Rolling The Ball~

This Is The End..........

2010-07-19T18:28:00.000-04:00

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah........

Week One: Stats On My Walking

2010-05-06T18:06:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was day 7, the end of the first week of walking. I feel pretty good about yesterday as I bested a personal record set just 5 days prior....in fact the whole week has been record breaking for me as I've never walked so much before and I'm actually kind of liking it. I have kept with it, rain or shine, early in the morning and late in the evening and everything in between.... So, here are the stats!

Day 1- Thursday, April 29th: 197 lbs. starting weight, 6.87 miles walked, 463 calories burned.

Day 2- Friday, April 30th: 10.24 miles walked, 1092 calories burned, 18,025 steps of which 12,494 were aerobic

Day 3- Saturday, May 1st: 198.4 lbs (I figured the pain must weigh AT LEAST 5lbs, right??) 9.45 miles walked, 963 calories burned, 11,066 steps of which 6,636 were aerobic.

Day 4- Sunday, May 2nd: 10.12 miles walked, 1120 calories burned, 17,824 steps of which 15,442 were aerobic

Day 5- Monday, May 3rd: 199.2 lbs (the scale and I had it out 2 days prior and if I got my translation correct 199.2 is scale for "fuck you, fatty!", I assured her the frozen pizza meant nothing to me but she wasn't having it...needless to say we are no longer on speaking terms) 8.68 miles walked, 882 calories burned, 15,285 steps of which 5106 were aerobic

Day 6- Tuesday, May 4th: this was NOT a good day! I figured since the scale had accused me of cheating I would just have an outright fast food orgy and, I am embarrassed to say, I was quite bad....I will admit to you that on this day I ate 2 $1 menu chicken sandwiches from Burger King, a dbl. cheeseburger from BK, 2 McDoubles and an apple pie from McDonald's...but hey, I DID order the DIET soda! I walked a pathetic 1.68 miles this day and I'm sure most of that was inside Wal-Mart looking for tin foil and fly paper.....tail between my legs ;(

Day 7- Wednesday, May 5th: Determined to atone for my gross overeating and lack of walking I hit a personal all time best of just over 11 miles! (however, I wrote down my stats early so as not to forget, so I will be listing the official numbers written) 10.7 miles walked, 1095 calories burned, 18,877 steps of which 14,472 were aerobic

Weekly Totals:

Miles Walked: 57.74 (I was really hoping to have hit @ least 60 but I will be happy with this number as it's the best I have ever done and I'm proud of that)

Calories Burned: 5615 (this might about cover my menu from Tuesday....ugh!)

And now for your free download to add some pep to your own walking mix....after the jump!

This was one of my faves I walked to this week, great beat, got me really moving! Click the down arrow on the Mp3 player to download the song and add to your walking mix!

"Galvanize" is the first single from The Chemical Brothers' 2005 album Push the Button. It was released a week before the album's release and peaked at #3 in the UK charts (see 2005 in music). It won the Grammy Award for Best Dance Recording in February 2006.

The track features a distinct Moroccan string sample from Najat Aatabou's song "Just Tell Me the Truth". The main hook of the song is in an unusual 6/4 time signature. The track also features rapping by Q-Tip (formerly of A Tribe Called Quest). In part of the song, a sample from their early single Leave Home plays.

This Week in Holy Crimes: Via Joe.My.God

2010-05-03T10:45:00.001-04:00

Over the last seven days...

Ohio: Pastor James A. Blaine charged with embezzling more than $100K from his church.

California: Pastor Jeffrey Allen Waisner sentenced to three years in prison for sex with a 14 year-old girl.

Texas: Pastor Jerod Rost charged with felony assault on a 13 year-old boy over a football argument between the boy and Rost's son.

Washington: Pastor Michael Louis Anthony charged with child rape for affair with 15 year-old girl.

New Jersey: Rabbi Eliahu Ben Haim confesses on tape to multimillion dollar money laundering scheme.

Maryland: Pastor Jerry Bartley charged with 70 felony counts for molesting a six year-old girl. Bartley was already accused of molesting a 13 year-old boy.

