Boy Crazy

2025.....

2025-12-02T11:49:00.002-06:00

is almost over!

Not a whole lot to write about now that 2/3 of my children live away from me. I miss toddlers and preschoolers and endless cartoons. It did fly fast.

I was "non-renewed" for my second grade position with no explanation and so late in the game I couldn't find another before school started. My depression came back. I cannot find meds that work with my anxiety meds so I just deal with it the best I can. I'd rather be sad than anxious. I did find out recently that I was "fired" so that principal's pet could move her sister in and I am glad I am gone. She is slowly taking over by spreading rumors and I figure by next year everyone I knew and loved will be out and, seriously, people just suck. I'm too old for that shit.

I owe $26,402.31 to my debt relief program and I don't' have a job. It's funny really.

My husband financially cut me off due to "my spending habits" and by "spending habits" I mean buying groceries, shoes for my kids (whose feet continue to grow), cheer fees, medical co-pays, streaming channels, internet, and that entire damn classroom I funded and set up. Maybe I took a couple trips in there but he used the fruits of that habit just as dang slap-happily as he could. Guess what you can't get without money? Starts with a D...

My bank account is at $-38.24 which also happens to be the gate code to our neighborhood so come on in!

It would be wrong to start a go fund me right? I know of at least two I contributed to in the past five years of friends needing surgery and then I realize, they never had surgery. Hmmmmm.......

Also if you start tutoring, get paid upfront. There's a mama down the street who owes me almost $300, sure could use that right now. (She's blocked me and , no, I don't see her kid anymore).

If I still wrote Christmas letters, or even sent cards, this is what I would say:

2025

We are still living in Texas and even got a nice snow in January.

Adam turned 20 and moved to San Marcos with friends in January.

At the end of the month Elizabeth attended NCA National Cheer in Dallas. We had a blast. Might have placed last but progress was made along with new friends.

Elizabeth also got her driver's permit March 1
And then promptly totaled my 24 year old car on March 7.
Went to Fredericksburg....

Elizabeth turned 18.......got them all to adulthood. Yay me.

Jacob turned 24!!! in March but no pictures until we went to see him in a theater production in May.

I went to Panama City Beach in June.....the most wonderful week of the year.

Cheer started again.....this is my job now. Sure wish there was a paycheck.

Jacob moved back to town, living in his grandparents house....

I turned 57.

My sister took me to WVU to see them lose a football game. In the rain. Might have turned into a food tour.

I went to Panama City Beach. Again. Alone.

Cheer Regionals as soon as the plane landed.

Jacob was the lead in another theater production at the college in town and found another dog that he still has and is currently freezing in his garage because his grandparents won't let it in the house because he already has one dog they don't want in the house in the house. Please someone take this sweet dog. I am anticipating some huge riffs coming. My parents are old and can't handle this kind of stress.

And just for good measure....here is his other dog. Watching Stranger Things.

We look forward to 2026.

2024

2024-06-03T12:10:00.001-06:00

Half way through the year....I kept meaning to write birthday posts but all three of them have come and gone and they also just seem strange when they are mostly adults right? I wish blogging was the same as it was in the early 2000s. I miss my blogging friends.

Anyway.....life. It is so weird how quickly it passes and changes and you don't really notice until you slow down and remember. It's bittersweet to see young moms wrestling their littles in a store or a park. It was so hard. Why were there three of them? I feel like I didn't really enjoy them at the time but I would give all my money to have it all back. Of course, I am $40,000 in debt so not a lot of money to give, but you know. I love my adult children. I love having real conversations over a drink at dinner and sharing in their dreams for their futures but, damn, they were so freaking cute. (See 2005-2009)

Jacob is 23 and lives 4 hours west of here. I just returned from spending a few days with him. He gets things and knows where he is going and what he is doing and figuring out how he wants to proceed. I remember thinking he would live with us always lining up Thomas trains in a basement somewhere and he's actually surviving completely on his own. I am proud. He is also just so kind to everyone; to a fault maybe. I worry others may be taking advantage of him but at the same time after all he went through in those early school years I am glad he is not vengeful or hateful at people in general just because.

He looks a little different......

Adam is 19 and just finished his first year of college. He HATED it! He's back living at home and trying to figure out his next move. All I have seen so far is cans of Miller Lite left on my counter every night and text requests for gas money, but hey, he's young. If I could be 19 again.......

Elizabeth is "homeschooling" and by "homeschooling" I mean she withdrew from school and signed up for an online program but hasn't done a thing that I can see. Always a different excuse for why she can't go to school, do homeschool, work, help out, move a muscle. First it was anxiety, then depression, now she has been diagnosed with OCD but I don't see that so much anymore and wonder if it was just an act for the doctor. She loves her THC vapes and for a kid who doesn't ever, ever leave the house she has plenty of them. Popcorn lung? That's a lie you know. High School Education? Why would I want that? She has called me by my first name since lockdown and sometimes refers to me as the c-word because I don't give her everything she desires in a timely manner. Spoiled much? Why yes she is! She is genuinely mentally ill but, have mercy, she's a mean little shit. She is 17 now and fluctuates from trashy made-up scantily clad bar fly to 10 years old and loves her Barbies. It's manic and it's crazy and it's just plain sad really. How did she get like this? She won't take any meds prescribed to her, always another excuse and I think she is selling them to get the vapes but HOW? No one comes here and she doesn't leave.

Anyway, my intention was to stay home and help with the homeschool but when I realized that wasn't gonna be a thing and my presence in the house pissed her off I found a second grade position in November and I LOVE IT! I am so happy I went back to what I know and what I am really good at........good times were had but I am thrilled to have twelve weeks off for summer! City, mountains, beach, oh my!

I've lost 18 pounds since March on Perfect Body and frequent fasting. I looked at the Christmas pictures and I was like, nope, no way, ain't looking like that no more. FYI in case you don't know - you can't eat anymore once menopause comes. I mean, nothing. I was eating plain oatmeal three times a day and exercising three days a week and still blowing up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon. I still haven't reached my goal or 30 pounds by June 1 but at least I won't look six months pregnant in a swimsuit at the beach TOMORROW! I do Pilates almost every day and walk the dog twice a day now that school is out. I am concentrating on health because I have no romantic life and my friends all live far away and I might be a little bit lonely or homesick for the 80s (so good, so good) or something. I like myself so working on myself seems like something to do right now. I might expand this summer if I remember I have this. Am I having a midlife crisis? Maybe? Do you think so? Where do I go from here?

Where do WE go from here?

Who Knew?

2023-01-15T17:02:00.000-06:00

That day...fourteen hours later I was mom to a daughter. I was thrilled. I wanted a girl with each pregnancy and finally, finally, her she was. Pink bows, mary-janes, frilly dresses, and Disney dolls. I was in heaven reliving my own girlhood through hers. Oh, I love my boys fiercely but they were different than me. Now I had one of my own and life was good.

Then.

I can't really say when it started but I can recall a small shift in middle school. Then there came COVID with it's online school and isolation. High School sealed the deal and before I knew it my once happy, delightful, extroverted little girl became the see-ya-ou'side girl from Dr. Phil. It's been three years now, the last year the worst, and I still can't believe we are here. I have no idea who she is anymore and I fear the things she is doing in the solitude of the room she rarely leaves.

There is so much to say and yet I don't know how to say it. I'd post a picture because that might help some but she's already very colorfully told me not to post her on FB. I am sure an entire story would really piss her off but it's also my story. One of my boys lives in his own apartment, the second one will be leaving in August to a school far away. I am struggling with these milestones and, yet, I can't sit back and really deal with how I am dealing with them because there is always something with her.

Will you pray for her? That's really the only thing I know to do anymore. I have stumbled and fumbled and everytime I think I've almost gotten a grasp, she falls away.

I am still thrilled to have a daughter. I just need to learn to live with the one I have.

Beginning of the School Year...

