Food is such a natural, sensual thing—for men and women alike—with its different textures and flavors. Depending on what you’re eating, it can be a very hands-on experience, which is good. It’s oral.

Cooking isn’t as difficult as it appears. If you shop well, chances are your meal will be a success. Don’t panic; buy good products.

Be creative, but familiar

My cooking style is Midwestern-driven, based on local, seasonal, sustainable ingredients. I try to be very approachable – familiar, but with a twist. I’ll do something like foie gras bratwurst—diners who may not be familiar with foie gras but who are familiar with bratwurst may want to give this dish a try.

This familiarity will put a woman at ease and will work in your favor. Remember, it all starts with the right ingredients. Women love lobster and oysters. They love strawberries and champagne, as well as caviar and champagne. When you put those combinations in your mouth they complement each other and really stimulate your palate.

Women like vegetables, beautiful fresh greens with a light vinaigrette, chicken, and pasta. (Eighty percent of the pasta we sell at my restaurant is ordered by women.) Mac and cheese with roasted chicken, and goat cheese and fresh rosemary are also winning meals. And always serve a rich, fudgey, chocolate concoction or crème brulee for dessert.

Stay away from big hunks of beef and heavy, rich, cream sauces. You don’t want the person you are cooking for to be so full from dinner that they want to take a nap afterward. You’ll also want to avoid organ meats: sweetbreads, foie gras, kidneys, liver, pork belly, and sausage.

If you do serve meat, I think it’s a good idea to always slice it before serving. It makes a nicer presentation and it’s easier to eat. Always take meat off the bone and remove the head from the fish.

Romance is in the effort

Probably the most romantic dinner I ever cooked for my wife was on the only year we ever closed the restaurant for New Year’s Eve. I got lobsters, clams, crab legs, fresh artichokes, and fingerling potatoes. I made a very refined version of a clambake.

I served it with a citrus butter. We sat on the floor in front of a fire and ate dinner and drank champagne. It was so simple. We ate everything with our hands, and it was wonderful.

An aside for the hopeless

If you’re completely incompetent in the kitchen, go to one of your favorite local restaurants and buy everything from them. You just warm it up, serve it, and look like the star. You can be as honest or dishonest as you wish to be, but I recommend lying. Say you did it all yourself.

Familiarity

Cooking for a spouse is easier than cooking for a date, because you know the person better so there is not as much risk involved. You know their likes and dislikes. So you don’t have to play everything so close to the cuff. But on the other hand, these dinners tend to be less romantic. Conversations tend to be more about work and family matters—it’s harder to escape all that, but the conversation is a lot more honest.

With a date, you’ll know if things have gone well if she’s still there the next morning. In that case, I’m a big fan of poached eggs; I would do an eggs Benedict on a toasted muffin or biscuit with some nice prosciutto. Some fresh-squeezed orange juice. Some French roast coffee. Fresh fruits like pineapples and melons are also perfect for breakfast in bed.

Buying the Right Ingredients

On fish: A lot of people are afraid to cook fish. They don’t know what to look for when buying fish. For some reason, there is less fear that we will buy a bad steak than a bad piece of fish.

Build a relationship with the people who sell you your fish. Learn how to check for good product: Make sure the fish is firm and that it doesn’t smell like ammonia or lemon water. Ask the fishmonger what he likes. It is perfectly acceptable to ask him if you can smell the fish. Press on the flesh gently and make sure it’s firm and elastic. Your fingerprint shouldn’t remain in the flesh.

Always try to buy wild fish over farmed fish. Cook fish at 300 degrees until the internal temperature is 140 degrees. Let it rest a minute and serve. Fish is quicker to cook than meat.

On local product: It’s wise to cook food that is prevalent where you live. As far as seasonal availability, most grocery stores now let you know where the product is from. Look for products that are grown as close to your home as possible. Organic tends to be more seasonally grown and is usually a better product.

Stay away from the huge brands of chicken. Instead, look for the Amish-raised or smaller-run operations. They tend be higher quality.

Food is like anything else; you get what you pay for. If there are two different brands of chicken breasts side by side and one’s $2 a pound more expensive than the other, chances are it’s a better product.

Cheese plate: I look for artisanal cheeses. Strive for variety; serve a cow’s-milk cheese, a goat’s-milk cheese, and a sheep’s-milk cheese.

Vary the levels of pungency from mild to slightly pungent—I wouldn’t go too pungent for a dinner date. Also, mix soft cheeses with semi-soft and firmer ones.

Serve with crostini, crackers, a nice fruit marmalade, and some spicy pecans, along with a nice port. Or, if you are serving French cheeses, pair them with wine from the same region. It seems as if the cheese is deliberately made to go with the wine. I stay away from whites.

