Perry, of course, recently announced her divorce from British actor and comedian Russell Brand after just 14 months of marriage. And as she marched through her new hit with venomous gusto at the Grammys, her pain and contempt for him seemed evident when she hurled accusations such as, “'Cause you chewed me up/And spit me out/Like I was poison in your mouth,” and “Throw your sticks and your stones/Throw your bombs and your blows/But you're not gonna break my soul.”

Then there was this zinger, which prompted Rolling Stone to label the new song “The Official Katy Perry Divorce Anthem”: “You can keep the diamond ring/I never liked him anyway/In fact you can keep everything, yeah, yeah/Except for me.”

Ouch. 

Now, I personally don’t look to celebrity marriages as models of stability. I don’t think many of us probably expected a marriage between these two famously volatile performers to go the distance. Still, and maybe this is the romantic in me, I was kind of hoping maybe Katy and Russell would prove the naysayers wrong. Because of that, I couldn’t help but wince as I pondered this high-profile celebrity couple’s publicly shattered union. And I wonder if there might be a lesson, albeit a cautionary one, buried in that sad outcome.

The days leading up to Russell and Katy's marriage brimmed with reports of their infatuatory bliss and how thrilled they each were to have found their soul mates. Once they were married, Brand talked candidly about how he had traded in his dissolute ways — porn addiction, promiscuity — for a real relationship with a woman he loved. His confessions seemed earnest and genuine, as much as one can measure such things, and I actually found myself hoping that his growing maturity was the genuine article.

Even as late as December, Brand was still denying fast-flying rumors that there was trouble in his marriage. He told Ellen DeGeneres, for instance, "I'm married to Katy. Perpetually, until death do us part was the pledge." A month later, the pledge was sundered: "Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," Brand's press release said. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends."

Or maybe not. With his ex spitting lyrics like, "You can keep the diamond ring/I never liked him anyway," bitterness and recrimination, not ongoing mutual admiration, seem a more likely legacy.

The thing that strikes me most about Katy and Russell's story is how quickly it swung — in public, anyway — from one extreme to the other. One day everything was sweet, fulfilling and terribly romantic. The next day, metaphorically speaking, it was simply terrible, with the once-happy couple splitting over "irreconcilable differences" and hurling nasty insults. It's enough to give you whiplash.

There are a couple of things worth noticing here.

The first has to do with our expectations regarding marriage. Most couples go through a season of deep, soul-tingling thrill that they have finally found "the one." It's an incredible, intense, deeply satisfying time as you begin to step into the fulfillment of long-cherished hopes and dreams.

At some point after stepping across the matrimonial threshold, though, the intensity of those feelings quietly begins to yield to the more mundane rhythms of life together, day in and day out, year in and year out. You learn about yourself and about your spouse. Conflict may creep in here and there. Dishes need done. Diapers need changed. And the lifelong task of building a marriage commences in earnest. I suspect most married couples, if they're telling the truth, have at some point had to reckon with a shock when there's a disappointment or some unexpected discovery: "I didn't know it was going to be like this."

So I have to wonder, given the whiplash nature of Katy and Russell's relationship, if they even began to make that transition before plunging from wedded bliss into irreconcilable differences. Because most of the time, marriage exists somewhere between those two extremes.

And that brings me to the second lesson in this cautionary tale. When we do hit those inevitable bumps in the marital road, sometimes we need outside help. Lots of rumors have flown regarding the reasons for this couple's split, none of which matter for our purposes. What matters is that Russell and Katy apparently didn't have anyone to help them navigate the potholes they faced, obstacles that cratered their marital union almost as soon as it began.

If we hope to live faithfully with our beloved, then, we'd do well to cultivate healthy expectations about the daily realities of marriage. We'd also do to cultivate relationships with friends and mentors who can help us successfully navigate the challenges we will face ... instead of simply yielding to "irreconcilable differences."

Have you ever been in a conversation that was heading downhill fast? Have you thought that no matter how many times you try to explain yourself, your words are making more enemies than friends? Have your anecdotes and arguments been twisted beyond recognition by those seeking to discredit you completely? Or maybe you've been given a platform to speak on an important issue, and you bombed. Utterly and terribly. You want a do-over, but wonder if it will ever come.

If you answered "yes" to any of the above, this show is for you. This week we'll talk about saying the right things in the right way. We'll discuss the value of truth, but also the value of timing and tone. And we'll hear first-hand about what happens when a main-stage communicator fails and is left to pick up the pieces. Lots of great wisdom here, so enjoy the show.

