~Womensselfesteem.com's Relationship Blog~

~A Valentine's Day Truism~

2012-01-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is around the corner and I am going to share with you a little bit about this special day through my thoughts and also on how it was originally intended for the pleasure of the male as per the findings through folklore and historical facts. Here is a bit about what history has depicted as to how Valentine's Day began.

**For eight hundred years prior to the founding of Valentine's Day, the Romans practiced a somewhat pagan frolic in mid-February celebrating the young men's rite of passage to the 'God Lupercus'. This celebration featured a lottery in which young men would draw the names of certain teenage girls from a box. The girl would be assigned to each young man as his sexual companion during the remaining year.
Eventually this changed slightly, instead of the names of young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Both women and men were allowed to draw from the box, and the game was to resemble the ways of the saint they drew during the rest of the year. For obvious reasons, many of the men were not too happy with the stated changes.
Another change that evolved at that time was the replacement of the 'God Lupercus' with another that the Church deemed as a suitable patron saint of love. They found an appropriate choice in 'Valentine', who, in AD 270 was beheaded by Emperor Claudius. Claudius who then decided that married men made weak soldiers, banned marriage from his empire. But Valentine secretly would marry young men that came to him. When Claudius found out about Valentine, he first tried to convert him to paganism. Hence, Valentine reversed the strategy, trying instead to convert Claudius. When he failed, he was stoned and beheaded.
During the days of Valentine's imprisonment, he fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer. According to legend, his love for her, and his great faith, miraculously healed her from her blindness just before his death. Before he was put to death, he signed a final message to her, 'From your Valentine.' A phrase that has been used on this day ever since.
Even though the lottery for women had been banned by the church, the mid-February holiday in commemoration of St. Valentine was still used by Roman men to seek the affection of women. It became a tradition for the men to give the ones they admired a hand-written message of affection, which would contain 'Valentine's' name.

The first Valentine card was stated to have been sent in 1415 by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his beloved. He too, was being held prisoner in the 'Tower of London' at the time.
The symbol of 'Cupid' which has become a very familiar symbol of Valentine's Day, became associated with it because he was the son of Venus, the Roman God of love and beauty.**

Now you know a little bit more as far as how Valentine's Day came to be, and here are my thoughts..As the years moved on and the world advanced into more of a marketing and profit oriented lifestyle, Valentine's Day has evolved into more of a means to profit. I will even take it one step further and say that Valentine's Day has become a trigger of stress for some. Why is that you may ask....because, to some people, it means more about getting something to prove to themselves or others that they are deemed as special on that day. I have even known some people that send themselves flowers and tell others that they have that special someone for that exact reason. Why not just say that you have sent yourself flowers... why not just say that you are your special person? More than not, it is because that is what Valentine's Day has become. Make today the first time that you decide to send yourself flowers on Valentine's Day~
Please, do not get me wrong here... I am not belittling the romantic note behind Valentine's Day, what I am doing is trying to allow it to be for everyone and anyone that just wants to send a message whether it be friendly or affectionate to another. When I was a child, I gave out 100's of Valentine's Day cards. I also made sure that I did not miss anyone as I did not want anyone to feel that they were not in some way deserving of a special message. So why as we get older, does Valentine's Day have to be segregated to just one person? You will notice that I have bold-faced a certain few words in the little story above. A hand-written message of affection.... that is one of the most important thoughts that should be behind Valentine's Day. It is not just about sending a true love or an intimate partner a gift... it is about sending someone that you cherish as a friend or even a trusted neighbor a little something.
Valentine's Day is about you and I have never seen it written anywhere that sending flowers or a card cannot be to yourself or to a friend~

~This is my Valentine"s Day message to all of you~

DorothyL

Happiness depends upon ourselves~

2011-12-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

~All the Best Wishes and Success in 2012 to everyone~

A small reminder from me to you...

Change and improvements to your life can only happen if you not only want, but allow them to.

The responsibility is all yours...the choice is yours,

so why not choose the direction that will allow you to continue your journey forward~

~From Womensselfesteem.Com to You & Yours~

A cry for help~

2011-11-09T05:43:00.000-08:00

Relationships can bring out many insecurities that we have either managed to avoid or that we just have never had to deal with before. One of those insecurites that I seem to address more and more in my thoughts is jealousy. Below you will read a letter sent to me by a women who has seriously reached a desperate point in her relationship, hence why she wrote a complete stranger with her cry for help.

She wrote......

***************

I am writting this as I am driving myself and my partner insane with my Jealousy. My Partner gives me no reason to think he is a womenizer or does he check females out of the internet or anything like that, its just me my self esteem is so low I compare myself to every walking female and if he dares to say "oh that girl has unusual eyes" thats it my head just goes, I start to think well he says my eyes are amazing maybe he likes hers better. We go out for dinner and straight away im checking other girls out in the restaraunt, and making sure he dosent notice them. He has a few female friends on facebook and I have finally come to terms that they are just old school friends and as he tells me constantly it is just fb and dosent mean anything, I still deep down panic and think he's gonna meet up with one of them and end up falling in love with them, My partner adores me he tells me im sexy and that I just do it for him in every way physically and mentally, but still my god dam head is driving me insane, I keep alot of these horrible thought inside but sometimes well most of the time he can tell something is bothering me just by the look on my face. This is really affecting us and I hate being like this as I know its not normal and I try to tell myself to stop but it just overtakes I know im a good looking women, I have a bubbly personality and yeah I can walk into a room and turn heads and my partner has told me how he is proud to walk beside me so why the hell do I do this, its like this little voice is just cant get rid of. I have this fear that he is going to find something better, someone better is going to come along.

