Boho Girl

a new h{OM}e*

denise — Wed, 15 May 2013 07:00:08 +0000

This is my last post in this dreamy space. I honor how it has cradled and carried me.

My loves…I have a new h{OM}e.

Come, sit on the blanket of my fae field of dandelions. Waiting for you is a cup of earl gray tea with a touch of lavender, honey and cream. Inhale…make a wish on a dandelion, exhale…there your wishes go, dancing into the sky waiting to be born.

Mmmmm. Hope to see you there.

Love,

Denise

happy mama’s day*

denise — Sun, 12 May 2013 07:36:39 +0000

Oh how I adore this image of my marmie and me. My beautiful French Canadian mama.

Today I am going to share one of my most precious memories of her growing up. Every Spring, I would come in from outside with swollen itchy eyes because I was terribly allergic to pollen. She would lay my head in her lap and put a damp cold cloth on my eyes and then gently rub my cheeks and my forehead to soothe my sinuses. She would do this whenever I needed and for a very long time until the ache went away. I loved those moments with her so so much and I think about them often, especially during Spring when I come in from outside with puffy eyes. Just her and I laying there in quiet and feeling her soft fingers go round in gentle circles, smelling her musty lotion, hearing the rhythm of her breath. Oh how very safe I felt. Safe and loved.

What is one of the most precious memories you hold close of your mother?

an intimate hush*

denise — Wed, 08 May 2013 18:12:47 +0000

I can’t stop lingering at this image of my friend. Its is from a video she sent me this morning through text. I took a screen capture and sent it to her and wrote “look at you…”. I wanted her to see the peace in her breath, in this moment when she paused, closed her eyes, inhaled slowly, exhaled slowly and allowed a tender hush between her and my witness of her.

I loved so much this gift and the mirror this holy wholly moment was for me, that I asked her if she felt comfortable with me sharing it here with all of you. This was her response…

“Yes. Use it because it is intimate and there is no reason to avoid the intimate giving. All that matters is intimate. And all that matters makes us free”.

I am ever so grateful for the gentle souls that are surrounding me and my boys these days. For my friends and family members that understand how difficult it is for me to talk on the phone, not only because of Cedar’s sensitivity to frequencies and how they make him melt down but also my own sensitivity of balancing being on the phone with noise around me and how it hurts my head too and its hard to be present. They know it won’t always be like this as we work with Cedar through therapy but even if it was, I feel their acceptance, unconditional love and embracing of our needs. I love the videos and texts, emails and voice memos from my loves that are sent my way…to stay connected and close, without expectation. I love the patience with needing to set up phone dates when I am alone, parked in front of the sea or even the grocery store…just me and them, without distraction. Just writing this brings me to tears because of the love and honoring this brings into our life.

And then there are moments like this and this image of Janae (above) and how sometimes when words are not enough and its hard to not be close in the physical, that even through a video, she can allow herself pause and gaze, slow breath and connection to the love that we feel for each other. And the fact that its enough for her? Well, that feels so safe and free and is a gentle guide towards opening myself up and trusting deeper.

Sponsor Guest Post & GIVEaway*

denise — Wed, 01 May 2013 10:00:34 +0000

guest post by sas petherick

Can you imagine how freeing it would be, to feel
completely at home in your body?

What could you do, and who would you be, if you fell passionately in love with yourself: yourbody and your life? It is my humble and considered view that you would be un-freakin-stoppable!

I want you to know that you can have a conscious, trusting, peaceful relationship with your body.

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Everyone will get a gorgeous coaching journal packed full of exercises and ideas. Plus there is group coaching, meditation, and a supportive community all available in our private website.

Here’s a little morsel of the Coaching Journal, just for you.

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emBODYment will start on the 20th of May – it’s going to be six weeks of awesome.

Hope to see you in class

There are fifty places available – enrollment is open!