Utah: Pastor William J. Blanscet sentenced to three months in jail for exposing himself over webcam to an undercover officer he thought was an underage girl.

Kentucky: Pastor Daniel Gabbard sentenced to 20 years in prison for DUI homicide.

Italy: Father Ruggero Conti on trial for molesting seven boys. Conti's bishop has admitted that he knew of the accusations years ago but did nothing.

Latvia: Vicar Agris Levalds charged with molesting numerous orphan boys, some of whom are mentally challenged.

Brazil: Father Jose Afonso charged with molesting eight altar boys.

This Week's Winner
Missouri: Father Gerald Howard has been indicted on eight felony counts of child molestation and kidnapping. Howard entered the priesthood as Carmine Sita, but after numerous accusations of child molestation, he was sent to a secret rehab clinic for Catholic priests and was then reassigned by his bishop to a new parish under a changed name. Howard was arrested this week at his New Jersey home and awaits extradition to Missouri, where he faces multiple life sentences.

(via Joe.My.God)

Am I A Big Loser? : Spring Weight Loss Challenge From RTB~

2010-04-29T12:42:00.006-04:00

Ok fellow fatty's, spring has sprung and the weather is beautiful and I'm dying to fit into my 33w shorts come June! So I am challenging myself to lose a minimum of 17lbs. in the next 6 weeks....and you're all invited to take the journey with me! I have weighed myself today prior to eating anything and w/out clothing (I know, not a visual you wanted, but hey it had to be done) so I could get an accurate reading and stop fudging the numbers based on what I THOUGHT my clothes weighed.

I am starting this challenge at a current weight of 197lbs. which to be honest I'm not horribly broken up about as a starting point because at least I'm under the 200 mark....but I'm determined to get to 180lbs. or lower dammit!

I know I'll never have a Calvin Klein underwear body or 6 pack abs but I at least want a flat(ish) stomach and to avoid needing to shop for a training bra before my daughter does!

I will be putting fresh batteries in my pedometer and tracking my mileage and weighing myself e/o day and giving weekly progress reports on the blog. Who's with me!!??

Pix of my flabby ass body (if you dare) after the jump...blech! But I wanted a visual record to accompany my progress...

UPDATE: I must tell you having the motivation is KEY and for me that comes in the form of a great mix of music...so I think having the right tunes is imperative for success and to that end I will be posting a weekly "must have" song for your walking mix! This week's song comes to you from a 1987 one off collaboration of 4ad artists A.R. Kane & Colourbox calling themselves MARRS, the song, "Pump Up The Volume", kicks major ass & is considered the first UK number one to contain samples from other songs....it was nominated for a Grammy in 1989. Enjoy after the jump! (I have included the original video and below that is an Mp3 player on which the far right side is an arrow pointing down so you can download the track & add to your iPod or burn to cd! I will attempt to do this w/ each song so you can listen to what I am to stay motivated!)
Here's me Day 1 of my challenge, weighing in @ 197lbs.

RTB~ Exclusive!! : NEW OMD "Sister Mary (demo)"

2010-04-26T11:37:00.002-04:00

Here is your EXCLUSIVE first listen to the brand new OMD track from their forthcoming 11th studio album The History Of Modern, due later this year.

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (often abbreviated to OMD) are a synthesiser group whose founding members are originally from the Wirral Peninsula, England. OMD record for Virgin Records (originally for Virgin's Dindisc Records subsidiary). The group was founded in 1978 by Andy McCluskey and Paul Humphreys. Adding Malcolm Holmes and Martin Cooper by the end of 1980, this quartet (with occasional line-up fluctuations) was the core of the outfit until 1989, when Humphreys, Cooper and Holmes all left OMD to found The Listening Pool.

McCluskey then retained the OMD name and continued to record and tour as OMD with new line-ups through 1996. Though McCluskey essentially retired the OMD name in 1996, shortly thereafter Humphreys began playing live shows as OMD with other musicians on an as-needed basis, but without McCluskey. Then in late December, 2005, OMD's official website announced a forthcoming reformation of the 'classic' 1980s line-up (Humpheys/McCluskey/Cooper/Holmes), both for live performances and for a new studio album. This reformed quartet began touring in 2007, and further successful sold out tours took place in 2008 and 2009. To date OMD have sold over 11 million albums.

