Blumpkin Reading Material

A COOL STICK IS BACK

2011-11-11T21:49:00.001-05:00

http://acoolstick.bandcamp.com/album/birds-eye-view-free-download

I was the co-producer on three tracks. You'll know them when you hear them, because they're amazing.

Check out the boys at http://acoolstick.tumblr.com/

One Love

Jah lives

Eat Cookie dough

My Man Jeff

2011-10-04T16:22:00.000-04:00

Edited by William Gale
adachi2011.com

Girls at the Bar: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2011-05-13T15:21:00.004-04:00

As you may or may not know, Dutch got dumped. Not really that recently, but enough so that when I get drunk, I do get a little misty-eyed and think about sending text messages to a person who isn't even in this country anymore. And those are the worst, because you can't take those back for, like, another 10 months.

Anyways, a few weeks after it happened, my buddy Shortcut Mike and I went out to watch some basketball, eat pizza, and drink IPA's. The bars in my neck of the woods are strange, in that there aren't many. That means that these bars have to work extra hard to help out the thirsty. Luckily for me, that means I don't have to work as hard with the Unusual Game ® to get a piece of strange.

You know your doing pretty well when only one girl at the bar is your age, and she's playing pool with some ol' coots, and she immediately asks you to save her. I took that feather, put it in my pimp cap, and posted up to enjoy myself and let it all play out.

Sure enough, she was over at my table 15 minutes later, looking for a slice. Shortcut Mike and I had just brought in an extra large with everything on it, except that instead of pepperoni and sausage, we went for chicken; I call it a Swap Meat ™.

Girl was hungry too, but not as much as the crackhead who was also hanging out at the bar- except that she was only a crackhead in attitude. She'd chew a piece and then spit it out on a napkin and walk away and put on her North Face to make a phone call outside on her iPhone.

So we're watching the watching the Warriors game, girl says she can get free tickets for us, I write my number on her arm, then she leaves with some other dude. Oh well. I'll just play some pool.

She comes back in, starts hanging out with another dude, who was a lot bigger and balder than me, so I knew from past experience this was not the girl to steal. I was getting a little confused as to why she told me her boyfriend was in Japan though...

But, I stayed focused, ignored her, and guess what? Sure enough, she was all over me. Out of sight out of mind, because the bald dude kept going to the bathroom, or standing in just the right spot behind a post or something. I just kept telling myself that he couldn't see me.

At first it was playful, and then I decided the night was getting played out, so I took her over to the Cruisin' USA machine and had her facing me while I was in the driver's seat trying to get through the damn Redwood Forest.

THE GOOD

It's not too often you get to have a little rodeo in public. She took her shirt off too, until the bartender threw a pitcher on us and told us that we were being unhygenic.

THE BAD

She was a little too drunk for even basic kissing functions. Not to knock her hustle, but I started to feel bad for her boyfriend.

THE UGLY

After I left, and she told me she loved me, the next day I get a phone call. It's her, and she's basically dictating (not so subtly) what I need to say to her boyfriend who then gets on the phone.

"Yeah bro, I'm wondering why my girl has has some number on her arm. She's saying something about basketball tickets, but she has a history of alcoholism and a problem with lying. So be straight with me, dude."

....

"No man, it was real casual."

It was the best I could do. It was not the time for my man to know, even though it seemed like he already knew. He thanked me for being honest, and was glad that his girl was still a good girl, because, "once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever."

Besides, he was probably just happy to see her after his long trip to Japan.

This Is Why I Watch TV

2011-04-15T19:14:00.002-04:00

To Learn valuable Life Lessons

Snitchin' Bill is Born

2011-04-01T12:00:00.002-04:00

a photo of Prison from my Apartment

As I left Spanish class, my teacher warned me about staying out all night and missing class the next day. I assured her that Halloween on a Tuesday could not possibly be eventful enough to prevent me from my responsibilities as a scholar. In the back of my mind, however, I thought that it was poor form to schedule Halloween on a weekday.

