True Life - The Real Stay At Home Mother Story

Re-Learning to be a Mom

2011-06-20T23:26:00.000-07:00

So life in its typical fashion decided to throw us some curve balls. One of the reasons why I have not been on here to post is because of all the craziness. However, somewhere in the mix of things I found my grounded point-and had a new look at myself as a mother. Something that I think will happen quite often as I am on this new journey.

This past month or so has been-well to say the least-a whirlwind of different life curve balls. I found myself giving new mommy advice in the same fashion that I winced at when I was pregnant getting it from someone. That was an eye opener. Yes - I fell into the new mommy trap of talking as if I had all the answers and solutions to a new mom-to-be and didn’t realize it until AFTER the conversation was over. Then I found myself very actively giving new mommy judgment in full force to a new mother that was a part of our My Gym group-and let’s just say that I didn’t realize that either until the next time I saw her and then felt really bad.

My Mom came down to visit at which time our apartment decided that it wanted to show that it had water damage and we had to vacate the premises and stay in a hotel for a few days only to realize that we would have to move. So I said good-bye to my Mother and a few days later was moved into a new apartment.

Where am I going with all this??? Well, it was important to note my foot in mouth moments happened prior to the house evacuation. Then there I was alone-in a hotel room with baby and dog. I was unable to leave the dog at the hotel..and well let’s face it-most places don’t really like you bringing toto with you so we stayed in the hotel..the 3 of us. This is where my grounded moment came and I looked at things differently.

If you had been to our house prior to all this madness you would have seen a white erase board. On it were all the activities that we were to try to do with baby Bella in a day. A tracker if you will… to make sure that we were getting enough play time, tummy time, education time and the list goes on and on. With me being stay at home I felt it was important to make sure that she had a well rounded day. Trying to place structure where there really was none and now that I look back at it-I believe maybe even to justify my time at home. With all of my “duties” and the white board staring at me each day I was frantic to make sure that my baby girl was getting everything that she needed.

Then came the hotel room. No whiteboard, no educational time. Just me and the baby. The first day I panicked…really and truly I did. How was she going to get all her play time? I couldn’t put her on the floor of the hotel room..who knows when the last time the carpets were cleaned. So we were truly limited on space and resources. So you know what we did???? We cuddled. I talked and played with her on my lap. All the things we were supposed to do in the day went straight out the window and Bella was just Bella-and I was just me. The world didn’t fall apart, my baby didn’t suffer and I enjoyed being with her..just the two of us. As strange as this may sound-I had forgotten what that was like. I was so wrapped up in all the things I “had to do” that I didn’t realize that the biggest part of the equation was just spending time with her-letting her be the cute little joy that she is.

So we moved into the new place and suddenly the white erase board seemed like the most idiotic idea I had ever had. I haven’t used it since we moved into the new place. I am going to use it for my work stuff now once I get settled. What do Bella and I do now during the day? We play. I do whatever I want when I interact with her and don’t feel a need to make things be a certain way. I used to get so upset that my husband wouldn’t do the same type of interactions with her..he would just hold her or lay next to her as she played. Now, I get it. I don’t get frustrated anymore that he should be giving her more tummy time to try to learn to crawl, or sitting time to build muscles. Whatever he wants to do-well it is just fine by me.

Somewhere in the midst of everything I was turning into all the things I didn’t want to be..with the comments, the judgments and my own behavior at home. How it all started happening I have no idea-but I am thankful that things happened the way that they did. Bella smiles more during the day with me now. She tries to talk more during the day now. I am no longer trying to kill myself with the housework and all the baby duties. If it gets done-then great! However, if things fall to the wayside it isn’t the dirty laundry that didn’t get cleaned that I am going to remember. It is going to be me making silly faces at my baby girl to watch her laugh, or singing to her and seeing her smile. How I lost sight of that I have no idea, but I am glad that I am back to where I want to be now.

Everything happens for a reason…

Pregnant In Heels.....my review

2011-05-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

So it would only be fair that I acknowledge that I have watched every episode of Bravo’s “Pregnant in Heels” series. I had to throw in my two cents on this one. I went into this thinking that it was going to be primarily about Rosie Pope who has her own boutique for maternity clothing whose niche is that you can wear the garments after baby as well.

After the first episode, I wasn’t impressed-but thought that I would give it another shot. Now I purely watch it to complete the season but find myself turned off by the entire thing.

So this is the deal-on top of being a boutique/clothing designer Rosie Pope performs a variety of tasks to help the wealthy mom-to-be of NY with a very broad range of services on anything that they want for a price.

After the first few episodes I found myself frustrated with the majority of the content and unable to identify with any of the clients or Rosie Pope herself. The only time that I have felt some type of connection to her is when she is talking about the process that she is going through trying to get pregnant-but that literally is only like one minute of the half hour show. I would have been interested in seeing that as more the focus and her clients secondary. I would also say that it was a huge let down to see this person as a designer of maternity clothing (which let us face this fact-we just never see those designers anywhere!) not designing clothing! We don’t even get to see her boutique or what/how it is doing unless she is sitting there for 2 seconds asking what the day is going to be like. What a letdown! I didn’t even realize that her clothing was what she was wearing in the show or that the niche was you could wear it AFTER pregnancy until a couple of episodes in when it was lightly mentioned when a client asked her to do a fashion show for charity.

I had thought that the show was going to be more geared towards something like…well…”The Rachel Zoe Project.” I never really got into that show, but when they would show the repeats I watched all of them because I found the fashion interesting. I believed that the meld between fashion and motherhood would be right up my alley since that is where I am right now-attempting to start a clothing line and a new mother! Boy was I wrong.

FRUSTRATING:

· The new mommy quiz she does-it is unrealistic and just bottom line stupid. It is obvious she is only going off of her children and her experience and not taking anything else into consideration-sooooo unrealistic. I can’t think of a worse way to make a new mom feel like a complete failure and the bottom line is it serves no purpose!

· Baby proofing for a newborn-REALLY????? This is just absolutely ridiculous! I know of NO child that comes straight from womb to running around your house the first week. Yet again-just another way for her clients to feel like idiots and it is not necessary.

· Lack of her fashion and boutique in the episodes

· Smack talking-how on earth are you able to see clients after this shows on TV and you have called all of your clients crazy and out of control???? If I had paid for her services and heard her smack talk about me on Bravo after the fact…hmmmm lawsuit???

Anyways, that is just my little voice on the subject. I was largely disappointed and had been excited about this series. I keep holding out that something will change with the show, but I doubt it. If it happens to come back for a next season…I won’t be tuning in. The show has made it impossible to identify with anyone including the main star of the show!

Want to watch the episodes yourself..here is the link http://www.bravotv.com/pregnant-in-heels

The Mommy Blues

2011-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

So I took a break from the posts because I had a lot going on and for lack of better reason just really needed to get organized. I thought a lot about why I started the blog in the first place and what it means to me-and now I am back. The break although small in duration had a lot of things happen on the baby front. We attempted swim classes, started second foods and I can see teeth trying to emerge from my little one’s gum line. Also during this time, my husband is starting his last semester for his Master’s program, he had a gout attack and things with my stuff started to get busy.

With everything going on and the craziness, this week I started off fired up and ready to go. Monday everything was going well, I got some housework done that was long overdue-the endless laundry pile had finally been conquered; I got project lists setup and to-do for the week all ready to go. Then Monday night hit. My husband walked in the door - frantic with work he needed to get done and one of his classes found out that a paper they thought was due Friday was due by midnight. With his group on the East Coast, this left little time and add drama and lack of organization to the mix and we knew it was going to be difficult.

I hit a panic. The call that they do is through a WebEx and with us being in a one bedroom and the living room really being the only place I can play with Isabella-it also serves as our office. I knew that it was going to be high stress trying to keep the dog and baby as quite as possible and even the microwave warming up a bottle is too loud. I felt this deep sorrow that I had no where that I could just take Isabella that was setup for her and without knowing how many hours to be gone and that I had spent my entire energy on the day I suddenly got exhausted and missing my mother.

So I took Isabella to target since I needed to get formula anyway and wandered up and down the isle’s to kill time. She ended up falling asleep-which was a disaster because it was so close to bedtime. We lasted an hour and a half out at the store and then I brought us back. The rest of the night was trying to keep her in the bedroom with story time with the dog and trying to be as quiet as possible. Due to the fact that she slept in target, she didn’t want to go down for bed and by the time it was all said and done I was frustrated with our living space, upset that I didn’t get to go out for a run for some alone time and although I hate to admit this-was frustrated that my husband didn’t have any Isabella time for the day.

When I woke up today, it was stormy and cold outside. I looked around the house and although I have a ton of things to get done I really didn’t end up doing anything that I needed to. When baby Bella went down for her first nap I tried getting out my sewing machine to sew, but ended up turning it off and going and sitting on the couch-TV off, music off and dealing with a bad case of Mommy Blues.

So what are the Mommy Blues about? Why do they creep up on you and take hold? When baby Bella woke back up again we had a great play time together, I felt better and then when she went back down again – same thing. Now this is not an everyday thing. It just happens every once in a while. Luckily I have 2 great friends that I was able to text with today and not feel so alone. Maybe I spend too much of my day with my baby being my entire focus, or maybe I don’t spend enough time with her being my entire focus. Maybe I need to get out of the house more or maybe I do get out of the house enough. With the new job of parent I don’t think that I will ever know the answers to any of this.

I find myself frustrated and annoyed with everything including myself. I know this will pass, but hate that it even happens.

I questioned so many things today, if I needed to be a SAHM, maybe I should focus less on other things and more on my baby. The list goes on and on. Maybe there is something that is even deeper that I don’t acknowledge. OR maybe I am just tired. Who knows????????

Anyways, there really isn’t a point to this post other than how I was feeling today…but maybe that is why my real mother story is and maybe that needs to be shared so that if another mom is feeling the same way…she knows she isn’t alone.

Time for a break

2011-04-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

I wanted you to know that I will be taking a 1-2 week break from blogging. As it turns out-there are some changes that need to be made with both the side business that I need to do and the clothing line that I want to get started. My husband is starting his final semester for his Master's program with school (yeah hubby!) and will need to travel out of town.

I appreciate all of you that have taken the time to read these posts and your wonderful feedback. As I am going through a transitioning phase-I thought that this would be a good time to get a poll together to find out what type of blogs are most useful to you, so that when I come back-I can be ready to go!!!!

Thank you all-and I will talk to you soon-
You can find the poll at the bottom of this post. If you select other-please leave a comment about the type of posts that you like to read from me!! Thanks so much!

Be A SAHM??? - The Series - Quiz!

2011-04-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

So over this series we have covered some really important things to think about when trying to decide if you want to be a SAHM-and if you are a SAHM-what type will you be? Will you be at home with a flex schedule? Work from home? Or will you not work at all and your new job will be entirely your household and raising your little one?

Having a child is such an incredible process that you go through. It amazes me still to this day when I look at Bella Baby and think “I can’t believe that she was growing inside of me-this little person!” Being a mother is an amazing journey-no matter which decision you make on the SAHM front-you have made the biggest decision of all-and that is to be a mother that is providing for the welfare of her child!

So after reading through the series are you still on the fence with your decision? Or do you already know what you want to do? Remember-nothing is ever set in stone and it may take some time for you to figure out what your new role is. This is totally normal for you to have your good and bad days-and indecisiveness. Remember, as long as you are doing what is best for YOUR family-that is all that matters!!!! Don’t let anyone ever tell you any differently!

So I thought that I would post a few links to quizzes on if you think you should be a SAHM. I hope that you all enjoyed reading the series! It took a little longer than what I would have liked to get done-but I am excited that I have some new content coming to the site soon!

Quiz from Just for Mom

This is my outcome on the quiz:

46% You are Stay-at-Home Ready

38% Weigh Your Options

15% Back to Work is Your Best Bet

53% of users are like you

Quiz from Parents.com

This particular quiz from parents.com scored that I should consider part time work.

I hope you have fun with the quizzes!

Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Relationship Factors

2011-04-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

So regardless of if you do decide to stay at home-in either decision the relationship with your partner will change! This can be for better or for worse. There is no doubt that adding a new little one to your home will not only change some of your views on life-but also in your marriage.

Look at your situation now. Are you and your spouse able to spend good quality time with each other in a way that meets both of your needs? If you do not have this healthy area now-then it is going to be even more difficult for you to build this in a healthy capacity after your new baby arrives.

Although the rewards for staying at home are great, it can also lead to the fast track of marriage issues. After working with your new one all day with crying, spit up, diaper changes, hair pulling, etc. The last thing you may want is someone ELSE pawing all over you. In fact, your need for alone time may increase from what it was before because being at home all day is so intense. Your new bundle of joy is now the center of your world and without paying attention-you can easily put your spouse at the very bottom rung of your to do list. However a relationship has many different areas that need to be nurtured and trying to find yourself accessible for intimate time with your spouse will be something that may have to be worked on now. This could be a new area for you and your spouse to be in-and if you aren’t careful-hurt feelings along with stress will cause a divide between the two of you.

Resentment can also find its way quickly into the relationship. You could find yourself wishing it was a role reversal-he stay at home all day and you go work and fill his shoes. The fact that he gets to constantly interact with people, able to carry discussions OTHER than about baby and have the alone drive time to and from work-can at times be exactly what you need. The fact that he does it every day can quickly have you re-thinking what you are doing and if it is really in your best interest to be home. As your husband talks about an achievement that he has made with his job-you may find yourself instantly thinking to yourself that just because there isn’t a reward for you cleaning up the carpets after a food dump on the floor, or emptying the diaper genie so the house doesn’t smell-that what you do is just as important. It has the potential to build up and having a barrier between you and your spouse. Even if your spouse doesn’t say or express anything that would lead you to believe that he thinks that you just sit around all day-once you are feeling like you need to justify what you are doing-you may need to switch course.

