It’s been a while since the Lord of the Rings craze a few years back, but we soon we’ll be revisiting Middle Earth again through the release of The Hobbit.

I loved the books and loved the movies for a lot of reasons, but there’s a theme I want to highlight that always stood out to me and that still influences my thinking today.  There’s a strong contrast in these books between Mordor and the rest of Middle Earth.

Mordor, the land of the enemy and of most things evil, is driven by power, by the dark side of industrialization, and a general disregard of anything sacred.  Sacred resources were squandered and cast aside for the sake of production and control.

The rest of the surrounding lands are often shown to be showing value to their peoples and to creation.  The Hobbits and Elves especially are shown operating their lives and worlds around that which is sacred. 

So what’s the point of all this?

Ministry has a Mordor.

Now I’m not talking about going green. Ministry, like other contexts, have the same tensions and conflicts related to power, dehumanizing mechanization, and control.  And as I continue to reflect on the nature of spiritual warfare, I think these enemies of the sacred, these enemies of souls, are at the heart of much spiritual warfare.

But while the film captures this in black and white terms of what is evil and what is good, there is a sobering reality that there’s a little Mordor in and around all of us.  Not all of us see what is sacred or we have far too narrow of a view of what truly is sacred.  Others of us see what is sacred, but fail to understand how to order our lives and our work in ways which affirms that which is sacred versus that which is not.

But sense there could be plenty of discussion as to what is sacred, let’s just focus on one thing that most of us would agree is sacred – people.

Here is where Mordor shows up in ministry and in plenty of other places.

1.  Mordor leaders only respect power, title or position, or those with talents that easily assist their own increased status and power.  These leaders can love God and read the Bible and be respected in a lot of ways because they get things done.  The problem is that they often get things done in ways that erode or ignore the sacred.

If you as a leader only listen to or respect those with a title, power, or position – it’s a sign of arrogance, pride, and a power orientation in leadership.  Period.  You may get things done.  But you are leaving a wake of Mordor in your path.  Leaders connected to what is sacred to God, treat the things He thinks are sacred as sacred.  This means listening, trusting, and respecting people even if the organizational hierarchy doesn’t necessitate it. Not much makes me more sad when I saw people getting dismissed with a “who are you to open your mouth” type of attitude.

Good luck empowering others that way. God sees.

2. Mordor leaders use people to accomplish goals and their ends without awareness of all the rest of the reality which they don’t find useful to their agenda.  Again – these people could be great people, spiritually strong, and in general be well respected.  The problem is they often only see things through the lens of their own agenda.  Therefore, resources (human) are seen only in light of the agenda and much of what is central to what is sacred in humanity goes unseen or unacknowledged.

What is sacred in human resources?  Here’s a couple things – identity (including gender & cultural), story, and voice.  Yet people are squeezed to fit agendas often with little regard for who these people really are and why THEY AS INDIVIDUALS MATTER.

3. Mordor leaders preserve the hierarchy and their own status within it.  The other side of this is that they keep others down.  Call it the Mordor ceiling if you will – where control is of such great importance (acknowledged or not) that real change that upsets the hierarchy is unlikely. Ministry will take place and great things may happen, meanwhile everyone must stay in their place.  Mordor leaders have a sense of entitled authority that leads to narcissistic environments that often maintain the status quo through fear.

There’s much that has been covered about spiritual warfare, but I’ve grown convinced that an undervalued dimension to spiritual warfare are those systemic patterns like the above that can demean, silence, dis-empower, control, and even intimidate sacred souls. Furthermore, the above types of things often are condoned, approved, and even rewarded. How does this happen?  Simply because the values of Mordor show up in a lot of places (power, control, efficiency, productivity) and they blind people to seeing the sacred.  The “mission” somehow seems to undermine the sacred because the mission is seen as more sacred than individuals.

The battle is being waged every day between that which is sacred and those enemies which seek to squeeze human beings into the productivity/efficiency machine.

