Brian Runs

TEDx, grief, and ultrarunning

2017-03-26T18:08:00.001-04:00

A few months before the 2016 Hallucination 100, I was invited to submit a TEDx talk application on ultrarunning. As I began to think through the topic, I realized that I had more to say about grief than I did about running. I do not exaggerate when I say that I spent well over 100 hours in preparation for the talk. The process was primarily one of written reflection followed by hacking and slashing away at drafts to distill down what I really wanted to say, even if I didn't know that when I started. Then I rehearsed and rehearsed until I felt like I could make it through the talk without breaking down. Probably.

My talk is finally posted on the TEDx YouTube channel (https://youtu.be/Vs76R0sSipI) and knowing that some of my intimate feelings and experiences have been placed out there in the wilds of the internet is somewhat daunting. I feel better when I remind myself of what happened 3 days after I gave my talk at SVSU. I was grocery shopping with Oliver after dropping Elliott off at soccer practice. A man who I didn't know came up to me and thanked me for giving my talk. He shared with me that he had been going through a difficult time and was trying to use some aspects of my talk to help him cope. Perhaps in response to my awkwardness, he encouraged me to continue to share my experiences.

I hope that Oliver will remember that encounter when he is older. I hope that both Elliott and Oliver know that memories of Holli can still change people for the better. At the very least, when they are older, I hope that they will unearth this video amidst the digital residue of my life and it will remind them of what a lasting impression Holli had on me. For those who either knew Holli or knew of Holli, I hope that it is a reminder of the lasting impact that she made on so many people.

https://youtu.be/Vs76R0sSipI

In many ways, this marks for me the end of my 2016 training and fundraising. I've decided to again run the Hallucination 100 in 2017, although I don't anticipate sharing much of my training on social media or doing any fundraising. I will wear my pink Run for Holli shirt. I am trying to up my game and over the past few months I've had the pleasure of working with a coach, Tim Smith of RunSmith Enterprises. I actually first met him back when I was fundraising for the Lupus Foundation and he has been great at helping me develop a training plan and keep on track. I recommend that anyone starting to run or current runners looking to step it up a notch, check Tim out. Thanks again to all of you who supported me in 2016 and maybe I'll see at the 2017 Hallucination 100.

2016 Hallucination 100 Race Report

2016-09-25T20:01:00.001-04:00

Well, it's been about two weeks since I completed the 2016 Hallucination 100 mile trail run. My legs are back to normal and my feet feel fine although I don't always wear sandals in public so that I don't freak people out (at least 50% of one of my pinkie toes was blistered by the end). Our final donation total was $7,780 which exceeded both my primary goal of $5,000 and my secondary goal of $7,500. Perhaps as important to me as the financial total, was the number of people who made a contribution. Around 73 people, many of whom knew Holli and some who did not, honored her memory with a contribution to the Children's Grief Center and I thought of many of the notes that were left with the contributions during my run. I was encouraged knowing that so many people still held memories of Holli in their hearts.

I want to thank the boys' grandparents for all of their support throughout my training as well as during the race. My parents did an excellent job of supporting me as I went through each lap and Mike and Denise did a great job of shuttling the boys around (including a soccer game!) and getting them to the race. Thanks to Gina, who is the one who introduced Holli and I, for supporting the crew with pizza and cheering me to a finish. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the boys standing there near the finish line waiting for me. Thanks to Elliott and Oliver for sharing your energy with me.

I'll keep my race report brief. The race consists of six loops of 16 miles each. The first two went by smoothly and uneventfully. As I geared up for loop 3, I heard the gentle sound of rain on the aid station tent as I prepared to start the loop. It was about about 12:30 AM. The next loop was rough. The gentle rain soon became a downpour that made visibility difficult. The trail could not drain fast enough and soon I was running through water that was ankle deep in places. I ran through deep mud and through small streams. Needless to say, I was soaked. But it was cool and I was still feeling good and lost remarkably little time on the loop. I encountered a rather large raccoon that refused to move from the trail. It was strangely surreal, but I was moving along well. By loop 4, the novelty of running through the rain had warn off and the deep puddles and continued rain made changing shoes and socks an act of futility. I was tired.

The weather had cleared up somewhat by loop 5 and the sandy soil had reduced the puddles, but there were still plenty of long tracks of deep mud. It was sunlight again, which always provides some encouragement but I was both physically exhausted and beginning to doze off while running. I knew that I had sufficient time to finish so I wasn't discouraged, but I looked forward to lap 6 and the sight of Elliott and Oliver waiting as I completed lap 5 warmed my heart. I even managed to jog out of the aid station before walking once I was out of sight.

There was an inevitability to lap 6. I knew that I could finish. It was just a matter of not stopping. I tried to will myself to run, but could rarely manage more than 100 paces of a slow jog, then only 50 paces, before I had to walk. As the sun began to set again, I kept having the strangest hallucinations. I knew that they weren't real so they didn't really bother me, but the imagine of the runner stepping over a small fence was quite vivid even though I knew that nothing like that existed on the course. Trees became bears. The winding trail looked a lot like a snake. Sometimes it moved. I was dozing off again and with half of the last loop remaining I asked a nearby runner if he was walking the rest of the way. He was so I offered to walk with him hoping that some small talk would help keep me focused and moving forward. Dan's feet had suffered with the rain and we both avoided any discussion of blisters. I'm sure that we made quite the sight shambling along those last few miles, but we kept moving forward.