I remember after we brought the baby home-I would instantly get charged up and angry over the smallest things. A big part of that was hormones-but the other part was I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just trying to figure out to the best of my ability as I went along. The fact that he would ask me countless questions on how to do things when I was exhausted and really just needed him to DO IT ALREADY! Caused me to find myself really angry. I know that I blew up numerous times or would get into the silent mad (don’t talk to me right now because I think you’re an idiot mode). I had to REMIND myself that he was new at this too and the bonding for him didn’t start until AFTER the baby arrived.

Communication is going to be the biggest item. This is already important enough, but the need for good communication is going to be crucial now. As I mentioned in the posting about finances-keeping my hubby informed at all times of our bottom line is an expectation and he needs to know where things are at. It can’t just be “it’s fine” it needs to be a discussion. If you had a rough day with baby, give him a heads up BEFORE he gets home that you need a little relief. He may expect you to get certain things done during the day and won’t understand why they weren’t done-or why dinner wasn’t ready. If you guys can talk about this it will make for better chances of a fight not happening. You need to be ready for that while you are at home and your baby does a milestone and you quickly dial your hubby-that he just may not be available or may not sound very excited. It doesn’t mean that he isn’t just as excited as you are-it just means he is with a client or doing something that he can’t pull his attention away from at that particular moment. It can be easy to immediately get fired up and it is going to be up to you to understand that he does care-he is just trying to bring home the money!

I have to also add into this post family members. Your family and your husband’s family are all going to have view points on how you should be raising your child. Make no mistake about it. The new mom is going to suck all of this up and feel pressured. There could be resentment from your husband to your family or you to his. TALK about this. Everyone feels like they need to speak for your child since they can’t speak for themselves. You are now officially a family of your own. Boundaries need to be set when it comes to family members and you both need to agree to this. If you don’t-it will put one or both of you in a situation where the old resentment word comes back up.

So the long and short on this post is that when deciding if you should stay at home or not-take a good look at the relationship that you have now with your partner. The two of you should sit down and talk about expectations, etc and have a good understanding of what your new roles will be.

Some things that we have done that have really helped in us adjusting to me staying at home is this:

We have a movie night every Friday night once Baby Bella turned 4 months old. It is a way for us to reconnect and we look forward to that little bit of time just the two of us.

My husband calls me on his way home and I take this time to let him know if it has been “one of those days”. This way he knows that when he gets home I am going to need a little ME time by either taking a walk or going to the store to get something on the to do list. As soon as he hits the door he takes over for a little bit to help me out and let me get a re-charge.

I keep a play list of things to do with the baby so he can easily see what we have or have not done that day and can find an item that he wants to do – without needing to ask me. I also keep a food chart so that he knows where she is on the food schedule and he can just feed her without questions.

We keep a list of things that is going on that week. Since my husband has evening school that he does I let him know in advance if I need to work on a blog posting, sewing, shop needs so that we can alternate nights to make sure that everything gets done when it needs to.

We talk about important items when she goes to sleep. This way we are not interrupted in our discussion and have some time to really dig on the issues that we need to and make whatever decisions we need to.

Remember a healthy home is the most important thing for your child. Which means you need a healthy relationship with your spouse. Will you have a better relationship if you work than stay at home? Or will it be better if you stay at home and don't work? Only the two of you will have the answer to this.

If you missed the previous posts from this series you can check them out below:

Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Is it a choice?
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - Guilt by association
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Financials
Be a SAHM??? - The Series - The Everyday

Be a SAHM???-The Series - The Everyday

2011-04-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

So here is the next part in the evaluation process of being a SAHM. I hope you are enjoying the series so far and finding the information useful when making your decision.

If you like repetitive things that you do over and over again-well then you are in luck! Having your full time work now at home you will find repetition is now a big portion of your new duties as a SAHM. Since I am a new SAHM with a baby that is now 5 months old I have determined that my duties changed at around the 3 month mark.

The first 3 months are really your child eating and sleeping with a million diaper changes in between. You will literally not have extended periods of sleep. The first month was centered around trying to adjust to our child’s schedule as she started the huge process of development. During this time you really just sleep when you can and the rest of the time goes to the attention of your little one. A lot of things tend to go by the wayside during this time. Exhaustion makes you less likely to cook your meals, have quality time with your spouse, focus on projects that you are working on and housework is when you have two seconds. There is not really a lot of downtime during this period because you are enjoying your new little one and freaking out about if your child is meeting requirements for weight/health/feeding/number of diapers, etc. Oh and that age old advice of sleep when they sleep—well that didn’t work for me. In fact, I don’t know if I have actually met anyone that used that advice.

After the first three months though, things began to change for us. Feedings became fewer but higher in amount per feeding. Sleeping became longer with naps starting to take place-and for the lucky-your baby could start sleeping through the night, or only needing 1 feeding during the night. Every child is different. Some parents that I have met with 6 month old children still do not sleep all the way through the night or don’t take naps during the day. The combinations are endless and the only one that can dictate it is your baby. Trying to enforce scheduling with your child will be just about impossible and once a routine is kind of present-it will change. So don’t get too comfortable when things seem to have been figured out!

The first sign of routine

So now my job duties have changed. After we made the move and my husband started his new job-well it finally hit at the 4 month mark that this was my new full time responsibility. With Baby Bella sleeping for naps, I tried to keep my days filled-but found a lot of time with nothing to do. The way that my house worked prior to now and after the 3 month mark was this-

I woke up with her. Then it was change diaper, feeding and then she went down for alone playtime on her jungle gym play mat. While she played this was my time to vacuum the carpets, clean the kitchen, start the laundry and then clean the bathroom. Now that may sound like a lot-but it isn’t when you are doing this a couple of times a day-everyday. So this time went by quick-like ½ hour to 45 minutes.

Then it was time to change her diaper-and bath time. I do bath time in the morning-not evening-personal preference. Once bath time was done and she was lotion up, ears cleaned and new clothes for the day-then it was feeding time again. Once feeding time was done-she went down for a nap.

During her first nap time was when I got to take a shower, take the dog outside, continue laundry, and pick up anything that I could/clean what I could until she woke up.

This process pretty much continues with the same outcome only adding story time, walks (sometime’s 2 a day to get out of the house), interactive play time with me. Lunch time for me is eating and prepping dinner. You do this until it is time for your little one to go to bed.

In the start there are only so many things that you can do-and it can leave you ready to scream because you want interaction from people, something different to talk about when your spouse gets home, etc. The older they get, the more you can add to the day filling it up with things other than the everyday hum of your new job.

However, now you have certain expectations from your spouse-and the two of you should talk about this. My husband does the grocery shopping (from a list that I prepare), takes out the trash, gets the dog to the groomer and makes sure that the cars are up to date on oil changes, etc.

I am responsible for the following (outside of raising our child):

House inventory for food, personal care items, baby needs-creating lists for him for items to pick up
Financials-I keep on track with this, pay bills, set forecast and send him updates via email
· Majority of house keeping-laundry, floors, dishes, etc, etc
· Calendar of events-keeping him posted on our schedule and his
· Doctors appointments-he comes when he can, but I am responsible for scheduling these and getting her there
· Product research-for items we need for baby-so that we can make decisions together
· Meals
· Home organization

So for the house itself-that would be me. As wonderful as it is to be able to be at home with my little one, doing laundry all day every day makes me feel like my head is in its own spin cycle. I hate doing laundry and dishes. I have never liked them and before we would share this task-but now we don’t.

Our now

So now we are doing about 2 naps a day each ranging from a ½ hour to 2 hours per nap and she sleeps during the night. However play time is very different for her. We had to take apart her play gym because it had become a safety issue and now she wants to either stand up or sit-both requiring hands on time for her safety. We have incorporated an outside activity which is “My-Gym” for her which she loves and we are about to sign her up for a 20 minute swim class that she will go to once a week. We have more reading time/educational time together now-which makes for a more interesting play time session for me! We also try to get out for a play date. This is all great to help break things up-but it also takes away from the everyday things that have to get done. I am finding myself with little time during the day to get everything done and try to spend quality time with my husband. I am always waiting until after 10-which is when my husband goes to bed and the baby is asleep-so that I can celebrate the silence. This is the time that I get to draft my blogs, read a book, watch a recorded show, etc.

However-I will say that at least once a week I have an overwhelming need to scream and get away from it all. The crying, house, dog-and yes-my husband. You will find that you are now a reactionary-aiding the needs of your child-and your husband and have little time for yourself to clear your head. Due to the fact that I needed to have something else to do other than what I was doing, I have continued to work with my mom building her web presence, book-keeping and appointments. I also started this blog which also takes some planning and time to maintain. Add to the mix items that I am sewing to sell-well my cup is officially FULL!

Mental Insanity

I find it hard for me now to carry conversations that have to do with things other than motherhood. I mean really at this stage in the game-you wait for milestones, but how many diapers you changed today is not really a topic that people want to talk about! I talk to myself a lot. I do talk to Baby Bella, but since it is a one way discussion-I am truly having a full conversation in my own voice out of my own head. Her toys that make music/sound get stuck in my head-and I am sorry but it can be really annoying for my hubby to hear me singing “Feel the salsa rhythm, from your head to your toes, dance to the beat-of the bongo!” so many times before he is telling me that I am insane and I need to get out of the house. There are days when I feel like I can’t do the laundry one more time, can’t unload the dishwasher one more time, wash one more bottle before I am going to go insane. After an exhausting day of being spit up on, diaper changes, crying, etc it can be difficult to be the bouncy happy housewife for my husband. Some days I long for the chaos of the job that I had prior and then feel guilty for feeling that way. Staying at home can take a toll on you-and your marriage if you aren’t careful!

The Reward

If you are a type of person that needs to be able to measure your success or something that lets you know that what you are doing is great for you and your family. Being a SAHM may not be a good idea. There is no one that is going to say “you did a GREAT job keeping the diaper genie empty today!” or “The play time that you had with Baby Bella was incredible!” In fact-just being a parent in general doesn’t have anything that lets you know you are doing a good job. You can do so many things-but the true fact is that your child is going to develop the way that they are programmed to. You can expose your child to things and try teaching them new things-but the ability to grasp that knowledge is all determined by your little one. There isn’t a bonus that you get at the end of the year for being a SAHM that you get because you kept the house clean and the household running. You have to be willing to do your SAHM job without recognition and be happy with that.

Now on the flip side, there is a high reward of being a SAHM that you get. It is knowing that you are running the house 100% making sure that everything runs smoothly. Being able to be the primary person interacting with your child, having those special times during the day for just the two of you. I get to watch her everyday grow as a little person and be amazed by her. I can’t express how much it means to me that I get this special time with her now-because it goes by so quickly.

Your thoughts

So knowing your personality-what do you think is the best option for you? I cannot stress that dependant on your family it may make for a happier baby and husband if you work. On the flip side-it can be just the opposite. You may be so unhappy that you are not at home that it could put stress on your baby and your husband. This decision can only be made by you and your spouse-but since you are the one that will be the one at home-ultimately you need to be happy with the decision that you make. Remember-you can always go back to work-or plan so that you can stay at home! Your baby is not going to remember the first couple of years of life. You will though-so you need to be happy with the choices that you make.

I know that a lot of what I posted could be looked at in a negative way. I do get tired of being home all the time. I am constantly looking for ways to flip my days into something else.

HOWEVER-I am happy with our decision for me to stay at home. I am enjoying this time with my little one-and it is time that I will never get back. This is the time when your baby looks at you and smiles and likes your interaction. When Baby Bella hits middle school and high school-well it will be a different story. I enjoy seeing her all day and trying to help her learn new skills and being captivated by the smallest of things as she tries to figure out what everything is. When she smiles-it lights up my world and if I was at work-I know that I would miss her too much at this age to be able to function properly in my role at a job.

Here are the previous posts from the series:

Be A SAHM??? - Is it a choice?

Be A SAHM??? - Guilt By Association

Be A SAHM??? - The Financials

Be a SAHM???-The Series - The Financials

2011-04-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

I had wanted to post this sooner, but things have been busy! Sorry for the delay and thank you for being patient!

So this post is about the financials of being a stay at home mom. I thought that I would start this post with a real world scenario which is my own. This is what we looked at when trying to make the decision if I should stay at home.

My story

So financially things were really grim for us. We had made a cross country move without jobs lined up and without a buffer. The economy had tanked and our two houses that we owned were now being short sold. The first house closed on its short sale not too long after we moved, but other house wouldn’t close until the following year. We had maxed out our credit cards to survive and to make the move and our resources were tapped. We stayed for a little bit at my parents house and then decided to do something that we had been avoiding-pull from our retirement savings so we could survive. The pregnancy was unexpected-but welcomed. However, financially we had no idea how we were going to make things work. How do you budget for a baby?

We made some tough decisions. I decided not to go back into the Information Technology field-where I was making just under $90,000 a year. Prior to the move cross country and the short sale adventure our combined income was right around $200,000.00 a year. However with a number of layoffs for my husband we quickly found that our lifestyle was taking a dramatic hit and found ourselves looking around wondering where all the money went. I decided that I had a once in a lifetime chance to go into business with my Mom and my husband quickly got a job, but at this point we couldn’t really pay any bills. Larger salaries just meant larger bills for us. Now, with just a fraction of what we were making before our bills suddenly became a dark cloud of never getting out of the hole! So…this is where the dip into our retirement savings happened. We got an apartment and were not able to make ends meet with our paychecks, so we slowly watched as we drained years of savings.

I remember crying and being so upset that I knew that I was going to have to go back to work, because we weren’t surviving. Even after cutting our lifestyle and living frugal-it just wasn’t working. First and foremost I knew that when this baby arrived, what we wanted no longer mattered-it was what we needed to do to make sure that our baby had everything that she needed. We decided at this time that we should add an expense as an investment in our future and my husband started his master’s program with school. So now we had all of our debt and we were adding, but we banked on the fact that this additional schooling would allow my husband at some point to be able to supplement our income and would put us in a good spot for me to be able to stay at home.

