Two Hands Full

Close your eyes and jump

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 16 May 2014 20:24:00 +0000

It has been the culmination of a few years of hard work. Focusing on paying down debt and organizing finances. Surprisingly (to me anyhow) lots of mental and physical preparation. But it has all culminated in me finally giving my notice at my job. I am not quite done work yet. Still 2 weeks to go. I officially gave my notice 6 weeks ago and have been slowly training my replacement. He is pretty good now and I expect the next two weeks will be monitoring and housekeeping (and if you saw my office you know that I need a few days for the housekeeping part!).

This has been tough on me. Even though I don't particularly want my job, I am still finding it very hard to come to terms with the idea that I will have no job at all in a few weeks. I have always defined myself by my job. I took pride in the years I put in and the increasing levels of responsibility. But even with a cushy pay cheque and title I was never very happy. It was a false pride based on what others thought of me, not what I wanted for myself.

Even so, I have to admit I am nervous about the next few months. I have a plan for the first 3 months and I think that will help. I have given myself permission to be home no matter what for at least 3 months. That means that if we find life with only one income impossible or I hate it (which I doubt, but who knows) I have permission to stay home full time till at least September. Then I can re-evaluate and possibly look for part time or once again full time work. I am also giving myself permission to like not working. Which seems strange but is a bit of a mental block for me. Other than my 3 maternity leaves I haven't been without work since I was 15. It all feels very foreign to me and it will take some getting used to. Of course I won't just sit on my duff and do nothing. But I think the plans I have for my time will be the focus of another post.

So there you go. All those posts where I lamented trying to balance full time work and family life, and I finally did it. I quit. WHOA!

latest losing it in Ottawa post

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 14:32:00 +0000

Self Talk

just popped in my head

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Wed, 13 Nov 2013 20:24:00 +0000

When I spend a summer in Brazil I met a musician who spoke near perfect English. In the village we were living virtually no one spoke English. During our conversation he told us he taught himself how to speak English by emulating English language pop songs. Amazing eh! I guess we can do almost anything if we want it hard enough.

My latest losing it in Ottawa post

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 13:10:00 +0000

Highs and Lows

My latest Losing it in Ottawa post

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 18:23:00 +0000

Trying to keep perspective

This or that

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 19:58:00 +0000

I can never seem to get it all done:

If I work hard at cleaning my house on the weekend, I don't have time to do meal planning and prep cooking for the coming week.

If I work out in the evening I forget to plan for the next days supper.

Heck, if I am tired in the evening (right! right!?) I forget to plan for the next days supper.

If I remember to put a load of laundry in the washer in the evening, I am asleep before it is ready to go in the dryer. (I have been known to text my DH from bed asking him to please put load in dryer, crossing my fingers he checks his phone before bed).

If I do a bunch of meal planning and prepping on the weekend I don't get much housework done.

God help us is we decide to ignore all meal planning and cleaning and just hang with our kids all weekend long.

At the moment I don't have a to do list, mostly because I am in denial. I'm not the only one right?

A side project

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 13 Jun 2013 13:13:00 +0000

This week I starting contributing to the blog Losing It in Ottawa. I was finding it hard to write about fitness here on my blog, I wasn't sure it fit well. I could go on and on about fitness and my successes and (so far mostly) failures, and I think the Losing it blog is a better venue for that type of conversation. Please come visit me there if you wish, and join the conversation. There are some pretty amazing women writing about their diverse experiences. Interesting stuff.

where I am today

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 15 Mar 2013 15:54:00 +0000

It has been a few months of huge highs and low lows. I know what the problem is and very little will change until I can address it. I started reading a book called "Fire Starter Sessions" by Danielle Laporte. I have to admit that I haven't finished it yet. It was an ebook I borrowed from the library and very quickly it became apparent to me that I needed a paper version so I could scribble notes and do the tutorials. I must get my hands on that book. It is a guide to making it happen. Make what you want, become a reality. Make what I want for my life my reality. I think my lows are often when I feel like I can't wait anymore, I am growing more and more impatient with my current life. And the reality that making a change isn't as far away as it used to be, that makes me impatient. And I get frustrated and have pity parties and temper tantrums. Oh ya, fun to be around, that's me.

