The Cost of B. Michael's Truly Epic Shit

I’m sick of Tumblr. Unfollow me. It doesn’t matter, because it’s going to...

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 22:31:00 -0500

I’m sick of Tumblr.

Unfollow me. It doesn’t matter, because it’s going to be a post like this. I already brushed my teeth, and I had to go back to the well for another glass of wine. I’m writing product descriptions watching two basketball teams I could really give a fuck about playing for something they want more keenly than I’ve ever wanted (the wanting). And it’s not even whatever big tournament. It’s just prologue.

This is going to be a half-assed music metaphor, and it’s going to be about two things I don’t know much about. But I say, prefatory-like, that I know enough about them to make the philosophical point I have in mind.

There are things like Lady Gaga. Things that I will never, ever understand. I will listen to those things’ one song that is certifiably awesome. I will run very fast for at least half an hour listening to their one song on repeat. It will be undeniably uplifting and transcendental-like. I won’t really be able to discern their lyrics until the two hundredth listen. Like, literally. I will realize one day earlier this week I will realize as I’m rounding into mile seven that they’re saying ‘Caught in a bad romance,’ and not whatever onomatopoeic utterance of joy I thought it was. That’s fine. These things are elemental, and elemental things have apparently predated human existence. This seems true as an empirical fact, but it is also totally meaningless since the concept of elementalness was… you know. There were no concepts back then. So things like Lady Gaga are kind of of the same cloth as human existence, they have an identical, simultaneous origin. They create the possibility for each other.

The idea is that things like Lady Gaga and humanity have a specular relationship. The possibilities of humanity are reflected in its apparent cultural outliers. Whether Moses, Abraham, Bob Dylan, or Lady Gaga—elementalness is a sort of precondition for countenancing yourself, since we have an idea of the most basic unit and a simultaneous idea of the absolute limit of our existence. They are the same thing. We are as big and as small as our archetypes.

I don’t think Lady Gaga is very talented or interesting, but she is undeniably talented and interesting to a lot of people, and this particular mixture of cultural savvy, sexual frankness, and musical artifice is what people seem to be wanting for, the people who are really for lack of better word (or really it’s the best word, too—let’s be decisive) ‘into’ Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is the cabaret show Penelope must have been putting on during the 10,592.25 days Odysseus was out of town. She is the (I think. I’m no semiotician.) apparently unhinged sexual catharsis constantly unfolding in public. She is sexceptionalism. Further than that, she’s a bright shining star. Her name is written in bright blue neon lights with purple outline, and her name is just so bright and so sharp that the sign blows up, because her name is so powerful. I also understand that, and I’m talking about this in the same way I sad before she’s a limit-concept for humanity, I understand that she’s undeniably a ladybusiness sort of person. I’ve listened to her one awesome song hundreds of times, but the rest of it—

I am a very passionate person, and I’m given to extreme behavior. I wish to god I were someone for whom regular excellence was an easily maintained habit. I’m extremely shitty and ignorant and boring. Sometimes, I’m the opposite. I’m afraid that this is how Lady Gaga is. There’s a lot of big events—VMAs, music videos, one or three songs—and not a lot else to talk about. I suspect her limited body of work (since didn’t she just debut, sort of?) accounts for part of this, but I also think her whole character is based around creating brief, exploding spectacles. Of course, she can make a fifty year career of this. And now this is where things—things being these letters, words, sentences, and paragraphs I’m writing—where things take a turn for the worse. She’s no Pavement.

I know, right?! Who said she was supposed to be like Pavement? No one! Not me, even!

It’s not as if Pavement haven’t received their due. They’re the most popular, successful, influential indie rock band of the 1990s. Pretty much every guy who listens to indie rock loves Pavement. Nearly no women (relatively) like them, at least not nearly as much. This is a very problematic comparison. I don’t even know if it is a comparison. I just want to situate a comparison of the two artists side-by-side.