Firm, Yet Kind -- 00:00

Is it possible to speak the truth without being boring, alienating or abrasive? Who better to ask than our team from the Focus Leadership Institute? Each semester they train a group of college students from around the world in everything from worldview to family issues to leadership strategies. They hear stories of truth in action from campuses where taking a stand for the Gospel can be intimidating if not downright terrifying. Learn from our panel what it means to speak for righteousness in a winsome way that attracts rather than repels.

Window on the White House, Part One -- 28:49

Tim Goeglein held an important position in President George W. Bush's administration. As Bush's special liaison to the evangelical world, Tim's connections and insight helped form key alliances and bold initiatives. But Tim's world came crashing down one morning when he received an email exposing him at the center of a plagiarism scandal. He expected his time in the White House to end; what he didn't expect was the grace he received from unlikely places. Tim tells it all here, plus other Beltway insider stories from his book The Man in the Middle that showcase the value of humble orthodoxy even in the halls of prestige and power. Part one of two.    

I'm Not "Anti-Gay" -- 54:47

She doesn't hate homosexuals, so how come every time she explains a biblical perspective on same-sex marriage, she's labeled as "anti-gay"? Glenn Stanton answers this week's Inbox with a few ideas for talking about the issue without getting sidelined by the rhetoric.

This week's music is from indie artist Dan Smith's album, The Revive Project.

Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. (2 Corinthians 11:24-27)

Most of us have not and will not experience suffering to that extent, but we will certainly go through trials in our lives. Whether it's our health, relationships or finances, there are times in all our lives when we simply can’t avoid pain. How do we handle these difficulties? Where do we turn when our world falls apart?

Thankfully, Paul models the answer through his ministry to the churches.  Paul wrote to the Corinthians, “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

Yes, the same man who endured the list of trials above described suffering in this life as a “light, momentary affliction.” When I’m going through hard times, I’m not sure I naturally choose words like light and momentary. How can Paul describe a lifetime of hardship as momentary? I think we get a clue in something he wrote to the church in Rome, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (8:18).

The reason Paul could experience so many trials and difficulties and not give up on his mission (or his God) was he had a deep understanding of eternal reality. Paul understood how short this life is and how very long life in heaven will be. This was so real to him that it affected the way he lived. If affected the way he chased and obeyed God’s call on his life and it affected the way he processed each and every difficulty that came along.

Regardless of what came, Paul had eternity stamped on his heart. And as far as I can tell from his writings, he never lost this perspective. I don’t know what you’ve been going through. Perhaps you’ve been going through a season of discouragement and suffering. If so, hear the words of Paul. Consider the weight of glory that is yours. Study and think deeply about all that waits for you in heaven. Ask God to increase and deepen your faith in the coming world of ever-increasing love and joy. It may not take the sting away, but it will help you endure knowing there is a day coming when all stings will be cast away once and for all.

As Samuel Rutherford once wrote a suffering member of his church, “When we shall come home, and enter into the possession of our Brother's fair kingdom, and when our heads shall find the weight of the eternal crown of glory, then we shall look back to pains and sufferings and then we will see life and sorrow to be less than one step or stride from a prison to glory. Our little inch of time-suffering is not worthy of our first night's welcome-home to heaven.”

Let us look to the God of all comfort in our dark moments and never forget we will soon trade in our light, momentary afflictions for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.

Now I would like to insert a disclaimer here: I am a firm believer in happy mediums — everything in moderation. I do not believe in enabling people in their weaknesses, immaturity or in total dependency. However, we should have a good social support system. To have and be a social support to each other, we have to be each others’ strength until we’re ready to do it on our own and be unleashed to be someone else’s social support.

So I came to Focus Leadership Institute questioning how we are supposed to approach independence. In class last week, we talked about this idea of God creating us for relationship with one another. We talked about how we tend to have a mindset that God is all we need; it’s everywhere in the songs we sing — even in some of my favorites, saying, “All I need is You, Lord,” for example. And it’s definitely true that if we don’t have God and give Him all of us, He isn’t Lord of our lives, and everything else is next to pointless. However, is it true that He is really all we need and that’s how He wants us to think?

In the Bible’s story of creation, we see Him say repeatedly, “It was good, it was good, it was good, it was very good” etc. The first “It was not good” came in here: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

The man, Adam, who was able to walk and talk with God in ways we can’t fathom, was alone in a way that God himself acknowledged was not good for him. You see, the nature of God gives rise to how all things function, and the nature of God is this: He is the Triune God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) and is in perfect relationship, community and oneness with himself, as funny as that sounds. We were created in their image together (Genesis 1:26). Therefore, we are designed to participate in and enjoy oneness and intimacy with each other.

