Angels Never Die

My cup runneth over <3

2015-09-20T07:00:00.001-07:00

I've always said I wouldn't know what to do with a little girl. Well, now I guess I'm just going to have to fly by the seat of my pants! Savannah will be here in February. Her due date is 10 days after Adam's first birthday. I wasn't supposed to be able to have Adam, so to have lasted this long in this pregnancy & have the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just surreal. My cup runneth over :)

Growing so fast <3

2015-08-06T06:11:00.001-07:00

6 months is just around the corner & not far from a year. Time just needs to slow down! My baby won't be a baby much longer.

Don't Blink <3

2015-07-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

Too fast, my little boy will outgrow me. I pride myself on not spoiling him, but there are times I feel so bad for not holding him more, for not picking him up faster. I know it's silly. I know he knows he's loved. But way too fast, he'll be too big to let me do those things anymore.

For this child, I have prayed...

2015-05-14T15:44:00.001-07:00

Well it's official :)

2014-07-13T14:15:00.001-07:00

I am 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow :) After so much trying & failing, the doctors say this could be it. There are no complications so far. I am so excited, past the point of being scared, & just can't thank my stars enough for this chance. I've been busting to tell the world, and since I can't totally do that yet, this'll have to do :)

Sunshine from rain :-)

2013-10-01T09:29:00.001-07:00

It has been over a year since my 3rd child went to live in Heaven with her brother and sister. There have definitely been days where I get all teary-eyed, and there isn't a moment that I don't wish they were all here. But the beautiful thing is that I'm clear-headed and sober this time around. After I lost Amara in May of 2012, I went off the deep end as I usually do after a miscarriage, and it wasn't pretty. About two months later, the ironic thing being that I really hadn't had that much to drink, I was arrested for a DWI. Those six hours in jail opened my eyes more then anything else ever had. Since then, I've been sober 435 days as of today, October 1st. Getting sober made me really look at the situations I would have brought these precious children into. I used to only think of the father they'd lack, but I know now that even if I'd stopped drinking while I was pregnant, once stress set in, I'd have picked it right back up. Knowing this doesn't make losing my babies easier, but it does put it into perspective for me.

Some Days

2012-02-27T17:23:00.002-08:00

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin in trying to describe how lost I feel without my angels. It's that time of year where I'm reminded of how old my daughter would have been, and it just thrusts the knife deeper on the recent loss of my son. I feel like such a failure as a Mother, as a Woman. My body couldn't hold them, protect them, deliver them into this world. Sometimes, I just don't know how to cope with that.

Alexabeth Catharine Marie would have been born in September of 2008. She stopped growing at 11 weeks, and her heart stopped soon after. At what would have been the 13 week marker, a miscarriage was confirmed. I felt like my world has stopped.

I would be into my second trimester right now with my son, Clayton Roman, had I not miscarried at 6 weeks. Of course, it was too early to determine gender, but I felt my baby was a boy.

Both of my angels were discovered after they were already gone. I didn't get to feel pregnant before I felt the blow of not being pregnant. Maybe that's a good thing. Some days, I'm just not sure. Yes, the situations both of them would have been born into wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been a hard road for all parties concerned, but it would have been worth it. I would have loved them enough for both parents. They never would have noticed anyone was missing from their life.

Can't Cry Hard Enough-Bellefire

2012-02-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

1st Christmas

2012-02-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

I wrote this the first Christmas after I lost my baby girl.

Dear Angel of Mine...
Christmas is almost here
I've got all the lights strung up
The mantle is laden with stockings
The trees gleam with ornaments
And here I sit, curled up on the couch
This would've been your first Christmas
You should be here in my arms
Cooing at the lights changing colors
Reaching for the glass ornaments
Pulling down the trees
Getting into presents
You should be fussing in church
Messing up your new holiday clothes
With milk and baby food
You should be here
You should be here with me
Falling asleep to my heartbeat
By the heat of this fire
Yes, the Father must've had
A better plan for you, my angel
Yet, the pain is still here
My heart, it still hurts...
Even as the carolers sing
And the angel's rejoice
My arms are empty this Christmas