We ended up with a lucky break. My husband got a job offer back in the place that we had moved from. It was more salary with a good size commission that came with it. That is when we sat down to do the math. We found that although we would need to continue to live tight with our money, it looked like it had the potential to make it so that I could stay at home. So we made one final draw from our retirement savings and took a gamble.

Now, at this point we really had nothing else to pull from the retirement savings. We were now in a place where if we could not make it financially-then I had no choice-I would have to go back to work.

So our choice as a SAHM for me really came over a long process, many discussions and a lot of math! So, if you are thinking of no longer getting a paycheck and want to be a SAHM-then you and your partner have some heavy discussions before you. Here are the items that came up for us in our discussion-

What do we do if one paycheck doesn’t work anymore?

You should always have a plan of action for this. We came up with scenarios for me working full time and part time, if I would need to get back into the IT field or if any job would work. We knew that as soon as we couldn’t make it on one income-we would both have to work-period.

What about financial goals?

There were a lot of points that were important to us. I am going to list them here and then go in depth with them in other posts. These were financial goals that we felt we needed to do regardless how much money was coming in. If we couldn’t meet these goals-then we would need both paychecks.

· Savings fund for college for our baby
· Pay off all of our credit card debt
· Decrease our debt to income number which would also include paying off our vehicles
· Pay back the money that we took from the retirement account
· Buy another house

So these were the heavy hitters for the financial goals.

· 4-6 months of savings that would cover all of our bills in the event that my husband lost his job
· Have a savings account for our baby that wasn’t her college savings for high ticket items that we needed for her

Being dependant on your spouse

If you are a SAHM then you are relying on financial means from somewhere other than you. This should not be overlooked. When you are considering to stay at home this is a lot deeper than just relying on someone else to bring home a paycheck. You need to know how strong your marriage is! It is no easy task for anyone to be the bread winner. It can cause strain on the relationship even more than the arrival of your little one. Having a child is very rewarding and to me the most wonderful thing in the world-but now this heavy responsibility can weigh heavily on your relationship with your spouse. If you are not able to get comfortable with your spending being monitored, the questioning of purchases, etc-well then maybe you don’t need to be a SAHM. Many feel that being dependant on your partner is taking a step back in time and that you should be able to stand on your own in case you end up in divorce. I think that is a little extreme in the cynical department, but that is also because for me divorce would not be an option unless me or my child were in physical or emotional danger. If divorce for you would be something that is an option should things go south-well then again-maybe you should keep your income coming in.

The little things add up

Being a SAHM also means some additional expenses for your household. For instance-your utilities are going to increase. With you being at home and the amount of laundry in general that everyone has to do with a new child, expect electric, gas and laundry costs to go up. Do you plan on enrolling in classes/activities with your child? If so, look up and see what the age and costs for are in your area. This will give you a good idea of how much extra you would need to have each month.

Price out baby needs so you can get a good idea of how much your new shopping trips are going to be.

The professionals

The best advice that I can give financially-is to talk to the professionals. Know your goals and concerns and then seek out the people that are best equipped to help you make sure those things happen.

Tax Professional- seek out and find out how your taxes will change with you going down to zero income and the addition of a family member. We are in southern California and we use Szabatura & Co.

Real Estate – find out what is going on with the housing market and new things that are coming down the pike for home loans and options. Talk to your banker about what you need to do financially to qualify and find a good real estate agent that you can trust. We use Kathy Scruton as our agent and have for years. She is really great and has a great blog that you can get to that talks about the market and guidelines that you can visit here.

Health Insurance – Find out what all is covered and what you will need to pay for out of pocket. Bella Baby is 5 months old and we are still getting bills from the delivery. We found out the hard way that for our coverage-she couldn’t meet a deductible prior to birth because of no social security number-so we had to pay for all of her expenses out of pocket. Just to give you an idea-the hospital charged her for a room and meals that was identical to mine. It didn’t matter that she was in a plastic tub and was breast fed. This didn’t include the in house physician checking on her and immunizations. Find out if well visits are covered by your provider as well.

Financial Counselor -talk to an advisor about your savings goals. This can be everything from a savings account, buffer, investments, etc. They will let you know what you need to be able to put away and how much you should be saving a year with different options to put your money where it really counts. We used USAA since I am former military.

Insurance-Find out how much it will cost for a life insurance policy that will benefit your little one and what the cost of that is for each month. If you didn’t have this before-you will want to get it now to make sure your baby is covered in the case of something happening to you, your spouse or both. A grim thought I know, but this is important.

Legal Fees- Once your little one arrives you are going to want to put a will together and make sure that everything is set in the case that you or your partner are gone. I cannot stress how important this is!

Weigh the options!

Figure out what is important to you in your heart and then find out how to make it work on paper! Call in your area to find out how much daycare would cost for part time support and full time support. Take a heavy look at your financial statements-what could you cut to make everything work? Write down what your families goals are financially for your little one. Is it more important for you to work and make those financial goals happen sooner rather than later? Do you want to not have to be as stressed financially because you are bringing in a second income-or is the stress worth it to you because you feel that staying at home is the best answer for your family? My best advice is to sit down and come up with different scenarios, have many discussions with your spouse about this-and then together make the decision.

Ask around…

Find people that are both working and being a SAHM and find out financially how things work for them. You don’t need to get into salary for this discussion-but things that they do to make sure that they are a balanced family. Remember no two situations are the same! Take the things that might work for you and your family and go from there.

Tools:

Find out your debt to income ratio-don't know how? Use this resource

Check out this article from CNBC on money tips for the stay at home mom

Baby Center has a child expense calculator to help you find your yearly cost with your new little one

Check to see if you qualify for the state funded WIC program here

If you missed the earlier posts to this series you can check them out with the links below. The next posting will be “The Everyday”

Be a SAHM???-The Series-Is it a choice?
Be A SAHM???-The Series - Guilt By Association

Be a SAHM???-The Series - Guilt by association

2011-04-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Alright, so you might be wondering what this second set to the series is-Guilt By Association. If you didn’t get to read the first post of this series-you can check it out “here”. The point of the series is to go through all of the options that one might think of when trying to decide to be a stay at home mom and if it is right for you. It is also for things that you might encounter as a stay at home mother.

Damned if I do-damned if I don’t

So you are faced with this new choice of how to live your life and adjust your lifestyle. You spend a good bit of time trying to find out what is best for your family and you make a decision. Now, I am going to call this a short term decision that you have made. Why? Well, your circumstances could change, your perspective could change, etc. So for the start of this new journey you are one with little one in tote you have decided one of three things-

· I am going to be a stay at home mom-not bringing any money into my household and relying on my partner for financial support

· I am going to do work from home or work in a flex schedule job that could require some daycare, but not full time daycare services (this could also fit into someone with a part time job)

· I am going to work full time and rely on a daycare service full time

So now that you have made the choice-do you think it ends there? It doesn’t. You are in for a roller coaster of emotions and this is just the start. Now keep in mind if you are a new mother it can feel like you have a lot of pressure to decide and decide quickly. My suggestion is don’t keep your option in a box. You can always change to one of the other options at another time when it fits your family and lifestyle.

For the previously employed now staying at home not supplementing income-yes you get front row seats to your child every day, monitoring and seeing the rapid progress that your little one makes. However, if you think that because you are a stay at home mother that this will allow you not to miss special moments, well that just isn’t true. For example, the first time that Isabella rolled from back to tummy-I was in the bathroom! It isn’t as if you are NEVER apart from your little one. Any time that you are not with your child-could be the time that they do something that you wish you were there for. The realization of this can make the SAHM feel like she needs to contribute to the finances. When you are looking at the bank account slowly drain away, there is a guilt associated with not bringing home the extra money to make things easier. This guilt can be troublesome and cause strain on the relationship with your partner. Think that you won’t have the “financial guilt?”, well that isn’t the only guilt to be worried about. There will be times were you feel guilty because you are bored with your drone of day to day, guilt that you want to run away for a day, guilt that you should be doing more, etc, etc, etc.

For the second on the list of part time, work from home, flex schedule-that comes with a different flavor of the guilt. You are providing financially to the family, but you could feel like you could still contribute MORE. Then you have the leaving your child with someone else-what did you miss that day? You wish you could have spent the day with your little one, instead of dealing with idiots at work. You may need this additional income for your family situation and feel guilty because you are not staying at home. You may feel guilty because you are tired when you get home and don’t have that extra burst of energy that you feel you need. You may feel guilty about needing a certain amount of time at home to work and you get frustrated with your child because they are too little to understand.

For the full time working mother, I wouldn’t think that the guilt would be associated with bringing home money, but more about the fact that they are not staying home with their little one, or the guilt associated with the fact that they love their job. I can't really talk too much about this because, well I don't work full time. If you are a full time working mommy-please share how you feel when the guilt comes and what triggers it!

Anyway you look at it, mother’s are faced with a guilt that just comes with the territory. You may find that it is not beneficial to your child or your spouse for you to stay at home. Yes it can strain the relationship and your mental well-being and you may not know this until you try to be a stay at home mom. On the flip side you may realize that no matter what the sacrifice-you need to be at home.

Here is a funny little post about SAHGS (stay at home mom guiltsyndrome).

As a stay at home you will be grouped into some categories. Here are a few to say the least-if you have any other terms, please share it in the comments section of the blog!

Domestic Diva-“A housewife who is beautiful and fabulous but hard-working. Making a fashion statement while doing housework is must! She's usually multi-tasking by taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, mopping, etc. while wearing her cute lil aprons and high-heeled shoes. It's all about looking good while doing it!” –from Urbandictionary.com

Domestic Engineer-term for a housewife or stay at home parent-men included!

Granola mom- most generalized as the stay at home mother that home births, home schools, breastfeeding with child-led weaning at 3-4 years of age, uses a baby sling, ant-vaccination, organic food/clothing.

Soccer mom – middleclass suburban mother that is seen going to non-stop activities for “little angels”

Many women want to stray from any of these terms and are looked at in a negative way, however for other mom’s they are proud of their label. What are your thoughts?

Know the acryonyms:

SAHM: (Stay at home mother)

WOHM: (work out of home mother)

Be a SAHM???-The Series - Is it a choice?

2011-04-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

For some reason when you begin to talk about being a stay at home mother or women that stay at home a whole slew of comments and articles bombard us on this subject. It is almost like stay at home mom is a dirty word these days and you can find some pretty heated discussions whenever the subject is brought up. First things first-can we all agree that if you have a child-through your own blood, adoption, foster care,etc and you have decided that you are going to support that child/children financially, emotionally and legally-that you are a Mother? If we can all agree on that, then we should also agree that regardless of the fact that you earn a paycheck through a company, are a business owner, etc and are not staying at home everyday all day with your child OR if you don't earn those outside wages and do stay at home- that neither scenario means that you have less duties or responsibilities as a Mother? You would think that this simple way of looking at things would give a resounding "yes!" -but as it turns out-it isn't that simple.

For some unknown reason instead of us uniting as mothers the house is VERY divided. So it is of no surprise to me that when a woman is confronted with a decision to make -that it can be not only overwhelming but also an immense amount of guilt could also be placed on the individual.

BEFORE women were given the opportunity to find the same success as the men-staying at home wasn't a dirty word. It was something that you did for the well fare of your family, and was a role that you took on when you took on marriage. But remember the culture back then-divorce was a dirty word. Men had an extreme expectation to be able to provide for the family and it was also the time when a handshake meant we were in business. In today's world of lawsuits, starter houses, starter marriages, highly competitive job fields with high turnover and the need for instant gratification-well things have changed. So now women are faced with new obstacles. First above all is- do we even have children? Many women these days have decided that they enjoy being able to do what they want-when they want-without the responsibilities of a husband-let alone a child. Women have educated themselves and sought after ambitious careers. Then you have a new independence that women have acquired through hard work-and the "never want to have to depend on a man-I can take care of myself" mentality that I can pretty much say I have heard a ton of women say.

We now live in a world with a high rate of single parents, divorce schedules, and an economy that makes it almost impossible to survive on one income. So for some women-the choice is already made for them, so really there is no choice. For the women that have had this option taken away from them-it can be frustrating to see both sides of stay at home battle go into full force-because for the women that could make the choice-well that was something that wasn't an option for them. We all know that once your options are taken and you have to do what you need to do, without being able to make the choices you want, or at least have them as options-well in simplest terms-it sucks.

So let’s assume for this posting that you do have the choice. You get to decide if you want to stay at home or not. Well, it isn’t even really that simple.

The New Breed

picture from learnvest

There are a whole need breed of SAHM’s now. With jobs being moved from the work site to home, some women have new options. This woman works her job from her home and also takes care of her little one/ones, giving her the opportunity to not only contribute financially, but also have the gratification of caring for her children’s need on a daily basis. Then what about the flex schedule jobs. This can make sure that when you need to-you can also go to Mommy and Me classes during the day, attend doctor appointments, have play dates, meet with school advisers-just like the work at home mom or stay at home mom. Then you have the mothers that don’t do anything to supplement the income and only focus on running the household and relying on someone else to provide the financial means to the house. For the mothers that don’t stay at home at all through either working from home, flex schedule, etc and these mom’s can be the breadwinners for the household, or contributing enough for the family to survive financially, or truly love their jobs/careers and don’t want to let go of what they have worked for.