This Week in Holy Crimes: Via Joe.My.God

2010-04-26T10:25:00.003-04:00

Over the last seven days...

Maryland: Pastor Jerry Darnell Bartley charged with molesting a 13 year old boy.

Maine: Pastor Colin Haag and his wife arrested for kidnapping his wife's children from their biological father.

Wisconsin: The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP) has filed a 55-page lawsuit against the Pope for shielding the crimes of pedophile priests.

Tennessee: Father Bill Casey arrested for molesting a 10 year old boy.

Brazil: Monsignor Luiz Marques Barbosa arrested on multiple counts of child molestation.

Wisconsin: Pastor Leonard Van Vlaenderen charged with embezzling from his church.

Indiana: Court rules that Father Francis Markey can be extradited to Ireland to face charges of child molestation.

Alaska: Pastor Shawn Anthony Justice charged with 12 counts of sexual abuse of a female minor.

Wisconsin: Pastor John West charged with conspiracy to sell heroin.

Texas: Pastor Robert John Weber charged with ten counts of sexual
assault on a 15 year old girl.

Indiana: Pastor Ernest M. Beal Jr charged with stealing the trust funds of residents of the group home for mentally challenged adults that he manages.

Illinois: Father Alejandro Flores charged with molesting an 8 year old boy. Flores is already in jail awaiting trial for molesting the boy's older brother.

Ireland: Father Eugene Lewis charged with 11 counts of sexual assault on three pre-teen sisters.

Belgium: Bishop Roger Vangheluwe has resigned after confessing to child molestation.

This Week's Winner
Utah: Pastor Kris Lounsbury has been charged with two counts of rape and aggravated sexual abuse of a ten year old girl. Lounsbury was a GOP candidate for Congress in 2006, running on a platform of abolishing the income tax, deporting illegal immigrants, abolishing the United Nations, and fighting LGBT rights laws. In January 2009 he posted a recording of a sermon calling for imprecatory prayer curses against President Obama. In the linked clip, Lounsbury rails against the repeal of DADT, saying that "you have no idea how vicious these homosexuals can be."
(Via Joe.My.God)

Annie Gives Back: "Universal Child"

2010-04-24T10:50:00.000-04:00

From American Idol's "Idol Gives Back" episode this week comes this stellar performance of a new song called "Universal Child" by the incomparable Annie Lennox. Annie has proven over the years that not only is she a unique, one in a million talent, but a giving, compassionate soul.

Annie was due to perform on the show live, but due to the volcanic activity in Iceland earlier this month she was unable to travel but was beamed in via satellite for the performance. (enjoy the track, beginning @ the 4:36 mark, after the jump)

NEW Single From Sarah McLachlan: "Loving You Is Easy"

2010-04-24T08:34:00.005-04:00

File under: IT'S ABOOT FUCKING TIME!! After years of remixes, repackaging, re-releasing, live versions, etc... of the same old, same old, Canadian songstress Sarah McLachlan is BACK with her first new material in over 7 years!

Hailing from her upcoming 7th studio album, The Laws of Illusion (set to drop June 15), "Loving You Is Easy" is a happy, piano based tune extolling the virtues of, well, love... It's full of the kind of imagery and feeling one experiences in that honeymoon period of a new relationship....butterflies, anticipation, and RTB~ is LOVING it!

Sarah has got some big shoes to fill as Fumbling Towards Ecstasy is easily one of the greatest albums to come out of the 90's (because I said so!), and her lyrical masterpiece "Fallen" from 2003's Afterglow has gotten me through some of the darkest moments in my life...so I have the highest of hopes both musically and lyrically for the new album and I'm sure she wont disappoint! (enjoy the new track after the jump)

Happy Birthday: John Waters King Of Bad Taste

2010-04-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

Rolling The Ball~ would like to extend a very special Happy Birthday to the greatest filmmaker of a generation and the filthiest man alive...John Waters!

