Boundless

No Fear

Amy Seed — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:11:00 GMT

I've been pushed out of my comfort zone several times in the past few days and thrust into things that scare me, like public speaking and opportunities that encourage me to try new things. But when I allow myself to stretch beyond my limits, God works in wondrous ways.

I've learned to say "no" to my fears and let God work because I know those situations will turn into my best stories and my favorite memories: like when I moved to Southern California for college and was the only one from my town to go, and when I flew across the country by myself to study for a semester in Washington, D.C., and completed my first internship. The thing that makes actually doing these things incredible is that I can be a timid person, and I am very much an introvert.

Had I given in to fear and stayed within my comfort zone, I would have missed out on many positive, life-changing experiences. Fear is not our conscience talking. It doesn't always imply that what we're about to dive into is something we'll regret. More often than not, it's Satan trying to hinder God's plan and keep us from His blessings.

It's interesting when someone who believes in you more than you feel like you believe in yourself, presents you with an opportunity. Someone presented me with an opportunity the other day and told me that when we limit ourselves to what we think we can and cannot do, we also limit God.

We must not limit God by limiting ourselves. He makes all things possible, and when Christ is in us, we are unstoppable warriors set out to conquer the tasks He calls us to do.

There is a passage in Scripture I read for inspiration when I know God is calling me to do something that scares me. It encourages me when I start doubting myself:

"For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Timothy 1:6-7, ESV).

Have no fear in fanning into flame the gifts God has given you and is asking you to use. Even though it might scare you and force you out of your comfort zone, I hope you join me this week in seizing opportunities God gives you to grow. It might involve your career, your passion or something new God is calling you into.

Believe in yourself, because God has prepared you for this moment. The person presenting you with the opportunity believes in you, and more importantly, God believes in you. Don't allow fear to keep you from something good.

You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. If you don't let go of fear and obey God's call, He can surely put someone else in your place. But God doesn't make mistakes, and He is calling you.

If you're not faced this week with an opportunity that forces you out of your comfort zone in a positive way, what was your experience the last time you said "no" to fear and "yes" to God?

Compassion for Oklahoma

Ivette Alegria — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:00:00 GMT

These days it seems like my heart can’t keep up with the tragedies that have struck our country. In the wake of the devastation that hit Oklahoma yesterday, I find myself asking, “Lord, how do I respond? What do You desire of me in the wake of this storm?”

I’ve been recently reminded that God often works through relationship. Our connection to each other and to places, keeps our hearts tender for when we will need to respond to heartbreaking circumstances in a way that only we can. I’ve never been to Oklahoma, but I have friends who call it home. While I may not have the opportunity to do relief work today, I can minister to my friends' hearts, and that’s not slight God's kingdom.

But it feels slight. I fear our well-intended, action-oriented generation is prone to undermine compassion when we make its usefulness contingent on big, external manifestations. To be clear, true compassion should overflow into meaningful action. Scripture offers example after example where Christ’s compassion compelled Him to act (e.g., “When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick” [Matthew 14:14, ESV].)

But in our pursuit of effective action, we can minimize the importance of cultivating tender hearts that are sincerely moved for others and are ready to respond to needs even when the need is small.

Feelings can be fickle things, so they get a bad rap, but that does not make them insignificant. God engendered emotions into us when He made us in His image. Therefore, compassion is sacred. It is holy, not only because it inspires us to restore the broken places of the world, but also because when we allow others' needs to break our hearts, we obey the Scriptures' commands to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) and to “put on compassionate hearts” (Colossians 3:12). In doing so, we reflect Christ's heart for the world — the Immanuel who is present in our sorrows.

According to Webster’s 1828 dictionary, “Compassion is a mixed passion, compounded of love and sorrow.” As the old hymn lyrics remind us, sorrow and love were present at the cross when Jesus became our ransom for sin. Psalm 78:38 states, “Yet he, being compassionate, atoned for their iniquity.”

Today, heartbreaking stories and pictures from Oklahoma will flood the airwaves and the Internet. As they do, let's be receptive to how we might be uniquely positioned to respond in big and small ways. Let's earnestly pray for the needs of Oklahomans, and let's not dismiss the role that our compassion has to play as we keep our hearts tender toward the sorrow our countrymen and women are experiencing and will continue to experience as they recover from this devastation.

Help Stop Language Abuse

Matt Kaufman — Tue, 21 May 2013 14:09:00 GMT

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less."

"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."

"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master — that’s all."

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

Very early in my life, it was clear that I was going to be good with words (and not so good at other things, like sports). Somewhere along the line my dad sat me down to talk about the importance of language: Words were precious bearers of truth, he said, which must be used responsibly, not just for effect. The message stuck with me. So I've long hated the postmodern idea that words don't really mean anything — that they're just tools of power to make people think whatever you want them to think.

