Anything different in my life since the last post?

Not really. I’ve been cast for a culture show which will perform the day after the big production that I’m a director of. Whee, I’ll have lots of fun that week.

The boyfriend and I are still going strong. I hope that I am better in many ways and that I can provide so much more than any of his previous girlfriends, including the one he shared four years together with. I know that for him, he doesn’t have to worry about things like that because when I look for someone, I go for someone who’s better than the rest, otherwise, what’s the point? If you’re going to date someone who wasn’t as good as the one before, then why bother trying? You’ll always think about how good it was with the last one and then you’ll ruin the current one.

Anyway, I know that this blog has been dead of late. Why do I post this then? I guess I want to try and give it some… normalcy, I suppose. Or some life. I can be found elsewhere, such as Twitter, Facebook, and other outlets. If you’d like to know how to reach me, just let me know. Though if you’re reading this from your RSS feed/subscribed list, then kudos for you for sticking on this long.

Back to cleaning out the domain I go. This expires in March, but for sentimental reasons, I’ll probably keep it around for a little longer. I will probably change registrars though.

• EC Top Droppers for July
• Smorty
• Anger
• The Factors Of Life
• Life in Summer

Of course, it will have more of a purpose as soon as I pay my hosting bill… which is as soon as I get paid…

Life is… well, life. I’ve had my ups and downs throughout this year and I’ve just started something new with someone I think is very special, kind, exciting, and definitely has potential to motivate me to better myself more than I try to already. I will admit that I am very scared because in terms of my feelings, there are similarities to how I felt when I first started with Stockton Boy. Yes, the situations are different, but I honestly haven’t felt this way about anyone since him, so yes, I’m quite scared.

However, the difference is this time, I’m definitely trying to communicate more about my issues and if I have fears about anything. I don’t want to end up surprising this new boy with anything and I want him to know how I feel as often as possible. I just really hope I don’t get hurt again.

I’ve already started my last undergraduate year in school. I’m trying to finish up my B.A. in Social Welfare. What I’ll do after college, I’m not sure yet. I know that I definitely want to go into the non-profit sector within the Asian Pacific American community, but in which field (mental health, education, youth, families, etc), I don’t know yet. I feel as if all issues are equally important, but I definitely have to decide where I want to be.

In addition to school, I’ve taken up quite a few roles.

- I’m a mentor for a 6th grader at one of the local elementary schools. She makes me feel old yet nostalgic all at once and I’m happy to see her so vibrant as she is.

- I’m also a co-director for Perspectives, a huge multicultural showcase that the student government puts on every year.

- I’ve also been accepted as one of the 20 pageant contestants for the Miss Vietnam Norcal – Intercollegiate.

- I’m training to be a student-to-student peer counselor where I’d essentially be able to help my fellow peers, students, with their issues ranging from school to relationships to work or whatever their needs are.

And surprisingly enough, I still feel as if I can do more, but when I look at my calendar, I know that I can’t afford to do so. But I’m excited to make this the best year that I have and can’t wait to see how everything turns out.

Miss all of you and I wish I were keeping up better in all of your lives. ♥

• I Am American… I Think.
• Reflections
• Government Jobs
• Pageant
• Textbooks

The choices that you make, as little as they are, can change your day, your week, your month, or hell, even a year. Those who’ve watched The Butterfly Effect understand what I mean. Ashton Kutcher’s character makes one change to his past which dramatically alters his present. It’s the same idea that I like to follow, I think.

The thing is that it’s always in hindsight. For example, I chose not to go to the fair this weekend (or next) and instead, I decided to go around different stores looking at laptop models. In doing so, I met someone I hadn’t expected to meet and that completely made my day. Had I gone to the fair, where I probably would have subjected myself to internal awkwardness and a small feeling of indifference, I instead had fun elsewhere.

