Breanius™

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noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 12:40:00 +0000

My Mom's Fiance

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 06:22:00 +0000

When I say this week's been rough, I don't kid around, last thing I need is my mom's fiance accusing me of using my mom, she's loaned us a lot of money this month, we've said we'll pay her back, and to know that when I asked again yesterday, the desperation of the situation, it hurts to be accused like that.

Snowing, and depressed.

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 00:52:00 +0000

I've been way over-sleeping lately. I've also been having some incredibly weird dreams.

Today I'm supremely depressed, partly because it's snowy and cold, or it could be because I've realized the futility of my situation, and the rate of how slow it's siphoning my soul.

I'm sick of being unappreciated.

I want him to realize what he's done, and how deeply it's affected me, I want him to own up and claim responsibility of them, it'll never happen though. I mean, he still chooses to chat with all those he has been caught with, as though my feelings are still insignificant.

I'm done with proving to him that I should mean something to him, I shouldn't have had to prove that all along.

Why do I keep fighting for something that my heart no longer wants?

Giveaway Awesomeness

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:39:00 +0000

You should totally enter for this giveaway:

http://ejsmomej.blogspot.com/2009/01/tiny-tag-designs-valentines-review.html

Windy Wednesday

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 02:15:00 +0000

The wind's been blowing all day, I'm exhausted, and I really haven't done much today. The list of things I have done are as such, in no particular order:

Woke up.
Got Szandor and Nate ready for school.
Got Nate off the bus.
Did a load of laundry.

See, not much, and somehow I'm still flippin' exhausted. My health troubles may be getting worse, or at least I fear they are, and as to not jinx myself, I shall keep my worries quiet for now, until they're substantiated.

I really need some caffeine, so I'm thinking I may make another pot of coffee, and sweeten it with Splenda (it's either that or sugar, and I'm not big on sugar, and I'm all out of Equal), I totally wish this eternal fatigue would just stop.

Early.

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 12:18:00 +0000

It's way too early to be awake, unfortunately for me, stress always causes funky sleeping patterns.

I might switch over to Wordpress, only to try it out. Now just to ask whether it'd be cool or not. I'm super hungry, but am tempted to combine lentils and spaghetti sauce, even though it'd result in supreme heartburn. I said previously I'd start a blog to track my goals for this year, I still haven't set that up, I don't know whether it's laziness or procrastination, I just know I haven't yet.

We're now wireless, which from being corded for almost an entire year is a shock. I think I'll set up The Goal Blog now, just out of boredom.

Decompress!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:30:00 +0000

I've been so stressed lately, I feel I need time in a decompression chamber. Tomorrow's Szandor's 6 month review for early intervention services, and since I was informed last month, I've been goin' nuts making sure that everything is ready, the house, Szandor, all I really need is Nate's bus to be on time.

I think at this point in time, I've drank enough coffee to be nicely caffeinated. The house is almost clean, according to Brea-standards, and trust me, those standards are pretty stringent (I mean, you're talkin' to someone who swears by bleach to make sure everything's sanitized, deodorized, and in general awesome-smelling, who adores the smell of cleaning products, and has severe OCD tendencies when it comes to cleaning), I've also found the elusive Missing Sippy Cup, so I feel as though I'm on a roll.

I need to set goals for this year, to make sure I am on track, that my life is heading in a semi-acceptable direction, and that in the end, my life can be something I can be proud of, and I shall make a separate blog to track those goals.

Now, all I'm waiting on is for Nate to get home.

New Year?

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 09:05:00 +0000

To be entirely frank, I hate New Years. Mostly because nothing ever personally changes for me, and I hold onto too much of my past to move head on into a new year.

I never make resolutions, mainly because I break them less than a week into the new year.

I just know this year has to be different than all those before it.

Being Neglectful

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 01:10:00 +0000

I've been neglecting my blog and Twitter lately, for why, I don't know.

I'll write more later, if I feel so inclined.

Win This Contest?

