Boundless Updates

The Hazards of Reading on a Battlefield

Fri, 17 May 2013 09:22:03 -0600

Will the real relativists please stand up?

Why Have Babies?

Thu, 16 May 2013 16:19:39 -0600

You may think your reasons for having babies are biblical, but if you're like me, you've absorbed a lot more culture and a lot less Bible than you realize.

Boundaries in Working: Episode 276

Thu, 16 May 2013 00:00:00 -0600

I've become sexually involved with another woman. What should I do?

Wed, 15 May 2013 09:28:38 -0600

Thank you for writing. When it comes to same-sex romanticism — especially with the misassumptions and pressures connected to the homosexual topic today — I know this takes courage.

That's why I want to bolster your faith. You are sensitive to His plan for your life and seeking His answers — He is with you even when it's difficult. Christ's invitation is indeed to grace and restoration when misplaced sexual expression occurs. In the biblical story of the woman at the well who was in a cycle of sexual sin (John 4), the Lord met her greatest needs by giving His love and treating her with dignity.

And I believe that is where you find yourself — with Jesus, at your own "well." Thus, I invite you to deeply ponder the following as you grow to understand your situation:

Eventually, any pleasurable relationship or behavior that does not accurately point and connect us to Christ easily becomes a lesser-fulfilling counterfeit god.

Once it has become our God-substitute, we cannot readily abandon its half-satisfying yet guilt-inducing comfort in order to seek and grasp the real thing himself. For many, this is a starting point to explain why they're habitually attached to something they do not truly want. Call it "idolatry," "addiction" or merely "meeting legitimate needs in illegitimate ways." All are potentially accurate.

When your relationship with this woman began to meet desperately unfulfilled needs for acceptance, safety or solidarity in your life, my guess is the Enemy tempted you with hiscunning sleight of hand. He, along with human fallen nature, led you to want the emotional and physical comfort of the relationship as an ultimate thing, rather than keeping it as a moral friendship that might contribute to your connection with God.

In Emotional Dependency and How to Keep Your Friendships Healthy Lori Rentzel makes an important remark. I suggest you study her resource. She states:

Whether or not physical involvement exists, sin takes place when a friendship becomes a dependent relationship. Yet we all have a deep need, placed in us by God, for intimate fellowship.

Your desire for deep friendship is not the problem nor is it frowned upon by the Lord. He just does not want it to be your god. He knows our relational thirsts and placed those in us as an echo of being made in His image, but what we sometimes miss is how to avoid turning potentially good things into ultimate things. God must be the highest of all beings in our lives because no lover, friend, spouse, job, possession or habit can be the Ultimate Comforter.

Once "emotional dependency" forms, there can be mutual stagnation and excessive closeness that is resistant to outside influence. The relationship comes to possess and preoccupy the individuals. Ironically, its intensity often leads to smothering and an eventual implosion. Such "emotional fusing" is a common genesis for some forms of female-to-female sexual involvement.

Further, our human emotions, bodies and wills have difficulty changing directions once sexual connections occur. I observe the effects of misplaced sexuality as one example of Hebrews 12:1 — "sin which clings so closely." That passage says to be very intentional and active in responding. It says "lay aside" anything that hinders so that you can persevere, fixing your eyes on Jesus.

Practically speaking, that looks different for each person. While it's important to stop acting in ways that violate your beliefs and bond you sexually, getting back on track is not merely about stopping behavior. It's about addressing underlying history that leaves you vulnerable in this area of life.

That's why I urge you toward Christian counseling that can help with personalized insights and provide productive actions.

I'll leave you with these initial steps in your process of growth and experiencing God's healing grace:

Understand it's unlikely that regular contact in this now-intensified friendship can be maintained in a healthy way for you at this stage of your growth and development.
Thus, prepare with a counselor how to best detach and distance from this relationship. As you get wise and practical boundary-making input, it's respectful to yourself as well as your friend to communicate these calmly and clearly.
Prepare for feelings of grief and loss (by both parties) as you obediently "lay aside" (Hebrews 12:1) this dependent relationship.
Learn to recognize and be honest about your own manipulations that keep the relationship going (Jeremiah 17:9). Clearly and specifically define your desired plan and boundaries on paper and be accountable for learning to live by them.
In counseling, address the deeper issues that left you emotionally vulnerable to this form of dependency.
Stay in touch with a trustworthy friend and mentor. Allow yourself to be open as well as appropriately nurtured.
Ask God to do a deep work in your heart. Yet be sure you are not doing life in a way that keeps Him from His work.
Cultivate healthy friendships. Get input and coaching about any fears and blockades.

There is much more you will learn. You won't do it perfectly, yet He loves you anyway. With the help of others who share your values, walk toward Him and away from any substitutes for security that have taken you where you don't want to go.

What if my boyfriend isn't as eager as I am to attend church activities?

Mon, 13 May 2013 12:30:36 -0600

Thank you for writing to ask this difficult question; your future hinges on the answers. If you were not in his life would he go to church? Would he join a church? Is he convinced that the church is a necessary part of a faithful Christian life? Is he willing to pray and ask God to give him a love for the church? These are essential questions. How he responds should give you what you need to know to make a wise decision.

The measure of a man's faith is the fruit in his life. Scripture says we are known by our fruit (Matthew 7:15-20). The Bible tells us what that fruit looks like (Galatians 5:22-23). It's not enough to say someone is loving, especially if you define loving the way the world does. We have to look to Scripture to see what love is (1 Corinthians 13), and even more, to what love does. Jesus said, "If you love me you will keep my commandments" (John 14:15). First John 2:4-6 says, "Whoever says 'I know him' but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked."

How did Christ walk? He laid His life down for His sheep — His people, the church. He died for all the members of the body that make up His bride. Life in the body is a consistent theme in the New Testament because it is in the church that we are built up and grow to maturity (1 Corinthians 12:12-27, Ephesians 4). If someone is in Christ but doesn't desire life in the body, or feels hostile toward it, he should pray and ask God to fill him (or her) with love for His church.

The most important thing you should be striving for in your own life is to make Jesus first place, giving Him priority in all things — that's what it means for Christ to be preeminent (Colossians 1:15-18). When Christ is preeminent in someone's life, the things that matter to Jesus, matter to him. And the church mattered to Christ. He took on flesh, became a man and was crucified on a cross to rescue His bride, the church. A person who is half-hearted about the church is half-hearted about Christ. We can't claim to love Christ and be lackadaisical about His bride, the church. It's not possible. If we feel like we can take or leave the church, we must realize we risk losing Christ.

Christ died for the church. That's how much He loves her. And His sacrificial love is the standard for all Christian husbands (Ephesians 5:25-33). It follows that a man claiming to be a Christian who is half-hearted (or less) in his devotion to the church — Christ's bride — will be unwilling and unable to follow Christ's example as a husband. A man's commitment to the church is among the most important tests, if not the most important test, of his ability to love a woman well.

Getting close to your goal in this desire for a Christian husband isn't good enough. Nor is it biblical. You ask if your expectation and hope for a man hungry for God is reasonable. Yes, it is. But even more than that, it's essential. Without a mutual love of Christ, and an intentional and obedient pursuit of Him, you will not be equally yoked.

You should end the relationship for the very reasons you've stated: You are committed to following Christ and obeying Him, whatever the cost, including loving the church He died for, and he is not. If you tell him that you fear God more than man and that you desire Christ above all else — that He occupies first place in your life — he may be offended and possibly insult you for something he cannot understand, or maybe by the grace of God, he will be shaken out of his complacency and come to a saving knowledge of God through Christ Jesus. Whatever his response, you can trust that God will work even a difficult outcome to your good, if you love Him and are called according to His purposes (Romans 8:28). Your love for God is displayed in your obedience to His commands.

Either way, if you are as serious about your faith as you say you are (and I do believe you are), then you will realize there are no other options. You cannot marry this man, or any man, who though he calls himself a Christian, does not walk humbly before his Lord, obeying Him no matter the cost, taking up His cross and following Him, and practicing the sacrificial love Christ displayed for His bride, displaying genuine love for the church in His own search for a wife.

I pray God will give you the courage to obey Him.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

Bosses Don't Give Gold Stars — and Other Career Advice

Thu, 09 May 2013 09:15:15 -0600

For those who are beginning their careers, here are four key principles for on-the-job success.

Smartphone Addiction: Episode 275

Thu, 09 May 2013 00:00:00 -0600

Dear God, It's Boundless: Episode 274

Thu, 02 May 2013 00:00:00 -0600

Does my love for a nonbeliever mean God will save her?

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 11:06:42 -0600

Thanks for your question. There's a lot to think about here, so let me try to bring some Scripture to bear.

First things first. Your question indicates that the woman you're in a relationship with is a "Christian lady," but that she is not "born again." I realize that people in a number of different cultures (including some here in the U.S.) might identify themselves as "Christian" in some way even though they have not been "born again," but the Bible teaches us that such a self-identification is incorrect. As a purely biblical matter, if we are not "born again," we are not followers of Christ ("Christians") as the Bible defines that term. You said in your question that you are still praying for this woman's salvation, so it seems like you know this, but just in case — and for the benefit of others who might read this — let's clarify.

In John 3:3, Jesus tells a ruler of the Jews: "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." So what does it mean to be born again? We will be born again — given new life in Christ — if we repent of our sins and believe the Gospel of Christ: that there is a perfectly holy God who created the world and all that is in it (including mankind) by His word and for His glory (Genesis 1-2); that we as human beings have sinned against this perfectly holy God, and therefore we deserve and are under His just condemnation (Genesis 3; Romans 3, Ephesians 2:1-3); that God, because of His great love and mercy, sent His own Son, Jesus Christ, to live a perfect life and die on the cross as a substitute, to atone for the sins of all those who would repent of their sins and believe in Him, and to restore those who believe in Him to eternal fellowship with God (John 3:16; Ephesians 2:4-9; Acts 4:12); and that God raised Jesus from the dead, to make clear to the world that Jesus is God's Son, and that all He said about himself and the Gospel is true (Luke 24:1-12; Acts 3:12-21).

