2. What’s the point in the judges picking who leaves if they go to deadlock *every* week? This was our chance to get rid of Lloyd, judges. But no, let’s keep him in so that now his teenage girl fans panic vote him into the final. Again, Louis made the most sense when voting: what is wrong with the world?

3. The most interesting thing that happened during Bon Jovi’s performance was the candle in our pumpkin suddenly got really bright.

4. Whoever makes the VTs for the celebrity singers needs an Oscar. They can make anything seem dramatic. Even just the fact that JLS contains “Four Boys” felt significant. Oh and they are levitating! How exciting. Oh and now they’re coming back down. But they were quite good. 

5. Danyl’s reaction to getting through just put him into the bottom two next week.

6. Why was Rachel bottom again? Partly because her tone of voice was great, but ever so slightly out of tune (she’ll sound better on record). Partly because she’s not a young boy that young girls will vote for. And partly because she didn’t have a “story”. But she did some great finger pointing when she sung and often used the microphone as an emotional crutch, which I always love.  Boo to Lloyd.

Most shocking of all: Brian Friedman was on top form this week. Through each song he taught us something insightful about the act:

Joe:

In this song, Brian subtly conveyed that Joe as a performer is as relevant as contemporary ballet is in a rock song. Housemate Without Twitter made me miss the first bit by forcing us to watch Calvin from Hollyoaks dance on Strictly, so who knows what gems Brian threw in at the beginning.

What we’ve established about Joe is that he sings songs very in tune. I ask again: would anyone pay to see him sing very in tune in concert? However, one might pay to see him in Joseph.

P.S. I still need a nickname for him – please suggest.

Sarah From Hollyoaks (Lucie):

Yes, of course: the opening lyrics of Sweet Child Of Mine (“She’s got a smile that it seems to me / Reminds me of childhood memories”) scream out “I’m actually singing this down a telephone”. Of course! This makes perfect sense. Perhaps Brian is also subliminally trying to get us to associate Lucie with the phone and thereby persuade us to vote.

And she’ll need it this week: once she put the phone down, things picked up. Great vocals at the end and the song choice broke her out of ballad mould. A good performance with good comments from the judges. She’s doomed.

Danyl:

Brian didn’t bother giving Danyl any stage directions, which reflected how Danyl’s been abandoned by the British Public (“more hated than Hitler even, apparently!”). Simon Cowell scripted the whole performance: starting in the wrong key was the best thing Danyl could’ve done this week (look at how it helps Lloyd!). By breaking down this week (both musically and mentally), Danyl can build up again in upcoming weeks, as opposed to before, where he gave us the “best first audition in X Factor history, apparently” and had to keep topping it. The sympathy votes will come flooding in (even I felt a bit sorry for him).

He does still need to stop congratulating himself at the end of each big note though. And it also seems like Simon will give a standing ovation even if his act staggered on the stage drunk, sang itsy bitsy spider and then collapsed.

The Empty Space Left When Zac Efron Exits A Room (aka Lloyd):

Brian surrounded Lloyd by women who couldn’t stop kissing him/shaking their hair in his face, to hint that this might be the only reason he is still here.

On a serious note, how irritating that Cheryl had to change the lyrics so he didn’t mention “boyfriend”. An interesting song about sexuality sapped of all meaning because god forbid a 16 year old boy sang a song that implied any kind of sexuality that’s not hetersexual. He should’ve sung it like McFly:

Stacey:

In this choreography, Brian put a number of boxes on stage, because, well even I can’t find a reason for that. Nevertheless, this was Stacey’s best performance: it demonstrates that she’s actually got a great strong voice. She reminds me of Leona in how she looks awkward on stage, like she doesn’t believe she’s quite good enough. And Simon Cowell would tell you this is exactly the personality that will win it for you (take note Danyl).

Sideshow Bob (Jamie):

Brian ran out of inspiration and forgot to give Jamie much choreography. This probably represents that Brian respects Sideshow Bob’s talent too much to mess with it/that he just couldn’t be bothered because the song was all a bit boring. And why does he looked so scared behind the eyes?

Rachel:

OMG she sang in tune! I liked it. (And Brian cleverly visually represented the song “One” by giving her no backing dancers and leaving her on stage by herself).