Our Christian culture has bought into the lie that the only thing we need is God when we were created not only vertically (to be in relationship with God), but also horizontally (to be in relationship with others). Marriage is one of the ways this relationship occurs, but it is also supposed to take place within the church (John 17:20-23).

Maybe we should be a little more hesitant when we throw out “God is all I need.” Is He really? Was that truly His original intent? My dad told me something once that I believe applies to more than just the parent-child relationship: “Anna, you can do this alone, but you don’t have to; that’s why God gave you us.”

That’s not the sort of things Christians should say lightly. God’s Word is very clear on the broad principle that we are to obey government: He has instituted it to maintain civil order, regardless of whether we like it or whether it’s run by believers, much less whether it’s democratic (e.g., Romans 13:1-7, 1 Peter 2:13-17). But He is also clear that there are times when to obey men is to disobey God, and in those cases, there’s no question which authority we should follow. Those times include when we’re told not to speak the Gospel (Acts 5:27-29) or to actively participate in evil: Scripture praises the midwives who defied Pharoah to protect Moses (Exodus 1:17-21). There can even be times that call for more extreme actions: The prostitute Rahab, who sheltered Hebrew spies and thus helped to overthrow her government (Joshua 2), is hailed for it among the heroes of the faith (Hebrews 11:31).

We’re not given a detailed manifesto cataloging the exceptions to the rule, and I won’t attempt to produce one here. But this is a question Christians — thinking seriously and biblically — must wrestle with: When should we resort to disobeying the government?

Discuss!

My parents were married back in the 70s, and they lived in small-town South Dakota their first couple of years. Although they faced a couple of remarks from people, it was very minimal, and the majority of their time together was not marred by prejudice. Anyone who had been hesitant about their marriage quickly got over it once they got to know my mom and dad together (which is what usually happens when people actually get to know one another instead of pre-judging).

Personally, I have never struggled with feeling "out of place" as a bi-racial girl. I define myself much more by my faith, personality and interests than I do the color of my skin. I have never been mistreated or left out because of my race. In fact, the one time in my life I truly felt discriminated against was when I had a friend who wanted to date someone outside of her race and her parents insisted that if they got married and had children, their kids would experience suffering and hardship because they would be so shunned. That had not been my experience, so I thought it was unfair for them to generalize how I felt as a bi-racial person.

When it comes to dating, race has never been an issue for me. Who I date basically tends to be based on the people I'm around. When I was in high school in the inner-city, I dated black guys. In college and out here in Colorado, I've dated mostly white guys. Faith, common interests, humor, intelligence, etc. are the things that are ultimately attractive and long-lasting, so to me it makes sense to focus on those things much more than any kind of "preference" when it comes to skin color.

I am not sure if this is the case for everyone, though. Some online dating sites let you choose races you are willing to be matched with, and it still seems fairly rare to see happy interracial couples portrayed on television. Because of this, I am always glad when dating sites automatically match people with everyone, or when I see television shows that portray interracial relationships without dwelling on the race difference (Parenthood, Happy Endings, Friday Night Lights).

Honestly, I think if more diverse people married and created a "melting pot" of children, some of the race issues that still do plague our country would begin to fade away. If our churches were truly more united and diverse (which, when you read Ephesians, you see that this is Paul's true heart for the church), it would be a beautiful picture of what Jesus did when He came and expanded God's covenant of salvation to all people. If we as Christians were more willing to experience and interact with cultures outside our own, we might see how colorful and beautiful the body of Christ can be.

So, what do you think? Have you dated outside of your race or do you prefer not to? Why or why not?

In the broader culture, sex-related issues and questions frequently dominate the news cycle and are at the heart of some of our society’s fiercest debates right now. Just last week, for instance, I saw an article about how Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania has begun stocking morning after pills for its students … in a vending machine. And perhaps most explosive is our culture’s rapidly shifting views when it comes to homosexuality and the meaning of marriage.

My wife works at a Presbyterian church, and one of the subjects we spend a great deal of time talking about is sex-related issues, specifically how they impact our ability to engage those outside the fold. Increasingly, it seems as if the gulf between mainstream culture and an orthodox, biblical perspective on the purpose and place of sex is getting bigger.

In our ongoing conversation about this subject over the last couple of years, I think we’ve been able to distill the difference between a Christian understanding of sexuality and where our society is at into two straightforward questions  —  questions I hope might have the ability to open conversational doors when you’re talking with friends who don’t share a Christian worldview.  