Language abuse is all around us. Take lovers. The word should be reserved for people whose relationship is marked by real love — the lasting commitment of marriage. Often, though, lovers is used to refer to unmarried people having sex. (Unmarried to each other, that is; frequently married to someone else.) This always struck me as a perversion of the word. These relationships are marked not by love, but by the absence of love, properly understood. The last thing we should do is romanticize them.

In a similar vein, take adult — as in adult movies or adult entertainment. Talk about euphemisms! Once again, a word that should connote the best qualities (maturity, responsibility) is being hijacked to describe something more nearly the opposite. I'd say more on this subject, but Calvin & Hobbes already did it better than I could.

I could keep rattling off examples all day. (The world of politics alone could furnish me a couple hours' worth.)

Because language abuse is so widespread, many people either stop noticing it or just shrug it off the way we shrug off much of the advertising which surrounds us. Big mistake. Language abuse is thought abuse: It deadens our minds, eroding our ability and inclination to think clearly and seek the truth. Far from letting ourselves get blasé about it, we should keep an eye out for it and fight it whenever we spot it.

Stopping language abuse starts by identifying the problem. Let's hear some examples that you've noticed.

Disillusioned Daughter of Feminism

Suzanne Hadley Gosselin — Mon, 20 May 2013 20:06:00 GMT

Thirty-eight-year-old Rebecca Walker doesn't take the joys of motherhood for granted.

I love the way his head nestles in the crook of my neck. I love the way his face falls into a mask of eager concentration when I help him learn the alphabet. But most of all, I simply love hearing his little voice calling: 'Mummy, Mummy.'

It reminds me of just how blessed I am. The truth is that I very nearly missed out on becoming a mother—thanks to being brought up by a rabid feminist who thought motherhood was about the worst thing that could happen to a woman.

You see, my mum taught me that children enslave women. I grew up believing that children are millstones around your neck, and the idea that motherhood can make you blissfully happy is a complete fairytale.

Rebecca's mother, Alice Walker, is the author of The Color Purple and revered as a trailblazer in the feminist movement. Now Rebecca Walker is speaking out on the negative impact her mother's views had on their family and her childhood. She's quick to point out that her views are nearly opposite of her mother's.

In fact, having a child has been the most rewarding experience of my life. Far from 'enslaving' me, 3-and-a-half-year-old Tenzin has opened my world. My only regret is that I discovered the joys of motherhood so late—I have been trying for a second child for two years, but so far with no luck.

Rebecca Walker describes a childhood in which she wasn't allowed to play with dolls (due to her mother's fear it would bring out a maternal instinct). She was left with babysitters for months on end as her mom traveled and pursued self-fulfillment. Rebecca became sexually active at 13, got pregnant at 14 and made arrangements for her own abortion (with her mother's knowledge and support). But living out the virtues of feminism only brought pain to Rebecca.

My mother may be revered by women around the world—goodness knows, many even have shrines to her. But I honestly believe it's time to puncture the myth and to reveal what life was really like to grow up as a child of the feminist revolution.

Her final point is telling and sad:

Feminism has betrayed an entire generation of women into childlessness. It is devastating.

But far from taking responsibility for any of this, the leaders of the women's movement close ranks against anyone who dares to question them—as I have learned to my cost. I don't want to hurt my mother, but I cannot stay silent. I believe feminism is an experiment, and all experiments need to be assessed on their results. Then, when you see huge mistakes have been paid, you need to make alterations.

Walker's reflection on what feminism has wrought reminds me of Paul's words in Colossians 2:8: "See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ." Any philosophy not based on the values of God and His Word is doomed to produce bad results. While feminism has promised to liberate women, only Jesus Christ, who truly has their best interest at heart, can.

How to Start a Reading Group

Andrew Hess — Mon, 20 May 2013 13:30:00 GMT

I recently enjoyed a night of sophistication with a few friends. It was a Thursday evening, and we sat chatting as the sun slipped behind the Colorado front range. We talked about life and death, love and loss, joy and regret. For hours, we discussed our opinions on characters, scenes and themes. While this might sound like torture to some, we loved it. This was book club, and we were discussing C.S. Lewis’ classic, Till We Have Faces.

Several months ago, I set out to get friends together regularly to read and discuss the great books. I've always enjoyed reading, but often find classic literature ends up low on my list of priorities. Through the ebb and flow of life, I rarely read what many consider some of the greatest books ever written. So I started a book club. To my surprise, many of my friends shared a desire to read and discuss the classics. With very little effort, I now have a standing monthly date with erudition, courtesy of some friends and a handful of the most brilliant men and women to ever put pen to paper.

Here’s how you can start your own reading group:

1. Create a Facebook Group called “Interested in a Reading Group?” Explain you’d like to start a group that will meet once a month and discuss great literature. Then invite anybody you think might be interested. I initially invited about 30 people. Some were interested, some were non-committal and others weren't interested at all. The goal is to get about 10-15 people at your discussions. More than 15 and it becomes hard to give everyone a chance to share.