Now to the heart of your question. If you are clear that this woman is not a believer (not a follower of Jesus as the Bible defines that term) then it is not God's will that you pursue her as a wife — at least not now. The Bible is clear that believers are only to marry other believers. In 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul instructs that marriages of believers are to be "only in the Lord" — that is, only to other Christians. Also, Ephesians 5:22-33, the fullest explanation we have in the Bible of what a godly, biblical marriage is, makes clear that what God calls us to in marriage — to bring God glory by intentionally reflecting the way Christ has loved the church and the way the church responds to the leadership of Christ — can only be carried out by people who are themselves in Christ.

Your question also mentioned that you have developed really strong affection for this woman. I don't doubt it. Theological truths and biblical prohibitions don't automatically inoculate believers from attraction to and affection for nonbelievers — especially when they get involved in a close romantic relationship. Even so, you cannot assume that because you feel strongly for this woman, God will save her. And it seems even clearer that you should not use such an assumption as grounds to marry her before you are fully convinced the Lord has saved her. Remember, the way God almost always communicates His will to His people is not with mystical signs or emotions in the pits of our stomachs, but through His Word in Scripture. And God will never "tell" us, through some feeling or sign, to do something that clearly contradicts His Word.

I know this answer may be a little difficult to swallow. I will pray that the Lord will give you wisdom and faithfulness to His Word as you think through how to proceed.

Blessings,
SCOTT CROFT

Is it better to marry than to burn?

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:33:28 -0600

Thanks for writing. Now brace yourself, because I have three questions for you.

The first: If you're sure you aren't mature enough to marry, then what makes you think you're mature enough to get engaged? Turning it around: If you're sure that you are mature enough to get engaged, then what makes you think you're not mature enough for marriage too?

The second: The usual reason people have difficulty avoiding sexual intercourse is that they've already crossed too many other lines. If you want to avoid having sex, you have to re-cross those lines in the other direction — you have to go back. This means a real change in behavior: Avoid everything that is arousing. Yes, that includes drawn-out kissing sessions; as I told another reader, you have to stop thinking of sexual arousal as recreation.

The third: Being alone together is one of the most arousing things there is, so spend as little time as possible by yourselves (read that as zero). Instead, spend your couple-time with other people around; for example, restaurant yes, apartment no. If you back off from aloneness now, then it will be wonderful to be alone on your wedding night — but don't imagine that you can have bedroom privacy without the rest of the bedroom experience. Capiche?

I think you'll be interested in my reply to the next set of letters, too.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

I got my girlfriend pregnant. What now?

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:21:38 -0600

I really will answer your questions — but before you read further, let me ask you to do four things, because if you don't, the answers to your questions may not make much difference. Here's why the four things are necessary. You say you know you've "made a silly choice," but you don't acknowledge that you've sinned. "Doing things without God's help" comes closer to an accurate description, but it's not there yet. Sin is grave business. More than being imprudent, it's defying God.

FIRST, then, you need to call what you did by its right name — it wasn't an error but a sin, and it wasn't "being together" but having sex. While you're at it, notice that you committed two other sins as well. You shouldn't have set the young woman such a rotten example of what it means to follow Christ, and you should have been seeking a spouse who also knew Christ rather than getting mixed up with someone who didn't. What did you think dating was for?

SECOND, you need to repent of those three sins, before God, in the name of Jesus Christ. Repentance means more than being sorry — it means turning 180 degrees around, and going the other way. Among other things, going the other way means that you renounce having further sex with the young woman outside marriage; the fact that she's already pregnant doesn't give you a green light to continue. But listen to this: Going the other way does not mean that you should abandon her just because you shouldn't have dated or had sex with her in the first place. You have new obligations now. More about that below.

THIRD, when you repent, you must accept God's forgiveness. He promises it to those who genuinely repent and trust Christ as their sinbearer. This is a guarantee. It isn't godly to berate yourself for your sins and yet not accept His forgiveness; the idea is to repent, accept His forgiveness, and live henceforth on the path of sanctity.

FOURTH, you need to ask His help to do His will for the rest of your life, beginning with what lies immediately ahead.

Have you done these four things? If not, go back and do them.

Now prepare yourself. You ask my help for the situation you are in "at the moment." That is the wrong way to think of it. It isn't for the moment, but for the rest of your time on earth. I won't say "Your life is about to change," because it already has. You are now a father, and you already have the obligations of a father. The fact that the child is not yet born makes no difference. The fact that you didn't intend to become a father makes no difference either. You are one, and from now on your first earthly obligation is to protect the mother and the child.

Should you marry her? You say that you want to, not only because of the baby but because you love each other, but that you're concerned about your youth, what your friends will say, and the fact that she's not a Christian.

Let me address each of these issues in turn.

Marriage. Yes, you should marry her, and you should understand that marriage is permanent. "For better or for worse" means exactly what it says — if you marry thinking "so long as it works out," it won't. The reason you should marry her is that you are now a father, and God has already made a provision for fathers to protect their families. The marital bond is precisely that provision. If there would be grave impediments to a marriage — for example, if you had another wife, if she had another husband, or either or both of you were morally incapable of undertaking your marital obligations — then you and the mother should give up the child for adoption by a Christian husband and wife who can provide a good home. This would be a real sacrifice on your part; it is not easy to do. The alternative, however — relegating the young woman to single Momhood, with you merely making visits and paying child support — is unthinkable.

Love. Yes, you should love each other, but remember what love is: not a feeling, not an emotion, not a state of romantic excitement, but a commitment of the will to the true good of the other person. Such commitments are sealed by promises, and that's what the marriage ceremony is about. The feelings are just gravy, and they may come and go.

Youth. Nineteen is not too young to get married. My wife and I married at 19. Nor is 20 too young to have children. We had our first at 21. In our grandparents' day, young men and women married and had children much earlier than today. Our era has merely prolonged adolescence. People take longer to grow up, not because it has to take that long, but because not much is expected of them.

What your friends will say. When you get married, don't say to your friends "I had to get married because I slept with my girlfriend." Say "Guess what? I'm married!" What will they say? I hope they will say "Congratulations!" If they say something else, you need another set of friends. Which may very well be the case. You and your wife will probably find yourselves making your closest friends among other young married couples.

The fact that the young woman is not a Christian. It's true — barring other obligations — that Christians should marry other Christians. But that point is moot, because you do have other obligations now. You are the father of a child with this woman, and therefore your relationship with her has already changed permanently. You aren't like an uncommitted person considering whether to date a nonbeliever; you are more like a married person considering whether to divorce a nonbeliever — and I hope I don't have to tell you what God thinks of divorce. You are now the young woman's protector and the protector of the child, and as I said, God's provision for protectorship is marriage.

Now comes the hard part. To be a good protector — a good physical protector, and a good spiritual protector — you have to change. You weren't physically protecting the young woman when you had sex with her. (By the way, get rid of the idea that condoms are "protection." They aren't. The only protector is a living being.) And you weren't spiritually protecting her when you set her such an awful example of what it means to follow Christ. To be the protector of the mother and child, you must now become the man you haven't been so far. My recommendation to you is to get down on your knees every day and beg God to make you that man. So she isn't a follower of Christ? From now on, you are His earthly representative to her. If she does come to know Him, it will probably be because she sees Him in you. If she doesn't, it will probably be because she doesn't see Him in you.

One last point. Life has already changed, but it will change more than you think. You've spoken of government assistance. Are you in poverty? No, I didn't think so; not many poor people are in college. But if you aren't, it is shameful to seek government assistance. Are you able-bodied? I thought so. Then work. You may have to go to school part-time, or take a break from school. It isn't the end of the world; I did it. You will look back on it and say, "I'm glad I did that." Accepting help from parents is better than accepting help from the government, but remember that you are an adult now, the father of your own new family. So try not to burden your own parents either. My advice is to accept tuition aid from your parents if they offer it — they probably would have provided that anyway — but so far as possible, provide the living expenses for your new family by your own labors. Your parents may want to help you more than that. Love them for it, but don't agree; it wouldn't be good for you.

I have been tough with you, not from self-righteousness — God knows that I am a great sinner — but because you have a tough road ahead of you. Let me close with two thoughts.

First, you will not make the road any easier by imagining that you can choose another. Be a man of God now, a follower of Christ. Take up His shield and sword as His soldier, and face what must be faced with a song of strength and faith.

Second, if you do follow Him He will bless you. The Lord chastises those whom He loves, but He will not always chastise. If you accept his chastisement, He will use it to do you good which you have never imagined. Read these words of King David, who knew something about repentance and forgiveness.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him;

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

How can I lead my boyfriend back to God?

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:13:28 -0600

I'll try to answer both the question that you put in words (it isn't your real question, but I'll come back to that), and a couple of other questions that you don't put in words but do ask between the lines.

The question you put in words is how I finally returned to God. Well, not because anyone called my bluff. Nor through recognition of my own foolishness. Nor through love. Nor through learning. Nor even through the agony I had brought upon myself. I did tell God one night that I didn't believe in Him — that if He existed, He could have me, but He would have to show me, because I couldn't tell. Though I felt like a fool for this prayer, He did answer it, in His own time. I came, months later, to feel a greater and greater horror about myself: An overpowering true intuition that my condition was objectively evil. This intuition contradicted everything I had been telling myself, but it had authority, commanding assent — and I assented. Though I didn't know it at the time, it was what John's Gospel calls the conviction of sin. In answer to my forgotten prayer, the Holy Spirit had been secretly cutting a door in the stone wall of my self-deception. From that, everything followed.