Twin Peaks (John & Edward):

In this, Brian signalled the death of reality TV talent shows by surrounding
Twin Peaks with the living dead. And was it just me or did they look a little like:

Cheeky Chappy (Olly):

Cheeky Chappy is Brian’s arch nemesis: for a second week running Brian threw his usual hideous choreography at him, but something keeps going horribly wrong and it actually works! Last week the vibrating women; this week the dancers rolling about on the floor. The slightly aggressive, almost creepily seductive style Cheeky Chappy sang the song in worked great and was matched by the dancing. Most interesting of the night.

Bottom Two:

I fear for Lucie and Jamie. But hope it’s Lloyd. However, the women who want to shake their hair in his face will probably keep him in.

The Over 25s:

Sideshow Bob (Jamie) will be in his soft rock element. I predict “Sex On Fire” and a lot of standing on that ridiculous platform behind the judges. Which is always really awkward as the judges don’t know whether to turn around or not, so do a bit of both.

Danyl’s VT is more important than his song and Simon will have spent a week planning an aggressive “Danyl’s a great bloke” campaign. He will be pictured crying over a dead pet and then will sing a soft rock ballad in its honour. Cheeky Chappy (Olly) will do the Beatles or Elvis or something suitably retro (as that is his thing).

The Girls:

Rachel will do an energetic rocky performance (whilst singing slightly out of tune). She will get good praise and then be voted out (c.f. Ms Frank). She will have a Mohican.

Sarah from Hollyoaks will do well if they backcomb her hair, make her up all 80s, and give her a Blondie song. Simon will criticise her, determined that a girl will not win it. For once, Danni won’t be able to dress Stacey like a a doll and make her sing something from the 1960s (I hope).

The Boys:

Ha ha ha. Sorry, Lloyd again. Joe is so far from rock he’s practically jelly (seriously, who would buy his records if he won. Who? My Boyfriend, apparently).

The Groups:

Twin Peaks are pioneering. It’s starting to look like they might manage something no previous novelty act could (Chico, Same Difference, McDougal Brothers): to be genuine contenders to win. I say this as according to an exciting leak, Twin Peaks received the most votes last week. The key for them is to continue to be awful: the moment they even approach OK, they are out. If they do win, it’ll be the death of the X Factor. Things will never be the same again and it will return next year rebranded as completely different Pop X. I’m quite intrigued.

God knows what Louis will believe to be rock. As long as it’s hideous, it doesn’t really matter.

Bottom Two:

An early prediction of Rachel and The Empty Space Zac Efron Leaves When He Exits A Room (Lloyd) please. However, this is traditionally the week of shock eviction (c.f. John Barrowman, Dancing on Ice) so I’m also tempted to pick a favourite. Sadly, I think Sarah from Hollyoaks is vulnerable, simply due to being too pretty and talented to get other girls to vote for her. I hope not.

P.S. Check out this great video blog on last week I discovered:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ah5_gKIgJPk

P.P.S. I need some nicknames for Rachel, Stacey, Joe and Danyl. Any suggestions?

Again, I must moderate my many opinions into a bullet point list:

1. I was embarrassed for each and every one of them during the group performance. Brian Friedman is either an evil post modern genius or a bit of an idiot (I think we all know which).
2. Westlife’s song was chaos. Without a key change, we had no idea when the song was reaching a climax. And they were accidentally positioned too close together and were therefore unable to do any Christ-like gestures. This meant no emotion could be conveyed. Green lasers flashed across the screen in no relationship to the song.
3. I love Michael Buble. Take note, Simon: he “acted” his way through this performance, like Lucie did. This makes for an exciting performance.
4. My  mum knows Dermot O’Leary’s dad, which makes me feel like I am related to him. I have also met Dermot, but he unfortunately thinks I’m called Nicky.
5. Big shocker for the bottom two. But, with hindsight, Danyl alienates his audience. His performances are entirely one way: he doesn’t engage with the audience, but shoves himself upon it. I dislike him, but he interests me as a performer, so I’m glad he didn’t go this early. Even though I do want him to go before the final, as apparently he made Stacey cry. http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/xfactor/news/a183552/x-factor-danyl-makes-stacey-cry.html
6. Sugababes Part II, whilst never going to win it, shouldn’t have gone so early. I thought Mutya might punch someone at the end (and rightly so).
7. All in all, this week has made me resolute that Lucie must win, partly to annoy Simon and partly to carry on the memory of Sarah in Hollyoaks (and partly because she’s the best)

Meanwhile, the Big Band seemed so horrified at what it was hearing, that it kept trying to drown it all out.