2. Find a time and place everyone can meet. In your initial meeting, cast your vision for the group. In our first meeting, I cast the vision for:

*Facilitated discussions (not teachings) on good questions.

*Reading one book a month and meeting once a month.

*Having a goal to discuss and fellowship around books and their themes, not try to find the “correct interpretation."

*Reading books that are both literary classics and generally fun to read.

3. Use online tools to determine which books to read. I think the group should take ownership of which books we read. However, it is wise to initially avoid books that are long and tedious (like some of the classic Russian novels). I’m also interested in books that will provide great discussions. I don’t want everyone to come to the discussion having hated it.

*The Greatest Books is a helpful compilation of many book lists. They’ve combined several lists of the best books and combined them into one. It’s helpful to pull suggestions from sites like this one.

*Once you have several suggestions, create a survey with an online service like SurveyMonkey.com. Then let people vote on what books they'd like to read. The top three to four books are the selections for the first several months. After that, I recommend gathering new suggestions and taking another vote.

5. Find cheap copies of the books you are reading. The great thing about many of the classics is there are lots of cheap copies floating around. I find books at used bookstores, thrift stores and even online. I regularly use a website called Paperback Swap to find cheap copies. Libraries are usually well-stocked with the classics as well. Some in our group are listening to books through local libraries or websites like audible.com.

6. Facilitate engaging discussions. The facilitator should be prepared to talk a little about the background of the book and author. They should also have lots of questions ready. Ask what people thought about interesting scenes, dialogues and themes. Ask about the characters and descriptions people liked the most and the least. Toward the end of the discussion, ask people to rate the book on a scale of 1 to 10. It’s interesting when half the group loved a book and others hated it.

I got the idea to start a reading group from Book Lover’s Guide to Great Reading by Terry Glaspey. He wrote, “Discussing books with others helps you cement themes in your mind, to garner new insights and to share with others the pleasure derived from a truly memorable book.” Terry’s book is a great resource if you are interested in starting a reading group of your own. I always enjoy our discussions and look forward to the next one.

If you’re part of a book club, which books have you enjoyed discussing the most?

Beyond the Dinner Date

Suzanne Hadley Gosselin — Fri, 17 May 2013 13:40:00 GMT

I enjoyed reading Ashley's post "Bring Back the Dinner Date." I know I felt similar frustrations during my single years. The group hang-outs, Facebook and text message flirtations, and ambiguous coffee dates got old, and caused a lot of heartache.

I admit, the times I got a straight-forward date offer were refreshing ... but not necessarily easier. There were basically four ways a first date could go:

1. We both liked each other and wanted to go on more dates. (The way we probably both HOPED it would go.)

2. The guy enjoyed spending time with me and wanted a second date, but I did not reciprocate.

3. I enjoyed spending time with the guy and hoped he would ask me on a second date, but he did not reciprocate.

4. We both had a terrible time on the date and were totally fine with never spending time together again.

As you can see, two of these four outcomes introduce a whole new set of problems. Back in the 1950s (or whenever going on dates became vogue) a girl could go on a dinner date with a different guy every Saturday night, and it was no biggie. But those days are gone. Now a date — even a first date — means something. And a straight-forward dinner date introduces some relational complexities.

I've heard quite a few single women, including myself, bemoan the fact that after one date a guy didn't ask her out again. She even blames him, when he doesn't ask her out again, for not offering enough clarity. But imagine the alternative with me. Joe calls Sarah:

Joe: Hi, Sarah.

Sarah: Hi!

Joe: I enjoyed having dinner with you …

Sarah: So did I!

Joe: … but, I just wanted to let you know that after getting to know you a little better I'm no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with you.

Ouch.

Though the guy would be offering clarity, this treatment doesn't lessen the hurt Sarah feels — it may even increase it. Then, let's say Sarah is the one who's not "feeling it" after a dinner date with Joe. She must then either make up some excuse for why she can't go out again ("I just want to be friends;" "I'm not ready for a relationship," etc.), go out for one or two more "pity" dates, or say some version of the hard truth, "I'm just not interested."

So while I agree that clear intentions in dating are nice (and let's face it, the most honest approach), we also shouldn't glamorize the "dinner date" as the solution to all of our dating woes. Do I think it's a good thing for a guy to ask a girl out on a "real date" when he's interested in her? Absolutely. But at that point, both parties need to realize that the direction and details of the relationship won't necessarily be clear and easy just because he did. They are going to need to have grace for the other person and recognize that the outcome of their date may still be less-than-hoped-for.

What do you think? A dinner date may be a good start, but how can men and women navigate the resulting complexities with grace? When intentionality goes awry — and the date doesn't result in the Hollywood ending — how should they respond? When the date ends in option No. 2 or 3, then what?