So which place do you fit into? We all want what is best for our children, so how do we know what that is? What is the best choice and how do we go about making it? This decision is a difficult one these days. Feminist can view this title of stay at home mother as a step back into the dark ages working AGAINST everything that women have worked so hard for-the right to vote, earn wages, etc. In fact, a common misconception for this group is that if you are staying at home not only have you turned back the clock to the 1950’s wife robot, but you are not an active participant in society and have chosen to be lazy all day. Here is my question to the feminist group-Wasn’t the point to be able to have a CHOICE? Shouldn’t we be celebrating the fact that women have options and not putting them into a box based on their decision for what is best for their family? Then you have the radical group of SAHM’s that believe if you are not staying at home with your child you have just committed a sin. YOU should be there for your child, YOU should do this, and YOU should do that’s. Again, the extreme side casts a dark shadow on the mommies that work and says to them, you obviously don’t CARE enough or you would stay at home. So my question to THOSE women is this-have you ever walked a day in my shoes? Good for you on what you are doing, but don’t judge me on what I am doing!

On another quick note-don't let the 1950's housewife picture in your head be fuzzied by the fact that they too did things to supplement income. Remember that the tupperware parties was during this time and started a boom of women selling products through their homes!

You can see my earlier little rant on this subject after reviewing the book “The Stay At Home Survival Guide” here at the“stay-at-home-survival-guide-review”. In looking at this topic I found another post on “http://www.momversation.com/articles/being-working-mom-harder-being-stay-home-mom” that for that particular article I really agree-your home environment needs to be a happy one. Who is anyone to judge your decisions or lifestyle?

What about me?

Personally-I say that I am a SAHM. However, I don’t feel like I fit into a traditional role. I do have things that I do from home to supplement income-but I don’t feel that you can put my situation into a box and have it define every one's situation, that does something similar to mine.

What about you?

So what is your take? Do you fit into a SAHM category, or is your situation unique to what has been posted here? What experiences have you had based on what you are doing in your role with your family? Have you had any judgments passed by looks and/or comments about your situation?

Be a SAHM???-The Series

2011-04-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

Alright everyone so my blog is going to have it's first ever "Series" being published on the blog. For the articles that one posting just can't cover, you will see series through out this little blogs life.

The first one is (drum roll please!) -"Be a stay at home mom?"

The series is going to cover a range of topics that include the following blog posts:

This will give you an inside look at my thoughts on the stay at home mother- as well as personal opinions and thoughts on the different subjects. The rest of this month you will see the series posts as well as some product reviews, a mommy tool that I have been using and yes-finally a video blog! So I am excited about what all will be posted.

PLEASE feel free to put your two cents on posts that you have something to say! I will not be removing any comments from the blog-because we all have our own thoughts and are entitled to them!!!!

The Upgrade -Baby Style!

2011-04-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, if you didn’t know-you will soon find out with your little one that “upgrades” are frequent and can be quite expensive. In technology you see upgrades all the time-purchases for phones, computers, tablets and other gadgets and gizmos. You prepare and do research on these big ticket items and acknowledge it as the technology rush of must haves and make decisions accordingly.

Believe it or not-your little one gets many upgrades and the money flow can be as much as you want to put into it. Let’s just start with the basics here-bottles. Okay, so you may pick out the brand that you want after tons of research, reviews, etc-but when your little one comes along-they just may not agree with your purchase. I know that the doctor’s kept telling me to get the “Dr. Brown” bottle sets. I took one look at them and ran. I am sure they work great, but they are expensive, not easy to clean and the formula cannot be mixed in the bottle-you have to do that in something else. They even have a formula mixer that you can buy. I feel very lucky that we didn’t have bottle changes that we needed to make and our NUK widemouth bottles worked great for her. But even the bottles get upgrades. After 3 months you are supposed to change out the nipples and it might be that you don’t need the slow ones anymore at that point, but the medium flow. Then you have the fast flow for 6+ months. Then you need to upgrade your little bottles to the big bottle size. By the time it is all said and done you will have x sets of small bottles with slow flow, then you upgrade the nipples to medium flow, then you upgrade the bottle size and nipple size to fast flow-and then guess what? It is time to start the sippy cup!

Diapers are another fast upgrade-and the higher the size, the higher the cost of diaper! We started with Newborn size and have upgraded to now using size 3 and she is 5 months old. That doesn’t even count the cloths. We were quickly out of the newborn size and now she just upgraded again into 9 month size clothing. Buying cloths is a cute job-but when you have to do it as often as you do, it really just becomes added to the pool of baby expenses that you need to count for.

Then the big ticket items-car seats are always changing with safety requirements/weight , rear facing/front facing. The change from crib to toddler bed as your little one progresses in age. I mean literally the list goes on and on.

Then there are the toys! Okay, so by the time she was 2 months we started buying toys for her and we are now in our second upgrade of toys. Let me tell you if you were not handy with a screwdriver pre-baby, you will be a pro in no time. Don’t forget to stock up on batteries too! As your baby gets older the toys get bigger and you guessed it-more expensive. As all this is happening-you will notice your living space quickly dwindling and it can have the possibility of looking more like a glorified playhouse as opposed to a home!

We are quickly on track to an every 3 month upgrade. I have said many times that I don’t understand how to budget for a baby, but it is something that I am working on. This little blog comes from the fact that this week I had to upgrade both Bella Baby’s closet and toys. Something that financially I hadn’t been ready for. It seemed like last week her clothes were a little snug, but working-but this week hit a whole new level of not fitting. So what are you to do? Then after seeing her interact with bigger toys and coming home I watched as our baby looked at her toys and looked at me-almost saying “Mommy-these are baby toys.” I want to make sure that she has the proper tools to stimulate her senses and be able to learn mobile skills and develop. I didn’t buy a ton of toys, but toys are expensive-just like with everything else.

So I am hoping that maybe this little “upgrade” will be longer than 3 months, but not counting on it. This little post doesn’t even really scratch the surface. At times I can feel like my heading is spinning and wondering when it ends…with the realization that it doesn’t. Everything just seems to get bigger and more expensive the more I think about. As I look around our little 1 bedroom apartment, I can see us outgrowing our space and trying to figure out how to make it all work. We do have 1 open and steadfast rule and that is when she outgrows something-donate or re-sale it. I think you almost have to do this with most items. What happens when we have child number 2? Well, we have thought about it-and this is our current plan. Crib-keep it. Rocker/glider-keep it, but anything she didn’t like/use we are tossing. For example her swing-she hated it and we never really used it so we are not keeping it and donated it to someone in Maryland that could use it. Her rocker that we used prior to crib-that thing was a life saver and we even used it recently when she got sick-that thing packs away and is a keeper as well. Clothes-those we are not saving. What if we don’t have another girl? Everything that we get Baby Bella on the clothes front are items that we think she would look cute in, and we are going to want things for baby number 2 that are particular to her. Baby toys? Well, if it is gender neutral and something that was a great benefit-keep otherwise they get put in the donate/re-sale place as well. Books are a for sure keeper. So we have a plan, kind of. Right now we have a container for her toys, if it doesn’t fit in that-well then we have too many!

Here is the list of items that we got for her recently if you want to check them out!

LeapFrog Learn and Groove Color Play Drum

Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Musical Activity Walker

Fisher-Price Brilliant Basics Baby's First Blocks

Fisher-Price Rock-A-Stack

Infantino Activity Toy Set Trio

Bright Starts Grab and Stack Blocks

Circo® Wooden Bead Maze

The do's/dont's and how to guide for solid feedings

2011-04-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

Solid feeding to me wasn’t going to be a mystery or something that needed to be figured out-but I was of course wrong. Then when trying to find out key answers to questions that I had-the spectrum just like with everything else was broad. So now that we are a month in to solid feedings-I though what better way to relay the information that I went through to others that might have those same questions or to get feedback from veteran mommies on the solid food front. So here is my post on the do’s, the don’ts and the organization of solid food feeding.

Is your baby ready for solid feedings?

I was anxious to get the solid food feeding started when Baby Bella turned four months old. Now if you are looking to see if it is the right time for your baby-there are going to be a lot of “answers” on this topic. The age range is anywhere between 4-6 months. So as a new Mommy you might look at the numbers and say to yourself..well okay that’s great-but WHEN DO I START? Pretty much things that you need to look for are as follows:

· Is your baby watching you eat intently?
· Does your baby have good head control?
· Does your baby turn their head when they are full from a bottle?

If you answered yes to these questions, then it is probably time when your child is in the age range to start on solid foods. Of course everyone says that you should consult your doctor prior to starting solid foods. Even though I felt that Bella Baby was ready , I too waited until I got the green light from her wellness exam. The biggest concern is the development factor. You can’t see what is going on in the insides of your child and your baby needs to have reached a certain point in development internally before solid feedings begin-which is one of the reasons why you have such a broad range.

Things to know before starting solid foods

When I went in for her wellness exam and got the green light on foods-I also got a pamphlet that said how to introduce foods, things to look for, etc. However what I didn’t get was the frequency to feed foods to my little one and even really a good measurement to go off of. Now I will be the first to admit that I did not follow doctors orders. Does this mean that you should use my method? I don’t know. The best thing that I can tell you when it comes to this subject is KNOW YOUR BABY! I never at any point tried to pressure my baby to eat food. I introduced a range of solids quicker than suggested, but also made sure to keep a look out for food intolerance. On that note-you need to be able to identify if there is a food intolerance to your little one. What are the signs?

FOOD INTOLERANCE SYMPTOMS:

· Spitting up
· Vomiting
· Loose Stools
· Excessive Gas
· Abdominal Cramping

Now, my baby naturally spits up a lot. She always has, so I did not look for this symptom when presenting her with food. I of course also would have no idea if she was cramping because what is she going to do to let me know???? I have no idea. So I looked for the other 3 symptoms to happen at the same time. This is why I say-know your baby. If you feel that your baby is having an intolerance to a certain food, remove it from the diet and continue to push forward.

Okay, so now you have a little information on feeding-so now it comes to the food. According to the rules your baby should eat cereal and yellow vegetables (carrots, squash, sweet potatoes) for the first month. Then for the second month you add in green vegetables. Then after they have been eating this for the two months you introduce fruit and meat after 6 months of age. I didn’t do this. She has just completed her first month of solid food feedings and she eats 2 cereal types, yellow veggies, green veggies and fruits.

***Also on a side note-if you are feeding your baby formula then if they are having tummy cramping it might be a good idea to have a small container of lactose free formula. This will be better for them while they are recovering and won’t give them extra tummy troubles!***

Feeding Tools

Here are the tools that I use to feed my baby:

· A place to eat – we use a space saver high chair, but anything that allows you to have your child sitting upright and supported will do. For example the Bumbo chairs have a tray attachment, this would also work. Know that your child is new to feeding and food will be EVERYWHERE. So if you are worried about food getting on something, make sure you place your child in their seat AWAY from areas of your house that you don’t want to have bright orange or green food hit.

· Baby spoons- not the little silver spoon that you got for your baby, but the ones that have the soft rubber like tips on them. They are protected for a reason-you don’t want to hurt your childs gums when they are trying to get used to chomping down on their food. It also is the size so that you won’t be giving your child too much food per spoonful.

· Bib-If you weren’t using them before (which I wasn’t) you are REALLY going to use them now. Get ready for food to get all over their face and chest and even sometimes hands and arms.

· Baby Wipes – Have these close by. It works much better for clean-up on your child and everything else than a paper towel, burp cloth or bib. Having these close by for feeding time will allow for the quick clean-ups of trays, yourself and your child.

· Food Dish – Now you can buy a special little bowl for your little one to eat their cereal, etc out of-but really anything will do. A Tupperware container, a cup, a bowl. Anything that you have will work. I admit that I use these cute little Beatrix Potter bowls that she got for Christmas from her grandparents for cereal. It is super cute!

· Measuring Spoon – That cereal is not portioned out, so you need to be able to measure out the amount of cereal that you are going to be feeding your little one.

LET’S START!—or not???

Alright, you have all the tools now. You have purchased your baby cereal brand of choice. We use Gerber Single Grain Rice and Oatmeal for the “Supported Sitter.” So now what? At first, I just put a little bit of rice into a bowl-maybe a TBSP of Rice and watered it down with formula. After all, everyone said to mix formula so your little one would take it. The consistency was that of milk, smooth with no lumps. Well, tried that and it didn’t work. So then I used water instead of milk-and that didn’t work either. So then I though, maybe she just doesn’t like rice-so I switched to oatmeal and got the same results. After a week of a frustrated baby and a frustrated mommy I decided to buy other foods.

So I went to the store and bought every Gerber 1^st food I could find with the little “supported sitter” logo on the side. I went home, opened up some sweet potatoes and away we went! She loved it. So now I am starting to feel better, but the cereals are still a battle.

I started introducing her to all the Gerber foods until she had gone through all of them and had no issues. But something didn’t feel right. I had no clue how much I was supposed to feed her, how often did she get solids, how did I make sure she was getting all the nutrients that she needed, and how to make sure that she was getting enough formula in the mix.

Oh and FYI-Cereal is no longer an issue as long as it has a fruit in the mix!

Feeding Schedule/Routine

So if you have been following my blog, you know that I am not a fan of the “schedule” but rather the routine of things. I did a ton of searches on this and found a wide range of answers yet again. Frustrated I ended up at the Gerber site and was still frustrated with their feeding schedule. However it was probably the closest thing I had found to something that would work for me. So what did I do? I made my own. So here it is:

	Saturday	Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Morning Feeding	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula
Breakfast	4 tbsp rice 1/2 tub bananas	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub peaches	4 tbsp rice 1/2 tub apples	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub pears	4 tbsp rice 1/2 tub bananas	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub peaches	4 tbsp rice 1/2 rub apples
Mid Morning Snack	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula
Lunch	1/2 tub squash-4 oz formula	1/2 tub carrots-4 oz formula	1/2 tub peas-4 oz formula	1/2 tub sweet potatoes-4oz formula	1/2 tub green beans- 4oz formula	1/2 tub carrots - 4 oz formula	1/2 tub peas - 4 oz formula
Afternoon Snack	1/2 tub squash-4 oz formula	1/2 tub carrots-4 oz formula	1/2 tub peas-4 oz formula	1/2 tub sweet potatoes-4oz formula	1/2 tub green beans- 4oz formula	1/2 tub carrots - 4 oz formula	1/2 tub peas - 4 oz formula
Dinner	4 tbsp rice 1/2 tub bananas	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub peaches	4 tbsp rice 1/2 tub apples	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub pears	4 tbsp rice 1/2 rub bananas	4 tbsp oatmeal 1/2 tub peaches	4 tbsp rice 1/2 rub apples
Evening Feeding	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula	4 oz formula

Food Organization

We are very limited on kitchen space. I tried to find products to organize my baby food, but found myself only able to find it for containers that were round and well-that doesn’t work for me. So I found to space saver shelves at Big Lots for $3.00 a piece. Then I got some Avery 5202 labels and went to work. I keep her food routine posted on the kitchen wall next to her food.

