Breakfast with the Beak

Episode 117: Movie Pitches

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 11:30:45 +0000

We've pitched some movies on the show before, but only when we were distracted from the topic at hand. Now we've been asked to come up with them on purpose, and it goes about as well as you'd expect. There are sweater-eating monster-men, superheroines embracing middle age, and big smiley hippo masks, and we expect [...]

Episode 116: New Jersey

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 11:37:29 +0000

New Jersey is unfairly maligned, and we're interested in figuring out why. Kind of. We're also prone to distraction. But in between fanciful stories about trains, we manage to get some actual work done. Whether we're exploring the thrilling world of commuting or debating the relative merits of undergoing major surgery just to ride a [...]

Episode 115: Dildomancy

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 11:39:37 +0000

Hoo boy, we are violating some terms of service this week. It's not entirely our fault, though; sometimes the topics just get weird, and we have to go along with it. Are we studying a previously unknown school of magic? Debating the role of handcrafted marital aids in ancient civilizations? Inventing something that we guarantee [...]

Episode 114: Five Guys Burgers and Fries

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 26 May 2013 11:33:32 +0000

This week, we finally get a chance to play amateur restaurant critic. Yes, we've been asked to talk about one of the fastest-growing chains in America, and maybe eat there if we don't have anything else going on. Will we like it enough to find something nice to say? Will we read the nutritional information [...]

Episode 113: The Big Bang Theory

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 19 May 2013 11:34:34 +0000

To be clear: we're talking about the show, not the actual theory. And we're not fans. The question is, does the problem lie with this show specifically, or with the broader failures of traditional sitcoms? Or with you, the ungrateful, unpleasable fans? This one is for everyone who's been waiting for us to take a [...]

Episode 112: Battleship Potemkin

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 12 May 2013 11:37:13 +0000

You kids just love sending in those movie topics, don't you? Well, we're happy to oblige, because that's sort of our whole gimmick. And this week, we're going all the way back to 1925 to watch a film that is basically the progenitor of all modern cinema. No big deal. Marvel as two men who [...]

Episode 111: Rodent Pizza

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 05 May 2013 11:35:33 +0000

Oh goody, it's another one of those titles that don't make sense. This time we actually explain it, and I'm happy to say we barely talk about any of the horrors it implies. We do talk about them a little bit, though. So just tough it out, and you'll be treated to wild stories about [...]

Episode 110: Underwater-Based Settlements

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 11:34:21 +0000

Living under the sea sounds cool, right? I mean, as long as it's safe. And nobody goes crazy. And there are no Gungans around. So maybe it's not such a great idea after all. But we investigate the subject anyway. That means playing politics with the Little Mermaid, following a lawless privateer to the Snork [...]

Episode 109: Garlic

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 11:36:27 +0000

Garlic! It's tasty! So tasty we can barely be bothered to talk about it. Not when serious newsmen are looking at their phones and swamp hags are lying to peasants. And when we do talk about garlic, it's mostly in relation to vampires. So give this one a listen if you want to hear some [...]

Episode 108: WWII UFOs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 11:33:54 +0000

We horn in on the History Channel's turf by talking about stuff that's probably not true, but totally involves Nazis and aliens. Were the mysterious lights that followed World War II fighter pilots just boring old natural phenomena, or were they something more sinister? Can you prove they weren't? Maybe they're flying saucers launched from [...]

Episode 107: Hobo with a Shotgun

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 11:34:12 +0000

Another movie? Well, you folks asked (unintentionally), and who are we to refuse you? We're looking at the little parody trailer that grew up to be a real live exploitation flick, and celebrating the best and worst of 1980s film tropes. Cartoonish villains, cartoonish punks, and a disturbingly real protagonist (speaking cartoonish dialogue) come together [...]

Episode 106: Buying vs. Leasing

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 11:33:13 +0000

Should you buy a car or lease one? We don't know. We take the subway. Should you mow your neighbor's lawn for some extra money? Possibly. We aren't sure. Do we know how mortgages actually work? Kind of. We've read articles. Should you buy a sweet van with a wizard painted on it? Emphatically yes. [...]

Episode 105: Ketchup Bottle Strategies

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 11:36:14 +0000

Well, we lost control of this one quickly. What began as a discussion of the best way of getting ketchup out of the bottle quickly spiraled into utter madness. Chinese history is mangled, Bill Cosby is ignored, and the world's best condiment-based screenplay is outlined in an episode that borders on physically exhausting. There are [...]

Episode 104: The Oogieloves

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 11:28:51 +0000

It's our Second Anniversary Spectacular, and we've just watched The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure - arguably the most insane film ever made, and definitely the biggest box-office bomb. We've got an extra-super-sized episode focused obsessively on the minutia of this cinematic masterpiece, from frisky appliances to wobbly cowboys to weirdly offensive llamas. What [...]