Pavement (I was not culturally cognizant during the early/mid 90s; I wasn’t that cool.) was pretty damn popular during their prime. They got real, live ink in real, live magazines. (Back when there were magazines…) It’s inaccurate to say that Pavement were or are unheralded. They’ve got like 130.7 cumulative Pitchfork Points. They were selling out reunion shows a year in advance. Whatever. And they have had a chance to have a long career. And they have enjoyed nearly 20 years of career to have people talk about them. But, and still. They deserve to have people talking about them non-stop, constantly, every single day. They are amazing. They are so good. Pavement has five completely blissed-out, classic albums. They have shit tons of great b-sides. Their bootlegs are spontaneous and entertaining. They actually have good music videos. Really good ones! They’re funny and clever and good.

But—and I know writing about Pavement now is kind of like writing about Led Zeppelin or something, maybe—but no one writes about them. Perpetua writes about them sometimes. And god knows, they’re one of the few things he sounds happy to discuss. But they’re great and they deserve exegesis and people talking about them.

This isn’t an exhortation for people to write about Pavement! It just galls me that people love talking about Gaga (I mean literally, the fact that they love it. Value-wise, I don’t really care who anyone talks about. In fact, I don’t think it’s better or worse for someone to talk about Gaga or Pavement. I’m just saying very simple that I think there is a lot more to talk about with regard to Pavement compared to Gaga. It’s not a critique of Gaga or Pavement. Here is why:) It galls me that people talk so much about Gaga because I think she’s representative of a culture that loves to look frame-by-frame of the Zapruder film and try to figure out the angle(s) of bullet(s) rather than dig into the rich, shitty dirt of history.

The ironic and inherently bad part of my point (as far as I have one, which I don’t, really) is that the people I am criticizing (well, I would say come off as criticizing) are the most intelligent, sensitive cultural commentators—the hard thinkers. But they’re the epicenter of a larger move to I don’t know—I never studied this sort of thing in college, although I’m kind of aware it might be a thing?—a larger move to live in and dissect the image-based culture, which I take to be very temporary and next-big-thing-ish. Whereas a cultural entity like Pavement is kind of boring in its regular excellence.

I suppose my rambling, and now, I mean honestly very tired, sleeping pills-ed destroying train of thought is trying to get at is that we—and I mean SPECIFICALLY TUMBLR (because of the nature of it, I guess. Maybe I should be writing about why Social Media [YUCK] is pernicious rather than Gaga, Tumblr, or anything else. Maybe I’m just being Andy Rooney, here)—what I’m getting at is that we’re bathed in the luminescence of a sea of regular excellence, but all we talk about is the daily rise and fall of the tide.

I simply cannot use a microblogging platform that gives me...

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:51:04 -0500

I simply cannot use a microblogging platform that gives me directions in bad English.

PREPOSTEROUS!

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:44:00 -0500

PREPOSTEROUS!

"Everytime I see a Lady Gaga exposition on my dashboard, I silently wonder if the author knows that..."

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 14:33:44 -0500

“Everytime I see a Lady Gaga exposition on my dashboard, I silently wonder if the author knows that the five to ten minutes they spent writing said exposition is five to ten minutes that they will never have again.”

- sherry.

St. Vincent“Your Lips Are Red” I’m trying to...

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 10:55:13 -0500

St. Vincent
“Your Lips Are Red”

I’m trying to make a progressive sort of “mix tape.” I don’t think this song makes it because it’s a little on the nose, right?

Beat HappeningYou Turn Me On Click-thru for a Mediafire link.

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 09:02:54 -0500

Beat Happening
You Turn Me On

Click-thru for a Mediafire link.

"Do you fucking people have nothing better to do with your lives than worry what we may or may not do..."

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 07:54:47 -0500

“Do you fucking people have nothing better to do with your lives than worry what we may or may not do with some future version of iPhone? Really? This is what you sit around doing? Sneaking around trying to pry out weird bits of information about what might happen in the next version of an operating system for a phone? And then debating them on blogs and comment strings and calling each other names and trying to claim bragging rights for being the best at predicting future Apple features? Listen to me: You need to get a life. Find some woods, and go for a walk. Go to the gym. Read a good book. Go volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter. Go join a protest about health care. But sweet mother of Jesus stop worrying about your fucking iPhone, okay? Repeat after me: It’s just a phone. Regain some perspective, you big weenie losers.”