The exercising I have been doing has been helping level off my moods. It amazes me how powerful activity can be. It's effects on my mood are strong enough and so clearly noticeable that I am able to fairly easily force myself out of bed at 5:15am to work out twice a week. The alternative, an extra hours sleep but feeling down, isn't really a viable alternative anymore. And the rest of the week I try to do work outs over lunch hour. I don't always get to them but the endorphin effect from one high intensity work out usually lasts a few days so as long as I get to the gym (or work out at home) every two days I am good. The fact that I haven't lost any weight has been a bit of an annoyance to me. I even let it get me down last week and stop me from working out. Wallowing in my own self pity, see, fun me again. Poor Kevin. Yesterday I read a post that reminded me what is important. I always say my main goal is to be healthy (and it is) but in the back of my mind getting skinny is always there. Sorry to add a second link in one post but this article is worth the read. If you are a fit woman who struggles with body image, you NEED to read this. Thank you EliteFTS and Alexander Cortes for this post. It is the truth, a truth that not only women but society in general needs to embrace "A Lion in Iron: Women- Be More Not Less". I am strong, much stronger than I was 1 year ago. And I will continue to get stronger. Healthy and strong are my goals. I needed that reminder.

An experiment - subject: Me

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 19:59:00 +0000

After the holidays I felt run down. I was very tired, my clothing was more snug than it had been and generally my mood was off. It was easy to set me off and when I feel like this my outlook on life can suffer. While M was brushing his teeth the other night he decided to step on my dusty neglected scale. It didn't register any weight at all and he asked me what was up. I took a moment and reset it for him and to prove it was working I stood on it. WHOAAAA! I had gained 10 pounds since my last weigh in (which in reality had been months before). So that probably means I gained more than 10 pounds because I think I had lost a few. F^&*$ Colour me not impressed.

But I had to be honest with myself. Since the school year started in September I hadn't been going to the gym regularly. Once or twice a month at best, and that isn't going to do much for my waist line, or my fitness level. Of course I do fair amount of reading about fitness (so much easier than actually doing it) and I had come up with some ideas of what I wanted to do. Kevin and I had a talk about things and he reminded me that I needed a plan. I had lots of ideas and goals but no plan. One of the blogs I have been reading is GoKaleo and her way of thinking appeals to me. No quick fix and no starving yourself. Fuel your body, exercise everyday and the results will come. She says that one reason weight is hard to lose, and any loss hard to maintain is that we don't eat enough food. That our bodies are suffering from under nutrition and our metabolisms are confused by all our dieting.

This is my plan:

GoKaleo links to an Energy Expenditure calculator in a few of her posts (and her Start Here section). I used it to calculate my energy expenditure on my low/no exercise days, and on my exercise days (different amounts depending on what I do). Last week I started going to bootcamp twice a week and on those days my energy expenditure is 2720 cals. On my non exercise days it is 2200 and on days when I jog or weight train (which I don't actually do at the moment) it is 2675.

So these amounts are the calories that my body needs to fuel my life. If I eat these amounts (in healthy, whole foods) I should maintain my weight, no losing, no gaining. I find it interesting that My Fitness Pal has the default energy expenditure amount at 1800 cals a day for me (and everybody I assume, it is a generic amount after all). That's whopping 400 calorie difference, which doesn't seem like much but when you take account that the amount of calories I had to eat each day on their "diet" was 1200 then it certainly becomes a big deal.

I decided that I still need to track my food with MFP. I am not using their base amounts but the tracking is useful. It reminds me to be mindful of what I am eating. Every day I go into my settings and change my calorie goal depending on what kind of day I will have. On bootcamp days I give myself 2400 cals (300 shy of my TEE Total Energy Expenditure amount) and on non exercise days I give myself 2000 (200 shy of my TEE amount). Now that I think of it I should drop that to 1900. I do want to lose some weight after all.