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:05:00 +0000

http://kirtsy.com/blog/?p=291

Still Too Raw

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:50:00 +0000

I detest growing close to Mike again, only because I know I shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to keep reattaching my feelings to the same person over and over and over, knowing each time, I'm just going to have them betrayed.

My mom, this past Wednesday, gave the most hypocritical speech I've ever heard. She sat through a 13 year marriage with quite possibly the biggest asshole anyone will ever meet (also named Mike, but this is besides the point). She said Mike and I have to work it out for the kids, that they're getting emotionally abused in the process, I never take out my frustrations, anger, or depression on the kids, I bottle everything up until I know I can't take it, so for her, a woman who after her divorce sat there and further alienated her children emotionally and physically abused her youngest daughters, what makes her think I'm going to take relationship advice from a woman who still treats her children like shit even though she's been divorced for 4-5 years now. Now, I know I had made this post about her, though throughout childhood and even now, I've covered for way too many people and what they do. I bottle up a lot, and I know (from the years of therapy forced onto me) that it isn't good. Throughout her speech, my mom more or less said that it was okay for Mike to have put me through what he has, because my point to her was, "Now, why are there shelters for physically abused women, but nothing in the line of shelters for emotionally and mentally abused women, even though the scars from emotional abuse last long after the wounds from physical abuse are healed?"

I don't want to get close to him again, and have him hurt me, I'm done with being hurt, I'm through with it.

He Did It.... AGAIN

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 03:36:00 +0000

Ok, before reading and thinking I'm just ranting, please, read these posts beforehand:
http://beautifulwastex.blogspot.com/2008/09/just-my-thoughts.html
http://beautifulwastex.blogspot.com/2008/11/yet-again.html

I've posted these here, because he never reads my blog, no matter the sentiment contained within.

Mike, I fuckin' hate you. I hate you with every bone in my body, every fiber of my being, every iota of my spirit and soul. I'm so sick of you hurting me, and acting like it's ok everytime it happens. I'm sick of giving my heart to you when you never wanted it in the first place, I'm sick of being here for you, when you'll never be here for me. I'm sick of crying over you, because knowing you're below my standard, crying over you makes me just as pathetic and lowly as you are. I hate knowing I have fallen in love with you, but trust me, I'm able to stop falling further.

I don't want you to touch me, I don't want you to touch the kids, I don't want you to even so much as breathe the same air that the kids and I breathe, you are such a lowly, parasitic, nasty, scum sucking piece of shit, and the fact that I have created children with you makes my skin crawl.

To think that when we first met, and saw something great in your eyes, to have you turn out like this disgusts me. Just knowing I've allowed this to go on for as long as it has makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I'm sick of your abuse, I'm sick of being treated as a second-class citizen in your world, when you shouldn't even be in mine.

I hate myself for allowing my chance at happiness to disappear, all because I couldn't quit loving you, because I believed we still could have been something great. I'm sick of your excuses, and I'm way too old to put up with dating another little boy who can't take responsibility for himself and the way his actions effect other people, especially when said little boy has a family he uses just to keep up appearances.

I'm done living this charade, I'm done playing your games, quite frankly, you can go fuck yourself.

I hate how you say you love me, when you only love yourself. Had I known while you were in prison that you didn't want the family that you've helped create, I would have erased any viable proof of your existence, Nate and I at that point should have gotten as far away from you as we possibly could and never looked back. I should have never told you about Nate, I should have never fallen in love with you, I should have left it at me being a single mom, raising one of the most gorgeous fatherless boys ever created.

I truly hate myself, for everything I've ever done for you, for working so hard on this relationship when you repeatedly show you didn't and still don't want it.

Exhausted?

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:17:00 +0000

The past few days, well, the past week, I've been flat out exhausted, Mike's staying up all night just because he worked close is driving me nuts. I've reached the point that I'm so sleep deprived, my emotions are all over the place, much like when I'm pregnant, but not. If I knew he'd be able to stay up all night on the computer and be able to manage the kids, because they've decided to adapt to his sleep schedule (not fair on them at all) just to spend time with Daddy, it wouldn't be so bad.