Now the reason that I don't think how I came back to God is your real question is that you already had the answer to it when you wrote. You see, I've told my story right in my book, and you mention that you've read it. When I ask myself "What is the young lady's real question?", I notice these three facts:

Your letter presents itself as being about your friend.
Although you are deeply concerned about his loss of faith, you don't actually talk about how you might help him return to his faith.
What you do talk about is your own feelings and actions toward him: you write that you're strongly attracted to him, that you're not dating him, that you've become "physical" with him, and that the way you live your life is not on track. Will you forgive me for being blunt? I don't think your friend's spiritual condition is the real reason you wrote; I think yours is. At some level you realize that you are in a spiritually dangerous position, but you aren't sure that you want to get out of it. You sort of want someone to tell you that it's okay, but deep down you also want someone to tell you that it isn't.

Well, I'll take the job. I'm sorry, but from a genuinely Christian point of view you really do need to get out of the situation. It really isn't okay. In the first place, it may keep your friend away from Christ — yes, really! — because of your bad example to him. In the second place, it may lead you away from Christ yourself. You may be right that God first put you in your friend's life for a reason, but since then you haven't been doing it God's way. Whatever God's purpose is for the relationship, you cannot be obedient to it unless you are obedient to God in all the other ways, too.

Here's what I mean. You have been deceiving yourself in at least two different ways.

Self-deception #1: "I'm not dating him." You may not be officially dating him, true. But you spend lots of time with him and you are involved socially, romantically, and physically with him, and these things are more than equivalent to dating. As you already know, you shouldn't allow yourself to become entwined with anyone it wouldn't be all right to marry, and it wouldn't be all right to marry anyone who doesn't share your Christian faith.

Self-deception #2: "Being physical is okay, so long as we don't have sex." Let us be honest about what being "physical" means. It means doing things with him that sexually arouse you. I'm sure you remember what I wrote about that in How to Stay Christian in College. God invented sexual arousal, but He invented it as a preparation for sexual intercourse, and He reserves sexual intercourse for married people. Saying "We'll do things that arouse us, but we won't have sex" is futile and dishonest.

Self-deception #3: "It's hard not to be physical because I care about him so much." This isn't about how much you care for him; it's about how much you like those sexual feelings you get with him. "Caring for him" means desiring what's good for him, and being a source of sexual temptation to him is hardly conducive to his good.

If you really do have some care for your friend, then what you have to do is (1) cut off both the physical and the romantic side of the relationship, (2) make it clear to him that this is what you're doing, and (3) don't spend any time with him alone, or you'll be right back where you started.

I realize that purity is hard, but God never promised that it would be easy. What He promised was that His help would be sufficient. That's really true, you know.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Did God give me a sign to be with this guy?

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:05:41 -0600

Thank you for your question; it reminds me of how common it is to mystify this process of finding a mate. I think we tend to make the process of matching up for marriage more complicated than it has to be. You are not alone in this. When we really like someone and they're not reciprocating, we tend to look for signs and wonders that will change the heart of the one we're pining for. If it's "God's will," we think, then he surely will realize it and turn and ask me out! But we do a similar thing when we're the one with no interest. You've described it above. Here's a man who's significantly older than you, who's not attractive to you, and who, from all appearances, is not a good fit for you. Yet you're wondering if maybe the fact that you're aware of all this "ill-suitedness" and that this awareness came while you were fasting, is some sort of sign that he is, in fact, "God's will."

I'd like to put your mind at ease: It's not shameful to admit you're not attracted to someone. It's honest.

To marry a man, you need to like to be around him, look forward to being with him and find him generally pleasant. There is much, much more that goes into making a Christian marriage, but I would suggest that this enjoyment of one another is part of the basics. You need not necessarily be passionately crazy about him to make a good marriage, but feeling creeped out by him is not the place to begin.

Do you have an older, married couple in your church that you could talk with about this — about your plans for school, and career following that, as well as your desire for marriage and family? You need someone who is spiritually wise, biblically astute and relationally healthy to help you think through not only the best way to let your friend know tactfully, kindly, but firmly, that you aren't interested in a romantic relationship with him, but also to help you think realistically about how your demanding career track may, or may not, fit with your ideals for future family. And more urgently, I believe you need to talk with someone about the way your degree program is putting stress on your relationship with God.

On Fasting

You mention that you were fasting for a husband. I have often encouraged single women desiring to marry for God's glory to get more serious about their prayers for a husband by including fasting. The intentional giving up of food for at least a day — long enough to create the feelings of hunger — provides a physical reminder to pray. When the stomach growls, we instinctively head to the fridge, and then we remember, Ah, I'm fasting. I must pray. Those rumblings focus the mind wonderfully, reminding us that we were not meant to live on bread alone (Matthew 4:4, Deuteronomy 8:3). We are infinitely more than our appetites and fasting reminds us of this truth.

In A Hunger for God, John Piper writes, "If we don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because [we] have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because we have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Our soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great."

One way to break away from the buffet of small things is by the small pain of hunger created by fasting. But we must know why we do it. We can so easily make what we want the focus of our lives and of our prayers. Even fasting can be done with the thought that somehow if we give up food, God will give us what we want. But that's not the fasting God desires. He wants us to come to Him in prayer for the praise of His great glory.

Piper says,

The most fundamental reason why fasting cannot earn anything from God is that it is a gift of God. It is something that God is "working in us." You can't expect God to pay for what is already his. This is what Paul meant when he said in Romans 11:35-36, "Who has first given to [God] that it might be paid back to him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen." That includes fasting. It is from him and through him and to him. It is not first offered to God that we might be paid back because of it. It is first given by God that we might benefit from it and that he might be glorified through it.

We mustn't think fasting is a magic formula for getting what we want. As Edith Schaeffer wrote,

Is fasting ever a bribe to get God to pay more attention to the petitions? No, a thousand times no. It is simply a way to make clear that we sufficiently reverence the amazing opportunity to ask help from the everlasting God, the Creator of the universe, to choose to put everything else aside and concentrate on worshiping, asking for forgiveness, and making our requests known—considering His help more important than anything we could do ourselves in our own strength and with our own ideas."The Life of Prayer (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1992), pp. 75-76. Quoted in A Hunger for God, 209.

(A Hunger for God is a strong help for understanding what it means to fast according to God's Word. And it's available as a free PDF download. I strongly encourage you to read it!)

On Disabilities

If you had said you love everything about this man but can't imagine giving up your dream of having a husband with two working legs and arms, I would challenge you to revisit your conviction that it is right to sacrifice for the Gospel. Have you heard the Boundless interview with Larissa Murphy about her journey? I think you would find great perspective on marriage to a man with disability and encouragement from her, and from Ian's and her story of faithfulness in the midst of brain injury and more.

On Career and Family

It would also be good to find a Christian woman in the sort of job you aspire to and ask her how she balances the demands of being a professor with those of a husband and children. If you search but can't find one who's married, ask one who's still unmarried if/how her career has affected her desire for marriage and family. It's always good to look ahead to where you're hoping to go and to count the cost of what's involved in getting there (Luke 14:28).

If your current path is so demanding that it makes caring for yourself difficult, it's worth asking how you would be able to add a husband and children to the mix. Something may need to change. That's where the life-giving relationships of a biblical church family come in. It's within the context of the body of Christ that we're supposed to live and grow in our understanding of what it means to be a Christian. That includes how we study, date, plan, live — it includes all of life. "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).

May "God … make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work" (2 Corinthians 9:8).

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

I Got an iPhone Infection

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 10:10:46 -0600

My iPhone had grown on me — literally. It was attached to my hand, clinging to me like a localized infection I didn't want to cure.

Baby Bust: Episode 273

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0600

How do you know the Christian faith has any power?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 17:00:08 -0600

Thanks for your letter. Your question is why I believe that Christian faith has power to deliver someone from bondage to sin and guilt. I wouldn't put it quite that way. Christ is the one with the power to deliver us, and faith is merely the means by which He brings us to Himself. What faith means is trusting with our whole heart and mind that He, and no one else, can deliver us. It isn't faith that delivers, but Christ who delivers; therefore we need faith in Christ.

The reason I believe that He has this power is that innumerable witnesses have testified to it. First are the witnesses in Scripture and Christian tradition. Far less in authority, but closer to me, are the witnesses among people whom I know. Last and least, I guess, is me. I too once abandoned Him, and if you had known me before I returned to Him, you wouldn't have believed that He could deliver me either.

Yet I don't think that why I believe these things is your real question. Let me tell you how I read your letter.

You say that before abandoning Christ, you had already sunk into compulsive masturbation, use of pornography, and abuse of alcohol.
You say that since abandoning Christ you are "in the driver's seat" and now experience "far less desire" for any of these things. However, these statements are contradicted by your later confession that your alcohol intake is actually increasing week by week. Plainly you are in trouble, and you are not in the driver's seat at all.
The statements are also contradicted by the reason you give for abandoning Christ — if you were going to go on sinning, you say, then you might as well not feel guilty about it. The intention, then, was to go on sinning. If that was your intention, why complain to Him that you carried it out?
Moreover, you haven't really escaped from the sense of guilt. Your letter is full of self-justifications, some of them quite absurd. I'm thinking, for example, of your claim that every Christian male is in bondage to pornography and masturbation. Nobody works that hard to justify himself unless he knows he needs to.
The reason that abandoning Christ didn't release you from the sense of guilt is that Christ wasn't your accuser in the first place; your conscience was. The burden you escaped when you abandoned Christ was His very offer of forgiveness, and the reason it was a burden was that you refused to repent and accept it.
The further you run from the source of help, the more you need to deny that He can help you. The further your life spins out of control, the more you need to believe that you are in the driver's seat, adequate to save yourself.