This week (and last) I attended bootcamp twice a week and played soccer once a week. Next week I plan on adding another gym visit. This visit will start with some strength training. Every 2 or 3 weeks I want to add another work out to my week. By the end of winter I should be doing some kind of exercise every day. At the moment I envision that as: Monday Gym Strength train or Bootcamp, Tuesday walk or jog, Wednesday bootcamp, Thursday Gym strength train, Friday Soccer, Saturday walk or Jog. Sunday Rest. Of course these are subject to change, and some days I won't make it, but one thing I am is easy on myself (sometimes too easy). The idea is that as long as I have a plan I shouldn't be as easily derailed.

The experiment part of this plan is the eating. As you can see from the calorie amounts I posted, I am eating between 700 and 1200 cals more than I was when I was following the MFP diet. I did lose weight on the MFP diet, but I also gained it all back really really fast. That is the part I am trying to avoid. I will report back as things progress and we can see if this will work. I expect it will.

My thing

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Tue, 13 Nov 2012 14:41:00 +0000

Everyone has their thing. I know I have mentioned before that I love to cook. I really do. It hurts my heart to buy things pre packaged. When I do, I don't enjoy the meals we eat. I know to some it sounds silly but it's just how I feel. But I also don't have time to prepare fancy meals and I find meal planning hard. I have a hard time deciding what to make and often chose the ~wrong~ thing. Things that take too long, or that don't turn out as well as I would like. I have learned that no matter how wonderful Pinterest is, you cannot always rely on the recipes posted on there. They just don't always turn out.

When I was on maternity leave with D2 I signed up for a meal planning service. At the time I used the free version. It provides you with a menu for the week plus a grocery list and plan for prepping. It outlines what you can do ahead of time and what to do during the week.

I really enjoyed it but when I returned to work the weekend prep work suffered. I didn't want to spend a few hours prep cooking on the weekend. I wanted to spend every waking minute I could with my little one (and when he napped I wanted to nap).

Two weeks ago I decided to try it again but this time I paid for the service. With paying I get grocery lists I can edit, lists sent to my iphone that I can use (and cross off) while I shop. And the ability to edit the menu to our tastes. My family and I are really loving the meals. It is work getting things started on the weekend, but it pays off in spades when I only have a small amount of cooking to do each weeknight and I am still getting healthy home made food on my kids plates. PLUS they love it. Twice since I started using the service they have commented on how much they have enjoyed the meals.

Happiness for me is a happy, well fed family. And these days I am happy.

Edited to add:
~ I guess I could tell you about the service. It is SOS Cuisine. I love it for many reasons but one really good one is that it is Canadian, fully totally Canadian (from Montreal I think). Oh and I forgot to mention that they work out their grocery lists with the store sales, you pick the stores you shop at and they tell you where the cheapest of everything is (based on your profile).

They didn't pay me for this post, they didn't give me anything. They don't know who I am, or that I have a blog. I am getting nothing for naming them here.

a slice of time

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 19:25:00 +0000

So much of our time these days is full. We try not to over schedule our lives but somehow we always feel busy. Cooking, cleaning, meal planning, activities and regular play time fills our minutes and hours to the point of overflowing.

Last weekend on the spur of the moment Kevin and I dropped the kids off at his parents house and went out for dinner. Kevin's mom hadn't been well for a while and we weren't able to ask them to watch the kids. Now that she is feeling better and stronger (and D2 isn't quite as much effort) we felt comfortable asking.

Dinner out was just perfection. It wasn't at a fancy restaurant, it wasn't a long meal. But we talked and talked. I will admit that with our life being busy and full with the kids our actual adult only conversations are usually short and to the point. I was happy to see that we can connect, spend time together (sans kids) and still be interested in each other.