2022-08-09T09:48:00.001-06:00

Well, not quite, but soon. HOW is raising teenagers more time-consuming than raising toddlers? I really thought I'd bring the blog back this summer. HA.

Still haven't done the birthday posts either. Short version: Jacob is 21, Adam is 17, Elizabeth is 15. Remember when she was born. Yeah, can't believe how fast that happened.

Anyway. I interviewed for a few full-time, you-need-to-decorate-a-classroom jobs and ended up turning them all down. I loved the schools and would have loved a new group of all day, every day students again but the best offer I got equaled $14.90 an hour and was a half hour away on a good day. I mean, REALLY? I made more working the church preschool way back when. Not much more, but more. I couldn't see myself with no free time, taxed heavily, and bringing home very little even with my fantastic medication. So. I will be working with the boss I had pre-COVID at a different preschool. I probably won't make much but at least I will have something to buy a pizza with now and again because, right now?, I am broke. Well, I have $25 in my pocket from tutoring this morning but it's fair to say I am poor so time to add what little I can to that savings.

My dad was going to buy a house in West Virginia and I was so ready to pack up and move there next summer but, alas, it wasn't up to his standards so no house. That doesn't mean there won't ever be a house, but it wasn't meant to be.

Adam is a senior now. He thinks he's big stuff and almost an adult and I just don't understand how the world works or what is best for him. Sound familiar? I can recall exactly where I was when I made that remark to my parents. RIP Elbys...miss the Strawberry Pie. I can't get him to even make a plan.....he's going to go with the flow, have fun, find himself, money? eh, he can't think about that right now. I am torn between let him be happy and forcing him to grow up. It's August, I just can't think about that right now.

Elizabeth is repeating ninth grade. She wanted to transfer to a smaller school in a smaller town in a smaller state but here we are. We'll take it one day at a time. She needs therapy and medication but she'll take neither. I thought Jacob was bad? Woah Nelly, Even Apollo is scared of her.

Jacob....well, he's 21 therefore he drinks. He also would like to move to Colorado or California if you get my drift and he has a 4.0 GPA but he's still a sophomore. He drops every class in which he will not make an A. He just doesn't get that he only has two semesters of tuition money left. He spent the summer here. It was painful. Everyone loves to here each day what a terrible parent they were. He didn't work, he didn't study, he didn't go out and he felt entitled to stay here and criticize us because his childhood was so awful. I admit, it wasn't the best, but damn, let's all move forward and try to fix it instead.

So.....yeah, parenting wasn't my best period. Yes, I am still in it. I have been working to improve it for years and I feel like I learned from poor first born but, this is hard ya'll....it doesn't get easier, please don't let anyone ever tell you that. I have done my best.

Apollo is very well behaved, has ambition, and thinks I am the best mom ever.

End of the School Year

2022-05-25T07:42:00.003-06:00

One more day! Thank Goodness!

Sometimes I sit down, like now, and wonder what in the world I was doing sending my children to public school. And by public, I mean in a big building with other kids. Public was so much better than private for us, just saying. But anyway....

I remember sending each of mine to ninth grade and worrying so much. The rumors about drugs, assaults, petty fights, unqualified teachers, shootings......Could there be a shooting at my kid's school? Damn, I hope not. Then it became one of those things where you wake up, send them off, go about your day, they come home, lather, rinse, repeat. THEN. Then Santa Fe happened. Ya'll. That's right down the road from us. I was considering sending Adam there to play football. One of the teachers was one of our preschooler's grandmothers. Way too close. Yes. I seriously considered homeschooling from there on but my kid's are very social creatures and wouldn't hear of it. Deep down I figured, well, it won't happen at their school, so very near their school. Their HIGH SCHOOL.

And then here we are again.

We do not live near Uvalde, but my dad goes there each year to hunt ducks in the fall. He knows people there, it's a friendly town. I wonder which, if any, of those families he has interacted with have lost their children. What in the world was an 18 year old very young adult, CHILD REALLY, doing with an assault rifle? It's a hunting town there, they make money on that type of tourism, but do you need THAT to kill a small bird?

I've been fielding out resumes and applications to teach in public school again next year. I have a degree in Elementary Education and a Masters in Special Education. 1992. I was excited to make a difference and spend my days back in elementary schools and lately I have felt the same way, hoping for a second or third grade classroom, how I would decorate, what the kids would need from me, the staff I would forge relationships with.....now. I am scared. Would I die protecting my students or would I run screaming from adrenaline because I still have kids to raise? No one should have thoughts like that. The last year I taught preschool we had shooter drills. It was insane. Not because, eh, what are the odds? Insane watching these 2-5 year olds hiding, attempting to be silent, blinds drawn, huddling in a shared bathroom with little boy pee on the floor wondering aloud if they would be able to finish their painting before time to go home. We were in a meeting following and they were asking us the steps to take if you were caught outside during an active shooting and I said straight up, I am running them all to my car and getting the hell out of there. I might have been reprimanded. But, seriously, a drill would never prepare you. Look at those poor kids stuck in a room with the shooter, man, you just pray and trust your gut. Those poor teachers. They knew they were going to die. They died for $50.000 a year, measly benefits, disrespect from parents, administration, and most students, and a government that believes they are so dismissable that a 1% raise isn't always guaranteed and definitely no supplies to actually teach. But, hey! maybe your town needs a million dollar thing for no apparent reason.

I don't think I want to teach anymore.

Elizabeth spent three months in alternative high school this winter. I worried daily about her safety there. She learned absolutely nothing as they did no work there. It was essentially a daytime prison for teenagers. She was groped, pushed, spit on, and one day the police were called because a kid had a knife (but they were all frisked going in and he was caught before entry). Yep. It was scary. BUT, no shooting. Even with all the drills we endured, it never occured to me that a shooter might target an elementary school as much as they might want to target a high school. Even just typing that is WRONG. "Oh, let's see, I think now that you are in ninth grade your odds of being killed going to learn increases". NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. (and yes, I remember Sandy Hook).

What do I do now? What will you do now? My son will be senior TOMORROW! My daughter is starting over and has four more years. There's no football team at the Mama's Scared HomeSchool. Or Math. My kids are still social. Would interacting with a dog be okay? No. And then, they graduate. Are they now completely safe? No, they are not.

I completely agree when people say this violence (and it's not all school violence) is a people problem but, hell, why would you arm the people with the problem? With assault weapons no less?

I know I will piss some people off but so what? All of the men I know have guns. They shoot animals with them. I am not a fan. I figure they can go to HEB and get all the meat they want, but the stores don't carry dove or duck or deer so whatever. I do not believe they hunt with assault rifles. I know they also carry pistols on their person and that's a new occurance......mostly due to all the shootings and attacks out there. I guess they like to consider themselves heroes but so far, never used them other than at a range. Not that I have to justify anything for anyone but there it is.

Texas has made it even harder since COVID to be a teacher. More tests, more classes, more full summers, more paperwork, more expensive licensure, more expensive courses, less pay, less benefits, now more violence. I wonder how many quit now. I wonder how many are changing their majors. What happens to our kids when there is no one there to educate them? Are they even getting the education they deserve? Obviously something is missing somewhere to make them want to kill innocent babies. I went to school in the 70s and 80s.....if someone had conflict they had a 1-2 punch fight in the parking lot after class and that was that. If that. Usually by the end of the day everyone just wanted to go home. Or hang out. I think psychiatric help needs to be a mandatory class for everyone now. I don't want to teach my grandchildren science because people are not stable enough to be around others.

Your thoughts?

You are welcome to disagree with me. I won't hurt you.

Now. What should I do with my career life now?

Oh Look, A Holiday....

2022-02-21T10:50:00.004-06:00

Oh how I need a day off. It's 10:30 and I still haven't done a thing. I haven't decided if I feel good or bad about this.

He's my spirit animal. He's happy I didn't leave today. Yet.

How is it I have to clean more than I did when they were little? My goodness, I spent all weekend making this place spotless and woke up this morning to such a mess. I sometimes think my husband makes it just to have something to complain about. I am just grateful he still went to work during the shutdown.