Elliott and Oliver shrieked in excitement when they saw me come around the corner. It's a little blurry at that point. We crossed the finish line together. Words don't do it justice. After everyone had left, Elliott stayed with me at the campsite. I thought about taking a shower, but the bathhouse was too far to walk to so I just changed clothes and collapsed into a sleeping bag. At 2 AM, I woke Elliott up and leaned on him as I shuffled my way to the nearby port-a-potty. I felt incredibly satisfied. Later, I saw that the night of rain took it's toll any only 71 of the 203 starters actually finished the whole 100 miles.

That was going to be the finale, but I already know that there are only finales in movies and books. This Friday, I'll talk about my run and grief at a TEDx talk at SVSU (www.tedxsvsu.com) which will be the first time that I have ever talked about losing Holli in public. Speaking publicly about my feelings is not something that comes naturally. Okay, even speaking privately about my feelings doesn't come naturally. It feels important though. I've talked to too many people who have felt alone and isolated after suffering some tragic loss. I've had my share of setbacks and made my share of mistakes, but perhaps my experience and what I have learned from Holli will help others continue to move forward through difficult times.

Countdown to the race and TEDx

2016-08-31T16:09:00.001-04:00

As I write this it is just over 8 days until the start of the race. Honestly, that's sort of intense. It's too late for any running that I do to make a difference physically. I think that I have my equipment pretty much dialed in so, other than assembling everything into one place, I think that I am pretty set there. I'm working with the Children't Grief Center on materials to have at a table that will be located at the campsite we will have set up. That's where Elliott and Oliver will be collecting donations in exchange for the tie dye shirts that they made. I'll be there at 11:00 AM settings things up before the race starts at 4:00 PM. Of course, I'm still taking donations here: https://www.crowdrise.com/runforholliinsupportofthechildrensgriefcenteroftheglbr1/fundraiser/brianthomas5

I guess I'm mostly working on getting emotionally prepared for the race. Even a normal race carries a certain emotional weight as you confront physical discomfort and exhaustion. Of course, this isn't a normal race and the races that I have run preparing for this one have given some insight into how I might feel this time around. In that typical male manner, I'm no superstar at communicating feelings and emotions, but I know that there will be a flood of feelings over the 28 to 30 hours I'll be on the course. Some of those feelings will be good and some won't.

So I'm pleased to announce, with an ironic nod to the challenges I face talking openly about feelings, that I've been accepted to give a TEDx talk on ultrarunning and grief on September 30 at SVSU (http://www.tedxsvsu.com/). My hope is to talk about how running has helped me frame my life since losing Holli. The point that I hope to pass along is that the training for a race is more important than the race itself. The race is the easy part (er, easier). Training for the race is the hard part. But, of course, the talk isn't really about running. It's about trying to carve out a meaningful and fulfilling life after suffering significant loss. My life is certainly and unfinished and imperfect project, but perhaps some people will benefit from hearing about some of the things that have worked for me. You would be surprised at the number of hours I have already spent trying to put things into words, tossing drafts, and starting again. Perhaps to reiterate the point of the talk, my plan is not to "let words come" but to craft my talk and practice until it is something worthwhile. Keep your fingers crossed.

Back to Burning River

2016-08-03T11:25:00.002-04:00

Where has the summer gone? I'm heading down to Cleveland this weekend to run the Burning River 50 Mile Endurance Run. This will be the first half of the 100 mile run that I did in 2009. Was it really 7 years ago? I've been keeping up with my running (mostly) and this weekend will be significant because I have always peaked out at 50 miles before each of my 100 mile runs. Actually, as I think about it, out of 5 attempts at 100 mile runs the only two times that I dropped out I had not completed a 50 mile training run at the peak of my training. So keep your fingers crossed for me.

The other reason this feels like a big run is that it means that the Hallucination 100 is only a month away. I confess that I haven't hammered out all the details of that weekend, but I thought that I would give a general overview for anyone who is interested in coming for all or part of the weekend (you can find a complete schedule here http://www.runwoodstock.com/index.php/info/schedule-of-events.)

1) Where can I find everyone at the race? We will have a campsite at the start/finish with a table for the Children's Grief Center. We'll be selling bracelets for donations and have some information about the Center. We will probably begin setting up in this area around 11:00 AM on Friday the 9th. Come and spend some time with us.

2) Will I be able to watch the race? Sort of. Races take up to 30 hours so it isn't really a spectator sport. The race is a series of 16 mile loops that go through the camp group where our campsite is located. Obviously, I'll be spending most of my time on the loop, but you will probably be able to predict when I am passing by the start/finish based on my time in the previous loop. Of course, I'll probably be slowing down each loop. I'll also be at the start at 4:00 PM on Friday and, if all goes well, crossing the finish line sometime before 10 PM Saturday night.

3) What can I do? You are certainly welcome to join us at the campsite. The weekend is full of events with live music, yoga, food, tye dying, and other activities. Check the schedule above. Please note that you will need weekend passes or Saturday concert passes (https://runningfitevents.redpodium.com/2016-run-woodstock).

4) Can I run (or walk) too? Yes! I think that it would be awesome to see Run for Holli shirts at the various races that they will be holding that weekend. There are three 5k runs that are free if you get a weekend pass. That's only 3.1 miles! Walk one with a Run for Holli shirt! If you are interested in pacing, shoot me an email too. Pacers are allowed after the first loop.

5) Can I still donate? Of course! We have exceeded my initial goal of $5,000, but I would like to hit $7,500 by the end of the race! You can donate here: https://www.crowdrise.com/runforholliinsupportofthechildrensgriefcenteroftheglbr1.

