Brahsome’s been around for a while, so I might have forgotten if this was on here before. But a friend re-introduced me earlier. This is awesome.

Below is a real email one of my law school buddies received from a fellow attorney in Georgia. I always thought it was weird that 95% of the people I went to law school with were d-bags, but that’s about the percenatge of d-bags I deal with on a day to day basis, so I guess that’s just the nature of my profession. When I first read this email, I thought it was fake and immediately checked snopes with no luck. After my buddy assured me it was real, I forwarded it around to most of the remaning 5% of the legal community. The first response I got was that this dood had to be a swing-cock partner at King & Spaulding, or some other big firm. Couldn’t be further from the truth. A google search revealed a wesbite that might have been created wtih some DOS based system and that he’s a DUI and weed lawyer. Seriously? I would provide further commentary on this loser, but my buddy drops a nice response, broken down in the italics, after the jump. The names have been redacted, although I’m not sure why.

Mr. _______________:

It was my understanding that I had your personal telephone number (which I called and sent a text) and your personal email which went to your blackberry. I would have expected to hear back from you within a few minutes or my call, text, and email. I will let you in on some free business advise. You are far too young and inexperienced to turn off your phone or to take any day off. You should be picking up your phone 7 days a week 24 hours a day if you want to be successful. I am not joking. When I am in Colorado skiing and staying at my second home, I return telephone calls from potential clients every day. On my last trip, it was quite ordinary to return calls for 2 hours after I came in from skiing. This is what successful professionals do. Even in my 15 year of practice, I value every lead and every call. It is more and more competitive out there. With 31,000 attorneys in Georgia, when a client calls, you need to take the call. The client can go on to the next website or attorney on a referral list. Success is earned. 2 out of the 3 times I have tried to contact you, you were simply off work with your telephone off. That is 100% unacceptable. You will be a complete failure in business if you think you can get away with turning your phone off. Frankly, I am appalled that you lack the drive necessary to make something of yourself. You can read this email and think I am some asshole who has no right to say these things, and frankly, I hope you do. That will mean I one less genuine competitor out there. If you have the courage and business sense to take my words as the kick in the ass that you clearly need, then you should pick up the phone and call me to apologize for being unprofessional. It is shocking that I heard from you at 11:00 a.m. Even if you had not gotten the message yesterday, you could have called first thing in the morning. Instead, you send an email at 11:00 a.m. I am shocked that you have sent an email this morning. I cannot understand why a young man with little experience and almost no income would not be available to take on any matter at any time. I truly wonder if this email will be taken to heart or your will take it the wrong way. You need to re-attach yourself to the planet and realize that you have to fight to be successful.

Richard _______________

Mr. __________:

Oh, Dick _________. Good to hear back from you. You must be in receipt of my email thanking you for thinking of me. I see that you’ve copied ____ here. Hmmmm, that’s unusual. I wonder why you did that. Anyway, let’s see what’s up:

It was my understanding that I had your personal telephone number

You do.

(which I called and sent a text)

Well, you did call and leave a message. I didn’t receive a text, but that does not mean that you didn’t send one.

and your personal email which went to your blackberry.

Again, you do have my personal email; and typically it does get pushed to my blackberry. However, I don’t have a record of receiving an email from you, but that could also be on my end.

I would have expected to hear back from you within a few minutes or my call, text, and email.

Wow, that seems a little needy. I mean, I don’t work for you or anything.

I will let you in on some free business advise.

In exchange, I will let you in on some free grammar advice. “Advise” is a verb, an action word. “Advice” is a noun. A person gives or receives “advice”.

You are far too young and inexperienced to turn off your phone or to take any day off.

Now, sir, you have strayed beyond the pale. My phone belongs to me. As such, I am free to turn it on or off at my leisure regardless of my age and/or experience. Further, as I am a partner in my small firm, I am free to take days off at my leisure within the bounds of fiduciary duty.

You should be picking up your phone 7 days a week 24 hours a day if you want to be successful.