So here is her little food space, and YES those are labels on her food. I did this more for 2 reasons. One it makes it easy to know if I am missing items for when I do our grocery list-and 2 it is "daddy friendly." He can now see the schedule and see the day written on her food and know exactly what to do. Here is a closer picture of that:

So if you notice on the feeding schedule it says "1/2 tub" for food. The 1st start foods don't have an ounce reading on the sides. However each container is 2.5 ounces. So in order to know how much I was feeding her I bought these Munchkin food saver containers that has the ounces on the side. I use it for portioning out her food filling 1 of the containers with a fruit and 1 with a veggie. So now I know exactly how much to feed her. It is either in the Munchkin food container or the Gerber container-so it makes it simple-even for daddy!

RECAP

I hope that this helped your food knowledge for solid foods when it comes to your little one. I can't stress enough that every child is different so what worked for me-may not work for your little one. Want to know what products I used-here are my links:

Fisher-Price Space Saver High Chair, Scatterbug

NUK Gerber BPA Free Soft Bite Infant Spoon, 6 Pack, Colors May Vary

Gerber 1st Foods Assorted Fruits and Vegetables 18 Pack, 2.5oz Tubs

Munchkin Fresh Food Freezer Cups, Colors May Vary

What's to come and today's note

2011-04-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

So, I am excited to say that I am working very hard on trying to get my blog setup just the way that I want it. I will be doing the traditional writing blog about my mommy adventures, but also putting some video blogs into play as well. I am trying to structure the blog for different areas that I want to be able to have things and have my blog evolve into a place to go to for product reviews, my real life adventures in parenting, how-to-videos you name it! So as I am going through this process, please feel free to let me know what you would like to see on this blog, or comments about the way it looks-just right/too busy, etc.

And on that note.....here is today's blog:

So this weekend was a complete Tornado. I was frantically trying to get Bella Baby's Easter dress finished, which I should state that it isn't done yet-but almost. I just need to tack down the lining and add a finishing touch to the front of the dress and then done. I was supposed to have her pictures taken today at Sears, but re-scheduled for Wednesday since she sliced her cheek so she has this little bloody line running across her face. I don't get it, I clip her fingernails all the time really trying to make sure that there are no sharp edges for her to hurt herself, but it never fails she ends up with a scratch mark somewhere on her body. I hate that she does it, but don't know how to stop it. I never see her do it, so I don't know-maybe she is doing it in her sleep or something. Which speaking of sleeping-she is now all over her crib. I had a dream the other night that I had put her down in the crib and was in the kitchen doing something and the next thing I know, my little girl is in the living room having crawled out of her crib and now just looking at me. Scary. My brother used to do that and according to my hubby's mother so did he. Good times! lol.

So for something different, I thought that I would post a picture of me doing a fitting with Baby Bella in the dress that I am making her. Now, keep in mind this didn't have a zipper in it yet, the dress wasn't hemmed, etc, etc. I had done all the measurements but was afraid that it was going to be too big for her. As it turns out it is going to fit just fine. Note though: doing a fitting on an infant is no small task! My hubby was trying to hold her up and I am trying to see from all angles how it fits and get a picture in at the same time. So, when we go to get photos on Wednesday I will post up the final finished look with her in it, but here is the preview:

Do you see the scratch on her face???? She had it Saturday morning and it still has not gone away. They usually heal up pretty quick, so it must have been a pretty deep cut. Poor thing!

Educational Items

So today the shipment that I have been waiting for has arrived. I ordered the mini-sliding boards from the Your Baby Can Read!® Official Deluxe Kit TV Offer. I also ordered the MonkiSee "Baby's First Words" DVD Vol 1 and the Monkeys Like the Color... (MonkiSee See and Say Stories, Volume 2). I didn't order the DVD full set of the Your Baby Can Read because I am borrowing those from another Mommy. I read reviews on both learning systems and they were both mixed. Now that Baby Bella is 5 months today (yeah!!!!), I am going to start her on a program of the first DVD from the Your Baby Can Read series and the MonkiSee first words DVD. I also have some flashcards from Trend- Pocket Flash Cards Alphabet El. So I am going to come up with my own little mini-program that we do together. I am excited to see how she responds-or if she has any response at all to our little activity planning that we have. I will be sure to report how things go and once I have a routine (notice I didn't say schedule!) down I will share everything and post about it.

Solid Feedings

I finally have a food schedule down for her and I am going to put that up under the Mommy Tools section of the blog-hopefully today. Once we switched to solid foods there really wasn't much of a guide for anything. It was just like do this for a couple of days, then this but nothing clear about how much and how often from the doctor. Then of course every site has different opinions of what to do and how much. This all while you are supposed to continue the milk/formula that you are giving your little one. I finally came up with a schedule kind of based on what Gerber had for there first foods program, but changed it up some. For starters it had prunes down from Gerber as a first food-but good luck trying to find that in a grocery store. We buy her first foods at Target and lately that has been the non-stop shop for everything so maybe we just aren't looking hard enough. Also Gerber doesn't include Oatmeal in the mix, just Rice Cereal. So needless to say I finally just sat down with an excel spreadsheet and created my own menu. I am going to do a whole posting on food, so more to come. If you want to know what we are feeding her food-wise here is an example for the Gerber foods: Gerber 1st Foods Assorted Fruits and Vegetables 18 Pack, 2.5oz Tubs

Alright well, bunches to do so that is it for now. Check back often and let me know what you think about everything. I know that I am heading in the right direction for layout, but still have some work to do!!!

What is all the noise about??????

2011-04-03T12:02:00.001-07:00

So, as I have mentioned numerous times in my blog-I have always felt that Bella Baby was the easiest baby to read in the world. She was never fussy, it was never really a guessing game with her and I have been proud of the fact that things have for the most part been pretty simple. As simple as they can be when you have a new child that you are responsible for. Then, something changed these past few weeks. Besides the fact that she is now way more vocal which can be funny and frustrating at the same time-I find myself in a new zone with my little one. This week she turns 5 months. Five months when you think about it is not a long time. In fact in the grand scheme of things, five months is a brief amount of time-but for your new child-the amount of changes that happen are amazing.

Her newest thing is flexing her vocal chords. So you find yourself wondering-is she pitching a fit? Or is she enjoying that she can reach new octaves with her sounds. The most hilarious thing is the duct tape thing. I know you are probably wondering what that is-so let me explain. She puckers in her bottom lip and does baby babble so it sounds like she is trying to talk with duct tape covering her mouth. She puckers her lips like she is blowing kisses and is intrigued by clicking her tongue to make a noise and blowing out sounds-almost like she is trying to do a “B” sound with a “buh”. So now along top of all of that she has started screaming. High pitched like she is throwing a temper tantrum and I find myself looking at her wondering “what happened?” My mellow little one is now showing signs of being tempermental. Without really having anything to go off of, it sounds to me like temper tantrums and I find myself wondering “What is all the noise about?”

Now, I realize that she really has no way of communicating right now. There are some things that she does that let me know that what I am doing is what she is wanting. I used to understand that this cry meant this, and this cry meant something else. Not anymore. So what is a mother to do? It is like a game that you are playing that you don’t know the name of, don’t know the rules or what the outcome is supposed to be. A light in the puzzle is when I guess she wants a bottle and as I am walking towards her with it, her eyes light up-she smiles and stretches out her arms to grab it. I think to myself “okay this is what she wanted” but the rest of the time I really don’t know.

Sleeping was something that we have never really had to deal with. Up until last week, we put her down for bed and that was it-she grabbed her little lamb to hold it, rubbed her eyes and was out. NOW however trying to put her down for bed has become an ordeal and I can’t help but wonder-“Is she already spoiled?” I found myself wondering, everyone talks about the “terrible 2’s” but is there a “terrible month 5?”

I know some of it is that she is teething. She also gets really frustrated when she can’t do something that she wants. In her playgym there are hanging butterflies and she loves to grab those now since she can reach them, but gets upset that she can’t pull them down to her. For those that don’t know-between 4 and 6 months a motorskill that they start to develop is to reach for an object, grab it and then pull it to them. She is able to do this with other toys, but her connected butterflies prove to be an obstacle that she doesn’t understand. Poor thing doesn’t realize that they are attached and are not supposed to be pulled down to her. The teething thing is a trip. She tries to stick everything in her mouth and watch out if she can’t because she will start screaming. One of the things that I never wanted was to be a play toy to her. So she has always played on her own and had self discovery. I do play with her and do things with her, but she spends a healthy amount of time on her own as well. She has started screaming if she wants out of her bounce-a-bout, if she wants off the floor, if she wants a nap, if she is hungry, if she is bored and even if she doesn’t think that we are paying enough attention to her. Literally we went from simple happy baby to complicated high maintenance. Believe me, I am not trying to get off of any “Mommy Responsibilities” but trying to figure things out with her has become exhausting at times. So what happened to mellow baby??????

The truth is that Baby Bella will be constantly evolving as a child and I will be constantly evolving as a Mother. I know that we will get through this as I get a better understanding of her and what her needs are. Maybe it is time for the drill instructor to come out in me already-who knows? I have no idea what this next month will bring. Here’s to hoping I get the puzzle of figuring out my daughter for this next month and it becomes a little more understandable and that I can learn to be even more patient than I thought I had already become. This all while remembering that as much as this is new to me, it is new to her too.

My little vacation...

2011-03-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

One of the things that didn’t hit me until the end of Baby Bella’s 3^rd month going into her 4^th month was the realization of how much of a full time job being a parent is. Don’t get me wrong-I know that you have duties to raise a child and support them in different ways for their entire life. These needs change and develop as your little one does-but I don’t think it quite hits home until after you have been in your 24/7 tornado of your little one being home. Going into month 4I found myself longing for a vacation and remembering the times when you wanted to go do something-and you just did. Now your whole life has changed and regardless on if you stay at home or if you work-your mommy duty doesn’t end because you are tired. You don’t get to punch out at the end of the day and say “wow that was a long day” and then you change your mind frame out of mommy mode. There is no such thing as a sick day.

Today was a different sort of day for me, so I thought that I would post about it. Now keep in mind it is 11:23 in the afternoon on a weekday. From my previous post our entire little family got sick and yesterday after feeling much better I had a craving for milk-which was a bad idea. I was awake most of the night from my stomach turning and bad gas. TMI-I know-but once you become a Mom those things don’t seem to matter anymore. Something about the labor process kind of kills the privacy factor. Once you are tossed around by different nurses, opened and prodded like cattle by various people and every body function monitored by staff-you overcome taboo topics that you wouldn’t discuss before. The USMC does this in a different way with showers-not allowing you to take a shower in the first 24-48 hours of bootcamp and then slinging all these women into a 2 minute shower-all of us naked and running towards water and soap no longer caring that we are nude in front of complete strangers. Same goes for childbirth. There is an instant bonding with mothers knowing that each of our situations were different, but being able to relate to one another on a different level.

Back to my point though-I was exhausted. My dutiful husband woke up and did the morning feeding and diaper change for me before he headed out the door and I was longing for the days when I could sleep in until noon, hang out in my pjs for the day and do absolutely nothing if that is what I wanted. Those days have long passed for me now. In a desperate sort of measure to regain sleep, I grabbed my little bundle of joy and put her in the crib with her light show and there she played while I got some more sleep. Finally at about 8:30 I knew she needed to eat again, so I scooped her up-changed her diaper and fed her. Then I held her on my tummy while I lay on the couch watching t.v. After some time I put her in the crib for a nap. So what is different about this day than most others? I really did nothing. I didn’t wake up, make the bed, prepare breakfast for her, clean the floors, start a load of laundry, pick up the house, have play time with Baby Bella, bath time with baby and then put her down for a nap. Normally when she goes down for her first nap that is my time to prep sewing work, go over financials, talk to my mother on the phone, schedule our calendars and take my shower. The only thing I did was lay around and then take a shower. So in a sense I got a little mini vacation this morning-and guess what-the world didn’t fall apart.

I am so go, go , go during the day trying to make sure that I have a very filled day with things that I need to get done. Bella Baby gets x amount of different play times, reading time, etc, etc and I work on misc items throughout the day. I needed this morning in order to re-charge. Yesterday I needed it and did a walk in the evening without baby and dog in tote thanks to my hubby. As a new mom-I find that little things can really help your mind frame so that you can jump back onto the saddle when needed and handle business. Let’s face it-any job that is 24/7 has break days where you are off the job. For example firefighters. They are a bread of reactionary at a moments notice and don’t get to say-you know, I am really tired right now let’s not go put out a fire! Parenting is the same thing only you don’t get days off at a time. Well, I take that back you can with the aid of family and babysitters, etc have time off, but it isn’t part of an every week routine AND at a moments notice you could be back on call if something happens.

I am not going to lie, I find myself gazing at the commercials of getaway vacations and drooling until reality hits that we can’t not only afford it, but our baby is too little for some of those things now. So, take what you can when you can. I don’t want to sound like I hate parenting-I don’t. I love being a mother more than anything in the world and my baby is the greatest gift I could have ever received. So some might find this post weird or strange that I felt like I got a little mini vaca this morning, but I feel refreshed and ready to take on the day!