Our leadership can be sacred – in that we organize our values and practices around that which is sacred, much like the Elves and Hobbits in Middle Earth had cultures in which what they viewed as sacred was preserved.

Mordor leadership isn’t always lived out by evil people.  Good, well-meaning people can stomp on the sacred without even being conscious of it. But if we never change, we are perpetuating dark patterns that wound that which is sacred.

How do you stay connected to that which is sacred about people?

What are the challenges you face in organizing your practices and values around that which is sacred in people?

I read an article recently that framed sanctification in the paradigm of self-forgetfulness.  See post here for the full article:   http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/12/05/the-gift-of-self-forgetfulness/

It’s been coming more and more apparent that Christians and maybe people in general have no idea what to do with the concept of the self.  Concepts of the self our shaped by so many different cultural and philosophical sources, yet we so often want to simplify the self into one box.

Is the self the embodiment of carnality, selfishness, and pride?   Those who treat sanctification and maturing as a losing of self as the life of Christ takes over would seem to take this position. Here’s a couple snapshots from the post above:

“I’ve said this before but let me say it again: there is nothing in the gospel or about the gospel that encourages me to focus on me. Nothing! It’s never honoring to God when we take our eyes off of Christ “the author and finisher of our faith” and center our eyes on ourselves. Never!”

“Any version of “the gospel”, therefore, that encourages you to think about yourself is detrimental to your faith-whether it’s your failures or your successes; your good works or your bad works; your strengths or your weaknesses; your obedience or your disobedience.”

“Sanctification is forgetting about yourself.”

Those are strong statements.  And if the self is only that which needs to “go away” or be eradicated or destroyed, all of this would probably be right on.

Only – we need to be careful when we talk about self because it’s not just a theological term equated with depravity and corruption of sin.  Self involves identity and the image of God – those things that shape who we are and how we relate to those around us.

Self does not always equate to selfishness, self includes things that can’t and should not be forgotten.To forget yourself in this way actually brings up some associations and elements of eastern religions (such as Buddhism among others) where true spirituality is found through a detachment from self or the world or other things. Sanctification and maturity for the Christ follower is more holistic than the self-forgetfulness paradigm would reinforce.

Now where I agree with the author is that a person’s eyes are to be always on Jesus.  And we are not to be self-absorbed and narcissistic in where our focus is. Many would be far better off if they heeded some of this advice to take their eyes off the self and kept them on Jesus.

But it is a logical fallacy that keeping your eyes on Jesus means the forgetting of self.  To equate spiritual maturity with the degree to which self is forgotten is really unfortunate and I think it’s destructive and towards the dehumanizing side of things.

We live life out of our sense of self, it’s an existential reality.  We can’t do anything outside of that reality that we have a self and it has different dimensions to it that shape our identity.   We need not forget ourselves just to keep our eyes on Jesus.  It is when we see our selves as our master that we run aground and fail to remember that we can only serve one Master.

Encouraging people that true spirituality is a rejection in ways of who they are where they just lose themselves in Jesus is profoundly unbiblical in my mind and actually unspiritual too.  It’s an attractive thought to many and it sounds so spiritual and amazing – except for that it’s not.  There’s a lot of movements in the history of the church that haven’t done so well with the rejection of a lot of the parts that make us human. Equating this perspective of self-forgetfulness with the “true gospel” when it’s framed the way it is I don’t think is super helpful to those seeking to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind.

There’s a piece here to where such a philosophy (and it does have philosophical and not just “biblical” underpinnings) is also often ethno-centric.  Majority culture folks don’t often think about identity – because they don’t often have too.  For evangelicals identity is mostly viewed through almost an exclusively positional lens:  who you are in Christ and who you are outside of Christ (which is of great importance). Part of this is because evangelicals haven’t always had to reflect significantly on identity with its majority culture roots so self is simplified into one or two boxes.

That’s one dimension and many are on a journey to find themselves and understand who they are.  And I would agree with the author and others that we can only discover who we really are in Christ, but I would add also that it can only happen as we enter into who God has made us and how we have been shaped and what it means to keep Jesus the center out of who we are. It doesn’t help people enter into their God-given identity to establish as spiritual the absolute forgetfulness of their identity.