Boundaries in Working: Episode 276

Martha Krienke — Thu, 16 May 2013 18:30:00 GMT

Listen to this week's show!

Roundtable: My Job Owns Me

Sometimes you hardly know it’s happening: an extra hour here, an unexpected project there. Next thing you know, you’re living at work, eating takeout and pushing the rest of your life to the back burner. Not the best recipe for emotional and spiritual health, folks. Our panelists talk about their struggle to prioritize their lives when work threatens to take over.

Culture: Live Like a Leader

When thinking about young adults and leadership, Catalyst easily comes to mind. With more than 10 years of conferences, workshops, online tools, podcasts and other resources under its belt, the Catalyst team always has the latest and greatest stuff for training the next generation of leaders. In charge of it all is Brad Lomenick, whose new book The Catalyst Leader identifies the essentials (not suggestions) of a great leader. He gives us a sneak peak in this week’s interview. Oh, and Lisa asks him why he’s still single. Just cuz.

Inbox: All Grown Up

She realizes the value of being independent, but can she take it too far? How can she gain experience, life skills and a can-do attitude without appearing to be invincible? Candice Watters responds.

Grad School Reflections

Denise Morris — Thu, 16 May 2013 17:45:00 GMT

On Saturday I will graduate with my master's in Old Testament Biblical Studies from Denver Seminary. After three (plus) long years, I am finally done. I have moved for this degree, gotten poor for this degree, tried to learn the Greek verbal system for this degree, and cried for this degree. Was it worth it? I'm still deciding. There's a lot to ponder as I wrap up my graduate career. If you're thinking of going to grad school sometime in the future, here are some things I've learned along the way.

Be Confident About Your Degree

When I graduated from college, my dad thought I should go on for my master's right away. My undergraduate degree was in journalism, so I probably would have continued on to a master's in journalism the very next fall. I thought about it, but decided against it — choosing to go to the Focus Leadership Institute instead. It was a wise choice. While I was there, I did a magazine internship and then ended up getting a job as an assistant editor for a new college webzine. I eventually became the editor of that webzine, and when that job ended, my experience made it easy for me to get another job writing curriculum. During my years as a working professional, I definitely learned more about my writing style, but I also became fascinated with the Old Testament and learning more about the culture of the Bible. That is what eventually led me to Denver Seminary and my Old Testament degree. If I had gone to grad school immediately after college, I would have pursued a master's in something I wasn't fully interested in. Grad school is a lot of work, so it's worth it to feel passionate about what you're studying and why you're studying it.

Know Your School and Program

I chose to go to seminary, which is different from many master's programs. My degree was more than 60 credits, and for my specific program, I had to take a six-hour comprehensive exam and write a thesis. Some programs require fewer credits, projects versus theses, oral exams versus written comps, etc. Know the amount of time you are willing to take to complete your program and the requirements you will have to fulfill along the way. Visit your school, and see what the campus and faculty are like. You'll be spending a lot of time there, so you want to make sure it's an environment you're comfortable in. If you're considering seminary, learn about the theological beliefs and practices. Some seminaries are super conservative, and others are quite liberal. Learn what you can about the beliefs promoted by the school and what the professors say about the Bible.

Prepare for Your Life to Change

I moved from Colorado Springs to Denver to go to grad school. I also quit my full-time job and became a freelance contractor. Not everyone's life changes so drastically for a master's program, but it's possible. I have gone from a steady income to piecing together work so that I had time to sit in the school library for 12 hours each day, writing about the Exodus motif in Scripture. (Why did I choose to do this?!) I have accrued debt, which is something I never had before now. I have stumbled through three languages and multiple theology classes. I have cried a lot. My life is very different right now from what it was three years ago. My life is different, but not in a bad way. Yes, I have debt and painful memories of parsing Hebrew verbs. But I know so much more about the story God is telling in His Word. I have come to appreciate the complexity and continuity of the biblical text. I have made wonderful new friends, been blessed by a Gospel-driven church, taught Old Testament classes at the college level, and met an amazing man — all because of my decision to go to grad school and move to Denver.

There is still a lot for me to process as I graduate. I don't know what is next for me career-wise. I often wonder if I will end up doing a job I could have done without this degree. But even if I do, I am grateful for what I have learned. Learning more about the Bible, being forced to grapple with the Scripture and singing the words of the Shema in the original language, are wonderful things. Overall, I have been blessed by the time I spent getting my master's.

What has been your experience with grad school? Do you recommend it or not? Are you pondering grad school? What are your pros and cons?

Learning to Observe Sabbath Moments

Amy Seed — Thu, 16 May 2013 12:31:00 GMT

I came across a quote on Pinterest the other day that is unfortunately all too true and relevant for society today: "Stop the glorification of busy."