This was 10 a.m. The next thing I knew, it was 10 p.m., and sitting in front of me was an empty case of beer. Wrapped around my neck was a large gold chain, with a matching sleeveless undershirt and neon and black tracksuit. My friend had decided to throw foreshadowing to the wind, dressed as “Prison Will” with a Saint Quentin blue button-down dress shirt and gold tooth. We were ready for Fell's Point.

What I think a ginny looks like

Halloween in America must be one of our stranger customs to the rest of the world, especially if one is casting their gaze on the Fell's Point district of Baltimore. A two-block stretch of bars next door to downtown, the Halloween party there stands second in size only to the festivities in Salem, Massachusetts. People in Baltimore live for two things: drinking all day on the infield of the Preakness Horse Races in the summer, and drinking all night on Halloween in Fell's Point.

It surprised me, then, that undercover police officers very quickly spotted me with a can of beer wandering amongst 50,000 people. At first I thought I was being arrested by a hobo, until he pulled his badge out from underneath his costume. I was quickly surrounded by several other officers. Clearly Billy Soprano had just become Enemy of the State. Once they caught me fumbling for my fake ID, however, they lightened up. You can tell because my friend took a picture of the confrontation, and my face is all smiles as they are slamming me against the hood of the squad car.

In their defense, the cops had great costumes

After disarming me of my beer and ID, the Baltimore PD released me back into the wild of the night, where I then bumped into a prospective girlfriend. She was attracted to my newly-found bad boy image, and for some reason I was digging her trucker hat and walrus-thin mustache. At this moment, I should have realized tonight was going to be a manly love kind of night.

Guess which one I've hooked up with?

SHE and I arranged to meet up later, and Prison Will and I kept walking. We basically acted like judges of a costume contest for the rest of the night, realizing that many girls must be impervious to the cold of fall Maryland nights. I was feeling slightly invincible as well, but not as much as my other friend John. It's hard to believe that someone dressed as Super Mario can appear out of nowhere to change your life forever, but that's the magic of Halloween. When we bumped into him, Super John was hungering for pizza (of course) and took us down the street to the local parlor. Along the way, he decided to smash his elbow through a storefront window.

It's always impressive the things that consume your interest when you're inebriated. As soon as Mario showed that he wasn't bleeding, we forgot about that window, and I spent five minutes staring at a run in a girl's fishnet tights. Unfortunately, the police officer standing at the end of the block did not. Mario ordered us a large pie, I took some pictures of girls and posed with my open alcohol container citation, and then Prison Will was escorted out of the parlor by Officer “How Stupid Can You Guys Be.”

Snagging a piece at the Pizza Parlor- Isn't Halloween awesome?

And that's Prison Will- nice costume...

Even more unfortunately, Mario thought that because he was buying us a pizza, he didn't need to confess to the crime. He just kept repeating his family creed, “They got nothing on us.” We never did get to eat that pizza. We all did get arrested however. For me, it had a little extra sting, because one of the cops who had just busted me less than an hour earlier had snatched me again. “We shoulda locked you up the first fucking time, you piece of shit! If my son was running around acting like you...”

At least I was helping her become a better parent.

The process of actually going to jail is pretty time consuming. First, you sit on the curb in plastic cuffs. Then you sit in the Police RV with zip-ties. They've got TV in the RV, but you only get Jay Leno, and the reception is a little snowy. Then they put the metal cuffs on you and throw you in the back of the paddy wagon with the rest of the night's low-lifes. Prison Will and I were a little overwhelmed; Mario, on the other hand, was having a blast. He even got to reconnect with an old friend who happened to be sitting next to him.

Once we arrived at our final destination, we got to mix it up with a few of the jail's other upcoming guests for the evening. It was 4 in the morning and I was sitting across from a very scary man who would not stop staring at me.

“I want one of yo' chains, boy,” he exclaimed, nodding towards my Halloween-themed Mardi Gras beads.

