So with that, it got me to thinking again. In a way, it’s a little like what I had mentioned before, the idea of keeping something from someone that could change the relationship. In a way, it’s similar and in a way, it’s not.

From the beginning, Stockton Boy told me that he was still hurt from his last relationship and that he would not be able to give me what I needed in terms of “normal” affection. Stupidly, I told him that I could wait, that I would wait it out and hope that he would someday say the things I so desperately wanted to hear.

And that, was my first mistake. I should have known from the beginning that it was going to be painful for me because I would crave the affection that he couldn’t give, because I would want him to tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to live his life with me. Of course, he didn’t and that’s what essentially broke us apart.

Yes, it was partially my fault because I should have known better, but in a way, I blame him for it too. He knew that he could not give me what I wanted, yet decided to pursue the relationship with me anyway. He should have tried harder to stop. He should have known never to fall for me in the first place. He should have known what he wanted before dragging me along with him. (Remember, I blame him partially.)

Was it really that hard to refrain? Even now, I have the decency to tell someone after a few dates that I’m not ready for a relationship, that I’m not looking for one. I tell him that in the beginning before he gets too wrapped up around me and so he knows where I stand. Was it so difficult for Stockton Boy to do the same?

What would you do? If you knew that your heart was too broken to fully commit into a relationship, what would you do? Would you tell the person and continue to build a relationship, or would you stop the relationship unless the other person was okay with it? Would you try to see if the person could be right for you and hope that this wonderfully amazing person could heal what was broken? Or would you limit yourself and tell the person that you cannot continue unless you two are at an understanding?

There are times when I feel like hating him so much because I feel as if I am a great person (for the most part anyway- and no, this doesn’t stem from conceit). Sure, I have my moments of not dealing with some things right, but overall, if you need a girlfriend, I am a great one. I helped heal what was broken, I spent all my energy and time hoping that I could be the one he could love, but he didn’t. I fixed him so he could go love someone else and that frustrates me; it angers me to feel so used. Yes, that wasn’t his intention, I know, but it’s that feeling of being used that bugs me and sometimes, I just wish that he would have stopped. He shouldn’t have allowed for us to build the relationship we had if he was incapable of loving me, of giving his all to me.

But maybe, he wanted to love me too, but couldn’t. Thinking about it a little more, who’s to say that I won’t do the same? What if I meet some wonderful guy and even though I’m not ready and even though I tell him that, what if he still wants me anyway? And because he’s such a wonderful guy, what if I hope that one day, I could love him, that he could fix me? But I’d be doing exactly what Stockton Boy did, no?

• Thin Line Between Love… and Love
• Loss of Identity
• This Is A Hard Time
• Chick Flicks
• Please Erase My 1.5 Years

This time, I was tagged twice. Once from Reggy and her list, and the second from Michael and his seven facts.

Well, here goes!

1. I love shoes and buying shoes. However, I have flat and wide feet, so it’s hard to find ones that I like.
2. Some of you may know that I’ve been obsessed with red, but you may not know that this was a relatively recent development. This whole red phase began about a year ago.
3. The only plant I’ve been able to keep alive is the bamboo plant.
4. My family is the most important thing in my life.
5. I prefer to have more guy friends than girls, but really, I just want girl friends that I know won’t cause me any trouble or drama. I envy those who have their “best friend” with them almost all the time.
6. Once I get married, the word “divorce” will no longer exist in my vocabulary. I’ll be married for life until death do us part.
7. My children will carry the middle names my father’s side of the family carries.

And those are my seven. The game of the meme is simple: 7 facts about you, then tag 7 people. This time, I’m going to tag: Chris, Julie, Joana, Marie, Gary, Michael A., and Mike. Some of you may have done previously, but if it wasn’t within the last few weeks, then I think y’all should do it again.

Have fun!