- Steve Jobs*

It’s like, some mornings you lay in bed “catching up” on your RSS and you see a sentiment so true and clear that you have to be all, OK I’ll get out of bed before 8 even though I don’t have to.

*fake

Awww. I just replied to a txt by saying, ‘IRN;T.’ He was like, ‘Cool, see you...

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:25:00 -0500

Awww. I just replied to a txt by saying, ‘IRN;T.’ He was like, ‘Cool, see you there!’ He should really read my archives.

NEW RYAN ADAMS

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:05:59 -0500

NEW RYAN ADAMS

IRN;T

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 16:05:11 -0500

IRN;T

Look at this fucking love connection.

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:34:54 -0500

Look at this fucking love connection.

The Hood Internet“Drake vs The Rapture - Best Jealous...

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:14:00 -0500

The Hood Internet
“Drake vs The Rapture - Best Jealous Lover I Ever Had”

This is fucking filthy. I paused the video this morning because...

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 12:45:48 -0500

This is fucking filthy. I paused the video this morning because I had work to do, ostensibly. But really, I couldn’t get past this. I smoke/have smoked a lot:

During eating
Chewing gum
Two or three at once
In crowded rooms
With the windows up
In bed
In a tent

I’m trying to think, off hand, how disgustingly smokerish I’ve been. Like I’d say I have a B+ in it. But so this shit is just revolting. Yech.

I ran out of nice.

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 11:17:48 -0500

The Jerk Store called. They said you were their biggest seller. I asked them why they were calling to tell me this. Then they said, Oh sorry. Wrong number.

CYA JK

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:43:02 -0500

CYA JK

Oh come on! This is getting out of hand. Fuck. I think that...

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 10:29:00 -0500

Oh come on! This is getting out of hand. Fuck.

I think that Michael Richards has demonstrated that he made an unfortunately ham-mouth-fisted, stupid display of himself. But since then, he’s shown a large amount of levity, grace, and contrition. Leave him alone.

Plus, he’s genuinely talented. This is an unfair comparison on a few levels.

(photo via matt-t)

Why?“Gemini (Birthday Song)” Should we be tempted...

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 09:44:48 -0500

Why?
“Gemini (Birthday Song)”

Should we be tempted by thief or by saint
It seems I leave and you stay to crowd the cage and curse
But don’t regret the done dirt there is no life plan set
You just swallow the cold and follow your breath until death

(hamtunes)

You know how you outgrow your favorite songs? Like, for instance, I outgrew “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” back in about ‘99. I outgrew “Come Pick Me Up” a few years ago. I outgrew “Don’t Stop Believing” when I was nine, but then I grew back into it when I was in college.

My point is is that this is one of my favorite songs, and when I feel like I’ve outgrown it, I’ll know that life is going pretty well, I think. A lot of times music is pretty facile and dumb, but it’s a kind of emotional marker. It’s like the famous ladder that you pull up and toss aside once you’ve climbed it. Music is meaningless and dull, except when it’s not. And then it is, again.