Episode 103: Mandy Patinkin

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 11:34:36 +0000

It's another celebrity guest show, minus the guest. But even though we don't have Inigo Montoya himself in the kitchen, that doesn't mean we can't talk about him. And we do, to a point. We also talk about Russian punk rock, Andre the Giant, Hollywood comebacks, and a cereal so delicious that to taste it [...]

Episode 102: Google Glass

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 12:34:23 +0000

Google wants your eyes! Specifically, it wants to put a tiny screen in front of your eyes and then use it to tell you what street you're on or something. Honestly, it doesn't sound that great. Will this technology replace the Bluetooth as the mark of douchebaggery? Will it enslave us, like Riker in that [...]

Episode 101: Whither Canada?

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 24 Feb 2013 12:30:22 +0000

Whither Canada indeed! In 1969, the good people at Monty Python's Flying Circus asked that question, and then proceeded to blow everyone's minds. We look at that first episode, but mostly we get distracted and talk about the finer points of sketch comedy, and how to prevent your show from sucking. Tune in to learn [...]

Episode 100: The Pina Colada Song

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 17 Feb 2013 12:34:34 +0000

If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain, if you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you like making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape, then listen to this episode. And even if you don't like any of that stuff, there's still something here for [...]

Episode 99: Underwear-Based Settlements

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 12:31:47 +0000

Honestly, we're not really sure what that title means. As a matter of fact, we're so confused by it that we spend this episode flailing around for an answer. We end up accepting hypothetical bribes, humanizing historical villains, debating the origins of magic undergarments, and making a surprising number of references to a movie you [...]

Episode 98: Tom Cruise

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 12:36:50 +0000

Tom Cruise! He's handsome! He's disturbingly cheerful! He is the master of his own fate! But how is he at acting? We've been asked to evaluate Tom Cruise's best and worst films, and that mission leads us on a path that runs from triumph to despair, from Kubrick to Cocktail, and right into the danger [...]

Episode 97: Legos

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 27 Jan 2013 12:35:50 +0000

Legos - or Lego bricks, if you want to get specific - are more than mere toys, and we're pretty sure we know why. It's an adventure through the world of rapid prototyping, amateur robotics, DIY drones, miniature ice hotels, and, for some reason, sea monsters. Basically all of those things relate to the topic [...]

Episode 96: Beans!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 12:31:05 +0000

Beans! Somehow, that's our topic. And it's not that it's a bad topic, but where exactly are we supposed to go with that? Trading recipes? Talking about botany? Drifting off topic and just making stuff up? Probably that last one. So listen if you want to hear about soy conspiracies, coconut vampires, imaginary birds, and, [...]

Episode 95: Akira

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 12:34:03 +0000

Akira is famous for being a very confusing film that lots of people have seen anyway. But what happens when one of your hosts is fresh off his first-ever screening of it? Will he have any idea what he just watched? Will his bewilderment seem a little too familiar? Will there be strained comparisons to [...]

Episode 94: Best Places to Live

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 06 Jan 2013 12:32:43 +0000

What's the best city to live in? What does that even mean? Does it mean a city with a reputation for being cool? One where the booze is cheap and plentiful? Do we have to limit ourselves to places that aren't fictional? Is it a good idea for a podcast host to give himself a [...]

Episode 93: Topic Roundup!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 12:32:10 +0000

We get a lot of topics here at Breakfast with the Beak HQ, and we don't always get around to them in a timely manner. Well, never fear! We're wrapping up 2012 with a marathon of never-before-discussed topics, from discontinued ice cream flavors to confusing questions about fabric dyes to automotive puns. Did we use [...]

Episode 92: Sombrero Man

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 23 Dec 2012 12:36:40 +0000

It's a couple days before Christmas, and you know what that means? No one's listening! So it's time to squander all that good will we've built up by doing a show centered around dumb inside jokes, exploitation of the homeless, and Doktor Socksenberg. It's better than it sounds! Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download [...]

Episode 91: Last-Ever Apocalypse Special!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 12:30:08 +0000

All right, people. We know you like sending in apocalypse topics, but this is the last one. We're making it count, though! Not only are we teaching you some useful skills for the end of the world, we're getting you ready for next week's Mayan apocalypse. It's a tale of unpopular gods, 7th-century PR campaigns, [...]

Episode 90: Penguins

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 09 Dec 2012 12:38:16 +0000

Dude! Penguins! They're great! I have nothing else to add to that; penguins are great, and we're doing an episode about them. Can penguins dance? Can they ride the bus? No, but they don't need to, because they've got impeccable posture and slide around on their bellies. And if you're not into that, we have [...]

Episode 89: Deserted Islands

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 12:37:13 +0000

According to popular culture, people get stranded on islands all the time, but what does it actually take to survive on one? We don't actually know. Still, we're pretty sure TV writers haven't gotten it right yet. So join us for a tropical adventure full of friendly parrots, sinister shark-men, and Robinson Crusoe's weirdly casual [...]