• Meme Updates
• Survey Questions
• Remembering
• Being grounded SUCKS
• Life’s Simplest

I was thinking about this when a friend, MJ, mentioned that this girl, SS, wasn’t a “bad” girl. I found it a little odd to say, but I understood what she meant. See, to me, SS can be labeled as “bad” when comparing her to the social norms, but thinking about it, I don’t really hate her. Instead, MJ and I decided that SS had too many habits that clashed with our ability to be friends.

Back to the question though, are people really “bad” people? Especially if we compare them to our personal beliefs and values? If we put our personal morals aside, what would define a “bad” person? In a way, it’s all relative depending on the culture and social norms. Are there any universal norms which we can use as a base for this definition?

On a more personal level, when do you feel as if you’re a “bad” person? Does it depend on someone’s reaction and interaction with you? Or does it depend on something else? When did you feel your worst?

For me, I don’t really think that there’s a true measure in determining what makes a person “good” or “bad.” I see a person as being a “bad” person if one knows that what one is doing is socially wrong, but continues to do it anyway. A person is a “bad” person if one is hurting someone else and knows it, but does it anyway.

But really, it’s just a “bad” action, isn’t it? For me, I would like to consider myself as a relatively decent person. There are times though when I want to be evil, when I want to hurt others knowingly, but that doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person, no?

I feel that I’m a “bad” person when I know I’ve hurt someone, whether I know it beforehand or not. I feel that I’m a bad person when I know that I could have helped a friend, but didn’t due to really selfish reasons. For me, it does involve some sort of interaction with someone else. Hell, if I lived by myself and didn’t have to connect with anyone, how would I ever feel bad?

I don’t have a particular instance in which I felt really bad. It was more of a time period. It was last November. I was really upset with Stockton Boy, so in my bad judgment, I went over and yelled at him. I made a remark that I knew would have hurt him a lot; which it did. A day later, I felt so guilt-ridden, I tried to hurt myself. During that whole time, I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself, Stockton Boy, caring friends, and my family. It was a difficult time and I don’t know if I can ever truly forgive myself for that whole ordeal.

What about you?

• This Is A Hard Time
• The Truth DNE
• Inability to Love
• Bittersweet Memories
• Entrapment?

Yes, so Entrecard/Fantasy Baseball is hosting one of the biggest contests ever and it’s quite easy to enter. All you have to do is either write a post about the contest or if you want an extra entry, you can write a post and also link to all the sponsors for the contest! I’m still a little unclear on how they’ll choose the winners and how many there’ll be, but at least this is fun, right?

Good luck to all!

Don’t forget to visit our wonderful sponsors:

Fantasy Baseball - 10,000ec — You can trade in 10,000ec for, like, Graham’s car or something.
Q3-n - 5000ec — Q3-n is selling their 1950s dinette furniture to finance this contest. They say, “You’re welcome.”
Øblog - 4000ec — Wow! 4000ec is going for like $30 on the Entrecard market. Thanks, Weird Oh.
Evil Woobie - 3000ec — Hey, maybe she’s not so evil after all! Or is she? You make the call!
Turnip of Power - 1001ec — He was going to go with 1000 then he found an extra credit in his couch. Thanks, Turnip!
Celebrity Pictures - 1000ec — Credits were acquired through legal means. Supposedly.
Evil Entrecard Kid! - 1000ec — Entrecard trivia: Evil Woobie and Evil Entrecard Kid are not related. Yet.
Modern Glam - 1000ec — With the 1000ec, perhaps you’ll buy an imaginary 1000ec pashmina and hang it around your virtual neck.
Dot Com Mogul - 1000ec — With this 1000ec, you might be able to buy back Q3-n’s dinette furniture.
Blabberwocky - 1000ec — It’s a play on Jabberwocky.
Looking For Scoop - 1000ec — Nothing says “I can buy one popular ad” like 1000ec.
Eyespi20.com - 1000ec — And she’ll teach you how she does that weird signature thing. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, look at her site.
Travelin’ Show - 1000ec — Message from the year 2012: Macy’s is now taking credits and a 1000 gets you one earring.
The Hypnotist - 1000ec — She will put you under a spell. Recognize!
Diet Pulpit - 1000ec — You can buy a lot of imaginary rice cakes with 1000ec. Side note, imaginary rice cakes taste better than real ones.
The Realtor - 500ec — You want insight. Listen to her write. It’s like magic beans growing in the backyard of your brain.
Romelo - 500ec — Romelo, Romelo, wherefore art thou 500ec?
WebATBP.com - 500ec — With gas prices soaring, it won’t be too long before 500ec goes for 501ec.
Inspire Emotion - 500ec — Almost pay for your favorite 512ec ad!
Sue Doe-Nim - 500ec — She’ll probably give you the credits then mock you for wanting them. That’s right — bonus!
Thailand Land of Smiles - 500ec — Actually, that’s 500 smiles.
FitnessLifeClub - 500ec — You’ll have to promise not to blow these credits on any fattening foods.
Lisa Cooking - 500ec — Surprise the whole family with 500 Entrecard credits.
JunkieYard Dot Com - 500ec — If you put these credits in a 401K, in 45 years you’ll have enough credits for a free e-card.
Movie Reviews - 500ec — You can’t buy a movie ticket with Entrecard credits. Yet. (Graham twirls his mustache. Contemplating world domination.)