James Tate's The Radish

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:50:02 -0500

James Tate's The Radish

Jenny Holzer's Truisms

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 08:28:54 -0500

a little knowledge can go a long way

a lot of professionals are crackpots

a man can’t know what it is to be a mother

a name means a lot just by itself

a positive attitude means all the difference in the world

a relaxed man is not necessarily a better man

a sense of timing is the mark of genius

a sincere effort is all you can ask

a single event can have infinitely many interpretations

a solid home base builds a sense of self

a strong sense of duty imprisons you

absolute submission can be a form of freedom

abstraction is a type of decadence

abuse of power comes as no surprise

action causes more trouble than thought

alienation produces eccentrics or revolutionaries

all things are delicately interconnected

ambition is just as dangerous as complacency

ambivalence can ruin your life

an elite is inevitable

anger or hate can be a useful motivating force

animalism is perfectly healthy

any surplus is immoral

anything is a legitimate area of investigation

artificial desires are despoiling the earth

at times inactivity is preferable to mindless functioning

at times your unconsciousness is truer than your conscious mind

automation is deadly

awful punishment awaits really bad people

bad intentions can yield good results

being alone with yourself is increasingly unpopular

being happy is more important than anything else

being judgmental is a sign of life

being sure of yourself means you’re a fool

believing in rebirth is the same as admitting defeat

boredom makes you do crazy things

calm is more conductive to creativity than is anxiety

categorizing fear is calming

change is valuable when the oppressed become tyrants

chasing the new is dangerous to society

children are the most cruel of all

children are the hope of the future

class action is a nice idea with no substance

class structure is as artificial as plastic

confusing yourself is a way to stay honest

crime against property is relatively unimportant

decadence can be an end in itself

decency is a relative thing

dependence can be a meal ticket

description is more important than metaphor

deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity

disgust is the appropriate response to most situations

disorganization is a kind of anesthesia

don’t place to much trust in experts

drama often obscures the real issues

dreaming while awake is a frightening contradiction

dying and coming back gives you considerable perspective

dying should be as easy as falling off a log

eating too much is criminal

elaboration is a form of pollution

emotional responses ar as valuable as intellectual responses

enjoy yourself because you can’t change anything anyway

ensure that your life stays in flux

even your family can betray you

every achievement requires a sacrifice

everyone’s work is equally important

everything that’s interesting is new

exceptional people deserve special concessions

expiring for love is beautiful but stupid

expressing anger is necessary

extreme behavior has its basis in pathological psychology

extreme self-consciousness leads to perversion

faithfulness is a social not a biological law

fake or real indifference is a powerful personal weapon

fathers often use too much force

fear is the greatest incapacitator

freedom is a luxury not a necessity

giving free rein to your emotions is an honest way to live

go all out in romance and let the chips fall where they may

going with the flow is soothing but risky

good deeds eventually are rewarded

government is a burden on the people

grass roots agitation is the only hope

guilt and self-laceration are indulgences

habitual contempt doesn’t reflect a finer sensibility

hiding your emotions is despicable

holding back protects your vital energies

humanism is obsolete

humor is a release

ideals are replaced by conventional goals at a certain age

if you aren’t political your personal life should be exemplary

if you can’t leave your mark give up

if you have many desires your life will be interesting

if you live simply there is nothing to worry about

ignoring enemies is the best way to fight

illness is a state of mind

imposing order is man’s vocation for chaos is hell

in some instances it’s better to die than to continue

inheritance must be abolished

it can be helpful to keep going no matter what

it is heroic to try to stop time

it is man’s fate to outsmart himself

it is a gift to the world not to have babies

it’s better to be a good person than a famous person

it’s better to be lonely than to be with inferior people

it’s better to be naive than jaded

it’s better to study the living fact than to analyze history

it’s crucial to have an active fantasy life

it’s good to give extra money to charity

it’s important to stay clean on all levels

it’s just an accident that your parents are your parents

it’s not good to hold too many absolutes

it’s not good to operate on credit

it’s vital to live in harmony with nature

just believing something can make it happen

keep something in reserve for emergencies

killing is unavoidable but nothing to be proud of

knowing yourself lets you understand others

knowledge should be advanced at all costs

labor is a life-destroying activity

lack of charisma can be fatal

leisure time is a gigantic smoke screen

listen when your body talks

looking back is the first sign of aging and decay

loving animals is a substitute activity

low expectations are good protection

manual labor can be refreshing and wholesome

men are not monogamous by nature

moderation kills the spirit

money creates taste

monomania is a prerequisite of success

morals are for little people

most people are not fit to rule themselves

mostly you should mind your own business

mothers shouldn’t make too many sacrifices