Hopefully this can become a regular date night. It helped recharge my batteries that night, and I could use a recharge like that more often.

back, inspired

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Wed, 15 Aug 2012 18:15:00 +0000

I have been on holiday for the last two weeks. I didn't mean to go dark but I convinced myself that I shouldn't boot my laptop while I was off. And for the most part I succeeded, except for one small work emergency. Overall the holiday was wonderful, relaxing and I enjoyed spending time with my kids.. All that stuff. But as someone who doesn't really like her job I find that during my time off I spend my free moments stressing over the fact that I HAVE.TO.GO.BACK instead of just enjoying myself. Every moment is coloured with a melancholy. I have been halfheartedly looking for a new job, but I am not sure I want to stay in this career at all. I partly think I should just stay put till I find my passion, my thing. And the thing is, I think I may have come up with an idea.

A few weeks ago I was reading a post on Brene Brown's blog and she wrote a post about Chris Guillebeau and his new book "The $100 startup". Very spur of the moment I clicked on the Amazon link and bought the book. Without even thinking, I just did it. And of course through the awesomeness of Amazon it was on my desk 2 days later. That night before bed I read the first two chapters and my mind was spinning. So many ideas, so much inspiration. After putting it down I couldn't even sleep. The idea that I could be my own boss, work for myself. Do something I love. It has been something I have dreamed about for years but never dared consider. I always thought that I would have to wait till we had ~~less~~ no debt, till the kids were older. But while reading these first two chapters I was inpired. Why couldn't I start something, do it WHILE I work. Use the little bit of extra income to pay off my debt faster And then, just then, we might be in a position to accept the loss of my salary. But what if, dare I even think it, what if the loss of my salary didn't hurt as much, because I already had a business going on the side. And I could focus on it, grow it. Oh man, I am so inspired.

But did you read that paragraph closely. If you did you will notice that I only read the first two chapters. In true ME fashion I am spooked. There is light at the end of this dark tunnel and instead of facing it head on I am averting my eyes. I am scared. I look at the book (now sitting in my living room) and my heart races. I want to pick it up. I want to keep reading it. I NEED to keep reading it.

With that being said, even with just these first two chapters read I have come up with an idea. And I have given myself a deadline. I have to start working on it in the next two weeks.

MY idea. OMG you have no idea how difficult this is for me to type. What if you all think I am crazy, the idea won't work. I'll never make a living. Why would anyone ever buy what I am selling. ~breath~ I am just going to put it out there. Be honest, tell me what you think. I can take it.

I want to bake. To start I want to bake healthy snacks, muffins, cookies and the like. Sell them to parents who want healthy snack food for their kids lunches but don't have the time to prepare them themselves. The parents who like me cringe every time they drop $3 on a box of Bear Paw cookies or store bought granola bars. And by healthy I mean banana chocolate chip muffins with cauliflower in them. Granola bars with spinach. But they will taste good, the kids will eat them. Happily eat them. Sneak the good stuff in there. I already have ideas for other products but I need to start working on recipes. I need to slow down with the ideas and just start baking. My soccer league ends in two weeks and my deadline is that I will create a sample box for each of my teammates. So they can sample, give me feedback and hopefully a few will become/refer customers.

Phew, now it is out there. I am in tears, scared to death. It isn't that I am afraid to start. I am afraid of what this could become. Could this actually be the thing that delivers me into a life where I love what I do. I want this so bad. That is why I am so afraid.

Importance of a packing list

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 17:19:00 +0000

I usually make lists when I am packing to go away with my family. Heck I make a list when I travel alone. But this weekend we were only going away for 1 night. We were only going to a friends 40th birthday party and then to sleep at my mothers house. We would be back a mere 24 hours after we left. Why would I need a list for such a short trip?