In college, there was always an unofficial contest to see who got the least amount of sleep at night. Everyone wanted to be the person with the most work to do. Being busy made us feel accomplished. Being the busiest gave us the right to be exhausted. The sad reality is that this mindset continues after college.

Why do we insist on being so busy? I don't think boredom is the main issue. I think we're afraid of what we'll have to face when we stop. Stopping to focus on God through prayer and meditation on Scripture can bring a lot of things to the surface we've tried to bury. If we're honest with ourselves, working through our struggles as they arise is better than burying them and having them resurface later.

In a society that truly does glorify busyness, rest is often looked upon as laziness. If we need to take a moment to acknowledge our weaknesses and seek God's help instead of being strong and pushing forward on our own all the time, we're afraid others will look down on us. The truth is that observing the Sabbath and resting is not laziness or weakness, and God never intended for it to be a burden. God created the Sabbath after He created man, and this rest is intended as a gift for us. It is an opportunity for us to refresh physically and spiritually.

Sometimes I find myself working 10 days in a row before having one day off, and I usually spend that day catching up on everything I couldn't do while I was working. I always work weekends, and while I do have the luxury of being able to attend church most Sundays, I never have the entire day off to rest. Between my job in retail and finishing articles for Monday's newspaper deadline, my Sabbath has become a series of choppy stop-and-go moments. But I cherish those brief moments when I can stop and rest in God.

In the midst of my busyness, I've learned to seize small moments throughout the week to cease doing. Sometimes our Sabbath doesn't fall on Saturday or Sunday, but the important thing is that we recognize and observe Sabbath moments. It helps us refocus on God, and it opens our eyes to what He's doing around us and in us.

For me, sometimes this means sitting in my car after I've reached my destination to finish listening to a song on the radio that spoke to me in some way. Sometimes it means taking a 20-minute power nap before work or setting my cell phone aside and closing Facebook for a while. And sometimes it means taking a moment to admire God's handiwork in the night sky when I get home from a closing shift at work. Because I tend to multitask, sometimes it even means focusing on only one thing at a time.

Sabbathing can mean waking up a little earlier to read the Bible and pray. Or it means using your lunch break at work to sit quietly somewhere and reflect on the day. It can mean fasting from social media or your cell phone for a day or even an hour. It's OK to start small as long as we start.

How do you experience Sabbath moments during your day? How and where do you find rest to recharge spiritually and physically? If you find yourself too busy to Sabbath, I encourage you to seek out moments to rest. We should never be too busy to spend time with God. It might be a challenge for us to slow down, but God intends for us to rest.

Bring Back the Dinner Date

Ashley Boyer — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:28:00 GMT

I’ve had several conversations in the last few months about what defines a date — mostly how it’s confusing and sometimes how as a girl, I don’t know if I’m actually on a date. During one conversation, my friend started off with, “We went to a concert, but I’m not sure it was actually a date or if we just ended up hanging out one-on-one.” And while that sounds a bit dramatic, it’s a common sentiment among my 20-something friends, especially when you factor in things like friendlationships, texting, Facebook and just general confusion about what you actually call time spent getting to know someone of the opposite gender. Is it courting, dating, being intentional ... or some sort of hybrid of all three?

From where I sit, I’m advocating for bringing back the traditional dinner date. In a world of ambiguous coffee dates and endless nights of group hang-outs, it’s nice when a guy cuts through all the confusion and asks a girl on a proper date. I appreciate it when a guy is upfront about letting me know what he’s thinking so that there’s not an awkward moment when the check comes and I’m wondering if I should offer to pay. (Next week I’ll tackle the whole who should pay on a first date question.)

Because of all the ambiguity, a guy stands out — in a good way — when he calls and says something like, “I’d like to get to know you better. Can I take you to dinner?” It’s clear that it’s going to be a date and that there’s interest in spending time together with a purpose. Maybe we’ll hit it off and go out again, or maybe we won’t. But either way, at least it’s clear that a guy is interested in seeing which it will be.

Texting, Facebooking and emailing are all fine, but asking a girl out on a date through these methods usually adds another layer of complication and more room for ambiguity or miscommunication. All the online social media stuff is a great way to initially get to know someone and build a friendship, but eventually, if there’s interest in something more, it has to move to real world, face-to-face communication. And when it comes to dating, the more clarity, the better. Getting to know someone seems to work best when you can read facial expression, tone and body language.

I realize that the whole is-it-a-date and who-should-initiate question is more complicated than a short blog post, but in my experience, most girls appreciate a guy who asks a girl to dinner, lets her know it’s a date, and clearly communicates that from the beginning. In a world where confusion and mixed signals from guys and girls can feel like the norm, any time intentions are clearly communicated, it only adds to the attraction if it already exists. And if the girl isn’t interested in going out on a date, at least she knows what was being asked and can graciously thank the guy for his invitation anyway.