Episode 88: Houseboats

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 12:38:43 +0000

It's a boat... but it's also your house! And we can barely believe how awesome that is! We're finding out just what it means to be a man of the sea, riding dolphins and staging illegal clown fights in international waters. So put on your captain's boots, read up on maritime law, and join us [...]

Episode 87: Sleep vs. Caffeine

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 12:38:35 +0000

Ah, the eternal struggle: take a nap, or drink some more coffee? We don't exactly come to a definitive answer, but we have all sorts of terrible advice for you. So don't sleep until you're actually tired, don't trust the TV if you aren't fully awake, and don't let anyone tell you that Ron Popeil [...]

Episode 86: Pop Culture Blind Spots

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 11 Nov 2012 12:33:34 +0000

Every so often, you discover something -- a book, a song, a movie, whatever -- that you love. And then you realize you could have gotten into it years earlier, but didn't. And now we've done a whole episode on that phenomenon, because the election is over and we can go back to talking about [...]

Episode 85: Election Special

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 04 Nov 2012 12:35:51 +0000

Election Day is right around the corner, so we're devoting a whole show to what really matters: getting in a few last shots at Mitt Romney before it stops being funny. Plus, we've got a round-up of all the important issues of our time, from Chris Christie's fleeces to lingering resentment over the Star Wars [...]

Episode 84: Mockingbird Lane

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 11:32:08 +0000

Hey, remember back in episode 48, when we wondered how, just how anyone could reboot the Munsters? Well, it turns out NBC took our advice, or the advice of someone like us, and the end result didn't suck. So... you know, watch us react to it. Look, it's pretty funny, and it's a rare chance [...]

Episode 83: Medieval Torture Practices

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 11:31:26 +0000

This week, we really earn that iTunes "Explicit" rating. Why? Because we're describing the horrors of the Inquisition in graphic detail. And it's really horrifying, and not exactly the best source of comedy. So if you've ever wanted to see us visibly uncomfortable, you're in luck. Also, I think we defamed a forgettable actor. Subscribe [...]

Episode 82: Who Killed Doctor Sex?

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 11:33:04 +0000

Have we got a weird one for you this week! We might not know who killed Dr. Sex, but we know who wrote a book about it. Kind of. It's a tangled web of Australian trade law, composite authors, old-time radio serials, and dangerous dames with secrets they'd kill for. Seriously, just look at all [...]

Episode 81: Bacon

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 11:36:29 +0000

Bacon! It's not just a food, it's a meme! But is it possible to still love salted and cured pork products when you're sick of all the jokes? That's what we're going to find out. And while we're on the subject, why not guard your house with a wild boar? Why not enjoy some jellied [...]

Episode 80: No Turn On Red Signs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 11:31:25 +0000

What is the deal with No Turn On Red signs? Am I right? No, I'm not. Once you learn about this history of those signs, they actually make sense and we're stuck filling time with a conversation about the value of faking a disability. Plus car wash prophets, life lessons from the other Dr. Dre, [...]

Episode 79: Ragnarok

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 11:34:59 +0000

When it comes to the end of the world, the Vikings win. While other cultures were content to just let their gods sit around doing nothing, the Norsemen brought them all back for one last world-destroying hurrah, and now every other religion (and TV show) wishes they could go out with that level of badassery. [...]

Episode 78: Paper Cuts

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 16 Sep 2012 11:36:16 +0000

Paper cuts! Are you freaked out yet? You should be. But don't worry; we take this extremely unpleasant topic and make it tolerable, mostly by talking about Honey Boo Boo, hypothetical emergency chainsaw scenarios, and the subtleties of ninja costuming. Basically anything but the topic itself, because ugh, paper cuts. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via [...]

Episode 77: Family Reunions

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 09 Sep 2012 11:35:18 +0000

Like everyone else, we have families, and we can't always avoid them. But why settle for family togetherness when we can talk about violent children armed with sofa cushions and shoes? Seriously, that comes up. As do terrible mashed potatoes, limerick parties, and trails of grease all over your mother's nice floors. If nothing else, [...]

Episode 76: Bear Attack!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 02 Sep 2012 11:39:09 +0000

All right, we've got a really stupid one for you this week. Have you ever wondered about bear attacks? Probably not. They're pretty straightforward. But someone asked, so we're telling you everything we know about life in the Bear Kingdom. Somehow we ended up reciting semi-obscene poetry and devising the greatest prank of all time. [...]

Episode 75: Chain Mail

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 26 Aug 2012 11:35:18 +0000

Centuries ago, chain mail kept your ancestors safe from swords. Nowadays, it's mostly used to make really impractical costumes. So where did it all go wrong? The answer involves fantasy swimwear, hunky adventurers, weresquirrels, and the collapse of the Global Brony Conspiracy. You know you're curious about what the hell any of that means. Subscribe [...]

Episode 74: Dinosaurs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 11:33:07 +0000

This week, we've got an unusual request: lie about the extinction of the dinosaurs. Creationism, science fiction, alternate universes, we cover it all. We also debate what pheasants look like, chat with imaginary penguins, flip out about mini pizza bagels, and play a 100% illegal Pussy Riot song. Take that, Putin! Subscribe via RSS Subscribe [...]