These two questions are as simple as they are profound: What is the purpose of sex? And who gets to decide?

Obviously, one could write a dissertation about the first question from a Christian perspective. That said, I think we can quickly make three overarching observations about the purpose and meaning of sex based on what we see in the creation narrative in Genesis.

In Genesis 1:26-28, we read: “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness. … So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it.’” And at the end of the lengthier description of God’s creation of Adam and Eve in Genesis 2, we find this concluding statement about the spiritual ramifications of sex in marriage: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (v.24).  

So here are those three observations I promised: God designed sex to be a unifying, beautiful reality in a permanent, marital relationship between a man and woman. The fruit of that union is new life. And in the oneness a man and woman share in marriage, God’s image is somehow, mysteriously, wondrously reflected.

Those are the primary purposes of sex. And God, not us, is the One who has laid down those boundary stones. Sex is a privilege and a gift to be received within a specific context, not a right to be demanded.  

Our non-Christian culture, meanwhile, offers radically different answers to the two questions I asked above. The primary purpose of sex is self-focused: It’s something that’s supposed to make us feel good. And it’s the individual, not anyone else, who gets to decide where and how and with whom that sexual expression takes place. The autonomous, radically individual self has become the authority here, subverting and replacing God’s revealed design and intent. In fact, to suggest that any individual should have to submit or subject his or her desires to any external authority is anathema to our culture, a ridiculous message that’s utterly foreign to those who’ve not been shaped by an orthodox Christian worldview.

I like these two questions — What is the purpose of sex? Who gets to decide? — because I believe they offer a way, potentially, to talk constructively about the sensitive subject of sex with those who are coming from a different point of view. Instead of just saying, “This is what the Bible says, and I believe it,” I think these questions can help us frame the conversation in a way that might actually help others understand a bit better where we’re coming from, as well as prodding them to think about what convictions shape their own attitudes toward sexual choices and expressions.

One thing is for sure: Sex isn’t going anywhere in our culture. And as Christians who hope to be salt and light in a dark and dying world, I think we’re going to have to get better at engaging thoughtfully on difficult issues such as this one.  

We started building a friendship, and at the beginning of my second semester, I began to attend the same church and small group as John. I also started realizing that I was attracted to his faith, intelligence and kindness. I found out not long after that John had begun dating a young woman. It was not my favorite bit of information to hear at the time. Even still, John was inviting me to be part of campus activities and ministries that he was involved in; I was confused.

I spent much time in prayer because I didn’t know how to deal with the situation: I liked him, and he was in a relationship, but we still spent a lot of time together in various activities. God helped me to see John as an older brother in Christ who could teach me a lot, which he did.

At the beginning of April, John's girlfriend broke up with him. Much to my surprise, John came to me to talk about the breakup and all that was going on. I prayed a lot harder than before! I didn’t want to be a rebound, and I didn’t want my feelings for him to impede on the friendship and the trust that he was showing me. So God and I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t tell John that I liked him until he moved away (he was moving 1,000 miles away to attend law school) and that if he were to ask me out, I couldn’t say yes until it had been six months after the breakup had occurred.

During those months, I spent a lot of time listening to a series of sermons on Ruth, and I read a lot of Boundless. My sister-in-law and my brother were very helpful at this time, as my brother had coffee with John to find out where he was at with our friendship. John explained to my brother that nothing was in the works. He had been training himself to see me as only a sister, because he was about to move away.
When John moved away to law school, I wrote him a letter expressing that I had liked him for a number of months. After he received it, he spent time in prayer and in Scripture, and he told me that while very flattered, and though he did like me, he didn’t see anything working itself out between us.

About two weeks later, a new friend from his church sat down with John and challenged him about me. John spent time in prayer and realized that the reasons he was not dating me were, in his words, “stupid reasons.” He asked me for permission to pursue me. It would be a long-distance relationship and one with very little time together. We decided that with the friendship we had, what we knew about each other’s walks with God, and what we knew about our sins and strengths, it was something worth trying. We didn’t have our first real date until two and a half months after our relationship began.

We said goodbye after that for what would be nearly two months. We saw each other again for spring break, Easter, for my brother’s wedding and three months after that when I flew out for my fall break.

The day after I arrived, John and I took the earliest bus we could to a park on the coast. After waking up a bit more, John took out his guitar, and we had a time of worship while watching the sky brighten over the ocean. After prayer and the sense of peace in the stillness of the morning, John returned from placing his guitar in its case. On his lips were the words, “Sam, I have something I want to share with you.”