Is Saving Virginity Until Marriage a Mistake?

Adam Holz — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:02:00 GMT

Is virginity worth saving for marriage? Or might doing so increase the likelihood of a bad match if two people discover that they're sexually incompatible?

Those are the questions asked by Jessica Ciencin Henriquez in her salon.com article "My Virginity Mistake." In it, she describes how she was encouraged as a teen at a Baptist youth camp to preserve her virginity until marriage. By her own admission, she wasn't sure she bought the message. But her infatuation for the accompanying purity ring, combined with fears about sex, helped her keep her pledge until she married at age 20. She writes:

"I didn’t buy into a word of it. Jesus as my husband: Were they kidding? But that ring! Silver and engraved with entwined hearts — everyone I knew was wearing one and I’d finally been given the opportunity to get my hands on it. … After an intense and very detailed sex talk with my mother , where she stuttered and I blushed and we both used the word 'flower,' I was terrified of sex. That and the slide show in sex ed didn’t help one bit. So I scribbled Jesus + Jess on my Bible cover, and I casually mentioned my virginity in daily conversations. I committed to the idea hoping it would ensure a successful marriage. Instead, it led to my divorce."

Almost immediately after tying the knot, Henriquez realized that she was disinterested in sex with her new husband — in part because of the way he objectified her during the act. She then makes a big logical leap, suggesting that if only they'd slept together before they got married, she'd have known he wasn't the one.

"Had we had sex before our relationship transitioned into a contract, I would have known that there was no passion, no spark, nothing happening between our bodies. I would never have agreed to marry him because sex is a significant part of a relationship and therefore a significant part of our relationship was failing."

It's hard to know where, exactly, to begin with the argument Henriquez is making here. But I think there are several fundamentally flawed presuppositions at work.

First is the presupposition — and it's a huge one — that your premarital sexual "test drive" will correlate directly with your experience in marriage. The assumption here is that if you have good sex before marriage, you'll experience similarly smoldering post-altar passion. Next comes the idea that a marriage in which sex is less than volcanic is somehow not worth preserving. Finally, there's the overlapping implication that the only way to solve a sexual problem in marriage is to get a divorce and try again with someone you've got better "chemistry" with.

I'm going to focus on the first argument, the idea that pre-marital sexual experience is an accurate predictor of what to expect once the rings are on.

Henriquez assumes that an unsatisfying sexual experience early on means that a couple is doomed to what we sometimes hear described in these sorts of articles as "sexual incompatibility." If sex is "bad" or disappointing at first, as it was for her, she suggests throwing in the towel because this area is just too important to experience dissatisfaction in. In this, Henriquez didn't exhibit much, if any, willingness to work on this area with her new husband, to grow, to communicate and to possibly have moved to a better place.

On the other hand, for some couples the newness and passion of sex early on makes those first moments of discovery almost intoxicating, a feeling that they assume will last forever. But when those initial flames begin to cool a bit, they can assume that they've lost something, that something's gone wrong, that they're no longer as "sexually compatible" as they once were.

Either way, it's critical to remember that a couple's early sexual experiences together aren't necessarily an accurate indicator of where things will be a year or 10 or 20 down the road. That's because it's simply impossible to know ahead of time how various factors and experiences that come into play in a marriage will affect your sex life. Many couples, perhaps most, have to navigate new realities after having children, for instance. From kids in beds, to demanding schedules to changes in bodies, the sexual experience after marriage often changes, too.

In addition, the passage of time influences both men's and women's sexual appetites — sometimes in different directions. At times, you might be wildly in synch with each other sexually. Other times, not so much. When the latter situation occurs, good, honest conversation is the key to moving forward into deeper intimacy. But that requires time, tenderness and security to cultivate an environment in which both partners feel safe to talk about where they may be struggling. That kind of vulnerability simply isn't cultivated overnight.

I write this from the perspective of someone who's been married almost a decade and who has three children, as one who has walked through the ups and downs and in betweens on this subject with my wife. Sometimes I'm still surprised how complex this issue can be and how much we're still learning about each other — and about really loving each other well — almost a decade in. But I can honestly say that my understanding of marital intimacy in its totality continues to grow. And we've had many older couples tell us that they didn't experience their deepest and most satisfying sexual intimacy until 20 years or more into marriage.

The promise of marital oneness, then, is not one of ongoing nuclear chemistry that starts out hot and then just gets even hotter. Rather, it's knowing that there's a safe place to love and experience one another throughout our lives together, throughout the peaks and valleys that virtually every couple eventually walks through.

Should Friendship Be a Deliberate Decision?

Ashley Boyer — Fri, 10 May 2013 13:19:00 GMT

As a single with no immediate family living close by, my friends play an important role. In the absence of a spouse, a friend often becomes my ride to the airport, deliverer of medicine when I’m too sick to leave the house, and a second set of hands to hold the rod when I’m hanging curtains.