John Samuel Waters. (born April 22, 1946) is an American filmmaker, actor, writer, journalist, visual artist and art collector, who rose to fame in the early 1970s for his transgressive cult films. Waters's 1970s and early '80s trash films feature his regular troupe of actors known as Dreamlanders—among them Divine, Mink Stole, David Lochary, Mary Vivian Pearce, and Edith Massey—often committing cinematic crimes. Starting with Desperate Living (1977), Waters began casting real-life convicted criminals (Liz Renay, Patricia Hearst) and infamous people (Traci Lords, a former porn star).

Waters's early campy movies present filthily lovable characters in outrageous situations with hyperbolic dialogue. Pink Flamingos, Female Trouble, and Desperate Living, which he labeled the Trash Trilogy, pushed hard at the boundaries of conventional propriety and movie censorship. A particularly notorious scene from Pink Flamingos, simply added as a non sequitur to film's end, featured—in one continuous take without special effects—a small dog defecating and Divine eating its feces.

Happy 64th, John...keep it filthy!

I'm Betty White, Bitch!: Betty White Lines

2010-04-21T14:11:00.001-04:00

I really wasn't going to post anything today...but after I got tipped to this by one of my fave bloggers, Joe Jervis @ Joe.My.God, I simply cound NOT resist! Not only is Betty just fab but the parody of one of my favorite rap songs ever "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash by the St. Olaf Glee Club is truly awesome! So enjoy after the jump! (dedicated to my #1 bitch, SES, because he just LOVES him some Betty AND I have him to thank for introducing me to White Lines over 20 yrs. ago...damn, you're old!)

Business Sign FAIL!: Lunch Anyone?

2010-04-20T19:36:00.000-04:00

Now, I don't know how much 60/- is in USD, or how big a 500ml cock is, but it sounds like a hell of bargain to me!

(Via Engrishfunny.com)

Your Summer Jam: Andy Bell "Will You Be There?"

2010-04-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

"Will You Be There? (French Horn Rebellion Mix)" is the brand new track from Erasure vocalist Andy Bell's upcoming 2nd solo effort titled "Non Stop" set for release March 25th. Listen after the jump...

Tipped by Joe.My.God

Will You Be There?

by Andy Bell

Today In Weird Wiki Pages: Death Erections

2010-04-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

Although, I prefer the term "Angel Lust", (it has a very nice sound to it, don't you think?) It sounds a hell of a lot nicer than what it actually is! To learn more about this strange phenomenon click here...Just be careful the next time you decide to partake of a wank with a rope tied around your throat...you don't want the cleaning lady to find you with one of these!

Just The Tip Tuesday W/ Robert Verdi : Having Good Manners

2010-04-20T10:03:00.001-04:00

Finally....I'm back on track & getting "Just The Tip Tuesday" posted ON Tuesday, bitches! Here are some fabulous good manner tips from our beloved Robert Verdi...enjoy the clip after the jump.

Music: New Releases

2010-04-20T09:43:00.001-04:00

To be quite honest, there's not a whole lot I'm excited about in the new releases this week....below are the very few I found noteworthy:

Caribou "Swim": With its absorption of club culture sounds weaved within subtle pop frameworks, Swim is Caribou's masterpiece the record he's wanted to bring to fruition for as long as he's been making music. A Canadian from small-town Ontario now based in England, Snaith has been a leading figure in electronic music over the past decade. He surprised critics and fans with 2007's Andorra, a brilliant, electro-tinged pop breakthrough with a timeless grace that made most year-end "Best of" lists and won Canada's prestigious Polaris Music Prize.

Shelby Lynne "Tears, Lies And Alibis": With Tears, Lies, and Alibis the follow-up to 2008's Just A Little Lovin' and the first release on her own label, Everso Records, Shelby Lynne affirms her position as a visionary, iconoclastic artist who deftly weaves country, soul, rock, blues, pop and folk influences to forge her own unique style. Like Identity Crisis (2003) and Suit Yourself (2005), this sparse, unguarded collection was produced by Lynne, who evokes a live-in-the-studio vibe from a stellar group of musicians.

Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin "Je T'aime moi non": Digitally remastered edition of this 1969 classic from French singer, songwriter and entertainer Serge Gainsbourg and his muse, British vocalist and actress Jane Birkin. Without a doubt, Gainsbourg is agent provocateur and Gallic soul brother #1. His sensual work is championed by all in the know and still resonates quite frankly in these sexually exaggerated times. The album Jane Birkin And Serge Gainsbourg (often referred to as Je t'aime moi non plus) now comes with a 32 page booklet with new liner notes, original artwork, and English/French lyrics.

(Listen to the sexiest song EVER recorded...)

On that note I'm going to stop, my heart's not really in this at the moment....sorry. If I hear of anything truly worthy, I will of course post it here for you.

Vicious Eye Candy: Kelis "Acapella"

2010-04-19T12:58:00.003-04:00

I meant to post this weeks ago when I first saw it but just never got around to it. "Acapella" is the latest from Kelis (of "Milkshake" fame) from her forthcoming album titled "Flesh Tone" (how fucking stupid, right?!)due out July 6th. The song is produced by David Guetta and the video, shot in LaLa Land, is directed by Brits Chris Cottam and the phenomenal fashion photog, Rankin.

I love the whole tribal vibe she's got going on through much of the video and I also think she is appropriately rocking the Givenchy spike headband as well...not many can pull off that look! And I think if you even TRY, it should be mandatory that you be sporting the head to pedicured toe gold body paint or don't even waste my time! (do you hear me SJP?!)

I wanted to dedicate this post to those who continue to support my blogging endeavors and take the time to leave comments (special shouts to LF, girl, that Givenchy link is for you!) it really means a lot...so thank you! Enjoy the vid after the jump. UPDATE: I have changed the title of this post since I have declared the word "Fierce" to be over...dead...Vicious is the new Fierce! Now, back to your regularly scheduled post....RTB~ out.

This Week in Holy Crimes: Via Joe.My.God

2010-04-18T18:49:00.000-04:00

This Week In Holy Crimes

Over the last seven days...

Kentucky: Pastor Prince Wilbert Woolfolk sentenced to 20 years for raping a teenage girl.

Virginia: Presbyterian missionary Eun Tae Lee charged with embezzling $700K from his church.

Massachusetts: Father William Ventura busted in Craigslist prostitution sting.

New York: Rabbi Baruch Lebovits sentenced to 10-32 years in prison for molesting teenage boy.

Colorado: Father Paul Montez accused of stalking teenage boy and plying him with gifts and trips.

New York: Pastor Humberto Cruz sentenced to 15 years for molesting three boys.

Texas: Pastor Curtis Otha Grant charged with 14 felony counts of molesting girls.

Colorado: Pastor James Smoker convicted of physically abusing a mentally-challenged adult in his care.

New Jersey: Accomplices of Rabbi Ben Haim plead guilty of multimillion dollar money laundering scheme involving counterfeit luxury handbags. Haim is expected to plead guilty as well.

Arizona: Father Dale Fushek pleads guilty of sexual assault on teenage boy. Fushek was accused of molesting seven boys, but in return for one guilty plea, the other charges were dropped.

New York: Father James McDevitt, charged with 20 counts of child molestation, is being sued by four of his alleged victims.

This Week's Winner-
The Pope has hired a Beverly Hills lawyer to defend the Vatican against charges that it enabled child molestations by shielding accused priests. Jeffrey Lena will appear before the Supreme Court to argue that it has no jurisdiction to try the Vatican for transferring a known molester priest from Ireland to Oregon. Lena has numerous similar cases pending in lower courts around the country.
{Via Joe.My.God}

Hysterical $lag Parody: Tik Tok On Chatroulette NSFW

2010-04-18T15:04:00.002-04:00

If you are anything like me (über fabulous with a wicked taste in music!) you will undoubtedly have as much disdain as I do for that autotuned slag Ke$ha! I mean, what a total fucking waste of space! She is not only not cute (see below) but the bitch couldn't sing her way out of a paper bag if her life depended on it. How she ever got a record deal is beyond comprehension (I'm sure she pulled a train at some industry party full of pervy old men) So of course I was very happy to have come across this fabulous and very NSFW parody some guy did while on Chatroulette he really nails it and somehow I find this much better than the original, go figure Watch after the jump....And if you need further proof of how stab your ears bad she is, check out her "performance" from last night's SNL HERE.

