Hi.

Longing.

2013-12-08T02:56:00.002-08:00

So it's been a wee while since I last posted. I got a job, working at the Rockshop (it took me a few months of looking) and I absolutely love it. My band Lead Us Forth is doing well and we've been playing a lot of shows lately which has been fantastic. Youth is coming to an end for the year in a couple weeks time and that has been pretty full on for me this year.

But outside of the few moments I have with these things, I am generally not happy with where I currently am.

I am lonely, been struggling with that for a while and I'm not my best friend at all when it comes to this. I have made rash and stupid decisions with friends this year leading to nearly losing friends (I'm sorry) and struggling to fit in where I am.

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in
Until I found out
I don't belong here

Lyrics from Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown"

I guess those lyrics describe how I feel atm.

Ever since coming back from the states I've been yearning to get back over and start life over there.
I want to move to the states, I want to help people there, I want to mentor and be a role model for kids over there, I want to get married and have a family. I know this will happen one day. Recently I've come across some information that might speed that up, but it's so hard to look forward into the future when the present is sometimes unbearable to live through.

Right now it feels like I'm stumbling over furniture in the dark with no idea which way is the exit, constantly hurting myself and become disorientated not knowing where I am in this room. Would be great to have some help with this but then I get scared when anyone gets close. I make stupid decisions that cost friendships.

I'm finding it hard to shake these feelings of insignificance and non-belonging. Maybe I shouldn't shake them and embrace them to help me make decisions about life but then that's scary for me to make decisions like that.

I don't know the purpose of this or if anyone will read it, but if you do know that I'm being real with you and that crap happens and we don't always have an answer or an idea of a way out. I guess we just have to keep going and keep pressing on with crap happens.

Changing lanes.

2013-03-21T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well I needed to change something, I wasn't happy with where I was or what I was doing and after careful consideration I decided that it was right for me to leave my bachelor program at university. The final year is a hard year to pull out from but I believe it's the right thing because immediately I have felt more positive about life and what I want to be doing with that.

All I need to do at the moment is to find a job so I can support myself, which is another kind of stress but one that is much less than doing a degree I was no longer happy or convinced about.

Life is beginning to look better.

I have maybe 2 good days in a week.

2013-03-10T04:06:00.001-07:00

The title says it all kinda. 2 days are good, and 5 days are sucky. Actually it's not even a full two days, it's more those two evenings are good. I get to do something I love, be with youth, and do band practice.
Sometimes church on Sunday is also good, but if I have an assignment due that night then it isn't so much.

My life has been like this ever since I got back from America I really don't feel at home here any more (I mentioned all this in my other blog kiwiinaforeignland).

I'm dealing and struggling with depression right now and I'm hoping this blog is a way for me to vent, process, but also maybe God can use this to speak to someone and talk through my brokenness. I'm going to try and be honest on this blog which is really scary.

Right now, I have missed out on handing in a 40% essay (to be fair I was also working on a 60% assignment at the same time) because I have no drive or motivation at university. I really hope this changes, or something clicks soon. If not, then this year is going to be one long and painful exercise for me.

I must sleep, huge day today. Start of a new block course, and I also need to get that 40% essay done.

Good night.

Who I am.

2013-03-09T15:31:00.001-08:00

I've seen too many Christians think that to be "Christian" you should be perfect, that everything needs to be in order in your life to even be considered as accepted or to be able to do God's work.

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17, NIV)

I'm broken, I have a past and things in my life which I am not proud of and are still struggling with today. Stupid addictions, depression, loneliness, etc. My life isn't anywhere near as perfect as I would hope, it's not nearly as messed up as it could be either (thank God)!

I don't even know where my life is going or what I am supposed to be doing, but I figure that if I keep God at the centre and surround myself with people who understand the broken, then maybe things will work out right.

This is who I am.

Hi.

2013-03-09T05:26:00.001-08:00

Kia ora, hello, welcome to my blog.

My name is Thomas and I am 23 years old. If you hadn't already figured out by the pic, I am a kiwi (which means I come from New Zealand). I am in my final year of a primary (elementary) school degree. I also love Jesus very much.

I am sure that over these next few posts you will get to know me better. I think this blog is going to be somewhat raw and open, especially for where I am with life right now. I feel that I am needing somewhere to vent otherwise I will explode.

It's 2:34am in the morning and I have two massive assignments due at midnight tonight and I have barely been able to so any work on them for some reasons I will try and highlight in my next few posts but for now I really must sleep.

I hope this finds you well and thank you for reading.

God bless.