much was decided before you were born

murder has its sexual side

myth can make reality more intelligible

noise can be hostile

nothing upsets the balance of good and evil

occasionally principles are more valuable than people

offer very little information about yourself

often you should act like you are sexless

old friends are better left in the past

opacity is an irresistible challenge

pain can be a very positive thing

people are boring unless they are extremists

people are nuts if they think they are important

people are responsible for what they do unless they are insane

people who don’t work with their hands are parasites

people who go crazy are too sensitive

people won’t behave if they have nothing to lose

physical culture is second best

planning for the future is escapism

playing it safe can cause a lot of damage in the long run

politics is used for personal gain

potential counts for nothing until it’s realized

private property created crime

pursuing pleasure for the sake of pleasure will ruin you

push yourself to the limit as often as possible

raise boys and girls the same way

random mating is good for debunking sex myths

rechanneling destructive impulses is a sign of maturity

recluses always get weak

redistributing wealth is imperative

relativity is no boon to mankind

religion causes as many problems as it solves

remember you always have freedom of choice

repetition is the best way to learn

resolutions serve to ease our conscience

revolution begins with changes in the individual

romantic love was invented to manipulate women

routine is a link with the past

routine small excesses are worse than then the occasional debauch

sacrificing yourself for a bad cause is not a moral act

salvation can’t be bought and sold

self-awareness can be crippling

self-contempt can do more harm than good

selfishness is the most basic motivation

selflessness is the highest achievement

separatism is the way to a new beginning

sex differences are here to stay

sin is a means of social control

slipping into madness is good for the sake of comparison

sloppy thinking gets worse over time

solitude is enriching

sometimes science advances faster than it should

sometimes things seem to happen of their own accord

spending too much time on self-improvement is antisocial

starvation is nature’s way

stasis is a dream state

sterilization is a weapon of the rulers

strong emotional attachment stems from basic insecurity

stupid people shouldn’t breed

survival of the fittest applies to men and animals

symbols are more meaningful than things themselves

taking a strong stand publicizes the opposite position

talking is used to hide one’s inability to act

teasing people sexually can have ugly consequences

technology will make or break us

the cruelest disappointment is when you let yourself down

the desire to reproduce is a death wish

the family is living on borrowed time

the idea of revolution is an adolescent fantasy

the idea of transcendence is used to obscure oppression

the idiosyncratic has lost its authority

the most profound things are inexpressible

the mundane is to be cherished

the new is nothing but a restatement of the old

the only way to be pure is to stay by yourself

the sum of your actions determines what you are

the unattainable is invariable attractive

the world operates according to discoverable laws

there are too few immutable truths today

there’s nothing except what you sense

there’s nothing redeeming in toil

thinking too much can only cause problems

threatening someone sexually is a horrible act

timidity is laughable

to disagree presupposes moral integrity

to volunteer is reactionary

torture is barbaric

trading a life for a life is fair enough

true freedom is frightful

unique things must be the most valuable

unquestioning love demonstrates largesse of spirit

using force to stop force is absurd

violence is permissible even desirable occasionally

war is a purification rite

we must make sacrifices to maintain our quality of life

when something terrible happens people wake up

wishing things away is not effective

with perseverance you can discover any truth

words tend to be inadequate

worrying can help you prepare

you are a victim of the rules you live by

you are guileless in your dreams

you are responsible for constituting the meaning of things

you are the past present and future

you can live on through your descendants

you can’t expect people to be something they’re not

you can’t fool others if you’re fooling yourself

you don’t know what’s what until you support yourself

you have to hurt others to be extraordinary

you must be intimate with a token few

you must disagree with authority figures

you must have one grand passion

you must know where you stop and the world begins

you can understand someone of your sex only

you owe the world not the other way around

you should study as much as possible

your actions are pointless if no one notices

your oldest fears are the worst ones

Björk“All Is Full Of Love” (Live Box Verzzz) I...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:02:07 -0500

Björk
“All Is Full Of Love” (Live Box Verzzz)

I remember I woke up blisteringly hung over. It was one of those days where waking up seems like a numbered, ordered process. It’s kind of like being born, again. Five fingers? Five fingers? Five toes? Five toes? Watch. Cell Phone. Turn your brain on. Eyes open? Coughing. I peeled myself off the floor and got a few clothes on. I was at a friend’s house, but I didn’t want to leave exactly. I walk up the street to the coffee shop, but I stop in the dollar store to buy some lotion and a super ball. I’m sitting outside murdering the crossword and trying to keep the coffee down.

Later, I return walking a different route, and I hear this song and it’s one of those hung over epiphanic moments where your muddle-headedness has obscured the meaning of the world enough so that you think you might have started to grasp it.