That – and I’m pretty sure Jesus worshiped out of his human identity, not in spite of it.

It is a beautiful thing that when we are in worship and we enter that space where we are freed from self-obsession and self-worship and narcissism to be in Christ and experience Him as the source and Master of our lives.   But those moments are meaningful only in the context of our self, our sense of identity that He has been sovereignly at work shaping and revealing to us.

We fix our eyes on Jesus (Heb 12:2) out of our self, our identity, not because we are in increasing measure forgetting ourselves.

So don’t self-obsess, but don’t self-forget.  Your worship will flow out of your sense of self, not out of it’s destruction or disappearance.

But I rejoice that we can fully agree that our eyes must be on Christ alone if we are to be anchored in His presence and will.  I have no doubt the worship and Lordship of Christ is a shared goal.  I’m just pretty sure Jesus wants to bring my self to the party and not leave it behind.

 What thoughts do you have?  How would you frame sanctification as it relates to “self”?

I came across this quote and thought it was genius and very much in line with several recent posts about human anxiety in systems and in general bad and destructive behavior.

“A task of leadership is to help people “become uncomfortable with their inappropriate behavior” and to focus on the possibilities that change presents rather than the pain that accompanies it.”

http://congregationalresources.org/leading-congregation-through-change

At the link above you can access a free pdf download in the arena of leading congregational change.

Leaders set culture not just by their strategic efforts, but by what they allow to take place and what they permit to happen. 

Most people who like to talk about culture – all those people today adding “cultural architect” to their job descriptions frequently focus on what they want to cultivate and build into the environment. Culture change is as much about setting limits on toxic, immature, or even just irresponsible or non adult behavior than it is about what you try to positively instill into a community of people.

And just to make the connections to my last post, this is a clear argument that leaders do have the task of helping monkeys grow uncomfortable with their behavior of throwing poo at others.

How do you think leaders best execute this task of helping people grow uncomfortable with their bad behavior?  How do you avoid inappropriate shaming, but still help people feel the weight of their behavior or even sin?

First, forgive me for this post.  I don’t know if it’s the effect of the Superbowl, the onslaught of random ads, or just a brief failure of self-regulation.  But consider yourself warned that this post is less than savory due to frequent references to feces – monkey poo in particular.

I frequently post on themes like anxiety and systemic dynamics in which anxiety ends up driving people to behavior that undermines often both logic and love.

When I think of anxiety wrecking havoc, I don’t always think of systemic dynamics.  Sometimes it’s just people turning loose their anxiety and/or dysfunction on people in primal and reactive ways.

It makes me think of the monkey cages at the zoo. It’s been documented that some monkeys enjoy throwing their feces at others.  I don’t know why. I’ve heard things like it’s about establishing superiority or it’s an expression of reactivity against strangers. Someone else can speak to that. But it is essentially a reactive and hostile expression of a survival instinct in some form.

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing life and I felt like I’m stuck in a monkey cage while monkeys are flinging poo. Since seeing this graphic above, I’ve started to visualize this graphic in specific moments.  Now I’m only posting this now because there’s no concrete example in recent history and I can offer a general reflection.

We are so often anxious beings.  And while we aren’t working on survival in a real Darwinism type of way, we do operate out of a survival instinct sometimes when anxiety surpasses a certain threshold and then it’s like dysfunction takes over and other people get the brunt of our stuff.

So maybe it’s defensiveness, maybe it’s unwarranted anger, maybe it’s rigidity of thought, maybe it’s being on the wrong end of a major victim or martyr complex, and maybe it’s being judged not because of concrete reasons but because of people’s own insecurities and issues.

Those moments are like taking a stroll through the monkey cages when there’s a big poo fight in the works.   They can be experienced in just about any place you can have contact with a human being.

