Brian's Blog

Response to “What Our Sons See”

Brian — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 05:38:25 +0000

I read a blog called, Modestly Yours, and recently Cady posted a blog entitled What Our Sons See. With all do respect to Cady and the love she has for her son, I thought her post was a very feminine perspective of a male issue, so I wrote my own manly response to her post:

Hi Everyone! I thought I’d jump into the discussion an give a manly man’s perspective on teaching boys about woman and modesty.

First, let me start off by saying that I’m not in anyway trying to attack modesty, and I completely agree with you all on it. However, I’ll try to say this with a lot of gentleness, but I think when it comes to teaching your son to “avert his gaze,” you got it all wrong. Also, I don’t think that spousal dissatisfaction, infidelity, pornographic addiction, and sexual violence has anything to do with “a simple look, a tiny thought, a small seed of lust.” This is a myth that woman believe about men, and nothing could be further from the truth.

If you want your son to value women with honour and integrity, certainly he should follow his father’s example, but not specifically the “averting the eyes” example. For men, it’s not a matter of “don’t look,” it’s so much more.

Here’s another myth about sexual addictions and sexual problems: that they’re caused by a man’s sexual desire, hormones, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sexual problems actually have nothing to do with sex. They are caused by other things, such as loneliness, power and control issues, shame and guilt, and other non-sexual (but maybe sexualized) things. Here’s a quick video by Dr. John Townsend that kind of explains it better.

The problem I have with teaching your son to “avert his gaze” is that what you’re really doing is building a guilt trap inside of him that is one day going to explode and fill his soul with so much guilt that will lead him to the very sexual problems you don’t want for him.

Instead here’s what I think you should be doing:

Teach your son the truth that he’s stronger and more manly than Chuck Norris and Old Spice Man combined. When your 9-year-old saves you and his sisters from aliens with his very own spaceship, be sure you all give him a kiss and acknowledge his bravery. Playing role playing games like this is definitely a must! Whenever you are in trouble, your 9-year-old son is the hero you turn to! Tell him he’s your hero, and mean it!

One of the most important tools you can give your son is a well defined set of boundaries. Teach him where he begins and ends as an individual. That he has the power to say no, that he’s not responsible (he doesn’t own) other people’s feelings, but that he is however, responsible for his own feelings. Good boundaries will give him strong control over his life, and give him the power to choose to live a life of honour and integrity.

When your son is older and he gets cut from the team of his favourite sport, surround him with the most incredible amount of love when he becomes addicted to video games and plays them twenty-four seven. Go easy on how much you criticize him, it’s more important to show him how much you love him. Perhaps you can let him show you just how good he is at his favourite video game (hint, hint). And then when you do take his Xbox away from him, remind him of the time when he was little and saved you and his sisters from the aliens with his space ship.

As for your role in all of this, be the woman he should value. Show him how a real woman treats her husband, with respect (this is a whole other topic). Then when it comes time for him to find his princess, he’s going to remember how his mom treated his dad and look for a woman just like you. Of course he’ll never admit to his mom that he’s captivated by her… but you’ll figure it out when you meet his wife.

Your son will turn out to be just like Mr. Darcy–he might not have all the smooth moves, but he’ll make all right decisions, like helping Elizabeth Bennet’s sister, and protecting the ones he loves.

I hope my response clarifies why I think the whole “averting your gaze” approach is wrong. The “don’t do it, look the other way” approach will just lead to guilt, and likely cause the sexual problems you want to avoid. Instead, show him how strong he is, teach him good boundaries, surround him with love, and be the woman he should value.

Oh… and here’s a secret, and probably something that will be very hard for you to do if it should ever happen. If you ever catch your son, or even your husband for that matter, looking at porn, don’t criticize! Instead love. Remember what I said about sexual problems and addictions having nothing to do with sex? I can certainly guarantee that it has nothing to do with how you look (in the case of your husband). Likely it’s something like stress at work or school, maybe loneliness that he feels, or maybe some relational thing between you and him (in the case of your husband) or your son and his girlfriend. Likely it’s probably something about not being good enough. Certainly they are responsible for their actions and feelings, but love is much more powerful than criticism in changing their behaviour. (And in some situations a loving response can mean having a certain consequence for certain behaviour) It may be hard for you to do this, but if you want the power to respond in a loving way, then think ahead of time of how you would respond and what you would do if you caught your son or husband looking at porn.