Episode 73: Kirk vs. Picard

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 12 Aug 2012 11:37:12 +0000

Oh, that's right. Someone finally asked us the ultimate nerd question, and we're ready to throw down. As it turns out, we're kind of conflicted. Does Kirk's impulsiveness really make him cool? Is Picard's dedication just a lingering after-effect of an early trauma? Would you trust either of them to be the designated driver if [...]

Episode 72: Fast Food Ads

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 11:36:27 +0000

Why doesn't the burger in the ad look anything like the actual burger you get at McDonald's? We're trying to find out, even if it means subjecting ourselves to varnished burgers, plastic sushi, and inexplicably waterproof towels. Whether you're sending robots to Mars or just trying to make your competitor's chicken look gross, this episode [...]

Episode 71: Opening Ceremonies

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 29 Jul 2012 11:31:22 +0000

The Olympics have started, and we noticed! Sure, the games themselves have barely gotten underway, but how about those opening ceremonies? We got to see muddy peasants, belching smokestacks, a giant Voldemort puppet, and stupid, stupid Matt Lauer! Did we like it? Are we excited? Is Matt Lauer really as stupid as we think? Download [...]

Episode 70: New Words

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 11:38:56 +0000

We rely on dictionaries to tell us which words count as real words. So how should we react when they decide to add bits of internet slang to the canon? Turns out we're mostly in favor of it, and we have some really good arguments that we stole from other people. So don't worry; your [...]

Episode 69: Tiny Dogs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 15 Jul 2012 11:38:33 +0000

Do tiny dogs feel restricted when humans carry them around in purses, or do they just consider it a fun ride? That's the question that led us on a journey through the world of miniature canines. Tune in if you've ever wanted to know about terrier combat, teacup elephants, or the prejudice that dachshunds face [...]

Episode 68: Supervillains

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 08 Jul 2012 11:32:18 +0000

Are certain careers more likely to lead to supervillainy than others? The comics would certainly have us think so, but are they telling the whole story? Are billionaires, scientists, and mutants the real threat? We have some theories, but first we need to work in some more Mitt Romney jokes. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via [...]

Episode 67: Billy Corgan

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 11:38:28 +0000

A question about an especially tenacious rocker leads us into a referendum on the music of the 1990s. We ask where and how innovators go wrong, whether it's worth it to play anything off the new album, and why "interesting" isn't the same thing as "good." If you're feeling nostalgic, or just want to brush [...]

Episode 66: Porn and 40s

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 24 Jun 2012 11:37:45 +0000

You know how we discuss topics that people send in? Yeah, sometimes that backfires. Sometimes they submit something weird and uncomfortable. And you know what we do? We talk about celebrity sex tapes, stupid college party games, and the Golden Age of Poop Jokes. Seriously though, this was awkward. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes [...]

Episode 65: Waiting In Line

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 11:37:11 +0000

Waiting in line. It's annoying, it's tedious, and we're stuck with it. We explore the best ways to game the amusement park system, the polite chaos of urban crowds, and the inevitability of presidential politics. Plus, we analyze our dreams, design the Goodtimes family crest, and scream in high-pitched southern accents. (P.S. We're hosting the [...]

Episode 64: Dragons

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 11:38:55 +0000

Ever feel like raising your own dragon? Well, don't be too hasty. These are dangerous mythological creatures, and humans don't exactly have a lot of experience with them. Still, we're pretty sure it'll work the same way it does on TV. We're also pretty sure we know which dinosaurs we'd want to ride, why ostriches [...]

Episode 63: Donuts

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 03 Jun 2012 11:37:08 +0000

We all know donuts are delicious, but do they hold any deeper meaning? What do they tell us about ourselves, our traditions, and our future? Turns out, kind of a lot. We discover what these delicious anytime snacks say about America, how they can save or ruin Christmas, and where they fit on Satan's spreadsheet. [...]

Episode 62: Trading Card Games

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 27 May 2012 11:35:36 +0000

Oh look, we're talking about something nerdy. Yes, we're returning to the well that's been so good to us so many times in the past, and this time we've brought collectibles, and a lot of questions. How many trading card games do we, as a society, really need? How can you make a balanced game [...]

Episode 61: Admiral Ackbar

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 20 May 2012 11:35:08 +0000

Admiral. Fish-person. Internet legend. Such is the wonder of Admiral Ackbar. You're probably sick of seeing his sea-monkey-looking face and hearing his catchphrase, and we're sensitive to that. We like to think we've found new depths to his character, and to the entire Star Wars universe. And Indiana Jones, and Captain Kirk, and while we're [...]

Episode 60: Real Superheroes

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 13 May 2012 11:38:16 +0000

Normally I try to write a jokey little post here about how we couldn't stay on-topic. Not this week. We talk about the real people who don super-suits and clean up the streets, and I don't feel any need to joke about this because it's awesome. Trust me; you want to listen to this episode. [...]