When I look back on life, there are always the “What Ifs” that pop up. What if I didn’t do this, What if I had? The thing is that for me, I feel as if no matter what choice I make, there’s always something for me to learn. Yes, I have the choice to make everyday decisions, what color to wear, etc, but some things are meant to happen. Maybe I was supposed to meet this person, maybe I wasn’t.

At the end of the day, I can be proud (or not in some cases) of my choices and realize that the lessons I learned will only help me grow as a person.

• A Feeling Of Uncertainty
• Excusing Anger
• Loss of Identity
• Desires, Impulses, and Impairment
• Please Erase My 1.5 Years

——————————————————-

I think it’s going to be a recurring theme for me: going to church pissed off at my mother, only to be soothed by the word of God and the sounds of His love.

Today’s mass was beautiful. It was the mass for the confirmation as well as the Feast of the Trinity. It was surprisingly crowded today, much more than usual. The choir was much bigger and this time, included a cello (I think? I couldn’t see because I was in the back), a violin, and a flute. The selected music pieces were definitely good choices and the violin beautifully added to that.

Going to the mass today, I took away a few things. First, I’ve discovered that when I sing or am surrounded by good music and words, I feel enlightened, if not, definitely happier. I feel a closer connection to God and I remember all the good He’s done for me, for my family, for my friends. Singing the songs reminds me of how much I have, how blessed I am to be alive, to be loved, and to have the ability to love.

Second, as the Bishop was talking, he said that if the confirmee’s were to forget their confirmation teachings, he would hope that they, as well as the rest of us, would remember one thing: God loves us. We are loved by God. Our religion is highly based on love… love for God, love for yourself, love for your neighbor as if they were yourself.

People wonder sometimes why or how it is I can choose to follow this religion despite all of the different vices I do outside of the church. For me, I follow this because the main message of love is a message I believe in. All the little rules and taboo are things I choose not to concern myself with because to me, they’re not as important as the main rules of love. Even when I’m stumbling back into my apartment, completely inebriated, I know that I truly am blessed and have so much to be thankful for. The chances I’ve been given, the opportunities, the experiences, all of those things happened so I could learn and more importantly, so I could learn to love.

• Rules Of Love
• It Slapped Me Again
• Too Much To Do
• Please Erase My 1.5 Years
• Blessed Am I

As I mentioned last time, I felt quite inadequate. After posting this on Facebook and other networks, the feedback I got from my friends helped me a lot to understand that I shouldn’t feel so bad because people flourish in different ways. If anything, reading that personal statement helped me create a goal of getting out more and helping more people.

About a week later, I realized that although he and I looked a lot different on paper, we each had our own strengths. I realized that mine was being able and wanting to help people. I had realized this when I ended up helping him get home after having drunk a little too much. Despite my own inebriation, I was more focused on trying to get him to a safe place than taking care of myself (though I knew I wasn’t drunk enough to need care).

Anyway, that incident and a few more throughout the week really helped me understand how large of a heart I have. Sure, that means somewhere down the line, someone’s going to take advantage of me, but I can only hope that I won’t be naive enough to let that continue.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and she told me that I have a fire. Although I’m nice, I have this fire, this edge. For a while now, I had been thinking of going for the Internal VP position in VSA in hopes of installing some new change. After talking to her, I feel more confident in my decision and more confident in my abilities to step up and take charge. Who knows? I might end up taking presidency during my last semester of school.

Nothing particularly insightful or eye-opening here, but thought I’d share this with you and I hope that some of you will take the time to do some introspection and realize that perhaps you do have some strengths of your own.

• “If I Were A Boy” – Beyonce
• Inability to Love
• ARG.
• Smiling, Bags, & Inspiration
• Anger

First, I realized that people are very multifaceted. Some may be lacking in some areas of life, but can be completely amazing in others. A great person doesn’t mean a person who excels in all aspects of life (romance, friendship, academics, etc), but rather, finds something meaningful enough to pursue and pursues it.

Second, I took a look at myself and felt quite inadequate. Here was someone just a few months older than me and already, he had done so many things and had grown so much. When I look at this friend, I see him as this source of so much potential. Whether he changes the world or changes the life of one person, he will end up doing something great.