How Apple Missed the iPhone 4 Antenna Problem

Brian — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 14:33:46 +0000

Do you remember when Gray Powell left the iPhone 4 prototype at a bar?

Remember how the prototype was disguised as an iPhone 3GS in a protective case?

I believe Apple did all their field testing with the protective case on all prototypes.

Just my theory.

Perhaps Apple should rectify the problem by giving everyone a limited edition Gray Powell protective case.

Linux Shell Shortcuts

Brian — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:06:51 +0000

For the Linux bash shell users out there, here are some short cuts that will save you time when entering commands (from Getting Started with Bash):

Commands to take advantage of bash’s Emacs Mode:

ctrl-a	Move cursor to beginning of line
ctrl-e	Move cursor to end of line
meta-b	Move cursor back one word
meta-f	Move cursor forward one word
ctrl-w	Cut the last word
ctrl-u	Cut everything before the cursor
ctrl-k	Cut everything after the cursor
ctrl-y	Paste the last thing to be cut
ctrl-_	Undo

The above commands are the default emac version. There is also a “vi” version you can use which mimics vi editing commands. I am a vi users, so I’m tempted to try the vi mode sometime. See the tutorial for more information.

Boring Classrooms Lead to Video Game Addiction

Brian — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 03:20:37 +0000

Not that I am in anyway an advocate of video games, but I read this Globe and Mail article and I thought I should point out the flaw in blindly believing stats. While this study suggests that kids who spend more than 2 hours playing videos games are more likely to have attention problems, it may also be possible that kids who have attention problems are more likely to play video games.

I’m not entirely convinced that it’s video games alone that are causing attention problems. It might just be the education system itself and how students are taught. It could be that students are not at all engaged at school, and therefore resort to more engaging video games. This study is just trying to find something else to blame educational problems on.

I like this quote though:

“It actually causes people to view this high level of stimulation as normative. And by comparison, life is sort of boring. It doesn’t happen fast enough.”

“Life isn’t as interesting as video games are.”

So maybe if life was a bit more interesting, or if school was a bit more interesting, we wouldn’t have this video game problem.

Failure To Launch or Just Crashing?

Brian — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 03:42:54 +0000

I finished reading Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax. Both Girls On The Edge and Boys Adrift were good reads. I thought Girls On The Edge was a bit better, but maybe I’m a bit biased because I’m a guy and we’re boring—Girls On The Edge seemed to have more content. But both were good reads!

In Boys Adrift Sax uses the movie Failure To Launch as the model of boys who don’t leave home when they become adults and stay at home being lazy. So I decided to rent the movie and watch it as a way of celebrating finishing reading two books by the same author. Now, there’s something I noticed about the story which makes me wonder if Sax actually watched the whole movie; I suspect he just read the synopsis and made an assumption of the main character Tripp based on the title of the film.

In the story, Tripp doesn’t really fail to launch, in my opinion he does launch at some point in his, but he ends up crashing when his fiancee dies before their wedding. This is the reason he decides to stay at home with his parents.

Now, why exactly am I trying to defend fictional characters? Beats me.

I just wanted to point out that there is failing to launch, and then there is launching and crashing. Both are part of the challenges we face in life. If you crash you’re probably going to be facing depression, poor self-image, and more.

So in the spirit of crashing, here’s a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip:

http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2009/05/31/

Social Media Apps Don’t Belong In The Cloud

Brian — Wed, 12 May 2010 21:09:06 +0000

I’m listening to Leo Laporte on live.twit.tv during a taping of TWiG (I think), and they are discussing Facebook’s recent privacy issues. It’s funny because they won’t admit the real topic they’re are discussing, that is social apps do not belong in the cloud. The problem with the cloud is that it forces users to surrender control over their data and privacy.

What happened to the old days when we built social applications like email, which is distributed and allows us to keep control of our data? Could we not build applications like Facebook and Twitter in the same way using some kind of distributed P2P like architecture?

I think this is the future, and the service that will kill Facebook and Twitter will be built this way. Whoever comes up with the distributed/P2P social architecture will become very rich by evaporating the cloud.

Blogs are a good place to start.