He pulled out the Christmas gift I had given him the year before: his family crest on a stamp (for making wax seals). I knew that this was his indication that he wanted to share his name with me and make me his family. After he saw my astonished face, he got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him. I squealed, “Yes! Of course!” and gave him a huge hug. We prayed again, and after taking some pictures, we watched the rest of the glorious sunrise that God had prepared for the day. I had known that John was going to propose that morning, yet he still took my breath away, and it was a more beautiful experience than I imagined.

God has proven himself sovereign and faithful to us over and over. We pray that we can live that out as we prepare for our coming wedding on July 27 and as we live in covenant together for the rest of our lives. Thank you, Boundless, for the wise advice you give as well as for helping another couple out of the friend-zone.

 Bisutti told reporters,

But the more I was modeling lingerie — and lingerie isn’t clothing — I just started becoming more uncomfortable with it because of my faith. I’m Christian, and reading the Bible more, I was becoming more convicted about it.

Kylie’s experience should be universal to all true followers of Christ. When we trust Christ for salvation, our faith results in real changes in our lives. While that change may not always be instantaneous, our lives should demonstrate steady growth in our obedience to Christ. The Bible calls that change in behavioral trajectory — from disobedience to obedience — repentance.

Too many of us don’t expect our faith to really change our behaviors. But this was always the expectation in the Bible. John the Baptist came preaching and baptizing people for repentance from sins in preparation for Christ’s earthly ministry (Matthew 3:1-2). Jesus himself began His ministry saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matthew 4:17). Later, Jesus' disciples would consistently call people to repentance as part of coming to saving faith.

Paul once testified, “Therefore, O King Agrippa, I was not disobedient to the heavenly vision, but declared first to those in Damascus, then in Jerusalem and throughout all the region of Judea, and also to the Gentiles, that they should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance” (Acts 26:19-20). He would later write to the church in Rome, “God’s mercy is meant to lead us to repentance” (Romans 2:4).

Today, when many talk about the moment they started following Christ, they’ll often say, “I got saved,” “I trusted in Christ,” “I prayed the sinner’s prayer,” or “I put my faith in Jesus.” But they rarely talk about the repentance that should always enjoin salvation.

Now, I’m not saying that we are saved by our works, but I am saying that saving faith will always include a turn from sin. We should all experience times when we turn from sin and toward righteousness. When Christ returns and judges our lives, He will look at what we did as evidence of true, saving faith (Matthew 16:27). This is why James wrote that faith without works is dead (2:17).

So I praise God when I hear about brothers and sisters working out their faith. Kylie Bisutti had a lot to lose: money, fame and even comfort. And yet she chose to follow Christ: “I have decided not to model lingerie because I personally feel that I am not honoring God…” Well done, Kylie. Well done in turning your life over to Christ. Well done in reading God’s Word. Well done in obeying God’s Word. Your act of repentance is an example for us all.

Some of them are mildly associated with greater divorce risk, while others are dramatically associated. It is important to note that having such factors in one’s life is not destiny! Many, many couples overcome the increased likelihoods associated with these factors every day. My wife and I did in terms of age of marriage, education and income. We had everything against us on those measures. But we beat the odds. Again, these are not destiny.

The greatest factor helping a couple succeed is their determination to make their marriage work is having friends and family around them who cheer them on and offer help when things seem dark. These factors are not a death notice, but can serve as a rucksack full of rocks on the back of a couple, or simply ankle weights, making their journey toward marital longevity, not impossible, but certainly more difficult. And marriage is sometimes hard enough by itself without the added weight these various factors can bring to a husband and wife.

So let’s explore the most important factors contributing to increased risk of divorce.

Cohabitation: Individuals who live together outside of marriage are from 50 to 80 percent more likely to divorce if they do marry than their non-cohabiting peers. And individuals, who cohabit more than once, face double the risk of divorce compared with those who only cohabit once. In fact, Professor Jay Teachman explains that one of the most “robust predictors of marital dissolution that has appeared in the literature” is cohabitation itself, making living together actually one of the worst things you can do for your marriage, rather than something to help it. [1]

Premarital Sexuality: Experiencing a premarital sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse is also associated in many studies with increased risk of divorce. An early study explained that “women who are sexually active prior to marriage faced considerably higher risk of marital disruption than women who were virgin brides.” And this is especially true for those who engage sexually in their teen years, with greater than double the risk of those who marry as virgins.[2] Likewise, premarital birth has a dramatic effect on marital durability.