Who You'd Be Today

2012-02-15T18:08:00.000-08:00

A tear slides down my face
I feel the void of your loss
So strong today
The emptiness in my arms
Is like a hundred-pound weight
On my battle-scarred heart
I'm still in recovery mode
As the rest of humanity goes on with life
The Earth is still turning,
The Moon and Sun still trade places
Yet, my world is at a standstill
I've gotten better at dealing, slowly
But when it hits me like this, it never seems easier
Harder, maybe
Fate dealt us a cruel hand, Dear one
Your book was closed before
It was even fully open
All the pages were torn away
So here I am, dealing as best I can
Nothing, I know, will bring you back
I'll never know what color your eyes would've been
Or what your laughter sounded like
Would you have had my big ears? God forbid
Would you have been a doctor who
Discovered cancer's cure?
The world will never know
I'll never know
Jeg savne dig, min medet lidt engel

Precious Angel

2012-01-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

Outside, the sky is
Preparing for another day
It's looking like the
Sun will stay bright,
Like it's gonna be a
Beautiful day...
But today, I wish it would rain...
I'm missing my
Precious Angel so much today...
I wish the rain would come,
I wish the Heaven's would cry with me...
Than I wouldn't be the
Only one grieving...
This world keeps turning,
And she's not here...
Precious Angel

You're Grieving Too

2012-01-25T17:43:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a few years back, when out of nowhere while sweeping the restaurant floor one night, it occurred to me that even though my daughter's father wanted nothing to do with me, he was still grieving her too. It was just in a different way, with different people. That realization did not make it any easier on me, but it did give me a new insight.

For so long,
I've felt alone in my pain
No one to grieve with me
No one to understand fully
The extent of these wounds I bare
But today, albeit seperately,
I realize you're grieving, too.
You understand every tear
Every scream to the Heavens, "WHY?!"
I may never see our angel do alot of things
But neither will you
I know this crippling pain I've borne
So I can imagine yours, Elskede
You'll never see her walk
Nor feel her hug you & kiss your cheek
I can just see you with the first boy
She'd bring to meet you
And it makes me laugh for a moment
Than I sober to the thought of
She'll never say "Daddy"
You'll never show her
"The Little Mermaid" in the harbor
Or the vast beauty of your homeland
Yes, today, I realized you're grieving with me

&& life goes on...

2012-01-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

It's like I never stop learning new things. It's hard to grasp that no matter what happens, time keeps moving on. Time isn't stopping because my life isn't going right, it isn't stopping because I'm hurting. It just keeps going. The world keeps turning, the seasons keep changing.
I laid there on that hospital exam table, my feet up in stirrups, listening to the god-awful drone of that machine as my unborn baby was taken from my body. My daughter had ceased to exist two weeks earlier, but the finality of the procedure hit me head-on. At that moment, I didn't think I could ever hurt more. Of course, I had thought the same thing just 2 months earlier, when her father unanimously decided that our relationship was over. At that time, I was naive enough to think that was as bad as it got. Sorely mistaken. Yet, while my daughter was dying, other babies were coming into the world. Time was moving on.
When I met my soulmate, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I didn't open up for a long time. He got parts of me, but bit by bit, I opened up completely and let him into my world. Into my heart. That just doesn't happen easily. When we decided that we would part, I was numb to it for a long time. It was like living in a bubble, where the outside world was only barely there. The true magnitude of the pain didn't hit me for some time. But when it did, it was losing Alexabeth all over again. The intensity felt almost the same.
I found out in the midst of our ending things that I miscarried at about 7 weeks. Again, my body failed me. I had thought the pain couldn't get any worse, but damned if I wasn't wrong once again. To sit there, seeing the first ultrasound I'd ever gotten to see, and our baby wasn't moving. A heartbeat couldn't be found. My chest felt like it would implode. Yet, life kept going. Regardless of how bad I was hurting, everyone else's lives kept going.
Tonight, I got the news I dearly didn't want to get. I'm not pregnant. I've had all the signs, the symptoms, and my hopes were high. I just felt confident that this was it, that I was finally going to have my happy ending, just not the traditional one with a Knight riding in on some white horse. But of course, that's not going to happen. That would be way too fair for all my heartache. And life goes on. Always.

