The In's and Out's of a Not So Borderline Mind

Everything's going to come out...

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Thu, 22 May 2014 18:57:00 +0000

Well, well, well.

Image courtesy of rottenecards. I feel really bad for her. He's going to read this. Since Mr. maturesexforolderwomen - yep that's his email address! has subscribed to my blog. I also feel really bad for myself. I feel exposed. Naked. Intruded upon. This is my outlet. For me. I don't write for anyone else. I know now and again I have a post specifically for her. But mostly, it's a way to get out what I'm feeling. To talk to myself. To reason with myself. It helps me to make sense of things. When I write it, I see it in a different light, I can answer my own questions. Now do I even have that? If I'm brutally honest on my blog and he's still reading it, then I feel it's not fair to her. Because this stuff was meant to 'stay between us'. But I need an outlet. I don't write about the sex stuff etc. because my mother reads it. But I don't need to talk about that. I talk about that with my SIL. This is for my emotions, my feelings, her words that confuse the hell out of her but mean everything to me. I understand her, when she does something, I know why she does it. When she says things, I can make sense of them for her. That's why I need my blog. I guess deleting the posts wasn't good enough, since they come to your email directly written - clever that. Unless you don't want them to. I'm also angry that he's snooping on her, on me, on us. If he's snooping here, where else is he snooping? My FB? Her FB? That's different, that's a social networking site, that's not so bad. But he shouldn't be snooping on her already. What sort of weirdo subscribes to your lover's wife's blog?!? See, I always feel so much better when I write on here. I suppose I could switch to the old traditional form of journalling. But then my wrist would hurt, and when I was hurting December 2012, I wanted to read someone else's experiences. So perhaps this will help someone else. I don't know. All I know is I've got to keep writing, whether it's here, or somewhere else...

Still reading Phill?

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Thu, 22 May 2014 17:36:00 +0000

Still reading. I'd stop if I were you. There's things you don't want to know. This is my private space. My private thoughts and my private world. My shit. Not yours. I will blog about everything that happens. So I suggest you stop reading. How fucking dare you? How dare you read my blog, let alone subscribe to it. You're a wanker. And you treat my girl like shit. No wonder your wife was pleased you left. I don't know what the hell mine is thinking to be going anywhere near you. And I would drive to see her on my lunch break. I'd drive to see her for one minute. It's called love. It doesn't matter if you're watching paint dry, you're still together. Oh and your message yesterday, bang out of order. "sounds like so much fun, I can barely contain myself" just remember, there's always someone grateful to have what you don't want. Now fuck off.

My Pinterest Board

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Wed, 14 May 2014 17:10:00 +0000

How I'm Feeling...

Here again

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Wed, 14 May 2014 14:52:00 +0000

Well, here we go again.

There's a saying isn't there: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" what happens if it happens a third time then?! I'm in a different boat than I was last time, this time my boat feels more secure, yet less safe. This time, instead of leaving because of me and my actions (or lack of them), she's been having an affair for 4 months, and has fallen 'in love'with him. Love my arse, infatuation more like.

I've had a rough 4 weeks, yeah it's been 4 weeks since she told me. And she's still here. He's married, 40 and living with his wife. So until the end of the month she's still living at home. I won't lie, it can be incredibly hard. It can be awful to hear her on the phone to him, it can be awful to have her receiving 50 texts an hour, it can be horrible to watch her get dressed up and head out with him. But there are times when it's nice too. When we're sat on the sofa and we're just watching a film together, you'd never guess what was going on. When we're out shopping or whatever it can be nice. We still have fun, and we still feel the emotional connection, but for her, she doesn't feel the love that she should.

She's been a complete bitch at times, talking to me as if I wasn't her wife. Telling me how she's so happy, is spending the night in a hotel with him, or how he makes her feel good (she claims she has no idea why that's wrong). And other times she's been, no wait, no that's it. She's been bearable or a bitch, that about sums it up!

There's a lot of things that I have a hard time getting out of my mouth. Either because I'm too frightened to say them, or because they're too hurtful to say, and that's why I'm back, here, where I never should've left, because this was always an outlet when I needed one, and I stopped using it.

On a side note, my mental health has been pretty great this past year, no major problems, few ups and downs but nothing to write home about. I've maintained my changes, which I'm so proud of myself for since I worked so hard to change, to improve myself. And I won't stop, I will always try to improve myself. There's no better feeling than at the end of the day thinking that you did your best.

I'm still working, so I have plenty to keep me occupied during the day, and I'm finding things to keep me occupied in the evenings.

I feel like such an idiot at times for taking her back after the last affair, then in the next second I know at the moment, I'd still take her back from this.

I hope when she does go, she's gone long enough for me to move on. For me to stop feeling like this about her. It's ridiculous. I'd never watch someone be treated like this, I'd advise my friends to ditch her ass and get her out, and once the door was shut, it was shut for good. After all, who wants someone who is a serial cheat and is more willing to work on a 'relationship' they've had for a few weeks than a marriage and partnership they've had for 9 years? Me apparently.

My mood is fluctuating with the wind, so I may well be back writing later how much I hate her, or how much I love her, or both.

I know that I'd like to smack him one though. I don't often condone violence, but right now, that's what would make me feel better!

First Home

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Tue, 26 Nov 2013 18:42:00 +0000

Before the end of the month, we will be moving. This is our first home, first time without parents. First time in control of the remote!

On a more serious note, it's been stressful. My mood has sprung up and down a lot these past few weeks and I'm finding it more difficult to hide it. Suffering in silence is harder than it seems. The Mrs is also depressed at the moment, due to guilt read about it in the previous post, thinking she doesn't deserve me?!? And worrying I'll leave her, again ?!?!?. So much of my mental energy has been taken up by ensuring she's ok and feeling secure, and attempting to make her happy or at least see the positive side of things.

Ultimately this all has a toll on me, but hey, it's my time to carry her. I told her last week that "it's the least I can do coz when I fell you pulled me through, so you know that I'll carry you"

I hate seeing her down, that gets to me as well. I worry that I can't make her happy, but to be truthful, until we had all this stress we were happy. So I hope that when we've settled into our new home both our moods will pick up. We're both extremely excited as well. Can't leave that out. It's our first home, we've had so much fun choosing all our furniture and I'm sure we'll have double the fun during the late nights it's going to take us to put it together

I Need An Outlet

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Fri, 23 Aug 2013 18:39:00 +0000

So, here I am again; 8 months down the line.

I should've updated sooner, I know.