He is so supportive as well, he encourages me to get a hobbie so I go to the gym and I am starting photography and he is helping me buy a camera. Since reading your article's I have been saying to myself I am unique strong and beautiful in every-way.
Will I ever just be happy being me?.

***************

Sound familiar or perhaps you have a friened that has or still is experiencing this horrific sense of hopleness in their relationship. I am sharing this with my readers as it too may help them to identify and rectify certain insecurities that may be causing a wedge in your relationship.

My reply went as follows:

Hello ......
Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts with me. You have taken a huge first step in just writing to me about your insecure feelings.These types of feelings are not fun and there is not one person on this earth that would not stop them if all it took was a simple thought. That is most certainly not to say it is impossible....however it takes real consistent self-talk and commitment in order to reset your thought boundaries.

You have mentioned that you have read my articles...have you listened to my audio articles...as they are a bit more personal and have proven to be very effective for many woman?
Here are a few suggestions and understandings to get you started. I can help support you and even help you simplify situations but the real work is going to be within who you are and how you feel about who you are.

The following suggestions should become a part of your minute by minute thinking.

When you feel fear in the thought that your partner may leave you for another woman...that fear is real. What you must start to do when that happens is not fight it...try acknowledging it to yourself or even better to your partner, if you still have open communication. By that I mean... telling him that the fear is beginning...separate your fear from your actual reality. As fear is not a reality ...it is however a real emotion that is very controlling and when it becomes confused as to when to react or when not to react.... it can cause us alot of frustration and misery. It will warp our sense of what is really happening to what our fear thinks is happening.

Also stop blaming yourself for how you feel... once you can simplify your fear and talk about it as it happens... you will be able to gain better control over it. Your feelings are real...it is the fact that you cannot control those feelings that needs to be reset.

Sounds simple right...well you already know that there is nothing simple when you are caught up on the fear roller coaster. That is why it takes consistent and repetitive self-talk. Eventually your mind will automatically derail those thoughts that create your fear which in turn reacts at the wrong times.
The main reason people feel insecure in their relationships aside from certain actual deceptions, is how they feel about and see themselves. If you do not value everything about yourself, even the little imperfections that we all have, then you are going to automatically look at others as being better than yourself and in many cases a more suitable match for your own partner.
Low self-confidence is a double edged sword. It not only destructs you as a person, it also destructs your ability to trust in another persons thoughts of you. This is when you begin to do your partners thinking...it is a one persons mind conversation. You begin to control the entire scenario and it will always be pointed at belittling yourself and/or accusing your partner of something that they have no clue of. That is what uncontrolled emotions do.

The next time a thought pops up ....chances are it will be the same thought that caused you misery once before ...immediately tell yourself that you have been here before and nothing good came of it...dissect what really is happening, and compare it to what you think is happening. Change how you handle it... even if you have to remove yourself for a few minutes to breathe away the anxiety that the fear will cause. This you will have to do everytime you feel the fear begin.

So from this reply onward... feel free to write me every time you find yourself falling into the
fear zone. I can help you to simplify and see your thoughts in a different way.

It is a good thing that you have such an understanding partner....now you should learn to be as understanding of yourself :)

Remember...you are you .... there is no other like you...own that thought and be proud of it~
~D~

***************

There are a few follow up correspondences since ... in which I will post at a later date.

~As always...I look forward to your thoughts and suggestions~

Dorothyl

Fat and Beautiful

2011-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

~Womensselfesteem.com's Relationship Blog~..
.. brings you a rare guest post~

The author of this post goes by the name of Unikorna. She brings Unique content to her readers through her blog, ' Why I Wake up Every Day'. This article in-particular caught my eye as so many of today's issues for women are connected to whether or not size matters. And no...I am not referring to men here...I am referring to how women today feel about their bodies. Many women battle this concern especially when they are in a relationship. As we are all aware of, once we have a partner, we will without a doubt eventually be sharing our most intimate thoughts and unclothed bodies. The issue of a womens body size does eventually begin to be an issue. Women begin to want the lights off more and more and/or even tend to wear clothing to bed. Once again, I point the finger at the media's idealism of the perfect body type. A message to both men and women... choose the partner that you love and that most suits who you are. Body size should only matter when it becomes a health issue. If you are a true loving partner, then your first responsibility to your relationship is to take care of yourself in body and mind.

~The photos in this article are not meant to offend anyone, they are merely meant to show the beauty in the natural curves of a woman ~

~Below are thoughts by Unikorna~

Ever since I was a little girl I was fascinated by old movies and their lovely breathtaking classic beauties with their curvy hips and tiny waists strangled in tight corsets. In my idea women are supposed to look feminine, whatever that might imply. That is why I was so shockingly impressed of how beautiful a plus size woman can be, if she makes an effort and shakes away all the inhibitions.

I know from painful personal experience that 3 rows of bellies can hardly be hidden under a nice sexy dress, but there are certain outfits that can flatter any kind of figure. However I should mention that I cannot agree with a woman being resignedly content with her size, and only because it is horribly unhealthy.

Eating everything you want, whenever you want can have tremendous effects on your well being(that I know from personal experience) . Sitting on your couch watching tv all day can't be healthy either.Eat whatever you want, but also move your ass a little, do some exercise...