Anyway, I developed a little, bitty E-bay habit during that time. I have some cool stuff now and a beautiful new ~~cheap~~ wardrobe, but it caused him to develop a great big bad attitude because, really, Je-sus wants the women to submit to their husband so how dare you? To keep the peace I've been paying the charge bills since this summer (which also happen to have the groceries he eats, the clothes his kids wear, the car repairs, you know). As of yesterday I am completely broke of the money I saved since I started working again in 2010. It's sad that in twelve years of teaching I only saved $28,433. So yes, blew through it all and not all of that was E-bay related.

ADD Moment: I applied to teach in Florida recently, thought maybe I'd do summer school there. Um, they pay $25,000 a year with a Masters. You don't get to complain about school closures and mask mandates and your kid's lazy teacher while that is still going on.

So as I was seeing that 0 balance in something I was hoping would help me ~~get away from years of negativity~~ retire, wondering what would happen if I or the kids actually needed something my chakras aligned with a thought: What WILL happen if I don't charge anything else this year. Yes. Year. I am working three jobs and get paid pretty little BUT I can use this time to save. It was kinda nice not going into the supermarket during "it". Ditto, Target.

Don't get me wrong, I love Target. And Dollar Tree. And goodness gracious that Marshalls! But they are bad news for me. Let's not mention Amazon. Ebay? I think I'll miss you most of all.

So.

This is something new I am going to try. I doubt it'll cure the negativity, but at least I'll be able to replenish a small savings ~~just in case.~~

I don't think I'll discuss that here. This began for the kids and I want to mostly keep it that way. If you wonder that will be here:

For Richer, For Poorer

I'm the latter now, the husband is the former.

Ez

2022-02-20T12:47:00.005-06:00

Today is my sweet Schmoo-Schmoo Ezra's birthday.

This picture was taken on his last birthday. 2012. I can't believe it's been ten years without him.

I swear he hung on so long because of those kids, things were better when he was here. Jacob didn't handle his death well and, really, neither did Derick. He cried more that day than he did when his mother passed five months later.

He was a pretty fantastic dog, just saying.

Anyway, my kids are either grown (Jacob) or about to be (Adam) or old enough to decide her childhood was absolutely horrible (guess who?). On a long road trip a few weeks ago they started reminiscing about Max and Ruby and Schlitterbahn and how none of them eat waffles with syrup because I never allowed it when the discussion took a turn. According to their memories their dad stopped liking them in 2013. Right around the time the dog and the mom died. Hmmmm.....I never really noticed it but they may have a point. I know he loves his kids but it was around then that he started to check out. I mean, who could blame him? But now, what do I do with this information about the feelings they have been harboring? What could I have been doing for them then instead of obliviously going on with life?

So.

Ten years. Eventually I'll have more about that time. No one has been abused or scarred but now I can look back and see where I didn't always make the best choices for us. The past is the past and I won't dwell on it, but it effected them. More than I thought.

Happy Valentines Day......

2022-02-14T08:51:00.003-06:00

Ah, life. It gets in the way of so much doesn't it?

I can't believe I ever had the time to do this everyday. With three kids under 5 at that. Yay sad, anxiety-ridden, friendless me!

It's Valentines Day. We don't really celebrate it now that the kids are way too old for class parties and a pack of Skittles doesn't do it for them anymore. I can't say that I miss it. I HATED those damn boxes and the sticky candy found in the bedroom carpet months later. I've been married, what? 22 years now and have NEVER gotten a Valentines gift because it's "just an excuse for stores to make money". Does that upset me? I don't really know anymore. It just is what it is.

Let's just put it all out there, shall we?

It's 2022. I started this in 2005. If anyone new wants to read back around, eh, 2009? I may have complained about my husband a little. Did I blog in 2013? If so, I probably complained a lot. It was somewhere in those years that I realized my husband didn't really like me too much. The rolled eyes, the disrespect, the heavy sighs at everything I said....it was heartbreaking and sad and I was just stuck as to what to do. I used to say I would never tolerate a bad situation, but that is exactly what I did. I had a mentally ill middle schooler, a middle child who was pretty much raising himself, and a baby who thought she should be the center of everyone's world. Not to mention the low-paying ~~full-time~~ part-time job I took just to grasp for a little respect from the husband who stopped respecting me the minute I gave birth and lost my job. Oh, I forget, my job was just a hobby. Yes. That was when I knew it wouldn't last.

Anyway, there I was stuck in a loveless marriage with so many kids with so many issues I couldn't even begin to sort. At one point he told me he wanted to leave and be happy by himself and I actually begged him to stay because I couldn't imagine working full time and probably then some to just barely get by on a shitty teacher salary and still be able to be there for my kids, most specifically, Jacob. He was not in a good way during those years. So. I did what I thought was best for them and lost all respect for myself by not only slamming the door on his ass on the way out, I asked him to stick it out as well.

Thats when I went numb. Oh, I loved my kids, loved teaching, adored my friends and our time together, but being home was weird. It was like the kids and me and the guy that lived with us.

It still is.

You see, Jacob may be an adult and for the most part out of the house, but I have two more bringing up the rear. Three more semesters for Adam, a lot for Elizabeth.

It's been years and we have made it comfortable and I have to be honest and say sometimes fun, but that lovelessness is still there no matter what is said and where I thought I could do it until I died so my kids could have an intact family until we died, I am unsure now.

I am hoping to bring the blog back. Where it used to be, oh-my-word THESE KIDS! SO HARD! SO TIRED!, maybe some young (yep, old now....senior discount at the Good Will!) mom will find herself in a similar spot and google and find this and just know....someone gets you and where you are.

There is so much more I haven't told ya'll in so very long. I miss the online support, probably could have used it much way back when. Is that a thing anymore?

Bear with me, I am sure it will be a slow start. I am working three jobs with one day off and teenagers have so much to do......If you feel love today embrace it! Don't feel sorry for me, I am happy today. Really.

I mean, how could I not be?

Seriously though? Can you believe them? Where did the time go?

Facing My Fear Head On

2021-02-22T11:13:00.002-06:00

Can you believe this?

16 years old!

If you go to the beginning of my blog he was 9 or 10 months old.

Like this....

He'll leave for college in a little over two years. Oy, my heart.

I need to write a birthday post but I have so much to say and my mind hasn't organized it yet.

Anyway, I will tell you this: Adam caught the COVID.

I knew he would. When this started and we were racing through the Denver airport last March to catch our unmasked flight and he asked me why people were getting upset about "a little cold" and I told him he probably didn't need to worry about it but his dad and his grandparents and me did and he scoffed and pulled his best Donald Trump Its a China thing impression I poked him in the shoulder and said, "Well, you'll be the one to give it to us, mark my works, MARK MY WORDS!" and he laughed at me.

He apologized driving home from school where he had begged me through text to come and get him because he was SICK, so SICK. I was sure he was giving me the business and forgot to complete an assignment or he and the girlfriend (ugh, she's the worst, another story) had another break-up (think there have been 12 so far). He wanted me THAT MINUTE to take him to be tested and I REFUSED! Last spring I would have raced there. Cymbalta. It's the best. Anywho, This was Monday on Wednesday he hadn't been awake more thank maybe four hours a day so I figured let's bang this out and, sure enough, he was POSITIVE.

Some kid at lunch who never sat with him ever before, sat with him on January 29. On February 1 he had plugged sinuses and congestion, the next day a very slight cough and only for that day. On February 2 his head hurt, REALLY hurt. On February 3 he could not taste and that's when I sorta, kinda freaked out a little. We went through a drive through, I touched his filthy nose swab with my fingers to help him put it in the big biohazard bag to send off. Never even had another thought about doing that because I was SURE he was negative. He must only have a sinus infection because, you know, I had that the past two weeks, don't you remember? You inherited the crappy sinuses and recurrent migraines just like me, don't sweat it little dude, we're all good.

I almost threw up when I got that text above.