Some jackass stole our laptop battery, seriously. Mike noticed that the system tray display for the battery charging wasn't reading anything, and he notified me of it. My biggest question being, what moron steals just the battery? Why not the entire laptop!? Whoever stole it must be the stupidest thief alive, other than that jackass who robbed a bank, yet dropped his wallet, and was apprehended at his house a mere 20 minutes later (can't remember names, or which paper I read it from), seriously.

I'm still hoping that Mike changing for the betterment of the family wasn't and isn't just lip service, I can't handle anymore than what he's given me, and I can't deal with going through heartache again, especially from the same person, especially the N^th time around.

Thanksgiving Countdown

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 15:36:00 +0000

I'm incredibly anxious for Thanksgiving to arrive, not happy anxious, apprehensive. I've had more than a handful of incredibly shitty Thanksgivings, and I expect each passing one to follow suit.

I've spent most of the morning playing Fashion Wars, I seem to be kickin' ass, or at least I think so, mainly to try to keep my mind off of Holiday Apprehension, and it's been working..... slightly.

Dammit, I'm getting tired now, and I know if I fall asleep now, I won't be able to wake up when/if John shows up again. Do I dare pump more caffeine into my blood stream, hoping it'll have the same effect as 3-4 hours ago? Do I take a short nap until he calls/texts? Do I distract myself with more Fashion Wars? All I know is my stomach's starting to hurt in a non-kosher, I've been up way too long kinda fashion, and I know I should sleep at this point, I just know my body, and if I did sleep right now, I'd have serious difficulties waking up and being coherent enough to entertain company.

Oh Hell.

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 23:48:00 +0000

I'm all over the place today, I truly blame the mass amount of sleep I've incurred lately.

I so need to get motivated though, the house needs cleaned, it isn't a mess, I just know it could look better had some serious elbow grease been applied.

I'm actually beginning to think that this last fight may be harder to come back from than previous fights Mike and I have had, especially because I've expended what I could, emotionally.

I'm also ridding my life of peoples who bring negative energy into my life, people who's own happiness is more important than everyone else's safety, people who are mental leeches who drain me in some form or another, especially since cultivating my family and their safety is important to me.

Memories....

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:56:00 +0000

I've always found it weird how certain songs can cause memories to flood back to you like the banks of the Nile being over swept with rainwater. This morning, I was looking to buy a new ringtone, and decided to peruse the KISS ringtones, my mom, having brought me up to be a KISS fan (by choice), Mike was almost floored to know that I knew the lyrics to each song by heart.

See, KISS is a band that makes me very happy. I remember watching my mom dance to their albums, belting out each word as passionately as Paul does, watching her play air guitar and marveling at her timing and perfect air drumline. Watching her be happy, because I knew that within that moment, she was and is unstoppable. It was something that was few and far between back then, and for those people who think she is a bad person, really haven't gotten to know her, if they did, they'd see that my mom has just let too many years of shitty people and shitty situations get her down, that deep down, she still is the fun-loving and free woman she always has been.

And though my mom and I have our differences, nothing can change her being my mom, or what has happened, I'm still incredibly grateful to be alive, to have been born.

I know this entry sounds rather melancholy, it's nature truly isn't to be so, it's merely reflective, in a very thankful way, to KISS, to my mom, to great music.

Weird Day

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:48:00 +0000

For serious. Today has been the 3^rd weirdest day of my entire life.

Cramps suck, especially when you have just one, and it lasts for 6 1/2 hours of your day, especially when migraine caused by influx of hormones happens.

Bah, I'm bitching, tomorrow's entry will be much more chipper.

Can't Wake Up Today

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:40:00 +0000

It looks like computer chair naps will be all the rage today.

My shoulders have quit hurting, now I'm just hoping I didn't end up re-infecting myself with last weeks cold.

And, honestly, what is it about Mike that I can't quit admiring him today? I'm sure it'll wear off at some point during the night, just what's making him seem so awe-inspiring this morning?

Yet Again...

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 11:24:00 +0000

I took the password off of Mike's Vista account, to see exactly what he'd been hiding from me the past few months, I found out, it was all the same shit as before.