And so when you ask me why I believe that Christ has the power to deliver a man like you from bondage, I read in your words an arrogant challenge combined with a desperate plea. The challenge is "Christ didn't help me before. Give me one good reason to believe that He can help me now!" The plea is "With my back to Christ, I can't see Him any more. Please tell me, is He really there?"

As to the plea: Yes, He's really there, but you can't see Him unless you turn around. You need to be authentically sorry, which is different from just feeling guilty. You need to abandon your claim to self-ownership and control, turning yourself over to Him. And you need to reverse course, fleeing from your sin instead of into it. If you don't yet want to turn around, then at least begin wanting to want to. Implore Christ with all your heart to make you want to. Ask Him to have His way with you at last. Be patient; pray persistently. You have been hardening your heart for a long time, and it may take Him time to soften it.

As to the challenge: I can well believe that Christ didn't help you before, because whatever you may have told yourself at the time, the fact is that you did not yet want His help. Make no mistake, being healed is a laborious process. You may fall, repent, and be picked up, fall, repent, and be picked up, many times before you begin to feel His strength flowing into your legs. On the way, there may be pain, and there may be humiliating discoveries. But you have to begin.

I foresee that one of the most difficult things for you may be returning to Christian fellowship. Just as you don't want to acknowledge your dependence on Christ, you may find it hard to confess your need of help to other Christians. But the Church is the Ark in which Christ pilots us over the flood. You can either enter in, or drown.

When you asked on your Christmas list for a little bit of Wisdom, Judgment, Knowledge, and Understanding, you were asking someone; it must have been the Lord. If you accept such little bits as He sends, then He will send more.

Postscript:

After receiving my reply, you wrote back "I agree that my own heart convicted me, but I did not see in Christ an offer of forgiveness. I grant that this has a huge chance of being faulty, and I will conduct research to test my claim."

If you didn't see in Christ an offer of forgiveness, try these! "Come unto me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you" (Matthew 11:28). "God so loved the world, that He gave His only-begotten Son, to the end that all that believe in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). "This is a true saying, and worthy of all men to be received, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (1 Timothy 1:15). "If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the Righteous; and He is the perfect offering for our sins, and not for ours only, but for the sins of the whole world" (1 John 2:1-2).

I liked the ending to your second letter. You explained that it was your parents whom you had asked for Wisdom, Judgment, Knowledge, and Understanding. "They are Christians," you said, "so I'm sure that the Lord has been asked. I have not said in my heart, 'There is no God,' so there is still hope." My advice to you is to act on it.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

What if I doubt my faith?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 16:56:32 -0600

My dear, take heart: You are experiencing a relatively normal attack of doubt. It feels worse than it is because it's your first time and you didn't expect it. I think you will find, though, that it is your faith that is reasonable and rational, not the doubt.

In the unpublished version of my original reply, I addressed the specific doubts that you mentioned in the unpublished version of your letter. Of course, different people experience different doubts. But there is also something universal in what you tell me, something that other readers will recognize even if their doubts are different from yours. I talked about that with you too, and that is what I want to talk about here.

What you are experiencing is something that many new or newly-serious Christians experience. For some, doubt strikes immediately after conversion. For others, it strikes the moment they begin trying to lead a godly life. For still others, like you, it happens the first time they are called to go out on a limb — the first time they are called to do something which may make a difference to the life of someone else. Like your uncle.

There are two reasons why new Christians sometimes suffer this experience. One reason is the nervousness which is natural after big decisions. After all, there is no bigger decision than following Christ. Real estate agents call such nervousness "buyer's remorse" because a lot of home buyers start worrying that the house is no good the moment they sign the mortgage papers. Newly engaged and newly married people sometimes feel panicky too. This passes. Trust me.

The second reason is that the Adversary hates your faith. There was no need to attack it before, because it was so fuzzy. As soon as you began to take it seriously, he tried to blast it. But you're not helpless; this is an opportunity to exercise your faith muscles. Pray — and bear in mind that the mere fact that you can think of an objection to faith doesn't mean that you actually have good reason to abandon it! One can always think of objections; if I try, I can think of a dozen reasons why I might be hallucinating, or why my wife might be having an affair. But do I have good reason to abandon my trust in my senses, my memory, or my wife? No.

Of course you're right to seek out the answers to your specific questions. Yours were about the historical evidence for the resurrection of Jesus Christ — a topic which has come up in this column before — and I was glad to help you with them. Keep seeking, but don't shut out your church and the Christian members of your family from your distress. The Christian life is not a solitary life, and they may be far more help than you think, in ways you can't foresee.

In the meantime, go on serving Christ. Go ahead and visit your uncle. Talk with him. Love him. Take him the book. The very act of doing so will open the shutters in the shadowed room of doubt. Paralysis is the Adversary's ploy.

Finally, remember that faith is not the feeling of trust, but trust. You can go on living your faith even if from time to time the feelings seem to sputter. God will bless you for doing so, and some day you will be giving advice to someone who is struggling with doubt. After you've come through this attack, you'll be a battle veteran. Read what Paul says about spiritual warfare in Ephesians 6, and strap on the full armor of faith. Go with God, soldier.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Is engagement expected to follow closely after saying 'I love you'?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 16:37:01 -0600

To use the word "love" for a mere feeling — as you seem to have done — is careless and cruel. Authentic love is not a feeling, but a permanent commitment of the will to the true good of the other person. In a romantic context, therefore, the words "I love you" mean "I have resolved, if you will have me, to give the rest of my life to you alone." They are properly used only as a preamble to proposing, with marriage to follow shortly, and to speak them when no such intention has been formed is to use a woman's heart as your plaything.

A century ago, when people still knew how to deal with cads, you would have been horsewhipped by her father on the steps of your favorite hangout, and your only hope of redeeming your reputation would have been to submit meekly and publicly to the punishment. In our time that option is no longer available, but if you have any decency at all you will confess to her that you've been stringing her along.

I take it that the occasion of your second question is that she replied "I love you, too," and now you think you are beyond criticism. When a man loves a woman, he is more aware of his faults than of hers, and he ardently desires to become better for her sake. The answer, then, is that she doesn't have to accept all your faults; she doesn't have to accept you at all. Try to be more worthy of your next girlfriend, because if this one catches on she'll drop you like a hot potato.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Is it OK to live together just weeks before our wedding?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 16:12:12 -0600

Blessings for writing. I congratulate you on your upcoming marriage, and on your desire to follow God and do the right thing. One of the right things to do — and God is quite clear about this — is not to live together unmarried, no, not even for a day. The fact that only three weeks remain until the wedding is irrelevant. Here are four good biblical reasons.

Three weeks is long enough for everyone you know to be convinced that your relationship with your fiance is unchaste — even if it isn't. That's a serious matter. God says we should stay away not only from wrong, but also from the appearance of wrong.
Three weeks is long enough to send the wrong message to your children about how unmarried people should live. There aren't any words you can say to them that will make this bad example OK. On the other hand, to show them that you are willing to change what you are doing and suffer the inconvenience of a temporary separation, just to please God, will send a strong and powerful good message — one which they may not appreciate now, but which they will thank you for some day. God holds us responsible for every detail of the example that we set our children.
Three weeks is long enough to be tempted, no matter how strong your resolution to be chaste. The biblical saying "Pride goes before a fall" applies to pride about your strength of resolution, too.
By being willing to please God even when it involves inconvenience or frustration, you will develop the muscles of spiritual obedience which your marriage will need to stay strong. A healthy marriage depends on God's will, not self-will.

Two cautions against self-deception: Don't tell yourselves "We can't find him another place to live in such a short time!" It's easy, if you're really trying. If he were living in an apartment and it burned down at breakfast, by suppertime he'd have found a temporary place to stay, wouldn't he? With a guy friend, whatever — he wouldn't be sleeping on the street. And don't tell yourselves "It's too late to set a good example for the kids and our friends, because we've set the bad one already!" It's never too late. You can set the example of changing your behavior when you realize that you're not doing the right thing! What a powerful example that would be!

May God always help you to do the right thing, now and throughout your coming marriage.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

My boyfriend lives with me. What should I do?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 16:07:32 -0600

My dear, the tone and content of your letter show with great clarity that you already know what you should do, and that you also know the reasons. All you need now is to do it. Your boyfriend needs to move out right away. If it takes him a little while to find a permanent place, then in the meantime he should stay with a male friend — not with you. God bless you. I don't think you need me to say any more to you than this, because the picture is clear to you already. The other things will take care of themselves.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

What if my parents disapprove of my interracial relationship?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:54:39 -0600

You must do the right thing — not the thing which pleases your boyfriend or your parents. Family considerations are far from unimportant in deciding what the right thing is, because if you marry the young man, then your birth family and the young man's birth family will be related from now on, and hostility between the families will affect him, you, and your children. Even so, doing the right thing is not the same as doing what makes your parents happy, and you are not their last hope. I hope they haven't been laying that on you.

Doing the right thing does include considering why your parents disapprove of the relationship, and whether their reasons are sound. Unfortunately, I can't help you here because you don't say what your parents' reasons are. You mention the difference of race between you and your boyfriend — which suggests that their reasons may be based on racial prejudice — but you don't actually say that they are. In fact you don't mention any of their reasons at all.

If your parents do reject the relationship just because they dislike persons of different skin color, then they are being unreasonable. But if (for example) they disapprove of the relationship because they think you're rushing into it — or because they fear that the cultural gap may be too great to bridge, or because they don't consider you mature enough to marry, or because they know something unfavorable about the young man which you aren't telling me — then their thinking may or may not be sound. I simply haven't the information to judge.