Big love,

Sas Petherick is a writer and coach: a Life Transformer for people who want an Amplified Life full of woo hoo! moments. She spent almost twenty years helping thousands of people navigate change in their place of work, before a combination of loss and grief prompted her own transformation path. A CTI trained Co-active Coach, Sas is currently training with Martha Beck’s Life Coaching Programme.

As well as emBODYment, Sas is coaching one-on-one and will be co-hosting Redfox Retreats in October 2013 with Susannah Conway and Meghan Genge. You can find out more at www.saspetherick.com and on the twits @saspetherick

GIVEaway rules:

:: Three chances to enter ::
To enter for a spot in Sas’s course, please leave a comment
If you Tweet about it, leave a second comment that you’ve tweeted
If you Facebook about it, leave a third comment that you’ve FB’d
Comments will remain open until 10pm PST Sunday, May 5th
Winner will be announced Monday, May 6th
COMMENTS CLOSED

Winner is Hollie from In a little green house! Congrats! We will contact you shortly. ; )

let the quiet…

denise — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 15:46:51 +0000

“…let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.” ~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

A dear friend sent this quote to me yesterday. Its as if reading it gave me permission to be okay with my quiet. Most days I have a lot to say, a lot to share but most times words do not adequately express. So I’m embracing the quiet of my days. The need for less words. The welcoming of gazes and sighs, of touch and holding, of lingering and breath.

In our culture, we are so accustom to needing to fill spaces with words. I know in my life, mostly in my writings, I fill fill fill…so many words and yet when in the flesh, I am drawn to quiet. I am drawn to sitting back and soaking in the feeling of the moment, the essence.

When I feel utterly safe with someone, they experience my comfort with quiet. I have surrounded myself with souls I feel safe with the last few years and there is much more quiet and pause in my life and in theirs.

So here is a gaze for you…the utter peace and light I felt in this moment as I captured this image of myself. I needn’t share all the reasons I arrived at this place of peace. Can you just see it in me? Sigh. Yes.

What does quiet feel like for you?

a pure way*

denise — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 23:28:06 +0000

A lot of you precious souls write to me asking how Cedar is doing since I wrote months ago about us receiving a possible diagnosis and our journey within the label/non label-ness of it all. We are so grateful for the love and care from those that have been following our journey as a family. The timing of your love notes is always so divine on those extra energy giving days for us. So many have also reached out because of being on a similar journey. A confirmation how healing being witnessed and understood can be.

This past year we’ve really cocooned with support from family, very patient close friends, his Naturopath and Occupational Therapist. This experience has been such a delicate and beautiful dance of listening to our hearts and our own intuition as parents, listening to Cedar, honoring wisdom from those that have gone before us and yet also surrendering to the not knowing (or needing to know) and finding what feels like home to us through it all.

We were told in the very beginning that a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome was really early to tell and to stay open as he progresses through therapy and lifestyle changes. As we read through our stacks of books on Asperger’s, there were some elements Cedar shared but so many he didn’t. We were fully aware through this process that not any one child fits in any box. Of course this felt so deeply true for us always even before all of this came to surface. So we remained open through our research. After months of therapy and evaluation, we have found that what we are navigating through is Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). This diagnosis and the wisdom that has come pouring forth from books and therapy and blogs has been such a blessing for us and for him.

I am, we are indeed one of those open, earthy families that believe in Crystal, Rainbow, Sun, Moon Starchild as a way of seeing his spirit and soul but we also surrender to and honor all wisdom that comes our way and it seems in this case, Western’s view on SPD has enlightened us on how to help him and he’s thriving. It helps my family have more compassion and understanding. It will help his teachers know better his special needs. I can only be grateful for this and its another life lesson in letting go of resistance to a label, letting go of judgment from others and surrendering to what my child needs.