It Starts With the Right Equipment

When you’re buying equipment for the home kitchen, buy it as you need it, because it’s better to buy one really nice piece of equipment at a time than to get a low price for a bunch of junk. Take your time and build your collection. It doesn’t matter if everything matches; get goodquality, as you need it.

Make sure you at least have one sharp, high-quality chef’s knife. You can do 90 percent of all home cooking with your chef’s knife. So instead of buying the whole block set of knives, take the money you would spend on the block and buy a good chef’s knife.

Also, if you aren’t good with a sharpening steel, it’s a good idea to get an electric Chef’s Choice sharpener. Run your knife through once a week and it will help keep a sharp blade.

I love the micro-plane zesters for grating hard cheeses and zesting citrus. It’s probably my favorite kitchen gadget. You will also want to buy good-quality pans, such as Calphalon, All-Clad. Get hard anodized aluminum, stainless steel, or copper.

Again, you don’t need every single pan, but get a really nice sauté pan because that’s what you’re going to be using for 80 percent of your cooking.

About the Author: Michael Symon is the chef/owner of Lola Bistro in Cleveland, Ohio. A Culinary Institute of America graduate, he has won numerous awards and his eatery was named one of Gourmet magazine’s top fifty restaurants in America. Symon appears on the Food Network’s Melting Pot show and was one of the chefs featured in The Soul of a Chef by Michael Ruhlman (Penguin, 2001).

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1. This is our favorite. Nothing can beat this drum.

2. This one is similar to the last one in shape but smaller. But, to his credit, he can do away with tables while dining.

3. How the heck is he playing football?

4. Old but gold!

5. April fool dog, that’s baby fat (with boobies)!

6. Got ya once more!

7. Not bad! Stop showing off, we’ve seen better.

8. What is that?

Guys, if you have beer bellies, then share it here. Or, if you have better beer bellies’ collection than ours, challenge us.

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2. Why Beer Beats a Girl
3. None of your Damn Business

Some gestures have very different meanings in some countries from what we as Westerners believe them to stand for. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Particularly popular with fans at football matches to taunt opposition players, Tony Blair famously copped a bit of embarrassment when the uncensored version of a photograph of him during his Oxford University days was shown on BBC2’s Newsnight: a photo that had later been photoshopped by the supplying press agency to cover up Blair’s rude – and delightfully unambiguous – hand gesture. Yes, Tony. You are.

Interestingly, in Greece and Portugal the gesture is made with the palm facing the ground, implying that the person is rather fonder of wanking other men as opposed to himself.

2. The “Thumbs-Up”
First of all, let’s quash the urban legend of the ‘thumbs-up/thumbs-down’ being used by the audience in the Roman coliseum to vote on the life or death of a defeated gladiator, as furthered by such movies as Gladiator and Spartacus. There’s no evidence for this, and it’s just massively unlikely. Sorry.

While Western culture has become used to the thumbs-up as a positive, informal signal, generally indicating a job well done (probably stemming from World War II pilots using the signal to communicate that they were “good to go” with ground crews), there are cultures where a thumbs-up may land you in trouble. In most of Latin America and West Africa, as well as Greece, Russia, Sardinia and the south of Italy, the thumbs-up basically means the same as the middle finger: “sit on it and swivel”. Also, it’s generally not recommended to use the thumbs-up around the Middle East as it’s pretty much the biggest insult out there – and even worse if you pull off the emphatic version with both hands – so no Fonzie impressions, please.

Rather more charming is a thumbs-up in Germany and in the less-Westernised areas of Japan – they just see it as the hand signal for the number one. Bless.

3. The “Moutza”
Opening your palm to your target and stretching out your fingers seems harmless enough to most Westerners. Most of us would think you’re waving. In Greece, however, the gesture is known as a moutza, and is one of their most traditional manual insults. With fingers slightly apart, you thrust your hand into your target’s face, usually coupling the gesture with a brash “na!”, meaning “here you go!”. The basic suggestion is something like “eat shit”, implying that you’re not particularly impressed and would rather the target of the moutza leave you alone – comparable to the American interpretation of the same signal as “talk to the hand, because the face isn’t listening”.

The gesture is also an insulting one in Pakistan and many parts of Africa. The Japanese use a very similar sign to insult their old enemies, the Koreans. Roughly translating as ‘animal’, the signal is similar to the moutza in every way except they tuck the thumb into the palm.

Amusingly, Microsoft used to use a very similar-looking hand signal as an icon for warning dialogs in previous versions of Windows – what Greek users must have thought of that, I don’t know… “This application has performed an illegal operation – now, eat shit!”.