A week or so after my last blog post, she came home. We had a heart to heart, I told her I didn't believe she was truly happy; and she wasn't. She didn't admit to it at first, in fact it took her several days, but she eventually told me she was leaving him. She said it wasn't a matter of me or him, he was a somebody who could've been anybody, he was someone who was there, someone who wanted her when she needed to feel wanted. So we became a couple again.

Honestly it's been great. It's been a huge relief having the weight of paranoia and jealously that used to hand over me lifted. I haven't wanted to check her phone, I haven't stopped her from going out, I haven't even not wanted her to go out with friends, it just felt fine, normal, okay.

Well now it's not. All that work I did, all that trust I worked so hard on is gone; I found out yesterday that she's been having an affair since May. I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal in all my life. I'm so angry - but not with her. Not with him either, I'm not one of the people who just blames the other person and sees no fault in their own partner. I don't really know why I'm not angry at her. I still have an overwhelming urge to love her, to protect her and to make her happy.

She says she's sorry, that it was just sex and that it didn't mean anything. A part of me doesn't believe this. There is photographic evidence that tells me otherwise, it tells me she enjoyed it, she felt comfortable with him, and it makes me sick. Physically sick.

I had forgiven her before we'd even finished talking. There wasn't a question, I didn't need time to decide, I just let it happen; I'm not going to fight how I feel, I've learned to just roll with it and let things happen. I am happy when I'm with her, at the moment I'm also angry and I feel sick, but the happiness is still there.

I'm not done on this subject, and I guess I've returned as this is a positive outlet for my feelings, rather than other negative outlets which I've been known to turn to in the past.

This isn't addressed at anyone in particular, it isn't written for anyone. It's purely as an outlet for these pent up feelings that I have.

Thanks for reading as always, feel free to share and comment.

I am no longer a mug

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:12:00 +0000

Today; the 13th of January 2013 I am no longer a mug. I will no longer have feet wiped on my face. I will no longer be the person who is laughed at, for doing everything, for trying everything, when it was all pointless.

I am going NC - No Contact. I don't want to here her name, I don't want to see anything of hers, I don't want anyone to tell me anything about her. I'm doing this for me. I need to 'fall out of love' with her. And in order to do that I need no contact.

Unfortunately I will have things around me that will remind me for some time. I read earlier on a break up forum that it's always easier for them to move on, since they're with new people, new furnishings, new location etc etc etc. They don't have to sleep in the same bed, or look at the same sofa, or walk through the same front door. It must be a whole lot easier for them.

I'm going to try to find things to fill my time, because every second that I'm not doing something I'm thinking about them together and it makes me sick. It makes me sick to think he gets to see all the things only I saw, and do all the things only I did. I can't see them staying together long anyway, not that it matters, at all. She has too many flaws for a young man to deal with, they're immature as it is. He also sounds controlling already - and doesn't trust her - and it's only been a few weeks. Yes that's all I was worth was two weeks. Took her a real long time didn't it. I don't believe she even waited that long. Someone on her Facebook asked her on the 8th - 3 days after she left, if she was 'shagging' him, she didn't say no either. Just asked where he'd heard it. I'd rather believe she didn't cheat on me. That there was still some truth that came from her mouth.

I just feel like a total fool, who was taken for a ride, and who has probably been laughed at. That hurts more than anything. And I'll never forgive her for that.

This is the last post talking about her, or having anything to do with her. I will not mention her again. Not until 2 years down the line when I'm telling you all I'm filing for divorce!

Tomorrow will be a better day, as my mother said in the very early hours of this morning, you've hit rock bottom now, the only way is up.

A Very Pleasant Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 21:22:00 +0000

I didn't write a post yesterday, because I was so tired after building all my furniture, cleaning and organising my stuff, then I cooked two huge pots of food; bolognese and chicken soup/stew.

Here are the recipes as promised!

Bolognese - Slimmers World Style

500g EXTRA lean minced beef
200g Closed Cup Mushrooms
Large onion
400g tin of chopped tomatoes
1 clove of garlic
Fry light
1 beef oxo cube
Dried Herbs
Splash of Worcestershire sauce

So I cooked the onion and the garlic, which were both finely chopped, I stirred them until they were soft, then I added the minced beef until it had browned, I left these cooking for about 5 minutes together so that the mince would take on the flavour of the onion and the garlic. Next I added the chopped tomatoes, dried herbs, oxo cube and a splash of Worcestershire sauce, I let these cook for a further 5-10 minutes before adding the very finely chopped mushrooms. I haven't actually tasted it yet, but I can imagine it's going to need a fair amount of salt and pepper because the Dolmio sauce I normally use has salt, sugar, preservatives etc in it all ready.

Chicken Stew/Soup

3 Chicken breasts
3 Leeks
1/2 Swede
8-10 Carrots
6-8 potatoes
Large onion
2 large stalks of broccoli
Chicken Oxo cubes
Vegetable Oxo cubes
Bisto Chicken gravy

I cut all of the veg into large chunks as I like it to cook for a long time so all the veg soaks up the stock. I placed all of the veg, minus the broccoli into the pot. I filled up 1 pint of water with 2 chicken stock cubes dissolved in it and poured it onto the veg, I filled a second pint of water with 2 vegetable stock cubes and tipped it onto the veg. Finally I made 1/2 a pint of Bisto Chicken gravy, as instructed and poured that on top too. The pan was now almost full to the brim. I let it cook for an hour or so. Next I fried off the chicken in a small amount of fry light, let the cool and tore them into thin strips. Finally I placed all of the broccoli on top of the veg, it didn't immerse in the stock as there was so much veg, so it sort of steamed itself on the top! Finally when it was all cooked I divided it half and half - half as it was as stew and then I blended half of it to make chicken soup! This does require salt and pepper to taste, but is lovely. I think next time though I will use beef Bisto gravy, as it has more flavour and makes the stock thicker.

I had a lovely day with her today. Just as friends. I think because I wasn't worrying about trying to make her 'fall in love' with me again, we just relaxed and had a good time. I was expecting her to stay for 2-3 hours max, but she didn't, I picked her up at 11 and dropped her back between 5.30 and 6. First we talked for a bit, how life is going etc, what's been happening at work blah blah, then we had lunch, my chicken stew! Next we went to Tesco (she needed to go) and then Argos (I needed to go). When we came back, we both, yes both, made some fags and took the dog for a 15-20 minute walk. I thought after that she would want to go home, it was probably about 1pm, maybe 2 at a push, but I said I'd burn some CD's for her, while I was waiting for the CD to download I suggested we put the TV on, we ended up watching a film - it was diabolically crap! So crap, I can't even remember the name of it!! But we kept pausing it to talk. The 90 minute film probably took us around double that to watch! Then I took her to the cash point so she could get some money to get a cab to work tomorrow, I said I'd pick her up, but she said she'd get money for a taxi just in case I don't get up. I'll be up, don't you worry about that!