One last thing. Whatever the right thing is, secrecy couldn't be part of it. You shouldn't demand it, and your boyfriend shouldn't put up with it. Doing things in the dark can bring nothing but sin, dishonesty, misery, and division of counsel. Put an end to the secrecy, not tomorrow, not tonight, but today.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Is it OK to smoke or drink occasionally?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:35:37 -0600

The way you frame your questions suggests that you think these things are not the same. I agree.

Two points are accepted by all Christians: First, that we should not consume anything which harms our bodies, and second, that we should never become intoxicated. All the rest requires judgment. Now of the substances you mention — alcohol, tobacco and marijuana — some Christians think it wisest to stay away from all three, while others allow the moderate use of alcohol. One difference between alcohol and marijuana is that although a person may have a glass of wine without getting drunk, getting high is the whole reason for smoking a joint. In fact, the more experience with marijuana one has had, the less it takes to get high.

Another difference among the three substances is that although even small quantities of tobacco and marijuana are harmful — a problem even with the therapeutic uses of marijuana — small quantities of alcohol may produce limited health benefits without harm. That's why Paul advised Timothy to take a little wine with his meals for his ailing stomach (1 Timothy 5:23). For such reasons, most of the Christian denominations do permit moderate use of alcohol, but urge abstention from the other two substances, especially marijuana.

However, even if your denomination permits the moderate use of alcohol, you should avoid it if you find that you get drunk easily, that you have difficulty practicing moderation, that the use of it impairs your judgment, that you are changing your way of life to accommodate it, that you are becoming dependent upon it, that you dislike people who don't use it — or, of course, if you are under the legal age.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

How could Job be perfectly just if he was human?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:19:43 -0600

Job lives an upright life. As I read it, the story gets its point not from the fact that he has never committed any sin at all, but from the fact that he hasn't committed any hidden, unconfessed sin which would explain why such terrible things are happening to him now.

Though Job believes God will judge his complaint properly if only He hears it, he isn't completely confident that God is listening. In the end, he learns better and repents, humbly admitting that he hadn't known what he was talking about.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Can I lose my salvation?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:06:07 -0600

There are certain questions about which Christians have historically disagreed, and the question "Can one lose one's salvation?" is one of them. One of the answers must be wrong and one of them must be right, but real Christians are found on both sides. Some Protestants think you can't lose your salvation. Roman Catholics, as well as other Protestants, think you can. A frustrating aspect of the controversy is that Christians have historically disagreed not only about whether you can lose your salvation, but also about how important it is to settle the question in the first place.

The argument that a Christian can lose his salvation runs like this. Even Christians sometimes sin, and even Christians sometimes find it difficult to repent. Obstinate refusal to repent is a kind of rebellion against God, and it's hard to see how someone who is in rebellion against God when he dies can wind up with God in heaven. Why would he even want to be with Him? Those who think that a Christian cannot lose his salvation reply that if someone obstinately refuses to repent of his sin, persisting in refusal until death, he couldn't have been a real Christian in the first place.

You might say "Let's settle the question by consulting the Bible," and that's a good idea, but both sides of the controversy claim biblical support. They disagree about the meaning of certain important passages of Scripture. For example, those who think Christians can lose their salvation quote what Paul says in Romans 11:

Note then the kindness and the severity of God: Severity toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness to you, provided you continue in his kindness; otherwise you too will be cut off.

But those who think Christians cannot lose their salvation quote what he says just three chapters earlier:

For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Paul isn't contradicting himself. The question is: Which group has interpreted his words correctly? Instead of merely throwing verses at each other, we need to put those verses in context and think hard about what Paul is really saying.

I could give you my own view of the matter, but I don't want you to decide which view is right just because I say so. I'll just say that among Protestants, the most well-known defender of the view that we cannot lose our salvation is John Calvin, and among the most well-known defenders of the view that we can lose our salvation is John Wesley. You may want to look up what Calvinists and Wesleyans say about the issue yourself. The best source for the Roman Catholic view is the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Life Lessons: What My Mentors Taught Me

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:58:43 -0600

College is a great time to learn lessons that aren't on the syllabus.

Can God create something contrary to His own good nature?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:40:16 -0600

Different writers may explain these matters somewhat differently, but as I see it, the main outline of the story is something like this.

God is free in that nothing apart from God "makes" Him do what He does. Although everything He does is good, this isn't because something different than God, called good, somehow limits Him. Rather, good is what He is. Good isn't abstract, but personal. It's Him, in the triune love of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

It wasn't contrary to God's nature to give His created rational beings the gift of creaturely freedom, because the gift didn't make them rebel against Him; it merely enabled them to choose. True, to be able to choose is to be able to choose rebellion. But to be able to choose is also to be able to choose to follow Him — and some goods, like love, can come into their own only if they are unforced. So the gift itself was good and in keeping with God's own goodness.

To answer your question about how Satan became evil, I have to clear up an ambiguity in the way we use the word "nature." Sometimes when we speak of something's nature, we mean "how it is." For example, this is how we speak of God's nature. But when we speak of the nature of created things, we are usually referring not to how they are, but to how God designed them to be. Human nature is the design that God imparted to human beings; angelic nature is the design He imparted to angelic beings. In this second sense, there is no such thing as an evil nature, because all of God's creational designs are good. Even Satan was created with a good nature. He had existence (that was good), intelligence (that was good), various other powers for serving God (those were good), and freedom (also good).

However, because creaturely freedom includes the ability to choose whether or not to follow the Creator, Satan could rebel. And he did. It makes no sense to ask what pre-existing evil "made him do it." There wasn't any, for if something had made him do it, then his doing it wouldn't have been free. The explanation of why you commit a free act is that you choose to commit it.

By rebelling, Satan misused the good gifts God had given him; he put himself in conflict with his own design. It's exactly the same when we rebel. Our freedom isn't like the Creator's freedom, because God cannot act against His nature, but we can act against our natures. Though nothing "makes" us do it, we can use our freedom even to impair our freedom, to ruin ourselves.

So you see, there were no evil things in the beginning; the only way to get a bad thing is to take a good thing and ruin it. That's what Satan used the good gift of freedom to do, and that's what he taught us to do. We do it every time we use the good of intellect for cheating, the good of knowledge for rationalizing, the good of trust for deception, or the good of sex for lust.

Thanks be to God for untying the knot of this terrible sorrow through Jesus Christ, who, though sinless, took the burden of our sin and dislocation upon Himself. Have I answered your questions?

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Why does God let Satan fool with people?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:35:53 -0600

I think God allows Satan to mess with us in part for the same reason He allows us to mess with each other. If there is to be real love, there must be real free will; but if there is to be real free will, then our wrong decisions must have real consequences for us and for other people. You know, men and angels both were given free will, and Satan is just a fallen angel. Over the centuries, many other possible reasons have been suggested. For example, if God did not allow even the possibility of evil, then perhaps we would have no chance to experience great goods like the virtue of courage.

I don't know what would have happened if Satan had been barred from coming into contact with human beings, but it's possible that we needed to be tempted. Notice that I didn't say that we needed to sin. But if there had never been any temptation — if the possibility of turning away from God had never been presented in a way that made it seem real to us — would our adherence to God really have been freely chosen? Notice that God often allows human beings to undergo trials or tests. The purpose of the test isn't to tell God something about us, because He knows everything. It's to tell us something about us. For a fictional presentation of this view, you may be interested in the novel Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. In the novel, the tempter is trying again, but on a new planet.

Now about your final question — why God doesn't act immediately to put an end to the evil Satan commits against human beings. Though we don't have all of the answer, we have part of it. The crucial thing is that God has already acted against Satan. Remember that Satan's greatest harm to us was in the past, when he led our first parents astray. Ever since then something has been wrong inside the human heart, where Satan established his foothold. God's plan against Satan began to unfold immediately; it was His plan for our redemption. The calling of Israel, the giving of the Law through Moses, the prophecy of the Savior through the Prophets, the coming of Jesus, His atoning death and resurrection, the founding of the Church — all of these things were part of God's plan against Satan.

If you ask why God didn't use a faster-working plan, I suspect that part of the answer is that no faster plan could have succeeded with beings of the kind that we are — beings who have free will and so cannot be "forced" to be good, but in whose hearts the damage of sin had already been done. God could have destroyed Satan at any time, but the sinful bent in our hearts would have persisted. More important than destroying Satan himself was putting an end to Satan's power over us, once and for all.

That's what happened on Easter morning. Jesus' sacrificial death and resurrection on our behalf was the beginning of the end for Satan, because it destroyed his foothold in the contested territory of our hearts. Every human being who turns in repentant faith to Christ the Rescuer dies with Christ to his sins, and is raised in Christ to a new kind of life. Of course this new life takes root only gradually, but as Lewis explained, the entry of Christ into a human heart is like the landing of the Marines on the strategic part of an enemy-occupied island. Once the Marines establish their beachhead, the expulsion of the enemy from the rest of the island is only a matter of time.

We don't fully understand what God has told us about the closing phases of the war. In this phase, however, what we see is that the Marines are landing on island after island — Christ, in other words, is establishing his dominion in heart after heart. The timing for God's destruction of Satan is merely one small part of his larger plan for uprooting the evil done by Satan in our souls. God could have merely destroyed Satan but let the sinful tendencies in our hearts persist. In His compassion, He attacked sin at the root. I think this is more glorious still.

In the meantime, Satan is allowed to do no harm that God has not foreseen and provided for. God still allows us to be tempted — but He has promised that so long as we remain in His will, He will not allow us to be tempted beyond our power to resist. By permitting lesser temptations, He instructs us, "for the Lord disciplines those He loves" (Hebrews 12:6, RSV). In this way, even the Enemy's attempt to do harm is turned by God into a means of our good.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Why is my conscience so sensitive?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:22:11 -0600

I think you are asking seven different questions. Let's take them in order.