Nevertheless nothing can excuse modern world's obsession with being skinny, far too skinny and thus ostracizing all the women above size 10. Most of these women, in my opinion, are far more appealing than the starving models we see on the catwalks.

And my boyfriend agrees with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is not an issue that will disappear unless men and women realize and understand the true meaning of reality and ones natural gift in being the UNIQUE person they were meant to be~

~Many thanks to Unikorna for sharing her thoughts with my readers~

Dorothyl

PORNOGRAPHY...should I or shouldn't I?

2011-09-05T09:54:00.000-07:00

Ahhh yes... the game of porn..the topic that has raised more that just ones sexual desires. Not only has it been known to be fuel for many addictive personalities, it has been known to play devils advocate between many partners throughout the years. Pornography has been around since the early 1900's and will be around for a long time as will any other of mans prosperous inventions. Pornography is not about romance, nor is it just about 2 adult people having sex...it is raw, it warps ones realities, it involves multiple numbers of people, including children and even animals. It will captivate and imprison many viewers that have the slightest addictive characteristic. There are no limits to what people will do to make money and pornography is a clear sign of that. It most definitely shows the level of weakness that a human-being can be brought down to. How can anyone say that pornography is a good thing?

Unfortunately pornography is not just a picture of a sexy and beautiful girl or a washboard-abs tanned and/or a sweaty, but very hot guy, it is a form of entertainment that has caused serious complications in relationships.

I have touched on the topic of pornography many times throughout my articles, more so due to the fact that contrary to popular belief, it is not something for everybody and it has played a huge role in causing problems between partners. Pornography is a huge money maker, that we all agree on. What we do not all agree on is, should we or shouldn't be part of it in any way, shape or form?

When we are talking relationships, these are a few questions that should be addressed between partners such as:

...are you even aware of the fact that your partner is uncomfortable watching porn with you or watching you watch porn?

...do you even care if he/she is uncomfortable?

...have you expressed your feelings towards watching porn with your partner, so that they can be aware of how you feel?

....is watching pornography something you need in order to have desires for your partner?

There are many partners that find themselves caught in the trap of feeling very uncomfortable with the fact that their partners are very much into watching pornography. This feeling, if unaddressed, can and will become a huge battle within the field of ones self-esteem and confidence. If the person experiencing these uncomfortable feelings does not attempt to share them with her/his partner, they are in fact, indirectly allowing negativity into the relationship.

It is each partners responsibility to communicate any and all feelings whether they are positive or negative to each other. That is called communication and that is one of the vital keys to a successful and happy relationship. If you have taken all of the necessary steps in sharing your thoughts on porn to your partner and he/she continues to ignore them or blatantly not care, then it is a sure sign that this partner is not for you.

AS always, when it comes to relationships, my first words of advice are, "BE responsible for your own happiness and also BE responsible in communicating your thoughts with your partner. You are not a mind reader and neither is your partner. When you are in the getting to know you stage of a relationship... it is very important to be wise as to what your potential partners likes and dislikes are all about. Try to lift those love/lust blinders now and then and really see that person for who they are.

Bottom line, we are all responsible for our decisions and our actions in our relationships. If you do not want to compromise in any of your habits or choices, my advice to you is to steer clear of ever committing to a relationship.
As far as pornography is concerned...should you or shouldn't you....do what you feel comfortable with and not a bit less than that~

~ A successful relationship is all about a balance of communication and compromise ~

~ DorothyL ~

Lost Feelings....now what?

2011-07-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself lost in a relationship of confusion, as if you were speaking a completely foreign language to your partner, vice-verse?

Have you ever found, that you could not seem to find the right way back?

Back to when you understood and were understood, in every thing that you would say or do.

Back to where it was easy and natural to be in the relationship like waters that trickling down stream.

Have you ever found while making love with your partner that something just is not quite right, as in the click is not clicking for some unknown reason? His smell has changed, his touches have less impact on your intimate-self, you just cannot stay within the moment anymore...something is just not right~

All of these feelings of being lost or off in a relationship do and will happen at one time or another. It is what I call the warnings of 'negative complacency', resulting in the 'wallflower syndrome'.

Some would say that these feelings of being lost are the first steps to the end of the relationship and they may very well be. However, if they are detected early enough and dealt with between both partners, the end will not so easily be invited.
It will take the efforts of both partners to find reason for the lost feelings. One partner cannot do this alone.
It will take courage and honesty from one, trust, maturity and understanding from the other.
Sharing these feelings, even if they are not what a partner wants to hear, is vital to the success and longevity of a relationship. Hearing that your partner is having issues in their feelings toward you is not easily accepted, as immediately they are taken as a personal attack or even as a feeling of failure. Fair enough, take a minute, have your pity party, but then, do move onto the issues at hand. Your partner is being very brave and in that bravery, she/he is taking great risk of being misunderstood. In that action alone, respect and an open mind should be given in turn.

Whether you are the partner with the lost feelings or the partner being confided in...it is not an easy time in any relationship.
It is a time when both partners must take their part in the relationship serious.
It is time for both partners to remember what brought this relationship together in the beginning and work from there.
It is a true reality check, that somewhere something has been forgotten or taken for granted.
It is time to find what has been lost between each other and why.
It is not the time to play badminton with blame or fault, it is not the time to dig up past indiscretions or mistakes.
It is not time for name calling or using hurtful selfishness as a weapon. If partners allow these reactions of destruction to take place, the relationship will then most undoubtedly come to a bitter end.

Once again we are faced with choices.