Facebook Usage in News Reports

Brian — Mon, 10 May 2010 11:00:49 +0000

I have been blogging about the news media’s usage of Facebook profile pages in news reports for a while now. I think this is an issue that is ironically overlooked by the media when they cover Facebook privacy stories. A few months ago I wrote a letter to the CBC’s Ombudsmen asking for details about CBC’s usage of individuals Facebook profiles in news reports. And on Friday, I got a very well written response from the CBC’s Director of Digital Media, Rachel Nixon:

Dear Mr. Jones:

Thank you for your letter of March 21 addressed to Vince Carlin, CBC Ombudsman. Since CBCNews.ca falls in my remit, I would like to respond to your concerns. Please accept my apologies for the delay in doing so.

You asked for information about CBC’s policy with respect to using information gathered from an individual’s Facebook page in news stories. Specifically, you asked about copyright, pointing out that CBC had used a Facebook profile photo of Terri-Lynne McClintic in a story about the abduction of Tori Stafford. You also posed a hypothetical situation, asking if CBC would publish information obtained by a reporter who had access to private Facebook information gained through personal connections. And finally, you asked how we ensure the authenticity of the information in a Facebook profile.

In the story you mentioned, The Canadian Press provided CBC and other media with the Facebook photo of Ms. McClintic. While the Canadian Copyright Act offers protection to copyright holders, it also allows for a number of specific exceptions. Under the heading “Fair dealing” it states that the use of material in news reporting (sec.29.2) does not infringe on the rights of the copyright holder. “Fair dealing” does not give journalists permission for the wholesale to use content from Facebook, of course, but its use was appropriate in this situation.

Your hypothetical question, whether journalists can publish information found though personal connections, is not limited to Facebook. It is also an issue with many aspects. It raises ethical questions, questions of accuracy and, of course, legal concerns. Anyone using such information would also want to take into consideration laws concerning privacy, as well as those protecting the good name and reputation of the Facebook pageholder. It is a difficult question to answer in any detail, without knowing about specific circumstances.

Although CBC’s rigorous Journalistic Standards and Practices (you can find it here: http://www.cbc.radio-canada.ca/docs/policies/journalistic/ ) does not address this question specifically, it does set a number of principles that would guide a decision on what information should be used or whether it should be used at all.

You also asked how CBC verifies the authenticity of information in a Facebook profile. In most cases, our journalists attempt to reach the pageholder involved and verify information through e-mail or, preferably, by telephone. When this is impossible because of deadlines or because that person has died, we will quote the information, but clearly state its origin and the fact that it has not been verified. Once again, the importance of verification in a digital world goes well beyond Facebook. We also need to be vigilant about anonymous e-mails, hoax websites (which have famously fooled journalists and politicians alike), other attempts to use digital communication to deliver misinformation, and even legitimate websites that have no means of confirming posted information.

I want to thank you for your extremely relevant and important questions about how we conduct ourselves in the digital world. I hope my reply has reassured you of the continuing integrity of our news service.

It is also my responsibility to inform you that if you are not satisfied with this response, you may wish to submit the matter for review by the CBC Ombudsman. The Office of the Ombudsman, an independent and impartial body reporting directly to the President, is responsible for evaluating program compliance with the CBC’s journalistic policies.

Sincerely,

Rachel Nixon

Director of Digital Media

CBC News

I greatly appreciate the CBC for taking the time to answer some of my questions. It makes me an even bigger CBC fan. In response to Rachel’s letter, I replied to her email and asked if she would consider having a reporter do a story on the media’s use of Facebook profiles in news reports. I think it would be very relevant–especially with all the Facebook privacy concerns–and informative to the public.

How would you feel if your Facebook profile page was used in a news story?

Multiplexes and Luxury Condos

Brian — Fri, 07 May 2010 15:58:13 +0000

On Thursday, The City of Thunder Bay held their first public session on the possible construction of a multiplex facility. I have really been on the city’s case about this, not because of the multiplex, but because all of their consultations are done the old fashion way, through this public sessions where the majority of the attendees are politicians rather than the general public. However, I have to give the city some credit, because they have started a Facebook page related to the project. There are only 113 followers–yesterday there were 92, so 20 more in one day is not bad–and hopefully this number will increase with a little promotion. I think the multiplex is something the city really needs, and contrary to what one person said at the meeting yesterday, I suspect a majority of residents want it too.

One person said the city should have a plebiscite on the issue. I disagree with this person, and I’m happy the city chose not to put it on the ballot. My reasoning is that only 40% of the population actually go to the polls to vote, and a project such as a multiplex affects more than the voting population, such as tourists and potential new residents of the city. While I don’t think voting and elections should be eliminated, I do think the city should engage more than 40% of the population on this issue.