Episode 59: Door-Holding Gone Wrong

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 06 May 2012 11:36:08 +0000

How exactly can door-holding go wrong? All sorts of ways! Maybe there's a tiger on the other side of the door or something! But even if there isn't, you're walking into a minefield of nostalgia and chivalry every time you hold a door for someone. If you want to survive, and maybe learn a few [...]

Episode 58: Asteroid Mining

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 11:33:14 +0000

Right now, on Earth, a group of billionaires have gotten together and decided we should extract resources from asteroids. And they're building a spaceship to do it. Yes, it's a topic so awesome that we didn't even bother picking it at random. Learn all about who's involved, what they're doing, why it rules, and whether [...]

Episode 57: Hybrids

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 11:38:10 +0000

Hybrids! It's a kind of car, but it's also a sciencey word for abomination! And if there's one thing we love here at Breakfast with the Beak, it's an unholy mutant squawking for our attention. Join us on a whirlwind tour of the world of genetic engineering, from the humble mule to the mighty spider-goat! [...]

Episode 56: Fruit Snacks

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 11:35:30 +0000

Fruit snacks, am I right? They sure do come in some crazy shapes. At least we think they do; we haven't really kept up with them since elementary school. So the show mostly ends up being about the Titanic, Kim Jong Un, and our ongoing back-and-forth with Jay V Mail. Come for the show, stay [...]

Episode 55: CHOOSE YOUR OWN DYSTOPIA!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 11:38:41 +0000

Oh, that's right: this topic was submitted in all-caps. And we decided to go with it, because it's a topic that demands the caps lock key. We can choose any totalitarian hellscape we want! So naturally, we decide to talk about Easter candy, behind-the-scenes publishing-world gossip, and alternate titles for John Carter. Oh, and the [...]

Episode 54: The Muppets

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 11:38:32 +0000

How has no one asked us about the Muppets until now? And how have they never come up during any of the times that we've drifted off-topic? In short, why isn't everyone constantly thinking about the Muppets? We can't answer that, but we're happy to answer just about any other Muppet-related questions our fans might [...]

Episode 53: The Slang Used to Name Soft Drinks

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 11:31:10 +0000

Season Two kicks off with what is easily one of the weirdest topics we've ever received. So of course we had a lot to say about it. How are soft drinks named, and who makes these decisions? Whatever happened to those big kegs of McDonalds orange drink? Why would we ever apologize for last week's [...]

Episode 52: Community Chest! Collect $200!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 11:36:56 +0000

For our season one finale, we got trolled again. A clever fan has exploited the topic-suggestion system, and we decided to go along with it because it was pretty funny, and it gave us an excuse to talk about Monopoly. Where lesser broadcasters would simply wax nostalgic about the little Scottie dog, we focus on [...]

Episode 51: People Who Suck at Twitter

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 11:31:41 +0000

Twitter. You use it. You've probably even read some good stuff on it. But guess what? Some people have no idea what they're doing on Twitter. They're misspelling, abbreviating, going over their character limit... it's downright unsportsmanlike! Oh, and a lot of them are just spamming you because they want to win an iPad or [...]

Episode 50: Home Cleaning Tips

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 12:37:31 +0000

This week, we got an offer from a company that wanted to sponsor a topic... and it immediately fell apart, and we wound up discussing the topic for free like a couple of chumps. Which means you get your household cleaning tips without any pesky advertisements! You'll learn why you should never let cows into [...]

Episode 49: Shopping with Girls

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 12:35:27 +0000

Women be shoppin', right guys? Seriously, we're asking. We aren't entirely sure. Are those men on the benches at the mall really waiting around for their wives, or are they just there for a Cinnabon and a little me-time? And can we stay on-topic long enough to figure it out? Of course not; we need [...]

Episode 48: Danger: Diabolik

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:31:56 +0000

Danger: Diabolik! It's been a long-running comic book, an infamous movie, an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and -- in our overactive imaginations -- a really amazing crossover episode of Archer. And despite all that, you've probably never heard of it. Listening to this episode won't really help you with that, but we do [...]

Episode 47: Midnight Releases

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:37:36 +0000

All right, get the obligatory nocturnal emission jokes out of the way. Done? Good, because that's not what this show is about. This show is about the people who line up on the sidewalk to buy stuff as early as humanly possible. And weirdly enough, we don't judge them. We have no problems with people [...]

Episode 46: Cool vs. Uncool Instruments

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:30:48 +0000

A guitar can make you a rock n' roll god, but in the wrong hands it can ruin an otherwise great party. So how can we learn to spot the difference? Can a musical instrument be inherently cool or uncool? Can a staton wagon? If you pound on a bike helmet, does it really become [...]

Episode 45: Pills

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 12:33:06 +0000

Another week, another Big Damn Question. This time, we're trying to figure out when it's appropriate to swallow all the pills in your cupboard at once. So tune in, because this episode has something to offend nearly everyone. And that's not just marketing bullshit; this episode is actually pretty horrifying. From suicide to British tabloids [...]