That is a spreadsheet that demonstrates how I cannot function without a list. I have to admit that I usually pack with the caveat that we aren't traveling to Timbuktu, and I can replace anything forgotten in a heart beat. But why spend money needlessly on new swimsuits (which I remembered this trip but have forgotten many times before, I have 4) when we don't need to. A list not only saves my sanity it saves me money. And from now on I will remember, there is no such thing as a trip too small to need a list!

another blog! WHA

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 13:34:00 +0000

I don't know what I was thinking but over a year ago I reserved a few blogger blog names. Actually I know what I was thinking, I wanted to branch out. But it never happened. And last night when I tried to write a post on my ipad it saved it to my other blog by mistake (or maybe it was divine intervention). So here is the link to my first post on my other blog The greening of me

money is hard

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 18:26:00 +0000

I just paid off a credit card. My work finally approved our raises and I got a lump sum of back pay. Some extra. I wanted to buy a new mattress, I wanted to buy a new fridge. As much as I would have enjoyed those things I would still have debt looming over me. And I find the weight of that debt almost unbearable. We are not out of the woods. We still have more dept to pay off. But I think this is one huge step. One big hurdle. As soon as I get my statement in and can confirm we have 0 balance I am calling the company to cancel the card. I WANT IT GONE. I know they will give me a hard time but I just want it GONE! No more temptation. No more easy money. I still want that mattress and that fridge, but I can wait. Just a bit longer. Money is hard, being adult is hard, knowing that those things I want are just things, is hard. But worth it.

Outsmarted myself

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Wed, 11 Jul 2012 20:32:00 +0000

I like to think I am a smart woman. I have a successful career, a happy family life, all the things I need. But like many food is where I my smarts can occasionally be lacking. Emotions take over, I forget common sense, I eat too much or the wrong foods. But this time I thought I was being smart. On my weekly visit to Costco I though I would buy a case of healthy'ish chips. For those times that I was craving something salty and crunchy. Why drop a whole dollar into the candy machine at work 3 times a month when I could buy a case at $.50 a bag and keep them in my desk for when temptation strikes. I returned to the office with a case of these bad boys under my arm

Healthier, tasty and cheaper than my regular chips. Win win win right? OH SO WRONG! With these babies sitting at my desk I ended up eating a bag EVERY SINGLE DAY for over a week. It was a bad scene with my self loathing growing with every bag I ate. To the point where I couldn't handle it and had to put it in the common area outside my office. The case was empty 20 minutes later, and good riddance. I am back to paying a premium for regular old chips. But since I only go the machine a few times a month I figure it is worth it. Silly me.

Judge not lest ye be judged

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Tue, 15 May 2012 20:24:00 +0000

Last night I was doing groceries by myself (I KNOW, by myself, heaven I tell ya!). In the store there was a child crying. Crying very loudly. We are talking full on temper tantrum screaming cry. It went on for most of my visit to the store, which took about 30 minutes. As I heard the cry I felt bad for the parent/guardian who was with the child. I know how stressful it is to be trying to accomplish a task you must accomplish (like groceries) with a screaming child in tow. Everyone in the store seemed to be walking on edge. The sound of a child crying is something that puts every human on edge. We are not supposed to enjoy the sound of a crying child. It is supposed to alert you to a child in danger, a child hurt, a sick child. It doesn't matter who you are, if you have had children or not. Our reaction of discomfort when hearing a child cry is natural.

I found the poor Mother and her family as I approached the cash lines. She was a few cashes over from me and she was a young mother with 3 young kids. She looked very tense and was doing her best to pay for her purchase and get the heck outa there. The looks she was getting from the others around me made me sad. Lots of frowns and disapproving eyes. It hurt me for her. She was doing her best. The worse example was a mother, walking with her own now teen aged son, who while passing me said to him "I can't beleive she is just letting him cry like that!" Like that mother had a choice to stop it. And maybe she did, maybe he was crying because he wanted a toy from the toys section, or a candy from the junk section, and she had said no. But really, we don't know why this boy was crying and it is NONE OF OUR BUSINESS. As uncomfortable as it is to hear a child scream, we should be supporting this Mom, not judging her.