I had necklaces to spare, and would have been more than glad to have given him one, except that the cuffs were on really tight behind my back.

“I'll be seeing you at breakfast,” he fired back at my silence as he was escorted through processing. Not to spoil the story, but they don't give you a communal breakfast in jail. At the time though, I did not know that. It was one of a few things that kept me awake for the rest of that night. My new friend was confirming my suspicions that I looked like a prison bitch.

The moment I broke down was when they put me in front of the pay phone for my only call. In the age of cell phones, I could not remember one phone number, save my parents' 3,000 miles away. I toughened up quickly, and went into my cell quietly, sharing it with a few other guys who were looking a lot worse for wear than me, even though the cops had confiscated my jacket and given me a replacement one made of material akin to insulation.

Halloween is Christmas for the police. They can arrest whoever they want, for whatever reason, and you get to spend a couple hours in the drunk tank. I left the jail being charged with an adverb. Somewhere, I have a record with the word “Disorderly” stamped on it. Prison Will and Mario had to go to court to settle their differences of opinion on who truly deserves the charges of property damage and seven years of bad luck. For me, it all amounted to a fairly effective Scared Straight program.

For my other cellmates, maybe not so much. The guy in front of me at the checkout line joked, "See you next weekend!" as he rolled out with his belongings. I got all my chains back and walked away as quickly as possible.

As we left the jail at 2 p.m. the next day, all I really cared about was, “How was I going to explain all of this to my teacher, in Spanish?”

Winning.

Support our Own

2011-03-21T16:08:00.003-04:00

A call to any who still read this site. Click on this link and view our own Nick "Sniggle Snaggles, Snick Snack Give a Dog A Joint, Snikliw" Wilkin's own ski video. Sniggles does all the 540's and it's amazing. Please like this on the facebook page to send him to superstardom. Thank you.

Click This Link

Sheen - Gadhafi Mashup

2011-03-04T13:21:00.003-05:00

Purely for your viewing entertainment...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzitAkYY8tU

I'm a gonna win!

2011-02-14T12:05:00.003-05:00

In the doldrums that is February, at least we have video games. When some lunatic takes the game off the WII and onto the streets, the results are awesome!

Football Feevah in Boston

2011-01-15T15:48:00.004-05:00

Playoffs time! Pats vs. Jets! I feel like it's Christmas Eve and all I want Santa to bring me is another victory over Rex Ryan the Hutt.

We may have had to suffer through the agony of SpyGate, but I would much rather have a coach that gets in trouble for trying to win too much than a coach who makes headlines like these.

On Brady, on Welker, on Jarvis Green-Ellis! Lead us over the lowely Jets, and on to another Lombardi!

Mamet Watch Part II

2011-01-03T20:59:00.006-05:00

Okay, so some of you may remember a few months back when I saw an old acquaintance show up in the trailer for "The Kids are All Right". I guess she's in the movie, too, but I haven't seen it yet, so I don't want to jump to any conclusions....

Well anyway, we can all now say that we used to summer with someone famous. She's played a lesbian on "Mad Men", a rich teen in "Parenthood", and is featured in upcoming movies. She even has an IMDB page and everything!

It's hard to believe that this girl and I once shared the stage in the Annisquam Village Player's production of "Guys and Dolls"...Oh, if only I'd kept a photo as proof! And now we can say we knew her when, and it'll be a legit story. Not like when my mom sold sheets to James Franco. Or when Bobby Crooked met some baseball player jet-skiing at Wingaersheek. Or when my dog was butt-sniffed by a dog belonging to Mark Pitta (he's a famous comedian. Duh.).

So go see our old famous friend. She even has a classy B&W headshot. Like the ones that Dutchmasters had made when he wanted to be a famous actor.

The Latest in Disaster Movies

2010-12-21T13:10:00.002-05:00

Get Your Woodhead

2010-12-19T11:12:00.002-05:00

Everyone's favorite drug dealer is selling sporting goods now.

I knew I recognized him from somewhere!

New Item at the Blumpkin Store!