But by February 5 when we got the results he felt fine, aside from the lack of taste that had gotten worse. So the rest of us got the earliest test we could and we were all negative. Today is February 22 and none of us have felt sick since although I do wonder if maybe gave it to Adam because our symptoms were the same almost to the letter but I don't go out anywhere. Maybe Elizabeth caught it at school and gave it to me and she was never sick? She is constantly in my face, it could happen I guess. I can't find anyone to give me an antibody test so I just have to wonder now. I feel fabulous now. Again, Cymbalta is the best. The best news though, my parents got the first dose of the vaccine during this time. We had a "little" winter storm last week so hoping it doesn't push back their appointment for this Friday for the second dose. We will wait three weeks and then see them again. Of course I guess Adam can see them now, I stil don't really understand all the rules.

Have any of you had "it"? Have you gotten the vaccine? At first I thought I wouldn't get one but my parents, so far, have had no problems with it. I want to work again next year. My boss is starting a kindergarten at her preschool. I want that job. I can't wait to get my call. I have no problem wearing a mask out anywhere for the rest of my life if I have to, I just want to have dinner with people again and not worry about my parents so much.

2021....

2021-02-12T12:25:00.002-06:00

Kiss it 2020!

So much for a weekly post.

If anyone is even reading this, sorry to leave you hanging.

Let's see....what went on the rest of the year.....

They cancelled my most wonderful time of the year in June (my PCB vacation). I spent the entire month of July with my parents. It was awesome. We did absolutely nothing and I couldn't have been happier with the exception of losing my mind every time my dad went to the supermarket. August: Adam started football and it was nerve-wracking but he did well. September: kids did online school, Adam still went to football we went to the beach for my birthday with friends. October: Kids went back to school in person. I actually needed them to do that. They weren't doing well online and I needed some alone time. November: Went back up to the lake for Thanksgiving. Spent $6.000 online for Christmas gifts. My husband is still mad about it. December: My sister came for Christmas. They got tested first so it wasn't too stressful. Adam and Elizabeth were quarantined due to exposure most of December so we were able to enjoy ourselves and not worry too much.

Oh....the best thing ever.....I went on the maximum dosage of Cymbalta in May for depression and anxiety. I feel like myself again and I mean myself as in my 2000 self. I should have done this years ago. I don't think I would have made it through without and also without him:

Have mercy, I cannot believe we got a puppy. It's a long story. Maybe I will get to it one day. Let me tell you, though, I love this sweet baby with every fiber of my being. I needed him so much more than he needed me.

I mean, how pitiful.....I couldn't say no. I actually committed to adopting him before ~~asking~~ telling my husband.

His name is now Apollo. I hate that name. I wanted Zeke or Marty Bird but no. Adam got to choose because he is ~~supposed to be~~ Adam's dog. He is absolutely, without a doubt MY dog. I have never been away from him....he goes with me everywhere which is actually harder than you think with a 70 pound dog. Of course I don't really go anywhere, just to the store to pick up my curbside groceries but still.

There's much more to tell but,again, going to try the weekly thing again.

Wish me luck.

71

2020-05-18T09:03:00.001-06:00

It still feels like it should be March. Like we just got off that plane and back into our non-vacation mode and starting it up again. School. Work. Sports. I should totally be getting out the all the Noah's Ark stuff for that theme we were having the week back. I didn't go to work that last Friday, took it off so I could prepare for our trip. I didn't even say a real good-bye to my students. I wonder if they even remember me.

Speaking of work.....I love my new boss. I don't know if ya'll remember when I posted how crappy things got at my last place of preschool employment. I swore I would never teach in a church setting again, yet, I sure did. My new boss approached me to just do a one day a week summer class (last summer) and I though, well one day isn't so bad. She begged me to do the fall and I refused but I did substitute. A lot. When that teacher finallly did quit in October I took it so the kids could have stability. I had been there more days than the actual teacher at that point, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Anyway, my new boss.....she is very nice. She loves what she does and she is fair and kind. She has come to my house and social distanced in my driveway three times and always brings me some kind of alcohol. She is taking over an established preschool and wants me to go with her. Six weeks ago I agreed to do that. Today. Not so much. She just doesn't know yet.

I HATE THIS SHIT! HATE, HATE, HATE.

I want to work there in the fall. I really do. I just don't think I can. My sweet neighbor baby was in my class.

I want to teach her again next year and I could BUT I don't even let that sweet face near me. I am SCARED of her. When I didn't pick her up the first time she ran over she ran back home crying. It broke my heart in two. I was on the phone with my mother and she was mortified. "Go hug that child, what could she have?" But that's just where we all are.....I have no idea what she could have. Her dad is still teaching crossfit in the garage. Her brothers don't social distance. Her mother goes to work where one person was sent home with "it" As much as I wanted to let her climb into my lap I was just frozen with fear.

When I talk with my boss here in the driveway about next fall, it all sounds so good and fun and then I realize I am looking at it with pre-Covid eyes. When I think about the actual reality, I can't do it. I want to, but I just can't. She said to me that last time she was over, "You have to be all in, ready to swoop in and hug those babies, they will need it". I nodded. She left. There is nothing I love better than loving on some babies, BUT, I dont' think I will be able to do it. I don't know where these kids will be. I don't know where there parents will go. These are kids. Kids are SNOTTY. And DIRTY. They lick things and put their hands in their mouths and struggle with covering coughs and sneezes. I think I would lose my shit the very first day I walked in and saw them all being perfectly normal children.

So.

Another thing bites the covid dust.

I have a telehealth appointment with Jacob's psychiatrist this afternoon. I need to get a handle on what is left of my life. It's not fair for my children to have to explain to others that their mother cries a lot now. I'll keep you posted.

I saw my mom! She had a glaucoma check on Friday. It was a shit show. They told me she would be the only patient in the office at her appointment time and that was a lie. She sat trapped in the middle of a crowded waiting room with ten other people who waited over two hours to be seen. She drove an hour and a half (as did I) so she refused to leave. Plus they had already done all the invasive, possible virus laced, tests. She is fine, but I pray and pray she didn't get anything from being there. Some woman came out not long after I took this picture and told us we had to leave. I told her she could kiss my ass and she would have to call the police to make me leave. She said she'd call her landlord....whatever. Hence another reason I probably need some sort of meds. I typically don't fight and use the f-word with strangers especially in front of my mother. Can you believe the dumb woman got offended when I ran from her? People in Texas refuse to social distance, you have to do it yourself.

I just want my life back. I want my kid's life back. I want those every Sunday dinners with my parents that I completely took for granted back. I want to HUG people again.

57

2020-05-04T10:43:00.002-06:00

Texas opened this weekend.

Fucking idiots is all I have to say about that.

You will have to really squint or make it bigger if you can but that is Crystal Beach on the other side of the Galveston ferry on Saturday. My friend was there and snapped this picture.

Do you see any social distancing there? Huh-uh, didn't think so. 25% capacity? Bwah-ha-ha.

Crystal Beach is on the Boliver Peninsula. It is a thin strip of land, many places you can see the water on both sides as you drive through. Before this day they had ZERO cases of covid. I am sure these fine citizens probably stopped for food or the use the restroom during their very cramped stay. I am sure we will see Boliver have cases now. It's very sad.

It was a two hour drive to get down to Galveston from here. We are 20 miles away. It's never been as crowded as it was this weekend. I would say 75% of those people would never have gone there on a regular weekend. But, please, go stand really close to a stranger so you can say the government can't control you.

Chances are none of these people will get sick. That's the way it goes isn't it? Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. I am sure some of those assholes down there probably work with Derick. HE will be the one to catch this virus. HE will be the one to bring it to his family. WE will be the ones who get sick. Or, my biggest fear, lots of these morons drove from hours north of here and as they drive home they stop at the only store my parents have access to and cough all over something there and my dad goes in BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT and they catch it and die. They have stayed completely isolated for nine weeks going to the post office twice and the store once and they could DIE because some selfish fuck couldn't wear a mask or just stay in their home a little longer.