Tomorrow is comedy night with the SIL - very excited, can't wait!

Measurements, Bedroom and Her

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 20:40:00 +0000

As of tomorrow, when I officially begin the Slimming World lifestyle (not diet!) I will post my recipes and foods that I've eaten, also the exercise that I've undertaken that day. Then on Thursdays (my meeting day) I will post my weight loss and measurement loss.

I measured today; my chest is 43", my waist is 38" and my stomach is 45". I'm not bothering to measure anything else, as I don't really think anywhere else is really an issue, my arms aren't that big, neither are my legs, my thighs will undoubtedly lose some, and they need too, but I'm not going there, it'll be one more thing I will forget!

My extra set of bedroom furniture arrived today, along with my wall sticker, so as soon as that is all up and built I will post pictures of the, actually, finished room! Although the paintwork etc. is finished for now, the room isn't complete without the finishing touches!

Today, hmm, I've felt very mixed, I was really tense this afternoon and I'm not sure why, had a good morning, and a good evening, just an angry afternoon! I did appear to sleep better last night, I think I only woke up once, and then I woke early this morning as well.

The clock on my wall keeps moving, turning or twisting to the side, I corrected it twice yesterday, and I've just looked at it and it's crooked again. Strange. Very strange.

I am looking forward to seeing her on Sunday, I'm not sure if it's her company I miss now. We do enjoy exactly the same things, so it could well be. I hope we have a good time on Sunday. Even though it will only be as friends. That's good enough for me. I've burned her a copy of her favourite TV show at the moment, we missed the first season, so I've found it and burned it for her. I thought about it, and decided that it wasn't outside the 'friendzone' as I'd do it for any of my other friends too. They'd just probably have to ask first!

Oh and the bloody delivery man who brought my furniture today left great big dirty footprints all over my new rug! Not very impressed at all!

Weight Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 21:23:00 +0000

This evening I went to Slimmers World with my mum. It was the most boring 2 hours of my life! We aren't 10, we don't need the book reading to us, it isn't difficult to understand that you can have 250ml of milk, or 2 slices of a certain brand of bread!

I don't have a 'target weight' and I don't want one. I think that will either depress me if I'm not getting there or when I reach it I'll be like 'oh well, I've done it, now I can stop'. So my goal is to fit comfortably into my size 14's. If I get there and feel like still going, then I will. But I don't want a target weight. That's not for me.

I weighed in tonight, at 12 stone 13 lbs. I'm not impressed with this at all. I have never been this heavy. And I'm bloody single. Couldn't have been my lightest now could I? No, that would be easy! Bloody comfort making you put on weight. I will not get comfortable in a relationship again. Ever.

I spoke to my boss today, and he's given me work to my favourite school all next week. These are kids with severe learning disabilities, most of them with serious health problems as well, and many have physical difficulties as well as mental. But I love it. I've always loved working with these children. Ever since I was at school and used my 'golden points' to visit them on a Friday afternoon. Being there next week will also give me the brilliant opportunity to apply for a job as a relief teaching assistant. I'm hoping that through that I will be able to apply for a full time teaching assistant job, and then perhaps from there complete my teaching degree. I have already completed 2.5 years of my teaching degree, but due to mental illness I left with only 3 assignments to finish. I have the opportunity to return. And I also have the opportunity to leave with what I have and gain a degree in education. Whilst this would ultimately be beneficial, it isn't what I want. I didn't put 2 years in a school, 2 years in at college and nearly 3 at uni to leave with a degree I didn't aim for. And now I'm feeling better, perhaps I will be able to complete it.

I also had an appointment through for 'elective' surgery on my wrist. It's for the end of this month. But I won't have anyone to look after me. I'll need pretty much 24 hour care for the first 2 weeks, and I don't have anyone who can give me that, not with the intimate care needed with washing and dressing. I'm going to put it off for a few months, perhaps then I'll have someone who can help me with that, or perhaps me and her will be in a better position of friends to ask her to care for me, she's the only person at the moment I'd allow to do it, but she's also the only person who I dare not ask.

Everything happens for a reason, and something will work out.

Impossible

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 23:49:00 +0000

Fallen in love with James Arthur's song Impossible today; the lyrics are so accurate I could kiss him!

I especially like "you can tell them all I know now" - Since all of her new 'buddies' knew how she felt. Also the line "You have gone and so effortlessly".

There are several other lines which just seem to scream at me: "And if you're done with embarrassing me, on your own you can tell them..."

In other news, I had work today with old people who go to a day centre. I had one little old lady who kept asking where her husband was (he was dead) I had to lie to her and say he was on another bus. I felt awful and it made me feel really sad. I told her she was going to her daughters house, but she only wanted her husband. I hope I'm like that when I'm old and wrinkly. She is 95 and was going like the clappers on her zimmer frame! It was wonderful to watch. Sometimes life can take you by surprise and make you smile at the most unusual things.

Today has been a good day overall, more work tomorrow and that can only be a good thing!

Day One of 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Tue, 01 Jan 2013 19:09:00 +0000

So today didn't go exactly as I planned. Began with me writing to her on Facebook;

"Can you stop liking stuff on my Facebook if you don't want to talk to me, because it just makes me think you fucking do"
"Fine, I'll fucking delete you then"
"Fucking go for it"

I regret that the minute I wrote it. I text her, after she'd deleted and blocked me from Facebook, to say I was sorry and that I didn't mean it. She ignored me. I text her this morning when I woke up saying I was really sorry and that I didn't want things to be crap between us. She text me back saying OK. I told her I wanted to be friends and she said she now didn't, because as long as she was around I won't move on, or something along those lines. I told her that I would, that it wasn't her problem any more, and that I wanted her in my life in one capacity rather than none. We're now trying the friend thing.

In some ways I've had a really crappy day, yet I feel better now. Now that I know we're going to try to be friends. I realised this morning that I'd hit my peak way too young. People normally meet the person who is their 'other half' the person who appears to complete the mould at 30-40 years old. Normally their 3rd or 4th serious relationship. Well I happened to find it in my first. I wonder if anyone will ever be able to compete with our similarities? I wonder if I'll ever find anyone who wants to do exactly what I want to do. Who will laugh at the same things on telly. Who loves the same comedians. Who likes psychological thrillers and horror films. Who finds mass death incredibly interesting, to the point they want to research every aspect of the event, including all the gory photo's and videos they can find. I could go on, but I won't. I hope I will. Because right now, all I feel is that no one will ever meet the standards. Do I settle for less than I had? Or do I look for as long as it takes to find her equal.

