I Can't Believe She's Still Single

To the cute microbiologist who's gonna examine my stool

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 21:33:00 +0000

Hi.

Well if you're reading this, you already know it's you. I walked into the lab today because of chronic diarrhea, and they called you specifically to take care of my case.

You were so cute when you said I had abnormally huge taste buds. When you said you had to have another look at the back of my throat, it was obvious you just wanted to see their freaky fatness once more, and I called you on it.

You then turned completely red, and I don't know if it was because of my grossly exaggerated yet founded accusations or because I wasn't wearing a bra and you left me waiting for like 45 minutes in an industrial AC powered office.

You're gonna be growing five different cultures from my stool in the next week and I have no idea, despite all my funk and resourcefulness, how to make the idea of giving me a call after work seem inspiring.

Between all these questions you're asking me, all of which are related to my loose bowel movements, and the fact that you could lose your license if you got together with a patient, there is just no way I can slip you my number.

I don't really know what to do. I think I'm gonna try to run into you at the end of your internship at this hospital. I hear if it's not in an office, there is no law to prevent me hitting on you, and you taking it up.

If you're not gay that is - cause you sort of give off that kind of vibe too.

But if you're not, where is my highest chance of running into you completely by chance, one morning when I'm not your patient and you're not my hot, out-of-bounds microbiologist?

First Dates

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 17:27:00 +0000

The Voices

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 21:40:00 +0000

TMI

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 20:29:00 +0000

You may be getting a rise somewhere, but its not with me.

Picture iMperfect 907

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 16:11:00 +0000

It's all about choices. Having them is good, well except #3.

Picture iMperfect 903

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 13:58:00 +0000

A good mom who's prepared for the Apocalypse or a zombie attack.

Picture iMperfect 902

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:37:00 +0000

Damn those low riding jeans.

Picture iMperfect 831

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:18:00 +0000

I love women with more facial hair than me.

Picture iMperfect

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:45:00 +0000

Yeowzers! A woman who knows how to handle a gun.

Picture iMperfect

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:25:00 +0000

Being a good mother is always a quality I look for in a potential date.

Picture iMperfect

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 15:02:00 +0000

Looking for a new boyfriend. Will be available after 9.

Fleas?

Yeah this has some guy living in his parent's basement written all over it.

The Worse Headlines

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:51:00 +0000

If you're a guy perusing the online scene these are the women you stay away from.

1. blah, blah, blah

2. A little bit curious

3. You could be the one

4. Look for Prince Charming

5. Looking for someone interesting and kind

6. I can't believe I'm doing this

7. I'm the one your mother warned you about

8. Your last online date

9. Hi (Hello or Howdy there)

10. I might be the one your looking for!

The Best/Worse of Profile Names

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 20:13:00 +0000

Your profile name is like a brand name. It will sell you or sink you real fast.

1. Neverfaithful – well you get 10 out of 10 for honesty but I bet you don’t get many dates.

2. Loveonly4you – and the other 30 women you contacted today. Sorry overly slushy is not attractive.

3. ManiacKiller – hey let’s meet soon, somewhere dark and devoid of witnesses!!

4. Boredofdating – well if you are bored of dating then why are you on a dating site? That just screams I want a husband and I want one now.

5. I’mboring – not going to want to read the rest of your profile then am I?

6. Falsetits44 – you have to be kidding me, you want to advertise that you are 44 and just had a boob job?

7. Princesstopamper – that just screams you are going to be high maintenance and hard work.

8. Stretchmarks – okay so you have had babies and now have stretchmarks but do you think that is the first thing you should tell some about you?

Not quite sure if it will float

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 17:41:00 +0000

They're Creepy and Spooky

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 17:59:00 +0000

Forgot to take her meds I think.

Yes poking dead stuff always gets me hot.

The Pikachu Sutra. Hawt!!

At least she's honest about her likes.

Some cropping challenges here.

Well he'll have plenty of things to tell a therapist later in life.

Photoshop Challenged

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 23:44:00 +0000

I guess cropping is out of the picture.

Love & Texting

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 24 May 2010 00:13:00 +0000

hello again, well am single mum of 2, thts jst lookin for gen guys 2 hav a chat n get 2 no, bn on ere a year n oh boy wot a laff, am a thin attractive gen lass with a good sense of humor, am a busy mum bt do lyk 2 let my hair down 2 with girls bn single 4 years had a few triels,lol, bt no wot am lookin for, maybe as a like single life 2 much who no's, no pervs please sick of sayin dnt do tht kinda chat guys, x

Not Asking for Much

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Wed, 19 May 2010 14:04:00 +0000

I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time. I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away.

-non smoker
-must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions
-must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction
-must not be opposed to wicker furniture
-must be 420 friendly
-must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS
-past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary
-some knowledge of vintage wine
-must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad
-toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
-must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense
-must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant
-must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5
-owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards)
-I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders.
-must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert
-passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town
-must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson
-must have read complete works of Jane Austen
-must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF
-must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access-must love pinball and not play ping pong
-3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films
-must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind
-must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification
-must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too!
-NO FELONS!!!
-must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience)
-Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable
-must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours
-must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores
-must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS
-no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse.I know the guy for me is out there.

I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. ~M

Hunter Partnership

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 20:50:00 +0000

"SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage.

Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.

Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.

No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.

Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.

I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

Doormats needs love too

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:48:00 +0000

Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you.

I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening.

Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you.

I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old.

10 Commandments of Profile Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:45:00 +0000

1) Thou shalt not post a photo taken more than 2 years or 20 lbs ago.

