The bits and pieces I’ve been making, creating, reading, and doing – stitchy or otherwise… and this month, it’s all “otherwise”.
This past month has been… interesting. To say the least. You might like to grab a cuppa, as there’s a bit of back story that I feel it’s now time to share. We’re gonna get real and raw, but spoiler alert – I’m now in the best place I’ve been in years.
Two years ago this week, I was in Houston for Quilt Market to celebrate the release of my book, Mini Masterpieces. It was something I had been working on for a few years, and to finally be at that point of all that blood, sweat, and tears coming to fruition… it was just such a dream come true.
And oh did I have plans to see this dream through! Mini Masterpieces was released in Fall specifically so that each of the 12 techniques and projects could be worked through month by month throughout the following year, both online through the Mini Masterpieces quilt along and also by organising in-person classes. This was it, baby! So much momentum and energy and my trajectory was set to continue to climb upwards through 2020…
Yep, 2020.
The book blows started almost immediately, with the prizes for January’s QAL winners already getting caught up in the postal system mayhem. And it devolved from there, as sponsors and QALers and mojo dropped off month after month after month. On top of that, I was juggling home learning and parenting my children through the hardest time of their lives while my husband was still in at work everyday, as well as trying to maintain my business, and then throw in an unexpected move at the end of June, and then my city was thrown back into lockdown at the start of July…
By mid-July, I was burnt out. I needed a break from the juggling routine. Turns out it was the best decision I made, as we ended up being in lockdown for 111 days, and it also gave me the space I needed to focus on a passion project – Women of Advent. I came back in October, still feeling a little bruised and tender, but refreshed, refocused, and ready to start again. Ready to ease into 2021 and to start to rebuild that momentum that I had lost.
Snort. 2021 looked at 2020 and said, “Hold my beer!”
Personally, 2021 has been harder than 2020, in practically every aspect of life. Early in January, I experienced something that was both very traumatic, but that also provided the final pieces of a puzzle that I’ve spent my life trying to make sense of. With the help of a great therapist, I’ve been able to begin the final stages of processing and healing that I’ve long-needed. This wholecloth mini quilt was a representation of this journey, of feeling like I’m finally becoming who I’m supposed to be and blossoming from the inside out.
But that’s been on top of yet more pandemic pandemonium, with 4 more rounds of lockdown that my city went through. Four more rounds of home learning. Of yet more travel plans cancelled, and missed family milestones and occasions, of long-held family dreams delayed indefinitely (eg. a big family trip to the USA that probably would have been this year, before our eldest started high school), and the grief that comes with all of that.
Let me be clear – I have been and am a supporter of lockdowns. We have saved tens of thousands of lives, if not hundreds of thousands, by doing so, and by not letting it run rampant throughout our state, have protected the rest of Australia from it too. Because of lockdown, I do not personally know anyone in Australia who has had covid, nevermind died from it. And that’s incredible.
Yet this year nearly broke me. Early in the year, it was generally agreed that we (as Melburnians) had the energy to get through 2020 but we had no reserves left to get through another year of it, and that was before Lockdowns 5 and 6! So come July, and I again felt like I was drowning. By mid-August, I was running on bare survival mode AKA languishing – I had my Plenty of Thyme quilt and jigsaw puzzles that I would do as I binged a series called Continuum to keep my hands and mind busy, as the days all blurred together. Groundhog day after day after day.
But three things happened that helped flick the switch for me. The first was that, thanks to vaccination rates, we had a plan, or a roadmap as our state government called it, to get us out of lockdown when we hit certain milestones of the percentage of population fully vaccinated. No longer were we living in the unknown, we had a plan and we knew what to do. And we’ve done it! Last week, we hit 70% of people aged 16+ being fully vaccinated, and lockdown officially ended. This Friday, we hit 80% and we will reach the next phase of opening up to “life with covid”. And later next month, we’ll hit 90% and most restrictions will be gone.