This all sounds ridiculous coming out of a 23 year old. If someone told me I'd be here saying this about us when we first got together I'd have laughed in their face. But I can only write it how it feels.

Sometimes I wish I'd never met her. Or wish we'd never taken it further than friends. I wouldn't have to list myself as separated rather than single. I wouldn't have to worry about someone not meeting the standards I've been used to. I wouldn't have to worry that no one will ever 'fit' as well as she did.

I gotta start moving on. There's loads of ways to go about it. I'm just not sure which one is right for me yet. I've gotten used to being on my own. I no longer dread going to bed. I've had the bad dream, and survived without the cuddle. I can roll fags faster than my SIL now. I can look at something that I think she'd like and not get angry or upset by it. The only thing that still gets me is if I don't know what's going on. I need to know where I stand, where she stands, where we stand, without any bullshit. I don't want to be protected from the truth. Although I'm not ready to hear she's sleeping with/seeing someone else.

I also wish she'd never told me that a song spoke her feelings, because now I hit repeat and let it beat me down instead of hearing it from her own mouth.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully it'll bring new bedding with it!

2012 - 2013

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 22:41:00 +0000

I thought 2012 had been a great year. Up until December when everything went down hill. But it's picked back up towards the end of December, and I'm feeling pretty positive about 2013.

In 2010 I wrote a new years resolution, it went like this;

In 2011 I promise that it will be a better year, for me and all those I care about. I promise to stop helping the people that don't appreciate it, and use more of my energy on the people who do appreciate it. I promise to put Kim and myself first for a change and do everything possible to make our dreams come true. I also promise to do everything in my power to make myself better so I can be a better person for my wife. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through 2010, and those of you that haven't, I really don't care, I have enough people in my life that do care, and I won't be wasting my energy on you in 2011. Happy New Year everyone.

I didn't write one last year. I'm not sure why. I guess because everything was going ok. I spent NYE here with my SIL (my side) and she spent it at work. I hated being away from her for NYE. This year is no different. I miss her. I wish she would just take some time out of everything, away from everyone and think about her decision. I don't know if she'd come to the same conclusion or not. She may do. She may not.

I read a blog post a while back from Shades of Shayes it was a fictional piece she had written and it just resounded my thoughts on marriages, relationships etc. Here it is if you'd like to read it. Baggage.

I re-read it again yesterday to my SIL (my side) and it hit me all over again.

My new years resolution 2012 is to be happy in 2013. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it yet. But hopefully it'll work itself out. I don't want 2013 to be without her. I don't not want her in my life. But I don't know if we can find some middle ground to meet on. Somewhere between all or nothing.

Totally forgot how much I enjoy drinking; going from the totally straight to slightly warm and fuzzy, to merry and smiley, haven't yet got to the off my face stage yet, but I'm hoping to at some point.

I need her to know that it's never too late. It'll never be too late, not in my eyes, not yet. I'm sure if she comes to me this time next Christmas I'll probably be in a different mind set. But at the moment, if she changes her mind, and just wants to give something, anything a go. I'll be here. I just hope she's still reading my blog. I still tell her I love her every night before I go to sleep. She doesn't know that, because really I just tell myself. But I always make sure I say I love you and good night. Perhaps in someway it reaches her, through a whisper in her dreams maybe.

Anyway, I'm off to get slaughtered hopefully, and my phone is dying so I won't be able to text her. Unless I find the charger that's around here somewhere...

Bedroom, Bedroom, Bedroom

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 18:39:00 +0000

It's nearly finished!

Today, my step dad put up my blind, my curtains, mirrors, clock, shelves, lights and telly brackets! He only came over to do the blind haha!

It looks amazing, so much nicer with some of the finishing touches in place, just need to wait for my bedding and other set of furniture!! I will upload photo's when the bedding arrives, at the moment it just looks silly with brown bedding on! Bedding should hopefully arrive tomorrow as it was Dispatched on Saturday.

All in all today has been a very uneventful day. I have thought about her, but not as much as yesterday. I saw she liked something on Facebook and my gut did a few somersaults but that was all!

Spent some of the day at work, some of the day decorating my room and some of it trying to arrange where I'm going for NYE. Can't believe how quick it's crept up on me. Feels like everything is coming so fast, pretty soon it'll be valentines day (Eugh) and then my birthday (Yay!)

I think I'm going up to my SIL (my side) for NYE. Spend it with her and my nephew and niece. Get drunk, get merry and laugh. That's what I think I need.

I'm kind of frightened that my floating shelves are going to fall on my head tonight...they're not quite flush with the wall and they're worrying me! I guess if I wake up with a bump in the morning I'll know why!

My bite didn't come out any more, I was quite disappointed since it hurt so much! Still have a lump and the red teeth marks - god that child can bite!

I wonder if she's still reading this? I wonder if she wants to know what I'm doing? I really hope that my every second thought will stop being about her soon. I really do. It's getting annoying now!

I wonder if she's going to keep my name? I have no idea how I'm going to feel if she changes it on Facebook, I think I'll be gutted.

My Job

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 19:23:00 +0000

Thought I'd change things up a bit today and talk a little about my job. I'm an escort (love telling people that!) for children with special needs. I take them to and from school, and also to respite.

Today I was taking one of my regular kids, she's autistic and was going to respite (time away from her family to give her mum a break). The journey is approximately 45 minutes to an hour long. I got bit. She is known for biting, but she doesn't ever give you any warning. I don't mean that most kids will go "I'm going to bite you now" I mean, she's not aggressive or agitated at all, she's all smiling and then CHOMP!

The bruise wasn't quite out there, I'm expecting it to look worse tomorrow. Now you can see all the teeth marks - and god knows what she did to the middle bit, it looks a bit like a hickey, but she wasn't sucking, so I have no idea!

She's a lovely kid, and this hasn't put me off working with her, it just really, really, bloody hurt!

Did some more in my bedroom today, even though I felt like crap. I don't know if it was just the fact that I didn't sleep well last night (was up every hour - Grrrr!) or whether things are catching up with me now. I hope it's the former and not the latter.

The feature wall is almost finished now, just a few touch ups and the white needs another coat and it'll be all done! Tomorrow I'm going to put the TV bracket back up, instead of watching it on a chair! Also my blind and curtains need to go up so I'm not getting undressed in front of a wide open window!