2012-01-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

"Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine"

~Alison Krauss, "Baby Mine"

"Fly, fly precious one

Your endless journey has begun

Take your gentle happiness

Far too beautiful for this

Cross over to the other shore

There is peace forevermore

But hold this mem'ry bittersweet

Until we meet..."

~Celine Dion, "Fly"

2012-01-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

I wish I could draw, because I could sketch out one with a little girl holding a baby. I've scowered the internet to find something similar, but this one is the one I keep coming back to. Two angel siblings, brought together in death, tied together by a bond that is unshakeable. Most think I'm absolutely out of my mind for wondering about things like that, about whether my son is being cared for by his sister. I guess it makes me feel better, makes me feel closer to them both.

I realized today that March 31st will be four years since I miscarried my daughter. It's been a long four years. It still hurts like I just left the hospital after the D&C. I know she's in a better place, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I would have had a 3-year-old running around today, making me pictures to put on the fridge, and chasing my cats around the house. Poor Heath wouldn't stand a chance. That gives me a smile. Alexa...I hope she knows how loved she is. How loved they both are, by a Mother who would have given anything to have had them stay.

Jeg elsker dig, mig elskede smukke.

These Are My Footprints

2012-01-03T18:45:00.001-08:00

These are my footprints
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
For other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
In each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
Are found on Mommy & Daddy's hearts.
'Cause eventhough I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

2011-12-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

Beautiful Angel
I can no longer hold
You're as close to my heart as ever.
Not a day will go by
That I don't miss you
Long for you
Or wish things had been
Different.
But you are in a better place
Where no harm can ever
Touch you.
No one will ever make you cry
Or break your tiny heart.
My precious little one,
I love you.

I'll Be There

2011-12-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

This has got to be the single most important poem I've ever come across. It was my mantra after losing Alexa, and I'm glad I had it tucked away in an email to her father. I can't seem to find it anymore in the search engines. I'm not really a believer in the Christian faith, as I was raised in it, but this one still tugs at my heartstrings.

Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a special child,
And I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your windowpane,
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
Giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.

Today is today, but yesterday is still here

2011-12-20T15:24:00.001-08:00

Everyone's miscarriage experience is different. We all find out, and experience it different.
Some get to feel their baby kick, some get to see one good sonogram before they get the bad news, some get to carry them for several months. None of these scenarios is easy. They all end in pain.
For me, with my first, I suspected I was pregnant. I didn't know for sure. When I finally got to take an EPT, it came out negative. Three negative tests later, I was convinced I was losing my mind. Finally, I was forced to go to the doctor for a blood test. The blood test was negative. So, I took that to be the end of the speculation. Every article online that I read, said the blood test was fool-proof. If I was pregnant, it would for sure come out positive. That was the end of February 2008.
By the first of April, I had been bleeding for days, and bleeding really heavy. Almost hemorraging, it felt like. I couldn't barely get out of bed the pain in my abdomen was so bad.
I went to the ER one state away so that my family wouldn't find out. When I could finally be seen, the doctor suggested a D&C. I was shocked. I thought that I wasn't pregnant. Dr. Knight informed me that I had developed an infection from the fetus that wouldn't pass from my body on its own.
They deduced my baby had "expired" a week before, and my body hadn't wanted to let go. That makes sense. The next several hours went by in a blur. I laid there, with no drugs, listening as they surgically removed my baby from me. That sound stays with me to this day.
With my second, here just recently, I suspected I was miscarrying. The bleeding lasted for almost a month, and the pain was unbearable. But with everything that was going on, I put off seeing a doctor. I was hoping I was wrong. The first week of October, I finally went to the doctor, one I trusted very much, to give me the answer I needed. I had a sonogram. There was something there, but no movement. No heartbeat. They took the bloodwork, and promised to get back to me the next week.
I tried to deaden myself to the possibility that I had been pregnant, and once again, my body had rebeled. I couldn't take another miscarriage. But a month later, when I had heard nothing from Dr. Jacobs, I called the office to inquire of my results. The pregnancy test had been positive. My HcG levels had been declining, as they had with Alexa, and eventhough there had been no heartbeat with the first sonogram, I was advised to get another blood test done.
That test came out negative. My two doctors conversed over my records, and it was concluded that I had miscarried and successfully passed the baby this time. I was devastated. My life was falling apart.
Now, a month after the news, I am trying my hardest to use my grief in a positive sense. I want to help other women. I don't want to be that zombie I was after my first. I want to honor my Angels by helping others cope with their loss and remembrance.

Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart

2011-12-20T14:17:00.001-08:00

After miscarrying Alexa in March of 2008, I withdrew into myself. I didn't talk to anyone, and when I did, I was so angry that eventually no one wanted to be around me. Not that I blame them, even now. Thankfully, I had a few good friends who stuck by me, and did what they could to just be there even when I didn't want them to be.
Of course, not even all their love was able to keep me out of that deep dark hole I'd begun to fall into. I had started cutting, and drinking heavily on a regular basis. This was not long after I moved to Alabama from Louisiana. I was on my own for the first time.
The point to this post is this, I wish I would have had someone who truly understood my pain from the start.
I found this book on Amazon, and tracked it down at BAM! It's written by two professional women, who not only have medical degrees to help people, they both have experienced miscarriages. They know from a personal level the pain women in this situation go through. Marie Allen & Shelly Marks interviewed over 100 women, and even some men, to get the different feelings or takes on their journeys through this pain.
Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart was the turning point for me. I started to feel understood. Even today, I still reread through it. It has helped me get prospective after losing Clay in October. I know that my babies are in a better place, and in better situations than they ever would've been here. But missing them will never be a thing of the past.

That Was A River

2011-12-20T11:31:00.001-08:00

It used to make me a little sad
When someone's child died
Usually because they were a friend
Or a relative
Usually an older child that had lived a little
Miscarriage wasn't talked about
It wasn't a subject discussed
No one talked about babies dying
Before they were born.
Little has changed over the years
It's still frowned upon to discuss
But why not acknowledge the life lost?
Why not mourn for that child?
Why must we as mothers be silent?
Even if I could,
I don't think I would go back.
My daughter taught me so much,
And so my son continues.
Losing them has opened my eyes
Yes, to a deep abiding pain
Yet, they have given me
A love I never knew was possible
I may not hold my children
I may never completely understand
But I will always be their mother.

The Cord

2011-12-19T20:44:00.001-08:00

We are connected,
My child and I,
By an invisible cord,
Not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord
That connects us till birth
This cord can't be seen
By any on Earth.
This cord does its work
Right from the start
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.
I know that it's there
Though no one can see
This invisible cord
From my child to me.
The strength of this chord
Man couldn't create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.
And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me.
The cord is still there
But no one can see
It pulls at my heart.
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.
I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take away.

Baby Clay

2011-12-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

Dear sweet boy I never knew,
I am at a loss for you...
With you, there was no warning
Until it was too late...
I mourn for you, I long for you...
Mommy wants nothing else
Than to be able to cradle you
Feel you kick, hear your heartbeat...
I just remember looking at
That sonogram screen...
My eyes were glued to it...
There was no movement,
No heartbeat...
Precious little one...
My heart aches...

My Alexa

2011-12-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Sweet baby girl, mig engel pige,
I am at a loss, Still
Here, three years without you
The pain is still here
My empty arms, My empty womb
If only...If only...

I can see those bouncy blonde curls
And hear those tiny feet on the floor
If I am quiet, If I am still...
I can hear it...
I used to run from it, Now I am still

Mama loves you angel,
Always my beautiful daughter.

Children's Footprints

2011-12-18T20:37:00.001-08:00

Some children come into our lives and go quickly,
Some children come into our lives and stay awhile.
All our children come into our lives and leave footprints --
Some oh so small;
Some a little larger;
Some, larger still,
But all have left their footprints on our lives; in our hearts,
And we will never, never be the same.
~Doreen Sexton