I know that I am an extreme person and it would only make sense that I would probably be an extreme parent. I take being at home very seriously and because of that feel that I need to accomplish x amount of things for myself and my husband each day and that certain things MUST be done with our baby each day if I am going to fill my role properly. Sometimes I find myself back in bootcamp mode and have to remind myself that my baby is just that-a baby. She has certain needs that need to be fulfilled during the day, but the world isn’t going to come crumbling down if she didn’t get all the tummy time that I feel that she needs. The world isn’t going to fall apart if I don’t read to her one day. This huge responsibility of parent really doesn’t have any boundaries and we are all learning for ourselves, but perhaps the one thing that I should remember is that we are also human. My baby isn’t going to tell me that because we didn’t do our normal routine this morning that she is disappointed in me. So today I am cutting myself some slack and taking the day easy. Tomorrow I can go back to bootcamp Golini and you know what…I am fine with that!

The Epidemic

2011-03-29T08:59:00.001-07:00

Well, this is supposed to be true life, so here goes the post about our little epidemic. Friday night Bella Baby started vomiting and choking in her crib. Let me tell you that once you have kids and you have to go through something like this, you feel so helpless for you little one. You are scared because she doesn’t have the resources at this age (almost 5 months now!) to be able to know what is going on. When she was a newborn and was at the house in her first two weeks Bella Baby had started choking and couldn’t breathe because she was choking on her milk. The scariest thing in my life! I was terrified to let her lay down to go to sleep. All of that was revived Friday night. We didn’t know what was wrong and after we changed out the crib sheets and she seemed to be okay, we laid her down again-and then she started vomiting and choking again. This happened several times during the night (it started at about 11:30 in the evening and she stopped vomiting around 3:30 a.m.). Afraid to lay her down, I sat up on the couch holding her on her tummy, burp cloth under her little face on my chest and there we stayed for the remainder of the morning until it was time to get up. I checked her temp and it was normal, so I thought maybe she was having an adverse reaction to solid foods that I was giving to her. By 9 a.m. she seemed to be okay, so we all got up and got ready and headed out to Little E’s baptism. Little E is our friends baby that was born about 24 hours before Bella Baby..how cool is that?

Anyway, when we got back home, the diarrhea hit. I picked up my brochure from the doctor and the symptoms were the same as adverse food reaction. I called my mother and was feeling pretty down on myself. Remember I went against doctor orders and was feeding Baby Bella any of the Gerber 1^st foods that I wanted and felt that she was okay. This adverse food reaction diagnoses that I had given to her was making me feel like a horrible mother. I had pushed her too much, tried to feed her things that her little body wasn’t ready for. As Baby Bella would look at me and smile, I felt horrible that I had caused her this pain and even though she was smiling, she was cranky and still having pooping problems. My heart just sank. Even though she still seemed to be doing better, we decided that I and Bella Baby would stay home for my husband’s cousin’s bday party. Since she was exploding through her diaper, we just didn’t feel like it would be a good idea and so my husband left and we stayed home. Now mind you, the worried new mommy was still taking temps with our Bella Baby, all of which came out normal.

Then Sunday-I got hit in the afternoon. I had been tired in the morning, but just took it to be that I hadn’t been sleeping well because I had been worried about Bella Baby. That is until I ran to the bathroom and started vomiting. Now I had the same symptoms as Baby Bella and I realized, it wasn’t an adverse food reaction-she had gotten sick-and now I was sick. Later in the evening, my husband got sick and so our little house fell apart and everyone except for the dog was miserable. Then yesterday we found out that this little stomach bug spread to a lot of people that my husband saw Saturday night. I immediately felt guilty and trying to figure out what happened.

My guess is that Thursday Bella Baby or myself picked up the bug at our first play date at My Gym. That was the only place that we had gone to that was different. I went and saw the twins after-and it is possible that the bug was planted then, but I don’t remember touching my friend or the twins-but I have no idea. My husband was for sure carrying “the bug” when he went to the party Saturday night. It lasted about 24 hours for us, but have still been monitoring Bella Baby closely because of her age and because of her lack of being able to verbalize anything.

So yesterday since we had all had it, I began the process of detoxing the house just in case we could get hit again for a round 2. It kills me because on Friday I had found a flea on the dog. I freaked out and scrubbed the house from top to bottom took the dog in for a flea bath and gave her drops after she got home. So I had JUST disinfected the house Friday, and now I am doing the whole thing all over again. Not that I mind a hospital cleaned house, but it is so much work and I still have body aches from being sick.

So here I am sitting thinking about the chaos that has occurred and what the final count is on victims with this whole thing and wondering what happened? If I had taken Bella Baby into the doctor-they probably would have scolded me for feeding her the foods I have and told me it was an adverse reaction. So I don’t think that there was any way that I could have known. I wonder if anyone from the Thursday play date at My Gym had just been sick or if they got sick this weekend like we did. Then it occurred to me-have all the kids that we met been vaccinated? I never asked if that was a requirement, but I wasn’t asked-so I am assuming it is not. Then I started thinking about the twins. They will get hit at the same time always, how does a mother make sure that her little ones are protected as much as they can be? You can do what you think is right in your house-but what about everyone else that your children come into contact with? The twins were a victim of this little bug as well. Imagine the double clean-up and double crankiness from not feeling well at the SAME TIME! I shudder at the thought. As I finally am able to have a cup of coffee this morning, I immediately thought about my stay in Okinawa Japan while I was in the USMC. I was amazed by the fact that out in public people wore the medicine masks if they were sick, had a cold, etc so that they tried to prevent things from spreading. Why don’t we do that here in the U.S.? Okay I know it totally is THE fashion statement, but if it could help someone else not breathe in your germs-isn’t that one of the coolest things that you could do? I think I have only seen someone do that like twice in the U.S. Imagine all the times you are at work and someone is sick, coughing and sneezing with a hand up saying-don’t get too close-I’m sick! I admit that I have never worn a medicine mask-but maybe I should. Shouldn’t play dates etc share if anything has been going around? Concern over health should be a primary topic shouldn’t it? I admit, I am lost on this one. I never really thought about it much when I would get sick, but now with child-it really makes you think.

Once we realized that Bella Baby wasn’t having an adverse reaction to foods, but was sick-we immediately notified the twins father. I was thinking of the children because of their immune systems and wasn’t thinking about the rest of the adults. Maybe our S.O.S. should have gone out to everyone that we had come into contact with. So now I am trying to figure out how long we need to have our house in “Operation Sterilize” and since I don’t know how long you carry before symptoms and I don’t know how long you carry after symptoms I am thinking for the rest of the week we need to be careful and cleaning-even though I clean house every day as is-needs to be upped to Red Alert status.

I have to admit, I am upset-feel guilty and just generally lost right now with this whole thing. I don’t know that looking back we would have done anything different, because Bella Baby being sick was just not something that we would have thought of unless she was running a fever and because she is newly on solid foods. So, here I am in my bleached smelling apartment on high alert and can’t stop thinking about what went wrong. I know that this will pass, but the concern of children passing to adults and children passing to children is something honestly I had not put a lot of thought into. I know I can’t put Bella Baby in a bubble-but wish I could right now. This is something I am really going to need to think about and perhaps re-think how we do some things…………

The New Mommy Complex

2011-03-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

It is funny how being a new mother can change a person. Your whole life changes and now you have this new bundle of joy/bundles of joy and life that you once knew is over. One of the most fascinating things that I have noticed is how new mommies interact with people.

I have found myself when talking to people-friends, people that have children, people that don’t, family-etc. My new area of discussion centers around Baby Bella. What she is doing, how cute she is-you name it. I find myself in awe every time I see a child out in public, or in the home environment and watching how the parent/parents interact with their children. The new mommy likes to know what is going on, when babies did certain milestones and compare notes along the way. We all seem to have some type of predetermined way that we are doing things with our children (all different from everyone else in subtle ways) and the new mommy can find herself in some really strange situations when it comes to other mothers.

Case in point-I was at My Gym yesterday with Baby Bella. We talked about bath time while in a circle and as it turns out-no two bath times were alike. Does that mean that someone’s bath time routine is better that someone elses? No, it just goes to show that we all do different things and those things work for us. But what is it about the new Mommy that makes us look at the other ways and go “Well, I like my way better!”

I think it goes to a couple of things. First let me say that as a new parent you are a PROUD parent. We would all like to think that because of the trial and error that we go through to make something work-that we have all become experts on that PARTICULAR item. So now, in a real effort to want to help those that are struggling…we want to share those things that work for us. The only problem is that the way that we found works for us-but really may never work on someone else’s child. Even if someone isn’t struggling, but doing something different than the way we are-we want to let them know what we do so that they can do it the same way too? A friend brought up the fact that new mommies are in-secure since it is a whole new world to us. Are we trying to validate what it is that we are doing so we don’t feel like the black sheep?

In a phone conversation that I was having with a friend that does not have children, I found myself talking about how “advanced” I felt Baby Bella was, which of course has only been fueled by my doctor’s visits as well saying that she is a couple of months ahead of the power curve with motor skills and muscle development. In the conversation, my friend kind of laughed and said “yeah….” Then it came up later in the conversation that she said “Really, every parent is proud-and every parent thinks that their baby is doing well in everything. Have you ever heard someone say-my baby is so far behind in everything, or my baby seems to be as dumb as a rock?!” Now someone that has a sick child with whatever disability, etc-may have conversations when they are concerned that their child will reach their milestones-but for the baby that is just a healthy baby with no issues-you don’t ever hear about anything other than how great they are. After the phone conversation I took a step back and realized that yes-I myself had become the bragging mother. Has that stopped me from being proud of my little one and talking about her in high regard? No it hasn’t. However, what I have found is that I leave most of those conversations with my husband. When with other children and new mommies I find myself trying to be more supportive of how they are doing things and appreciating our differences. For the new mother though-you can often find yourself with foot in mouth moments.

For the new mommy there is nothing wrong with being proud of your child. Perhaps something that we could all be conscious of is that instead of stating what we think other people should do-we should ask a crucial question before we start our conversation of what we do and that is “Does that work for you?” If it does work for them, then do we really need to share how we do things? Now if a mother is frustrated and seeking guidance-perhaps we should share our pitfalls and what works, but chances are this frustrated mother has tried the same things we did. So what can we do? I think the answer is listen.

All of us had different childhoods, we had different up-bringings, rules, and even the way that we interact with our parents will be different from the way that someone else does. It would be of no surprise that the things we thought worked for us we try to incorporate into our own children-and the things that we didn’t think work we try to stay away from, but even those things could end up being a part of how we bring up our children.

Case in point, my parents swore they would never spank a child. They tried really hard to uphold this, but after an afternoon where I had picked up a broken antenna and started chasing after a neighbors kid with it trying to hit them with it-my parents felt like the only way to teach me the severity of what I was doing was to give me a spank. Now let me state that my parents didn’t beat me and a social worker should have come to the house. It was really no more than a soft little swat on the bottom-but it was enough to make me know it was wrong-and I never did that again. Does it mean that they were wrong to break their rule on no spanking? Could it have been handled another way? Really, none of that matters. They were trying to raise a child-knowing that someday this child would be in society as an adult and needed to know that hurting others physically had consequences.

A friend of mine gives her children choices and options of them choosing to get the task done. The first time I saw this, I was in awe of her patience and tone as she spoke to her children. The choices/options never are to do something different than what they are supposed to do-but give them a choice on how they want to get there. For instance, we were going on a walk and one of her twins didn’t want to get into the wagon. She didn’t say “okay would you rather go inside and play, or do you want to stay outside and play in the yard?” Instead it was “Do you want to skip, run, or hop to the wagon?” In amazement the little girl was thinking about what her mother was saying, and in the end we went on a wagon ride. The mom said “I don’t care at the end of the day how she gets into the wagon, just as long as she does it-and I don’t want to fight her about it.” This way of doing things is totally opposite of how I was raised-but I see the value in it and it could be something that I try when Baby Bella gets older. I think that any way that you can have your children do what they are supposed to do-without a fight/tears etc only makes for a better day for mommy and children. Going back to my point though, because I was raised with “No means no!” doesn’t mean that another way, like my friend is a wrong way because it is different. We can all think we will do things a certain way, but until we are there who knows what will happen. Plus she is in a whole other ballgame because she has 2 kids the same age-so it is a very different life than a 1 child mommy. I give her mad props for staying sane and getting what she needs done!

Should you dictate how proud you are of your child and your accomplishments with them? No, be proud-you deserve it! Perhaps though we could be a little more humble and a little more supportive of each-other. Please note that I count myself in this. Instead of putting in our two cents unless asked we can just say “That’s great!” Children advance at all different levels and times on different things. When someone says “my baby just rolled over!”, perhaps we should just say-that is great! Instead of, how cute-my baby did that at x time. Do you remember how excited you were when this happened to you and your baby? Why would you inadvertently take that away from another mother. I will state AGAIN that raising children is not a competition, they are not here to validate that you are a good parent. Be confident for you and your child. If your child isn’t doing something that another child is doing, or anything else, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong. Your baby is your baby. Be proud of your baby and be proud of the work that you do with your child. Own it, be proud of it, but lets not try to force everyone else to what we are doing, and rejoice in others efforts instead of getting into the “well my baby does/did this……..”

Getting into my groove and product reviews

2011-03-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

So-as with everything there is an adjustment period. My new though process on routines has really been helping me out. I was clueless that once you have a child organization is crucial and vital to the flow of your family life. I have done countless searches for tools to help me make sure I am on top of everything and all I have found are countless schedules and task lists. By the time it is all said and done-I would need a binder! So I am still trying to work everything out. My newest creation is a daily schedule sheet that is posted on the refrigerator. It has work out time/events for Mike, Isabella and Myself; Isabella's eating schedule; dinner; tv shows for me and Mike and a notes section for last minute things that come up.