Oh, I'm also going to break up the large blue stripe in the middle with a black stripe. Unless anyone else has a suggestion? I'm open to ideas, I just know it needs breaking up. Normally, I'd ask her.

It has been really weird today, I haven't spoken to her at all. I talked to her yesterday about her sister and I think it upset her a bit, but she didn't want to talk to me about it, even though I repeatedly asked if she was ok. I've wanted to message her all day. But I haven't. I've checked Facebook to see if she's been on, she has, but hasn't written anything. It's not just her being here I miss. I miss talking to her too. I miss being able to go "OMG, this just happened!". I feel like I've got no one to laugh with at the moment. And no one to watch scary movies with - which is something I'm really missing.

More work tomorrow in the morning, with the same kid. I pray that I don't get bitten! It still bloody hurts!

Feels Like A New Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 18:10:00 +0000

Last night, I got drunk with my SIL (her side) who is one of my best friends. I haven't been drunk in, ooh, 3-4 years at least! I thought I would be on the floor but I handled it a lot better than I expected! We had 4 shots of vodka, and 8 WKD's each. I know it doesn't sound a lot, but for someone who hasn't had more than one drink in 3 years - I thought I'd be bladdered! Didn't have much of a hangover this morning either, which is always a bonus!

It also wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'd given SIL my phone, so when I got drunk and wanted to ring/text her I couldn't. But I didn't want to. I guess what I told her yesterday was true. I don't want her back 100%, probably 20-30% of me actually wants her back. And the other 70-80% thinks that because we married, we should fix it.

Anyway, I feel like today is a new day, I did talk to her today because we were meant to be sorting through photos together. But she text me at 1pm - when she got up! To tell me that whenever she sees me, she's left an emotional wreck, and she needs a break from that! Lovely!

I can't wait to finish my room, and have a lovely space to go and be in. I'm also really looking forward to the night out me and SIL have planned for the 7th of Jan. A new year, a new me!

Thanks everyone for reading, even if you stay silent and don't comment, it is appreciated. It's nice knowing I'm not just talking to myself!

The End

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 19:12:00 +0000

Well, I've certainly gone through a million emotions today! This morning I was all excited because I was seeing her and getting all hyped up. Thought we could go out for some drinks or she could come to mine for some drinks. She texts me at 1pm saying "I've got a couple of hours free what do you fancy doing?" Automatically I feel like I'm just filling in a spot. She said evening. Not afternoon. I'm midway through painting my room; I drop everything to go and get her.

I've had very mixed emotions about what I want to do, whether I want to keep trying to get her back or whether I want to just give up; I'd decided I was going to tell her that I couldn't wait forever, as every time I see her or hear from her I think I've done something right and she's going to try again. So I say this to her and she says "everyone I've talked to says it won't work how I want it to" brilliant, so she's been talking to everyone - who doesn't know me - about our business. She wants nothing more than friends. I have a feeling she's known this all along and has just been stringing me along for her benefit, so she didn't lose me as a friend. She says "you've been my best mate for 8 years" - I don't even deserve the title of friend now, I'm just a mate.

I tell her that I can't do it, I can't keep seeing her, thinking that she's going to try and then her not and me come crashing down. It's all or nothing. Then I want nothing.

I don't understand this girl. At all. I'd rather her tell me she doesn't know than tell me she doesn't want me. She said 2 days ago she was too scared. Not thy she didn't want to. There's a huge difference between not wanting to and being too scared to. She says can't it be both? Well no actually, you either want to but you're too scared or you don't want to.

I shouted at her, I argued with her for the first time. She's glad I got angry, she's glad I've stopped being so nice. I'm only angry because I feel like a mug who has been strung along for 3 bloody weeks. She said she's been selfish, well bloody hell, you couldn't have thought of this 3 weeks ago?!

I told her, she's going to realise what she's done. She's going to realise that she's just chucked away someone who totally accepted her for what she is. All her little faults and 'grossness' - as she puts it, not me. I accepted them all. I love every one of them. Her new found friends who don't know her at all will either get bored and become less frequent or they'll drop her. And I'm worried for her. I'm worried she'll end up on her own, with no one to turn to. Perhaps when she's not spending her evenings with her friend and not spending her nights on his sofa she'll realise what has gone. I don't know if I'll still be waiting.

She's also angry with me because I've made all these changes and want to do everything that she's always wanted. Well I still believe it's better late than never. But if she doesn't, well I've got to deal with it haven't I.

I'm going to get plastered tonight, probably make me feel a million times worse than what I already do, but hell, I'm 23, it's time I started acting like it.

Paint, Pain and Pleasure (Couldn't find a synonym for happy beginning with a P)

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Wed, 26 Dec 2012 20:20:00 +0000

Today has been a good day, My mother came over early this morning. Early to me is like 8.30. To my mother, that's about 7.11 - That's what time she rang me to say she was leaving. I was not impressed.

We began by cleaning my room again, and then building the chest of drawers, bedside cabinet and wardrobe. Now, when my mum ordered this, it was shown with a double bed. As I have previously mentioned, I was not happy about the one bedside cabinet. We now know why. It's child size. Yes, the chest of drawers comes just above my knee. I am nearly as tall as the wardrobe, and I can't fit my pants and socks in the same drawer!

I don't have a picture now, but I will upload one, it's hilarious. It probably took us longer to build it because we were laughing so much!

Then came the paint - we gave the dark wall a second coat of white and did all around the really annoying radiator pipes. Then it was off to Homebase.

We got 7 colours mixed. They are bright - this is going to be my feature wall.

We had to frog tape all the lines so that when we peeled off the tape it didn't take the paint off.

Yes, I am having that many stripes on my wall!

And here is what I've done so far...

It looks amazing! The fuchsia at the bottom needs another coat, and so does the orange, and there's still green, black, more blue and more orange to go in it! It's going to be amazeballs!

Then...a bit of a downer. I go to plug my TV in, to go to bed and watch telly. Now, my TV means a lot to me. I would've flipped before I was alone, now I'm on my own, even more so. I was gutted. Going to watch TV on the iPad for tonight...hopefully mum can fix it tomorrow.

So I was all ready to cry, feeling like shit. But then...

I had messaged her during the day to check she was ok after yesterday, she was, asked how I was, told her I missed her, wanted to see her etc. She ignored it, I asked her if she'd done any thinking today, she ignored it. I asked her if she wanted to meet me sometime this week, just to spend some time together, she ignored it. So, by now I'm pretty pissed off. So I message her, not angrily, just upset and say, you could just write no instead of ignoring me, that's not very nice. She writes back - "Ok, I'm free tomorrow evening". Wait, what?