The choices of.. listening, understanding and working together...

or falling into a poor-me-puddle and drowning all alone~
~You Choose~

Is he perfect?

2011-05-16T12:25:00.001-07:00

~He isn't perfect...oh darn~

Each gender shares the same misconceptions when seeking out a partner....he/she must be perfect~

Funny how we as human beings secretly and even subconsciously seek that perfect partner. What trips us up in this desire is that the partner we are seeking is not actually a perfect species in themselves, but that they are a perfect species for us~

Speaking for women...I feel that we have our own innate desires and needs when searching for our partners. However, if we can keep in mind a few very valuable thoughts...we will not fail in finding him.

First and foremost, realize that ..he is not perfect.... neither are you, nor will the two of you ever be perfect.

However if...he can make you laugh at least once, cause you to think twice, admit to being human and apologizes freely, then hang onto him and give him all of you that you can.

He may not quote poetry, bring you flowers each day, he may not think about you every second, but he will give you one of the most delicate parts of himself, all knowing that you could easily break it...that being his heart~

Your goals will be in not hurting him, analyzing him, changing him, or expecting more of him than he can give. They will be in, giving him a smile when he makes you happy, yelling at him when he makes you mad and letting him know that you miss him when he is not there. Also.. love him deep when he is in need, hug him with all of your strength and listen when he needs to speak. Most of all remember this...no man is perfect, but there is a man that is perfect for you.

Simply put....one cannot be perfect alone~

~D~

~Happy Mothers Day~

2011-05-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

Moms....

Mom's are caring

Mom's are direction

Mom's are our mentors

Mom's laugh because they love

Mom's know without being told

Mom's hear without even listening

Mom's cry in the quiet of their hearts

Mom's sigh without loosing their smile

Mom's do not always say, but they certainly always see

Mom's very being is the opening to our doorway to life

Mom's feel us even when we do not feel ourselves

Mom's even at their worse are still our mom's

Mom's are the true meaning of unconditional

Mom's are angels without wings

Mom's are why Dad's exist

Mom's are daughters too

Mom's are always there
Mom's just are..

~

Composed by DorothyL in 2010

If only you could...

2011-05-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

This is pretty much what one could consider as being signs of true commitment and complete awareness. To have a partner that can understand us for who we are and why we are, is what we all seek in a relationship. Once the initial newness of a relationship wears off, we are the left to deal with the real deal or the real person, this is when the relationship really begins and the reality of what commitment is really starts to sink in.
To have a partner that delivers true unconditional love through consistent actions such as the ones above in the poster is what commitment is all about. Keeping in mind that commitment is not a one way street...it must come from both partners so as to join together in a healthy balance.
Commitment is untimely, it does not fade away or step aside...if anything it gets stronger and more prominent with time. A partner that loses interest in his/her partner will not be able to show commitment through actions, they may acknowledge it through words when questioned or forced...proving that once again actions speak louder and much more genuinely than words.

It is imperative to remember to treat your partner as you wish to be treated. It is also imperative to not expect your partner to be who you want them to be, but to accept them for who they want to be and are.
When expecting to be treated special or with exception...be aware that you in-turn are also offering/giving the same. As a human being, we love to mimic..we mimic without even realizing we are doing so.... in that we smile, when smiled at...we frown, when frowned at... we hug, when we get hugged... when we are complimented, we compliment back..ect. Practising what you preach is yet another way to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship
So many questions why of relationships fail are asked over and over..I believe that one of the main reasons that contribute to a failed relationship is because the balance of commitment is off.

~Keeping a balance between giving what you expect to get... is key in finding that someone~

~D~

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL~

2011-04-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

Apologize....

2011-04-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

Relationship Truisms

2011-03-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

you cannot make someone love you, you can however be someone who can be loved. The choice is then theirs.
no matter how much you may want a relationship with someone, that someone just may not want a relationship with you.
it can take years of invested time to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that matters.
be aware that one wrong decision takes a split second to make, which will give you a life of heartache.
no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to every relationship.
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be your last word..
you are responsible for your own actions, no matter what causes them.
there are people who love deeply, they just don't know how to show it...be patient, if you teach them lovingly, they will learn in turn.
true friendship can continue to grow, through absence and distance as can a true love...where there is a will, there is most definitely a way.
just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you the way they want to.
no matter how good a partner is, they will falter you at some point and that is when you must learn to forgive through your love.
the world does not stop and wait for the sufferings of a broken heart, and neither should you.
just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, on the other hand, just because they don't argue, doesn't mean they do.
we don't have to change our partner as long as we can understand that our partner does change.
beware of negative thinking...as it can become a devils advocate in your relationship.
how you understand who you are will help you to understand who your partner is.
although the word "love" is ever so endearing, it can lose it`s value when said without thought or meaning..
love is not for one to keep, it is however, to be to passed on, to stay alive.
just because you are having a bad day...does not mean that your partner has to have one also.
pretending to be someone you are not can be very tiring, why not save your energy for those who accept you for who you are.
is it that, you never know what you have until you loose it or is it that, you know what you have and just never think your going to loose it...?
you can not go wrong with a smile or a hug, just as a simple, how are you...invites friendship.

~D~

~A Valentines thought ~

2011-02-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

~Just a little something different for all of you Valentine Day Romantics~

~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~

~Remember...anyone can be your Valentine..
After all...did it not begin with friendship ~

~D~

What is Love????

2011-01-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

'I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again. My life seems to stop there, I see no further. You have absorb'd me. I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving.