PRIZES THAT ARE NOT CREDITS (BUT STILL WONDERFUL):
Aerten Art - She’s donating a painting. Seriously. Go look at her site and tell me you wouldn’t want a painting. Now. We’ll wait.
ImpNERD - 125×125 ad for a month — Let’s see, ImpNERD usually sells advertising for 256ec/day. You get this for a month. Um, yeah, you want this.
PoemsofQuotes - A cheesy poem about the winner’s topic — Win this and then ask them to rhyme something with, “Orange.”
Eyespi20.com - A custom made 125×125 card. Some of you need this. You know who you are.
Diet Pulpit - One week ad spot right below the banner and a personal greeting from Lady Rose saying, “Congratulations!”
JunkieYard Dot Com - Three blogroll links. Okay, the thing is, you can’t just get these. They’re prizes only won here.
The Hypnotist - A Hypnotic Audio - I don’t think this will simply be trance music. I could be wrong.

Oh, I forgot to mention which one of these lovely prizes I’d like to go home with and that, ladies and gentlemen, would have to be…

…Stan’s 10,000 EC. I mean, really, who wouldn’t want that? If not, then I’ll settle for some hypnotic music too.

• Winning All Over The Place
• Entrecard Will Outlive Us All
• CK Marketing
• Auto Parts
• Diet Pills

Why is it that some use anger as an excuse for irrational or rude behavior? “He didn’t mean to say that; he was angry.” Does it really all stem from the anger? Or is it more of a choice that people make when they choose not to censor themselves?

There’s this idea that when someone is angry, that person will act rashly and harshly. Because of that, many tend to stay away from the angry person. It’s usually from the fear of either witnessing or being a victim of the anger.

Anger is one of the seven deadly sins and I truly believe that. Anger leads people to be irrational, to do things that if they were calm, they wouldn’t do nor say. But really, can you use anger as an excuse? It would be the same as blaming the alcohol for the abusive behavior or the drugs for the reckless behavior.

As a child, and even now unfortunately, my mother would say really mean things to me. (Please, no bashing on my mother) She would call me names or at one point, say that she wish I were dead. (She stopped after I expressed how it made me feel.) As I was nearing the end of high school, she would say that she couldn’t wait until I was out of the house. And just this past weekend, she told me that I shouldn’t come back home in two weeks.

All these things were said out of anger and frustration, but to me, they don’t give her any right to say the things she said. Hell, anger doesn’t give anyone any right to act rudely or harshly. Yes, I have been prone to be a bit nasty when angry, but I know that it is my choice to act that way. I could easily find another outlet to release the anger, but I don’t and that is my fault, not the anger’s fault.

