2. Surviving junior high.

3. Owning your dance moves.

4.  Being kind.

5. Your relationship with your parents. It may not be perfect, it may be the farthest thing from perfect but it’s yours. And whether you are still working on making your relationship better, there was a point that you tried to make it better and that is brave.

6. No longer feeling ashamed of your hair in high school. It was the style!

7. Voting in the last election.

8. Knowing all the words to the rap song ...READ MORE]]> 1. Turning down that guy that everyone loved but you.

2. Surviving junior high.

3. Owning your dance moves.

4.  Being kind.

5. Your relationship with your parents. It may not be perfect, it may be the farthest thing from perfect but it’s yours. And whether you are still working on making your relationship better, there was a point that you tried to make it better and that is brave.

6. No longer feeling ashamed of your hair in high school. It was the style!

7. Voting in the last election.

8. Knowing all the words to the rap song that no one else knows the words to.

9. Leaving. The unhealthy relationship, the bar before last call, the job that doesn’t serve your intent.

10. Knowing the difference between “they’re”, “their” and “there”.

11. Using your signal lights when driving.

12. Telling one person what you might be too scared to tell the world.

13. Not succumbing to the poncho trend.

14. That purchase that was juuuust a little bit over your budget but something that you absolutely loved.

15. Knowing how to take a compliment.

16. Not smiling when you heard that karma was curb stomping your nemesis.

17. Doing your taxes. Because doing taxes sucks.

18. Warning your friend about the creepy guy that everyone talks about being creepy but no one is brave enough to talk to your friend about.

19. Crying while watching “The Land Before Time”. It just proves that you are human and not a robot.

20. Admitting to being scared. Or admitting to being so brilliant you scare yourself.

2. I skipped the Grammy Awards because I don’t need another ...READ MORE]]> 1. I don’t drink smoothies. I mean, I WANT to drink them. Every person I know raves about them on the daily. But let’s face it. I’m lazy as hell. And smoothies involve peeling and chopping and slicing and giving a fuck. Smoothies are like, french braids or completed crosswords done in pen. You want to show off that you’ve completed it but there’s a level of effort involved that no one wants to talk about. I slice a lemon into my naglene and think I’m channeling Eric Ripert.

2. I skipped the Grammy Awards because I don’t need another reminder that my music tastes stopped evolving during the early 90′s.

3. I never answer my phone. Ever. I have a weird, deep seated fear that it’s going to be bad news. And I’d prefer all bad news told to me through a voice message, or even better- a text. Given the amount of legit panic I feel when my phone rings, you’d think the last call I answered was Pee Wee Herman calling to deliver the news that Rush Limbaugh masturbates to my picture.

4. I missed the day in school where they taught you how to not be horribly awkward around members of the opposite sex who show interest in me. The more interested a guy is in me, the greater the chance is that I’m going to a)blurt out something highly inappropriate  b)spill something hot, red, toxic or sticky on myself and/or c) run. Literally. I have ran away from men trying to talk to me before.

Line forms to the right, gentlemen.

5. Every morning I take an anti-depressant. Every morning I wonder if I need it. Every morning I remember what happens when I wasn’t on it. I have a fleeting moment of panic thinking of where I was, followed by a surge of relief remembering where I am today. And then I thank Jesus for pharmaceutical companies.

6.  I believe in karma when good things happen to me. When bad things happen to me, I assume I just am unlucky. This belief systems keeps me sane (and paying for the coffee the person behind me at Starbucks orders).

7.  My pinterest fitness board consists mostly of lists about workout songs I haven’t downloaded.

8.  I really love Tom Cruise.  And I don’t care if you don’t, but if you trash him to me- we are going to have heated words and I may unfriend you from all social media outlets.

9.  I’m maintaining complete ignorance regarding vine and I feel weirdly smug about this.

10.The best 15:26 you will spend today will be watching this.  Yes. That’s 15 minutes. Yes, I know that’s a long time for something on the internet (other than shirtless Gosling photos) to hold your interest. But I promise, it will be worth it.  It’s moved me deeply and inspired me greatly. You deserve to let it do the same for you.

I mean, isn’t that what it ...READ MORE]]> I went through a phase in my early teens when I was obsessed with jury selection (I mean, who DIDN’T have that phase?) and read every book possible on the topic. This was after the OJ Simpson case and I was convinced that the right jury would have REALIZED WHAT EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY KNEW. I became an expert on how to spot liars, identify psychopaths and establish who wants to wants to chop off your head and use it as a soup bowl so I was convinced I would be up for online dating.

