Bonkers.me

Protected: My life’s a mess (Tweet Me for Password)

admin — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 14:33:58 +0000

Happy Frickin’ New Year!

admin — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 22:06:38 +0000

I actually don’t really enjoy all the new year hype, and its dragged out way too long for my liking! As far as I can remember, I have cried every single time the clock has ticked over to a new year (or I have woken up in a new year. Our family doesn’t celebrate it, so as a child, I never stayed up!). I used to think that it was because I was happy for a new year, which maybe it was originally. As a child, I used to think that the stuff that was happening to me would stop because it was a new year, what with all the ‘fresh start’ malarky, but obviously it didn’t until my stepdad left.
However, its been 3 years now, and I still cry.
This year, the beginning of 2012 (which I entered stone cold sober for the first time in 3 years!), I think I finally put my finger on it! When the clock ticked over I didn’t feel happy, nor relieved or anything like that! I felt really, intensely unhappy mixed in with feelings of dread. I stood outside having a smoke, and I just thought ‘Still here for another year’. I thought about all the stuff I’m going to be facing this year, and what I did last year and I just sank into a massive pit of negativity and stayed there. It wasn’t until I wrote the blog on Vintaged, with the list of some of the good things that happened in 2011 (which took me about 4 hours to conjure up!) a few days ago that I felt a tiny bit better about things because I realised, that whilst the list was quite short and simple, like things I did with my Mum, I lived for those few special things that year and remembering them made me smile, and made all the crappier things seem less significant.

I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how crap a year has felt, there will always be something, however big or small it may be, that will upon reflection, make you smile… and the fact that its made you smile, in itself, has made the year worth it. :)

Stuck between a rock and a hard place

admin — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:39:45 +0000

Not quite sure what to do about life right now.
Last night I got incredibly drunk, which I hate but love at the same time, because when you are drunk you basically lose control of your senses, but life seems better and problem free. Maybe thats why Simon turned into an alcoholic? So that his life felt better for a few hours? If thats the case then everything is even more my fault.
But anyway… I was incredibly drunk and I remember going outside and this guy called George, who I had coffee with earlier on in the week, started talking to me. Which was fine. Until he grabbed my face and shoved his tongue down my throat… Full on ‘face rape’ right there. I sorta pushed him away, making the excuse that we were both drunk etcetc, and he was like “but I really like you”. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Back at home, guys wouldn’t go near me! Here, I’ve got guys asking me to go out for coffee with them, telling me I’m pretty, flirting with me and all that! And I feel megaaa bad saying this but they all seem really weird! Anyway, George did this TWICE. And the second time he did it I started panicking because he was being pretty forceful and I could tell he wasn’t listening to me… I felt that if I didn’t do something it was going to escalate, and if it did there would be nothing I could do about it because I’d just let it happen rather than fight. That’s just how I do it. With Simon, if I fought back, things got worse, so I just learnt to shut down and let him go at me, and that was a more than daily occurance over all those years, so I guess it stuck. Anyway, I asked probably the two people I am closest to here, to help me out. Which they did and I couldn’t be more grateful!
I also made out with another guy, but that was more for jokes and it was on my terms, so I wasn’t bothered by it. I feel trashy though… This isn’t me. Making out with random guys is not something I would normally do, even drunk! But everyone else here seems to do it, so I guess maybe I feel I should too? I just wanna be seen as a fun & bubbly person at the end of the day. People suspect less that way.
I can’t believe I’m actually complaining about this social stuff… I’m not used to people wanting to be around me, and I don’t understand why they WOULD want to hang out with me and everything. I don’t understand why ANYONE likes me, and I couldn’t tell you why I think that, I just do… Ergh…Why am I beating myself up over it and questioning everything? People actually WANT to be my friend… I should be getting on with life instead of getting paranoid over WHY! Stupid, STUPID brain.

So yeah, I’m a bit stuck now, because I unfortunately I remember what happened with George, and he wants to go out for coffee again in the week, but I feel kinda unconfortable and insecure around him now. I want to say no and that I just want to be friends, but I can’t just do that to people. I don’t have the heart to turn people away, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings! :/

Mental Breakdown

admin — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 23:48:49 +0000

Things aren’t looking too good at the moment, in my head anyway. I’m enjoying university… somewhat. So far my course has been pretty dire. Most of the stuff I’m studying, I already covered at A-Level. Apart from Statistics, which is DEAD boring: I’ve had 4 statistics lectures now and all we have done is gone over bar charts, histograms, how to work out the mean… BASIC BASIC maths.
Social-wise, I think I’m doing ok. Whilst I still haven’t been out to the university club (although I did go out to a club the other week against my will… heh), I do make a point of leaving my room, even if I don’t want to.
Mental-wise, I don’t think I’m doing all that well. I keep noticing I’m obsessing a lot more than usual over my weight and counting calories a lot more. I’m also barely eating lunch anymore. If I do its something low calorie (like, under 100). I WISH I could skip dinner but I can’t really since all my flatmates eat the same dinner together (kinda like a family), and I KNOW they will suspect and I promised myself that here, NOONE is going to know about any of my issues (although one guy does know, but thats another story which I’ll explain later). I’ve also started playing badminton and going to the gym. The stupid thing is, I KNOW its bad, but the other side of my brain just won’t listen to me. I can’t stop it. I can feel that I’m relapsing, but I can’t get the grip on it to stop. ITS SO FUCKING CONFUSING.
I also seem to have become somewhat of an insomniac. I lay in bed for HOURS at night and just can’t sleep. At first it was just a few nights a week and I shrugged it off, putting it down to noise and stuff. But now its pretty much every night. Ill get to sleep eventually, but at like 6am. Which isn’t good if I have an early lecture, because I end up missing it… I’m thinking I’m going to make a doctors appointment if this problem doesn’t clear up by the end of the week, because it’s getting really tiring.
I got hideously drunk on Saturday too. I wanted to forget who I was, even if it was just for a night. The suicidal thoughts have started creeping back…
Oh yeah, and I think I’m in the midst of having a nervous breakdown. I’ve already had two burnouts in a week. One of them was pretty major… I could barely function. It was really pretty scary because I didn’t have any idea what was happening and it lasted HOURS. I spoke to my Mum about it the next day, as I was lying in bed because I was on such a low that I just couldn’t move, and she said it sounded like the start of one. So I need to be careful.
OH YEAH. I was clean from self harm for 5 months (the longest I have EVER gone in 6 years) and I screwed it up. Pretty much back to daily now.
Fuck. Now I’ve typed it, I think I can say I’ve had a total relapse in EVERYTHING. I don’t even know why because I thought I was fine. I think I like it here! And I’m not homesick or anything. :/ Ergh. Dunno what to do. :(