I'm going to put an event on the Facebook page so that I can keep track of who is planning on coming that weekend. Thanks to everyone for their support to this point!

It's more than 50% mental

2016-06-17T16:35:00.001-04:00

That's one of those cliches among ultrarunners that has more than an ounce of truth. You train physically to run the first 50 miles and mentally for the second 50. My first 100 mile run was the Haliburton Forest 100 in Ontario, Canada (pictured above). It consisted of two 25 mile "out and back" runs. Consequently, I hit the 50 mile point at the start/finish point just as the sun was starting to set, 50 mile runners were celebrating their finish, and I was physically more than exhausted. There weren't many 100 mile runners on the course, temperatures were dropping, and I knew that I had a long, cold night ahead of me. Holli stayed up most of the night with me, driving from aid station to aid station. It wasn't fun at that point, but I finished.

I was thinking about this 50% mental rule last week, except this time it was 11:30 PM and I only had to run 7 miles to stick to my training plan. I was sitting on the couch trying to decide if I should run or not. I hadn't planned on getting on the treadmill that late, but I had let the boys stay up late as the summer days had gotten longer and right before bedtime Oliver had been missing his mommy. I wasn’t in the mood to run. I wanted to sleep. The mental “grit” required to run 100 miles gets all the glory, but the truth is sticking to a training plan takes more mental effort. If you can figure out how to stick to that training plan the race is easy. Just kidding, at least it's easier. I have stare down matches with the treadmill multiple times a week. Most of the time I get on the treadmill. Sometimes I don’t.

I’ll be doing a little mental and physical training next weekend with a 50k at the Dawg Gone Long Run down in Dayton, OH with my old friend Luke. This will also be the first test run of the Run for Holli shirt that I’ll be wearing at the race. The Booster t-shirt campaign has ended and we sold 44 shirts to make $1,120 for the Children’s Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region! That means, we have raised $3,975 towards our goal of $5,000! That’s incredible! Thanks everyone!

Even though you can't order t-shirts anymore, you can still make donations here!

I don't believe in ghosts

2016-05-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was the day that Holli and I met 19 years ago. We met in the driveway of a house in East Lansing (photographed above by Holli in 2012.) Tomorrow will be the day that Holli and I got married 14 years ago. Holli used to joke that she would haunt me if she passed before I did, although I guess we expected this would be something we confronted in old age. It wasn't scary. It was a comforting idea. Of course, I don't believe in ghosts.

That hasn't prevented Holli from haunting me and I am grateful that she does. Even after two and a half years, I still imagine her sitting next to me in the car or on the couch. I hear what she would say in response to both small and large events in my life. Memories replay on a daily basis with sad, but comforting detail. At times, the line between when she was here and when we lost her becomes blurred and I forget that she never saw Oliver play soccer, Elliott sell root beer floats, or even meet Peanut. I know that it is because I saw her there. I sometimes wish that I believed in ghosts, but I don't. This hasn't stopped Holli from haunting me. It is sad sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

******

Now I need your help keeping Holli's memory alive by helping me support the Children's Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region.

1) Go here to order a shirt before June 12. All proceeds go to the Children's Grief Center.
2) Make a donation here in honor of Holli and in support of my run in September.
3) Share this post and, if you knew Holli, perhaps share a memory of two also.

**If I already told you that I would send you a shirt, no need to order one as I will have one sent to you.**

Crewing for an ultramarathon

2016-05-11T02:19:00.000-04:00

Just to set the stage, I’m writing this from a hotel in Beijing while Denise and the boys are at the final grief support group potluck. It’s no secret that I like to travel and enjoy a job where that is one of the perks. Still, each trip brings a negotiation with guilt over leaving the boys and I am grateful to Denise and Mike for taking such wonderful care of the boys when I am gone.
When I did the No Wimps Challenge at the end of April, I was pleased to reconnect with my old running buddy Dirt Dawg. We ran together for nearly the entire marathon. He actually paced me during my first attempt (and fail) at the Hallucination 100 back in 2010. That race, and even this trip in a way, reminded me of my race crew.

Holli, of course, was my crew at all of my major races. For those of you unfamiliar with the ultrarunning world, your crew are the people who stay up ridiculous hours following you from aid station to aid station to fill water bottles, tend to sore feet, provide fresh shoes or clothes, remind you to eat, drink, or take electrolyte pills, check you for blisters, provide encouraging words, lie to you that you “look great!”, bring you food, put up with general crankiness, and basically keep you on track to finish. Needless to say, crewing a runner is more than a matter of just logistical support. In particular in 50 or 100 mile races, cognitive reasoning takes a hit. I’ve seen things in the forest that weren’t there (mostly wishful thinking that aid stations were closer than they are.) I’ve forgotten to eat or drink and neglected blisters. Towards the end of most races, I lose track of what I need and become convinced that I am unable to finish in the time allotted. This can become rather pronounced after 70 or 80 miles. It’s hard to spend 28 hours convincing yourself that finishing is possible.

It becomes important at those times to have someone who knows what you need even if you don’t yourself know. While only a fleeting runner, Holli had become well aware of my preferences and habits on a race. I’m sure that she could easily carry her own in a conversation about the nuanced differences among socks and shoes that runners seem to enjoy. Most importantly, of course, she knew what I needed even when I didn’t. Having someone like that in your corner can take you incredible places and, among other things, get you through three 100 mile race completions.

I won’t reiterate the now redundant point that my training is behind what I wanted it to be and I still haven’t ordered the t-shirts, although I have figured out which company to use. I’ll highlight more positively that my training is still on track for the race and that I will “officially” launch fundraising efforts when t-shirt become available in a few weeks. I want to thank Mario Volante, the Awad family, and Uncle Wing and his family, for their donations so far. I also want to say a special thanks to my mom and dad for their generous contribution.