Age at Marriage: Research consistently shows that age at marriage plays an important role in marital stability. So what's the optimal age for marriage? Generally, marrying older than 18 years of age is associated with a 24 percent reduction in risk of divorce in the first 10 years of marriage. One of the leading scholars on this topic, Norval Glenn from the University of Texas, explained in a recent published study, drawing from five different American data sets,

“The greatest…likelihood of being in an intact marriage of the highest quality is among those who married at age 22-25.”[3]

He further explains that waiting longer doesn’t improve one’s chances of avoiding divorce,

“The findings of this study do indicate that for most persons, little or nothing in the way of marital success is likely to be gained by deliberately delaying marriage beyond the mid-twenties.”[4]

W. Bradford Wilcox (U of Virginia) concurs with these two findings from his own analysis of the National Survey of Family Growth data, explaining, “Couples who marry in their mid-twenties tend to do best, when you combine a consideration of quality and stability.”[5] Wilcox adds though, “But I think couples can marry somewhat earlier than this if they are embedded in a supportive church community that gives them direction, support and healthy role models.”

Dr. Mark Regnerus (UT, Austin), who wrote the popular cover story for Christianity Today (August 2009), “The Case for Early Marriage,” jokingly encourages that marrying after “you’re 80 is probably the best way to guarantee that you’ll stay married the rest of your life!”[6]

Regnerus says he would push the age-number a bit lower than other sociologists “to 22’ish, because the data suggests it’s not a major risk of divorce over the next 10 years.” And “earlier” marriage in the 22-age window increases the likelihood of couples marrying as virgins, which is an important factor in marital stability and happiness, as we just saw.

Education: It is consistently shown that better educated individuals are more likely to enjoy greater marital success. Professor Timothy Heaton explains, “Marriages are more stable if the husband is older or more educated, but not if the wife is older or more educated.”[7] This increased education would include high school graduation and some college, which can reduce a couple’s divorce risk by up to 25 percent.[8]

Income: Clearly having money makes the struggles of life a bit easier. And couples that have a household income higher than $25,000 can benefit from up to a 30 percent decrease in divorce risk in the first 10 years of marriage.[9]

Divorce History in Family of Origin: Couples who come from intact families gain a 14 percent reduction in divorce risk compared to their peers who have any divorce history among either set of parents.[10]

Religious Faith: A couple sharing a serious commitment to a religious faith has a dramatic effect on marital health and longevity. They are also more likely to have happier marriages, face lower likelihood of domestic violence. However, a couple having different faith traditions and beliefs tends to increase their divorce risk. This would be very divergent faith, such as Jew and Catholic, rather than a Methodist and Pentecostal marrying.[11]

Conclusion: As the scholars at the National Marriage Project explain from years of careful study, “if you are a reasonably well-educated person [or soon to become one] with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after age 25 without having a baby first [or having cohabited] your chances of divorce are very low indeed.”[12]

But again, remember the primary indicator of marital success is the couple's commitment to and attitude toward marriage. These other factors are not insignificant, but they are not marital destiny either. Couples should consider them as guides or indicators regarding the possibility of greater uphill battle their marriage might experience given the presence of a few of these in your marital story.

And this is the wisdom that social science community has to offer. These are not biblical truths about what contributes to divorce. In this regard, nothing short of infidelity or desertion contributes to divorce. Christ was quite "narrow-minded" on this topic. See Matthew 19:1-12 on this.

[1]  Jay Teachman, “Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation and The Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution Among Women,” Journal of Marriage and Family 65 (2003) 444-455.

[2] Joan R. Kahn and Kathryn A. London, “Premarital Sex and the Risk of Divorce,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53 (1991): 845-855; Edward O. Laumann et al., The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1994), p. 503; Timothy B. Heaton, “Factors Contributing to Increasing Marital Stability in the United States,” Journal of Family Issues, 23 (2002): 392-409; Teachman, 2003, p. 454, Anthony Paik, “Adolescent Sexuality and Risk of Marital Dissolution,” Journal of Marriage and Family 73 (2011): 472-485,

[3] Norval D. Glenn, Jeremy E. Ueker, Robert W.B. Love Jr., “Later First Marriage and Martial Success,” Social Science Research 39 (2010) 787-800, p. 787.

[4] Glenn, et al., 2010, p. 799.

[5] Personal correspondence, 1.26.11

[6] Personal correspondence, 1.27.11

[7] Timothy B. Heaton, “Factors Contributing to Increasing Marital Stability in the United States” Journal of Family Issues, 23 (2002): 392-409.

[8] W. Bradford Wilcox, The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2011, (Charlottesville, VA: The National Marriage Project, 2011), p. 73.

[9] Wilcox, 2011, p. 73.