Poo flinging is not just anger.  Poo flinging is most often done with a smile on the face.  It’s unloading all of your junk on someone else in often creative ways and thinking you are right for it.

Sometimes I feel like maturity is really just like wearing a big rubber suit in the monkey cage where all the poo can bounce off of us and we don’t retaliate by throwing poo in return.  Sometimes I feel like wisdom is avoiding the monkey cage as best we can – though it’s not possible if not for any other reason, we sometimes act like monkeys as much as anyone else.

Life is lived in the monkey cage though and we’re all in it.  Let’s keep the poo flinging to a minimum and not retaliate. Maturity is important – spiritual and emotional and even social.  Let’s keep learning and allowing ourselves to be transformed by God’s grace.

This metaphor has become such a large part of my internal dialogue, I felt like it needed to be shared at some point.  Superbowl Sunday is as good of a day as any

Since the Superbowl is almost here, I wanted to do one more post related to Scapegoating following the AFC and NFC Championship games two weeks ago.  My last post centered around the 49ers loss and the young player who made two crucial mistakes that contributed significantly to the loss.  I thought it was a great picture of how individuals, and even young ones, can help redirect anxiety into productive and respectful action.

The other game that day had a couple of players who have taken their share of criticism and there’s been scapegoating there as well – but not as much.  I can’t help but think part of why is how the team handled itself and in particular how team leader Ray Lewis led his team in the aftermath. This well publicized speech I believe spoke not just to the team, but to the fan base as well. The team’s following I believe was helped to move on even while still feeling the pain.

Here’s the video which runs about 70 seconds:

Here’s the Transcript via The Tucson Citizen:

God has never made a mistake, it ain’t about one play.This year, we did what we were supposed to do, we fought as a team… There will be one Super Bowl champ crowned at the end of this year, that’s it. So the way we feel, somebody gonna feel like that tomorrow, and somebody gonna feel like that in a week. That’s a fact. And the fact is, we gotta come back and go to work to make sure we finish it next time. That’s all we gotta do.

Joe, you played your (butt) off. You hear me, man? I’m telling you, man, don’t ever — don’t ever — drop your head when it comes to a loss, dog, because there’s too much pain outside of this that people are really going through. This right here makes us stronger. Let’s understand who we are as a team, let’s understand who we are as men, and let’s make somebody smile when we walk out of here. We got the opportunity to keep going, men. Let’s be stronger as a team, men. Let’s be who we are.

See a larger article on this here from the huffington post.

There’s great lessons here! For sure it’s charismatic and inspirational – but it’s effective.  And similar to the lessons from the last post, scapegoating can be stopped in its tracked by leadership helping create space to grieve the loss maturely, take responsibility like adults, and yes – even think of others while still hurting from the loss!  That’s a big part of how leaders can help guard against the destructive nature of scapegoating. (Though I’m not a fan of the God never makes mistakes line)

That one day of football has provided several great examples of how to transform pain into meaningful community experiences and moments as opposed to letting them become destructive and toxic events that damage individuals and community in significant ways.

What do you take away from Ray Lewis’ speech and leadership in this moment?

I’ve been reading What is the Mission of the Church? by Kevin Deyoung and Greg Gilbert over the last four months or so and just recently wrapped it up.

Here’s the bottom line of my take.  I think the book raises and important question for the church today and for the future to be worked out in dialogue and community and academia.  I agree with the bottomline arguments for the most part and think that there is a need for the church to be more clear about what the mission of the church is or is not.  But…

I also think there’s so much in this book that I think fell very short of a compelling clarity and vision for the mission of the church – in large part because of at times an uncomfortable tone or edginess to their writing, at other times assumptions being made that to me reflected some narrowness in perspective, and also obvious needs of the authors to take on what seems like many a pet peeve in today’s church.

I rarely have found myself bothered so much by a book that I fundamentally agreed with in terms of the base truths being discussed.  And while I did struggle with the tone and the nature of many of the arguments, I also thought there was work done in this book that was really helpful and important even if I didn’t agree with all the conclusions or assumptions made.