Yup, she's agreed to see me, she told me not to read too much into it, and I'm not - I don't think. But I do know that I'm excited as a kid at Christmas right now. Not a lot can happen here to dampen this mood.

Hopefully I'll be a bit later on the blog tomorrow, if things go well!

Actually An Alright Day

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 18:10:00 +0000

So, as it turned out, the day wasn't that bad. Spent most of the time playing my awesome new 3DS XL - thanks mummy! I am now in the process of cleaning the rest of my bedroom walls and painting them, ready for the stripes to be painted tomorrow. I will post pics when it's done.

I have no idea why, but I keep checking my phone, hoping that she's text. I'd love a message, out of the blue from her, just so I know she's thinking about me. I guess what I'm kind of worried about is if I give her her space, will she just not think about me? I don't know what she's thinking. I know that she is all I am thinking about. What we can do together. How I can make sure I don't go back to my old, nasty self. I don't want that for me, let alone her. That's how I can guarantee her that it won't happen, because I will never let myself get like that again, with or without her.

I said to her the other day about moving to somewhere different when we get back from travelling. I suggested Brighton and she said she didn't really care as long as it wasn't where we are now. On the way to take my SIL home that night, she asked me if I'd really move to Brighton. Because I've always been adamant that I wouldn't leave my home town. I said that I would move to Brighton. In fact, my exact words were "Yep, I'd move to the other side of the world to be with her". And I'd be really sorry to leave everyone else behind. But as my dad always says, there's planes and there's trains. I'd Skype everyone all the time. It would be hard, but it would certainly be do-able. Especially if she'd be there.

She told me last night that everything I am offering her now is all she ever wanted. Some space, spend time with friends, see the world together. I know I'm a bit late on all this, but it's really like a fog has lifted and I can now see the world, and my life for what it was and what it is. I don't agree that it's too late. Surely it's better late than never. If it's really all she ever wanted, and it's what I want now too, it would be amazing to do it all together. Totally amazing. It would blow my mind and make my year, no, my life. It would make every little bit of heartache worthwhile.

No one will understand the picture, but she will.

She also said that memories aren't easily forgotten. I don't want her to forget the bad memories, and I don't want to either. I want to use them to keep us on track. To keep me looking at the wonderful life I could have. To keep her telling me if she thinks I'm slipping. I want to make new memories, and the old ones will fade. A lot worse than this happened during our first year together, and those memories aren't forgotten. They've just faded. A lot.

I feel better again, because I'm determined to give her everything she wants, everything she ever wanted. She wants space, she's got it. She wants me, she's got it. Anything she wants, she can have. I'm strong now, and I can give her what she needs. She looked after me for too long, now it's my turn to look after her.

I hope I win the Euromillions tonight. Then I'll book tickets to the sun tomorrow. We can leave all this crap behind us. And start a fresh.

Good night bloggers, I'll let you know tomorrow if I won.

The Dangling Of A Carrot

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Tue, 25 Dec 2012 11:08:00 +0000

Breaking all the rules today; thought since it's Christmas, not in my house, but everywhere else, I'd write a post at, nearly, lunchtime. There'll probably be another tonight as well, as I'm sure something else will have happened by then.

I wrote yesterday about how I was a fool, well, now I think I'm a fool and an idiot. I deleted her number, determined that if we weren't going to be friends and if she wasn't prepared to give me the opportunity to show her I have and will change, I wouldn't have a way of contacting her. I also deactivated my Facebook account. Sorted. Switch phone off, have nice sleep, forget about Christmas. No, couldn't just let me do that, fucking universe or fate or whatever the hell it is that insists on making me work my butt off for what I don't know.

She text me; saying she'd read my blog, and how everything had hit her, and she was sorry for how she'd treated me, she hadn't been very nice because I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. She's right I didn't. No, I don't. But that was ok, because I thought that she'd see I'd changed and was continuing to change and she'd give me, the person who she swore in front of all our family and friends that she'd be with till death do us part, another chance.

I drove, this morning, all the way to where she lives, giving her the opportunity to come and see me, to talk, to look at me, to see what I was. Did I think she'd come? Yes. Did she come? No. I've concluded that I'm just an idiot.

She wouldn't have text me if she wasn't serious about giving us another chance. Why would she? It would just be prolonging it. So up I jumped this morning when I finally turned my phone on and wow! She's text me. Shouldn't have turned the pissing thing on. I'd be fine now, instead of wanting to punch something really, really hard. I wish I had a punch bag at times like these. Perhaps I'll invest in one.

She told me that she has some serious thinking to do, and she needs to do it alone. That's fine, fair enough. I said I'd still wait, in case she changed her mind, and that the dog, who I'd brought with me, wanted to see her. So then, she throws 'change' at me. I thought you said you'd changed, you said you'd give me space and you're not. Brilliant, way to hit a girl in the gullet.

I asked her how long I'm expected to wait until she'd made her decision. I don't know, was the reply.

Brilliant.

My mum once said to me a few years ago that I was dangling myself like a carrot. I said I'd go and visit and then change my mind at the last minute. It was a fair comment, and I've made a concious effort ever since to never to that again. That saying really got me, and it's stuck with me ever since. Now whenever I say I'm going to see her I make sure that I do, or if I do change, I make sure I go next time. That saying constantly ringing in my ears.

I feel like that's what she's doing. I'm doing everything possible to make her life easier, to change every aspect of myself which isn't good. So that we can be together again.

And she's just dangling herself like a carrot, in front of me, then when I feel I'm getting close, she takes it away.

She may need time to think about what she wants, and whether me in her life is included in that. But I can't be expected to wait forever.

Sad thing is, I probably will.

I Feel Like Such A Fool

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 17:09:00 +0000

I thought I was getting somewhere. I thought that she was beginning to see that I could change, but she's not. She doesn't care about us. I know that now.

I can't keep hanging on hope that isn't there. I got told it wasn't fair, and I said I could deal with it, but I can't. I give up. For now at least. It's just too painful. I can't keep pouring my heart into something that's not there. I need to deal with these feelings instead of praying that we get back together and they go away.

I know this sounds like I'm in a bad place, and to be honest I am, but not that bad. So my family and friends can stop worrying. I'm bound to have bad days, and this is one. I'm sure it's got something to do with tomorrow.

I thought that if she came here for a drink we'd have fun and I dunno. It just feels like everyone else is more important than me right now.

I have to stop looking for something that isn't there. I just wish she'd tell me straight.