I mean, are people REALLY this stupid? I get they are bored. HELL, I am fucking bored but do they BELIEVE the virus went away because the governor said they could have a burger in a restaurant?

My grandmother hated people.

I am starting to understand her a lot more.

45

2020-04-28T08:48:00.002-06:00

Soon we will have spent an entire month (April) having gone no where.

Crazy.

Cases continue to rise in our county, our city, our state but heaven forbid we stay in a moment longer. Texas is opening most everything on May 1 (Friday). We can go see a movie! Eat inside a restaurant! Go to the museum! Might get a virus and die, but what the hell?? Texas is open!

The authorities ask that you wear a mask to cut down on transmission but do want to know what the hell happened? The POLICE FORCE sent out a snarky nasty gram saying they were never going to enforce that and it was unconstitutional! The POLICE! People were out protesting. Over. Wearing. A. Mask. Things have been pretty shitty in our country for a while now but I do have to say, that was the point where I realized people are complete assholes. I just don't understand why someone would be against trying to keep their fellow man well. I am so sad to see this state of our world. The saddest thing is my husband is right there with them. Shit, he'll probably be first in line to get to a movie, any movie. And that, my friends, is where I have some decisions to make. He hasn't stayed a whole day in this house since this started. He makes up shit he has to do just so he can go out. Up to this point his options were pretty limited, but NOW, he can go anywhere he wants, except to get a hair cut. He doesn't care what he brings home to us. He's all, it will be what it will be, if we get sick, if we die, that is God's will but do you know what will likely happen? He will get it and not get sick at all and it will be ME dying. I half wonder if this is part of a bigger plan. Maybe that is what he is trying to do? I know! That sounds insane but he just. doesn't care.

Jacob will be done at college in about two weeks. We do not really know when because he won't tell us, but he REFUSES to stay and do summer classes so he will have to come home. He hasn't changed a damn thing about his life the past nine weeks. He still goes out, he still meets friends, probably still licks poles like he did when he was two. So, I have done everything possible to keep us virus free inside this home yet if it isn't already here buy my husband it surely will get here through my son.

We aren't getting away from it. Just because it's open doesn't mean it's safe. I am more scared than I have ever been.

39

2020-04-22T09:52:00.003-06:00

Well, Texas is reopening this week.

Never said we had smart people here.

Of course, most of Texas has been just going about their business anyway.

I went out for the first time since March 18 this Sunday (April 19). We drove over to my mom's house here in town because my sister bought my mom a damn plant for Christmas and she wanted me to check on it. I could not BELIEVE the amount of cars out. Then we passed the Little Walmart and it the lot was more full than I have ever seen it.

It was hard to be at my mom's house. Especially on a Sunday. Especially on Elizabeth's birthday. Before all this, we had dinner there every Sunday afternoon. I realized then how much I had taken it for granted. I cried a lot. My parents should have been there. We should have had homemade peanut butter cake and barbecue and celebrated together but NO. My parents are four hours away at their other home and it poured down rain and this was the best I could do:

She was surpised. She actually woke up before I did and dressed herself.

We were supposed to go down to Galveston to the Pleasure Pier, ride rides, eat deep dish pizza at Marios and then stay in a beach house over night and miss school the next day!

Well, we missed school.

I cried a lot. This pissed everybody off because it really should have been a happy day but I couldn't help it, this is hard. My child should have a good birthday. She wanted to see her grandparents and she couldn't and we have no idea when we can see them again. SURE, Texas is reopening but this virus isn't going away just because the governor says it's okay. I really don't feel safe going out, especially now that more people will believe it is safe and go out and spread it even more. We haven't even hit a peak yet, more people dying every day, but by all means, go to Hobby Lobby so you can get a new cross for your wall.

There was an ad on Facebook a couple days ago from a Subway restaurant here in town that showed a picture of people standing in line pretty close together (on their phones of course) and stated that they were open, you could come in and order and eat. Really? According to the "recovery czar" (really, that's a thing in Houston) all businesses are curbsude only but here is Subway wanting you to feel all "normal" again. THAT is why this is going to be a complete shit show. No one is going to follow the rules. In two weeks I foresee deaths and cases tripling and these dumbasses wondering why. And I want to know who the hell would risk their own life for disgusting Subway sandwich. I worked there once. Don't eat there. THAT places is not safe any given day.

I just wish this virus would go away. I don't really understand a lot of the political aspects to this, all I see is fear for our health, but my friend, Rosemary, she LOVES that shit and she called me earlier this week. In Texas City, our next town over, many residents in a nursing home there contracted the virus a few weeks ago. It was devastating news. The doctor in charge of treating them gave them all a combination of arithromycin and hydroxychloroquine. All 39 cases have recovered and did so in record amount of time, especially for elderly patients. Why are our politicians dismissing this? Shouldn't we try anything we can? I would love to see more study on this and possibly get to a point that when you get a positive test you get a prescription for both the same as tamiflu. I don't understand why that isnt' happening. Again, I don't understand a lot of these things and I may be missing something but isn't it worth a shot? I don't agree with the president either and I am ready for a change, but shouldn't we put those differences aside and do the best for our country and our world?

I think making deals is a stage of grief.

Maybe our governor is at that stage.

32

2020-04-15T15:42:00.001-06:00

The weather in South Texas has been beautiful. At least there is that.

I bought myself a lounge chair and have been enjoying it in the sunshine.

Those are my daytime pajamas.

I consider myself fairly introverted but I have been needing to feel part of something so I moved my chair out front so I could at least see cars go by (way too many cars).

I just moved it out back again.

Our neighbors are freaking idiots.

I was sitting pretty close to my front door and damn if a lady on a bicycle didn't drive right on up my sidewalk which is TOO CLOSE. She could have crossed the street when she saw someone but, nope. Then there is a man who apparently can't do zoom calls in his home so he stands right out in front of my house to do them. Today he was TOO CLOSE.

I watch people pass each other and no one moves, there are two sides of the street dingbats! Some actually stand out there and chat!

My next door neighbor walked out her front door and instead of using her sidewalk, she walked through my yard to get to her car. She probably walked within three feet of me. WTF?

So I decided it wasn't worth it because seeing these dumbasses just makes me want to move and the backyard seems like a safer place.

How in hell will we function when they say it's all open? There will still be virus.

Safe to assume I am a germaphobe now.

31

2020-04-14T12:40:00.000-06:00

That's a whole month ya'll....

Wow.

Just wow.

I woke up today in all kinds of pain. I have had what I thought was some kidney pain, maybe a bladder infection coming on with my lower back for a couple days. This morning almost my entire body hurt. It is pretty apparent I don't have a kidney infection. It has to be that bed. What is strange is I sleep well up there (until the neighbors wake up). That new pad helps the bed but it is still so very hard and I apparently, in my old age, can't do a hard bed. My sleep number is 30 and sometimes 25 so it's bad.

I am currently washing all the sheets in "my old bedroom" and may have to try again tonight. I really, really don't want to sleep with him during this. I still fear he is bringing it home and I social distance from him here in the house as best as I can.

See?

Spending time together the covid way.

I have even moved to the old recliner because Derick always sits in the good one every evening. It's cloth so probably covered in germs. The chair probably isn't helping things.

Adam needs a hair cut and I can't figure out how to do it. We used to have clippers but Derick sold them for a dollar in a garage sale. Of course he did. They are over $50 on Amazon and can't get them until May. He is losing his mind. He likes to look good. His hair is pretty long.

For him.

Thank God for Marco Polo. My friend Eve and Julie and I just send each other videos all day. Our bad days usually don't sync so we can lift the sad one up when needed. I Facetime my mom every day. She sits in front of a window and the sun coming through washes her all out and I can barely see her but I can see her. Still trying to figure out how to get them some groceries.

Elizabeth's birthday is Sunday. It's going to be interesting. So far we have no plans. Imagine that.

Twelve years ago today.