For most of my life I’ve thought the more friends, the better. Whether it was a sign that I was popular or a way to define my significance, I’ve always thought that one could never have enough friends.

But I was reading a blog about women’s friendship in churches, and I was struck by the phrase deliberate friends. The author was making the case that in the church women tend to settle for shallow friendships, and as a result there can be gossip, back-stabbing and divisiveness. She was encouraging women to reach out and be intentional and deliberate in their search for true, authentic friendship.

I love that phrase because as I’ve entered my 30s, my friendships have changed. When I first moved to Colorado after college, I had a built-in group of friends from a semester program I had attended. In fact, two out of my three roommates stayed in town after the program ended. A job, small group and roommates filled out the rest of my friendship needs, and I never really had to search out or be intentional about the friends I made. They just sort of happened.

But as I’ve gotten older, friends have moved away, gotten married and started families, and I don’t have roommates currently. As my friendships have evolved, I’ve found value in being deliberate about making new friends.

No longer do I need to have tons of friends (Facebook or real life) to feel validated. I’d rather have fewer friends, but ones who I know will be there no matter what. So as I’ve needed new friends, I’ve been more thoughtful and intentional about who I invest in. I’m not talking about casual friendships or people I know on a surface level, but I’m talking about that small group of friends who are my go-to people.

I’m looking to invest in friendships where it’s more than just a shared interest or a job that we have in common. It’s friends who are loyal and committed and who when they say they're praying for you, they really are. It’s a friend who isn’t afraid to talk about the hard stuff with me and point out where there might be flaws in my thinking. And of course, a friend where I can be all of these things in return.

In an online social world where the term "friend" can mean all sorts of things, I like the idea of being deliberate in who I seek out as a friend. It’s less about the number and more about a deliberate decision to invest wisely.

Smartphone Addiction: Episode 275

Lisa Anderson — Thu, 09 May 2013 19:12:00 GMT

Listen to this week's show!

Roundtable: My Phone Is My BFF

Smartphones have changed the way we live. In many ways, they make us more efficient and connected. But they have a dark side, too. From texting to tweeting, gaming to gawking at blogs, news feeds and videos (crazy cat antics, anyone?), our phones are keeping our heads down and our lives at times scarily disconnected from the real world. This week’s panel confesses to our own digital addictions and what needs to be done to reclaim our time and attention.

Culture: Lessons From Joni and Ken

In 1967, a 17-year-old Joni Eareckson became a quadriplegic after a diving accident broke her neck. Learning to trust God in the wake of that wasn’t easy, but she did, and went on to write, speak, paint and share her story of hope internationally. In the early 1980s she married Ken Tada, but the heartache wasn’t over. Their marriage had to endure estrangement, depression, chronic pain and a breast cancer diagnosis. They almost hit the breaking point, but they share in this week’s interview how their faith and a rock-solid commitment to their marriage vows (detailed in their new book Joni and Ken: An Untold Love Story) pulled them through and actually made them stronger.

Inbox: OK With Illness?

Marrying someone with a chronic illness isn’t something to be taken lightly. One of our listeners wants to know how to balance a hopeful approach toward marriage to someone with this struggle with realistic expectations. Counselor Dr. Jared Pingleton offers a starting framework for consideration.

What To Say When You Pray

Andrew Hess — Thu, 09 May 2013 13:21:00 GMT

Growing up in and around the church, I spent a lot of my early childhood days singing silly songs at Sunday school. I remember a few, like that old one: “Read your Bible, pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, grow… Don’t read your Bible, forget to pray, and you’ll shrink, shrink, shrink.” What a powerful motivator for us kids: Read your Bible and pray everyday, or kiss your hopes of playing in the NBA goodbye. As an adult, I've learned to have regular devotional times without the motivation of traumatizing songs.

Daily times of devotion certainly are important, and a common frustration, particularly with prayer, is determining exactly what we should say. Should we tell God about our day? Should we really tell Him about all our frustrations? Is it OK to rattle off a long list of requests, or does God prefer some spiritual small talk first?

It seems there are about as many ways to talk to God as people, and I reject the idea there is some divine prayer formula we must figure out for our prayers to work. However, I do believe there is a place we can go to learn how God would have us pray.

I believe our prayers should be heavily inundated with the Word of God. As we come before God, there is nothing better for us to pray than God’s own Word. The Bible teaches us who God is and all that He requires, and we are prudent to let our prayers echo everything He has revealed to us in the Bible.

This idea is not my own. Many mighty Christians through history have practiced and recommended praying God’s Word. George Muller once wrote:

"Formerly, when I rose, I began to pray as soon as possible. But I often spent a quarter of an hour to an hour on my knees struggling to pray while my mind wandered. Now I rarely have this problem. As my heart is nourished by the truth of the Word, I am brought into true fellowship with God. I speak to my Father and to my Friend (although I am unworthy) about the things that He has brought before me in His precious Word."