Life always gets in the way of my running

2016-04-18T22:12:00.002-04:00

On Saturday, I'll start the NO WIMPS Challenge with a half marathon down in Pinkney followed by a marathon on Sunday. I did this is 2013. It's the first of several small goals I use to keep me on track for the big run. I'm marginally prepared although I expect experience at this race and in general will be enough to carry me through to the end, even if my times aren't what they could be. Life has gotten in the way lately and sidetracked my well organized training plan. In the past month or so I've been sick, the boys have been sick, our basement has flooded, we've celebrated holidays and a birthday, we've had a sleepover with a houseful of energetic boys, Elliott and I road tripped to Niagra Falls, and I've been down to Mexico for a few days. I sometimes tell students that you need to have life plans so that you know how to gauge how serious things are when they go wrong. It also gives you some sense of the path that you should return to after recovering from those inevitable moments when life gets in the way.

Elliott and Oliver lead the path that guides me. The problem is that there are thousands of daily decisions and negotiations along that path that rarely have clear solutions or answers. Family, work, and (dare I even suggest?) time for myself are a juggling act with ongoing decisions of what to drop and what not to drop. What kind of parent does it make me that goes for a three and a half hour run on the eve of leaving his kids to work in Mexico? I think that I am doing fine, but questions like this cross my mind all the time. When Elliott was upset that Holli had to work she would explain to him that she enjoyed her work and that, while she would miss him, it was important to her and that she was grateful to have the job and that she was helping people. I remind myself that living a life that is not just for them is the only way to live a life that will be meaningful for them.

Perhaps it is only related in my mind, but yesterday was Elliott's first travel soccer game and today was Oliver's first soccer practice of the season. It seemed to me another step in their independence. I love to watch them play, especially in those moments when they are so clearly thriving in the moment. It doesn't work all the time, but I hope that they know that there are moments when I am away from them and thriving too.

Why the Children's Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region?

2016-03-24T23:02:00.001-04:00

I think that there is a very reasonable question regarding why I chose the Children's Grief Center of the Great Lakes Bay Region as a the charity to raise money for in Holli's honor. I'm not sure if there is a single answer so much as a confluence of things that just made it the right thing to do. As I sit here looking at old photos of Elliott's part birthdays, I am reminded of what a dedicated mother she was and how important that it was for her children to be nurtured and loved. In fact, it was a mantra that I used frequently to get through the first year. I asked myself what she would have wanted most and the answer was always that the boys be nurtured and loved to the best of my ability. There are some days that I do better than others, but it was and still is a clear goal.

Today, Elliott spent his birthday without his mother. It will be like that for the rest of his life as, of course, it will for Oliver. This isn't a burden that goes away in a year, or two years, or even decades. After today, it will be another holiday, major life event, or life challenge. I'm sure that they will think about it in different ways as they get older, but it will always be there. A hole in their lives. It's a hard thing to watch children grow up without a parent. The truth is that there aren't very many people or places that understand what it is like for a child confronting this type of loss.

We have missed very few support group sessions organized by the Children's Grief Center. Elliott and Oliver never fuss about going and are always glad to go and glad to be there. The staff and volunteers know them well, are exceptionally warm and friendly, and always patient and kind. I know that it is a place where they feel like they belong in a world where they don't quite fit in the same way that they used to.

Elliott and Oliver are certainly testament to the benefits of the Center, but I know that there are more children out there who are facing similar challenges who may not know that the Center is there as a resource. It's a hard thing to confront. Going the first time was hard. It still is sometimes, but the simple truth is I'm not sure where we would go if the Center was not there. I don't know of another place filled with kind, caring staff and volunteers, as well as people who also know what it is like to spend another birthday without a mother. I wish that the boys didn't need to belong to a group like this, but we didn't chose this path and I am grateful to be able to support a group that will help the boys move along it. It's what Holli would have wanted.

109 miles in February

2016-03-07T15:33:00.001-05:00

I like numbers and statistics. In February, I ran 109 miles and burned a total of 11,874 calories. I feel pretty good about that. Of course, more important than simply the numbers is what they mean. In 2013, when I was last training for Hallucination, I clocked 101 miles in February. By April of 2013 I was up to 176 miles (with a drop in May due to a trip to Asia) before peaking at 191 miles in July of 2013. I figure that this means that I am pretty close to on track. I am also very pleased to have received $2,000 in donations pledged so far. Just last weekend, I finalized the details on the website that I will use for actual donations and I will post the details soon. Still moving forward...

I need six people to commit to collecting $500

2016-03-01T20:34:00.001-05:00

I'm working with the excellent staff at the Children's Grief Center to set up a more efficient online donation system. Once that is done, I'll start collecting donations on a more formal basis. My initial goal is to identify six people who are each willing to either donate directly or help collect donations of $500. That's just 10 donations of $50. If you are willing to commit to being one of the initial six people raising $500 for the Children's Grief Center in Holli's name, please email me (brianjasenthomas@gmail.com) or send me a private message on Facebook. I'll get you a shirt as soon as they are printed and a leather bracelet that says "Run for Holli." Please help me out.