I feel so sad for all of these kids, all around the world. So much for them to deal with and try to understand.

Her principal called me yesterday, concerned about her lack of initiative. She assured me that we are not alone in this situation, many children are struggling BUT if she fails she'll be doing more online school in the summer as well as forgoing electives to take "Target Language Arts" and Target Math". In other words, remedial classes. I wanted her retained, they refuse. I thought losing her theatre and athletics electives might be just the push she needed but she's still in bed, no work has been done.

I just want to wake up from this bad dream.

What Day is This?

2020-04-13T09:52:00.001-06:00

I think we are on Day 30? Don't quote me on that.

Our life seems so strange, I know it is that way for everyone, but everything was "normal" when we left for Colorado and changed quickly while we were gone. When we returned there was no school, no work, no hanging out. My kids are depressed, I am depressed, my husband seems happy as a clam, but what do I know? He's never been one to show much emotion.

Pre-lockdown my days were like this:

Wake up, shower, wake kids, get them off to school, watch the Today show, teach 2-3 year old three days a week, chat with friends, stop at someplace for lunch maybe hit the grocery store, Check the computer for all the "news", connect on Facebook, clean my house, do the laundry, start supper, take kids to activities, pick kids up from activities, watch said activities, eat supper, watch tv, watch more tv, go to bed. Lather, rinse, repeat most days.

Today: Wake up around 9ish, lie in Jacob's bed and decide if it's worth getting up. Eventually rise because Jacob's window faces our street and our neighbor is still doing cross-fit classes in his garage and they are loud. Go downstairs and disinfect all doorknobs, counters, switches, basically anything I know Derick has touched or breathed on. I no longer turn on the Today show because when I was my anxiety levels were way too high. I do try to catch Hoda and Jenna, they are a little more light-hearted, but usually the television is off. I log onto the computer to check school assignments but I no longer cruise my Yahoo News or anything remotely similar. Sometimes I check Facebook but if there are too many scary ads, nope, it goes off. At the beginning I wasn't eating at all, much less Jersey Mikes Subs and Sonic. I lost ten pounds in two weeks. I am right where I have been trying to be for the past year but I can't put on my two piece swimsuit and go to the beach. Now I am eating more but it's sad. I don't want the things in my pantry and then I feel guilt because my poor parents have no milk, fresh produce, or snacks. Sometimes at this point I might sit and cry. I attempt to nap some days but that never comes. My anxiety and heart rate is too high for this. I do the laundry, mostly just towels now because no one is going to school so pajamas are the only things in the baskets. I attempt to come up with something for a meal, sometimes I am luckier than other times. My kids never like what I cook so I am just cooking for Derick, really. After dinner I used to bathe and then wind down from my busy day but climbing into my adjustable bed and watch Antenna TV (Archie Bunker's Place, Alice, It's a Living, Three's Company) and some days catch the shows I love: Manifest, 9-1-1, The Resident, Chicago Med. Not anymore. I haven't been in my bedroom for over a week. I always took that time for myself, I needed it, my self care I guess. Derick always complained while he watched his own shows out in the living room but, really, most evenings he had chamber meetings or boy scout meetings. Now we usually watch Netflix. Together. In the living room. It's actually kind of nice. Or was until Derick stayed up later than me one night and moved too far ahead on Ozark. Maybe we will find something again after he finishes it.

Its just interesting that what was once so important isn't so much anymore. I play games on Sporcle, it's fun, but I actually brought my computer to Colorado and West Virginia so I couldn't miss a day. The site gives badges for all kinds of things and I couldn't miss because I had to get the 100 day and 150 day etc. It seems ignorant now to even think of it. I was up to 170 days until it went back to 0 last week. I wasn't even phased by it. I haven't even logged in since.

Yesterday afternoon.

Well, late in the afternoon. They slept until 3:30 and I finally decided we needed a family meeting to discuss that situation and, let's just say, I was pretty persuasive. Also, they would do anything to have their internet back.

It was a nice evening. I would be okay doing this again. And again.

Our lives will never go back to normal. Some of those things I will really miss. Some of the changes are welcomed.

Day 25

2020-04-08T08:45:00.001-06:00

I think...

Well, maybe I don't have it. My chest still hurts when I cough but the heating pad helped my back and neck and my temperature went down. Of course I haven't gotten out of bed yet so we'll see how it goes.

Elizabeth's birthday is in nine days. She wants to go to Gammy's for Easter for the egg hunt. She wants to have a party at Miss Julie's with her friends. Not going to happen. She woke up at 6 pm yesterday and went back to bed at 9. It's safe to assume she is depressed. She has done no school work. She signed up to be in Advanced Theatre and has looked forward to it since last year. She was asked to do a video audition this week and she won't. Eh, she'll just take art she said. This is hard on me, I can't imagine what it is doing to them.

Like I said, it is 9:23 and I am still in bed. What's the point? If I stay up here I won't have to go down there and sterilize everything Derick has touched and breathed all over yesterday. I bought many bags of chips on Sunday (delivery) and he stuck his foul hands in every single one last night and one time he even rubbed his nose with the back of his hand first. So much for that. Might as well write his damn name on all of them. I will probably throw them away.

I found this in my files.

I miss those Froggy jammies. I forgot how she always did that with her ear. I don't know why. She kept a pacifier until she was almost five. Yes. You read that correctly. By that time she only had it in bed at night or in the car. I was absolutely okay with it because she was my third child and it made her happy.

In January of 2012 my mother's best friend passed away from breast cancer. Elizabeth was four. They had the viewing/funeral in their hometown which is about an hour and a half from us. My sister still had her Sequoia then so we decided to all ride together for the 5 pm viewing. So. I was conflicted about bringing my children but they loved Mrs. Allemore and I got Derick to agree that he would help me keep them contained to the back of the room. Of course, I grew up with most of the people there and Derick just loves talking to anyone so at some point we lost track of Elizabeth. Then I hear her screaming...."Mrs. Allemore gots no legs" Apparently we lost track of Jacob as well as he had held her up to look into the casket. Whoops. So we usher her from the front and attempt to explain and, well, she was four and got over it rather quickly. We went back to visiting.

After it was over we stopped to have dinner in that town and waited entirely too long for our food until it was well after 10 by the time we started driving the hour and a half home. Elizabeth and I were in the way back of the Sequoia and, naturally, she started to doze off in her car seat but she couldn't find her pacifier. We looked and looked and looked, no pacifier. So I ask her, "did you bring it into the restaurant?" to which she replied, "no, but I took it to heaven" um, what? "you said Mrs. Allemore was in heaven...that house that is heaven" Ahhh......I guess I didn't explain that as well as I thought. "I knew Mrs. Allemore was asleep in heaven so I gave her the pacifier".

To this day I wonder if they buried her with it.

That was how Elizabeth gave up the pacifiers.

Losing It

2020-04-07T12:25:00.000-06:00

Welp, I think I have it now.

Background info:

Two years ago one of my sweet precious students coughed right in my face and I swear I felt the cold virus take hold right at that minute. I spent 57 days in some sort of walking sick. Three trips to urgent care, zpacs, cough medicines, inhalers, oh my. Eventually I pulled a muscle? I dont' know, I had chest pain due to all of the coughing and it was a while before I recovered from that.

Last January I started having a strange feeling in my sternum, similar to the cough pain but with no coughing. My best guess was I had started walking and an exercise video with much twisting so I assumed I did something. For the past year this sternum pain has come and gone and according to Google I must have something called costochondritis. Okay, I can deal with that. Sometimes I take some tylenol if it acts up, other times I can go weeks without really feeling something. I got to a point where I would have to cough a few times to pop my sternum each morning and I was good to go. Weird, I know, but arthritis runs in our family and I figured, I am still getting around okay, I can make it.

This morning I woke up and my chest was hurting more than usual. I coughed as typical and could not pop my sternum but I went back to sleep. I woke up again and this time my back, neck, and shoulders were hurting in much the same way as my chest. Still could not pop my chest which was becoming very disconcerting. Still, according to google I have costochondritis and possibly some gerd backed up in there.