Episode 44: The Myth of the Nerd

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:36:03 +0000

Generations of nerds have been told they will inherit the Earth someday, while their tormentors will end up mopping floors and pumping gas. But is there the slightest chance that real life works that way? We plan on getting to the bottom of that, mostly by examining the mediocrity of the world around us. Why [...]

Episode 43: Running with Scissors

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 12:36:25 +0000

Running with scissors. It's the classic childhood safety hazard, and the cornerstone of lazy jokes about mental illness. Are we going to talk about any of that? Kind of. But we're pretty distracted, because the Governor of Mississippi just let a bunch of murderers out of jail for, like, no reason, and that's way more [...]

Episode 42: Truck Nuts

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 11:37:38 +0000

Truck Nuts! Scourge of the highways and back roads of this great nation! A stunning display of virility to one's fellow motorists! Or maybe just some silly crap to stick on your car when your pissing Calvin sticker starts to lose its novelty. Whatever the case, we're going to figure it out and still find [...]

Episode 41: Words That Begin With the Letter U

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 11:34:52 +0000

So many things start with the letter U! For example, "Uhhhhh," which we say quite a few times while we try to work out where the hell to go with this topic. But that's a good thing, because it's New Year's Day, and you don't need too much excitement or noise when you're hung over. [...]

Episode 40: Giant Baby in the Post-Apocalypse

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 11:37:38 +0000

Are we going to let the fact that it's literally Christmas day stop us from posting a new show? Hell no! It's not even a gimmicky holiday episode! No, we're celebrating the season by talking about our big plans for the end of the world, where we will make our living as dashing outlaws delivering [...]

Episode 39: Energy Drinks

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 11:37:21 +0000

Do energy drinks work? Yes they do. Have we done semi-scientific experiments on ourselves using energy drinks? You know it. Do we have funny things to say about this topic? Probably. Join us in a magical world of extreme sports, questionable brand names, flying Englishmen, and rusty washtubs full of malt liquor, and we will [...]

Episode 38: Tim Allen

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:35:57 +0000

This week, some nefarious goings-on have forced us to talk about Tim Allen. What can Tim Allen teach us about modern American manhood? How much can we blame on him? And speaking of manly things, how long before we get distracted and start talking about that Rick Perry video? Have you seen that thing? That [...]

Episode 37: The Zombie Apocalypse

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 11:34:05 +0000

What's your strategy for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse? Sure, you think you have a pretty good plan, but we're talking about it anyway because you asked. We damn "The Walking Dead" with faint praise, pitch a book to that lady who wrote "Twilight," and tell some stories about the weird phone calls we get [...]

Episode 36: Beatles vs. Stones

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 11:35:47 +0000

It's Beatles vs. Stones day, and we're not wasting our time debating who the better band is... we're just putting them in a cage match and letting them fight it out! Did Ringo have Care Bear-style superpowers? What the hell were the Care Bears' powers anyway? When the hell did everyone's suitcases get so big? [...]

Episode 35: Surge Protectors

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 11:38:12 +0000

It's our Thanksgiving Spectacular, and our topic is... surge protectors. Do they work? Yes. With that out of the way, we're free to talk about pretty much everything else, whether that be frozen desserts shaped like real food, the stupid side of faster-than-light travel, or just some big-ass magnets. And if a whole bunch of [...]

Episode 34: George W. Bush?

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 11:29:33 +0000

Wait, really? George W. Bush? This show didn't even exist when he was President! But someone asked, so we're going to examine his stupidity and, more importantly, his legacy. And by 'legacy,' we mean a gaggle of GOP candidates that we're going to single out for mockery one by one. You like that? Yeah you [...]

Episode 33: YouTube Celebrities

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 11:31:58 +0000

What separates a YouTube celebrity from, you know, a celebrity? Do millions of views matter if no one at the party has ever seen your show? Can we relate in any meaningful way to tween culture? These are the questions we're avoiding this week as we discuss what it takes to be a breakout star [...]

Episode 32: Milk

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 11:34:26 +0000

For years, a question has haunted mankind: how the hell did someone first figure out that cow milk was suitable for drinking? We answer that question, and explore the psychology of prehistoric humans, mostly by making shit up. Also, Leonardo da Vinci writes fan fiction about himself, a drinking game turns into a dramatic reading, [...]

Episode 31: Infomercials

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 11:37:28 +0000

Why doesn't your dehydrated fruit look as nice as Ron Popeil's? If that question has been plaguing you for years, you can finally relax because we're going to answer it for you! Travel into the mysterious world of food stylists, learn the truth about "painless" hair removal, and listen to us yammer on about Star [...]

Episode 30: Myths in Old Video Games

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 11:33:23 +0000

This week, we were supposed to talk about the urban legends surrounding the games we grew up playing. And we did for a while. But then we got really, really fixated on a minor character from a 17-year-old game that a lot of you might not even remember. But if you're a fan of a [...]