2) Thou shalt not post a photo of you with your arm draped around your ex.

3) Thou shalt not post a photo taken in a three-minute photo booth

4) Thou shalt not post a photo with someone’s face blacked out or someone’s body cut out of the picture.

5) Thou shalt not post a photo where you are not smiling.

6) Thou shalt not post a photo where all of your friends are more attractive than you.

7) Thou shalt not post a group photo where a casual viewer can’t figure out which person you are.

8) Thou shalt not post a photo taken by a webcam.

9) Thou shalt not post a photo that shows too much skin.

10) Thou shalt not post a photo of Angelina Jolie.

Picture iMperfect

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 14:11:00 +0000

Putting your best cheek forward.

I'm hoping that's a piercing and not some weird growth.
I'm not quite sure what to say here except YEOWZERS!!!

Really? Is there no other picture of you.

The cult of the snake I see.

That's right. We don't need to see your face.

I see you have room for a man in your life.

Party on!

The "F" Word

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 20:42:00 +0000

Seeking a PGILTF

Which, as you may know (but probably don't since someone has just made it up!) stands for Passionate Guy I'd Like to F--. And of course when I say F---, I mean. . . F--- as in Form a Lasting Relationship. F--- as in Forge an Intimate Partnership. and mostly. .. . F--- as in Fall In Love. What did you think I meant by F---? (Oh well, maybe that too.) I can't help it. Maybe it's because I'm passionate myself but I have a thing for passionate guys that makes me want to F--- them. Well not all of them. Really I'm looking to Forge, Form and Fall (once again, see above. That's what I mean by F---) with just one. To achieve that perfect F---, it would help if my passionate guy was smart, literate, witty and loving as am I. At least aware of culture and creativity as am I. And rugged as am. . .of course I'm not rugged, more like 5"2" and curvy, and appealing in a mature but smartcityoutgoing sort of way. Anyway, if you're a passionate guy clever enough to have gotten past the shock of my approach to discover the soul of this message, please do respond with your photo (sorry, no photo, no reply). And I will reply with a picture of myself in kind. Together we could be F---ing amazing.

The Ultimate Man

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 01:11:00 +0000

I am a happy and blessed person. I try to find the humor in almost everything and my life is pretty much drama free and I'd like to keep it that way. I have to admit I'm more attracted to dark haired men who are in pretty good shape with a great sense of humor and a great smile when I make him happy which I will try to do alot. I have a 23 yr old son in the Navy who lives in CA and a 15 yr old daughter who is in modeling and acting and stays with friends quite often so I often have weekends free. The ultimate man will give me my dream car someday, a '69 Mustang Boss as in my photos.

Seeking bearded, overweight hipster

noreply@blogger.com (Mike) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 19:45:00 +0000

i realize this is kind of a specific request, but hey, it never hurts to go for what you want. i read this description of north american hipsters, and thought, "you know, that's actually the sort of guy i'm into." should i feel weird that my ideal dude can easily fit into a hilarious stereotype? maybe, but i'm going with it.

"Identification: Like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest, a twee twit is simply too soft and gentle for this world. He cannot abide bright colors or harsh materials, so he is usually swaddled in soft, pastel sweaters and corduroy pants. He might have a beard, because shaving is far too scary, and stubble is like sandpaper against his delicate features. He is mumbly and soft-spoken, but he doesn’t mind being unintelligible; he wouldn’t want to impose upon you unduly by putting forward an idea. He’s a cat person. He’s almost too much of a feminist to tolerate the act of sexual intercourse. He’s had the same girlfriend for eight years, and he doesn’t mind the fact that she’s gained a little weight. They throw the nicest dinner parties.

"Musical Taste: The twee twit mainly enjoys mellow post-shoegaze in which nothing much happens, gentle American indie-rock in which nothing much happens, and unobtrusive indie-hippie-folk in which nothing much happens. Too much distorted guitars or non-whispered vocals instantly melt these guys. Sigur Rós has some really nice songs, but sometimes they get a little too raucous.

"How to Tame a Twee Twit: Give him a hug, or bake him some cookies. If you meet him in a record store, say “boy, I wish all Pavement songs sounded like ‘Here.’” "Benefits of Friendship: Twee twits are pretty much guaranteed to be nice, reliable, steadily employed, and inoffensive. They don’t mind packing a little bit of a paunch, so they’ll be willing to eat greasy diner food with you at 4 in the morning without bitching about gaining an ounce.

"Drawbacks of Friendship: Two words: Belle & Sebastian. There’s no escaping the fact that these guys like boring, boring music, and they’re going to get uncomfortable if you blast any crunk in your car (and why even have a car if you can’t blast crunk in it?) If his girlfriend dumps him, you will have to see him cry, and his tears and snot will get all in his beard." ...so if you feel a kindred spirit with that stereotype, please, feel free to message me. we can drink imported beer, be all ironical, watch movies that are way over our heads, give each other mix tapes (TAPES for real, i just bought a 7-pack of maxwell 90 minute tapes at cvs), write embarrassing letters, drunkenly make out, go bowling, cry, whatever. i shop at thrift stores but pretty much only buy shoes and doofy home accessories. i used to have a short, cute haircut, but i'm growing it out and it's in that floppy in-between stage. i have horrible taste in everything. i'm also extremely lazy, which is why i'm ending this ad now. p.s. you don't actually have to be bearded, overweight, or hipstery. just have that general aesthetic (ie "indie rock and diners" over "club beats and date raping drunk chicks")

p.p.s. this is the worst personal ad i've ever written. that should give you an idea of the type of effort i'm willing to put forth. hope to hear from you soon!