Get Yer Freak On!

2010-04-18T09:37:00.002-04:00

I often go through periods of nostalgia and longing for the magical decade of the 70's, a wonderful time of shag carpet, polyester, bell bottoms and of course some of the best music EVER! Well, the other night I was visiting a friend and happened to notice a magnet in his kitchen that brought back some memories....it was Boss Moss from Freakies cereal! Memba that?! I do and I also remember some of the awesome prizes you'd get inside the box and I wanted that magnet so damn bad! For a moment I contemplated swiping that thing as I coveted it so....but I'm a good boy and the angel on my shoulder prevailed.(UPDATE: Upon further reflection I'm thinking I SHOULD have swiped that magnet...this was the same person who called me chub! ~see earlier post~ I'll show you, fuck face...that magnet is so mine next time I come over!) But here's a throwback for you fellow fab kids of the 70's! A Freakies cereal commercial montage & history of the cereal after the jump....woo hoo!

Freakies was a brand of sweetened breakfast cereal produced by Ralston and sold in the United States. The cereal entered the marketplace in 1973 and was taken off the shelves in 1975. That same year Ralston sold the remaining toys that were to be inserted into the now defunct cereal to a company that supplied Dime and Grocery stores vending machines. For years you were still able to get Freakies figures for .25 and the turn of a knob. The Freakies were made up of seven creatures named Hamhose, Gargle, Cowmumble, Grumble, Goody-Goody, Snorkeldorf and the leader BossMoss.

In the mythology of the Freakies, the seven went in search of the legendary Freakies Tree which grew the Freakies cereal. They found the Tree, realized the legend was true, and promptly took up residence in the Tree which then became the backdrop for all the TV spots and package back stories.

Sex Sells: New Nail Polish For Your Inner Skank!

2010-04-17T18:08:00.002-04:00

BleachBlack's New Nail Polish Color Is Called Jizz...

Never ones to beat around the bush, Kristin and Valerie of BleachBlack have come out with the second nailpolish color to follow their offering for the holiday season, Dickweed. A pearly, milky white, Jizz pretty much looks like what it's supposed to—but unpleasant imagery aside, the hue has both a punk and a feminine slant with the all-white shade glossed up with a bit of a sheen. We'll let you know when it's up for sale, just be careful not to swallow!

I know what I'll be sporting on my digits this summer!

Maybe He's A Chubby Chaser?

2010-04-17T01:36:00.000-04:00

I just got called a chub. Now, what the fuck!? I mean I am not in the best shape of my life, but @ 5 11" & approx 190 something (I always deduct the necessary pounds I figure my clothes must weigh in order to come in under 200, as naturally one would....am I right?)

So, I'm sure this was not INTENDED as a slight....but c'mon, it's not exactly a compliment! I was always slender and I still am that fabulous 160 something I once was (in my minds eye)....I just figured someone had put up fun house mirrors everywhere and went about my day thinking I still look like I did when I was 21, sizes & labels be damned!

I even adopted the Skor candy bar slogan as my personal mantra...."You can never be too rich or too thin". It's vapid, I know, but I thought it was clever at 15 and I once was half that equation and I could still dream of being rich...Now nearing 40, I know better than to be so deluded and tonight I lost the "thin" part of what I thought I'd always have going for me. I am officially a fat bastard...a "chub"....