I mean, isn’t that what it really is? Identifying who is crazy and deftly avoiding them as you dive into a murky pool hoping to connect with Joe Fox?

One month into online dating and I can tell you this- no amount of prep work on murders, manipulators or molesters can prepare you for the experience of online dating. Thirty-four days in and I’ve gone on two dates. The first date was bearable but not great. The second man who I went on a date with is slowly becoming a legend for all the wrong reasons.

I am here to tell that story.

It started off all wrong. I had been legitimately busy each time that *David had texted a potential date night. We ended up talking on the phone/texting/emailing for two weeks prior to meeting. (Never do this. It sets the bar way to high and you end up having all these inside jokes that do not translate when you meet and it’s nothing like you expect). I had become increasingly nervous as the date approached. David was kind- but he was almost too kind. He talked to me like we had been married for a dozen years and he knew my favourite type of ice cream. At first it was endearing but after awhile it got worrisome as he mentioned trips we could take later in the year and asked me what kind of milk I liked so he could make sure he had room in his fridge.

Naturally, I did what any single woman in her 30′s would do when nervous on the first date. I paid off the waitress and proceeded to get mildly drunk before he arrived. At 1pm on a Saturday.

He showed up wanting a hug and I had a blue tongue from my tropical margarita. The closer he leaned in, the farther I leaned back. He slid his short fingers across the table to grab mine and I quickly crossed my arms. Don’t get me wrong. David was a nice guy. One of the nicest guys. He has a three legged dog and woke me up each morning with a text message about having a great day. I appreciated these things about him but the idea of holding his hand made me want to curl up into a small ball and hope that someone kicked me into traffic.

I wasn’t feeling it. And worse, the less interested I tried to appear- the more David enjoyed me. I turned into the worst version of myself, picking battles with him like we were ideological opposites on a political talk show. I compared his appreciation to coffee into a caffeine addiction (he said he’d quit). I renamed his beloved dog (he said he liked my name better). He talked about how he didn’t like people who had complicated drink orders (I made sure to make my next order 8 syllables long). I finally asked him what was something he hated and he said “Nicolas Cage”.

So I became a Nicolas Cage fan.

Take a moment and just think of how hard it would be to do that. Nicolas Cage is universally disliked. It’s like saying you like AIDS or car accidents or Ann Coulter. No one likes these things! And yet- I became someone who did. I raved about Nicolas Cage like it was my  job. I flailed my arms, I pounded the table, I got watery eyed as I talked of how National Treasure was an American classic.

And in the end, David agreed that Nicolas Cage wasn’t that bad. And I knew David wasn’t the guy for me.

Our food came and I ate silently thinking of how I had made the classic mistake of telling David I had no other plans for the day. No other plans for the day meant I had no excuse to leave. And I had to leave- being able to sway someone on Nicolas Cage was the last straw. I ate my sandwich sadly, slowly picking off all the bacon and putting it to the side of my plate (I dislike bacon. I know, I’m a weirdo. Let’s still be friends). David happily chomped through his meal, eating the bacon off my plate- his eyes smiling the whole time in a way that would make Tyra proud.

The waitress came to clear the table and I threw my dirty napkin on my plate. A small pile of greasy, cold bacon still lay congealed in fat, surrounded by leftover stubby fries and the tomato garnish that no one eats. As our waitress stacked the dishes and turned to walk away, a lone strip of bacon slid off the plate and landed on the dirty lounge floor. I watched as the waitress kneeled over to pick it up and just before she could- David snatched it from the floor and happily threw it into his mouth.

He ate bacon off the floor.

Bacon. Off. The. Floor.

I was reminded of the time I walked in on my parents having sex. You are so utterly shocked by what you have witnessed that you can’t scream or shout or whisper. There are no words for the horror that your eyes have witnessed and instead, all you feel is every happy feeling leaving your body with a realization that you are changed forever and not for the good.

David smiled as he grabbed the rest of the greasy bacon, from the plate still in the hands of the horrified waitress and started talking about what movie we should go see. Although I was sure my eyes had correctly witnessed him eating food off a carpeted floor, I had to confirm in case I was hallucinating. He nodded that he ate the bacon off the floor and chirped “5 second rule!”.

I quickly went into overdrive. During one of his 23 bathroom breaks, I begged for help and a good friend began messaging me a serious “cat emergency”. And then to further provide evidence that I needed to leave immediately, I also told him my friend Amber had broken up with her fiancé. I actually was crying at this point. He walked me out to my car, rubbing my back and when he tried to kiss me I replied with “Nope!”.

