please feel free to share them in a comment. [NOTE: While preparing to write this blog, I stumbled across a post on another blog that is very similar to what I planned to write here. I'll share it in case anyone out there wants to see what other verses were paired up with the lyrics from this song/poem: https://scriptureand.blogspot.com/2012/06/i-am-not-skilled-to-understand.html.]

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed; what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand¹
Stands One Who is my Saviour.

¹Acts 7:56—And he said, “Behold, I see the heavens opened, and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

I take God at His word and deed;
“Christ died to save me,”² this I read,
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my Saviour.

²Rom 5:8–9—[B]ut God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.

That He should leave His place on high,³
And come for sinful man to die,⁴
You count it strange?—so do not I,
Since I have known my Saviour.

³John 6:38—For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me.

⁴Rom 5:6—For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

Yea, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring,⁵
That He who lives to be my King,⁶
Once died to be my Saviour!⁷

⁵John 4:13–14—Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

⁶Rev 1:5–6—…Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn of the dead, and the ruler of kings on earth. To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood and made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father, to him be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

⁷1 Thess 5:9–10—For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

Reading About Jesus (as Recorded by Mark)

2014-06-17T20:56:00.001-05:00

Right now I am reading the gospel account of Mark, one chapter a day. I have only read the first half of the book so far, but I've noticed a couple trends.

I noticed that Jesus faced opposition often. It wasn't just something that all of a sudden happened right before His crucifixion. I picture Jesus's opponents sort of like schoolyard bullies bent on harassing, making fun of, and criticizing Jesus who is just going about His work. It seems that they were always hanging around, publicly questioning and doubting Him, His authority, or His motives.

The other thing I noticed, because honestly it's hard not to, is how much Jesus did in such a short time here on earth. Mark mostly limits his account to Jesus's ministry years, death, and resurrection. And yet, even though Mark's scope is limited compared to that of Matthew's and Luke's, he doesn't pause long on any one event. The book of Mark, divided into only 16 chapters, reads at a fast clip and is packed with accounts of Jesus healing various diseases and handicaps.

Two miraculous healings popped out to me in the first few books of Mark.

Mark 2:1–12 tells of the paralyzed man whose four friends carried his bed to the house where Jesus was teaching. Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “[R]ise, pick up your bed, and go home.” The paralyzed man did as Jesus said: “he rose and immediately picked up his bed and went out before them all” (vs. 11–12).

Mark 3:3–5 tells of a man with a withered hand in the synagogue. Jesus arrived at the synagogue, spotted this man, and said to him, “Stretch out your hand.” The man did as Jesus said and “his hand was restored” (vs. 5).

What if these men, the paralyzed man and the man with the withered hand, had the same attitude toward Jesus as His opponents? What if they doubted His power and authority? What if they labeled Him presumptuous?

What if the paralyzed man hadn't tried to stand up when Jesus told him to? What if he said, either out loud or in his heart, “Jesus, I can't do it. I have never been able to sit up, let alone stand! Why are you asking me to do something I obviously can't do? Who do you think you are?”

What if the man with the withered hand hadn't attempted to stretch out his arm when Jesus told him to? What if he admitted, “Jesus, I just don't believe that I can. My hand is what it is and that is how it will stay. Please don't taunt me; it offends me.”

I have said “I can't” plenty of times recently. In fact, just the other day, I texted a friend this message: “I don't think I can get better.” What if Jesus said to me, “Believe in Me, and I will heal your hurt”? And what if I believed?

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

Untitled 2

2014-04-22T22:20:00.001-05:00

Help! I am fallen down where
Emotions press me sore.
Loosen these chains. “Oh,
Please!” I cry out softly.

Mend my brokenness, and
End my hopeless thoughts.

Overcome this vile and sinful
Heart, for it hurts itself and others.

Lord, help me be yours,
Only and faithfully yours.
Remove from me fears and
Doubts that pull me from you.

To the extent possible under law, J has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to this work. This work is published from: United States.

Psalm 56:3

2014-03-26T23:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get stuck…. OK, a lot of times I get stuck. Especially when it comes to emotions. I get stuck feeling anxious, sad, scared, or numb. Right now I'm picturing myself in a large(ish) automobile, traveling down a dusty road somewhere in the Outback. Not sure why I'm in Australia, but I am. My tires are whipping up dust clouds and kicking up clods of dry mud and chunks of gravel. It's not a smooth ride, but I'm moving along fine enough. Then, in the amount of time it takes for me to blink, KERTHUNK! My tires have gotten themselves stuck in a giant rut. About 2 minutes later, it's dark outside and I am all alone with my stuck little self in this stuck large(ish) car, and I have no idea how to get out of this predicament.

This current rut is a fear rut. A few weeks ago, I had a casual conversation with a friend that triggered a whole lot of fear. I panicked. I made some poor and frantic decisions. And I ratted myself out to my therapist. She suggested we use the experience as a target for EMDR. (Feel free to Google “EMDR.” It is actually pretty cool.) Even though I have made some pretty substantial progress with EMDR before, I am scared. I am scared because the target is a scary thing for me, and I am scared because I have experienced overwhelming emotions during EMDR in the past.

About 6 months ago, my therapist responded to a rambling email from me. The subject line of that email was “Stuck.” She said,

Just keep moving. The scary won't hurt you, as much as it seems it can. You are OK even when you don't feel that way.

Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust you.”

Keep your mind focused on our God who is faithful, good, and ever present in times of trouble.

Half a year later, I find myself in a similar emotional state. Stuck in scared mode, anticipating tomorrow when we begin another course of EMDR. This time, I am making the words of Psalm 56:3 my own: On my scared days, I will trust God. He is able to help me through.

Scripture quoted in the image above taken from the World English Bible. The World English Bible is in the Public Domain. That means that it is not copyrighted. See copyright information here: https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/World-English-Bible-WEB/#copy.