Due to these findings, I gave him the ultimate ultimatum. It's either all of us, or none of us. I won't let the children be subject to see how he treats me.

He's been given the next 24 hours to decide whether he wants to make us or break us, and this time, it truly is all up to him. I'm done with doing all the legwork for the relationship, it's time for him to take the helm.

I've given him a very rational piece of mind for him to go off of, and I truly hope he decides to make us work.

His aunt commended me, for knowing that this has gone on throughout the two and a half years we've been together, and staying, trying everything at wit's end to make us work. I do love him, I do believe he is a great person, but how much can one person take of the same shit, knowing the other person chooses not to change, that they discard the other persons feelings as though they were an inconvenience?

Though, is it horrible of me to assume that this won't change, that the next 24 hours he'll only be doing what he's done before, bought time until the next fight?

I do have faith in Us, I'm just not sure that he wants Us.

Happy 1st Szandor!

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:55:00 +0000

As of this time last year, Szandor Daniel Moreno was born. He weighed in at 7 pounds 13 ounces he measured 21 1/4 inches long. I love you Szandor, Happy Birthday baby!

Stick a Fuckin' Fork in Me Already

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 02:08:00 +0000

Alrighty, this is fuckin' it. I'm sick of helping people out who truly don't need it. I'm sick of being there for people who either don't need it, or are just after the attention in the first place.

Hopes and Dreams

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 22:09:00 +0000

I hope my fever has broken, or is at least on it's way to seriously decreasing. I hate feeling as though my bodies on fire, and waking up to a fever of 101.6 isn't ever my ideal way of waking up.

I hate being sick, especially since I don't get feverish sick very often, so whenever sickness does happen, I get hit hard. I just hope it doesn't progress into serious puke-y type sickness.

I'll update later, more than likely, right now, I's got lovin' the babies to attend to.

TFF

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 07:55:00 +0000

Right now, I'm Totally Fucking Frustrated (hence the title abbreviation), I always ask Mike to do simple shit, and most times he acts like I'm slowly draining his life force from him when I ask him to do shit like bathe the children, help with menial housework, put his clothes in the washload (off the floor so the kids and myself won't trip over them), anything that requires more effort than chatting online, checking his Myspace, texting who the hell knows what, taking a shit, he doesn't do.

I know he said he wasn't ready for this relationship, our family goes with the relationship, especially since I've been the one doing 99% of the legwork for it, if he's not ready for us, where does that leave the kids and I?

Exposure, and Too Much of It.

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:25:00 +0000

Ok, so for the past month and a half, I've been hiding messages within my Myspace bulletins and figured there was no harm in trying it out for Myspace messages...... Man was I wrong! I forgot that when someone goes to reply to the message, it shows the entire message even the HTML input to change the font color to hide the part you want to hide.

So, I sent a message to Brian (Anthony's father), and hid some text within the message I'd sent, about how I really feel..... And I'm very sure he read the part I meant to hide, because the conversation he and I had via Yahoo! messenger had taken a very emotional turn .... So, I'm sitting here feeling so incredibly sick, confused, and torn..... I just wish life were easier when it came to situations like this.

On a very sad note: My cellphone's been disconnected until the 14th (hopefully that's the LATEST it'll be off until), which means I'm incredibly up shit creek without a paddle until.

I'm sitting here with a screwdriver.... Mmm, delicious vodka and orange juice, I need to get back to Guild Wars, but am unsure of doing so.

It Has to be Happening for a Reason

noreply@blogger.com (Brea) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:54:00 +0000

Ok, so, I woke up very pissed. I'd had the same dream, Mike gets ready for work, leaves, then 10 minutes later, I find him over at Walgreens, tucked behind one of the floor displays, making out with some other chick..... Doesn't the fact that it keeps recurring tell something? Isn't there deeper meaning behind it? I'm so pissed, I don't even want him to touch me, the thought of him touching me at this point makes my skin crawl. At what point is it no longer a dream, and it is actually indicative of his feelings about me?

I need to get ready for the day. I may update later.