I decided to take a long bath and soak these muscles but it doesn't seem to have helped. I took my temperature earlier and I was at 99.1. I am now at 97.9. Maybe the bath rose my temperature? I am going to hope. I took some tylenol although I have been hoarding the little bit of tylenol I have just in case. I was finally able to find some exercises online to finally pop my sternum but the chest pain is still there. I currently have the heating pad on my back. I am still coughing from last week. Grass pollen is high, it could be that, or dum-dum-dum.....ugh.

Now. I have hypothyroidism and sometimes high blood pressure (no medications) and GERD. Are those serious underlying conditions? I don't know. Nevertheless I am concerned about today's developments. Also, when I start feeling like this I don't understand how we will ever be able to go back to life as we used to know it. Wouldn't we just start spreading it again once we are let loose?

I started knitting again. Maybe that is causing the back pain, I don't have the best posture. Could be that awful bed. Boy I really want my Sleep Number bed back. I wonder if I should find a drive thru testing facility? Or maybe I should just have a drink?

These are not good times for people with health anxiety. No sir.

Over It

2020-04-04T17:17:00.002-06:00

Day 22!

Dare I even say I wish I could go to work. I was so ready for that job to be over but now I want to go there. At least Coronivirus makes you appreciate things huh?

I coughed and coughed this morning. My chest hurt. I had some pleghm in the back of my throat. I was sure my husband had finally brought it to me. I almost threw up imagining how it would all progress until I took a snort of Flonase and seem to be better. I am still scared though. I feel like it is only a matter of time.

The week's assignments are due in 23 minutes. My kids are still in bed. I just don't even care. I know the teachers are doing all they can and I should pull myself out of this funk and help them out but I just can't. The kids fight me, they are angry and sad and upet, they want to see their friends and they blame me. I am the only one here most of the time, they need someone to blame it on. I try to make things fun for them but they are not receptive. I miss them. I miss the sports playing, school going, happy kids from 23 days ago.

I really don't mind staying here in my house. It's the waiting that is killing me. Waiting to see if we get it. When we get it. Will it kill us? Waiting to know when I can hug my mother again.

I slept in Jacob's room last night. Lord almighty is that the most uncomfortable mattress ever made. Maybe that was a lot of the reason he was grumpy all the time. I slept more then they all these other nights combined, I think because I felt safer up there. I ordered a thick mattress pad and hopefully that will help some. I intend to stay there for a while.

Derick went to our local pub/restaurant we love and bought burgers. I was so happy to see some sort of normalcy I scarfed them down before I ever even thought of the ramifications. I sure hope the people in that restaurant are well.

We started watching Tiger King and I was fascinated but Derick found it boring and is now watching something you have to read...while he coughs his head off. Allergies he says, but it's pouring down rain and he hasnt' been out other than to get the burgers.

I sure wish I could go to bed and wake up tomorrow and this all be a dream.

Day....Nineteen?? Fifteen?

2020-04-02T14:02:00.002-06:00

Let me tell you....I love staying in. I look forward to Mondays and Wednesdays, my days off, well, WERE my days off. I may have cranked the music a few times and did a dance alone here on those days. MAYBE.

DAMMIT! I don't want to dance in the living room any longer!

I am lonely.

It's 2:42 in the afternoon and my children are still in bed. YES. I know I need to get a handle over this situation but I also don't want to fight. I do wish they would wake at a timely hour so we could spend some time together. I miss them. Did I say that?

They wouldn't spend any time with me anyway. Adam, the one who has always loved me the most and taken my side in any situation now hates me. He is downright ugly to me the few moments in a day I do see him. He is mad that I forced him to go to Colorado, that he couldn't see his friends that week, and that I still won't allow him to leave the house. He believes I am overreacting to it all and that since he doesn't have it and his friends don't have it, anything I say is a load of bullshit. Nevermind that it is LAW now to stay in, apparently the other mothers are nicer about it.

Elizabeth hasn't done a lick of school work this whole time. She stays away because she doesn't want to hear me remind her of this fact. We usually turn their internet off for this kind of behavior but they have to have the internet to do the school work now.

Jacob has been doing really well since his work has moved online. He is talking about enrolling in summer school. I just hope they have summer school, I want him to stay focused and interested.

I miss my parents.

This was the last day I saw them. We celebrated my mom's birthday. It was February 16. It's been a while. They are running out of food and they live in the boonies so no delivery, no curbside, an hour drive anywhere. I need to get to a point that we KNOW we are virus free and drive them some BUT my husband continues to go to work every single day. I guess making chemicals is essential. He refuses to shower when he comes home, that is ridiculous he tells me. He does change clothes but he leaves them in the closet for me to breathe whatever comes off of them. Two days ago I made some beer cheese and I watched him dip his whole hand into the pot and lick it and go back for more. I didn't really want that anyway I guess. He gets mad if I disinfect behind him so I go to my room most of the time he is here and close myself off away from him and then do it all the next morning. I pray he stays away from the kids. He makes a good bit of money, I understand why he continues to work, he has too. If he quit this job there might not be another one to go back to. Why in the world are grocery workers still there? They can't make more than I did working preschool and if she asks me to go back on May 7 I will have to say no thank you. This is serious shit. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful and grateful and in awe of these people who continue to supply us with our basic needs. When this is over I am bringing all my grocery ladies $100 bills to show my appreciation, I know they have to be scared to death. Derick swears he stays in his office all day and I am still scared to death. These people face germs every person who walks past them, I can't even believe it.

My sweet friend works at an Assisted Living. I am scared for her too. She is doing so much to keep these people safe and happy and occupied but every day another one here has an outbreak. I pray and pray for her and the family she returns home to every evening.

Elizabeth used the last of my hand sanitizer to make slime yesterday. She just doesn't get it. My hands are dry as a bone for all the hand washing. My hemorrhoids are acting up from all the sitting. I drink too much.

Please, everyone, stay inside, don't spread this anymore than the essentials are already spreading it (through no fault of their own).

Week 3

2020-03-30T11:27:00.002-06:00

The days drag on....I know you are feeling the same.

When I quit "that job" two years ago I wanted nothing more than to tinker around my house, organize and clean things, spend some time alone. When I started working again in November I wanted just one more at-home day in the week. Be careful what you ask for.

We are okay. It's been over two weeks since we returned from Colorado so we probably didn't pick the virus up there. It's been eleven days since I went out to that doctor appointment. I feel fine....mostly. Derick continues to go to work everyday. And to Walmart. And yesterday Ace Hardware. That was super important you know, he needed caterpillar repellent for the garden he was going to build ten years ago but apparently it's imperative he do it now. I prop pillows between us at night but what good do they do? He coughs all over them. Then there were the gloves he used to buy groceries that he left lying on the table we eat at. Everytime I feel a cough or a tickle in my throat I am convinced he gave it to me and I, in turn, gave it to my children. I wish to all that was holy that he would stay home but he doesn't. I can't imagine if he worked in a hospital.

It is 12:03 pm and my kids are still in bed. Adam and Elizabeth. Jacob is still in the dorm. I assume he is probably still in bed as well. I talk to him every day and he seems fine but I worry. Anyway, Adam and Elizabeth are sound asleep. They will probably rise between 3 and 4. Yep. Derick is upset with me that I don't wake them earlier but, truly, I just can't handle that fight on top of the anxiety I currently feel. When we first got home I figured they needed the sleep to fight off any germs and now it's just a bad, bad habit. I know I should do something about it but I am not there yet. I am struggling. I am 51 and I cry every day. They are 15 and 12. If sleeping all day and playing video games and watching Disney Plus all night helps them to cope, who am I to keep them from it? Distance learning isn't really happening here. For one, I teach preschool and my kids are way past that curriculum. Also, they want to do everything themselves, my attempts at help are rebuked. Adam must be attending night school because all of his assignments have been virtually turned in. Elizabeth hasn't done a thing all this time. Teachers are emailing me and I do not even have the energy to deal with them, I mean, are they really going to take grades over things they have not taught? At this point Elizabeth will repeat seventh grade. She seems fine with that. Who knows what will happen? Here we are for another month. I can still hear the traffic, the same as it ever was, outside my window. Where are all these people going? I see my neighbor continue to teach his crossfit classes in his garage, many people there all day long. I mean, what good is all that if you catch a deadly virus and die? The one neighbor family who moved in three months after us (12 years ago) who NEVER, EVER go outside are having another big ass playdate with many more than 10 people in the park across the street. I don't even know their names. I would love to take a walk around our nature trail but, all that.