I started my car and put my head down as I felt tears slide down my cheeks. I wasn’t crying over the failed date. I wasn’t crying over the idea that dating was going to be so much harder than I anticipated. I wasn’t crying over losing my soul and pretending to like Nicolas Cage. and I wasn’t even crying over the fake wedding break up or the imaginary lost cat.  I was crying because I was disappointed in myself. That my years of studying humans had not prepared me to spot the man who would happily eat animal fat off of a dirty pub carpet.

* Names have been changed to protect the floor bacon eaters.

I was once very angry. Not outwardly angry- not slash your tires angry or kick the wall with your boots on angry. I wasn’t even punch a pillow angry. I was anger turned inward- a soul crushing sort of inner angry that manifested itself through debilitating depression that left me unable to get out of bed and at times, suicidal.

Well that was one hell of an opener. (I promise, it gets more light hearted…).

The hows and whys of how one gets ...READ MORE]]> If you don’t know me or haven’t followed my blog, you may not know this about me:

I was once very angry. Not outwardly angry- not slash your tires angry or kick the wall with your boots on angry. I wasn’t even punch a pillow angry. I was anger turned inward- a soul crushing sort of inner angry that manifested itself through debilitating depression that left me unable to get out of bed and at times, suicidal.

Well that was one hell of an opener. (I promise, it gets more light hearted…).

The hows and whys of how one gets to that place are as unique as each person and so are the ways to get out. My cocktail for survival has been a mixture of therapy, time, musical sing-a-longs and medication.  But my goal was never to just simply survive that time, I wanted to come out better for it. To live through a war like that makes you a survivor, but I wanted more. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to come out stronger, to prove to myself that the hell I went through was for a reason. And as much as I love what sing-a-longs and therapy do for me, I knew they weren’t going to be enough.

Today? I feel a lot of joy.

I use the word ‘joy’ on purpose because ‘happy’ feels to small. “Happy” doesn’t stretch to all the places I feel a level of grace, appreciation and giddiness over my life. Outwardly, my life is very similar- I have the same job, live in the same place, deal with the same stress. But inside? My insides feel like they have been taken out- repaired and polished, allowing me to be me- but at optimal performance. Along with my “cocktail for survival”, the following 5 things helped me.

1. I stopped multi-tasking. Cold turkey. Not only did multi-tasking leave me feeling frantic, I completed everything to a level I was never happy with. Perfection might be the enemy of the good but knowingly doing a half assed job is the enemy of happiness. My happiness. So I quit talking on the phone while marking math tests. I stopped trying to pay bills online while walking Macy. I walked away from the dishwasher while also trying to watch a documentary. If something was worth my time, my effort- it was worth 100% of it. Or none of it.

2. I used to be in a constant competition with everyone in my life. Of course, no one knew it but the internal dialogue I had with myself as I tried to measure my success against others was exhausting and always negative. And while I was wasting time beating myself up for not being where others were? They were using their time to be where they wanted to be. At school I always tell my kids to keep their eyes on their own paper during an exam. We talk about how when we cheat- when we try to look at the work of others, we cheat ourselves. And as one student pointed out, you could always be copying down the wrong answers. I teach my students to work hard and have faith in their own abilities. I started doing the same. I’m worth believing in myself, rather than risking it all by copying someone else. 

3. I began revelling in my joy. When I was happy, I let it sink in. I marvelled at it. When is the last time you let yourself sit in your happiness? Instead of thinking of what could go wrong, I allowed myself to reflect on everything that had gone right. I gave myself permission to be happy over every damn thing that deserved it. There was no minimum requirement that was needed to receive appreciation. A great tomato sandwich? Hallelujah!  New magazine in the mail? Why yes, I did hug it tightly!  Lengthy email from a dear friend? Cue the parade! Eventually I was that smug asshole smiling at the red light at 8 am on a Monday morning.

4. I kept it real. Some days the tomato sandwich didn’t warrant a dance party. Sometimes I felt a dark, sinking feeling creep in. Instead of panicking or denying- I accepted that yes, today was a shit day. I would call a friend, go for dinner, send an email and recognize the shittiness of the shit day and let it be. I did not allow myself to keep that feeling to myself. I did that before and eventually it became bigger than me and I was too scared to talk to anyone. I knew better now. I made a conscious effort to start fresh each day. I checked myself on the drive to work- “am I allowing yesterday to ruin today?” and if I was I planned to do something that would lift my mood as soon as I got to work. (More often than not, ‘lifting my mood’ involved googling “unlikely animal friendships”. I recommend.)