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion... I have shudder'd at it... I shudder no more. I could be martyr'd for my religion: Love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die for you.
My creed is love, and you are its only tenet. You have ravish'd me away by a power I cannot resist."

- letter written by John Keats

~~~

When I ran across the letter above...I could not resist putting it into a post. So many people ask about and search for the true understanding of love. I could easily write a list of what love is and what love is not....but I am sure you all can do that just as easily. In a few select words we know that love can be described as, trust, respect , belief, commitment ect. As I said, 'words'. But, how do we know when we are in love, have fallen in love, can actually feel love? What is Love?

Does love begin with first impressions such as...lust, intellect, physical appearance, or is it actually blinded by those first impressions, hence the courtship facades. Those are indeed the real mysteries unsolved to many when we allow ourselves to enter into the world of relationships.

The small note above delivers to me, so many answers to those questions we so desperately seek an understanding to. Love is lust, love is eternity, love is life, love is a welcomed sacrifice of sorts, love is all consuming, love is demanding of commitment, love is unpredictable, love is all powerful, but most of all, love is a connection between two people that no other can sever~

Many of us gamble in the game of love, a fact that I have written about so very many times. Entering into a relationship is a huge risk to the safety of ones heart, mind, and comfort zone. So why do we continue to challenge that risk without really knowing/understanding, the mystery of...' what is love?'

How many of us actually have ever felt what John Keats has shared with us?

How many of us think the one we choose is right for us because we want them to be?

How many of us choose a partner because of appearances, success, convenience, or controllability?

How many of us actually choose someone because it feels right , it feels good, it feels worthy, it feels like nothing we have ever experienced before?
How many of us avoid everything about it, out of fear of the unknown?

How many times have you, yourself or a friend chosen a person for all the wrong reasons, thinking that is what love is?

Why do we not acknowledge those factors when we know in no uncertain terms just how damaging relationship failures are to our very own wellbeing?

Well, if you have read and understood what 'Keats' wrote above, then you will know the answer to, 'What is Love?' We do it because the risk is worth the all consuming feelings that love delivers even if only for a short period of time which in some cases, does in fact deliver for a very long time.

Have you ever stopped and really thought about why you love that someone in your life and how their presence and/or absence means to your happiness?

These thoughts are essential to your not taking your relationship for granted and at the same time staying in-tune with what may or may not be changing between the two of you. Make awareness a second nature where your relationship is concerned and you will never be blindsided by the unknown~

Simply put, just another answer to 'What Is Love?''

'Love is like war.....

Easy to begin but hard to end'

~D~

~Happy New Year~

2010-12-31T11:20:00.000-08:00

**

As the clock of life continues to click by..it brings..

New Year..

New Lives..

New Loves..
New Goals...

New Thoughts...

It is up to...YOU..

and you alone

to make them happen...

for YOU.

Psssssst....

2010-12-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

Have a.....

Very...

~Merry Christmas~

~D~

Whatever you give a woman...

2010-12-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a little something that was sent to me from a very dear friend.

So many thanks to Collin of Sexy Legs and Body~

I think this will add a smile and chuckle to your day~

~D~

~Lights On...Lights Off~

2010-11-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

Men ask....

Why do women prefer the lights off during intimate relations ... commonly known as sex?

Probably for the same reason that they dread thier reflection from the lights in certain department store fitting rooms..every little thing they consider an imperfection which is normally tucked underneath clothing is amplified or seen....or so they think~ They tend to feel very vulnerable which more than not enhances their lack of confidence in their beauty and their sexuality.

How they view their bodies is exactly how they think thier partners are viewing them also. What we have here is a definite confidence issue or the lack of it...resulting in wanting the lights off.

Woman ask...

Why is it that men prefer the lights on...during intimate relations...commonly known as sex?

Men are visual creatures, we already know this. It is as simple as that. Their feelings of arousal begin through thier visual senses in many cases . Men love woman...with clothes on and with clothes off. Men do not see a woman's body as she does. If he smiles and wants you, trust that he is not going to judge you. Men do not disect their partners body. It is so not about that, contrary to what so many woman believe. Men get more turned on when his partner is open and free with her body to not only himself but also to his body. He reacts to her passions and her sexual desires and that is all that matters at that point.

We all know that when we are aroused the last thing we are thinking about is what he looks like or what she looks like. Just being at the stage of lights on or off...both partners have already decided that they want that person.

~With television and Internet's endless collection of what is deemed as 'eye candy' or 'the perfect body', it is no wonder that a women's confidence and self-assuredness are feeling challenged every minute of the day.

What women need to realize is that in reality...there is no perfect body. Believe it or not...most men already know this and they most certainly do not want what the media portrays as a perfect partner. Men will choose who they themselves deem as the perfect partner for them and to them.

Loving another person and sharing sexual intimacies goes far past the outer image issue. It is about wanting to be with that person because of who they are and missing them when they are not with you.

Sexual connections are an amazing key to keeping a relationship growing. Sexual connections are a language in themselves. When we as woman want the lights off...what we are really saying to our partners is that we do not trust that they truly love us for who we are.

~The longer we keep the lights off...the longer we live in the dark~

~D~

~Communication between the sheets~

2010-10-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

Funny how couples tend to avoid, become shy or even miss-communicate when certain discussions arise, for example the, 'between the sheets' topics such as sexual desires, fantasies, orgasms, and/ or the, 'this is where I want to be touched' issue. Partners essentially should be the ones open to discuss just about anything ..should they not?

It is said that some things should be kept in secret even in a relationship..sexual fantasies, for example can be seen as 'ones own' world of pleasure never to be shared...but what if you could share your secret fantasy with your partner and she/he actually shares that same fantasy with you or is willing to be part of that fantasy? How would you ever know if you do not share these thoughts.

Many men and woman have stated, that if their partners would be more open to their sexual fantasies...they would have no need to watch pornography`hence the need to be able to communicate ones sexual thoughts.

Yes, it has been said that once a sexual fantasy is brought into a reality it can change how you feel about your partner and/or be way too dangerous to deal with or leave behind. This is true IF the fantasy is not understood or acceptable between both partners. Again how will you know if you do not communicate these thoughts?

Sexual desires and the touch spots are vital to experiencing and enjoying a healthy sex life.
Here are some rules of thumb for you`......

Know thyself...Touch yourself ..find your sweet spots ..how can you communicate these feelings if you do not know where they are?

Trust thy partner...A must ..in order to feel comfortable enough to be able to communicate such private thoughts and desires with another.

Educate thy partner...He/she cannot read your mind ..how can you expect your partner to know where it feels good or what you truly desire between the sheets if you do not show him/her?

Performance pressures...Can't get it up/can't keep it up ...did you have an orgasm? ..do I look fat?...am I too old ...Gosh I am just so tired ...men and women both feel under tremendous pressure to perform in the sexual arena.