In other news, training is going well. I've started planning to run a series of races leading up to Hallucination. These races serve as miniature goals to help keep me motivated. Also, through a combination of coincidence and intent, they are something of a trip down memory lane. First, I'll run the Trail Marathon in Pinkney on 4/24 (as well as a half marathon on 4/23 to complete the No Wimps Challenge). I've actually run this race a few times, including in 2013 when I was also training for Hallucination. I'll follow this with the Two Hearted 50k in Paradise on 6/24. I've never run this before, but it just seemed appropriate. Finally, I'll peak my long runs with with 50 miles at Burning River on 8/6. This was the location of my second 100 mile race.

Please consider being one of the first six to commit to collecting $500 for the Children's Grief Center. I'm off to put some miles on the treadmill.

On grief and ultrarunning

2016-02-19T22:13:00.000-05:00

Holli and I used to talk about running a fair amount. Even though she wasn't a runner, she was my crew at all of my major races. In long races it isn't unusual to lose the ability to understand clearly what you need or what is going on. You can forget to eat, forget to drink, forget to change gear, the list goes on. It is nice to have someone who knows what you need even when you do not.

We inevitably lean on past experience to understand current experience. I've found that the difference between ultramarathons (in particular 100s) and shorter races is the number of ups and downs that you experience. In shorter races, there is often a clean arc that goes from feeling great to feeling tired to feeling the elation of finishing. With ultras you must endure several cycles of ups and downs before crossing a finish line that, at least for me, rarely brings a sense of elation. Only later does a sense of satisfaction set in.

The myth of grief is that there is some sort of clean arc to the process. The finish line lies when one has gone through all the stages, taken enough time, finished grieving or moved on. The language of grief coming to an end is so much a part of our lexicon that you don't notice it unless you are given reason to pay attention. Of course, it isn't true. There is neither a clean arch nor a finish line.

On Wednesday, I heard my 4 year old son explaining to one of his little friends that his mom died. Moments like that are heartbreaking and I know that there will be more. There is no finish line, just more ups and downs in a jungle gym of emotions that is neither fair nor predictable. At times memories are a comfort and at times they are an open wound. There are moments of pride and satisfaction as well as defeat.

The night after I finished my first 100, I dreamed that I was still running. It had it's ups and downs, but I was glad to still be running. And I felt strangely disappointed when I woke up in bed.

Puke and rally

2016-02-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

(Remarkably, I just realized that I was still using this blog the year that Holli passed so perhaps it is an appropriate time to start again.)

Photo at the start of the North Country Trail 50 in 2007

Holli and I had more inside jokes than I can count. Many of them, like puke and rally, were sophomoric and likely only funny to us, but that had absolutely no bearing on their humor. She was always young and humor was not dependent on the opinion of others. Eventually such jokes become a language in and of themselves, a secret language and a shorthanded way of communicating.

The phrase "puke and rally" was chanted by a, likely drunk, frat boy in a movie theater in East Lansing during the opening night of the Legend of Drunken Master. We were undergraduates at Michigan State University. Patient as she was, Holli was indulging my appreciation for Jackie Chan and Hong Kong kung-fu movies. The movie's protagonist had consumed too much wine to fight effectively and had, as the chanting frat boy and his friends enthusiastically cheered on, puked and then rallied.

I remember the phrase coming up many years later when I watched a friend of mine running his way towards his first and my second 100 mile completion. After about 50 miles, he literally vomited his way for about 4 more miles, before rallying and finishing well ahead of me. Perhaps not poetic, but representative of running 100 miles. You run, fall apart, recover, run some more, fall apart some more, recover enough to keep going, fall apart, recover, run.

I have a file folder on my computer littered with Excel files outlining training runs for races that I never signed up for, never finished training for, and in some cases never even started training for. I have floated the idea of doing a run for Holli for more than two years and it has lingered on a post-it note on my phone for over a year. Each time, something got in the way, something was more important, or I just couldn't bring myself to lace up those shoes for the next run. I'm registered for the Hallucination 100 in September and maybe something will come up and I won't make it to the finish line. Even if that happens, I like to think that they are just small steps and detours in moving forward. And I'll rally.

My fitness numbers

2013-04-18T11:48:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am successfully in week 3 of my training program with about 20 weeks until the big race (Hallucination 100) and one week until my first race of the year (Trail Marathon). I still have some training hurdles ahead of me (namely 18 days in Asia), but I'm still feeling good about my plans for the year. Last week I participated in a study for a health sciences student at SVSU and went through a series of fitness tests. In addition to the simple fact that I like data, I thought this might be a fun way to track the impact of my training program. I get retested in a few months so we'll see if there is a difference. Here are the interesting factoids about me. Ratings (excellent, good, poor, etc.) and percentiles are based on some charts that they gave me at the fitness test and based on age.

Blood pressure: 126/78 (prehypertensive, ug)
Weight: 137.7 lb
Height: 66.1 inches
BMI: 22.2 ("normal weight")
Total cholesterol: 220 (borderline high, also ug)
HDL: 38
Glucose: 89
Skinfold (body fat): 15.7% +/- 3-4% (75th percentile and excellent)
Total Grip Strength: 84 (Poor)
Sit-ups in one minute: 41 (Excellent, in fact I only needed 25 for excellent)
Push-ups in one minute: 36 (Excellent, in fact I only needed 30 for excellent)
Walking test (VO2): 51.3 (80th to 90th percentile)
Sit and reach: 29.5 (Good)