I read a comment on the Multiple Facebook discussion page about youth outmigration:

Im graduating, i know tonz of people who r moving away cause they cant stand thunder bay cause it boring here cause nothing happens. There no work, cause people fight everything or compalin. Something like this would probably bring out people it doesnt have to be just an arena it can be much more and be an icon with the waterfront to the saving of Thunder bay.

Now I have another thought about this topic, which may be kind of ridiculous, but maybe it will give a few laughs. I’ll confess that I have two newspaper subscriptions, The Chronicle Journal and The Globe and Mail. Why I subscribe to both is a topic for another post, but between the two newspapers there is one thing The Globe and Mail has which The Chronicle Journal does not–besides really good investigative and in depth articles–and that is luxury condo advertisements. One of these days I’m going to write a satirical letter to the editor asking him why his newspaper is missing all these advertisements.

I recently had friends who made the grand escape from Thunder Bay, and they have been telling me a lot about all the opportunities there are to buy luxury condos and properties where they live. Perhaps this is another thing the city is missing. So where are all the luxury condo developers? Yeah I know there are requirements such as a strong housing market, strong economy, but it just got me thinking. Maybe the marina condos will be a good thing, since they’re all the rage in the GTA.

Sex, Booze and Facebook

Brian — Thu, 06 May 2010 11:00:42 +0000

I came across this interview recently in Maclean’s with Leonard Sax on his new book, Girls on the Edge. There are many interesting thoughts that Leonard shares in the interview. Here are a few:

Appearances suggest that girls are doing better than boys:

On paper, yes. In Canada, about 61 per cent of university undergraduates are women. If you look just at test scores and grades, you get the notion that girls are doing great and boys are struggling. But if you look at the literature, you see that more than one in five girls is cutting herself and/or burning herself with matches. More than one in four high-school girls is binge drinking. Today, one in eight females in the U.S. takes anti-depressants. There’s been an enormous escalation in anxiety and depression among girls and young women.

Boys, although they may not be succeeding like woman, aren’t as anxious:

No, not like girls. When you actually sit down and talk to a girl, as I have done in many venues across Canada and the U.S., she will tell you she’s waking up at two in the morning upset about the pizza she ate for supper, and thinks she’s fat even though she’s not, and is frantic about whether she’s going to get into the university she wants to go to. Meanwhile her brother the goofball is enjoying life: eats a whole pizza for supper and doesn’t bat an eye, sleeps in late, and is perfectly content with his online games and pornography, hanging out with two other guys who are just like him. He’s happy! But his sister, who looks so good on paper, is not.

The anxiety girls feel can be connected to “self-objectification.” Girls as young as eight are being sexualized even though they have not yet reached puberty. They are loosing what psychologist call: “middle childhood, a time for [them] to develop a sense of who they are as people without worrying about whether they’re hot.”

Leonard makes an interesting observation about anorexia, describing it as a spiritual journey of sorts. “The girl who really does have anorexia has accomplished what all the other girls talk about but have never achieved. That becomes her defining sense of self: I’m a really skinny girl, that’s an accomplishment. It’s not a cry for help–in fact, they don’t want grown-ups to pay attention because they don’t want someone to take that achievement, that identity away from them.”

The article is worth checking out, a lot of interesting insights. I hope to pick up the book later and read through it.

Kobo Reader

Brian — Wed, 05 May 2010 21:00:44 +0000

I’m a little slow at posting this review, but on Saturday I picked up a Kobo Reader. Previously I had a Sony eReader, and was curious about the Kobo, so I picked one up. I gave my Sony to my brother.

The Kobo Reader is a good product. The interface is simple, the screen is like any other e-ink based eReader. I like the Kobo much more than the Sony. Mainly, it has a few extra features over the Sony. The screen is about an inch bigger (I had a PRS-300 which I think had a 5″ screen). The Kobo has bluetooth support for syncing books with a smartphone (currently only supported on Blackberry, but an iPhone app should be coming soon). Lastly, the Kobo has a nicer integration with the Kobo Store.

I think Kobo has been doing a good job with their store and their service. They seem pretty determined to build a good product, and to communicate with their users through Twitter and social media. I noticed recently too they have been adding more titles to their collection, such as the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan.

I would definitely recommend the Kobo over the Sony, especially for the price. As for the Kobo over the Kindle, that may be a harder choice. However, I think Kobo could create a Kindle killer if they play their cards right. I don’t think the ebook reader market is totally determined by technology. I think there are factors in play.