As I shared with vulnerability before, we know in our hearts that Cedar is not defined by any one label or diagnosis. He is our Cedar…wholly and fully unique. He’s tender and highly sensitive (like his mama). He hears things we cannot hear (frequencies, wires in walls, etc) and he needs deep pressure/impact to feel things physically. He needs to be reminded that he’s hungry, hot, cold or has to go to the bathroom. He needs forewarning if a loud noise is coming (vacuum, blender, dishwasher) so he can prepare for what it does to his body. He struggles when more than one person is talking in a room, so he self soothes by making noises (hums, clicks or talks loud) to diffuse the sound in his head. If he is not in a centered space, there is a lot of melting down or inability to calm his mind and body. We try our best to honor these needs and not expose him to environments that are uncomfortable for him. We are also learning to be more brave by helping him (and us) practice self awareness in challenging situations where before we just avoided them all together for peace.

Unpredictability is what causes a lot of anxiety for him and to make things predictable, he often tries to control his environment and his imagination is what feels safe to him. He will approach people and say he is another creature and they are another creature and all of a sudden, he is taking them on an adventure. He doesn’t have normal conversations. ; ) He has a wild imagination and those that go along with him and enter into his beautiful world of creatures and magic, not only gain his trust and love but they leave his presence so filled up with other-worldliness. My marmie calls him “the storyteller”…and that he can do (all. day. long.).

What our son is, is deeply connected. Deeply sensitive. Deeply intuitive. This is how we see him…and really, he is such a mirror for us. We too have so many of these needs, his daddy and me. We have learned through this process to honor these needs in each of us.

My husband is so amazing when it comes to information. He’s constantly doing research on how to heal the body from within, especially for children with sensitivities like our Cedar and those on the spectrum. For our own journey through fertility and other things, healing has always been about what we put into our bodies and how it affects our mind, body and spirit. After months of trying so many different diets for Cedar, we have discovered what are triggers for his sensory needs and what nourishes him and helps his body to regulate his senses.

Below I will share what we’ve learned in order to offer some nuggets of help to those that are on a similar path but also to keep those informed that care for our family deeply of where we are today. I realize what works for one child, may not for another. Its all part of exploring our uniqueness!

Here’s our daily gig of healing:

Occupational therapy once a week. Every other week he joins another boy in the therapy room so they can learn together how to move through social anxieties and fears in a warm, loving, gentle environment. Playing with children can feel so unpredictable to Cedar and what feels safe and predictable is to control his environment by controlling play. This has made it an emotional experience to connect with other children. This therapy sharing has really helped him be open to other children’s needs and ideas. Its helped him be more brave and open in social situations.
Gluten Free/Grain Free diet. If he does do grains, only brown rice and quinoa feel good in his body but not in excess…just bits at a time.
No peanuts
No bananas
No dairy with the exception of goats cheese/milk
No safflower or sunflower oil
No sunflower seeds
Cashew nut butter only (he has a reaction from almond, peanut and sunflower butters)
High doses of Omega 3 oils (five of these & two of these, both in the morning and late afternoon).
Probiotics (one in morning, one in afternoon) are crucial because we notice that if he is able to digest what goes into his body well, then energy will go towards what he needs for his sensory system rather than energy being used up for his digestion.
Vitamin D3 (one tablet daily in morning)
We cook for him with walnut and grapeseed oil. After watching the film Lorenzo’s Oil (true story), my husband did research and discovered the miracle piece to the oil came from walnuts. When we started using these oils for him, we noticed a shift immediately. We start his day with breakfast sauteed heavy in walnut oil (scrambled fresh eggs from our neighbor, organic sausage, potatoes) with some coconut milk yogurt and a wee bit of berries. He needs to start his day with a breakfast mostly of protein with plenty of those oils and that sets him up for a day feeling better in his body.
He eats nothing processed, no artificial colors, artificial flavors and no sugars. The only sweetener he can tolerate is honey.
Body movement. Cedar’s occupational therapist describes his sensory needs as a “sensory bank account”. The more you deposit into his account, the better his sensory system can regulate itself. The more that is taken out, the more depleted an unable to regulate he becomes. The best way to fill his account up is with body movement, body impact (deep hugs, deep pressure placed on body, pillow sandwich, running, climbing, pulling, jumping, stretching).
Music therapy
We often create dark spaces for him to go to (tents, forts, huge boxes with pillows and blankets inside where he places battery operated candles for low light). This helps him when he is overstimulated and overwhelmed. He’ll read a book or watch a film or play an educational game in these dark spaces until he’s ready to surface.
Nurturing ourselves: All of this requires a lot of energy and taking time to ourselves (romantic dates, coffee shops, me working on an ecourse, my husband getting massages for his carpel tunnel) helps us be more present for Cedar when we are with him.
Nature, nature, nature…is his most healing place. There he can connect in a way where there is no pressure to connect. Trees, earth, stones, sand and water just get him.