Me?

The things that I’ve learned within the past few years are not as profound.

Don’t put out before the third date.
Macy’s has some pretty good purses on sale on Black Friday
If a guy looks creepy, don’t give him your number and don’t let him pressure you into doing so.
Be careful with your heart because there are bastards out there who won’t give a shit.
Never allow yourself to be abused again and next time, take that stand to leave his skank ass.

All of these “lessons,” in a way, seem so superficial to me.

Even if I learned things about myself, I rarely did anything to change my actions. In a sense, I just became aware of my flaws and faults.

Sometimes, I feel as if I don’t take enough initiative to get things done. I sit and expect things to fall into my lap (opportunities, jobs, etc). Maybe it’s a part of not knowing where to begin in order to get where I need to go and maybe it’s a part of laziness.

I want to make a difference.

I have fantasies on what I could do, but I have no plan. Hell, I don’t really have a specific target.

Am I afraid? Am I lazy? Am I so confused that I can’t begin? Am I just… not that great?

People say that I’m a great person (and on some days, I feel like I am), but I haven’t learned, I haven’t done, I haven’t grown. I’m twenty-freaking-one and all I do is go to school, sleep, and drink.

I want to do different, but after having written this note, will I actually go and do it?

• Yours And Life’s Meanings
• Thin Line Between Love… and Love
• The Factors Of Life
• Desires, Impulses, and Impairment
• Gift Giving

Anyway, for this one, I would like to say that I’m not interested, but the other night, I got to thinking about the real reason why I wasn’t interested – or chose not to act.

I had been telling my friends that I didn’t want to start anything because he was always around me too much; we’re both in the same organization that takes up a lot of our time and not only that, but we’re also in the same language class that meets five times a week. I believed that I wanted to find somebody who had a life outside of mine, someone who wasn’t always in my world, someone that I would want to make a part of my world but still be separate from it.

Then I realized that I also didn’t want to hurt him. I’m the the current stage where yes, a nice boy would be lovely, but I also need someone to take care of my more animal needs (if you catch my drift). Knowing that I wanted that primal satisfaction, I was afraid that if I did start something with him, as nice and as lovely as it would be, I could hurt him and because I care enough for him, I don’t want to put him through that pain and heartache.

I keep telling myself that I’m making the right choice by sparing him the hurt and pain, but in a selfish way, am I also sparing myself from the idea that I would feel guilty? Or am I also afraid? My friend said that he would be a good fit for me because he would be sweet, he’d be kind, he’d say the things I want him to say and he would do the things I’d want him to do, but not in a doormat kind of way.

I think for the moment, I’m going to refrain from acting, not until I know for sure that I’m not crazy in thinking that he’s feeling something too.

• Is It All In Your Head?
• The Factors Of Life
• Loss of Identity
• PS3
• Secrets Better Left Unsaid?

That got me really thinking. I never saw myself as part of a “losing” side, mostly because I hold the firm belief that Vietnam would one day see the light and stop this whole socialist shit. But what if, that doesn’t happen? And a few generations from now, very few will remember and understand the importance and meaning of the South Vietnamese flag.

For now at least, most schools and organizations in California know not to use the standard Vietnam flag, but what about another 50 years from now? In a somewhat similar analogy, does anybody still hang the Confederacy flag anymore after all these years?

It makes me sad to think that one day, my children’s children’s children will not understand the fight, the loss, and the pain my family has gone through in order to come to this land of opportunity. My children will call themselves American. Not Vietnamese-American, but American. And with each passing generation, language and culture will be lost.

Knowing all that, I sometimes wonder if my parents did the right thing by coming here to America.