2010-12-11T13:24:00.004-05:00

Just in time for the holidays, have the one you love get what she really needs....

It's the Blumpkin Hat, perfect for your cruising the internet in total comfort!

And it comes with a French Tickler tassle, which shows that you care.

And now, for those who surf the web on their smart phones, we also have what you need!

Much like BJ's, it's plug and play!

We'll take your best offer. Sweatshops are standing by.

Top 10 Gifts for 2010

2010-12-09T12:32:00.009-05:00

1. A Baby - Of course you could use a baby, its a great disguise for robbing a bank.

2. Needles - Every Day is Christmas to a Junkie, no need to celebrate it, but thank godddddd

3. Garbage - Give Garbage, why not, sometimes it smells delicious

4. A Hobo Party- A chance to unwind with the neighbors over a brown bag and a trash fire!

5. Trash can- Oscar the Grouch found it accommodating and its a safe place to burn anything

6. Radio Headphones- The look of the season and a huge hit at your Hobo party

7. Gift Cards- A great way to launder large sums of illegally obtained money. No, your Welcome

8. Rims- what the fuck are you going to do with a set of rims? Asshole.

9. Bus Ticket- Who on a bus isn't getting the fuck out of dodge? Hey, sometimes its your turn.

10 Trailer Hitch Balls- nothing says "your fucking welcome world" like a hitch sack

Kanye's Beautiful Dark Twisted Fanstasy Music Video

2010-12-08T15:29:00.002-05:00

Now that Bobby Crooked is on un-employment (aka Bobby Broked), he has time to do the things that you don't. Things like, sleeping 11 hours a day or leaving various car parts strewn all over my front lawn.

I also had time to watch Kanye's 35 minute music video, Runaway, and let me tell you, it is a gem.

And because no one has the time or patients to watch this genius in action lemme break it down for you. NOTE: All of these sentences sounded so ridiculous, that I felt I needed the pictures to prove they ACTUALLY happened. Kanye, you crazy.

It starts with a giant, bird-lady-pheonix, alien that is Kanye's equivalant of E.T.

Then there's a German horn funeral with a giant effigy of Michael Jackson.

Kanye takes the Phoenix on a date to a Black Last Supper with white slaves and fried chicken

Then Kanye bangs the alien, bird lady.

Whoops, wrong one

Then the bird runsaway from earth because no one likes Kanye's music, Kanye cries, and just when everything seems completely crazy.....

Ahhhhh, all is explained.

From all of us at the BRM, I'd just like to say, Thank You, Kanye. And we shall give you your duchebag toast.

Beat me to it. Genius.

Let's Have a Toast for the...

2010-12-07T09:28:00.002-05:00

...Birthday Boy!

Drinkenstein In Time For The Holidays

2010-11-23T16:26:00.004-05:00

This is borderline the funniest movie I have ever seen and an early marry christmas Mass Cash. As if this wasn't funny enough, the comments that follow this clip on Youtube may be even better. I struck upon a little known social gem; A glimpse at that momentary thought after the introduction to new media that has left me absolutely fucking speechless. And Tonight's Top 5 go to:

1. Michiel89 1 year ago 46
the song finishes....he ripps off his shirt....pulls out an rpg m60 machine gun and a grenade launcher killing everyone

2. NT11593 10 months ago 37
well now we now what Rambo does when there isn't any wars going on.

3. ghostdog7575
1 month ago
wtf??? this is one of the BEST movie scenes of all time! The best of the best of stallone.. by far!

4. Phoenix110189

2 months ago

WTF! How random! Is that really Stallone? Bizarre! Not exactly Rocky! Feel free to call me uncle douche tits

5. emilygracey

4 months ago

Oh, Richard, honey...no. Just no.

RIP Four Loco!

2010-11-18T16:00:00.002-05:00

Christmas work

2010-11-18T14:05:00.003-05:00

Since Christmas is just around the corner and many people are still suffering the effects of a down economy. (insert political joke here)

I thought I would post a video of a christmas Santa that has had a little too much fun off the job.