5. I learned from Susannah. In the best movie of all time (no questions or debates allowed on this), “Legends of the Fall”, the ridiculously beautiful Susannah (played by Julia Ormond) tells Tristan (played by Brad Pitt at his most knee buckling time- lookswise) “I’ll wait for you. However long it takes. I’ll wait for you forever.”. As a teen, and later as an adult- I thought that was what true love was. Sacrificing yourself, giving up your time, waiting endlessly for the man you love to return to you. I remember actually saying the lines with Susannah and letting myself cry while watching because OMIGOD THAT IS HOW LOVE IS. Except it’s not. Not at all. You know how I know? Susannah kills herself. Because no one can wait forever. And no one deserves to have to wait forever. Realizing that someone who loves me will do everything they can to be in me life, THAT is love. And letting go of those who prompt me to want to pull a Susannah, well that’s self preservation. I realized this and although it hurt, hell- it STILL hurts, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as laying in bed wondering how I can get up.

Susannah, girl- you needed some therapy, medication and good friends to remind you that you didn’t need Tristan to rock your life. Years later, you could have written an old timey blog (I think these were called letters) to your friends revelling in your joy and giddily sharing how you survived those dark times.

You deserved that.

We all do.

What are your never fail strategies for getting through a rough patch, bad day or serious depression?

My wish for you:

“I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.” ―Neil Gaiman

On feelings

- “Can’t walk when I’m this angry.”- @HonestToddler

- “You’re just a feeling.”- @PreschoolGems

- “After Cinderella’s carriage turned back into a pumpkin, it was turned into 10,000 pumpkin spice lattes so everyone was fuckin’ thrilled.” – @AngryBFlay

- “I’m learning to drop my fear of being earnest. We’ve been taught to mock earnestness, but it’s truly a lovely thing.”- @schmutzie

” ‘Razbliuto’ is a Russian word to describe that empty feeling you have for someone you once loved, ...READ MORE]]> I know the best people on the internet. These are my favourite tweets of the entire year. Drumroll please……

On feelings

- “Can’t walk when I’m this angry.”- @HonestToddler

- “You’re just a feeling.”- @PreschoolGems

- “After Cinderella’s carriage turned back into a pumpkin, it was turned into 10,000 pumpkin spice lattes so everyone was fuckin’ thrilled.” – @AngryBFlay

- “I’m learning to drop my fear of being earnest. We’ve been taught to mock earnestness, but it’s truly a lovely thing.”- @schmutzie

” ‘Razbliuto’ is a Russian word to describe that empty feeling you have for someone you once loved, but no longer love.”- @UberFacts

On awesome:

- “How do two people just continue to come up with brilliant ideas? IT’S NOT FAIR TO EVERYONE ELSE.” – @jamievaron

- “Same-sex couples should be able to get married.”- @BarackObama

- “That’s it. Shut it down. Somebody wrote the best book ever.”- me after I read Island of the Blue Dolphins.” – @thelindywest

Big Dreams & Practical Plans

- “Mostly I hope I get the chance to say “you just made a very dangerous enemy” before I die.” – @karahaupt

- “I honestly feel that life owes me a baby giraffe.”- @amberadrian

- “Here’s how I became successful. I started hanging out with people who had accomplished something, asked how and did it.”- @adamcarolla via @Weegee

- “I just want to learn everything about everything.”- @doniree

- “I’m currently freezing most of them so the giant container of them doesn’t give my kitchen that classy ‘eating contest’ vibe”- @kylaroma

On being single

- “I’m sort of ambivalent about it at this point. Yeah, I like cuddles but my life seems really full right now.” – @alana_margaret

On wise words

- “OH: If I fall off this chair, I’ll be on the ground. I can’t fall off the ground.” #BiSC @tara_lane

- “Dont be the same, be better.”- @Epic_Women

- “You might want to sit down for this. No one cares about your wedding planning.” – @JordanAshleighF

- “Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card.”- @ameenamarie

- “$45 for a dress at Old Navy? Playa please.”- @tara_lane

- “I’m excited for you, dad. You’re about to go on an adventure.” Boom. My brother nails it. – @amberadrian

- “As soon as anyone starts telling you to be ‘realistic’, cross that person off your invitation list.”- John Elliot”- @SmartPrettyAwk

