Notes from a nervous teapot

Stress and all its Accessories

2011-10-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

Well last week was quite a 'drama queen' of a week. Events and related stress levels peaked- highlights included: Hearing the outcome of whether I would be made redundant from my job and having to move into temporary accommodation while repair works are done to my flat. It has also been one of those weeks where I was bombarded with bad news about people I know.

I don't think I need to mention, that as someone with health anxiety, I've been feeling just a little overwhelmed. I was anticipating a massive dose of different ailments which would fling me back into the nadir of anxiety land. Strangely enough I didn’t get a massive dose but I did get somewhat panicked about a few ailments. Let's see- for instance:

1) Last week I had a cold..just a cold but the anxiety creature was telling me something different. It was asking me if I was sure it was just a cold… it was whispering.."colds can be a sign of something more serious". My cold ended with a cough plus congestion…there was one point where I thought I would choke or my air waves would close up… this was confirmed on the Internet which said that if you have difficulty swallowing then seek immediate medical attention. I made a dash to my local Boots chemist and asked the pharmacist if I was going to be dead in a minute and should I call an ambulance? " I think you'll be OK" he said and offered some anti- congestion tablets, with such poise and calmness. Wow I thought..he's selfish.. I could be suffocated to death in a minute and all he cares about is selling me some pills. I took the pills and thankfully am still alive- as you can see;

2) The week before that I thought I had glaucoma…but it was the eye ointment I was taking for an eye infection which was making my eyes go funny. I still think there is something wrong with my eyes.. I've managed to walk into the optometrists to ask their advice, but making an actual eye test appointment is still off the cards;

3) At the same time I started getting pain in my right knee every time I walked (I have a little arthritis in it). It did cross my mind whether this was actually not my arthritis playing up because of stress but a tumour in my knee. Again I rushed to Boots for some anti-inflammatories, to rule out any rogue tumours. It was the same pharmacist…" oh its you again.. What are you dying of today?".... I should really find another chemist.

The above were pockets of of anxiety attacks about my health, completely linked to the stresses which were looming ahead. I'm convinced that the CBT I've been receiving from my excellent therapist has really helped. A lot of this seems to occur even at a sub-conscious level. You instinctively begin rationalising your ailments and symptoms. I'm also incredibly familiar with how my anxiety works..it likes to be clever but I completely get what it's trying to do.

Also I suspect that at some point, anxiety gets bored of hanging around the same person…you know a bit like how the novelty wears off a new dress or you get fed up of listening to the same song for the billionth time.

The good thing is the week ended well...I hope this can last.

Love Amelia

shaking hands with the unknown

2011-09-05T05:48:00.000-07:00

I often have wonderings about my health anxiety, in terms of why I have it and can I get to the source of the problem? A huge issue for me and it may be for you, is tackling the 'unknown' in life. In my present state I don’t much like the unknown.

To me the unknown is an all encompassing red monster with wings which jumps out at me and gives me what I think are serious illnesses and ultimately death. I often hear myself saying 'ok whats going to happen next, whats the next ailment or symptom? I always seem to have some ailment which I always think is something sinister brought in from the cold by the 'unknown' .

But you know, I don’t want to be scared of the unknown anymore. I feel like I am in a constant battle with life, trapped with no control over what's going to happen next. It's a difficult and tiring way to live your life. I want to make peace with the unknown and let go of the rope which I'm clinging on to and say, "ok so the future is unknown, in fact the rest of this day is pretty much unknown but the unknown doesn’t have to be bad and in most cases it isn't , in some cases it can be great and in some cases it may not be so great."

We're all a bit anxious about the unknown - but those of us who have an anxiety condition can base their whole life around fear of uncertainties. I'd like to think that I am slowly becoming a little more at ease with the unknown. Rationally speaking there are always going to be events and happenings which you can't control when they meet you in life but you can choose how you deal with them and this is the key antidote you have in being in control of the unknown once it is the known.

I want to be quasi-friends with the unknown, meet it no sooner then its ready to meet me, I want to appreciate it and get to know it without a hair of negativity and then bid farewell to it and move on or embrace it and live with it. I want to accept that I can't control everything in life and that's ok because we need the unknown to make our lives unique and make our lives a fascinating story to tell one day… in the future…in the unknown future.

Another experiment, lets see what happens.

How do you feel about the unknown - does it stop you leading a full life?

Anxiety and E-book Readers

2011-08-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

One thing that is a welcomed distraction to the anxious noise that fills my head, is reading. I am so in love with books and the idea of books. I always have a couple of books on the go, fiction or non-fiction, what ever my brain and mood desires. Reading has really helped me in resisting an anxiety attack on public transport, but if you do try this then do make sure it's a book you are seriously enjoying. I say this because you need a genuine distraction otherwise it's not really a distraction.