Solid feedings were something that I had been excited about starting since Isabella was born. Don't ask me why-but it was something that I was looking forward too. Now that we have started solid foods-man was I in for a shock. I didn't realize that they had to LEARN to eat. So my already huge laundry duties for the family have now doubled, and cleaning time has increased. So you figure Isabella has about 3 changes of clothes a day. Her morning clothes after bath time-then she spits up on them and is drenched, so on to outfit number 2-which the same thing happens later and now pj's. Since her food is solid now with her bottles, the spit-up now comes in an array of colors-and although we never used bibs before with bottle feedings very much-they are REALLY necessary now. So once you add in burp cloths, a couple of changes of clothes, blankets she plays/spits up on, high chair cover that gets food all over it, her bounce a bout chair cover, bibs, changing table cover she now has her own load of laundry! Plus our washer is small, so in one day I am doing 3-4 loads of laundry! Plus I wasn't prepared for the screaming that would come when trying to feed her rice or oatmeal..she hates them! I have even tried to put fruit in the cereals, and still no go. We have given her sqash, sweet potatoes, carrots, apples, bananas, peaches, green beans and peas. I am scared to go toward the meats...I can't even imagine what those are going to smell like. EWWW! Also, nobody prepared me for our new diaper blow outs. Now poop is starting to look like poop in color. It has been green because of the iron in the formula for a really long time now, which almost made it not so bad...like it wasn't really poop. However now she is transitioning to brown and the diapers are heavier..it is just gross and it is blowing out onto her clothes. I swear when we change diapers now, it is like trying to perform surgery so that it doesn't get all over everything.

Some wonderful laundry items that I use are - color catcher sheets-(now no more separating of colors), the cheapest free and clear detergent we can find, and for stains - the magic wand which you can purchase at drycleanersupply.com. This magic wand stick is awesome-we used it at the shop and works on everything including blood! I will say, that if you want your whites to stay white-the color catcher sheet doesn't really do the job that well, but at least they won't turn pink. These days that is all that matters.

So now that we are moved in, starting to get used to the area and falling into a groove with Mike working-I am finding that I am more productive with my days. So now I am looking into activities to do with Baby Bella. I signed up for a free class with Gymboree on the 28th of this month and am trying to get into a free class at My Gym. Once I go and get the final cost for everything, hopefully it will be something that we can add into our day, good for Baby Bella and will allow me to meet other mommies. I will report my findings/costs of both places on one of my blogs.

It is amazing to watch Baby Bella try new things. She is now sitting up higher (getting out of tripod mode) but can only do it for a couple of seconds now. When she is on her tummy she will reach with her arms for balls/toys and try to grab them and pull them to her. She loves watching herself in her Lamaze Toy Mirror now, which she never really payed attention to before. One of the things that is difficult is doing the same things over and over-she loves it, but Mommy gets REALLY bored. lol.

We have a really busy week this week, and it feels great! I am hoping that the weather stays nice for when Baby Bella wakes up so that we can go for a walk.

Oh and before I forget - product reviews:
DIAPERS:
So we had tried a bunch of diapers when she was a newborn and settled on the Huggies Little Snugglers. They are awesome and do a great job, but they are super expensive (I have searched everywhere for better prices and used coupons) Since we are on a tighter budget, we switched to Targets brand up and up for her. They work really well, the only thing I miss is the little snugglers had a pouch on the back side top of the diaper that helped with blow outs up her back that the up and up diapers didn't have. But other than that, they do the job. The huggies averaged about $0.26 a diaper and the up and up diapers average $0.15 a diaper, that is without them being on sale or having a target coupon-which you can use a code or print online. FYI the diapers at the dollar store were HORRIBLE that we had bought.

WIPES:

We always use sensitive/non fragrance wipes. We tried the target brand, but our best cost one that we found that we liked are from wal-mart. They are the sensitive Parents Choice. You can get a 704 count box for $10.97 which comes out to around $0.15 each. To give you an idea the up and up brand comes out to about $0.19 each. Why I like the parents choice are for two reasons-One the wipes are super thick so you need less of them to get the job done, and two each of the packages in the box come with a plastic snap lid where you pull the wipes from. Let's face it the ones with the adhesive tape that comes with the up and up brand is a pain, and can cause the top wipe to dry out.

FORMULA:
We used Enfamil when Baby Bella was off breast feeding for fussiness and gas. What we didn't realize was that she didn't have any of this, so the formula was bad for her. We tried Similac-which Baby Bella didn't like at all, and finally settled on Gerber Smart Start. The only thing is that it is so expensive. A 20 ounce can cost you about $20.00. The grocery store has the 20% more container for the same price. However, the up and up brand from target is a 40 oz for $20.00 and is a huge savings. At the age Isabella is now she goes through 1 can of 20 ounce formula in less than a week. It all starts to add up. The up and up brand is also cheaper than the walmart Parent's Choice formula-not by much but about a penny an ounce.

The stay at home survival guide-review

2011-03-19T15:30:00.001-07:00

So as I posted I am reading this ebook by Melissa Stanton called “The Stay At Home Survival Guide.” I would love to say that it is a great book, full of useful information and new ideas/tips to use-but I can’t even finish it.

The whole premise of the book seems to be advocating stay at home mothers (SAHMS), while validating why women should do it and dismissing how moms that are not stay at home just don’t get it and that society puts women in this-damn if you do, damn if you don’t when it comes to stay at home mothering. It also talks about the spouses of stay at home moms and says what you should expect your husband to do since you are a stay at home mom. Almost every chapter talks about non-stay at home moms-giving unrealistic raising techniques when it comes to children because the people that are saying x and z are not stay at home parents.

PPLLEEAASSEE!

Before I really get onto my soap box, let me start with this. Mother is a very loose term. At least to me it is. A mother to me is anyone that cares for, provides financial support, emotional support and tries to the best of her ability to raise a child. Just because you gave birth to a child, doesn’t mean that you are a provider to a child, and just because you didn’t give birth to a child doesn’t mean that you are not a Mom-and father’s of course fall into this same category.

THE SOAPBOX:

Her book, chapter after chapter tries to validate with stories from other SAHM’s why it is better than someone who doesn’t. Women that are embarrassed by the fact that when asked what they do, they find other ways to say that they are SAHM without saying it. She talks of all these women that are smart, educated, financially secured housing for the family, etc, etc and how they “stepped down”. Then goes into detail why the people that are not SAHM’s can’t possibly understand realistic standards when raising children. Give me a break! Then on top of it, you have these women that are upset with their partners for not helping out with more with things such as housework. That there are alpha vs beta moms-in other words the ones that have it all together SAHM vs the slacker SAHM.

Last time I checked you didn’t need an MBA to be able to change a diaper. Not only that, but who is to say that just because you are a SAHM that you are a better mommy than someone who isn’t???? Who made that determining factor? Let me find that person and slap them in the face. Be proud of the decisions that you are able to make, and for the one’s that don’t have a choice to be a SAHM or not-know that you are doing the best that you can. For those that had a choice in being a SAHM or not, and are not being a SAHM for whatever reason-then you too are also doing the best you can. Can’t we all get along?????

Instead of it being a survival guide it was more like a bash fest. I found myself beyond irritated. Every role in your house is an important one, and I am sorry just because you are a SAHM does not mean that you love your child more. For God’s sake-it isn’t a contest! We are talking about your children! Just like with any job, there will be things that you enjoy/don’t enjoy about it and being a SAHM . BUT if you are working and raising a little one, it just means that you have TWO jobs! Wouldn’t anyone understand that 1 job is more than enough and 2 can be overwhelming? Then you add in that everyone and their brother says to breast feed for an eternity, but if you are working do you think you get the extra maternity leave for that???? Last time I checked the answer was no. Instead you get a quiet room, in the workplace where everyone knows that you are pumping away behind the closed door. Yeah…let me think-that doesn’t feel ackward at all. RIGHT!

So not only do we have society standards on how we are supposed to be mother’s, but we also have females grading females on motherly tasks-dictating categories for mothering abilities and judgment? Why? At the end of the day you need to be able to know that you did the best you could that day. In some regards I think being a SAHM is easier in some regards than someone that is trying to work and do all the things that the SAHM mom does on top of that. Think about it, school activities…day time, doctors appointments..day time, play groups..day time, parent teacher conferences..day time and the list goes on and on. Not only do working mothers have to take time off-which could be unpaid, but at the END of their long day at work-then they have to try to squeeze in all the things that they want to do with their children in the evenings and weekend. Regardless if you work or not, being a mother is a full time job with no punch out time. Instead of us judging each other-shouldn’t we be supporting each other?

Being a mother all unto itself is such a difficult role with such a huge responsibility..let’s face it-this little person/persons you have are going to go out into society at some point as adults. No pressure right? And I am sorry, but you can be the “best mother in the world” and still raise a serial killer. No one wants to think that their child might have issues like that, but it happens. We do what we can, in ways that we think is right-but there is little control over the final product. Yes, I do believe that environment is a factor, but I also believe that your children are just who your children are. If you are shy, you are going to be shy, outgoing-the same way. As parents we try to offset these things, but again we can’t control it-or we would be raising robots.

I just couldn’t understand in reading this book why women would skirt the issue of them saying that they are SAHM’s. To me it just sounded like they were ashamed. COME ON! I am sure nine times out of ten if you asked a male what he thought about someone being a SAHM he would say..good for them with no inclination on if it was a good decision or a bad one. So why are the women judging??? I am a SAHM and proud of that. Will I always be a SAHM? I can’t answer that. Do I miss working in a work environment-yes. For me though (and this was a decision between my husband and I) this is what I am doing now. There are a million factors into why we chose this for now-but do I think it is the best solution for everyone? No I don’t. Am I 100% sure that we made the right decision-no.

For the SAHM’s I get that everyone has their reasons for doing what they are doing. I applaud your efforts and your dedication-so I am not trying to take away from the SAHM at all…I am one of you! But let the record show that as proud as I am in what I am doing, I am also proud of any mother that is taking an interest in raising a child-regardless of what her choices are-and especially if we don’t decide to do the same things. There are different parenting methods, different children and different mothers…can’t we all come together?

Maybe the jealousy factor is the reason. If you are going off the deep end about your spouse being vacant when needed..well you might have a larger problem. If I wasn’t such a control freak, then I would be able to bring an additional income to the family so that we would be better financially and actually buy a house sooner than expected for our little one. Am I really the best person to be teaching life skills, motor skills, learning skills to my child? I don’t know. All I do know is that I am doing the best that I can, in a way that works for our family. I wouldn’t want to live in anyone else’s shoes. If I had the money would I hire a housekeeper or a nanny? I have nooooo idea. I can tell you that as a SAHM, your day revolves around the needs of your child with the expectation that everything else is going to get done to. It is a lot of work and an endless stress-but there are joys from it. I get to see the love of my life every day, all day (sorry hubby!!!). Whatever disaster may break, or cranky day may arrive-I wouldn’t change it for the world. Am I bored out of my mind most days?? YES! Which is why I am still doing work for my mom, still trying to get my clothing line off the ground, making things to sell, and lets face it – writing these blogs! Does it make me a bad mom that I don’t enjoy every second of every day because I am a SAHM – NO! and for the mother that is working to provide for her family in a different way than the SAHM-does it mean that she enjoys every second of her day at work-NO. Does it mean that she made a bad choice for working if she had the option-NO and NO.

So for the record, I think every MOMMY regardless of SAHM or not is doing the best they can-and being a mom is hard enough, let’s support each other, help each other and not judge each other! We are all human doing the best we can-and no one knows what the right answer is. We should learn from each other-not feel guilty about our decisions because of someone else’s judgments!

Being a parent is hard enough-why the extra drama??

SOOOOOOOOOOO no I would not recommend reading this book! Lol.

New Mommy - 101; lessons 1 - 6

2011-03-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

Here is the start of NEW MOMMY lessons from my own experiences. More to come in later posts. Please note that I am in no way an expert on children, pregnancy, delivery or raising a new baby. These are just lessons that I learned in my own personal experience that I am sharing. Every woman is different, every pregnancy is different and every baby is different.

Lesson Number 1: Did she just say….
During your first pregnancy you will notice a lot of people telling you what you should be doing. This ranges from doctors, family, friends and yes even the complete stranger, as well as co-workers. For some reason our brains are starting a new wiring process and with the safety and well-fare of our little one in womb, we can find ourselves open and receptive to pregnancy ideas that may help us out. Let's face it, everything you do while pregnant is viewed with different eyes with everyone around you. For example, one day while working at the shop a customer came in and smelled fish. Now mind you, my brother had gone to Long John Silver's and they messed up the order with fish instead of chicken and I am such a finicky eater anyway, fish was something that prior-prego I never ate under any circumstances. Instead of someone asking "what's for lunch?" This is the response that I got..."What is that smell? Is that fish?! You can't eat fish-don't you KNOW that it isn't good for the baby???" My response.."No that isn't what I am eating for lunch, but yes the smell is fish." and then the response back was "Okay, because you know you are not supposed to eat that it is bad for the baby!" Point taken...and this happened all the time. And don’t get me started on doctor’s appointments..they are also fully focused on what YOU are doing and if YOU are doing the right things. With so many people telling you what to do, what was once a receptive conversation that you took in and thought about might just become a new defensive wall that you put up. Well, if you aren't able to handle the comments prior to baby being born-you are in for a real shock after the baby comes. Get ready for the crazy looks that people will give you, the unwanted advice and everyone seems to know what is best for your baby. Well, I gotta tell you-this is an important lesson..you need to find a way to shut down the conversation ASAP. With the many fears and self doubts of you doing the right thing ANYWAY because you are a new mom, these comments just stab you in the heart time and time again. Besides, you are with your newborn 24/7 and know the needs of your baby better than anyone else-family and friends included. Trust your gut instinct and know that it may take you a couple of times to figure things out-and what worked for everyone else, just may not work for you. Stay strong and stand your ground..after all you deserve it! Last time I checked you were the one that carried and bonded with your baby for almost a year, if you survived that-then you can survive anything!