Olly (aka Cheeky Chappy):

The moment he clicked the fingers of just one hand in the first 3 seconds, I knew this week would be painful. Olly was OK, but a bit disappointing compared to last week – his voice underwhelmed. But his cheeky chappy jigging about is still fun.

Lloyd:

His confused face reveals he has no understanding of any word he sings. Like Zac Efron without any personality or singing talent or dancing ability or star quality.

Sugababes Part II:

Excellent: they reaffirmed that they were definitely a group by touching each other a lot in the VT. Why has Mutya got a stick though? And why is she heading threateningly towards Simon with it?

But they were good: better than previous weeks, even if the Big Band decided to drown them out. But let Keisha SING – she is by far the best. Heidi should keep quiet.

Rachel:

Everyone kept looking confused and wondering why Rachel keeps being in the bottom two. Because she sings slightly out of tune all the time! Luckily this week she had 12 backing singers and about 20 dancers, so we didn’t notice. The energy was great though and she was safe. But no, what’s this? You’ve spoiled everything afterwards with a hideous attempt to demonstrate a personality! And there you go, you’ve just lost everyone’s votes.

Stacey:

I love Stacey, but Danni keeps dressing her like a doll and giving her old fashioned songs. Great VT though Stacey: good crying! Overall, quite good, but not the best song choice. I will her to do well and, she will, but with different songs.

Danyl:

Unlike Stacey, Danyl was unable to show emotion and cry in his VT, so they had to make his mum do it for him. His performance was essentially a not quite as good copy of Adam Lambert’s performance on American Idol:

However, he’s still one of the most interesting contestants, so I demand he stays. It is also clear that Simon wants him to be the eventual winner (though I doubt he will as he’s not likeable enough).

Joe:

Cheryl is even using her contestant’s VT to promote her single!

Brian Friedman managed to make Joe look vaguely creepy and very uncomfortable with the dancing. He still reminds me of something out of Popstars in 2001 when we thought that cute little boys that could sing, with no star quality, could be popstars.

Sideshow Bob:

I actually liked this, even if it wasn’t Big Band. He sang it all in tune! Although he did look confused and awkward at times, like he suddenly wondered what he was doing singing U2 in Big Band Week. Typically, the one week everyone else seems to dislike him, I actually think he’s good.

Lucie:

The Leona “Summertime” performance of this year. Finally, finally, she’s shown how amazing her voice is. And not just that, she performed it brilliantly – and it was absolutely right that the song was almost theatrical. The only one that looked like a real popstar. And she even used the microphone as an emotional crutch! Amazing.

Simon made it clear before the live shows started that he wants a boy to win this year, which is why he’s being so critical. His record company has had Leona, and now Alexandra, but it seems he fears knowing how to market another girl with great voice.

The first time I’ve been properly excited by an act this year. She needs to win.

Twin Peaks:

Watching the twins twitch their hips either side of the one semi-clad woman was both revolting and enthralling. Might they actually win it? If so, would it be the death of X Factor like Michelle McManus killed Popstars? Will it have to come back next year rebranded?

Bottom Two:

I change my opinions: I now predict Lloyd and Rachel.

EDIT: Mathematical formula surprisingly says it will be Lloyd and John & Edward in the bottom two.

Oh and I love Michael Buble and am no longer ashamed of this. A bottle of red wine might have helped with this revelation.

EDIT: I now have two followers. Apologies for disregarding you, Second Follower.

So it’s Big Band Week! Which is significant as in previous years it has arguably offered up two performances from the girls that signalled them out as eventual winners. I start with the ultimate: when Leona Lewis won the competition as early as week 3 with “Summertime”.

The second is Alexandra Burke’s “Candyman”. Interestingly, her first real single “Bad Boys” is a tribute to “Candyman”: it seems Her People have correctly decided that this was the performance on which to build her career.

Back to 2009 and here is how Big Band Week may go:

The Boys (aka “meh”):

We will dress the under 25 manboys in suits, tell them to swagger around the stage clicking the fingers of one hand, and make them speak-sing inappropriate grown up songs like “My Way”, thus covering up their inability to sing. That’ll be Lloyd into week 4 then.

