BrianBehrend.com

The Dallas Briefing sucks

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:24:18 -0600

The Dallas Briefing sucks. It's essentially garbage thrown into our lawns everyday that no one asked for. I have half a mind to stand out in the front yard and throw my kitchen garbage back at them when they drive past. Or maybe call the city and let them know some car is coming by and littering in our entire neighborhood every freaking day. Some of my more useless neighbors don't even bother to pick it up everyday so there's a pile of four or five of them in their front yard. Nice.

Switch Pitcher versus Switch Hitter

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:56:30 -0600

Minor league baseball game featuring a switch pitcher facing off against a switch hitter.

Hilarity ensues:

And here's the full thing:

The origin of Lance Berkman's "Big Puma" nickname

Mon, 19 May 2008 21:24:41 -0600

Houston sports media personality Lance Zierlein discusses the origins of former Canyon High School baseball star Lance Berkman's excellent Big Puma nickname. Berkman may have learned everything he knows about baseball from a young Brian Behrend, but he's always had the same sense of humor. That sense of humor is the main source of the name Big Puma:

Well the discussion turned to his unfortunate nickname of "Fat Elvis". He told us the story of how a Cub fan threw a Twinkie at him from the bleachers one game and he picked it up, opened the wrapper and ate the Twinkie while the bleacher bums went wild.

However, despite that funny story, Berkman told us he hated the nickname "Fat Elvis" because he was a sleek, agile and graceful athlete.

"I'm more like a puma so I'm not sure why people call me Fat Elvis", complained Berkman.

That's when I started busting out laughing. I mean seriously - when is the last time that someone referenced a puma unless they were talking about shoes? I just said "you're the Big Puma, aren't you?" and Berkman started laughing as well and said "Exactly! I am the Big Puma!"

I like Fat Elvis too, but if Lance prefers Big Puma then that's what I'll call him.

13 Year Old Steals Dad's Credit Card to Buy Hookers

Mon, 12 May 2008 21:48:16 -0600

Awesome. First thing I'd do with a stolen credit card and after winning at a video game is get me some prostitutes. Well I guess only if I'm a 13-year old boy from Newark, Texas that is:

Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel...

...Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities...

...Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.

My favorite part of the whole story is that the dad has decided to reward the kid for this behavior with a trip to DisneyLand. No wonder he's such an outstanding kid.

IGN gives Grand Theft Auto 4 perfect 10

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 00:43:48 -0600

Only a few more days to wait... Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out April 29th and I'll have it in my hands soon after. The first review is up online and IGN.com has given the game a perfect 10. The first time in many years that they've handed out that score. Definitely the most excited I've been about playing a game in a long while. Go read the seven page written review or watch the video review below:

GTA4 video review from IGN.com

Global Warming is No Longer an Issue

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 16:38:06 -0600

Al Gore has done it, he's ended global warming. Annoying liberal idiot Al Sharpton and annoying conservative moron Pat Robertson are sharing a couch together in a new commercial for the Alliance for Climate Protection. Watch the commercial:

Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton Commercial from YouTube.com

By getting those two together on an issue, Gore has officially made hell freeze over. No need to conserve anymore or drive silly hybrid cars, global cooling is on the way. Hurray for SUV's!

Meet the Family: Christopher Walken Family Reunion

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 12:03:44 -0600

Funny Saturday Night Live skit featuring every cast member doing their Christopher Walken impression at a Walken Family reunion:

By the way Hulu is actually really nice and SNL is actually funny again.

Obama "Borrows" For His Speech

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:21:40 -0600

"It is a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page."

"Real love bursting out of every seam."

Jaleel White must be furious.

Trinity U. Wins Game on 15 Lateral Final Play

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 07:13:31 -0600

Down by two with only a couple seconds left in the game Trinity University out of San Antonio didn't have much hope against the mighty Millsaps Majors. One play, 61 yards, and fifteen laterals later the Tigers were celebrating an improbably victory. Check out the video below:

Trinity did a great job of keeping the play alive and it actually looked like all of the laterals were legit laterals. Plays like this almost always end because someone (usually a lineman) makes a forward lateral in a panic. Somehow no players from either sideline wandered onto the field which also almost always happens.

Most of the 15 laterals didn't accomplish much but kept the ball alive long enough that the Millsaps players at some point must have been bored because they seemed a little disinterested in the whole thing by the end of the play. They didn't even seem too upset when Riley Curry took the ball into the end zone for the win.

What makes it even cooler is that I know the Bill Swint (and his family) who sent the video in and who I believe is the more excited one of the two announcers. Also, number 80 on the play is Shawn Thompson who went to my old high school and who I coached during my one inglorious season as a football coach at New Braunfels Canyon.