As I finished bagging my purchase I eyed her packing up her purchases into her double stroller. I wanted to say something to her, to let her know it was okay. I stopped at the ATM, but she was busy trying to console her son and I was done before she was ready to head out of the store. I spotted her walking home as I drove by. A young Mom shopping alone with 3 children, walking home with 3 children and a stroller full of food. She is stronger than I am. I have 3 sons and I will go to extreme lengths NOT to have to shop with them all (really it's only the 2yo, he turns into the Tasmanian devil the minute we hit the grocery store.)

If I could have spoke to her, I would think I would have smiled and said she was doing good. That everything was okay. I hope I would have been able to say that. Maybe I would have just smiled at her and her kids. But what I really wanted to say was "You are my hero! Walking to the grocery store with 3 kids in tow... Seriously, my hero!"

bits and bobs

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 20:16:00 +0000

I was almost run over today while in Westboro. This is CANADA people, at a residential intersection pedestrians have the right of way! This is not Manhattan or Rio. Sheesh. Two cars chose to almost run me down, one right after the other. You would think the 2nd car, who saw me step back from the first car, would have waited. But NO! And for the record one was driven by a man and the other by a woman. And they BOTH had to wait at a red light about 50 feet from where they rushed past me. (I was at the corner of Golden and Byron leaving my Chiropractor appointment). A-holes.
Last night we visited FunHaven for the first time. It was with D's hockey team for their end of year party. Being a Tuesday evening it was quiet and lots of fun. No one in my family are fans of crowds and I expect we will never visit this place on a weekend. But I foresee another weeknight visit in our future.
Better late than never, we are celebrating M's birthday this weekend. We are going to another establishment similar to FunHaven called Midway Fun Park. This was not our first choice of a Birthday party location. Our first choice was a Glow in the dark mini put location close to our home. A few weeks after booking and giving them a $50 deposit we received a call from the owner explaining that the location had closed and that Midway would honour our deposit. We hemmed and hawed and finally decided to go with Midway. I hate the idea of losing my deposit. I know the kids will love it. Hopefully it isn't super busy. We booked a morning party hoping to avoid crowds. Like I already said, we hate crowds.
I missed almost two full weeks of work this month when my entire family succumb to the sick one after the other. First D2 came down with a fever (that lasted 7 days) that was accompanied by gastro (that lasted 4 days). On day 4 of fever and day 2 of gastro I hauled us both to CHEO worried that he was dehydrated. While there I got a phone call from Kevin letting me know that he had just had x-rays that confirmed he had pneumonia. With him exhausted and D2 still very sick I had to stay home that whole week to care for both of them. That Saturday M started a fever, and Sunday D started one. Monday I woke up with my own fever. OH yes. It was awesome! The only blessing was that D2 was now well enough to return to care and I was able to rest. The silver lining of all this sick was that I able to read the entire Hunger Games trilogy. LOVED them.

the D word

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 18:14:00 +0000

I think it is ironic that I had a spelling error in the last post title. Cause maybe "Thins I like" would be a more appropriate title for this post.

I am back on My Fitness Pal (web and iphone) tracking my food and exercise. I am twohandsfull on there if you chose to friend me. Initially it started as a way to track what I was eating and see if I could make some better choices. I mentioned it to a few co-workers who decided to log on and now we are supporting each other online and off with chats and lunch hour walks. Slowly I have started to shrink my portion sizes back to something more reasonable and even though I have yet to weigh myself I think I have started to lose a bit. I do know that I feel better, I think the daily walks are helping my mood.

That being said I am hungry. And I don't like it. One of the things this had highlighted for me is my choices for food. My portions were so big I was stuffed after lunch. I would eat an afternoon snack even if I wasn't hungry (bored). It has only been a few days that I have been more restrictive with my food and I see holes in my diet. I need to bring some raw veggies for snacks. I need to drink more water. I need to be prepared so I don't attack the candy machine or jump on the tray of left over deserts from the exec meeting. I know my system will gradually adjust to this diet and I won't feel as hungry. That is what happened for me last time anyhow. 7 years ago I was on WW and I lost 40lbs. I only have 20lbs to lose but for some reason I expect it to be harder this time. I am not as committed as I was that time. Not as desperate. But I want it. And hopefully the support of my real and online friends will keep me going.