Lesson Number 2: Fear Factor – the real life reality show
Okay, so you passed through the delivery with ease, difficulty, extreme circumstances what have you. Now you have to figure out how to do everything that you used to do differently, while learning how to take care of an infant. I have to tell you, things that are hard to do at first are sleep, shower, go to the bathroom, etc. Anything that you have to do that requires you looking at something OTHER than your baby for any sort of extended time-at first is a scary thought. You would have thought that I was back in boot camp for the Marines with 2 minutes to shower and brush my teeth. Or that I had someone counting down the amount of time that I was in the bathroom. Over time you learn that it is okay for the baby to be alone. Now by alone I do not mean leaving an infant in the house while you go on a shopping spree...I mean being able to take a shower, etc. But even as you start getting used to these things, there is still a little part of me at this point that is like "I hope she is still breathing, I hope she isn't tangled in a toy, I hope she didn't get hungry right when I got in the shower, I hope that the dog didn't sit on the baby." Still I get out of the shower and listen as soon as the water goes off for anything that let me knows she is still okay. The fear continues when you take the baby outside of the home.."Did I pack enough diapers, do I need to pack your immunization chart, did I bring enough changes of clothes for the baby, etc, etc, etc.” Know that whatever your fears are with the new one-you are never alone, someone has had your same fear at some point and cut yourself some slack with your new role. I remember the first time that I gave Isabella a bath-it was all of 2.2 seconds as I freaked out that she was going to drown and somehow the task seemed so overwhelming. The great thing with motherhood is that for all the fears that you have (at least so far with my little one) you will be able to adapt and overcome-just give yourself some time!

Lesson Number 3: Mrs. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde
Ready for this? Not only were you pregnant for almost a year-but on top of that it takes time for your body to adjust to not being pregnant-so those little friends of hormones are still creeping around making you lose it at the weirdest of times and at other times being someone you can’t even recognize. I find myself crying at any movie, tv show or commercial that has anything to do with children growing up. Case in point, Subaru has a commercial with a little girl in the driver’s side and the dad is outside the car telling her to be careful. I had seen the commercial before, but after I had the baby and saw it, I cried my little eyes out. I tried to stay away from those kinds of movies after Baby Bella came home-and partly because who had time to watch a movie? Anyways, I can’t tell you the number of times that I have cried because I felt like I was a bad mother. I didn’t feel this way because I was beating my child (I don’t), I felt this way because I would feel/still feel guilty for not being able to spend every minute with Baby Bella and needing my own time. Own time away from hubby, away from dog, away from baby..just some time to think and clear my head. I would feel guilty because while running on maybe an hour or two of sleep, hearing Isabella cry would trigger this “really???already???seriously???she JUST went to sleep.” Hormones plus fatigue equal irrational thoughts, and unusual behavior. Let’s face it, these were not my finest hours, but I was never upset with Baby Bella, I was upset with me for not being a “better” Mom. Being stay at home comes with its own set of obstacles and if you don’t give yourself a break-you will end up crashing and burning.

Lesson Number 4: Think, Think, Think….
I can’t tell you the number of times I have called the dog by the babies name and the baby by the dogs name. I can’t tell you the times that I forgot to snap the onesie on Baby Bella BEFORE I had already put the pants on her. Misc items that I use all the time somehow end up the most of ridiculous places. I remember one morning, I went to go give Daisy (the dog) water and instead found myself pouring milk into her water dish. Don’t ask me how that happened..I have no idea. Then with the anxiety of my first time out alone with Baby Bella, at a doc appt for me, and the first time using the stroller, I had the hardest time pushing the damn thing and thought to myself “We should have really tested out the whole stroller thing better” when it was pointed out to me that the wheels were locked-so turning was impossible. This was of course pointed out by a nurse with a smirk on her face.

Lesson Number 5: to be a cow, or not be a cow-that is the question
Before going into this lesson I would like to say to all the mothers out there that breast fed for ANY amount of time-I look up to you and WISH I had the endurance with the first pregnancy to be able to get through breast feeding. How long did I last? 2 weeks-and THAT was pushing it for me. For some women breast feeding is as natural and normal, not painful beautiful bonding experience with their child. Others are able to endure everything that may come with breast feeding. I do highly recommend that you try to breastfeed if you are in debate on the subject. All I heard when I was pregnant was how much better it was for your baby, that you should, and its hard but you will get through it, etc, etc,etc. I was on the fence, but decided to try. Lord knows I tried. Did I have problems with little girl latching-nope-no issues there. Did I produce enough milk? Yep. So one may ask why I didn’t last longer since everything was going okay. Well, my little girl decided when she was hungry she would attack her food with a vengeance-and the pain from that would make my entire upper torso flex and I would gasp with pain every time. I was seriously concerned with her safety (afraid that I would accidentally squeeze her to death while feeding). Add sleep deprived to the mix and that I was the only person that could feed her (hence the cow comment, because that is what I felt like) and re-covering from a c-section and it all equaled formula. I know that it is important for her to get my antibodies, and I hope that those two weeks really helped her out with that, but for me formula was a godsend. No one ever really talks about the perks of formula. It was amazing to me that instantly someone else could feed her and it didn’t require me pumping to get the job done. My husband got to feed her sooner and loved that time with her. It is fast, easy and travels well. I got to spend more time with both my baby and hubby because of it. My advice to new moms is this – If you have decided that you are going to breastfeed and you don’t make it-don’t feel like a bad mother. It doesn’t mean that you love your baby less. There is not a step by step manual you get for this-so do what you can. If you are able to breast feed for as long as you like-that is awesome! If you mentally and physically can’t do it though-it’s okay. Buy a small package of formula for a just in case. If you never use it..that’s fine, but in a crunch it could be a life-saver. For the mom that decides she is going to breast feed some things to consider having at the house for when you bring home baby are: lanolin nipple cream, ice packs, breast shields (yeah forgot those one night when I fell asleep and woke up in a pool of breast milk!), nipple shields for feeding in case you get sore, a notepad for writing down time baby ate and which breast (you will forget!).

Lesson Number 6: The truth about c-sections
Alright, so c-section was not planned for me, but since it was something that could have happened-and which actually did-I felt like my doctors should have let me know a little something something about them. Things that I didn’t know and had to find out the hard way were:

· Drugged – I was not prepared for how drugged up I was. I had epidural and general anasthesia and when I woke up-I was emotional, out of my mind and couldn’t think straight.

· Bonding – I had watched all the TLC shows and I saw the movies and what not. What is supposed to happen is your handed your little one and you cry for joy. However, that wasn’t what happened to me. I was alone, and a strange nurse brought me an infant and put her in my arms so that I could feed her. I was terrified, insecure, lost, had feelings of failure for not being able to have a natural delivery, you name it. However what I did not have was an instant love bonding moment with my child. Now that quickly happened as I spent more time with her-I love her more than anything-but an instant bond wasn’t there

· Period – I don’t know how I failed to know that after having a baby you bleed for about a month straight. And we aren’t talking spotting, I am talking losing enough blood that you should seriously need a blood transfusion. I hear that this is the same for vaginal delivery as well, but can’t comment on it, because I haven’t been through that.

· Bowel Movements – Okay I know this is a gross topic, but seriously you were just chopped into and your body is scared to do what it needs to do. Making sure you have a stool softener at the house will go a long way. It took me over a week to have a bowel movement and by the time I did, I thought that I passed a tree trunk. It was a very long, painful process that horrifies me still 4 months later.

· Pain Management – At some point you feel like you are constantly on meds and too drugged to be a mom. The pain kicks in at random times, and still there are some days that it hurts really bad. The healing time is really long. I seriously would wait to take the meds until I couldn’t stand it anymore because I felt drugged up all the time.

The Schedule without a schedule

2011-03-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since Baby Bella is now 4 months old, one might think that we have things down as far as our day. Or that I have had more than enough time to adjust to my new role. However, that simply is not the case. Every day is a work in progress with new lessons, changing baby needs and trying to fit my task list into a reasonable size so that I can get everything accomplished that I want.

This past week has really been eye opening. I realize that the biggest obstacle in this whole thing is myself. The pressure that I have placed on my role as mother and wife-and the meltdowns because of many different factors, left me needing to have a serious discussion with myself. One thing I have said over and over is-I need a schedule.

Here is the glitch with that plan-because our baby is so young, her schedule has been constantly changing since day 1. I can WANT a schedule really really bad, but the fact of the matter is-there is very little control that I have over that at this point. Everything out there says "put baby on a schedule", but the fact of the matter is-growth spurts require more sleep, hunger needs change, the amount of physical activity that they do changes. I now understand that I don't need a schedule, but rather a series of routines. Think of it as disaster planning for a minute if you will. I require x things done in a day, but let's say that Baby Bella needs a lot more attention that day-how do you ensure that you get what you need done. Wake-up times can vary, what if it is an earlier start to the day than what you had "scheduled" for.

So I am re-organizing my mind and habits and tossing out the window all the previous thoughts I had on schedule and now focusing on routines.
Example:

Isabella wakes up, diaper change, feeding time

this always stays the same, that doesn't change for right now. Wake-up time however can start anytime between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. After she eats she roughly plays for 1.5 to 2 hours at which time it is diaper change and bath time, get dressed for the day.

So what I have to account for is that I cannot predict her wake-up time, but I can predict mine. Her play time in the morning is when I get her outfit for the day ready, laundry, take my shower and get dressed, and clean up the house. I also use this time to call my Mother since I still work with her. That time all flies by and I would say at this point is pretty routine, however since I really need to lose weight-I am scheduling myself for a 4 a.m. wake-up so that I can work out. See the other factor in here is that Mike's work is variable days, he is going to school right now and so his days are really packed already. 4 a.m. is really the only time that I have to work out alone and someone be at home with Isabella. The rest of the day until noon is all variable. For the past two days Baby Bella has gone for a morning nap for 1.5 - 2 hours. This has been great because it allowed me time to pick up the house again, put away laundry, prep everything for dinner, wash and put away dishes and work on our finances and get her afternoon food ready for when she wakes up. Once she wakes up again it is diaper change, food and then play time.

So anyway, the routine is what to do when she goes down for a nap. If there is an extra nap in there that is great. When I have extra time, go from the list of things that I want done for the week, sewing time, house organization, menu planning, etc. The more I focus on what I need to do when I get spare time the better and more efficient I will become with the process. I also have to really look at my wants vs. needs. I have to look at Baby Bella's needs and then ensure that each day is the best that it can be-and realize that I am who I am and although there has been some change with having a baby, for the most part I need to find a way to work that into the equation as well.

Just like with work, the realization that short term and long term goals for myself and my role as a mother are a new focus so that I can ensure that I am staying on the right path. I downloaded a new e-book today called "The Stay-At-Home Survival Guide: Field-tested strategies for staying smart, sane and connected while caring for your kids" by Melissa Stanton. I will report my thoughts on it when I finish.

My first post

2011-03-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

Today I decided that I was going to start a blog about my new life-life as a mother. My daughter is a little over 4 months old now, and after seeing so many people go through this change of motherhood, I find myself not even a little prepared. I find myself staying at home-leaving my job that I have known for over 11 years and in my new role of mommy.

Previously I worked in technology, fueled by the disasters, puzzles and complexity of real time situations. Ironically, motherhood fits very nicely into that category only with the added bonus of doing it for someone that you love. When we (my husband and I) decided that I would stay at home and take care of our little one-I must admit that I had visions of the 1950's housewife in my head. Every morning starting fresh with hair done, a dress and an apron on, with my string of pearls that I got from my mother. The morning would start off with me waking before everyone else, having breakfast made for my husband before he leaves for the day, dinner prepared each night with a menu that was ever changing, long walks with the dog and child in tote and being a ray of sunshine from the joy of motherhood.

Well, one can dream.

Today started out with my husband waking me after he had already gotten up with Baby Bella an hour before he woke me, and he is walking out the door. I quickly grab a cup of coffee (courtesy of my husband) and rub my eyes trying to wake up as our baby is staring at me from her jungle play gym with a great big grin on her face. My feelings of being upset for not waking up earlier and our routine disruption from my late wake-up along with the millions of things that I want to get done today, instantly vanished at that little grin of hers. No matter how many times she smiles at me, it never gets old and always warms my heart.

So the day begins, grab the clothes out of the dryer, put a new load of cloths in the wash, pick up the living room, clean the floors, and tend to whatever house needs to be cleaned in the house-while stopping in between everything so that Baby Bella gets another bottle, diaper changes and play time in between. By the time it is all said and done-my 7:30 wake-up flew past and it is 10 a.m. She goes down for a quick little nap of about a half hour and I literally run to get some sewing done. Yes, I do sew and want to start my own clothing line-but lack the funds to do it right now. So instead I have projects, a dress for me-a couple of dresses for Baby Bella, some items that I want to sell. I sew while she is sleeping and then it is back to bottle, diaper change and then play time. I tried to feed her Rice Cereal-per the doctor but that has been an ordeal all unto itself. She just doesn't want it. I don't blame her actually-it doesn't look like something I would voluntarily eat.

Now it is almost 3 in the afternoon and we have done massive amounts of tummy time, bounce-a-bout play time, play gym time, sitting time and she is fighting taking her long nap. So she is now in her crib slumbering away, and I am looking at the house because it seems impossible that it could be such a mess right now. I swear I clean every morning, afternoon and evening. My sewing progress? 1 baby burp cloth is done. I really don't know where the time goes, and hubby should be home in a little while..so now I find myself trying to figure out...pick up the house which needs to be done AGAIN, or go back and sew for a little "me" time. Cleaning the house again wins and I know I am borrowed time for her nap.

Tomorrow I must promise myself that I will do my hair, make-up and at least look somewhat presentable.