The Over 25s:

The over 25s will do better, headed up by Olly who will sing “Mac the Knife” and thus be moulded even more into the New Robbie Williams. Danyl should sing “Summertime”, which would be brilliant and continue his pioneering approach to gender in music, but he probably won’t. Whatever he does, he will do a lot of *performing*. Sideshow Bob will shout something out of tune, emote fiercly and again *perform* a lot (to make up for singing a slow song last week). He will then be told he is in a different league to everyone else.

The Groups:

Miss Frank will over compensate for last week’s criticism of standing too far apart and will be stuck to each other like glue.

The Girls:

At least one of the girls will sing barefoot and, also probably roll about the stage on their back, to show they are natural performers. Rachel needs to learn from her dreadful mistake last week and cry AT LENGTH in her VT and not just briefly. Seeing as Stacey has been given both Leona’s hair and dresses, she will actually probably sing “Summertime” and Simon will say it’s not as good a Leona, who incidentally has a new album out shortly.

The Guest Performances:

Neither Westlife or Michael Buble will be suspiciously off their faces . Westlife will do several Christ-Like gestures and then will stand up from stools/move forward at a dramatic key change. Michael Buble will look a big smug, but will also be charming (how wrong is it that I increasingly like him and listen to “Lost” on loop? Is he weirdly magnetic?).

The Bottom 2:

Tricky week, but I provisionally predict Rachel and Miss Frank (although the latter have, according to Insiders, a good performance up their sleeve). But I hold judgement on this until I have seen Rachel’s VT. Cry, Rachel, CRY (and then please sing in tune).

- The Group Performance: err, did they mime? They sounded so much better for it (I’m looking particularly at you, Ms Frank). Maybe all the acts should mime every week? It would be a much better reflection of how they’d get on in the real world. Which nicely brings me on to my next point…

- Cheryl kind of exposed the flaw behind the X Factor: her song sounds much better on record than it does live. Also, how much better would it have been with the rest of Girls Aloud singing with her? And if she had a different stylist?

- Oh Whitney. I can’t stop thinking about the frenzied way she clung onto her clothing, the fact she sang approximately 3 lines, and mostly how her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she did the “left, right, up, down” dance actions. But most special of all was the interview. She made Britney look functional. I could go on for ever, so I will just say my favourite part was the look of disgust she gave to Dermot when he tried to say hello.

Did you know that Whitney’s never really been able to dance? Look how awkward she is in:

-Back to the contestants: when Danni walks out with the girls they all hold hands; why can’t the boys (and Simon) do this too? Which reminds me of the best example of male hand holding in a TV Talent Show:

- Poor Rikki. He shouldn’t have gone. As horrible as it was to watch Rachel crying, and as much as I enjoyed her finger pointing when she sang, has no-one noticed that she has yet to sing in tune?

- The mathematical formula worked! Maybe I could be the new Derren Brown after all.

Blog Post 1 on this exciting overarching narrative will come shortly. Maybe even today if Come Dine With Me isn‘t on.

However, in addition to this, I’ve decided I’m allowed a few posts to be outside of the Overarching Narrative (don’t kill me Literary Agent Flatmate), mainly because I really want
to blog about the X Factor. For example, I recently saw someone on Twitter calling Jamie “Sideshow Bob”. That was totally my invention, and this blog will enable me to get these things out there first.

Week 1:

I’m such a geek/the new Derren Brown. I’ve come up with a mathematical formula to predict who will be in the bottom two. Let’s see if it’s right before I reveal just how sad I am to have created this formula, but I predict that the bottom two will be Rikki and Kandy Rain. In fact, according to my potentially ingenious formula, here’s how everyone ranks:

1. Danyl
2. Stacey
3. Joe
4. Jamie
5. Lucie
6. Olly
7. Miss Frank
8. Rachel
9. Lloyd
10. John & Edward (They can’t even be bothered to come up with a band name)
11. Kandy Rain
12. Rikki

Other thoughts:

Rachel:
The curse of going first. Good ability to walk about on stage (though I’m not sure it takes trained professionals months to learn how to walk down some see-through stairs). Not the best song choice to show off her voice (which is what the first few shows need to do, Danni, before *then* showing us all that they can “perform” too). And backing singers should be banned.