To me, every action is always a choice. Even a lack of action is a choice because you allow for that to happen. There really is no such thing as “I couldn’t help myself!” or “I couldn’t control myself!” Even when impaired through alcohol or drugs, the person makes the choice to put him/herself in that position. If a person knows that s/he becomes violent while drinking, then why continue to drink? Or why drink in front of other people that s/he can abuse?

Even for anger, every reaction is a decision. When you snap at someone, it’s still a choice you’re making. As I mentioned before, I’m prone to be really bad tempered. I have said nasty things; I’ve reacted harshly; I’ve punched (inanimate objects); I’ve yelled; I’ve screamed and cried. Just a few days ago, I snapped at a woman. In some aspects, she deserved it, but still, I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m not sorry about snapping at her, mind you, but I am regretful of my behavior.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you been prone to act rashly when angered or have you been a victim of anger? How have you dealt with that?

(Edit: I just noticed that Reggy from fragileheart.com recently wrote something similar and hit a few points too.)

Image Source: Mareen Fischinger at Flickr.

• Anger
• (In)fidelity
• Revelations
• Even More Aid!
• Some New Things

There are no words for this song. Either way, it’s too beautiful to describe into words anyway.

Enjoy folks.

• “Goodbye” - Secondhand Serenade
• Music And My Relation To It
• “Rehab” - Rihanna
• “No Looking Back” - The D.E.Y.
• Beautiful Homes

It’s a shame that it had to be this way
It’s not enough to say I’m sorry
It’s not enough to say I’m sorry

Maybe I’m to blame
Or maybe we’re the same
But either way I can’t breathe
Either way, I can’t breathe

All I had to say is goodbye
We’re better off this way
We’re better off this way

I’m alive but I’m losing all my drive
‘Cause everything we’ve been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

All I had to say is goodbye
We’re better off this way
We’re better off this way

And all I had to say is goodbye
We’re better off this way
We’re better off this way

And every, everything isn’t only
What it seemed so hold these
Words that you never told me
It’s time to say goodbye
It’s time to say goodbye
It’s time to say goodbye
Goodbye

Bye

Take my pain away
Tear it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

• Morality
• Could I Hate Thee More?
• Cigarettes and Stockton Boy
• Bed Bugs
• Bad People?

The image was taken by Kari L. The original picture is no longer available online, but he did take another snapshot that is similar to the one I used here. The new image is called “Passion.” He takes a lot of really great photos. It took me a while to find a nice red-colored picture that I liked. I know, I know. I’ve been obsessed with red, but it’s such a really good color!

I suppose that in addition to Boscardin getting a new look (and also turning two years old as of two months ago), I ended up getting a new haircut as well. Okay, it’s a few weeks old, but to me, it’s still new and it’s the shortest I’ve ever had it since I was a kid. It’s a bit hard to see, but it’s an asymmetrical bob. I really like it and think it’s a good cut. It was a bit expensive, but sometimes, when you want a good cut, you have to pay for it, right?

There are a few more things that I want to fix up for the site, but that can take its time. Soon, I will writing small movie reviews and I’m proud of myself for being able to set up that category. For now, I have to make the posts for the old movies that I watched years ago, but I plan on writing reviews for all the new movies that I’ll be watching too.

Anyway, if you have any comments, suggestions, or anything, let me know! Otherwise, feel free to answer this question: Besides domestic animals (cats, dogs, hamsters, etc), what’s your favorite animal? (Yes, this can include fantasy animals)

• Awesome Camera Detail
• MySpace Can Kiss My Ass
• Blogging on the phone, sucks
• Site Redesign Coming Soon?
• Never Had Cute Before

Poor thing; the flowers are starting to die. Too bad I’m such a night owl or else I’d try to leave it out in the sun a little more.

I was so tired in my morning aerobic conditioning class that I finally finished the whole bottle of water!

On my way back from class, I decided to buy some really fun postcards. Now all I need is someone to send them too… *hint hint - if I don’t already have your address, then maybe you should give it to me* (for privacy, send me an email: maria@boscardin.org)

After a long hot shower, I decided to put on a face mask that helps get rid of the dirt in my pores. It’s so much fun to put on! I feel as if I’m being molded.