For those men that feel they are the only ones that experience performance pressure...WRONG...women also feel it and more. Women are the ones that are mainly faced with the 'did you or didn't you' question. Women feel inadequate if they do not. They also fear making their partners feel inadequate if they don't. Lets not forget the struggles with the female confidence battle..hence the 'turn off the lights' preference. I will take it a step further and bring forth the conflict of who is at fault if the man cannot get it up so to speak or keep it up.

This is a partnership...a team effort and no one person is responsible ...what is responsible is the lack of communication between the sheets. Without understanding and honest sharing...how can any partnership be healthy and successful?

I am sure this has a familiar ring to it for many when engaging in sex with your partner....

If it is not obvious...the man asks the woman if she has had an orgasm...pressure rises...the woman hesitates and says, 'yes' .. or.. 'don't worry about it ...as long as you had one ...I don't have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex with you'~

The man then feels incomplete or inadequate as it is not 'ok'...he wants to know that his partner has enjoyed their sexual endeavors just as much as he did...nor does he comprehend her thought of enjoying sex without an orgasm~

You can however look at it this way...guys/girls...it really is OK to just enjoy kissing, coupling or simply hugging and yes a person can get a lot of pleasure from just that. It does not always have to be the worlds biggest explosion nor is it something to take personally or as a sign of inadequacy. Like everything in life...simply find a balance. Sometimes the smallest pleasures are absolutely amazing and memorable. Communicate with each other, that it really is OK ...

What I have shared with you above barely touches the list of the 'lack of' in communication amongst partners between the sheets. Can you imagine how much more fun and worry-free life would be if we could only learn to share our thoughts and feelings with the one we deem to be our life partner?

~Be honest with yourself and then share that honesty with your partner....it truly is a key to happiness between the sheet~

~D~

~ Interpretation in a relationship~

2010-09-02T13:48:00.000-07:00

We have all heard the phrase... 'a picture is worth a thousand words'. What interests me the most about this phrase is, in those thousand words just how different each word can be, when the object being viewed is being interpreted through a thousand different minds. Take the photo below...this photo most definitely speaks a thousand words~

I ask that you do reply in the comment section as to your thoughts/or words on this picture and I will moderate the words from the actual comments. Once I have received enough different interpretations I will do a follow up post with those results. My reason for this is so that your words are not swayed by another's interpretation. Please humor me with this as it is a very important part of my relationship research~

How a sender and receiver interpret each others words can be considered the fine line between love and hate in a relationship. This applies in every type of relationship, whether it be between lovers, parents and children or siblings themselves. A message can indeed change its course the minute it is verbalized by the sender, and/or interpreted by the receiver or receivers. Many things can play devils advocate in how a message is sent or received. Body language, voice tones, temperament of sender at the time, monetary distractions even in how the receiver is listening. If the receiver is tired, hormonal, stressed, distracted or has traumatic past unresolved issues, they cannot possibly be hearing the message as it is being delivered, hence their ability to listen and/or hear is disabled to some degree.

It takes self-awareness and choosing appropriate times to send or receive messages as are they are initially intended. It also takes effort by both the sender and receiver to realize if and when there may be underlying issues in how the message is sent or received. Understanding yourself and understanding your partner in any relationship is vital to being able to interpret each others messages in a healthy manner. As a picture speaks a thousand words so can our own interpretations. Our minds can interpret a single word in so many ways depending on how our emotions. Being aware of your emotions or state of mind is should be your first step before either sending or receiving, because how one receives also determine how one reacts in turn. We prepare for so many things in life...isn't preparing to communicate as important, if not more important?

I look forward to your thoughts~

~D~

If I only knew~

2010-07-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

If I only new~

If I only new that you were going to ignore me..

If I only knew that you were having an affair with another...

If I only knew that you stopped wanting to make love to me....

If I only knew that you would stop being my truest friend...

If I only knew that you were not going to want me to be with you when you went out...

If I only knew that you were going to put me at the bottom of your list of care and priorities...

If I only knew that I would become that partner that was complained about at your work-place...

If I only knew that you would stop communicating with me and chose someone else's time and ear...

If only knew that our lives were going to choose different directions and not look back...

If I only knew that you did not understand the true meaning of the word partner or commitment....

If I only knew that I would be doing 80 % of the work in order to maintain and keep our relationship strong...

If I only knew that you would be the one that would rape me of my confidence, self-esteem and myself...

If I only knew that the one I most trusted, cherished and loved would be the one to initially break my heart...

If I only knew...

After reading this...does it not make you want to be damn sure that you have taken the time and patience to really know as much as you could possibly know about the person that you are choosing to hold and protect your heart?

Most of my thoughts are directed towards making sure and knowing that you are not going to be the one writing that little poem of misery I have just shared with you~

There is no perfect situation or relationship...so stop looking for it. There is no promise of a lifetime relationship as people do die. But what there is...is a knowledge and an awareness that only comes with time well spent in getting to know your partner before you hand over your heart and soul.

People do change...yes..that is a given fact. It is in 'which direction' they change and how aware of their change 'you are' that is the key in your ability to change in the same direction or not.

You are not simply shopping for a new pair of jeans here or a new car...which many people are guilty of spending more time and concern doing as apposed to who they chose for a partner.

There are a lot of good relationships out there and those relationships are built of trust and respect for each other. They are not built on hopes and dreams or fantasies of what we see displayed on daytime television. 'Anything worth having is worth waiting for'....we have all heard those words of wisdom so many times, but do we ever stop and apply them? Waiting and working for something earns rewards and it also comes with a solid foundation which is vital to any successful relationship.

Awareness of who this person really is and where he comes from is the air that allows your relationship to breathe freely later on.

Watch this person out in public...watch how their friends treat them, who their friends are. Watch how they react to certain situations. Get to know a lot of who they were before you both met... who their families are...the relationships they have with their family and friends.

All of these things will be very helpful in your really getting to know your potential partner.

Most of all and I have said this hundreds of times...lift up those love blinders...and look at this person as a potential partner for your sister or best friend...how would you scale them for a person you care about. Once you have acknowledged who they are and not who you want them to be...then you can lose yourself on that oh so sweet feeling of love~

~A Vital Key....be true to yourself in who you are..

.. then you will be able to identify the right partner for you~

~D~

Relationship Quotes & Lady GA GA

2010-06-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Even Lady GaGa sings about being caught in a bad romance. Most of us have been there and many of us have yet to be there. Either way it does not hurt to have a few supportive affirmations that will help strengthen your inner self-acceptance so that you can be accepting and understanding in your relationships.

~ Caught in a bad romance...
~It is up to you to decide your options~

Below I have posted a few of my own relationships affirmations. I leave one just about every night as I visit my world of Blogsville~

I encourage you to copy and keep them for your own support system. There is much power in selective words~