We can't be friends, I know that now. Not now anyway. Maybe in the future, when everything is weird and awkward. But not now, because I read into everything. The way she speaks to me, agreeing to see me, spending time with me, everything, and I can't do it. I just can't.

I hope tomorrow goes quickly, I won't be rushing out of bed for it. I hope it passes without me noticing. That's my Christmas wish.

Have I Blown It?

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 20:36:00 +0000

She came over today, it was meant to be a chance for me to show her that I've changed, and am still changing. I'd never say I've already changed, that would be ridiculous, but I've began changing and I'll continue to work on that. Anyway, we began painting my room, it was good, we were listening to music, it felt normal, no awkwardness. Then she got tired, she said she hadn't been sleeping well. So I suggested we take a break and watch some telly. We did, and then we started talking.

I feel like I pushed her too much, she told me she felt like I was pressuring her. That wasn't meant to happen. But I didn't know any other way to try to get my point across. If we don't try, if we don't try and work on our marriage, from separate houses, back to seeing each other a couple of times a week, so we can get that magic back, she'll never know how far I'm prepared to go for her. And I need her to know that. I need her to know how far I'm prepared to go, for the woman of my life. For the love of my life.

She said she'd think about it, and I asked her whether I'd pushed it too far, and if I'd blown it, she said no. But I'm not so sure. I feel like I need her to just jump in and see what happens, rather than analysing it and looking at all the negative points. If she just looks to see how it could be good if certain things were changed then I think she'd enjoy herself, if she relaxed and stopped worrying about it going back to how it was, I think she'd enjoy being 'newlyweds' again.

There's nothing more I can say or do to persuade her. But I just need her to give me a shot. She's got nothing to lose. And everything to gain.

I want to go travelling with her, I want to see the world with her. See the beauty and compare it to her; show her that nothing is more beautiful than her.

I also let her read my blog, and I'm about to facebook her the link so she can read it whenever she likes. She said it hadn't scared her off, I told her I was worried about her running a mile and she said she wouldn't.

I'm seeing her tomorrow for my nephew's present giving, and I'm worried that it'll be the last time. If she doesn't give me a second chance. I'm terrified, I have a knot in my stomach the size of a melon - this compared to the excitement I get when I'm going to see her is not nice!

Mummy's Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Sat, 22 Dec 2012 19:34:00 +0000

Today is my mum's birthday, we went out for a meal with my Nanny & Pampy to Frankie & Benny's; I've never been there before and it was really nice. I had a 7oz rump steak and chips, then a chocolate fudge cake for dessert and a woo woo to drink!

This morning my mum took me shopping to get some bits for my room. She took me shopping and bought me stuff on her birthday! She's nice like that.

I didn't make the cookies today, I thought they'd be better if I made them fresh in the morning, nothing better than warm gooey chocolate cookies!

Not a lot has happened today really, although I did find the most amazing pants in the world! Calvin Klein girls boxers, which have the band at the top and everything! I have ordered a pair and if I like them, I'll be ordering all the colours when they have my size back in stock. They're amazing.

I wish my stomach was like that though!

I have also organised my first night out in about 5 years, going to a pub to see a comedy show. I really need to find a way to meet new people; people that don't remind me of her. Not really sure how to go about doing that though when I don't really like clubbing and going out drinking.

I'm hesitant about tomorrow, I had a bit of the anger stage today, where I though fuck it, why should I bother trying to do nice things for her when she doesn't seem to give a shit about me? I don't really see the point in me trying my hardest if it's not going to get me anywhere. I don't think we'll be able to be friends. I'll always be there for her if she needs me, but I don't think I could see her on a regular basis as friends. That would be too hard. I may have realised that I don't need her. But that doesn't stop me from wanting her.

Ah well, tomorrow is another day!

I'm Not Sure This Is Going To Work

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 20:10:00 +0000

Ugh, today has been one of those days.

It has just felt, more, I don't know, lonely. This feeling isn't very nice. I'm still alright, just having one of those days.

I text her earlier, asking if she was looking forward to seeing me on Sunday, she said she is and she isn't. Brilliant, how am I supposed to know what the hell that means? So, I ask her, she says, she's looking forward to seeing me, because she wants to be friends, but she's not because she's worried I'm reading too much into it. W.T.F?

I'm just having one of the days where I can't see how the hell she can just up and leave, and in 2 weeks, everything is fine and we're friends. I'm terrified now, that if I let her read my blog, which was never meant to be the plan, she's going to cut all ties to stop me from 'trying'. I don't want to not see her, I don't want to not talk to her, I don't want to not text her. I've seen her twice in 2 weeks. Once to hand over her stuff, and once to awkwardly walk the dog. There's been no chance for us to talk properly. There's been no chance to reconcile. Is that what she wants? She told me when she left, after a number of begging texts and phone calls, that if she came back I'd persuade her to stay and things would be ok for a few months and then they'd go back to how they were. So why is she not offering me a chance to prove her wrong? Is she scared that she'll be unhappy? Is it because that's not what she wants? Is it because she doesn't know what she wants?

I'd rather have her as my girlfriend and see her a couple of times a week, while she's living on some blokes sofa than have her back here and her become unhappy. Surely that would be enough to show her that I'm determined not to go back to my old ways? Surely, if she loves me, she'd be willing to do that? I'm frightened that if I propose this to her, show her my blog etc. she'll run a mile. Then what chance do I have to show her that I've changed? I don't know whether to take it slow and see if something happens, or to lay it all on the table and risk losing her altogether.

All I do know, is that I've got one day to decide.

Tomorrow I will post a picture of my cookies and the recipe. I think they're going to be amazing.

Talk About Rollercoaster

noreply@blogger.com (Mrs and Mrs Murder) — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 22:20:00 +0000

It was put to me tonight, that it might be a good idea to let her read the blog. I know people are worried that we're on different pages; they're worried that I'm reading too much into what she's doing, and they're worried she's being overly nice if she doesn't want to get back with me.

So anyway, I reread my blogs. It really shows just how much of a roller coaster this ride has been already, and it's only been 2 weeks - 1 week in blogland.

So basically tonight's post is for her, I'm going to let her read my blog on Sunday, when she is with me, so I can explain anything that she's confused about.

To my Angel,

I'm writing this to you so that you can understand what I'm thinking, so you can understand how I hope things will work out; and so that you understand that I want you to continue being as natural as you already are - I don't want you to force distance if that's not what you want because you think that's how it should be. As I've already told you several times; we're different, there is no protocol when it comes to us - and I don't want there to be. That's why we worked so well for 7 years, unfortunately, I let life and my own feelings of depression to cloud my view of my wonderful life.