I had a few things to purchase, so I gave Sephora a call and used my sister’s gift cards (which, of course, I’ll have to pay her back for). I love that store so much; it’s my candy store!

My room was in much need of a cleaning, as you can see by my entire bag and box of recycling items.

Finally finished Paolo Coehlo’s Veronika Decides To Die book. It was really good as I had already read The Alchemist and Eleven Minutes by him. Next on my list is By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

What better snack to have than some Veronas? Well, any Pepperidge Farm snacks will do really. They’re all so yummy!

Now that they’ve finally released the official release date, I pledged to download Firefox 3 on June 17, 2008.

I love getting visitors at work! Fonz (middle one) stopped by to say hello and I missed him so much since I haven’t spent time with him since February. I saw E (right one) over the weekend too. God, I love these guys.

That’s when I finally got off of work! They kept me quite busy with all the stickers and whatnot. The plus side is that the cute Argentinian boy came in.

Last, but not least, my keys. Actually, you can’t even see the keys; you just see the keychain. Yes, all that red is part of one chain.

Anyway, this was fun, though I admit the keys were really a filler since I couldn’t think of one last photo to take. Maybe next month, you can participate too!

• Being Impulsive
• Decorating
• Boredom reigns supreme
• The Wonderful World of Paid Blogging
• “No Looking Back” - The D.E.Y.

They gonna see things about to change like the weather
The days coming it’s about to get better
Yeah, babies skees help these stars gettin’ big
And little by little we fixin’ up the crib
Pops coming home, he finished with his bid
And everybody’s like ‘when you gon’ have a kid’
I keep moving forward, I never gonna stop
And everybody know that the day gon’ pop

So when I get up in the morning
I know that it’s coming
Everything that I’ve dreamed of
Somebody that’s willing
Somebody to chill with
The ones that put their life on the line
Wanna tell you that before you go that
I’ll be waiting for you at home
You got a whole world to see
So please don’t forget about me

Remember all the things I told you
Nobody else can hold you
Nothing in this world I won’t do
Till the end of the earth for you
Your life, so please just live it
You gotta a lot of love left to give so
Keep moving on and all of that for me

I try to make it to the top ain’t never gonna stop
‘Cause I got some thing with me and her
Can’t explain what I mean just know what I feel man
And it’s for real
This music is all I really have
Wake up in the morning, without you I’m sad
My life has been a one way road
There’s no looking back

I know that you’re searching
Everybody’s hoping that you’ll finally make your way
Boy I really miss you, wish I can kiss you
Think bout you everyday
Sometimes life ain’t sweet
But if you think of me and what we used to be
Life will be ok

Remember all the things I told you
Nobody else can hold you
Nothing in this world I won’t do
Till the end of the earth for you
Your life, so please just live it
You gotta a lot of love left to give
So just keep moving on and don’t look back for me

I try to make it to the top ain’t never gonna stop
‘Cause I got some thing with me and her
Can’t explain what I mean just know what I feel man
And it’s for real
This music is all I really have
Wake up in the morning, without you I’m sad
My life has been a one way road
There’s no looking back

[Spanish]

You gonna make it to the top
You ain’t never gonna stop
‘Cause you got some thing with you and her
Can’t explain what I mean but I know that I see it
And it’s so real
Don’t lose it, it’s all you really have
Wake up in the morning, without you I’m sad
And you can go and get it how you want
There’s no looking back

I try to make it to the top ain’t never gonna stop
‘Cause I got some thing with me and her
Can’t explain what I mean just know what I feel man
And it’s for real
This music is all I really have
Wake up in the morning, without you I’m sad
My life has been a one way road
There’s no looking back

We fall but we try to get up again<
We fell but we still gonna try again
We get hurt and break down but we rise again
Don’t look back ’cause I know we’ll be alright

• Monday Memes
• “Rehab” - Rihanna
• Escape
• Thin Line Between Love… and Love
• Monday Madness