~~~~~~~~~~~

~Be true to yourself in who you are ...as only then will you be able to identify the right partner for you~

~Understanding is a vital relationship key as...one can not change nor accept what you cannot understand~

~Self-pity is in the fact that you do not accept the gift of life granted to you as a unique individual.~

~Guys...feelings may not be important to you...but they most certainly are the key to her heart~

~To observe without making judgement... is how one remains aware of their purpose in life~

~It is not to hear what you want to hear, but to hear exactly what partner is telling you~

~Relationships, are like anything worth having ....unique and deserving of respect~

~To accept without boundaries or conditions is to have total and absolute faith ~

~Nothing is so strong as gentleness...nothing is so gentle as real strength~

~True intimacy is in the meeting and understanding of someones needs~

~Desperation is not your friend when deciding on your life's partner~

~When your partner is in need....a friend you should be indeed~

~Never underestimate your partners reasons for loving you~

~You must Love...if you want to be loved~

~Relationships are about ..relating~

~D~

~Are you.....Drowning in abuse~

2010-06-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

The action of Abuse knows absolutely no limitations...it knows no relationship, color, gender or age. It is one of the most shaming, scarring and traumatic experiences a human mind will ever have to conceive and/or overcome.

Abuse is one of those words that society will never fail to turn into shame...it is why I have named it a ' HUSH WORD'. It happens every second of every day in every relationship and somehow kept very hush..hush~

Believe me when I say this...it is happening in your neighborhood if not in your own home right now. It is what most people, that are victims work very hard at hiding because of many reasons, shame being one. Another being the realization that they are in fact in an abusive relationship and will be forced to deal with it if they admit it to anyone especially to themselves.

Victims will go to any length to hide their abuse, not so much to protect their abuser, more so to protect themselves.

Ask yourself these questions...answer them honestly.

-What is abuse to you?

-How far does your partner have to go in a violent manner before you would consider it abuse?

-Have you given up your friends and your family because your partner demanded you do so?

-Do you ignore name calling or verbal abuse?

-Have you forgiven your partner for more than one beating?

-Do you fear your partner?

-Do you stop breathing when your partner gets angry?

-Are you a different person when your partner is in the room?

-Do you feel trapped financially?

-Do you accept the abuse out of the fear for your children?

-Have you ever lied to protect your abuser?

-Do you lie to protect your own reality?

-Do you accept the blame for your partners negative reactions?

-Do you ever hope that things will be like they once were?

-Do you feel like you are drowning from abuse?

Do you abuse your partner?

If you choose to ignore the fact that you are being abused, either verbally, mentally or physically...you have only yourself to blame and you are in fact enabling the abuser to continue or to feel justified.