Is all this guilt and worrying appropriate or inappropriate? In your case, inappropriate. Of course, you should do your best to avoid sin, but when you have done your best to avoid it, and done your best to choose a path which is pleasing to God, then you should walk on that path boldly.
Assuming that it's inappropriate, what's my problem? The older Christian writers had a name for what you've fallen into: "Excessive scrupulosity." It's the habit of worrying too much, in small matters, about whether you might be sinning. It is actually a sin. One reason is that, by spending all your time worrying about whether your life is holy, you are leaving yourself no time to actually live a holy life. Another reason is that excessive scrupulosity diverts your attention from God to yourself; continuous worry about the possibility of sin is a form of self-absorption. (Now don't start feeling excessively guilty about excessive scrupulosity — just do something about it.)
Why do I have the problem? People fall into excessive scrupulosity for various reasons. Some fall into it because it gives them a feeling of being in control — every action is scrutinized. Others fall into it because there is some real guilt which they are trying not to think about, and it expresses itself by making them feel guilty even about things that are innocent. Still others worry too much about sinning for reasons for which they are not necessarily to blame — for example bad theology, something bad that has been done to them, or a psychological disorder. I don't know which of these reasons is behind your own tendency to be excessively scrupulous.
What can I do about it? That depends on why you've fallen into it. If excessive scrupulosity feeds a need to feel "in control," then practice the discipline of relaxing and yielding control to God. There lies freedom. If excessive scrupulosity results from some real guilt that you are trying not to think about, then repent and accept God's forgiveness. There too lies freedom. If you have been taught bad theology (for example, a theology which says God does not forgive repented sin for the believer who turns to Christ), then learn good theology. If you are suffering from something bad which has been done to you, or if you have a psychological disorder, then seek the assistance of a Christian professional who is qualified to help you with such a problem.
But is it really a problem? After all, how can I tell what's right in doubtful matters? It's not really that hard. There is such a thing as sanctified common sense — what the Bible calls "wisdom" — which supplements the Bible's explicit commands. For example, concerning classical music: Is there anything in it that inevitably leads us away from God? I don't think so. J.S. Bach inscribed his compositions "S.D.G." — Soli Deo Gloria — to the glory of God. As you enjoy classical music, you can inscribe your listening with the same thought. And concerning possessions: Of course it's good to live simply; luxury is one of the ways to make an idol of possessions. But to throw away all your possessions just out of fear is just another way to make an idol of them, because they are still ruling you. Either way you are making too much of them. Instead, take your possessions lightly, thinking less about possessions than about God and neighbor.
When I sin, am I right to be terrified of passages like 1 John 3:8-9, which says that no one born of God commits sin? No. John doesn't mean that if you ever discover that you've committed a single sin, you're going to hell and there is no point in repenting. He is talking about obstinate, unrepented sin — sin we refuse to give up. After all, it is the same John, in the same letter, who wrote "My little children, I am writing this to you so that you may not sin; but if any one does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the expiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world" (1 John 2:1-2). So: You should fear sin; you should fear obstinacy; and you should fear refusal to repent. But you should not fear that God does not desire your restoration, and you should not fear that He won't forgive you when you do repent.
If Calvinism is correct, then how can I know whether I am one of the elect? It goes beyond my office as "Theophilus" to declare whether Calvinism is correct or incorrect. But what Calvin taught was that certain people were foreordained never to repent, never to turn to Christ, never to persevere in faith, and never to receive the mercy of God. He never taught that someone could repent, turn to Christ, persevere in faith, and yet not receive the mercy of God.

Here is a prayer for you. "Oh, my God, my Rescuer, I hardly know how to find my own faults. The burden of them is intolerable. Forgive me for wrongs both known and unknown. Cleanse me from secret sins. When you cleanse me, I shall be clean indeed. Thank you for allowing me the release of confession, of forgiveness, and of new life. Thank you for your love, and for the assurance that I cannot be parted from it. Thank you for being the full and sufficient sacrifice for all my sin and guilt. I pray in the name of your son Jesus Christ, and in the help of His Spirit. Amen."

I'll pray for you too.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

After a porn addiction, when will I be ready to date again?

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:10:55 -0600

Your main question is how long you should wait after escaping from your pornography compulsion before beginning to date again. I don't know enough to give you a complete answer, because you haven't told me in what way the old compulsion may have compromised your previous friendships with girls. It would also be good to know just what you're afraid might happen if you go back to dating too soon. So you may want to write again.

In the meantime, since right now you feel neither the desire nor the readiness to date, why force it? Romance isn't a prerequisite for normal life. Every single goes through periods when he has no romantic interest; some singles are even called by God to remain single for life. So there is no need whatsoever to force a romantic interest that isn't there. If at some time in the future your desire for romance returns, but you still don't feel ready, then you will have to decide whether the feeling of unreadiness is reasonable or groundless. But there is no need to worry about a decision that you aren't yet called upon to make.

But here's something else to consider. You say that you have lots of good female friends. If you spend time with them, then it seems to me that you are dating. For example, suppose you and a female friend see a movie or have a meal together. I call that a date. There doesn't have to be romantic attraction for it to be a date; it still won't be like seeing a movie or having a meal with a guy! Besides, romantic attraction might pop out of the corner and surprise you. I speak from experience. Once upon a time I spent many months "not dating" the young woman who later became my wife, before discovering that I was crazy about her.

People are so reluctant to call dates "dates" these days. One reason is probably to escape from pressure for sex; in a deranged society like ours, as soon as you admit that you're having a date, the other party may expect you to begin foreplay. But it ought to be possible to date chastely.

One more point. You mention that when the young woman friend expressed romantic interest which you couldn't return, the two of you prayed about it together. Big mistake. It was wise to pray about it, but you should have done so when you were by yourself, and without mentioning it to her. Centuries of experience show that praying with a person of the opposite sex can itself arouse strong romantic feelings. This makes it difficult to tell the difference between the still, small voice of God, and the gurgle and swoosh of the endocrine system — and even if the experience didn't have that effect on you, it may still have had that it on her. A married man and woman can pray by themselves together safely, but when unmarried male and female friends pray together, they are wiser to do so in groups.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Help! I'm attracted to other men.

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 14:05:00 -0600

I know these unwanted feelings are a great burden to you, but I have good news: There is a lot more help available than you think, and much, much more than there used to be. You are not alone, and you might be surprised how many letters I receive about it. In fact, if you use the "Search" feature at the Boundless homepage, you can find those of previous Office Hours and Ask Theophilus columns which have dealt with the subject.

I suggest that you get in touch with Exodus International, the umbrella organization for Christian ministries devoted to helping people find relief from same-sex attractions. Exodus has a lot of experience, and can refer you to groups that meet in your area, to resources that you can read, and finally to Christian counselors who understand problems like yours and who can help you.

Another thing that may be helpful — at least indirectly — is to reach an understanding of what may be at the root of these unwanted desires. Often their origins lie in difficulties in the early relationship between a young man and his father. If you would find this kind of information helpful, then I can also recommend the Web site of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. NARTH is not a Christian organization, but it's Christian-friendly, and some of the members are Christians.

Chiefly I want to encourage you to do what is necessary to get help — even though it will mean telling your story, whether to a therapist or to an Exodus-affiliated self-help group. Some of my friends who have escaped from same-sex attractions have told me that they had the blessing of belonging to churches which understood, encouraged, and supported them in their efforts to find real change. Not all churches are like that — but some certainly are, and I think that understanding of the issue is growing among Evangelical churches.

Take courage! God, who is your Father, Christ, who is your Brother, and the Holy Spirit love you greatly, and they will support your growth into the man they have planned for you to become. I'll pray for you too.

Grace and peace,
PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS

Do You 'Really' Know Him?

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:53:36 -0600

It's possible to call yourself a Christian and not be one.

How can I as a man prepare for marriage?

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 13:26:26 -0600

Thanks for your question. I do have some thoughts on how you can prepare to be a good husband to this woman at a later time, but before I get to those, let me push back just a bit on your notion that a lack of perfect timing automatically means you should wait a year or two to get married.

You've not mentioned what the "timing" issues are, so I'll tread lightly here, but generally when a man and a woman are in the position of wanting to marry one another, and assuming that it is appropriate biblically for the two of them to be married, I normally would advise 1) that they get married sooner rather than later, and 2) that they prioritize a godly relationship and marriage over "logistics" and other life circumstances rather than waiting to marry until the logistics are perfect or life circumstances are more accommodating from a worldly standpoint.

Why? First, couples in your situation tend to assume too easily that because they think they will eventually marry one another, it's something they can just "do later." Circumstances and desires can change quickly in the absence of a genuine commitment, especially when it's the guy asking the woman to wait one or two years for him to be "better situated" to marry. A lot of women might decide — rightly — that being asked to wait that long to see what happens isn't a fair request or isn't worth it. No one — especially guys — should assume that a potential spouse will just wait around to be available whenever it suits you to marry.

Second, the decision whether and whom to marry is one that will fundamentally affect the lives and ministries of both people involved for the rest of their lives (around 50 years if we assume normal lifespans) or until Jesus returns. It is a decision that will dictate many, many other decisions over the course of one's entire life. In other words, it's generally more important — especially when two people are certain they want to marry one another — to prioritize and establish their marriage in a godly and wise way than it is to delay and even jeopardize the possibility of marriage to accommodate secondary concerns (like waiting until you are financially comfortable to marry, or putting marriage off for years so both of you can finish particular degrees at particular schools at a particular time).