If you're having an anxiety attack and you try and read something vaguely interesting or you're finding it difficult to connect with the story then the distraction technique won't work. Your brain will be far more interested in the anxiety chatter in your brain then some plot-less book about the evolution of office supplies. (comments welcome on whether this book actually exists).

Speaking of books, I overheard a conversation the other day as I was waiting for the tube, it was about how we definitely won't need libraries anymore because of the e-book reader revolution. Now I'm not a Luddite and all for technological progress but I do have a particular disdain to the rise of e-books and e-book readers. Some things should be left in their original purity like period features of a house or the design of a hammer. Altering them alters their whole justification for existing.

I know there's probably tons of reasons why one should invest in an e-reader but I don't care. Here's my top 5 reasons why not to convert to an e-book reader:

1. E-book readers are dull- a monotone, flat oblong, hardly inspiring.

2. E-book readers are incompatible with humans- people look like idiots reading from it. It's like they just picked up a roof tile from the street and thought "hey why don’t I stare at this piece of slate for an hour" and "hey everyone look at me I'm really cool 'cause I've got a kindle and I don’t need to turn the pages anymore".

3. Traditional books symbolise creative charisma- they are the very essence of books- the illustrative cover, the thickness, the smell, the ability to flick through pages, the feel of a book in your hands- these things can't be replaced.

4. Book shops are progressive hubs- I would be gutted if the e-reader at some point down the long windy road, signalled the extinction of the 'bookshop'. Wandering around a bookshop makes you feel like you are a part of the world where humans are progressing, churning out shards of their imagination. You get to meet real people looking to buy real books, in a real bookshop.

5. Traditional books connect people- can you imagine a parent reading to their child from an e-reader? Enough said.

I'd love to say that a traditional book is better for anxiety distraction then an e-reader but this would be wholly unscientific of me, but I'll say it anyway.

Love Amelia.

10 ways to break out of an anxiety bottomless pit...

2011-08-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Many times, when you're in the dense depths of anxiety, it can feel like you're being smothered by layer upon layer of negativity, hopelessness, worthlessness and a bleak future.

Try not get sucked in! View it as a challenge that you can be in control of and maintain this until you've ripped through each of those layers and made it back into the world as we know it. I've experienced some hard core episodes of the acute nadir that can engulf you and I know it can be difficult to find a way to break it.

Professional help can always be enhanced by your own pro-activeness. Here's some top nuggets that work for me:

1. Ignore the negative voices- build a mental brick wall in your head to buffer those thoughts.

2. Its just anxiety- keep reminding yourself that what you are feeling and experiencing is just anxiety, you are better than it.

3. Seek Support- make sure you have someone, whether it’s a professional or a friend, who you can talk to about what you're feeling and who will support you through the really bad times.

4. Keep active- not just exercise but have constant things to do, little things which you can focus on which will distract you. The worst thing you can do is sit alone and let your thoughts take control over you.

5. Value each day- live in the present day, if its bad then know that it wont last, if its good then know that you can and should expect more good days.

6. Value Life- it can be difficult when you are at your lowest to think about the good in life. But you have to believe that you are a genius creation with many talents, you are incredibly important to this planet and the people around you, you have an abundance to give in the future and there is so much to explore, so much to do- the world needs you to be in it.

7. Make a change- make small or big changes to your life. Wear colours you would never dream of wearing, start writing a book or journal, go sky diving, volunteer abroad, say something crazy at work.

8. Connect with nature- really look at a leaf; the petals of a flower; a blade of grass; the dimensions of a tree. Deeply inhale the smells of a summer day; feel the rain on your skin; cuddle a cat or a dog; deeply observe the stars in the night sky. You should get a an intense sense of being a small part of something magnificent.

9. Listen to others problems- be it a friend, family member or a work colleague. You'll realise that you are not on your own in facing challenges.

10. Laugh- try it and see the funny side of everything, even your anxiety; laugh at it; laugh at yourself; watch a funny film; read something hilarious; go out with friends who are positive and make you giggle.

I highly recommend the Anxiety UK website http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/ which provides a brilliant support helpline and information on how to get professional help for your anxiety issues. Until next time..

Love Amelia

Making a fool of yourself is never a bad thing..

2011-07-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

Last week I thought I actually should pay my GP a visit, for three reasons:

- Get results from an ultra sound scan I had back in May.

- Ask him whether I have MS or could go blind at any time.