- “Just read and loved this: “You will be held accountable for every blessing you did not thoroughly enjoy.” – @LesleyG

- “People who don’t understand what “Reply All” does: IT’S NOT THAT HARD. THIS IS THE EASY STUFF. LIFE ONLY GETS HARDER FROM HERE.” – @12minds

- “Went down to the beach to watch the sunset. My path home was lit by fireflies. Thanks for being magic, world.”- @amberadrian

- “This week’s memoir: How to Hemorrhage Your Disposable Income by @clareyt”. -@clareyt

- “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” – @ANNELAMOTT

On the election

- “For what it’s worth, I mailed my ballot with a Hogwarts postage stamp.” – @andreaki

- “I yell-asked my computer: “Wh won the debate!” and Mike responded, “The American People!”-@LittleLeafAsh

- “Joe Biden is my spirit animal.”- @andreaki

- “I sometimes think Mitt Romney learned human from Rosetta Stone.” – @bengreenman

“Gentlemen, PLEASE…”- Jim Lehrer, at 3:12am, as Romney begins his recounting of the plot of PRACTICAL MAGIC. #debate” @pattonoswalt

- “I feel like Brian Williams is the dad that just told us all to shut the fuck up at the slumber party.”- @socarolinesays

- “If you hit the mute button, it looks like Romney is holding everyone hostage.”- @StevenAmiri

What were your memorable tweets of 2012?

I keep trying to find positives, to talk myself up into a good mood- then I feel regretful, as though by marvelling at the deliciousness of french toast or singing to a good song on the radio, I’m not showing enough reverence and respect to how the world currently stands.

To what has happened.

Which then makes me feel guiltier than before.

It’s a vicious cycle of feeling low, then building up to a good mood then feeling guilty about the good mood. Eventually I crawl into ...READ MORE]]> I know I’m not alone in feeling like Life is heavy these days.

I keep trying to find positives, to talk myself up into a good mood- then I feel regretful, as though by marvelling at the deliciousness of french toast or singing to a good song on the radio, I’m not showing enough reverence and respect to how the world currently stands.

To what has happened.

Which then makes me feel guiltier than before.

It’s a vicious cycle of feeling low, then building up to a good mood then feeling guilty about the good mood. Eventually I crawl into bed with some granola and a fervent wish to stop feeling. Period.

But eventually I run out of granola and I remember that no one ever grew stronger by lamenting on how weak they feel. Change doesn’t come by just voicing your wish for it. I remember that moving on doesn’t mean you aren’t showing respect- sometimes you have to get up off your knees, stop praying and start doing something. Like donating to causes that support the prevention of gun violence and that support those who struggle with mental health issues. Like taking time on a Sunday night be thankful for what still exists, however superficial it might seem.

Ten Things That Are Good

1. My family. As dysfunctional as we are, they are mine and I am theirs and together we would create a reality show that would make the Kardashians seem tame.

2. Any animal in a Halloween costume.

3. Coconut in any form. I like it in my shampoo, on my yogurt, in my chocolate, slathered on my legs. Is there anything better than this miracle food?

4. My job. As an elementary school teacher, I have the best job in the world and wouldn’t trade my career for anything. (Even if I got offered a full time gig as an tequila ice cream taster). It’s immensely satisfying and my kids are the most brilliant, engaging and inspiring people I know. I cannot wait to go to work tomorrow.

5. Macy Beyonce Lyman (Also known as the best dog in the history of dogs. Also known as the sole reason I have an instagram account).

6. My friends. Whether I see you daily, weekly, once a month or once a year- I know the best people. The texts and phone calls and emails from my friends are always full of wit and charm, empathy and brilliance. I’m thankful every day for the people I know.

7. Quotes that keep me going. A few that I’ve repeated to myself lately:

- “What matters the most is how well you walk through fire.”- Charles Bukowski
- “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.”- Pema Chodron
- “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. What the world needs is people who have come alive.” -H Thurman
- “It’s not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are.”- Roy E Disney

8. The daily practice of saying three “I am” statements. This has changed me tremendously by altering the daily inner dialogue I have with myself. I’m learning to be less Regina George to myself and I couldn’t be more grateful.

9. Thai food. Especially Thai food that involves squid as long as you don’t tell me it’s squid when I’m eating it.

10. Homeland & Scandal. The two television shows that make me feel every feeling. Okay, and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. WHATEVER.

What is good in your life right now?