Kandi Rain:
I didn‘t mind the outfits, but the cat ears were a step too far (and I would have suggested a ballad to show off their voices rather than this).

Olly:
Olly annoyed me because he smiled (albeit in a petrified manner) all the way through this song. THIS IS NOT A HAPPY SONG! (The worst ever example of a complete misunderstanding of a song on the X Factor is here:

Rikki:
Am I mad to like him? To think he could be the new Will Young? I think he’s got a good, interesting voice and I quite liked the suit. Even the hat was OK. And I loved the song choice, even if he got the genders all muddled (he started singing to a girl but then either she was a lesbian, or she changed to being male by the end of the song. More on that topic later).

Stacey:
Coldplay was a great idea, but unfortunately this song is best sung by a man with falsetto and therefore it sounded a tad warbley. But impossible not to love her and with better songs, she’ll be top 3. I refuse to use the phrase Likeability Factor.

Miss Frank:
Simon was right, Shar had a great voice. I predict they will go the way of JLS, in that she will start singing all leads whilst the other two click fingers passive aggressively in background.

Sideshow Bob:
Not a massive fan, but he’ll stay in for ages. Second half better than the first. Hair is distracting. Backing singers too loud.

Lloyd:
Not good. Why are you grinning your way through Cry Me A River, an angry song about discovering your partner’s unfaithful? Why sing a Justin Timberlake song if you can’t dance? Why is a woman doing robot dancing wandering around the stage? (If I’d been consulted, I’d have recommended doing a stripped back acoustic version of the song).

Lucie:
Fantastic voice, but Simon’s right: singing Leona showed the limits of it. But she looks just like a popstar (and also Sarah from Hollyoaks). Still think with her voice – and the right songs – she could win.

UPDATE: Oh yes, I also loved the wind machine. Plus The Boyfriend noticed that they constructed a halo around her, which is very interesting. Look at this from last year to see why:

John and Edward:
Is it wrong that I’m fascinated by their twitchy movements?

Joseph
Why do I not like him? My boyfriend says I am harsh.

Danyl:
I like the idea of boys singing “girl” songs, even if I’m fed up of hearing this song over and over again. Bad arrangement too. However, Danyl’s the most interesting performer of the over 25s and should go far (if he doesn‘t come a cropper in the week four shock eviction of a favourite scenario).

As for Danni’s comment, I don’t think it was that awful (even if the tone it was said in wasn‘t great): it would be bad if he hadn‘t already outed himself. It does annoy me that there are so few songs sung by gay men which actually refer to another man in them. I can only think of a couple in fact. Even Will Young has only done it in one song that I’m aware of, “Switch It On”, where he sings to “Mr Fabulous”. Maybe I should do a whole blog post about this?). As he’s outed himself, Danni’s comment is only an issue if being referred to as gay on TV is seen as a hideous, horrible thing, which is homophobic in itself. So there you go.

So let’s see if my formula works!

P.S. Watched it on ITV On Demand and if I see that Glade Plug (“It’s clever!”) advert one more time I will flip out.

Rather than make a decision, I have decided to use this first post as an unnecessary Contents Page for future blog posts to come. Maybe I will even let the first few members of my potential Internet Following (i.e. my flatmates) vote and decide my first proper topic – ensuring I am giving the masses what they really want. Here we go:

Potential Topics:

• An expert justification of why 1997 was the best ever year for pop music
• Posts on little known, underrated gems that others should love (but don’t). I.e. the overlooked TV show “Beautiful People”; Siobhan Donaghy’s album “Ghosts”, etc
• My thoughts on reality TV phenomena, including topics such as “Why a favourite will always get booted out in week 4″
• The best conversation snippets I’ve overheard and plan to incorporate into a novel one day (my own version of “Overheard, Underground” if you like)
• Why I hate Yoghurt Adverts
• John Barrowman
• Why my housewarming party will always turn into a competitive challenge
• Illnesses that worry me
• In “Shag, Marry or Kill”, what does marry really mean?
• Why Asda might have chosen Who Are You Kidding Mr Hitler as the music for their new TV advert (helpfully suggested by my boyfriend)

OK, Internet Following, get voting.