BRM wishes all those out there still looking for employment the best of luck in the upcoming holiday season!

Friday...

2010-11-12T13:10:00.003-05:00

there are few times in life when a video this catchy comes along.

I can not get the song out of my head...

it has made a day that would have been so hard because I am so hung over, that much better.

Please enjoy.... BABY MONKEY

No longer topical but whatever was?

2010-11-11T18:30:00.003-05:00

Why You Should Respect Ed O'neill

2010-10-23T18:34:00.002-04:00

This is so cool I'm Fucking Speechless

THE TEA BAG'N EXPRESS IS COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN

2010-10-20T14:13:00.012-04:00

So here it is; Yet another exlusive BRM discovery. As a society, I have evidence that suggest we have indeed hit rock bottom. Many have speculated on Fox News, CNBC, the Cartoon Network but none have delivered the hard evidence we have unearthed on this subject. As is customary here at BRM, we have in our hands the exclusive knowledge you need to salvage this glorious nation. We've got a Stump, Let's get a Bus, & Hit America. THE TEA BAG'N EXPRESS IS COMIN' TO YOUR TOWN. This is the kind of discovery that Constantine X could have used to save the Rome empire, right here, right now, for the sake of America. No, were not talking about marking today as the turning point when a combination of Justin Beiber hitting no 1. and this blog's obsession with Kanye West reached a shameful if not disgraceful level. Ed O'neall's life work, during his years on broadcast television and in feature films(Dutch), captured a glimpse of our impending fate but not everyone saw Saint Ed O'neall as a prophet. We of course idolize his early work on Miami Vice. This is for those youngsters out there who think society has ended up in the Toilet. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR PROVIDED YOU DONT EMULATE THESE PEOPLE IN ANY CAPACITY. DO NOT ASK WHERE I OBTAINED THE FOLLOWING CUSTOMER REVIEW for an electric HAIR CURLER from AMAZON.COM. Furthormore, do not question how long I have refrained from sharing this information since I have been busy watching a re-run of Sunday's East Bound & Down while my wife apparently loooked for a new HAIR CURLER. I warn you that this is not palatable to most people. This is a turning point in time, when the empire's glutony, shamelessness, and childless marriages eventually lead to the rise of overseas domenence through unmittigated sex, drugs, free enterprise, handicrafts and house music. All but house music and handicrafts being what made this country great. The following fringe outliers exemplify the essence of our downfall, put here as a warning to those willing to listen. If I had a shoulder fired rocket, I would send one right into these people's house before they could attempt to fein procreation. This is a turning point people, we must stop the direction this country is headed in:

"My husband and i both use curling irons daily on our hair which is
about 5 in long. Jeff is always complaning about how long it takes his
to curl his hair and that his curls don't stay in al long as he would
like. We bought the hot tools 1/2 inch and 3/4 in curling irons for
both of us. Jeff uses the 1/2 and can do his hair in about half the
time because his curling iron is hotter than his old one and he has
the most awesome head of curls that last all day. I use the 3/4 and
also save time and have curls for days. Jeff would have to recurl his
hair if we go out at night and now he curls in the morning and his
curls look great for our nights out. He is now so happy with this iron
and his pretty curls which also keeps me from listening to him
complain about his curls. Great iron for males and females" -Nancy

Hip Hop is Dead Part 2

2010-10-19T13:54:00.002-04:00

Yes Homo.

Hip Hop is Dead Part 1

2010-10-19T13:47:00.006-04:00

L.R.: Why did you have permanent diamonds drilled into your bottom teeth?

Kanye: I just like diamond teeth and I didn’t feel like having to take them out all the time.

The only possible downside....

kanyewest

I swear my love bracelet and gold & diamond teeth always set off the metal detector

By the way, he bought the love bracelet for himself. Let's have a toast for the douche bags.

In Kanye's words, "I'll never change, I'm too stuck in my ways."