How we communicate these changes we’ve made in our life to Cedar is that we are trying to “help his body feel good”. What we’ve seen in him as we’ve poured our energy into this journey is that he is so much more in tune with his body. He is beginning to communicate in words what feels like too much or what he needs. He will tell his babysitter “my body doesn’t feel good when I eat those” or he will ask if he can leave the room when there are too many people. He will tell us he needs to be held tightly or he will tell us he doesn’t want to be touched. He is not always able to use his words but many times he does and this is so precious to us.

After spending time communicating with Cedar in a very other worldly way, his Naturopath shared with us that he believes Cedar is a sentient being and these beings that are sent to earth with a message are very sensitive to anything that isn’t pure.

Truly, that is what brought it all together for me. That simple message of purity. Pure…oh how I love that word and really, its been such a guide for us: Pure, simple, clean, clear, whole, organic. Aren’t all of our bodies in need of this, especially when we are in a sensitive space?

Om.

denise — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 22:38:00 +0000

In this moment. Breath. Light. Spirit. (Be)ing.

Sometimes. Most times, this is all we need to do.

{aubrey from utah…this is for you}

blossoming in our gables*

denise — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 15:25:53 +0000

The sun is beginning to break through our gray skies. Sometimes even for a whole day and the blossoms crave it wildly. They stretch their pedals wider and faster than I have ever seen. Growing up a California girl (living in both Northern and Southern), the Sun was always out to play but here in the Pacific Northwest, its so precious and flora grows at a speed that is so foreign to me. One day there will be a fully green bush, the next day it will be covered in blossoms. Its awe inspiring to witness.

Flowers are making their way into my home by way of sweet children these days. The neighborhood girls had a flower stand the other day with fresh cut branches and flowers around their home placed in vases to sell on a table in front of their house. It was the sweetest sight and two of them came to my door with a bouquet that Boho Boy had bought for me. Cedar has learned his daddy’s romantic ways. Most every time he goes outside to play he runs inside “Mommy, this is for you…” with a handful of cherry blossoms scrunched in his palm or dandelions and sometimes rocks, leaves and rose pedals. When he goes down to our bay, he fills his pockets with shells and sea glass and feathers. We have a woven tray to keep his treasures (photo above) and I’ve been inspired to create beauty in our home from them.

My boys and I are blossoming in this home and for quite some time I’ve not allowed myself to believe that these yellow gables and lush land could be ours. My twenties and thirties were full of so much uprooting that I didn’t even consciously realize how used to being unattached to people and things I became. I knew I’d be leaving soon or at least I felt so much a gypsy that if leaving wasn’t in the plans I knew it would be. I giggle as I write this because it makes me think of the film Chocolat. I resonate with Vianne in many ways. I think this is why online connections felt safer for me. For many reasons but one important one being I could stay connected regardless where I lived. I have lived here in Bellingham for almost two years and I am just now it seems allowing myself to sink in some roots. We just recently made a decision that we would love to purchase this home and because both my husband and I are gypsies, it took us almost losing it to come to that decision. We didn’t consciously realize we were not fully rooting until the possibility to root ourselves was swept under are feet.