Ah, yes, the only actual advice in your missive. And really, it probably is good advice. I do want to be successful, Dick; but, if I had to answer my phone every waking (and presumably sleeping, per your advice) second of my life, I would consider that failure. You see, Dick, for me, any “success” necessarily includes attentiveness to the things which matter most to me. You wouldn’t know what those are, because you do not know me.

I am not joking.

I can see that. And it’s sad. (By the way, if you are joking, this is fucking hilarious and I’m sorry if I’ve offended you.)

When I am in Colorado skiing and staying at my second home, I return telephone calls from potential clients every day.

Dick, you really did not need the dependent clause in this sentence. It is in no way related to your point. Watch: “When I am in Colorado skiing and staying at my second home, I return telephone calls from potential clients every day”. Now watch: “When I am eating fruit loops in my boxers watching TV, I return telephone calls from potential clients every day.” See? It’s almost like you just put the first part of that sentence in to let me know that you have a second home in Colorado, which would be the height of bombastic, impotent pomposity.

On my last trip, it was quite ordinary to return calls for 2 hours after I came in from skiing.

Really enjoying these ski stories, Dick.

This is what successful professionals do.

Maybe, but I would say “That is what SOME successful professionals do.” Other successful professionals come to work, do their work, and then go home, so they can be with their families and, you know, not work.

Even in my 15 year of practice, I value every lead and every call.

Blah, blah, blah. You are self-indulgent, even by attorney’s standards.

It is more and more competitive out there.

Platitude incorporating a cliché.

With 31,000 attorneys in Georgia, when a client calls, you need to take the call.

Hey, I recognize this. It’s the advice. Let me just see if I’ve responded to this yet.

/scrolls up through email, ignores a phone call

Yeppers, here it is.

Ah, yes, the only actual advice in your missive. And really, it probably is good advice. I do want to be successful, Dick; but, if I had to answer my phone every waking (and presumably sleeping, per your advice) second of my life, I would consider that failure. You see, Dick, for me, any “success” necessarily includes attentiveness to the things which matter most to me. You wouldn’t know what those are, because you do not know me.

The client can go on to the next website or attorney on a referral list.

That’s true. And that is a risk that I run, but somehow I don’t think that’s what this is about.

Success is earned.

Do you talk like this in real life?

2 out of the 3 times I have tried to contact you, you were simply off work with your telephone off.

Why didn’t you just go on the next website or attorney on [your] referral list?

That is 100% unacceptable.

Unacceptable to whom, Dick? You? What do I owe you? Seriously, why do you think I would seek your acceptance? Believe me, everyone whose acceptance matters to me will be fine that I did not receive your call.

You will be a complete failure in business if you think you can get away with turning your phone off.

Maybe. I hope not, but maybe. You know what I won’t be? That windbag who wanders around bloviating into a Bluetooth while his fucking friends are over watching a game.

Frankly, I am appalled that you lack the drive necessary to make something of yourself.

/rubs temples, takes sarcastic hat off

FUCK YOU!!!! YOU PRESUMPTUOUS FUCKING FUCK!!!!! YOU REALLY THINK NOT FILLING IN FOR YOU ON ONE FUCKING CALENDAR CALL LETS YOU, RICHARD _________, KNOW THAT I, SAM _________, LACK THE DRIVE NECESSARY TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF. GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A SOLDERING IRON.

/puts sarcastic hat on (Trust me, its going to be better for both of us. I think I nearly had an aneurism.)

You can read this email and think I am some asshole who has no right to say these things, and frankly, I hope you do.

No, you have every right to say these things. Yes, I think you are an asshole.

That will mean I one less genuine competitor out there.

Yeah, you can rest easy on that one, champ. Guess its one down, 30,998 to go.

If you have the courage and business sense to take my words as the kick in the ass that you clearly need, then you should pick up the phone and call me to apologize for being unprofessional.

Yeah, I guess by now, you’ve probably figured that’s not going to happen.

It is shocking that I heard from you at 11:00 a.m.

If that really shocked you, I can probably stop writing, because your head has exploded.