4. The “Dog Call”
Curling your index finger towards you in a summoning motion is a gesture generally linked with seductive temptresses in Hollywood movies, beckoning for their targeted men to follow them into another room.

Beware, however, of using this gesture in the Philippines – it’s a method of communication considered worthy only to use on dogs, and is actually punishable by arrest. Worst of all, they’ll break your index finger in order to prevent you from committing the same crime again!

5. The “A-OK”
Mainly used by scuba divers to mean “OK” (to prevent ambiguity with the thumbs-up sign, which means “ascend”), this hand gesture is generally called ‘A-OK’, and in America and the UK is often used to tell somebody that they’ve made a great meal, as talking with your mouth would just be impolite. Essentially the meaning comes out as “great”, or “absolutely fine”.

Not so, however, in a few countries in Europe, where the numerical interpretation gives the signal an insulting overtone – essentially you’re telling them that you think they’re a ‘zero’.

Far worse, however, is the meaning in Brazil, Germany and a few Mediterranean countries: the circular shape of the gesture gives it the meaning of “anus”, and is therefore used to call somebody an “asshole”, or, by extension, a homosexual. You probably wouldn’t learn that in most of the German courses London has to offer.

6. The “Cutis”
While there isn’t really an equivalent in Western culture, the cutis in Indian and Pakistani culture is basically a thumbs-up, except you push the nail on your thumb against your front teeth and flick, while saying “cutta!”. It basically amounts to “screw you”, and famously appeared in the media when Pakistani fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar made the gesture in Melbourne as he left the field for a rain delay during the 2004 test series against Australia.

7. The “V Sign”
The age-old ‘V sign’ comes in two formats: one with the palm faced outwards, and one with the palm inwards. In America the two hand signals mean the same thing – ‘victory’, as popularised by Richard Nixon, or ‘peace and love’, which seemed to become the primary meaning after anti-Vietnam protesters used it during the 60s.

However, if the outside of your hand is facing your target, you’re giving somebody a long-established insult in Great Britain and many English-speaking countries such as Australia, Ireland and New Zealand. Winston Churchill famously used the ‘incorrect’ version of the V sign during the early years of the war, switching round later when he’d been told by his advisors that he wasn’t exactly giving the lower social orders a positive message. The V sign is also considered rude in Italy, especially if you place your nose between the two fingers, making the gesture resemble a crude vagina.

I myself have almost seen a fight start as a result of an American tourist ordering drinks in an English pub: when asked how many pints he wanted, he simply stuck two fingers up and looked straight into the eyes of the barman – perfectly normal on the other side of the Atlantic (it’s actually the signal for the number 2 in American Sign Language), but it’s fighting talk to the British.

8. The “Fig”
Nothing more than a fist with the thumb poking out from between the index and middle fingers, the mano fico (literally ‘fig hand’) is a gesture of Roman origin, used as a positive gesture to encourage good luck and fertility, and ward away the ‘evil eye’. The sexual nuance comes from from the hand’s resemblance to the female private parts (fica is actually Italian slang for “vulva”), with the nub of the thumb representing the clitoris.

There seems to be a lack of positive meaning to this sign these days, however. If you’re doing the ‘fig’, it probably means you’re denoting a letter T in American Sign Language. But if somebody else is giving you the same gesture (especially if they are of the Asian persuasion), they’re probably giving you a rather disparaging insult, roughly equivalent to “fuck you!”. This hand sign is also highly disparaging to Italians and Turks, and in India would be taken as a threatening gesture. Most non-deaf Americans or Brits, however, would simply see the mano fico as a bizarre-looking fist.

9. The “Corna”
Consisting of a clenched fist with the second and fifth fingers straightened out, the corna (‘horns’) hand gesture has most recently been adopted by fans of rock and heavy metal music, first used by Black Sabbath vocalist Ronnie James Dio. The gesture carries only a vague meaning, implying the presence of Satan, malevolence and loud guitar music, and is used in much the same way as headbanging. The gesture was actually popularised as a Satanic salute during the 1960s, appearing in many editions of the Satanic Bible. Nowadays many Americans use the gesture simply to mean “rock on”, or in support of the University of Texas in Austin (known as the “Hook ‘em Horns”).

Occasionally used by baseball players to indicate “two outs”, the corna is actually a positive hand gesture in Buddhism and Hinduism, known as the Karana Mudra in such circles, and is used to dispel evil – an interestingly opposite meaning to its contemporary significance.