Episode 29: Jesus vs. Moses

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 11:36:38 +0000

This week, we delve into the world of serious Biblical scholarship as we debate who would win in a no-holds-barred smackdown between Western religion's most revered figures. How does this relate to Hitler's time machine, star-whales, and fruit-bearing Ents? You're going to have to listen to find out, but we promise it will become clear. [...]

Episode 28: Flash Mobs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 11:35:05 +0000

Flash mobs! Zombie walks! Out-of-control young people fucking up your commute! What does it all mean? We don't know, but it's this week's topic, so we're going to find something to say about it. Plus a bit of zombie history, a bit of convenience store robbery, and a lengthy discussion of Max Planck's internet-meme potential. [...]

Episode 27: Ryan Reynolds

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 11:23:11 +0000

How many superheroes should Ryan Reynolds get to play? I don't know, because I am deathly ill and stoned out of my mind on flu medicine. So enjoy that, audience. I'm sure I did, even though I can't remember recording most of this episode. Apparently, I came up with a better way to remake Footloose. [...]

Episode 26: White Holes

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 11:31:59 +0000

This week, we head back into space in search of white holes, where alternate universes may or may not be born. We intend to solve this mystery, even if we have to name-drop Neil DeGrasse Tyson several hundred times. Because seriously, how great is he? Somehow, we also end up talking about Waffle Nazis without [...]

Episode 25: Homer Simpson's Trip to New York

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 11:30:07 +0000

On the tenth anniversary of 9/11, we try to find something funny to talk about by going back to a simpler time: 1997! When Homer Simpson could talk shit about New York, and jokes about the World Trade Center were effectively meaningless! Eventually even that proves to be too much of a bummer, though, so [...]

Episode 24: George Takei

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 11:32:54 +0000

Well, we survived the hurricane, and to celebrate, we're talking about all things Takei, and specifically why George Takei is awesome. And really the whole classic Trek cast. But mostly George Takei, a man who can make the word "douchebag" sound like a velvet sunrise in your ears. We also talk about YouTube a lot, [...]

Special Hurricast Edition: CHUDs

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 11:32:11 +0000

Hurricane Irene is bearing down on New York City, but we're podcasting anyway. Why? Because the hurricane is just a distraction from the true threat: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, or CHUDs to the layman. When the subway tunnels flood, they'll turn their attention to the world of the surface-dwellers, and our soft, pink, surface-dwelling skins [...]

Episode 22: Famous Sock Puppets and Ventriloquist Dummies

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 11:37:27 +0000

This week, Breakfast with the Beak is taking on the topic of famous puppets. So don't worry. You-know-who isn't famous yet, and does not appear in this episode. So join us as we burn off all the Tim Pawlenty jokes that we won't get to use in the primaries, and maybe talk about some puppets [...]

Episode 21: Ghosts

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 14 Aug 2011 11:33:09 +0000

This week, we ask whether ghosts are real or imaginary. And we come up with an answer: we need our own TV show. Also, we consider the warlock-to-civilian ratio in America's cities and the uselessness of crime-fighting cartoon dogs, and we remember the life of Bob the Buffalo Hunter. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes [...]

Episode 20: Colors with Weird Names

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 11:35:04 +0000

The public wanted to know our opinions on colors with weird names, so we got out our big box of crayons and scribbled a new chapter in the Book of Grievances. Should kids be allowed to vote on color names? Did scientists make up indigo just so they'd have a better mnemonic device? Will painting [...]

Episode 19: Rainstorms

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 11:37:50 +0000

Have you ever driven in a rainstorm that was so bad that you had to pull over? That's the question we're trying to answer this week, and that fact that neither of us drives won't stop us. We're doing important work here, whether that means revolutionizing the way we teach physical education, or just reviewing [...]

Episode 18: Brain Freeze

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 11:30:02 +0000

Our apartment has been hot as fuck this week, but we've got a topic to beat the proverbial heat! Can we unlock the mysteries of brain freeze? Are we one frozen beverage away from being able to carry on a civil conversation? Do Japanese girl bands really sing about banana chips? Is Tim Pawlenty an [...]

Episode 17: Douchebaggery

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 11:37:14 +0000

The world is full of douchebags, and we're going to find out why. How are we going to do that? The same way we always do: by asking a lot of questions, then getting distracted. What do we mean when we call someone a douchebag? What does Sarah Palin have in common with Viserys Targaryen? [...]

Episode 16: Nikola Tesla

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 11:34:07 +0000

It's July 10, and that means it's the birthday of history's most badass inventor: Nikola Tesla. Whether he was perfecting his crow-hunting technique or soaring above the clouds in a flying machine that he conveniently forgot to take any picture of, Tesla set an example we should all follow, except for the part where Edison [...]

Episode 15: Qatar

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 11:33:26 +0000

Things get off to a rough start this week, thanks to some... confusion regarding my sidekick. Eventually we got it all worked out and really tried to talk about Qatar, but then someone mentioned penguins and it all sort of went to hell from there. Dude. Have you seen a penguin? They're great! Subscribe via [...]