First race of 2013

2013-04-05T12:44:00.002-04:00

Well, I am officially registered for the Trail Marathon 50k at the end of April. In order to accomplish the "No Wimps Challenge" I'm going to run the half marathon, which is held the day before. I thought it would be a fun way to kick off my training for the Hallucination 100, in particular since the races are on the same trails. Actually, this week marks my first week using an actual training plan. I picked up a copy of Brian Powell's Relentless Forward Progress: A Guide to Running Ultramarathons. There is a 70 mile/week 100 miler training plan that I am going to try to follow. This is at the high end of my weekly mileage (historically I vary from 30-50 miles/week) and I'm a little uncertain as work/family/life has typically kept me from following a formal training plan. On top of this, I'm not certain how I will get my miles in during my trip to Asia. Still, I really want to finish the Hallucination 100 and, ideally, finish without falling apart in the last 25-40 miles as has been the case in previous races. I also see it as a bit of a test of my self-discipline. We'll see. In either case, I am really looking forward to my first race of the year. I've had a couple 20 mile runs and one 25 mile long run so I think a slow 50k shouldn't be too much trouble even following a half marathon. My mantra will be to go slow. I'm not sure that anyone is keeping track, but I have also switched from Daily Mile to Endomondo and put up a new widget here that accurately lists my total mileage for the year. This is really just because I have dropped using my Garmin and started using the GPS on my phone.

International marathons?

2013-02-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

Despite a bout of illness and a lack of any formal training plan, I think that I am grooving along pretty well and have a solid base. With the exception of sick week, I'm averaging 30-35 miles per week with a few 15 mile long runs. I'm hoping to get a 20 mile run in soon, perhaps tomorrow. I'm intrigued by the "No Wimps" challenge that is part of the Trail Marathon at the end of April. Basically, this just involves a half marathon on Saturday followed by a 50k on Sunday. Sounds like fun so that is my short term goal with the Hallucination officially in my sights for the fall. Besides, who doesn't want a "No Wimps" t-shirt? In May I will be traveling to China, Taiwan, and Japan so I have kicked around the idea of running 3 marathons in 3 countries in 3 weeks. That might be a bit much given our travel itinerary, but it is fun to dream. Perhaps I can get one marathon in there. It's been nice to be back in the groove and have some goals in sight. We'll see about the international stuff, but I think I can definitely be ready for the "No Wimps" challenge, which is notably on the same trail as the Hallucination 100.

2013 Plans

2012-12-31T08:38:00.001-05:00

Well, I haven't followed through very well with my plan to blog more. Work, family, and life in general just gets in the way and it is hard to make it much of a priority. That's just the way it is and that is okay. More importantly, my return to running is going relatively well. With only a few exceptions, I've stuck to 30 miles/week for somewhere around 2 months. I wanted more long runs in there, but I did get one 16 miler and there have been plenty of 10-12 milers. I feel like its a pretty solid base. I just need a goal now.

I definitely miss the ultramarathon scene and need one big race. Given my 2010 DNF at the Hallucination 100, I think that would be an excellent place to start. Also, I heard from Dirt Dawg that the organization and aid provided at Hallucination is much better than it was in 2010. The thing is, I have two ways to ramp up to that. My first option is that I schedule a few marathons such as the Trail Marathon, the Martian Marathon, and the Carrollton Maraton leading up to the Hallucination. Option two is that I run Hallucination as the fourth race in the Midwest Grand Slam, a series of four 100 mile races throughout the Midwest. I think that option one is definitely doable. The Midwest Grand Slam would definitely be a challenge both in terms of physical effort and logistics. But gosh, it just sounds like fun...

I'll decide for sure next year. Happy New Year everyone!

Two weeks in...

2012-09-18T10:01:00.000-04:00

Running continues to be a bit irregular. Any miles are better than no miles though. Last week I only ran twice--one 7 mile run and one 6 mile run. I've also started a pattern of push ups and sit ups. I really liked doing Cross Fit this winter and even though I'd rather spend my time running, I thought it would be good for me to mix it up a bit. I've changed some of the gear that I use also. After years of running in Brooks Adrenaline, I started running in Hokas this year. I did a marathon in the spring wearing them and they seem to be working out. I've also dropped the Garmin GPS and the mp4 player and started carrying my phone and using a Bluetooth headset. I now track my miles with the Endomondo app, although I am still posting to www.dailymile.com. Remodeling our basement is still eating up a lot of my time, but it is good to be getting some miles in. Weather is good today so I will definitely be hitting the road with Oliver, Casey, and the good old Tike Tech stroller this afternoon. I wonder how many thousands of miles are on that thing by now? Still going strong.

Running again

2012-09-04T16:27:00.001-04:00

After a summer of essentially zero running, I am at it again. Between traveling to China, taking care of two kids, and finishing the basement running was just not much of an option. In the scheme of things I think it was probably good for me to have some time off. Still, running has always been one of my favorite ways to relax and do some thinking so I am glad to be back at it. I don't have any particular race goals or training program so we'll see how everything plays out. I do like the idea of another ultra in 2013...

Blogging again

2012-08-16T08:31:00.001-04:00

I've been on a bit of a running hiatus after a spring marathon. However, with school starting again and, in particular Elliott headed for the 1st grade, I'm hoping to get back in the swing of things. I also miss blogging and am thinking about making it part of my running routine again. Stay tuned...

Thanks for your support at Relay for Life!

2011-04-19T21:03:00.000-04:00

First, I would like to thank everyone for their support and donations leading up to SVSU's Relay for Life on April 8th and 9th. At last count, we raised $3,285 dollars. That's an incredible amount of money and part of a record amount raised at a SVSU Relay for Life event. Thanks to my wife and son, my mother and father, my mother-in-law Denise, the Management Staff of Genetron Engineering, my cousins Eddie, Sandi, Herman, and Simon, my brother Dave, all of my uncles and aunts, my friends Chris, Karen, Beth, Mike, Erin, Brian and Heather, Dave and Terry. You generosity came so quickly and in such volume that I am likely missing some names. I deeply appreciate your outpouring of support.