Third, when two people know they want to marry but put it off, it normally puts them in the position of being in a very long dating relationship. (I know you said in your question that you called off the official relationship, and I'll talk more about that in a minute.) As I've written before, long dating relationships (more than a year or so) are very difficult to pull off without sinning in the form of engaging prematurely in physical and emotional intimacy meant only for the context of marriage. Putting off marriage in service to logistics or other secondary circumstances — and putting one another in the way of very strong temptation — is often an unwise choice.

Finally, marriage is a great thing! It tends to grow and mature and sanctify us. It teaches us about God and about ourselves. It broadens our perspective on life and ministry, and it's a wonderful gift from God.

All right, enough of the pitch for marrying sooner. If you and this woman plan to wait a year or two before you officially date again and/or marry, here are three basic thoughts on how to prepare well.

Follow Jesus deliberately and seek to grow in godly manhood. The best thing you can do for your future wife is to grow in your walk with Christ and in godly manhood. God has given us instructions in His Word about how to be godly husbands and men. Study Ephesians 5:25-33 and 1 Peter 3:7 for God's idea of how to be a godly husband (as well as the example of Christ in His servant leadership of His people, chiefly in the cross). Look at 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 for a description of godly manhood (as revealed in the qualifications of elders — leaders in the church).

God has also given us the church and other means of grace to mature us in Him. If you have not committed to and joined a strong, Bible-believing church, do that. Serve in the church. Find an older, more mature brother in Christ and get in a regular accountability and discipleship relationship. If you get married, you will be the spiritual leader of your home (Ephesians 5:23). The best thing you can do for your wife and family is to grow in Christ yourself.

Develop discipline. This one is closely related to the first suggestion. Start now in developing discipline and habits that will stand you in good stead as a husband. Too many single guys basically live like teenagers right up until they get married and then wonder why it's a rough transition.

Learn to manage your household and your time, and use both to serve others rather than yourself. Pursue holiness and sexual purity in your life, and discipline yourself to use technology in a wise and godly way. Get on a budget that allows you to give sacrificially to your church, and stay on it. All these pursuits will teach you skills and maturity that will be helpful to you in marriage, no matter who you marry.

Treat your future spouse as a sister in Christ, with absolute purity (1 Timothy 5:2). Finally, during this interval before marriage, make sure you do not treat the woman you want to marry as though you've already married her. In your question you said you have "called off" the relationship, but you also said you remain "good friends." That can mean a lot of different things, so make sure that in the amount of time you spend together, the things you talk about and the way you treat each other physically and emotionally, that you do not try to enjoy the benefits of marriage before you have made that commitment to her. Remember that you will reap in marriage what you sow before marriage. Make sure you build trust rather than undermine it.

I will pray this is helpful to you as you navigate the coming months.

Blessings,
SCOTT CROFT

Are You and Your Date Money Compatible?

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 09:08:02 -0600

As you pray about and pursue relationships, consider these three steps to find your match.

Can We Be Friends?: Episode 272

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0600

Can I date my friend's ex?

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 15:32:39 -0600

Thank you for writing. Are you worried that she'll be upset if you start dating this man she once dated? That wouldn't be an uncommon fear on your part, or an uncommon response on hers, but it would be a symptom of a deeper problem and not necessarily reason enough not to date him.

If you do start dating and she were to get upset, I would guess that either she and he acted more married than they should have and their breakup was more like a divorce than a simple decision to not pursue the possibility of marriage anymore, or that she is not a Christian, or not a mature Christian, and is given to envy and jealousy.

Neither of these would be easy to walk through, but on their own, they are not necessarily reason to make the possibility of dating him off limits. That said, simply being attracted to him is not reason to date him, either. What if that first possibility is true and they acted married during that long relationship? Before you jump into a relationship with him, it's important to get to know more about his commitment to Christ, his character and his willingness to relate to you biblically in a dating relationship. Past sin doesn't disqualify him (Romans 3:23), but if he doesn't recognize it as sin, hasn't repented, hasn't determined to act differently going forward, then any number of what appear to be "godly qualities" aren't enough to qualify him for an Ephesians 5 marriage. (This is true of every man you consider dating, not just this one.)

If your friend and this man conducted themselves biblically, however, with all purity (1 Timothy 5:2) even as they tried to determine if they were a good match for one another, and decided in the end that they weren't, there's no reason they should feel tied to one another, or have any sense of ownership or influence over future relationships. If your friend cares for this man and wants what's best for him — and if they had a godly breakup — she should rejoice if the two of you decide to date and possibly marry. That should come as good news to her, even though it may remind her of her own disappointment that she's still waiting for a similarly good match. (That's another area for prayer and patience, and the ability to trust in God's sovereign plan.) It's no reason to begrudge him, though. We're commanded as believers to rejoice with those who rejoice.

The point of Christian dating is to find a suitable spouse. Often relationships that show potential turn out not to be a great fit. Both man and woman should part, wishing the other well in their ongoing search for a spouse, with the goal being a God-honoring marriage.

If there is envy, the issue is sin. The solution is the cross, not avoiding dating the one who will give cause for jealousy. If there is strife, again the issue is sin (James 4:1-2). What may be needed, should this man ask you out on a date and should that date lead to a relationship that in turn leads to a falling out with your friend, is help learning how to walk biblically in friendship.

It's hard to imagine how your really good friend could date a man for a long time without you knowing about it, unless this was before you met her. But assuming it's possible, I'd like to suggest that as long as you don't lead with your attraction, you really don't have anything to worry about until/if he asks you out on a date.

Attraction is an emotional response to someone you like. Through the course of your life, you may find yourself attracted to any number of men, many of whom will have had former girlfriends. Where you let those emotions lead you, or not, has everything to do with your convictions about what makes for a good, and also appropriate, relationship.

You may find yourself one day being a married woman who happens to find her grocer attractive. He's handsome, he's kind, he's close to your age. You think, He's attractive. What that doesn't mean is that you must pursue him for anything other than a cordial buying-and-selling-of-vegetables relationship. You may find your dentist or your pastor or your neighbor attractive in the generic. There are lots of attractive people in the world. It shouldn't come as a surprise: We're made in God's image, and He makes interesting and attractive people.

But as you can see, in most situations, feeling attracted to someone is not reason enough to pursue a relationship with him. In most cases, it's a reminder that we need to continually submit our thoughts to Christ's lordship, taking every thought captive and making it obedient (2 Corinthians 10:5). Temptations to lust and worse are just that. And so we pray, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" (Matthew 6:13). We must pray that God will help us see the avenues of escape He provides (1 Corinthians 10:13) and help us have the want to and the courage to take them.

Just because someone is attractive is not reason enough to pursue a relationship with him. In most seasons of our lives, it's not.

But conversely, just because someone once dated another person doesn't mean you shouldn't pursue a relationship, even if that former girlfriend is one of your friends.

May God guide your convictions.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

The Fast Track to Marriage: Episode 271

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0600

How to Fight Well

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 15:38:15 -0600

Fighting in a godly way creates space for the next conflict to be successful.

Is it possible to get engaged too soon?

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:41:05 -0600

Good question. So, bottom line, when you put your question the way that you have ("Is it possible to get engaged too soon?"), the answer has to be "yes, it's possible." That said, there's no magic formula (i.e., one month is always too short and six months is always fine), and people can (and often should) get married based on less information than many people think they need. A really common misconception among even evangelical Christian singles these days is that before a couple commits to engagement, much less marriage, they have to either "play married" for a time in the form of a really emotionally and physically intimate relationship, or they have to know every little thing about one another's personalities, or both. As I've written before, such "faux-marriages" are not only unnecessary, but sinful (especially in the premature physical and emotional intimacy that is almost always involved).

It's also true, as a practical matter, that no matter how long a couple dates or how much they know about each other, they will undoubtedly discover things about one another once they get married — both good and bad — that they did not know before. Such is the wonderful adventure of marriage in God's kind providence to men and women.

All that said, it's clearly not wise to make a life-long commitment based on no information, so where's the line? What should a wise, responsible, biblically-minded couple be thinking, evaluating and doing before they get married after knowing each other for a short period of time? Here's some advice for couples who are considering marriage in a compressed time-frame:

Make sure, to the very best of your ability, that the person you are considering marrying is a believer in Christ. This is the threshold issue, and no question is more important than this one – not attraction, "chemistry," finances, maturity or anything else. Believers are to marry only believers (see, for example, 1 Corinthians 7:39). For a believer in Christ to forget or disobey this command of God is not only sin, but will set that person up for a marriage full of discouragement and heartache.

Make sure you are basing a decision to marry on the right things. In the context of a very short runway to marriage, it is even more important than normal that each person look to more than attraction, chemistry and connection — all of which are probably very high or we wouldn't be talking about a very short runway to marriage — in making a decision. Look at Scripture to see what God values in biblical manhood and womanhood — and in husbands and wives in particular — as you make your decision.

Ladies, look at Ephesians 5, 1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 and other passages to evaluate your potential husband. Guys, look to Ephesians 5, Proverbs 31, Titus 2, 1 Peter 3 and other passages as you think about a particular woman as a potential wife.

Make sure you have basic agreement on major theological issues. The fact that a dating relationship lasts a short time does not change the fact that the two members of a marriage will need to be comfortable being married to each other and attending the same church for a very long time. At a minimum, a couple should talk through the doctrines of grace (are both or neither of you "reformed" in your theology), baptism, and your respective notions of marriage and biblical manhood and womanhood (are both or neither of you "complementarian" or "egalitarian" regarding family and church roles). Putting in this work now will mean a more harmonious and God-glorifying marriage later.

Seek counsel and accountability from other believers. This is crucial to making a wise choice in a short time that is based on more than one-on-one interactions and infatuation. What do older, wiser Christians you trust think of your potential spouse or the match between the two of you? What do his or her mentors think of you? How does he or she speak and act around others? How do the two of you interact when it's not just the two of you? How does he or she minister in the church? What's his or her reputation? Get the thoughtful, more detached view of other Christians, and make sure older, married people are in the mix rather than just your single friends. Especially in this context, defensiveness and isolated decisions are a recipe for sin, regret and strife.