Thins I like

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 18:57:00 +0000

In order to work towards a change in my direction I thought I would post a list of things I like to do. Most of these things would never earn me an income. I think it is important to list them anyway.

Things I like to do (in no particular order, or I could say, the order changes depending on my mood):

Cook - which I get to do often but more out of necessity than enjoyment

Garden - I am still working on my skills and have had two bad gardening years. Here's hoping 2012 is a good year.

Eat - I mean really, who doesn't!

Read books - I love to read, and yet I barely do. It has to do with having a 2yo who is a night owl in the house. Getting him to bed is an hours long project every night.

Read blogs - I try to do this each day. A few here and a few there.

Play games on my iphone - I do this far too much. I think I miss out on some reading or cleaning (yes cleaning) because I get caught up in Words/Scramble/Hanging/Drawing with friends far too often. But they are so awesome and I keep telling myself I am warding off Alzheimer by keeping my brain active!

Exercising - I feel good when I am active. I am not active these days. You would think that I would just get active since I know it will help my mood. Alas, I am a complex creature.

Being with my kids - most of the time. I have to admit I almost didn't put this one on the list, because it is such an obvious one. Like, who doesn't love to be with their kids? But sometimes I love it and sometimes I don't. I think everyone feels this way (if they are honest with themselves). That's life I guess.

Being social - I am a hopelessly social person. Which is very interesting since I didn't used to think so. I love being alone and I am very happy to do things by myself. But since having kids I feel I need to be social and I like being around people I can relate to.

Building things - This is one that is more theory than practice. I would LOVE to build a table/bed/shed from scratch. I lurk on Ana White's web site and drool at all the beautiful stuff people (mostly women) build. I fantasize about having an empty garage to put tools in. I would love nothing more to install my own hard wood floor or laminate, something we may just do later this year. I daydream about renovating my bathrooms and kitchen myself...

What are some things you love to do? I would love to hear about them.

A place to start

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Mon, 27 Feb 2012 15:57:00 +0000

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I really appreciate every single one. I have to admit that I hadn't intended on posting when I started to write that post. I felt like I needed to write something and I had planned on saving it and revisiting it later. But in the spur of the moment I realized that if I was actually going to do something about my situation I had to post. And I had to post at that moment. Now I guess I need to give you a bit of background on me and my situation.

I consider myself a very positive person, a glass if half full kind of person. I see the good in most situations and I am very empathetic. Empathetic to a fault at times. I find it very hard to argue with people because invariably find myself considering their side and that can be very deflating when you are trying to argue. I avoid conflict at all cost, which I think is another of my character flaws. I am hoping to encourage my boys to study debate so that they have the skills and ability to formulate a valid argument. When I try to argue anything I usually end up tongue tied. I am terrible at thinking on my feet.

Like I said, I am a very positive person, unless I am not, and then I dive deep into chicken little - the sky is falling territory. Which is where I found myself on Friday. I felt trapped, felt like I had made all the wrong decisions, for the wrong reasons and I was suffering for those decisions. I am suffering for them, because really, I am. I have had opportunities to change the course of my life a few times and each time I have backed off. Something has scared me. I talk a lot about how my kids are afraid of change, but really it is me. I am scared to death of change. How else do I end up in a job I kinda like (but don't love) for 16 years. I have rationalized myself out of so many changes. Changes that would have been much easier to do when I didn't have 3 kid, mortgage and debt. But here I am and now it is time. The next few posts I am going to try and flesh out a plan. Work on the details and figure out how I can be me again. Because over the last 16 years I have gradually lost myself. And I need to find myself again.

crisis

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 21:32:00 +0000

I am having a crisis. An identity crisis, a midlife crisis, who knows. All I know is that I am. And I don't know what to do about it. I am at a crossroad and I feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do, but I do know that I can't keep things going the way they are. This is all very vague and I promise I will elaborate in a series of posts. I have a few things I need to get out. I have to tackle them one at a time. But I need to force myself to get this ball rolling. Because I can't stand at this crossroad much longer. I have been standing here long enough, and the longer I stand here the harder it is to move.