A "What The F**k Was I Thinking??!" Moment

2010-04-16T18:46:00.000-04:00

Ugh...so last night I was oot & aboot and had a wee bit of vodka and for some brilliant reason thought I'd swing by an ex's (unannounced drop by). Let's just say that wasn't the best idea I've ever had! I knocked on the door and they opened.... I said something fucktardish like "it's your worst nightmare" Well, joke's on me because it WAS one of mine and probably true for them....the ex had "company" already and it was apparent they weren't watching the news or trading tuna casserole recipes(wink, wink)

Jesus, did I feel like a complete fucking fool! Can you say AWKWARD!? I just don't understand why in the world when you have a fucking peep hole and can see who the hell is knocking BEFORE you answer you would choose @ this moment to answer for an ex when you're fixin' to get you some with a trick!

I'm hoping I can just pass it off as stopping by to get something I thought I had left there after our break up last July.

Kick A** Music: Cyndi Lauper "When You Were Mine"

2010-04-16T17:58:00.001-04:00

A Favorite song of mine from the Eighties....

"When You Were Mine", a cover of Prince's song that was later released as a promotional single in 1985. Lauper spent 1984 touring and promoting She's So Unusual. By the end of the year, she was the first female to have four consecutive Billboard Hot 100 Top Five hits from one album. The LP itself stayed in the Top 40 charts for more than 65 weeks and sold 16 million copies worldwide - more than 6 1/2 million in the United States alone. Watch Cyndi's American Music Awards performance of "When You Were Mine" after the jump.

Cyndi Lauper's cover version of "When You Were Mine".... Lauper did not change the pronoun gender in the song lyrics, which caused it to allude that the lost love to whom she is singing is having a new affair with another man. The single was released in Canada and Japan. Lauper performed the single at the 1985 American Music Awards. In the U.S., Lauper released it as a promo-only single and more recently in 2003 on "The Essential Cyndi Lauper"

Explosively Funny: The Best Thing You'll Read All Day

2010-04-16T17:23:00.002-04:00

I received the following story from my brother and just HAD to post this....probably the funniest thing I have read ever! Read the whole story after the jump.

Heaters

via Dilbert.com Blog on 16/04/10

[Warning: This post uses vulgar language because it involves the manly activity of assembling mechanical devices.]

"The other day I tried to assemble two outdoor heaters that Shelly and I bought online. This is exactly the sort of project I would pay someone else to do, if such a person existed. Specifically, what I need is a man with four testicles so that when we team up we have, on average, enough to get a job like this done.

Did I mention that the heaters use liquid propane? Or that they come with angry warnings guaranteeing you will die in a giant fireball? Maybe the manufacturer has to say that sort of thing for legal purposes, but I took it as a death threat. My fight-or-flight response went straight into overdrive. I picked up a screwdriver and started going all knife fight in every direction in case the heaters had accomplices...."

"...So, now imagine my complete lack of mechanical skill applied to a situation in which a mistake will catch my shirt on fire, but I won't care because by then the rest of me will be scattered among the neighbors' burning trees. That's the image running through my head as the beads of my sweat smeared the ink on the barely helpful heater assemble instructions.

At some point in a project like this, inevitably, I run out of patience with a screw that should go straight into a hole but insists on going all squirrelly. I suppose the proper method involves continuous trying until you are sure the screw is properly straight before tightening. My method involves getting pissed off on the 27^th attempt and then tightening the shit out of the screw until it is halfway in, like the Tower of Pisa, and the Phillips head is so stripped it looks like a tiny bowl. On most projects I have the option of simply living with my poor craftsmanship. With these heaters, one bad screw might be the difference between dying in a giant fireball and dying in an even gianter fireball.

The assembly directions estimated it would take 30 minutes. That's about how much time it took me to get everything out of the box, and to vacuum up the shitstorm of Styrofoam debris. I carefully arranged all of the pieces on the ping pong table and hoped something was missing so I could give up. But no luck, it was all there.

I have noticed that the people who write assembly directions often assume too much of the buyer. Those direction-makers have a lofty idea of my powers of deduction, assumption, and anticipation. But let me say to you direction-makers as clearly as I can: If you don't put it in the directions, I'm not going to fucking do it.