Amazing ending that will definitely be replayed for a long time.

My Xbox 360 is dead

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 22:38:39 -0600

Picked up a copy of Halo 3 at lunch today. Got home tonight and the wife was out so I thought I'd pop it in and get a rare half hour of game time in. I unwrap the game, check out the manual for a bit, and then excitedly put the game in my Xbox 360 to play for a few minutes before dinner.

The game comes up and I spend about 30 seconds looking around in the settings before I start to have video problems. There was blue interference or something and it got worse and worse over the next 60 seconds before I decided to try to restart the 360. That was the last I saw of my system alive...

When I restarted the Xbox 360 it was now not displaying any video. I jimmied with the video connections and tried to restart again to see if the issue would clear up. The system never came back on. I received the dreaded (and extremely common) "red ring of death" on my console. The three red flashing lights indiciate a "general hardware failure" and means the system will have to repaired. Because of the updated three-year warranty I can call up Microsoft and get a replacement Xbox 360 for free but it'll probably be at least a few weeks before that process finishes. Hopefully they replace my system with one of the newer, quieter, cooler, less crappy systems and not a refurbished unit.

With the rumored $400 PlayStation 3 coming in mid-October, if I still don't have my Xbox 360 back I might have to pick up a PS3 a little earlier than I had planned.

DirecTV Adds Eleven New HD Channels for Fall

Wed, 30 May 2007 07:57:55 -0600

In about a week I'll have DirecTV HD so the news that DirecTV is adding 11 new HD channels this fall is pretty exciting for me. The 11 this fall aren't too exciting, but there's more on the way after that look even better.

This fall the Discovery Channel is launching Discovery Channel, TLC, Animal Planet and The Science Channel all in beautiful high definition. There will also be five Starz channels that I won't watch, CNBC, and Chiller.

The following channels have announced they've got HD networks coming and could all be out this year:

A&E
National Geographic
Bravo
NFL Network
Cartoon Network
SciFi Channel
CNN
Speed
Food Network
TBS
Big Ten Network
The History Channel
HGTV
The Weather Channel
MTV
USA Network
Disney Channel
Versus HD
Toon Disney
TLC
ABC Family
Animal Planet
ESPNNEWS HD
The Science Channel
Starz E/W feeds
Discovery Channel
Starz Edge
The Tennis Channel
Starz Comedy
Showtime West
Starz Kids & Family
The Movie Channel
CNBC
Chiller

The Sooners lose to Boise State again in NCAA 08

Fri, 25 May 2007 21:13:20 -0600

The Oklahoma Sooners lost to Boise State in historic fashion in last year's Fiesta Bowl, and it looks like EA isn't going to let them forget it. One of the biggest features they're touting in NCAA Football 08 (due out in July) is all the new trick plays they've added to the expanded play books. To highlight the feature, they're using a clip of Boise State using the Statue of Liberty play to beat OU as the latest trailer. See the video below:

I'm not sure how well the new trick plays will work in the game, even the simple reverses that have been in previous games didn't work very well. Even if the plays are useless, at least it'll make Oklahoma fans relive the game a few more times.

Check out the rest of the article.

Crossposted at Bevo Sports.

Alanis Morissette covers "My Humps"

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 21:41:09 -0600

One of the funniest things I've seen/heard in a long time, Alanis Morissette covering Fergie's terrible song "My Humps":

Funny stuff. No matter how many times I watch it I still crack up. I knew the lyrics in that song were bad, but I didn't realize they were this bad. It's incredible that someone with as little musical talent has had a career in music as long as Stacy Ferguson.

A&M fans hold "mini" yell practice for Gillispie

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:48:28 -0600

Man are those guys ever going to figure out this crap is why the entire country mocks them incessantly? They held a miniature yell practice trying to convince coach Billy Gillispie to stay at Texas A&M and not move on to a better job. Only about 70 students and other ~~morons~~ fans showed up (the 150 number quoted in the story is BS) and Coach Gillispie was not even in the state. The rally lasted ten minutes and embarrassed all who were in attendance.

So sad.

Reef Dram sandals

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 15:29:59 -0600

Need a new way to sneak booze into sporting events or high school calculus classes? Check out the new Dram sandals from Reef, stylish looking flip flops with a secret compartment to store you alcoholic beverage of choice. The sandals have a "polyurethane encapsulated canteen in heel with screw cap" and an included key to open the cap and use the pour out the liquid.

My big question, why do they have these sandals in men's size 6? Are little kids smuggling tequila into gym class?