Im such a loser.

admin — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 21:42:55 +0000

So, I’m all moved into university now. And I got on campus accommodation! Mum wanted to speak to the accommodation office about why I hadn’t got any even though I have these illnesses, and they were like “Oh, a girl literally just dropped out on her way here”. WINNING! Its even ensuite! Its a little expensive (even though its very basic and really small and the kitchen is pretty dismal), but at least I dont have to worry about bills for my first year, and Ill get to meet people.
As for people, the people in my corridor (its sort of set out like a dorm… divided into 3 sections down one long corridor… everyone has fancy key card things and you have to swipe it to get into your room and the kitchen that you share), they seem really nice. Although I do feel like a bit of a loser. I think they are already giving up on me. But y’know, I dont want to go out getting smashed every single night of freshers, and I dont want to go out to every event and stand in a que for 3 hours freezing my nuts off! I feel like I’m being too quiet, but I dunno. I just feel like a loser atm because I’m sat in my room blogging while everyone is out.
I dont think I’m eating very well either, but I don’t know. My vision for that kinda stuff is jaded isnt it? However, I do feel like I’m eating too little… which I guess is a breakthrough. But I havent been doing anything about it. :/ I guess it doesnt help that I cant cook. Stupid brain.
There is a guy on my corridor who we barely see. He is doing the same course as me but he is like, 30 and in his second year. He is REAL quiet! We didnt know his name until last night… we called him ‘Seedman’ because his food cupboard is full of seeds and nuts and herbs (turns out he is a veggie!). But he came out with us last night and it was a bit awkward and I got a bit drunk said a few things I probably shouldnt have, but then he was pretty drunk too so he probably didnt remember…
Ergh.
So yeah, I’m not settling in all that well, but hopefully it will get easier.

This is more than a palava. ITS A DISASTER!

admin — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 21:56:44 +0000

So, I get told today, 8 days before I am due to move out to university, that there is no accommodation left. Which basically means I have to rent privately. WHICH IS FREAKING EXPENSIVE. Its also highly unsociable, unless you manage to house share with people, which is recommended. So there goes my plan to actually have some friends and a social life! :/
For the past 5 hours I’ve been scouring every single site to find rooms, houses, people to share with… Ironic isnt it, how you spend your life being told by parents and school not to meet strangers from the internet, yet here we are, hundreds of students, being told to find someone ON THE INTERNET to not just meet but LIVE with!
My search is failing quite a bit. I was on the priority list for ensuite accommodation on campus (cos as you know, I’m crazy), and ensuite accommodation wasn’t exactly rare at uni. However, trying to find an ensuite room to rent is like trying to find a freaking needle in a haystack!

I GIVE UP! I spent my life trying and trying and trying, but nothing ever goes TOTALLY right… something along the way always screws up. Just for once in my life, why cant something go smoothly! :(

Oh, and alongside the possibility of being homeless for the first few weeks of uni (its ok, I have the offer of a sofa down there, so not /on-the-streets/ homeless), I’m probably going to be missing half the equipment I need, because my entitlement for my Disabled Students Allowance hasnt been confirmed yet because my assessment report (I got told after 2 WEEKS of waiting for an answer), HADN’T ARRIVED. Anotherwords, it either actually got lost in the post, or they were using that to cover their asses.

ARGH. IM SO ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
Well, more at myself… If I just stuck to my original university instead of being a snob and going through the adjustment process to go to a uni 10x better (Kent), just cos I got wayyy better grades than expected, I wouldnt have these problems. My fault. As per usual.

Grand Opening… HUZZAH!

admin — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 22:30:51 +0000

Finally got round to creating and opening my personal blog! Basically, this is the place where I shall share every gory detail of my life. ;P Some things of course will be password protected just because… well… this is like a diary; whilst some things you can read, there are some bits strictly for the writers own eyes. ;P
Thought I would open it because I’ve kind of neglected my hand-written diary this last year. Why? Because I’m always online at night! Well, not ALWAYS, but y’know how it is. You sit down to read twitter for 5 mins before you go to bed, and you end up online till 3am. :/ So, being the obvious genius I am, I figured I may as well have my diary online! So here we are!
Literally, its just a blog. This site consists of only two pages; my favourite blog links and the about me page! No flashy, in-yo-face theme. No biggie!
So that concludes my welcome blog. You may want to check out the ‘About Me’ page, because I am certain you will need to as there are things on there which I would not have published on Vintaged.
Oh, and somewhere on the site, you may infact find a clue to my latest miniture project! Find it, tell me via twitter, and I shall give you an invisible cookie ^.^

Tester Post!

admin — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 21:45:38 +0000

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