The gap between my literal interpretation of the directions and the proper assembly process soon became a problem. One component had an ever-so-slight bend, but seemed to fit no matter how you screwed it in. To my credit, I noticed after the sixth try that something wasn't quite right. But before I noticed, I stripped one screw in an attempt to make brute force a perfect substitute for proper assembly. That's when I noticed that the vendor shipped two extra screws for just that one part of the heater. In other words, I assume enough people had made the same mistake I did that some engineer decided to throw in a few spares. I guess that was cheaper than fixing the directions. Still, you can never be totally comfortable with leftover parts. No one wants his last words to be "I wonder why I have these two extra screws. OH GOD, NO! SHUT OFF THE VALVE! SHUT OFF THE..."

Amazingly, three hours into the project, I had assembled both heaters. Now I had to figure out how and where to buy the fuel tanks. Someone suggested Walmart, but I think you can see where this is headed. Walmart did indeed have some liquid propane fuel tanks, but I needed confirmation that they were suitable for my heaters.

Yeah, I tried to ask a technical question at Walmart.

Now, I don't want to say unkind things about the fine folks who work at Walmart. But I wouldn't object if you use your imagination to fill in the blanks. You might even want to get out of your chair and mime the expression and posture of the person to whom I asked my question. I'll bet your impression won't be far off. Anyway, since I didn't want to die because of something I learned at Walmart, I decided to try Home Depot.

You can ask a Home Depot employee just about anything and get a satisfying answer. I might ask, for example, "How many times would I need to pound this particular nail with a 3-pound hammer to get it in?" The Home Depot guy would look me in the eye and ask, "What kind of wood?" And then I might say, "There are different kinds of wood?" Then the Home Depot guy would put a tape measure around my forearm, shake his head, and say, "For you, about 435 hits." And he'd be right! So it was no surprise that he pointed me to exactly the right liquid propane tanks. As far as I know.

On the way home, I noticed that the minivan needed gas. I filled the tank and realized that along with the liquid propane bumping around in the back, I had enough explosives to take out a strip mall. All I needed was a spark. And the town was full of sparks. Sparks are pretty much everywhere. When a police car rolled by, all sparky, I tried to look as un-terrorist as possible, which is hard to do when you're sitting on a weapon of mass destruction and a turtle is trying to burrow out of your ass.

Back home, I carefully connected the tanks to the heaters, and followed the directions to use soapy water to test for gas leaks. The directions didn't say how much soapy water I was supposed to use, and I didn't want to err on the side of too little. I'm nervous that way. I just kept adding soap and checking for leaks. Shelly finally sent our dog into the giant soap mountain to find me and lead me to freedom.

The hardest part was trying to turn on the heaters. The process involves turning a knob several thousand times while absolutely nothing fucking happens. Except that maybe you are forming a giant invisible gas cloud around your general vicinity that will ignite if and when a spark is ever generated by all of your knob-turning. It's not a good place to be.

The directions even predict the product won't work. They include a workaround that involves sticking a lighter into a hole when all else fails. Finally, Shelly came out and offered to help. She had a theory about hearing some sort of hissing sound and guessing it meant something good was happening. While I could accept that hypothesis as being potentially correct, the competing hypothesis involved a giant fireball. So I split the difference and told her to explore that hypothesis while I positioned myself between the heater and the pool. I figured the explosion would propel me into the water and, with any luck, extinguish my flames.

But in the end, Shelly got the heaters started. Now I worry that the connections will come loose before we use them next time. I'll need to buy more soap."

Comments: Where the FU*K Are They!?

2010-04-15T08:38:00.001-04:00

So yes, I'm a theiving bastard without an original idea and I stole this post from another blog I read called "A White Chocolate Mess"....but he said it so well, and with a wicked sense of humor. So, here's what I'm plagiarizing (cheers, Mess!)

"Did you know that comments to a blogger are like applause to an actor, like dollar bills to a stripper? Well, act like you know! Good, bad or indifferent, we want to hear from you. And it's fun making up crazy ass names to sign your comments with."

So there you have it, bitches! I'm workin' the blogger pole so throw me some comment singles before I snap my lucite stiletto!!

Rolling The Ball~

This Is The End..........

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Heaters

Comments: Where the FU*K Are They!?

Hysterical $lag Parody: Tik Tok On Chatroulette NSFW