Historically, however, the symbol basically means “cuckold” (or rather, “your wife is cheating on you”), and its origins are Mediterranean, possibly dating back to Ancient Greece. The corna is still popular in Spain, Portugal, Greece, Colombia, Brazil, Albania, Slovakia and the Czech Republic, and seems to be used most often to disagree with football referees – perhaps their wives are taking advantage of their husband’s occupation to score with hunky football players – though only when the referee make an incorrect decision, of course…

10. “The Finger”

Most likely derived from Ancient Greece, ‘the finger’ is one of the most widespread obscene gestures throughout the Western world. In a handful of Mediterranean and Arab countries the index finger is preferred to the middle, but the meaning remains crystal clear. There are a myriad of different stories for the origin of the finger (going back as far as 2500 years), making mention of Greek tragedies, phallic representation, perverse Roman emperors, English longbowmen, and annoyed deaf people – but we just don’t know.

Also known as the ‘flip-off’, the ‘bird’, the ‘highway salute’, ‘digitus impudicus’ and the ‘One-Fingered Victory Salute’ (thanks to President Bush’s famous TV blooper), the middle finger is probably the most universally-understood hand gesture in the world. This is owed mostly to its age, the sheer simplicity of the gesture, as well as the human preoccupation with somehow relating everything back to sexual organs.

Of course there are regional differences, from half-extending the second and fourth fingers (no doubt to represent the ‘balls’ either side of the middle finger ‘dick’) or combining the finger with another rude gesture, to being as creative as holding up your middle three fingers and telling your target to “read between the lines”.

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In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with “What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?”

Thanksgiving Practical Joke

Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who’s blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.

While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.

When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.

Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, “Patti, you’ve cooked a pregnant turkey!”

My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

The Perfect Christmas Tree

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, “I can’t take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let’s just pick one whether it’s decorated or not!”

Meeting St. Peter

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, “Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in.”

The second blonde said, “Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus’ being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other.”

“Nooooo,” said St. Peter. “You don’t get in, either.”

The third blonde said, “Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it.”

“Very good!” said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. “Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball.”

St. Peter fainted!

Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

The Bet

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”

New Puppy

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, “I think we’re in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?”

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, “I’ve got an idea. We’ll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours.”

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled the ribbons off while they were playing.”

“OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, “Oh no, I can’t tell whose puppy is whose. They’ve pulled their collars off while they were playing.”

“There’s got to be some way to tell them apart,” says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, “I know! Why don’t you take the black one and I’ll take the white one!”

What Kind of Tracks Are They?

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, “Those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No, those are elk tracks.”
The third blonde said, “You’re both wrong, those are moose tracks.”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, “Yes.”

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”

To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

Blonde Entertainment

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

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Brunette Joke

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

Painting the Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Meteor Crater

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

Blonde Quote

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton

Three Blondes Fishing

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Ice Fishing

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

Hilarious Blonde Joke

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said… “HEL-LOOOOOOOO …You gotta roll up the windows!!!

Blonde Arithmetic

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”

The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then they asked, “What is 15 – 5?”

The blonde responded, “20, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”

“3?” said the blonde.

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Hiding From the Cops

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, “Meow.” The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, “Woof.” The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, “Potato.”

The Ultimate Sacrifice

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn’t let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

“More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.

What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

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2) An easy one: Take the distributor cap off and either remove the rotor or pull it off and replace it in another position. Results in the car either not running or running like shit…

3) Get under the hood and re-arrange the spark plug wires. Provides many hours of amusment.

4) Loosen the slack bolt on the bracket that tightens the belt for the alternator. Move the bracket inwards an inch or two, then re-tighten the bolt. This will result in a late dead battery.

5) Place small rocks in the wheel covers of all four tires. Remember to use VERY tiny ones and large ones will be noticed if they remove the covers.

6) A more dangerous trick: Loosen all the lug nuts or just take them off and replace the wheel covers. Results are pretty obvious.

7) Another good one: Place very long nails, two per side, at a 45 degree angle with the points in toward the tire.

8 ) Dangerous: Remove the retainer nut and bolt on the steering wheel. It is usually covered by the horn, so it wont be very obvious until they try to turn the car…

9) Very Cruel: Get under the car and back the oil pan plug out until it is just hanging by the last thread or two. The vibrations will back it out the rest of the way.

10) Also try the last trick with the transmission. Or better is the rear axle. There is a drain plug for the gear oil on the bottom.

11) For the gas tank: Sugar, sand or water all work VERY well for an effective trick.

12) Dead animals in the engine compartment, on or near the engine smell just wonderful when the engine warms up. Also, a fresh road kill in the spare tire space works VERY good.

13) On the same note, a live skunk in the car with the windows up almost all the way(so it wont die) will provide hours of fun. Good luck in catching that skunk.

14) Drill a series of very small holes in the exhaust line after the muffler. Or better is drilling a hole or two in the muffler itself.

15) Dangerous: Take a razor blade to the brake lines.

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