On the plus side, there’s helpful discussions about purpose of the church and what is the church not fundamentally responsible for.  I think for many today the nature of the mission of the church either never crosses the churchgoer’s mind and on the other extreme perhaps to some everything good is the mission of the church.  I think this book is helpful to navigate some of the key points of the discussion as well as related issues – like the role of justice in the Scriptures, the nature of shalom, and other discussions.

On the negative side – I think while doing a good job presenting a cognitively and Biblically “right” argument for what is and is not the mission of the church, there were times where I just felt like they were totally missing the point.  In some ways, the mission of the church was disproportionately discussed to the point where I felt like some foundational discussions about the identity of the church never really got their due.

I think much of the book is structured as a reaction to the demographic of Christians who are throwing themselves into works of justice while disregarding completely the proclamation of the gospel.  The problem is that I think the book failed greatly in my estimation to affirm the many who are doing both and give a compelling vision of how to engage the world in grace and truth.

I struggled that a book on helping believers try to navigate social justice’s right place in the scope of the mission of the church made zero reference to one of the biggest issues of justice in recent history – the Civil Rights Movement and era and what followed.  The references to “justice” always seemed to have a distance to it as if it was something that you had to travel far and wide to be a part of – not much acknowledgment of those “justice” issues that are in our midst.

But in general – after the 30th sentence that had this general structure to it, “It’s really good to work for justice/care for the poor/try to end human trafficking, BUT…..”, I just found myself feeling like there was something fundamentally off about their approach.

But I was glad I read the book because I realized I did need some clarity and some of the Scripture work was very helpful (yet again all the conclusions fit very nicely their own thesis and theological boxes which I don’t always agree with).

I can’t say I would recommend this book because I was just uncomfortable with a large amount of the tone of it, but the discussions it attempts to navigate are important and it could be good as one such resource.  Personally – I think there’s room to keep the proclamation of Jesus front and center, but not make engaging the world in loving, wise, humble, compassionate, just, and strategic ways a second class endeavor.  These things are to be integrated more than this book might reinforce.

In the Systems & Power Leadership Community I facilitate yearly, one of the dynamics we explore relates to anxiety in groups and emotional systems and one of the things that we explore is scapegoating.   Last weekend, we had an epic NFL championship Sunday in which two games came down to the wire and ended amidst dramatic circumstances.  They had something in common:  they both featured horrible mistakes that led to a couple players becoming scapegoats for the loss.

In the aftermath of the 49ers v. Giants game, the scapegoat Kyle Williams even received death threats towards himself and his family.  A game suddenly is no longer a game and toxic anger takes over on a wide level.

The question our leadership community has been tossing around these last couple of weeks has been, “What is needed to stem the tide of anxiety when scapegoating is set in motion – in a family, in a team, or in any emotional system?”

Then a friend tweeted this article out and I was struck by it’s relevance to these discussions and it was a powerful example of how a father stemmed the tide of scapegoating in his own family and then how his 7 year old son has begun to stem the tide of scapegoating in the larger sports world.

Here’s the article here: http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/awwww-read-seven-old-heart-melting-letter-kyle-214810120.html

Observations about diffusing anxiety in systems that starts to get over-focused on an individual that are reinforced in this example:

• There’s a needed capacity to be sad, to grieve, to let go after dealing with hurt and loss honestly

• There’s a needed capacity to be able to think about, empathize with, and move towards others even while we are hurt or angry ourselves

• There’s a needed capacity to ask questions to those who are wrapped up in anxiety to the point where they are lost and help them refocus or reframe all of the emotion and anxiety they are feeling

• There’s a need to maintain a larger perspective as best as we can

Those are just a few of the things that diffuse scapegoating systems – that help guard against toxic anxiety coping and pain relief and that can free us up to function in loving and peacemaking types of ways.

Don’t be a party to scapegoating and don’t let others become scapegoated.  Make this a key part of your leadership convictions and be a part of redemptive and forgiving community. Let’s guard our own hearts and help guard others from unjust blame and judgment.

