Serendipity

2011-12-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

I celebrated my 60th birthday this year by
buying an all terrain 4 wheeler.

Here is a picture of me playing with

It in the back yard.

Do You Dance?

2011-12-08T13:28:00.000-08:00

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas, leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... Never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's Arse?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... But... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here: Never be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. Always, always make sure you know who has the power. Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Getting Married

2011-12-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

Jack, age 92, and Jill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The chemist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Chemist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Chemist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Chemist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Chemist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Chemist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Chemist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Chemist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Chemist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Chemist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

2011-11-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

Next day the newspaper headline read:
'SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

And do you men know Jesus Christ?

2011-11-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a building site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

Donald & Daisy

2011-10-21T08:24:00.001-07:00

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

Don't fart in Harrods.

2011-10-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond

bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more

closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed

her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of

a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect

of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help

you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman

somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of

this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going

to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

What is a calorie?

2011-09-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at

night and sew your clothes tighter...

MINE IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS.

A loo with a view

2011-07-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

A somewhat draughty convenience:

At my age

2011-02-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Aussie trucker and the Emu

2011-01-10T12:39:00.001-08:00

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change apays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Postcard I

2011-01-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

New Definitions of 2010

2010-12-02T14:13:00.001-08:00

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Laugh out loud...it's good for the soul

2010-11-29T13:16:00.000-08:00

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised that I desperately needed to break wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how was your day?

Latest Apple must have

2010-11-22T14:51:00.000-08:00

We’ve had the iPod

We’ve had the iPhone

We’ve the iPod touch

Now we are currently being wowed by the iPad

What next?

Coming soon...

...the iRon:

The Glasgow Brothel

2010-10-29T12:42:00.001-07:00

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Dog

2010-10-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house,
slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall
and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar :-
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware
that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow' ?

Magic Sandals

2010-09-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

A married couple were on holiday. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper say, 'Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The shopkeeper said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was..

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The shopkeeper replied, 'Just try them on, Man.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the shopkeeper's thighs.

The shopkeeper began screaming: 'You got them on the wrong feet Man!'

A Wee explanation

2010-09-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

The first politician

2010-09-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

An archaeological team, digging in
Greece , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
Of what is believed to be the first
Politician.

WHY THEY USE WOMEN FOR CALENDARS

2010-09-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

There you have it - now you know why!

Tough Love

2010-09-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight in the plane during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engine, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. It also works well in cars.

He said he was a nudist just come in to use the phone...

2010-09-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

Ouch!

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

2010-09-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out

there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you

Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the

pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

Can I fondle your bum?

2010-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:00