Even if you had not gotten the message yesterday, you could have called first thing in the morning. Instead, you send an email at 11:00 a.m.

I did not get the message yesterday, which almost seems beside the point now. I sent you an email as soon as I got in the office. Again, as I mentioned, I do not work for you. As such, I do not have to work the hours you would like. Just to give you an idea (and save you an angry missive or two) here are some other examples of people who do not have to work whatever hours Richard ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬___________ would like them to:

Tiger Woods
Benjamin Netanyahu
Tyler Perry
Justice Antonin Scalia
Carlos Zambrano
Verne Troyer
George Soros
Trisha Yearwood
Mauricio Milani “Shogun” Rua
Pop duo Captain and Tennille
Rush Limbaugh
Tim Duncan
Morgan Freeman
Kate Quigley (“The Dog Lady”)
Arthur Blank
Kim Kardashian
Dean Koontz
Abe Vigoda
Ellen DeGeneres
Eddie Vedder
Marine Capt. Abraham Sipe
Sarah Palin
DeAndre Cortez Way a.k.a “Soulja Boy”
Michael Shur
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
Everyone not named Richard ___________ (and some who are)

Here is a list of people who should work whatever hours Richard __________ wants:

Richard ____________.

I am shocked that you have sent an email this morning.

Are you really shocked by these things? Here is the screenplay I wrote for a short play called Richard ________ checks his email in the morning:

ACT I, Scene 1

Man in business suit (R_) enters office.

R_: What!?! Gah! Oh My God!!! Help!!!!!! Help Me!!!!!!!!!!

Secretary (rushes in): Dick what is it?

R_: What the fuck is this?!? What is it!?! It’s just so, so shocking!!!!!!

Secretary: Oh sweetie, that’s an ant. Let’s just get this out of here for you. (Squishes ant in napkin/leaves office)

R_ (opens email): /scanning

R_: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secretary: *sighs*

I cannot understand why a young man with little experience and almost no income would not be available to take on any matter at any time.

You are right that I do not have a wealth of experience; but how the fuck did you make the leap to “almost no income”? Oh right, presumption. Ass.

I truly wonder if this email will be taken to heart or your will take it the wrong way.

Well, I have spent a lot of time on it…

You need to re-attach yourself to the planet and realize that you have to fight to be successful.

I’ll tell you what, buddy: Why don’t you do whatever the fuck you want; and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want? Keep your advice to yourself. How about that? You smarmy, arrogant cocksucker.

Big thanks to The Piler for hosting.

Via Spencer Hall — who chronicles your appropriate reaction to these here — and the Daily Swarm comes a goddamn goldmine of 1984 Prince rehearsal tapes that are the awesome. I suggest you spend, oh, the next 45 minutes of your day watching. We will (and yes, they’re all embedded after the jump).

What is it the kids say? TI-TAYS? Something like that. Either way, the added bonus here is that you can pick up this magazine at your local newspaper/magazine shop and no one’s going to shake their head like they do when you try to get in and out of there before lunch with those five copies of Barely Legal. No, sir — people will look at you with this fine piece of softcore porn and say things like “My, what an astute intellectual that young man is!”

If you don’t know about Yacht Rock, you might want to learny yourself up about Yacht Rock. Then, you’ll be able to fully appreciate the genius that was Mikey McDs. He’s 58 years young today.

At least according to this college student on Jeopardy last night.

No idea how to introduce this other than Thanks, Troy.

We all sneak pr0n at the office, usually on accident. Then again, we don’t all work in a place that may or may not be filmed for the evening news.

A blizzard’s a-comin to the R-ball, so seemed right to give a couple versions of Cole Rain and Snow to get your through the weekend. The first, with Tony Rice and Peter Rowan, has graced these pages before, and is sick-gnar at a minimum. The second is from MSG 1980 Halloween, and is s’nigh. Enjoy.

That’s right kiddos! Time travel can be yours for the low, low cost of $4839. Bonus: no layover! In case you’re curious, you can find this by searching for one-way flights out of Australia to LAX on September 22, 2010.
(Click to embiggen)