First off, I want to tell you things that I should've done; this way, you'll know that I truly understand what went wrong - and if there's more - I want you to tell me.

Our life had become stagnant. When you were suggesting that we begin looking for a place of our own to live, I put it off, for my own selfish insecurities. I stopped looking at 'our' life, our life together, our life which had come to a standstill. I should've been constantly looking for ways for us to progress together.
I had stopped making an effort with myself; therefore with us, and therefore, as ashamed as I am to say it, I stopped making an effort with you. I lost sight of what I had, of what I wanted, of what we wanted.
I should've been more of an active participant in our life. I was the weaker one, and you the strong one. That should never have happened. We should always be an equal role. You should never have felt like my mother; and I should never have treated you like a 5 year old.
I should have been more focused on making you happy, on making us happy, instead of my own happiness. For some reason; I had become convinced that I was weak, that I was delicate and I'm not - I have proved that, to myself, and to everyone else. I will not break, I am stronger than I thought I was, stronger than anyone thought I was.
I should've kept writing you love letters; when I write, when we write, we express things that we're not able to express in everyday life. I always told you you were beautiful and I always told you I loved you - but I stopped explaining why. I stopped explaining why I love you, and why you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and because I stopped telling you, I stopped knowing those reasons - never again will I let that happen.

I want to tell you how much I've changed in only 2 weeks but to be honest I want you to see that for yourself. I will tell you how I'm going to make sure I keep up those changes; and how and why I will never allow myself back in that place that I was in, that we were in.

The first few things are meaningless to most, but I know they mean a lot to you and me. So everyone else will have to put up with me for a minute!

When I make a cigarette, I make 6 - three for me and three for you. I know that if I start making myself one at a time; when you offer me one; I will take it; and that would lead to you making the fags all the time again. If I continue to make 6, even when it's just me, I'll never let you make all the fags - ever again.
When I want a cup of tea, I just get up and make it, I don't wait for dad or someone else to want one; I get up and I make it myself. I'm not expecting to do it every time we have a drink - but I will do my fair share.
At dinner time, if you've been at work all day; I will make it; I will think about what you might want; or discuss it with you and then make it. It should never have been your 'job' to cook dinner every night.

Another big thing that these two weeks have made me realise is that I need my independence, just like you need yours. I relied on you to always be there; to order my tablets; to come shopping with me every time, to come to all my appointments - that wasn't fair. I can manage them on my own. I can go shopping without you. And I can do something else when you go out; when you want to visit a friend; or go shopping with them. When you want to go out at night, I can just go to sleep, instead of waiting for you and forcing an argument. That was selfish, stupid and just plain immature. There was just no need for some of the things I did, and it was because I wasn't consciously thinking about my actions.

I shouldn't have relied upon you financially; I know the last few years I haven't been well enough for work; but I should've done something about that. I should've actively thought about what I could do to better myself and just bloody done it. In the new year, when the schools go back; I am going to get a full time job. I am going to be a teaching assistant - and if that leads me back to being a teacher, great. You, my angel, told me a few weeks ago that you didn't like your job, but we needed your job because it was good money - you said it didn't matter that you didn't like your job, because although mine didn't bring in a lot of money, I enjoyed it. That isn't fair. Thank you for thinking like that, it's really thoughtful of you - but that isn't how things work. If we both have a job that we enjoy, full time; we will make enough money.

And finally, because I've realised all these things that have been right in front of my face this entire time; I'm happier. I'm happy that I'm more independent. I'm happy that I have some time to be alone, to just be me. I'm actually enjoying being self reliant and making my own cigarettes and my own tea. It was easy for me to sit back and let you take on the bulk of the work; but that wasn't fair. I will not do that again, this I promise you.

I understand now that we need our own space; you need to be able to go out with your own friends; and I need to be able to do things independently without feeling like I need you holding my hand. That is too much responsibility to place on anyone, let alone someone who is your world.

I hope, as much is humanly possible, that you see these changes; and that you see the girl you fell in love with all those years ago. She didn't go anywhere, she just got a little lost along the way. I hope that you see a happier me, a me who wants nothing more than to make you happy. I hope you see someone who is intent on getting the life we dreamed about back on track. How it should be, an equal partnership.

I know that you're worried, I know that you're frightened that I will slip back into my old ways, which is why, publicly, I have a proposition for you.

I propose that we spend a little time together, I propose that we try and find what it was that we lost. I propose that we give ourselves that chance to fall back into love with each other. There is nothing that I want more in the world. If it takes 6 months, a year, I will be there. I will always be there for you. Living separately, seeing each other a couple of times a week, as girlfriends, I think we'll find the love that has always been there. We can go slow - see each other once, twice a week to start. We can go fast and see each other everyday. But I agree with you that we need to live apart. We need time to miss each other, we need time to think, damn I miss her, I really want to see her.

There is something special between us. I have never met someone who understands me like you do. I have never known anyone who I understand as much as I do you. I have never known two people to be so similar; to enjoy the same things - we found that in each other. I just lost sight of who I was. I love comedy, I love music, I love playing hidden object games with you. I love going out, as a couple to do things, I love just being alone with you and snuggling. I love watching scary films with you. I love watching Disney films with you. I love singing along with you in the car; be it to the radio or a kids CD. I love seeing you look good, and I love it when you tell me I look good. I love being able to send a message saying I love you to you, and I love hearing you say it. I love walking the dog with you. I love playing bingo with you. I'm no longer scared of going out with you and having a drink - because I was scared of us arguing, and now I see we have nothing to argue about - if I think about what I do before I do it, which I must admit I'm getting pretty good at, I won't worry about you texting a boy, why should I? I trust you explicitly, I know that if you say you love me, and I have nothing to worry about - then there is nothing to worry about. I know that if you want to go out and dance with a boy, there is nothing in it. Because at the end of the night, if you're coming home to me; or sending me a message saying you love me and you're safe, that's all that matters.

I am so sorry that I lost sight of what is important. I am so sorry that I let you take all of the burden and responsibility. And I am so sorry that it took you leaving for me to realise what I had, what we had.

I hope this helps you to see that there is nothing I want more in this world than to make you happy; there is nothing I want more in this world than for us to start again. Start a new us, a better us, an us with all the best points of before and all the better points of the future.

I'll love you until the end of time, I just hope that you believe me, that you believe in me, that you believe in us.

This is my heart, presented on a silver platter, it's yours to keep.

All my love darling, forever and ever, and men.