Episode 14: Grad School

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 11:36:36 +0000

This week, we present a public service announcement on the dangers of grad school. Will you find enlightenment and intellectual stimulation, or will you just divide your time between asking your parents for money and asking your professors for money? We're still not sure, because we got distracted by the blinding blandness of Tim Pawlenty. [...]

Episode 13: DOUBLE TOPIC DAY!

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 19 Jun 2011 11:30:34 +0000

Yes, you read that right! Thanks to the trickery of an exceedingly clever fan, we're executing the legendary 2x Topic Combo, and you good folks get to witness it. And why stop at the official topics? Let's talk about sandworms! Or Mr. Belding! Or crazy Schroedinger time machines, which I swear will make sense in [...]

Episode 12: Graffiti

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 11:32:41 +0000

This week, we've been called upon to discuss the fine art of graffiti. And we're ready, whether that means drawing a mustache on a national landmark or accepting an Oscar in a gorilla mask. Also, we somehow get on the subject of bad music. I don't know. Just listen to it. There's a puppet show. [...]

Episode 11: Television

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 11:28:08 +0000

You asked us to talk about television. As in, all of it. And damn it, we tried. We also talked about Mrs. Butterworth, robot doppelgangers, and all the reasons Jeff Goldblum needs to get a houseboat and start solving mysteries. And why the hell not? Most of that stuff would totally work as a show. [...]

Episode 10: Squirrels: Mercenaries of Darkness

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 29 May 2011 11:30:36 +0000

Oh, that's right. A topic so terrifying, we needed two colons in the title. Have we stumbled upon the greatest conspiracy of our age, or does it only exist in the fevered imagination of the listener who suggested this topic? We unravel the mysteries of exploding trees, rodent hallucinogens, and the finest, most exclusive cashews [...]

Episode 9: Rapture Countdown

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sat, 21 May 2011 22:56:03 +0000

No sense waiting for breakfast this week, because there may not be a world to eat breakfast in. We're counting down to the Rapture, and you're invited to listen in. Will the righteous be swept up to heaven? Will we be able to survive in the post-apocalyptic hellscape which surely awaits us? Will the cats [...]

Episode 8: Bits of Wire...

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 15 May 2011 11:35:56 +0000

This week, we get a topic that we don't exactly understand, but we're determined to make the best of it. So if you're a fan of puppetry, cereal mascots, or space travel, you'll find something to like. And if you like horses and horse-themed beverages, you're in for a real treat. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe [...]

Episode 7: Teenagers

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 08 May 2011 11:32:16 +0000

In our latest episode, we figure out just what is wrong with these damn teenagers today. Our findings are inconclusive at best, but we're pretty sure it has something to do with everything being way less convenient when we were young. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3 Suggest a topic

Episode 6: Webcomics

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 01 May 2011 11:30:14 +0000

This week, we dive headfirst into the world of webcomics and struggle to find some kind words for the format. Along the way, we dress pigeons in little janitor uniforms, spend some time on the holodeck with Blondie and Dagwood, and battle hordes of Breakfast with the Beak groupies. As usual, it will make more [...]

Episode 5: Summer Activities

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 10:48:25 +0000

In our latest episode, we shorten a needlessly long topic and wind up talking about all manner of summer fun. Along the way, we encounter an ocean full of abominations, croquet mallets raised in anger, snow-baseball, and the purest moment of joy that Johnny Goodtimes has ever known. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download [...]

Episode 4: The Philosophy of Video Games

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 11:58:55 +0000

In this installment of Breakfast with the Beak, we take on what is arguably the greatest topic of all time: the philosophy of video games.? Join us in a wonderful universe where stealing from townspeople is encouraged, Dr. Wily will never compromise his artistic vision, and ninjas are able to deal with even the most [...]

Episode 3: "Oh My God, What's Wrong With Your Face?"

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 11:37:20 +0000

This week on Breakfast with the Beak, we answer one of history's most enduring questions, "Oh my god, what's wrong with your face?" As it turns out, the answer involves a secret cabal of warlocks, Jedi knights, and Pokemon masters at CNN. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3

Episode 2: Things That Are Green

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 12:56:43 +0000

In this week's episode, we take on an impossibly broad topic: things that are green. Along the way, we'll teach you everything you need to know about chlorophyll, Applefingers, fish farms, and the Great Rat-Octopus Wars of Ten Million A.D. Subscribe via RSS Subscribe via iTunes Download MP3

Episode 1: The Russian Space Program

Johnny Goodtimes and Doktor Heisenberg — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 11:54:26 +0000

Our podcast officially premieres with a discussion of the Russian space program, which quickly deteriorates into a lengthy summary of the Blue Lagoon franchise. Learn all about the Sputnik Show, space-Viking funerals, and Eddie Murphy's inevitable career in Martian cinema. And although we forgot to mention it in the podcast itself, our theme song is [...]