The second change was that I started taking medication for anxiety. Something I should’ve done a long time ago, had I been honest with myself about just how bad it was. But because I wasn’t having full-blown panic attacks like you see in the movies, I “wasn’t that bad”! Let me tell you right now, you do not need to be having panic attacks of any description to have bad anxiety. After talking with a couple of very close friends about their anxiety, and completing this anxiety checklist on Beyond Blue, I made an appointment with my GP. I have not felt like this in probably over 2 years. The overthinking, the worrying, the fear… they no longer have a front seat in my life.
The third change was that I got a job. And I was probably as surprised as you are now! I wasn’t necessarily looking for a job, but I was certainly after some stability and routine and structure in my life. I was asked to take on a part-time admin role in my church’s office for 3 days a week during school hours. A job I had occasionally already been doing whenever the previous administrator was on leave, so it wasn’t unfamiliar to me. A workplace that is family-friendly and flexible as needed for various appointments for children and/or they can come in with me during school holidays. With colleagues and a boss I already know and have a good relationship. In summary – a safe space in which to make such a change in my life.
My eldest starts high school next year, and my youngest will be in her final year of primary school. My husband is about to start a new role at work that will change up his work/life dynamic. Thanks to vaccination, life in Australia is about to change again. Because of therapy and medication, I am discovering more and more about myself. Everything about my life is changing.
Source: @KeeleyShawArt
I used to have a pretty fixed mindset about life – who you are is who you are. And sure, you might learn something new, but fundamentally, things don’t really change. But I’ve learned over the past few years, that change is possible. That just because something has “always been this way”, does not mean that’s good or right. That as you learn and grow, things have to change, because if they don’t, then you haven’t really learned or grown.
In fact, I’ve been debating with myself over the past month or so, wondering if I should or would even share this kind of post. I know that I don’t owe any “explanation” for the decisions I make because of growing and changing, but I decided that I want to. I want to be open and honest. And I hope that in the same way that other people’s honest and openness has helped me along my journey, that perhaps someone else out there might not feel so alone in what they’re dealing with by hearing my story.
I’ve been doing Blossom Heart Quilts for almost 10 years. There have been times where it has absolutely been a core part of my identity, and gave me a purpose in life. It helped me through our 4 years in Japan to make English-speaking friends who loved what I did. There have been times where the income really did help our family. It has brought some amazing opportunities into my life to travel, and my book! And developing Women of Advent is one of my most proudest accomplishments. But most of all, incredible friendships. I never ever would have met some of my closest and dearest friends who are now like family to me had it not been for Blossom Heart Quilts!
The most beautiful part of all of this is that I do not see getting a job as a failure of my business. That in itself is a miracle, and a sign of how much growing and progress I have made over the past couple of years! And I know this sounds like a farewell speech, but it’s not. This is not the end, it’s the start of a new chapter. A different season in my life, and the life of my business. Entrepreneurship is wiiild ride, and it’s been a ride I am incredibly proud of, and will continue! I’m not sure what it will look like from here, but I know that I now get to only do what I truly love and want to do, rather than feeling like I’m only doing what I should do. And I know that after the past two years of extreme turmoil, it will absolutely take some time to process and heal, and that having my new job allows me the space to do so.
Oh yes, I do realise the irony of that last sentence. I know of a few people who are retiring, retraining, or reducing hours because of the pandemic! But the fact that I can do set hours each week and have a guaranteed pay cheque every month is a novelty for me. My brain needs that stability and routine to feel safe to take the time to heal. And to be completely frank, the energy and effort required to get back to that point of momentum and trajectory I was at in my business at the end of 2020? I cannot even comprehend trying to get there again right now.
So, I will finish as I started, letting you know that I am in the best place I have been in a very long time. I know that whatever 2022 brings, I’ll be ok, my family will be ok – I have an incredible circle of family and ‘chosen family’ around me, and my support system is strong.
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Quilt Teacher + Author (@blossomheartquilts)