The event itself was wonderful and I'd like to thank Jon Ward and the rest of the dedicated SVSU students that put the Relay together. At last count the event had raised $51,000, had almost 700 participants, and 53 teams. That is a major undertaking.

It was really unlike any other event that I have participated in. It was more of an all night party than any sort of race. After the opening ceremony, my mom and dad, Holli, Elliott, Denise, and I walked a couple laps together as Team Single Step. Then, as the crowd loosened up and groups headed back to their team sites I started jogging. It was a little crowded so I had to do a little dodging and weaving, but I wasn't in a hurry so that wasn't a problem. I felt a little funny since I was the only one running, but as Holli reminded me early on, that's what I was there to do.

Minutes turned into hours and the laps faded by. I didn't bother counting laps and just enjoyed the spectacle of college students raising money for a good cause. There were pie eating contests, tug of war contests, a cross-dressing date auction, and more entertainment than I typically encounter on a run. Elliott discovered a giant, inflatable obstacle course that was, no doubt, the highlight of his evening. There were even some very memorable laps jogging around with my mother.

Elliott, Holli, and Denise headed home to get some sleep and Team Single Step dwindled to my parents and I. At one point, my dad took over walking and I relaxed at our campsite and chatted with my mom. It really was both entertaining and a great time to just relax and spend time with love ones. As time passed, I began to overhear comments like "Is that guy still running?"

Team Single Step was down to me by 11:00 or so. I was still feeling pretty good since I'd been keeping a slow pace and taking periodic breaks to chat with friends and family. The crowd at the event was going strong and it was around that time that many college students, who exist on a much different clock than the rest of society, began to show up. The energy in the gym made running easy. At one point one of my students sent one of his team mates running after me to sell me a cupcake, which provided much needed sustenance. John and Pat, my son's former swimming teacher, joined me in jogging for several miles as we swapped running stories. At one point several students formed a human tunnel for me to run through. There were also a couple very moving ceremonies during the night that broke up my running.

Around 4:00 AM several teams had packed up and the energy in the room was starting to diminish. Similarly, my energy was starting to diminish. The long run was starting to wear on me. I sat down in a lawn chair and even dosed off for about 10 minutes. I took another lap on sore and stiffening legs, but didn't really have it in me so I put on my sweats and decided to call it a night. I'd been in motion, on and off, since around 6:15 PM the night before.

Pat, who had been running with me earlier, stopped over to check on me and I told him that I was calling it quits. After chatting for a minute, Pat moved on. Much to my surprise he came back a couple minutes later to tell me that he had decided to finish the run for me. At that point there was about an hour and a half left in the event. Team Single Step lived on. Despite having not run for 3 months, the newest member of Team Single Step finished the race in style.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. If you would like to read more about the 2011 SVSU Relay for Life, check here: http://orgs.svsu.edu/clubs/vanguard/stories/3237

SVSU Relay for Life

2011-04-05T19:56:00.002-04:00

Three days until the 2011 SVSU Relay for Life and at $2,100 in donations. Our team has slipped from 3rd place in terms of fundraising and we won't reach the goal I set when we started fundraising. That's okay. I'm fairly certain that our donations per capita are the best of any team. ;) Still, I'm spending the evening taking one last shot at picking up more donations.

As one of the event organizers pointed out to me, EVERYONE is impacted by cancer. EVERYONE knows someone who has been impacted by cancer. In some ways it would seem that this makes asking for donations easier. For me, it just makes it more intimidating. The issue of cancer feels so ubiquitous that I feel we are inundated with messages to donate. Perhaps we even become numb to it at times. I'm sympathetic to that.

But I'm also grateful that my mom's surgery and chemotherapy were, by all indications, successful. I'm grateful that Mike's surgery a couple years ago was successful. I'm happy that my good friend's mother survived her breast cancer. I'm glad that my grandmother's skin cancer many years ago was successfully treated. I'm saddened that my other grandmother's cancer was not. I'm sure that I am missing other friends and family. I wish it had been harder to generate this list.

So, I urge you to go to www.teamsinglestep.com and click on the "I'm a proud supporter of Relay for Life" button on the right. Please donate. I don't really care how much. Heck, donate to someone else's team or at another Relay for Life event. Don't donate because it will cure cancer--it won't hurt, but unfortunately our individual actions rarely carry such power. Donate for the people you know who are impacted by cancer. Even if your donation does not cure cancer, it can demonstrate your gratitude for and appreciation of these people.

Land Between the Lakes 50 Race Report

2011-03-15T21:30:00.000-04:00

Well, I successfully finished the Land Between the Lakes 50 this weekend. I was reminded how ultrarunning often forces us to be honest with ourselves. I was only marginally trained for the run and definitely not ready for the hills or the 60+ degree weather. That being said, I finished in 10 hours and 35 minutes and met my primary goal of qualifying for the next Western States lottery. Perhaps most importantly I still had a great time.

I headed south on Thursday and spent the night at my parents' place in Ohio where they were kind enough to treat me to a delicious Thai dinner. The drive was long, but it was nice to see everything get greener as I went south. It's been many years since I've been to Kentucky and I was reminded how much I like the rolling hills and forests in the area. The race starts and finishes in a very small, tourist-oriented, town between two large lakes. The race would involve four loops on single-track trail between the two lakes (er, hence the name of the region).