Parenting at it's best

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 00:42:00 +0000

My DH is gone away on business for the night. Somehow I got it in my head that tonight was going to be super productive. You know, so I could prove to myself (read:husband) that I can be productive on my own, with 3 kids, on a work/school night. Cause that kinda stuff matters to me in a twisted/self defeatist way. But instead I find myself eating any junk food I can find, and hiding playing words with friends (twohandsfull is my user name if you want to play) and watching d2 destroy my clean basement and colour on himself with marker. Yes, this is exactly the night I didn't want to have. But it is 7:40 and hopefully the kids will be in bed soon and I can try and salvage this evening. I still have lunches to make and a shower to take. And I really want to shovel the ice off our driveway. Any bets on which of those I'll actually do :)

I am also playing Chess with friends with my 10yo. Except I don't know how to play chess. Which is terribly embarrassing when your kid tells you you're in check except you don't know what that means. I think I need to google chess tomorrow.

Back to life, back to reality

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 03:19:00 +0000

These last two weeks have been pretty wonderful. Even though I had to work for two days last week. Even though the kids got a bit bored and annoying now and then. It was such a nice, quiet, restful reprieve from the CRAZY that was December. I had myself worked up into a right tizzy in December. What with shopping for Christmas, planning D2's birthday and planning for a family dinner. I didn't realize I had over done it until the morning of D2's birthday when I woke up with such a headache and I felt nauseous. And I felt that way most of the day. I managed to fake being okay during his party but I didn't eat a bite until supper. It appears I did a good job faking it too. The next day during Christmas dinner with my MIL I commented on how much better I was feeling and she had had no idea I had been ill. It is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

After all was said and done D2 had a wonderful party. We spent a lot of time with family and felt the warmth and love of the season. I really do love Christmas. Even if I am glad it only comes once a year :)

And tomorrow is back to routine. Alarms set for 6am. Lunches planned. Tomorrows dinner already in the crock pot and ready to go. I want to be more organized food wise from now on. But then that is a resolution I make regularly. And break regularly too.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday as well.

PS click on the title of this post and you'll be treated to some Soul II Soul (circa 1989). I still love that song!

noreply@blogger.com (Chantal) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:48:00 +0000

On Saturday I attended the Prince concert. I am a huge fan of Prince so you may be surprised to find out that I both loved and was annoyed by his concert. Or maybe you aren't surprised, this is Prince we are talking about after all. One hour into the concert he proclaimed "Thank You very much and good night Ottawa" and I just about lost my mind. WHAT. One hour. You have to be kidding. Of course he came back. 3 times he came back. But I was annoyed. Why didn't he just play. Sing, play guitar, dance, that is what I came to see. Not to spend time begging him to come back out. Not to have him play snip-its and medleys of songs. Play man, for Gods sake, play.

Doesn't he know that I am one of his biggest fans. That I spent hours when I was a young teen dreaming that his tour bus would drive through my blue collar town. That he would stop, see me and proclaim I wanna be your lover . I would resist and he would beg, telling all about what my life would be like If I was your girlfriend. That he would whisk me away in his little red Corvette to Minneapolis where I would be his muse and he would spend his days telling me I was the most beautiful girl in the world . And his nights telling me he would die for me. We would go crazy and dance in the Purple rain.

Oh to be 12 years old again. I guess my image of him was changed slightly after the concert. I still think he is an amazing performer, genius song writer and musician. But he is human, not a god, just a man but still one sexy MF. That doesn't mean he won't find his way into my day dreams again. You never know when he'll come through Ottawa see me and beg Take me with you!