- Have a general chat about my health and anxiety issues.

So there I was in the Doctors surgery, waiting, which is an anxiety episode in itself. There's so many posters and leaflets telling you to check this or check that; or do you have these symptoms; or did you know you are at risk of this disease or that condition.

I always try my hardest not to look at these but the more you try the more you end up looking at them and reading them- you can't escape them- they call out to you like a crazed demon monkey …"look at me…you know you want too".

I finally distracted myself by texting my sister Lilly every five minutes with how long I was having to wait to see the doctor. I forgot my book and of course I couldn’t read the leaflets, so I started talking to the person next to me. A middle aged chap with no hair and no coat. We found common ground in complaining about the wait. FINALLY- my name came up on the screen- YES its my turn….I walked in.

I like my GP- he always listens and brings a real human side to the medical profession. (I'm terrified of medical anything, places, nurses, doctors, even stethoscopes). Any way he reassured me that I don’t have MS and that I'm not randomly going to go blind suddenly with no good reason. Phew.. That was a relief.

He then read out my scan results report- "everything is fine", he said, "although the clinician who carried out the scan did note that you were highly anxious".

Wow, I thought I can't believe she mentioned that in the report. Although thinking back I can believe it- I made a complete fool of myself. As already mentioned I am petrified of medical establishments, medical people, medical tests, medical anything, so I was in pieces at the health centre- about to have a scan which could reveal a number of serious illnesses.

The only way I could think to stop myself running out of there was to sing a song while the clinician was conducting the scan. I know!! What was I thinking? But it seemed to be my only survival measure at the time. I didn’t care if she thought I was possessed, needed a tranquiliser shot or a scan of my head…I was going to sing, sing like a skateboarding goblin- to numb my fears and that was that.

So what did I sing?... Twinkle twinkle little star…why that song popped into my head will remain an unsolved crime…may be it was the only song I could remember all the words to at the time…who knows? I certainly don't.

Recalling the story to my good friend Cecil later- he remarked that he thought I should have gone for a more sophisticated song choice.. Maybe he's right but at that torturous moment…twinkle twinkle saved the day…I'll always be grateful to it.

Love Amelia.

Scaredy Cats should get the cream too...

2011-07-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Its not simple- I want to change my life. I've been drowning in a tanker of darkness, stagnancy and negativity for the last two years and I won't have it any more.

I want to do an experiment- I want to see if someone like me - who suffers from severe health anxiety and is completely petrified of the unknown, the future, pretty much everything can turn this around, knock it on the head and say cheerio to my demons.

This is somewhat of a challenge considering my brain is hardwired to think of the worst- so in this case it has to be 'I am doomed to fail this'. But am I? I don’t have a clue but in the spirit of the part of my brain who is a nice chap - I am completely curious to find out.

You may think oh that’s easy - just make a plan and stick to it. But the thing is I have a huge obstacle - pretty much every minute of the day I think there is something physically wrong with me - Ive been through an amazing array of diseases and conditions, which if anyone has suffered or is suffering from health anxiety will be familiar with. So far I have been convinced that I have:

Multiple Sclerosis
Brain tumour
Motor Neuron Disease
Diabetes
Lupus
Blindness
Ovarian cancer
Womb cancer
Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma
Every other cancer
Rare neurological or muscle wasting diseases

I could go on but that would be immodest of me.

Anyway to get back to the point - thinking I have all these really does put a dampener on me bringing change to my life. You see I think I have these because the symptoms you get with anxiety replicate the symptoms of almost if not all of the above conditions. And boy have a I had a plethora of symptoms since time began. I've had tingling, numbness, skin sensitivity, weird vision, weird hearing, stomach problems, headaches which go on for days, chronic shoulder pain and back ache.

I just can't seem to move on and do something different because I always have some ailment that crops out of the woodwork and makes me feel panicky and a feeling hits you which closely resembles walking around with a plastic bag over your head…gasping for a way out.

Present day- I'm going to see what happens if I ignore all ailments and make changes in my life, beginning today: Here are some realistic changes:

Decorate my flat- it should be fun but I can't seem to make the first step.
Socialise- I need to go out socially more in a larger group without fear that I'm going to get ill while I'm there.
Holiday- I need to book a holiday (none for 3 years) and get on a plane without fear of getting ill and being away from home.
Dating- I need to think about a future with someone and actually start dating again.

This blog isn't all about anxiety- its merely a thought outlet for whatever we find strange, disappointing, brilliant, beautiful, ugly- in the world as we know it right now. Any topic is acceptable.
Speak to you all next week
Love Amelia