[10] Wilcox, 2011, p. 73.

[11] Margaret L. Vaaler, Christopher G. Ellison and Daniel A. Powers, “Religious Influence on the Risk of Marital Dissolution,” Journal of Marriage and Family, 71 (2009): 917-934.

[12] Wilcox, 2011, p. 74.

This time next week Martha and I will be at the RADICAL conference in Louisville, Ky. If you'll be there, too, let us know! We're looking forward to hearing from folks like David Platt, Kevin DeYoung, Dr. Al Mohler and Dr. Russell Moore.

Of course we're also looking forward to seeing our friends Steve and Candice Watters. We'll make sure to catch up with them so we can update you all upon our return. We'll have a booth at the conference, so if you're in the area, stop by and enter to win one of a bunch of great resources we'll be giving away.

I think this will only be my second time in Louisville. For those of you who know the area, is there anything we absolutely shouldn't miss? In the meantime, here's this week's show!

Great Expectations -- 00:00

Are you dreading Valentine's Day? Is it on your Super Lame Holidays list? Are you at a loss as to how to navigate the day whether you're single, dating, married or — heaven forbid — in a relationship that's "complicated"? Check out this week's roundtable where we discuss our expectations (and others') around V-Day and help each other breathe easy in anticipation of it.

Music and Marriage -- 25:35

Michael O'Brien was singing in front of thousands of people, sharing his testimony and giving altar calls, all while battling a losing battle with lust. He'd already tackled a drug addiction, but would he ever be free from the stronghold of sin? This former lead singer of NewSong and now solo artist almost lost his marriage before recognizing his need for a new start. Hear his story in this week's culture segment. 

Can Dating Be Fun? -- 49:50

How should a couple balance having fun while dating with being intentional about seeking marriage? John Thomas tells our listener how to keep her eyes on the prize while celebrating the exhilirating process of being in love.

This week's music is from Michael O'Brien's album, Something About Us.

Example 1: The word God as a teacher; being a student of Dr. So-and-so.

Because we generally think of God as a person — which He is — this example may be the initial idea that came to mind when you read what I thought, but this is not exactly it. Being a person's student has the potential to be superficial. Depending on the teacher, you may learn absolutely nothing about who he is; you simply learn all about the subject being taught. Yes, I want God to teach me things, but that's not what I want most, and that's not all I want.

Example 2: The word God as the subject being taught; being a student of psychology.

Psychology is my major. I thoroughly enjoy it. I want to learn the ins and outs of it. I want to know how it works and why it works. I want to know about the people who have contributed to it and how I can be one of those people — how I can become good at it. I want to personally know experts in the field and understand it beyond the textbooks. I'm passionate about the subject. 

The Bible makes it clear that it’s not enough to just have a desire for God or to feel something emotional for Him. Proverbs 19:2 says, “Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way” (ESV). Paul said in Romans 10:2, “For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge” (NIV), and the NLT calls it “misdirected zeal.” As we learn more about Him, we begin to truly know Him, and our emotions and passion for Him become better directed. In most relationships, it seems that the more we know about someone, the better we really know who he is as a person. Wouldn’t the same be true of knowing our God?

I believe we should cultivate a desire to study and know God in this way — to want to be students of God — then actually do it. To want to study Him. To learn the ins and outs of who He is. To know how He works and why He works. With such a desire, we can learn all about the people who He has used to contribute to His beautiful story and become one of those people. We begin to surround ourselves with, and personally know, others who know Him well. We can better understand Him beyond the words and books about Him. We should desire to be passionate about Him.

And in that respect, I think I’m OK with "student" defining me right now and for it to keep defining this aspect of life. 

What are your thoughts about studying God as a subject rather than only as our teacher?  

I was reminded of that conversation this week when I read Candice Watters' response to a reader who asked if women should be more like Ruth — who put herself out there — or more like Rebekah — who went about her business until God delivered her a husband. (Martha has already wrote an insightful post on this particular question.)

All of this has gotten me thinking again about God's role in our romances and marriages. I've asked before whether God cares about our specific choice of spouse or whether He leaves that totally in our hands. Personally, I believe God is a romantic. Why else would He compare His relationship to us, His church, as a bridegroom and bride? I think we miss out on something (even in the depth of our understanding of God's love for us) when we say romance doesn't matter, that marriage is primarily a pragmatic arrangement.

I also think our belief about God's involvement and sovereignty in this area affects our views on other areas as well. For example, does God care about the specific children I will have? Are they specially selected to be part of our family? Or are they simply a side effect of scientific processes? I want to believe that God knows the children each family will have and has some involvement in uniquely putting together each family unit for His glory. I see evidence of this in my family of origin.