Along the same lines, Robert Murray M'Cheyne once wrote to a friend:

"Turn the Bible into prayer. Thus, if you are reading the 1^st Psalm, spread the Bible on the chair before [you] and kneel, and pray, ‘O Lord, give me the blessedness of this man’ ‘Let me not stand in the counsel of the ungodly,’ etc. This is the best way of knowing the meaning of the Bible and learning to pray."

I've been growing in this discipline of soaking my prayers in God’s Word, and it has proven a very great help. When I don’t know what or how to pray, I open my Bible and set my heart on a particular passage. Where I find God’s commands, I pray for strength to obey. Where I find God’s promises, I ask for faith to believe. Where I find God’s actions, I pray for reverent fear and tender love. My experience has been consistent with Herbert Lockyer who said, “The mightiest prayers are often those drenched with the Word of God.”

If you've been wrestling over a particular prayer request, perhaps you might deepen your prayers by searching the Scriptures for those with similar requests. Below are a few examples of how I have recently let the Scriptures saturate my own prayers.

Lord, as You provided for a child for Hannah, provide children for me (1 Samuel 1:20).

Lord, as You sustained Job through his great suffering, sustain me through my own trials (Job 42:10).

Lord, let the earth be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD as the waters cover the sea (Habakkuk 2:14).

Lord, as You gave Solomon wisdom to rule, give me wisdom to complete my work with skill (1 Kings 4:29).

Lord, You satisfy the longing soul, and You fill the hungry soul with good things. Satisfy me (Psalm 107:9).

Lord, just as You gave up Christ for me, I give You all I have (Romans 8:32).

Lord, as Paul encouraged the early church with the promise of Your soon return, let my soul be encouraged that You are coming soon (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18).

Lord, strengthen me to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against my soul (1 Peter 2:11).

Lord, help me value the kingdom like treasure and fine pearls (Matthew 13:44-46).

Lord, as You gave Paul boldness to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ, give me boldness to share Christ with my neighbors (Acts 9:28).

Lord, teach me how to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances. I know this is Your will (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

These are just a few, and yours may look different, but my hope is that our prayer requests will increasingly flow from the Bible. As we grow in our knowledge of God’s Word, we should also simultaneously grow in prayer. As Robert Murray M'Cheyne advised, open your Bible and ask God to make all the riches of the Scriptures a reality in your life.

Looking Beyond Our Prison Walls

Amy Seed — Wed, 08 May 2013 19:00:00 GMT

My sister-in-law elbowed me during church last Sunday because our pastor's sermon on Philippians 4 could have been written just for me. Among other things, the topic was about being content with where God has us whether that is geographically, financially or relationship-wise.

I learned a humbling lesson from Paul that morning. Here I am grumbling and unsatisfied with where I am in life, and there was Paul sitting in prison, teaching the Philippians about contentment!

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:11-13, ESV).

These are incredible words from Paul. He even shares his secret with us, that he can carry out his calling in ministry regardless of setbacks because God gives him strength to do it. A setback like prison isn't enough to discourage him. Instead of being able to follow his passion for sharing Christ during his travels, he's locked in prison with his ministry constricted to letters. But here's the thing: Even in prison, he continues his ministry. He can see beyond his prison walls.

It's no secret I've been itching to leave my hometown and pursue journalism in a bigger city. I'm not calling my town a prison (though it has several), but sometimes I feel trapped here beyond my control. I'm only able to pursue part of my passion for journalism because my options are limited. Skills I'm dying to use are left unused. My situation is my prison, and finding contentment is my challenge.

But it is clear that I'm meant to be here. God wants me here. Every door I attempt to walk through that leads elsewhere gets slammed shut, but I walk unhindered through doors that lead to local opportunities. My pastor reminded me in his sermon that our town isn't just one to pass through — it's a destination, too.

God is using this situation to challenge me and help me grow in character. I'm experiencing God opening new and exciting doors the longer I'm here, and while I might not be content, I'm growing in contentment. I'm learning that being content with my current financial situation and my work situation doesn't mean giving up my dreams. I can still move forward in my career while recognizing I'm not just passing through anymore. I've reached a destination.

Paul didn't lose sight of his goals while he was detained. He pressed onward. He learned to be content in his circumstances and to seek God for strength to do the tasks set before him. I can't say whether or not Paul knew his letters would still inspire believers almost 2,000 years later, but I don't think he did. In the same way, how we respond to our prison walls can have a greater impact than we realize.

Even though we might feel stuck today, God is working in us. Maybe you're like me and you've been searching for the right destination that allows you to pursue your passion only to realize you might already be there. Let's look beyond our prison walls today and pursue our dreams with vigor, recognizing that even when we feel imprisoned, we still have the ability to follow our calling and serve a greater purpose.