What other observations might you have about what it takes to stem the tide of scapegoating?

**Addendum – Since posting this, I’ve heard a couple different interviews in which Kyle Williams did.  I think this was a smart decision on his part and he came off really well.  By staying silent or being defensive he feeds into the dynamic.  But facing the music, he infused the discussion with a reminder of his (and all of our) humanity.  It’s harder to treat someone like dirt when they are humbly and courageously owning up to their mistakes.

Have you felt like there were some situations or places where you really felt like you were growing?  Strong, healthy, empowered?

And then maybe you also find yourself in other situations or places, but you don’t feel like those descriptions are true.  Maybe there are places or situations where you find yourself weak, anxious, powerless, angry, or maybe even just young and immature.

I believe Maturity is Contextual.

What does that mean?  Well it means there are some places you might actually function pretty maturely and there are others in which we find ourselves giving expression to various dysfunctions and immature behavior that maybe we had forgotten existed or that we’re not aware of yet.

I think a majority of folks have a paradigm of maturity that is linear – you grow or mature and it’s kind of like a static thing that you take with you wherever you go. You don’t regress…you keep climbing the mountain of adulthood.  It’s kind of linear in that it’s like a straight line on a graph. Maturity = growth and transformation over time.

I think there’s a kernel of truth there.  But we also in some ways are different people in different places.  Each context or situation is a different emotional system.  They are made up by the unique collection of people and players.  What’s important for this discussion is that each setting we might find ourselves in, the pressures upon us and the challenges to our identity and maturity vary greatly because dynamics change with different people.  So authority relationships, family, gender, ethnicity and race, and host of other factors shape our experience of our contexts.  And you know what – different situations often tap into different things. Sometimes we don’t have to grow up in some places because people don’t make us.   However we can’t get away with those same things in a different context because the expectations are different.

This is part of why even grown men and women can feel and act like children or adolescents when they return to their parent’s home.  Or maybe it’s why even very mature and experienced leaders can’t speak up in the face of perceived authority.  Whatever it is – we don’t act the same across the board.  Therefore we develop differently in differently places, because those places call us to grow up in different ways (except for those places which work to not let us grow up at all in the first place).

I worked with short-term international mission teams for about five years so I got to work with students and staff of my organization before, during, and after significant and often intense cross-cultural experiences in various places around the world.  It wasn’t uncommon during a debrief or conflict mediation session to hear someone express in frustration, “That wasn’t me.  I don’t know what happened.  That wasn’t really me.”

Now we all know that feeling and understand what’s being communicated there.  But I always tried to ask the question, “Well, who was it then?”

Sometimes we regress, a situation or team or relationship or dynamic draws out the worst in us.  There’s often flat out sin involved too as a result of immature reactivity.  Usually there’s also an exposure of areas that are immature – that haven’t grown up yet.  And it’s hard to integrate those immature moments, those childlike moments with those experiences in which we feel like we’re on top of our game and where we feel good about ourselves and what we want people to see and experience from us.

Maturity is contextual in that it is through unique contexts and situations in which we are formed and shaped and challenged and exposed.  Yet maturity is not purely contextual as we seek to integrate our sense of self, allowing us to become someone who is consistent, who embodies integrity and wholeness, and who can embrace the challenge to grow up as a result of whatever challenge that comes. I’m speaking here more on a developmental level rather than on the theological/sanctification level.

Who we are is not “somewhere in between” our best environments and our worst.  Who we are is both.  Our underlying character gaps and our immaturity or vulnerable to sin areas are exposed more in certain settings – and they should drive us towards grace and humility and learning.

But we should be mindful that in our best environments – we might have a false sense of confidence about just how far we’ve come.  I’m not talking about pride per se.  I’m talking about a monstrous blind spot that comes from failing to recognize that we function really well in some contexts and situations because our weaknesses are not tested in those moments or places as they are others.  This is why people in power can go a long way and maybe never really recognize how many glaring holes in their character are really there.