Despite memories of the snow that I had driven through on the way from Michigan, I decided to start the race in shorts and a t-shirt with only a handheld bottle. My plan was to do a 15 minute run-5 minute walk combination. The 10-5 combination I did at the Fall 50 in October went so well it seemed like a good plan. Unfortunately, the unexpected number of hills (nothing high or steep, just relatively unrelenting in a way similar to the area around Pinkney, MI) and the congestion of the first loop made this difficult and I quickly settled into a constant run.

By the second loop, I began to notice the hills and the heat. I even flirted with a little nausea, but it never got particularly bad and I think may have been the result of too many electrolyte tablets early on (I felt better after I stopped taking them). By the third loop many of the shorter distance runners were done so I was able to start the 15-5 combination. However, the hills (and my lack of hill conditioning) required more walking than I hoped and I quickly saw my vague goal of running it in 9 hours slip away. I didn't let the slower pace bother me and focused on enjoying the pleasant scenery and beautiful weather. After being informed that I needed to complete a short 1.2 mile out-and-back (um, I thought I was almost done), I made a final turn towards the final 1+ mile stretch to the finish line.

I'd recommend the race. It was very well managed with well-stocked and frequent aid stations. We received good swag, including a running hat, running shirt, and light gear bag (I'm a sucker for stuff.) We even got a very nice buckle at the finish, although I always feel a bit like these should be reserved for 100 milers. Actually, the buckle is nicer than the one I got at Burning River in 2009. The start/finish was conveniently located near some cheap hotels. I do recommend stocking up on supplies before heading to Grand Rivers as the grocery store in the town is only marginal. As a mini-personal vacation to wrap up my spring break, it was perfect. Thanks to all the race volunteers!

Next big run: Relay for Life

Land Between the Lakes 50 miler

2011-03-08T17:32:00.000-05:00

I'm taking off on Thursday and heading to Ohio. I'll spend the night at my parents and then reach Grand Rivers, KY on Friday for the Land Between the Lakes 50. This is the only formal race I'm planning this year (Relay for Life isn't technically a race and the Macomb Orchard 50 is run Fat Ass style.) This means that Saturday will be my last long run before Relay for Life, the finale of my spring break, my qualifying run for the 2012 Western States, and the start and finish of my 2011 racing season.

The primary reason, of course, is that we are expecting another little boy to join our family sometime towards the end of July. I'll probably take a break from running during the second half of the year. I still remember the chaotic and sleepless lifestyle of having a newborn around so it seems unwise to set any meaningful training goals. I also like the idea of giving the running thing a bit of a rest. Maybe I'll focus on strength training. Maybe I'll find something new. Of course, I only anticipate a rest from running. Not accidentally, Saturday's race does keep me qualified to enter the Western States lottery. I've also noticed that the jogging stroller in the garage has been looking a bit lonely. My initial journey into ultrarunning was certainly assisted by an infant who would only easily nap for me in the jogging stroller. I think that Elliott's record was a 20 mile run in the jogging stroller...

P.S. If you haven't yet donated to my Relay for Life run, click on the link to the right!

Miles of trials

2011-02-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

Holli calls Elliott her baby a lot and I confess that I tease her sometimes about it. In truth, I understand why she does this because the memories of Elliott as a small, helpless infant are so burned into my mind and I am still sometimes shocked to see him run, jump, talk and play as the four year-old that he is. At some point since my mom was diagnosed with cancer I realized that this frozen image of baby Elliott is not something that just impacts parents.

Last month, Holli, Elliott, and I were down visiting and my parents gave me a digital picture loaded with a variety of childhood pictures that my dad had recently digitized. Despite the fact that I had not seen many of the pictures in decades, the images still seemed very fresh to me. It was easy for me to remember what my parents looked like when I was a young child and, even as I followed the old pictures through decades and both I and they aged, they still seemed very much the same to me. They are my parents and they will forever look like my parents, just like Elliott will always look to me like the small infant we brought home from the hospital.

That is why it was such an emotional shock when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. The impact was compounded by the medical issues my dad suffered around the same time. Frozen in my head was the image of them as middle-aged parents rather than the retired grandparents they have become. I know that this shock was not one only felt by me and I'm very grateful for the support, especially from Holli, during those difficult early months. I know intellectually that cancer can impact people of all ages and that medical issues come inevitably to everyone over time. Still, there are times when changes comes so fast and so unexpectedly that it is difficult to catch up or to change with them. It wasn't really on my emotional radar that either of my parents was getting older, much less that something like cancer could impact our family.

Thankfully, the fear and uncertainty of those early months is past us and this is a success story. Tomorrow my mom starts her last chemotherapy treatment. Friday she will have the portable pump for her last chemo drugs removed and she will officially be done with chemotherapy. All signs indicate that she is cancer free. Borrowing a phrase from John Parker in "Once a Runner" I think that she has gone through both a "trial of miles" and "miles of trials." While I am grateful not to be able to speak from first-hand experience I suspect the latter is at least as challenging as the former. In Parker's fictional novel about distance runners, the "trial of miles" refers to enduring through the miles of the current training run. On the other hand the "miles of trials" refers to the necessity of getting up each day to do it again and again and again.

My mom's miles of trials are finished this week. She went through chemotherapy again and again and again. Soon she will be done. In honor of this, I'd like to encourage you to make a donation to the American Cancer Society by clicking on the link to the right and then clicking on "Donate to Our Team." If you are planning on joining us at Relay for Life on April 8th, please click on the link to the right and then click on "Join Our Team." It should be fun and I figure I'm good to run/walk at least 60 or so miles over the 12 hour event.