So how much should we model our lives and romantic pursuits after the examples we see in Scripture? Clearly, perfect imitation is not possible given our cultural differences. If you are a single woman, you are most likely not going to visit your love interest at the threshing room floor. If you are a single man, your father will probably not send his servant to check out your potential bride.

While it may be unwise to create detailed relationship theology based on a single biblical account, I think examining the lives of godly individuals and seeing how God participated in their lives can encourage us ... and free us. God works differently in every person's story. He made Eve for Adam. He provided a kinsman redeemer for Ruth. He introduced Abigail to a king. He allowed Esther to win a beauty pageant. He prompted Rebekah to water her future husband's camels. Clearly, God is creative in the ways in which He brings people together. And He honors those who honor Him. Bible stories may not be the be-all and end-all of godly dating and marriage practices, but they do provide some great takeaways we can apply to all areas of life.

But in the last few years, I've realized how God works in so many ways, how He reveals himself to us in ways that we can understand and experience. I first started to realize this when I began digging around the Hebrew roots of Christianity. I learned so much more about the Jewish perspective and how they see God concretely throughout the Scripture — He is a Father, Shepherd, Rock, Shade. I began to understand the wholeness of God's story — all the twists and turns and plot points that were so fascinating to me as a writer.

This weekend I went to an art show put on by one of the students at Denver Seminary. This show was his final project before graduation, a culmination of what he'd learned in his spiritual formation degree program. Each of the attendees received a paper with this student's story on it. The story was told through 10 songs that played while we watched him create an art instillation in front of us. The songs were varied — from the Doxology to Imogen Heap, but the lyrics and the melodies helped portray a variety of experiences and emotions he had been through. We listened to each song, we read about his story, and he created a piece of art in front of us that expressed what God had done in his life. It was messy and confused, dark and light, frightened but redeemed. It was beautiful.

That art show was completely different from how I process things. I would never have thought to express what God had done for me in that way. It's not something that I would ever do, but it was very meaningful for the student and for those of us watching.

I was recently reading in Exodus where God gives Moses instructions for the building of the tabernacle and for all the garments and gold plating and weaving and carving that was to be done. In Exodus 31, God says that He chose Bezalel to make artistic designs, to cut stone and work with wood. Bezalel was filled with the Holy Spirit and given wisdom and understanding specifically for these tasks. All of the workers who would assist him were given skills by God as well. This was fascinating to me because  in the Old Testament, not everyone was filled with the Holy Spirit like all believers are today. The Spirit came upon certain people — usually “big name” people like Saul or David or Elijah for certain times and tasks. And God thought the artistic work of the tabernacle and priestly garments was so important that He sent His Spirit to fill Bezalel so that he could create beauty.

God speaks to us through His Word, through His Spirit, and we express our worship to Him in so many different ways. It may be through analytical thinking, or through storytelling, or through visual art. It may be through song or hospitality or accounting. God can use our skills, our passions, the things that speak to us, for His glory. In fact, He sometimes fills us with His Spirit for that very purpose.

What are some of the ways you've experienced God? How have you used your interests and talents to worship Him and share what He's done in your life?

P.S. I'm having a giveaway over on my blog this week — gift cards, books, etc. You should enter!

But there's more to it than that. When around friends, I'm a completely different social being, without a second thought as to what others are thinking. Why? Because I'm more comfortable, but also because I'm not worried about the impression I'm making. C.S. Lewis perhaps conveys it best. In Mere Christianity, when illustrating how we will never find our new selves in Christ if we don't lose our old selves first (Matthew 16:25), Lewis makes this parallel:

Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring two pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

Lewis uses these musings on the everyday to make a larger point about the spiritual, but even in this small excerpt, there's a lot of truth. How many scenarios can you list where the exact thing you were trying to avoid happened simply because you were self-conscious and trying so hard to avoid it?

Easier said than done, I know, to hear the trite expression, "Just be yourself!" To simply stop worrying about the impression you will make — especially when about to go on a first (or third) date or job interview — is not easily achieved. You should want to make a good impression, no doubt. But how? For me, I think it's best done by speaking with conviction and certainty about what I know to be true and asking plenty of questions about the things I don't; I tend to do the opposite when not consciously thinking about it — never asking enough questions and speaking with conviction about much more than I should. A short prayer ahead of time helps to calm my nerves as well.

But that’s through my eyes, the one trying to make the good impression. What about as the one receiving it? What subtle or not-so-subtle things have people done to leave you with a good impression?