So as you think about your own growth and development – recognize that it’s fluid, it’s environmentally influenced, and it’s a sign of maturity to do the work of integrating your self as different contexts experience you differently. That’s where you really experience grace and exhibit authentic humility as a person and leader.

And remember this warning – you might not be mature in the setting in which you function most.  You might simply be lucky – lucky that you’re set up in a situation in which your true character just isn’t tested or challenged or exposed.  We have seasons like that.  But those seasons come to an end sooner or later and we’ll have a test of our character and convictions. Our maturity then may be exposed both by the situation…and then how we respond after we find ourselves in the light in new ways.

My littlest is trying to start a new social phenomenon – laundry basketing. It’s the new planking.

It’s contagious.

]]> http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/new-phenomenon-laundry-basketing/feed/ 2 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/new-phenomenon-laundry-basketing/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/brianvirtue/blogginbeav/~3/p5TYeCNrQbA/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/the-gift-our-fish-gave-us/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 06:42:28 +0000 Beav http://www.brianvirtue.org/?p=4506

Last week was a bit traumatic for my kids.  Not only did we have our 1st ER trip with our infant’s newfound peanut reaction, but we suffered our first pet death.

We knew this day would come for this $2 pet we bought a long time ago.  It lived twice as long as they told us it would.  This betta fish lived 2 1/2 years before taking that great journey to the sea.

Having a fish was not exactly “rewarding” in the same way that having a dog would be.  Most of the time I don’t think any of us remembered our fish was there.  It did provide some educational moments where our kids learned to be responsible and in different ways “take care of” the fish by feeding it.  But in the aftermath of her death, Parade the fish, ended up giving our family a great gift.

She gave the gift of grieving.

Parade gave my oldest kids their first experience to grief and provided us as parents the opportunity to walk our kids through the experience well, modeling an important life skill.

I would not have guessed my kids would have had so much feeling about this betta fish which they usually just ignore.  But this was a BIG deal and there was many tears and questions.  So it was clear we needed to have a memorial service.  So I conducted my first funeral – and it was for a betta fish.

We had our kids draw a picture of parade and have that kind of space to do something where they felt like they were contributing to saying Good-bye (see picture above).  Perhaps there was a bit of “art therapy” to that    But we found that having that kind of direction gave them some focus and helped them to feel better about saying good-bye.  They liked drawing pictures of parade and it was significant for them as we watched.

We had a little service where each person shared a memory of parade and something they appreciated about them.  It was CRAZY what our kids remembered and some of the moments that they connected with this fish.  Morgan remembers when we bought parade – which was just after she turned 4.  But there were vivid memories.  The sharing of those took this journey from a “kid crisis” to a family experience or family moment.  It was quite powerful actually to hear my small kids honoring a fish out of their connection to it and not because they know “what grieving is supposed to look like.”

We had a little prayer for the fish where everyone prayed and there were genuine prayers by our 6 and 4 year olds.  But that brought some deep crying where at one point we were in definite wailing territory.

But then it was time to say good-bye.  Parade was flushed to the great beyond.  That sparked hysteria for a time, but they regrouped.  In retrospect we might have buried the fish instead, because the kids boycotted using that bathroom for a while

When we were done, it was clear that what could have easily been dismissed quickly by quickly replacing the fish or blowing off its impact on our kids turned into a significant family moment and a formational experience for my kids.  We want them to learn to be sad, to deal with loss with honesty and courage as opposed to how so many seek to avoid feeling loss.  There was a purging of pain that night from little souls, but it helped them.

The arena of grieving and loss in children is routinely minimized and overlooked by adults and we’re thankful that this is a benign experience that provided some opportunities for modeling.

So parade was well worth the $2 for all of what she offered my kids and our family.

But it should be noted for posterity – Parade was a boy.  It’s appropriate to confess that we got the boy fish because they look prettier than girl betta fishes and our daughter thought it was a girl.  So perhaps in return for the gift Parade gave to us, we scarred it by naming it and treating it like a girl.  There – I feel released from the deception