I was standing out front of our house in the middle of the street last night with some neighbors who are becoming quite close friends of ours. We were out there, huddled close with our children getting soaked by the rain (unexpectedly) and my heart felt so full. I hadn’t realized I was keeping my friend at arms length. She lives next door and is a dream and yet I was afraid to get too close. She’s been very patient with my heart.

beautiful charity and us following our children on a forest path up the street

Now that we are staying, I feel all of this release…in so many ways, this openness and yearning to give of myself (and receive) to that which surrounds me, both in and around my home and with those souls that dwell here. None of this even felt conscious until we decided to root ourselves in this home. Its almost as if a veil has lifted.

With our landlord living next door, I haven’t felt the freedom to make this land my own and have not done much to it yet. But now that we will purchase this home, we are so inspired with ideas. I haven’t gardened much (aside from planting lavender in the ground last year at the blue house). Up until now I have only planted in pots. I have so much to learn! But our dream is to plant a veggie garden, herb garden and arbors with ivy and flowers growing up and around it. I am not one to be attracted to manicured pieces of land. I love the wild and overgrown yet a lot of tender care. Our landlord said for years she has wanted to impart her wisdom onto someone and I told her I am her gal.

If any of you are familiar with this climate and have wisdom to offer about gardening, I am all ears (and heart).

Mmmmm…h(OM)e sweet h(OMe). Is this really happening?

Easter brings newness to our boy*

denise — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 19:26:31 +0000

us en route to vancouver. someone is a wee excited!

The eve of Good Friday, my boys and I were curled up by the fire and Cedar shared with us that he was ready to get his hair cut. I could hear the readiness in his voice. He has talked about it before only to be followed with a fierce “no!” once he realized a part of him would be gone. We’ve been gentle about it with him. We know that transitions of any kind are especially hard on his spirit. So many times he has referred to his curls as “pets” and made it clear often how much he cherished them. I intuited they offered him safeness (and sameness). Of course I cherished his locks too, as did anyone that spent time with him. Although they were now down to his bum and on their way to dreadlocks and constantly up in buns or ponies. So we understood that he was ready for soft and new, just like I was last year. So harmonious with our honoring the New Life that Easter brings.

We told him that we will revisit it again in the morning to see if it still feels right to him and if it did, we would make an appointment that day.

Morning came and he crawled into my bed. While we were snuggling, he looked in my eyes and whispered…“Hair cut. I’m ready.” My heart both leapt and sunk at once. This was truly the day. The day to let go of those gorgeous untouched baby curls!

A few months ago we stumbled upon a really cool children’s salon called The Hair Loft. Its sits on the top floor of the Kids Market on Granville Island in Vancouver, BC. Inside there are chairs in the shape of cars and trains as cartoon characters (Thomas the Train, Lightening McQueen, Dora the Explorer, etc) and there are televisions inside the walls playing animated films or shows. I called them Saturday morning and they had an opening at 4pm! Off to Vancouver we went for the day…

I was so in awe of his bravery. Cedar is very particular about who he allows to touch him. He is very sensitive to peoples energies and of course to any kind of caress. Especially with his hair. I wondered if when the stylist started working her magic on his hair, if he would melt down and we would turn around and go home but quite the contrary, he was just so determined!

Out of all the cars available to sit in, he chose the one that wasn’t a cartoon character at all but a beautiful vintage convertible. He’s so my boy!! ; )

He asked the stylist if his daddy could brush his hair first. I was proud that rather than push her away or start screaming, he asked for what he needed. This has been a huge shift in our world for him and for us after a few months of occupational therapy and us working with him to take deep breaths and find his words so we know what he needs.

The stylist cut off his curls in one swoop, handed it to me and I put those locks in a special box I found at an antique store years ago near my parents home. My sister said she wanted me to save her a lock and I want one too.