Live in the same city for at least a short time. This one is more practical than biblical. Basically, living in the same area (and hopefully attending the same church) is a good idea because it facilitates everything else on this list. To be clear, there's nothing inherently unbiblical about the combination of a short- and long-distance relationship (that's actually better in terms of premature intimacy than a very long dating relationship from any distance), but it can also be unwise and dangerous in that it makes gaining necessary knowledge about a potential spouse more difficult and makes a couple more vulnerable to a decision based only on their one-on-one interactions and attraction.

There's a lot more to be said on this, but the above list should provide a basic framework to work with. As you can see, all this advice is interrelated and involves steps every couple should be taking; they're just a little harder and more important when the time of the relationship is compressed.

I leave it to you and others to counsel your friend in her particular situation in light of all this. I will pray for the Lord to give you wisdom.

Blessings,
SCOTT CROFT

Persistent Pain: Episode 270

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:00:00 -0600

The Heart of Purity

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 13:07:26 -0600

There is a path forward for those who have been sexually active, and it takes us through the very heart of the Gospel.

Picking a Solid Spouse: Episode 269

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0600

I want a husband, but no sex. Is that possible?

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:33:59 -0600

My dear friend, thank you for writing. Your question is extremely unusual — most of the unmarried readers of Boundless can't wait to get married so they can have biblically authorized sex within marriage — but it's only unusual in its extremeness. Every Christian married couple faces the desire, often or occasionally, to withhold sex from his or her spouse. That's why Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 7:3-5,

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

The Corinthians were asking Paul about abstinence in marriage, assuming it was more spiritual to forego sex. But Paul urged them to do just the opposite (in marriage).

The 1662 Book of Common Prayer explained the purposes of marriage like this:

First, It was ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name.

Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication; that such persons as have not the gift of continency might marry, and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ's body.

Thirdly, It was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can show any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter forever hold his peace.

Sex is an essential part of God's good design for marriage (Genesis 2:18-25). It provides the opportunity for much pleasure, as well as the possible miracle of creating new life. But even more, sex is His means for uniting husband and wife uniquely. That's why, in the words of Gary Thomas, Satan is so intent on getting people to have as much sex as possible outside marriage and as little sex as possible within it. It's the physical picture of a spiritual reality: the one-flesh union.

'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:31-32).

Your desire for a companion, as well as for a father for adopted children, are both noble goals. But they are incomplete. The problem is that you want only those two goods of marriage, to the exclusion of the others: procreation and sexual intimacy. The goods of marriage are not meant to be separated. They are all of a piece. One or two without the others diminishes them all.

Please note that purposely choosing some of the goods of marriage and not others is not the same as being infertile and unable to bear biological children, nor is it the same as being unable to have sex because of injury or illness. What you're asking about is different. Couples in those situations are facing very real evidence of the fall and the brokenness of living in a Genesis 3 world. They long to bear children; they grieve their physical limitations. They know all too well the effects of the curse. What you're asking about is taking on elements of brokenness because that is the way you prefer it.

You say you want to raise children in a Christian lifestyle. By that I presume you mean in a home with a married mom and dad. That's good. But it's not enough. A marriage that refuses sexual intimacy, and the blessing of any biological children that may result from that union, is not consistent with the Christian definition of marriage. It's not marriage as the Bible reveals it to be — the way God created it.

Marriage requires giving the self wholly to another. And it's risky. When a Christian man takes a wife, he is saying he will spend himself to protect her and provide for her, and any children the Lord blesses them with, for as long as he lives. When a Christian woman unites herself in marriage to a husband, she is saying she will follow his lead and help him advance his leadership, to the glory of God. It is not for the spiritually weak or fearful. That's as true in the bedroom as it is in the family room. But in Christ, we have great hope. He conquered fear and death on the cross. If you trust Him, you are raised to life and set free from fear.

My advice to you regarding marriage is wait. Rather than trying to find a husband now who will agree to your limited terms, it would be far better to talk with your pastor about your fears and ask him to pray with you and help you understand God's design for marriage and work toward that with the support of a loving church body.

My advice regarding orphans is help. There's no reason you can't support adoption now, even though you're not yet in a position to adopt. I can think of three families in our community who are fostering to adopt (and I suspect there are many more) who would benefit greatly from the help of a Christian single woman who's willing to serve. You could support families like these with your time, your affection and your resources. Every mom of young children has more laundry than she can ever hope to finish. There are meals to be made, appointments to be met, and little ones who would be glad to have someone there to read them stories. Ask the Lord to show you needs around you in your church and your community. Start serving others who are doing what you hope to do someday. It's a great way to prepare for what the Lord may yet do in your life.

Psalm 68:6 says, "God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land" (ESV). The NIV version of that verse says, "God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."

I pray the Lord will greatly encourage you, and whether through marriage or through membership in the family of God, you will be fruitful in the work of family.

Sincerely,
CANDICE WATTERS

* * *

Editor's note: Boundless also recommends getting appropriate counseling to get healthy and deal with any past emotions, abuse or other contributing factors to your fear. (See Focus on the Family’s list of recommended counselors.)

If he's not my picture-perfect guy, should we still marry?

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 12:15:25 -0600

Thanks for your question; there's a lot packed into it. Several years ago I wrote an article here on Boundless called "Brother, You're Like a Six." I know, weird title — but it addresses some of your concerns more fully than I can here. Having said that, let me offer you some biblical and (hopefully) helpful thoughts as you wrestle through these questions.

Let me start with the bottom line and build out from there (and do forgive me for being a little blunt here): If your only hesitation about marrying this guy is some aspect of his physical appearance, and that alone keeps you from moving forward in the relationship, then you have veered into personally and spiritually immature and unbiblical thinking in your approach to finding a husband.

Now, I am not about to argue that physical attraction (and its close cousin, the mysterious "chemistry" as defined by the "Twilight" series and other movies) plays no role in finding a spouse. We all know it does, and the Bible acknowledges and affirms that as well (see Song of Songs). What I am saying is that the world's notion of attraction and chemistry cannot be the foundation — the first and most important and deal-making or breaking consideration — in a biblical relationship or marriage.

Why not? What's wrong with letting physical attraction drive the ship when considering a spouse?

First, and most importantly, such an approach is profoundly unbiblical in the sense that its priorities are the opposite of Scripture's (which is to say God's) priorities. When the Bible talks about what should be valued and sought after in men and women — and in husbands and wives in particular — it always talks about godliness, the fruit of the Spirit and character. Never looks or appearance, which the Bible speaks of as deceptive and shallow.

Ephesians 5 gives us the main qualifications (in God's eyes) for husbands: It's basically to love well, lead faithfully and sacrifice yourself for your wife's spiritual good. Nothing about appearance at all. If you look at the qualifications for elders in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 — the other passages that present a basic blueprint for manhood as approved by God — you will see everything about godliness and character and nothing about penetrating blue eyes or a strong jawline or a six-pack. And remember when Samuel gathers David's brothers to see which the Lord will anoint as the next king? Samuel looks at David's tall, attractive brother Eliab and says, based on his appearance, "This must be the guy." How does God respond? "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).

It's the same for women. In 1 Peter 3, Peter instructs wives, "Do not let your adorning [also translated "beauty"] be external ... but let your adorning (beauty) be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." Proverbs 31, in describing the excellent wife, provides 20 verses about her godliness and character, then for good measure throws in verse 30: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" (emphasis mine). You can also check out Ephesians 5 and Titus 2 for more discussion about what God prizes in a godly womanhood — especially in the context of marriage.

As Christians, it's our job to value what God values and to measure our desires against God's desires as laid out in Scripture. Choosing (or rejecting) a spouse by physical appearance fails that standard.

Second, making a marriage decision based on the way someone looks to us is a wholly selfish (or at least self-centered) concern, and "selfish" is exactly the opposite of the way the Bible pictures love or marriage. First Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love "does not insist on its own way" (also translated "is not self-seeking"). Numerous other passages in Scripture paint love not as mere sentiment, but as active and selfless and effective, most clearly exemplified in the love of Christ for His people (John 15:13).

As for marriage, Ephesians 5:22-33 makes clear that it is anything but a selfish endeavor. On the contrary, marriage is the most intimate, longest-lasting, deepest exercise in service and ministry to another that most of us ever undertake. When we use language like "settling" (meaning I may not be getting a good enough prize) or "is he/she the one" (for me) or end a relationship based on a non-biblical "list" of physical attributes we have in our mind, then we are taking a self-centered approach to finding someone to serve and minister to for the next 50 years. It just doesn't make sense.

Third, as a practical matter, basing a marriage decision on physical appearance is short-sighted. Physical beauty as the world understands it fades in 100 percent of people – sometimes much more quickly than we thought it would. Two people who marry one another based on physical appearance instead of biblical criteria will literally see the foundation of their relationship fade and weaken as they watch.

Finally, this approach is just unkind. I cannot tell you how many heartbroken in-person and email conversations I have had with godly men and women who either lost relationships or have never had a chance to be in one because they do not embody Hollywood’s fleeting notion of what is physically attractive. None of us would want to be treated that way, and while anyone is certainly free to make a choice not to marry a particular person, not all reasons for making that choice are created equal.

So, bottom line, I think the answer to your question is in your question. It appears that you have a godly man who is devoted to you, wants to marry you, and whose "heart of gold," "personality" and "never-failing love for God" you are already in love with. Sounds like a good foundation to me.

Blessings,
SCOTT CROFT

Firing Your Friends: Episode 268

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 -0600

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