I sat out back most of the weekend. Apparently the tree pollen is high. I am hoping that is all it is. My throat is a little scratchy and I cough when I first awaken in the morning. I somehow pulled a muscle in my back on Saturday and I was convinced by last night it was my left lung giving out.

My husband's friend has been on a ventilator since last Thursday. His kidneys are now failing. The band director at my old high school died on Friday. They are trying to keep my friend's brother out of the hospital because he has had three kidney transplants but his side is hurting like the last time he experienced rejection. Yet. My husband still goes to work. Every week day. And to Walmart. And probably Ace Hardware.

Jacob just called me. He has a headache. I assume it's the new online learning but how do you know? I can't go there. I am afraid to go there.

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think is this must all be a dream and then I remember. I remember where we are, what we are doing, and that tonight might be the night it all finds us.

Pretty fucking pissed off at the dumb ass who thought a bat might taste good and the people selling said bats.

Now I have all this time to do the things I wanted and I just can't do them.

Holy Shit

2020-03-26T11:12:00.002-06:00

WTF is going on with our world?

Let me tell you this crap is no joke for a hypochondriac with anxiety issues. I am scared ya'll!

I cannot believe I flew my family to VAIL, COLORADO right into a hotspot for a fucking vacation!

Sweet Lord, I will never forgive myself if they catch this because I thought it would be fun for them to ski.

I haven't been out in eight days. I wouldn't have gone out then but I had a doctor appointment I thought was necessary (probably wasn't). My kids have not left the house in thirteen days. My husband left the house this morning. He goes to work every day. It is KILLING me. I like to think we didn't catch the virus in the airport two weeks ago and are doing A-OK until I remember, he is probably bringing it to us every single day he walks out that door. I really don't even know what to do in this situation. He doesn't seem to care. I try to stay away from him but then he crawls into bed with me every night and I wake up with his face right in mine and we start the do-I-or-don't-I count all over again.

I can't imagine people working in hospitals. Or grocery stores.

And what is up with people still getting take-out? I mean, you don't know who is cooking your damn food!

Our town highway runs behind our backyard. I still hear the same amount of cars I always have. I hear the radios blaring, people having fun. I still see the traffic update on the news and there are plenty of cars all over town. I see the posts on our town Facebook page or the same people lining up inches away from one another to walk into the supermarket and hoard the same shit they did the day before. I watch my neighbor having a big ass playdate. Outside in front of my house without a care in the world.

WTF....WTF is wrong with people? Why is our country not completely shut down? Why are car dealerships open? Why are restaurants still open? Why can't people eat at home for two weeks? Why can't my husband who insists he stays in his office all day do the same thing at home without being fired?

I haven't seen my parents since mid-February. They are 76 years old. They have cardiovascular issues. I am scared. I don't want to lose them. They are at the lake far away from others but they will run out of food soon. And medicines. They will have to go out. I am scared. I try to play that last time I saw them in my head, just in case. I can't really remember what we did. I am scared.

Jacob is still in his dorm. The call to switch to online school came while we were on that stupid ass vacation so he had to stay. We went to retrieve him as soon as we got home and he wanted to stay. Begged to stay. He is 18. We let him. I wish we had forced him to leave. Now he has been there almost two weeks. I have no idea what he's been doing, where he's been going, who he's been seeing. If I bring him back now there is no telling what he will pass along to us. I am scared. We have had our issues but he is my child. I love him. I want him safe. I am scared.

I hope you all are doing well amid this uncertainty.

Don't be scared now.

2020

2020-03-02T14:56:00.001-06:00

I wanted to post every month in 2020 and now it is MARCH!

I missed this birthday and in two days Jacob will have a birthday. I need to catch up.

I can't believe this tiny baby is 15!

When I started this blog he was nine months old.

The days are long but the years are short.

I want to write something long and meaningful but, my goodness, life.

Elizabeth does golf and track and Adam is doing spring football and track. I tutor once a week and work three days a week. Sometimes in there these people want to eat and live in a clean house.

And sometimes:

Needless to say my anxiety/stress has been through the roof.

I love my current job, love my co-workers, LOVE my boss, but I don't think I can keep doing it next year. Last year when I did not work was the best I have felt in many years. I can't take the medicines they prescribe because the side effects are worse. Currently I have at least one panic attack a day and my hypochondria has convinced me that I'll be dead by the end of the year. I have had a dermatology exam, a mammogram, and have a colonoscopy scheduled at the end of the month. And then there's the coronavirus already in TEXAS! I write this because when I do I see how crazy it sounds but anxiety is a liar.

We are going to Colorado for spring break. I am hoping I can enjoy it.

Adam is fine, BTW. Glue and steri-strips for a week and he's back at it. He passed out due to lock knees during football boot camp and since he was the captain he was at the front of the line hence fell forward onto the gym floor rather than another kid catch his fall. It could have been worse. He'll never do that again.

Maybe I can get that birthday post completed while I watch it snow.

Bring on the New

2019-12-31T09:35:00.004-06:00

Year....

2020, doesn't that sound all Jetsons like?

It was a good year, sort of. When you have a kid with ~~issues~~ "special needs" it is never fantastic but who's year really is? I am going to go with no one and leave it at that.

Jacob graduated so that was good. I reallly didn't think he would do it and he really didn't but thank you calculus teacher for seeing him two points to push him to that point. It probably wasn't ethical but you saw me and you got me and you felt for me (and him) and there will be a special place in heaven for you one day.

We went to West Virginia for a few days and saw a game and introduced Adam to the President....

of West Virginia University.

Before I ever left that town I dreamed of sharing it with my children. They would be as awestruck as I was the first time I saw the Mountaineers take the field, they would tear up at the band's playing of Simple Gifts, they would beg to have their picture taken in front of Woodburn Hall....

Oh well, it wasn't what I imagined but I enjoyed it.

My happy place....I'll be back for good one day.

We saw the Steelers play......

And the Texans.....

And the Astros.....

Yes. We like sports.

We made new friends....

and are finally at that point where you can leave your children home alone without locating a babysitter. It is AWESOME! (this wasn't one of those times.....she insisted on coming and I am a sucker and allowed it).

As much as I swore I would never teach preschool again, well, I am teaching preschool again. I am pretty much doing it as a favor and probably won't be doing it next year but never say never. This is my first time working with two year olds. I also swore I would never do that but I kind of like it. I do miss my free time though and by free time I mean all that time I used keeping my house clean and cooking meals and doing kid stuff. I still haven't finished any of my Netflix queue that was what I wanted to do with my "time off" last year.

My sister moved to Florida and that sucked (hence the new friends LOL) but she hates her job so much she is actively looking for something else back here so it may not last very long.

I am very blessed that my parents are still healthy and self-sufficient. I am blessed that my children are healthy and thriving regardless of their smart mouths and frequent bad attitudes. I am blessed that we have food on the table, a car that runs (19 years old!), a house that is paid off, friends and family who support us. We are blessed to be able to send our son to college and pay for it sans scholarships because Lord knows that isn't happening. Nevermind that he withdrew from two classes without telling us and finished the semester with a 0.5 GPA but, you know, whatever. Hopefully he understands if he doesn't get it together in the spring it's Hello Army, Navy, whichever you want for him.

2020.....I thought for sure I'd be living in a space high rise with a flying car by now.

Happy New Year to all!