• Growing Old
• GonnaBe
• What The Hell Is Love?
• I Am American… I Think.
• Extraction Analogy

Did you crush on anyone this year? Did you have your heart broken? Did you break any hearts? Did you fall in love? In terms of romance, I made progress with myself and my habits. I started off pretty rocky until June when I realized that no matter what I was going to do, I couldn’t make things return to the way they were. Although still hurt and broken, I had to let him go. Even after June, I had issues, but things are much better now. I started to date again. I went on my first get-to-know-you date. Strange, isn’t it? Normally, by the time I went out with someone on a date, we had already established strong mutual feelings for one another. This time, I had to do everything new and it was a good experience. I slid down a concrete slide and overdressed for a ball game. At the end of it all, I realized that I deserve so much more and that I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t want the same things I do. I should be out there looking for my prince.

Did you do something that you’ve always wanted to do, but were too scared to try? Did you do something that you now regret? Did you do something that you DID regret, but now see it as having been a good choice? I did a few new things this year: I got my navel pierced (I had always been scared), I got lap dances by women, flew domestically, worked in retail, exercised (through a PE class) four days a week for 12 weeks, kissed two chicks, and a bunch of other less important things. The one thing that I regret doing is not realizing what I should have been doing all along: Stop talking to his ass. My continuation of trying to be his friend made my healing process much worse. This last one is a little silly, but I went clubbing with the wrong shoes to go clubbing with; my feet were killing me – bad choice in shoes. So I took a break and sat down which is where I met EC which then led to our short time together. As short as it was, it taught me a lot about myself and about dating.

How old did you turn this year? How old do you FEEL? Forever 21 baby! Though I swear to you, I didn’t think it could’ve come soon enough.

Did you get taller this year? Did you lose or gain weight as compared to December ‘07? No, I stopped growing taller a long time ago unfortunately. Onto the second question, I lost a considerable amount of weight, gained it back, and lost it all. I still need to lose a few more, but this is probably the lightest I’ve been in a while and it’s great.

What is the ONE thing you would change about ‘08? (internally or externally) Do you think you accomplished more in 2008 or in 2007? Overall, are you happy with how you did for yourself? I can’t change anything because without the experiences I had, I wouldn’t have grown to be the person I am today. If anything, I would have moved my birthday up a few months so I wouldn’t have had to borrow my roommate’s ID. Surviving every year is an accomplishment for me. With me, there’s always something going on and I strive to take a lesson out of every bad thing that happens to me. I’m not done growing and in a way, I don’t think I ever will be. I may be content with who I am, but I’m always going to see things I want to change about myself and that’s just how it’s going to be.

• Fate vs. Free Will
• Tired from Gym
• Where am I going?
• Diet Pills
• Survey Questions

That got me thinking about our choices, our desires, our impulses. See, I think that the substances (alcohol, weed, etc) allow us to put down our barriers. In a sense, we’ve all got certain desires, but when sober, we don’t act on them for different reasons. I know that if I were to drink, my judgment would be impaired and I would be more likely to act on impulse than to think it through. However, this doesn’t mean that everything can happen. If you’ve thought about a particular act and have absolutely no intention or desire to do it, even when impaired, you still won’t act on it.

By letting go some of our inhibitions, people can really see what it is that we want or feel. Sure, there are still many cases in which this thought of mine can be disproved, but for the most part, in harmless cases, I find this to be true.

Whether sober or impaired, have you ever done anything that you thought you’d never do? How did you feel afterward?

For me, I’ve had sex with people that I probably shouldn’t have for different reasons. I’ve also said goofy things and apparently, am a little violent. The second statement though, would probably happen without alcohol.

The two times in which I’ve had sex… well, one made me feel awful because I knew that if word ever got out, someone would get hurt. The second was a bad decision because I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

As for being sober, the whole Stockton Boy debacle was something that I thought I wasn’t capable of and how it makes me feel now is disappointed and ashamed at myself for doing such things. However, I don’t want to say that I regret making those decisions; I take every situation as a life experience and from that whole mess, I learned a lot about myself.

• The Truth DNE
• Bad People?
• Excusing Anger
• Bittersweet Memories
• Why?