An abuser wears many different hats...acts in many different personalties and is very, very desperate to be in control. Control is the basis of abuse. Fear is the weapon used. Many women have dealt with it in either their life as a child, their relationships or their work place. An abuser will use any type of control to win over the victim. A strong and healthy self-esteem is one weapon that an abusive person cannot control. In many cases the abuser will immediately turn away from a stronger more self confident person and seek out a person with a much weaker self-esteem and self-confidence as they are much easier targets.

Why, we ask do they allow the abuse? I believe it is more than not because..it is so much easier for some women to allow it then to fight it. It becomes predictable, what they know or if they have already been abused, it is all they know. It is also a form of security for them. They can depend on that control to guide them otherwise they would have to be their own controller.

Life can be very scary when you have no confidence, when you are made to feel and believe that you would never make it without them and/or then we have the fear factor. The type of fear that consumes you, a fear that goes straight to the pit of your stomach. Also the type of fear that disables any type of rational or intelligent thoughts you may have had at one time. This type of fear can also turn you against yourself, always doubting the reality of the situation.

As in any form of abuse, people have a hard time identifying with the fact that they are victims of abuse. It is or it becomes a way of life that until they really notice that it is NOT a happy life, do they start to search for answers or reach out for help. Some never get away and some even die~

I am sure we have all met a person throughout out lives that we either witnessed or maybe just had a feeling that they were being abused...Did we help them or tell them they should leave...perhaps we did... but the chances are great that they probably denied it and possibly stopped being our friend. It is like any addiction or self-destruction, one must see it for themselves in order to change it.

Not to encouraging, is it? It most certainly is not, but that's why so many good doctors and therapists and just ordinary people like myself that genuinely care about others write books and articles for our blogs. We do it because we know that just maybe someone out there will read our articles and will finally look at their life and do something to gain their respect back, before their self-esteem is so low down they can never possibly see getting it up again.

Abuse is an ugly word and I call it a 'HUSH WORD' .....

because no-one talks about it.

We need to bring all these words out in the open, there is so much help out here for you. And YES you can do it and YES you can live a good life without it. To beat any issue we fight inside ourselves or in our daily lives is a HUGE step to a better you, a stronger you, a much more beautiful and freer you.

One more thing before I sign off...

Upon visiting one of my favorite Guy blogs..'The Guys Perspective' ..I noticed that they accepted an interesting challenge that was put out to all men, which consisted of sharing and/or passing on a rather upsetting reality check post based on the concerns of women, hate and The Internet

I truly commend you 'Guys' on your awesome character and choice as this post is not only a revealing truth, it is also, in short, 'bang on' as to what has been going on for centuries and still continues on in full force throughout the Internet~

The author of this very effective post.. Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet is a dear friend of mine, Cher from AskCherlock ...yet another one of my favorite places to spend my time reading and getting educated on all issues of the world~

~D~

~Males...Females...oh what mysteries~

2010-05-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I personally have read hundreds of books and articles on the differences between males and females and still remain mystified.. I have even spent a lot of time researching through questioning and observing males and females over the years and still, I am not quite satisfied .. Call it...curiosity or simply an innate need to know, why the two genders whom were created to compliment and relate to each other naturally, spend more time and reasons to not!

We all know the facts..males are visually stimulated...they think in very matter-of-fact minds, they are the hunters and protectors, where females are the complex thinkers, the nurturers, care givers and so very emotionally driven.

We also know they somewhere deep inside both genders do not feel accomplished until they have found a partner to share a relationship with.

Since the beginning of time, males and females were created to move forward, each in their own natural and individual directions. Somewhere along the line..this course of nature was altered...both genders lost their natural direction. Today, both genders spend more time either trying to change the other or trying to change themselves in order to be accepted by the other.

Through our human desire to constantly advance, whether it be through education or the lack of it, the woman's movement to gain independence or the need to live in a technical and material world, we have managed to completely change natures course. Is it any wonder that men are confused as to their masculinity and their reason for being or why women are so caught up in this need to be independent and superior? We have in fact created our own monstrous and unnatural genders...for lack of a better phrase!

One thing is certain, we find ourselves confused and constantly questioning why we are who we are and why we are where we are. Hence the feelings of being on an endless journey of never quite understanding each other.

The mysteries of the male and female really are not that complicated. It truly is all about acceptance, understanding and allowance of natural growth. Accepting each gender for who they are and how they think instead of trying to stifle and/or change who they are or how they think is how nature meant it to be.

Using acceptance, trust and love when we decide to commit to a relationship will guide you in the direction of natures course.

~Knowledge and understanding of the mysteries of the male and the female, comes without question through the 'acceptance of what is'~

~D~

~HAPPY MOTHERS DAY~

2010-05-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Moms....

Mom's are caring

Mom's are direction

Mom's are our mentors

Mom's laugh because they love

Mom's know without being told

Mom's hear without even listening

Mom's cry in the quiet of their hearts

Mom's sigh without loosing their smile

Mom's do not always say, but they certainly always see

Mom's very being is the opening to our doorway to life

Mom's feel us even when we do not feel ourselves

Mom's even at their worse are still our mom's

Mom's are the true meaning of unconditional

Mom's are angels without wings

Mom's are why Dad's exist

Mom's are daughters too

Mom's are always there
Mom's just are

Mom's die and for this reason we, the children should never take our Mom's for granted...not even one time~

~This is my collection of thoughts.. ..please feel free to add a few of your own to this list~

~HAPPY MOTHERS DAY .....to all of you beautiful Mom's~

~~

~D~