I’m giggling as I am writing all of this about his hair but THAT is how much me and my family have cherished it and Cedar has too. Its just been such a huge part of him and that is why shedding it was such a good practice. For him, for us. It felt like a very similar emotional and spiritual process when I got my dreadlocks and then again when I cut them and combed them out. New life. New Beginnings…

So many mothers have shared with me that they have cried when their child got their first hair cut and watched their baby curls fall to the floor. And goodness I cry just about every day because I am such an emotional being. But I stood back and felt his bravery and stepped into it, for me, for him…and it became such a celebration!

The last few days we’ve been gazing at him. Our boy now truly looks so grown and he feels it too and dare I say its even brought on a bit of sass in his ways. ; )

He said he wanted to look like one of the guys from the band the Beatles (his favorite band) I think the stylist pulled it off with a bit of a modern twist.

Here he is the morning after on Easter. He woke up and immediately put on his boots and sweater to go fetch the eggs the Easter Bunny hid the night before. At the end of the egg trail was a basket full of gifts. We had painted the eggs with natural dye as soon as we got home from Vancouver. It was such a glorious morning…

vulnerability, ego and laughter*

denise — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 22:46:39 +0000

The other day I laid on my bed laughing at myself with a friend. Laughter that came from my deepest places. Laughter that moved around the parts that felt stuck . I had just been extremely vulnerable with her and in my vulnerable, I knew I was taking a risk sharing these parts of myself that are achy and dark, hurty and insecure, uncertain and fumbly. My vulnerable was witnessed by her, fully witnessed and yet, I was still so very loved and seen, really seen, understood and even celebrated. In her witnessing, I somehow was able to fully witness myself. And in that moment, a sweet release of laughter came forth.

I’ve been so protective the last few years. In my cocoon, healing the raw…inviting few into my world. I needed to do this. It was not easy and quite foreign for me but somehow it felt good in my bones to be this protective of myself, of what surrounded me in the physical. I gave so much light for so long and it was time for me to surrender to the dark that was left and rest alone in it. The cozy womb of safety and ease, simple and hushed. Man, so much was revealed to me about myself while in this sacred womb. And now, is the laboring of birthing myself again…the core of me. I am surfacing gently, slowly…moving towards those spaces where I can be seen. I know its time…time for me to enter back into the uncomfortable bits of opening myself up again. It’s freeing along side stilling along side extremely raw. Stilling in that I feel so much that was once in my life has moved on from me…up and out, beyond my grasp and that is when I realize, the grasping is what needed to cease and the surrender of Trust is what needs to be present for me.

My laughter, head down on my bed, rolling to my back, stopping, breathing and laughing again was me recognizing how much my ego was finding its way through what I was sharing with her and it is my ego that I have practiced letting go of the past few years. How quickly it returns when you’re wanting so badly to fit back into a space you once were and prove to those around you that you are worthy enough to be there. But oh my dear heart…when I let go of my ego, I don’t need to belong anywhere really but h(OM)e within myself. Exactly where I am and who I am in that moment.

You see…I am writing an e-course with a dear friend and we hope to launch it by this Summer and this…this has brought me so much life because I/we have lived so deeply in what we want to put out into the world. We are still in it and it feels huge to invite others into this for me. I’ve been so protective and quiet, so to be seen again in this way…its vulnerable and frightening and yet heart stirring and life bringing to walk into this unknown.

I’m different than I was. I’m truer to myself and those around me. I’ve been deeply humbled. And the best most yummiest part is that I laugh at myself more often. Whole heartedly belly laugh at myself.

The words of my friend…

She poured out her self, abandoned her ego, and laughed. Again and again, head down, healing poured through her, and light flowed. She knew herself, knew her Love, and spread it down the bed, across the mountains, and through the portal of sisterhood, into my lap.

Mmmmm…yes.