In the Systems & Power Leadership Community I facilitate yearly, one of the dynamics we explore relates to anxiety in groups and emotional systems and one of the things that we explore is scapegoating.   Last weekend, we had an epic NFL championship Sunday in which two games came down to the wire and ended amidst dramatic circumstances.  They had something in common:  they both featured horrible mistakes that led to a couple players becoming scapegoats for the loss.

In the aftermath of the 49ers v. Giants game, the scapegoat Kyle Williams even received death threats towards himself and his family.  A game suddenly is no longer a game and toxic anger takes over on a wide level.

The question our leadership community has been tossing around these last couple of weeks has been, “What is needed to stem the tide of anxiety when scapegoating is set in motion – in a family, in a team, or in any emotional system?”

Then a friend tweeted this article out and I was struck by it’s relevance to these discussions and it was a powerful example of how a father stemmed the tide of scapegoating in his own family and then how his 7 year old son has begun to stem the tide of scapegoating in the larger sports world.

Here’s the article here: http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/awwww-read-seven-old-heart-melting-letter-kyle-214810120.html

Observations about diffusing anxiety in systems that starts to get over-focused on an individual that are reinforced in this example:

• There’s a needed capacity to be sad, to grieve, to let go after dealing with hurt and loss honestly

• There’s a needed capacity to be able to think about, empathize with, and move towards others even while we are hurt or angry ourselves

• There’s a needed capacity to ask questions to those who are wrapped up in anxiety to the point where they are lost and help them refocus or reframe all of the emotion and anxiety they are feeling

• There’s a need to maintain a larger perspective as best as we can

Those are just a few of the things that diffuse scapegoating systems – that help guard against toxic anxiety coping and pain relief and that can free us up to function in loving and peacemaking types of ways.

Don’t be a party to scapegoating and don’t let others become scapegoated.  Make this a key part of your leadership convictions and be a part of redemptive and forgiving community. Let’s guard our own hearts and help guard others from unjust blame and judgment.

What other observations might you have about what it takes to stem the tide of scapegoating?

Have you felt like there were some situations or places where you really felt like you were growing?  Strong, healthy, empowered?

And then maybe you also find yourself in other situations or places, but you don’t feel like those descriptions are true.  Maybe there are places or situations where you find yourself weak, anxious, powerless, angry, or maybe even just young and immature.

I believe Maturity is Contextual.

What does that mean?  Well it means there are some places you might actually function pretty maturely and there are others in which we find ourselves giving expression to various dysfunctions and immature behavior that maybe we had forgotten existed or that we’re not aware of yet.

I think a majority of folks have a paradigm of maturity that is linear – you grow or mature and it’s kind of like a static thing that you take with you wherever you go. You don’t regress…you keep climbing the mountain of adulthood.  It’s kind of linear in that it’s like a straight line on a graph. Maturity = growth and transformation over time.

I think there’s a kernel of truth there.  But we also in some ways are different people in different places.  Each context or situation is a different emotional system.  They are made up by the unique collection of people and players.  What’s important for this discussion is that each setting we might find ourselves in, the pressures upon us and the challenges to our identity and maturity vary greatly because dynamics change with different people.  So authority relationships, family, gender, ethnicity and race, and host of other factors shape our experience of our contexts.  And you know what – different situations often tap into different things. Sometimes we don’t have to grow up in some places because people don’t make us.   However we can’t get away with those same things in a different context because the expectations are different.

This is part of why even grown men and women can feel and act like children or adolescents when they return to their parent’s home.  Or maybe it’s why even very mature and experienced leaders can’t speak up in the face of perceived authority.  Whatever it is – we don’t act the same across the board.  Therefore we develop differently in differently places, because those places call us to grow up in different ways (except for those places which work to not let us grow up at all in the first place).

I worked with short-term international mission teams for about five years so I got to work with students and staff of my organization before, during, and after significant and often intense cross-cultural experiences in various places around the world.  It wasn’t uncommon during a debrief or conflict mediation session to hear someone express in frustration, “That wasn’t me.  I don’t know what happened.  That wasn’t really me.”

Now we all know that feeling and understand what’s being communicated there.  But I always tried to ask the question, “Well, who was it then?”

Sometimes we regress, a situation or team or relationship or dynamic draws out the worst in us.  There’s often flat out sin involved too as a result of immature reactivity.  Usually there’s also an exposure of areas that are immature – that haven’t grown up yet.  And it’s hard to integrate those immature moments, those childlike moments with those experiences in which we feel like we’re on top of our game and where we feel good about ourselves and what we want people to see and experience from us.

Maturity is contextual in that it is through unique contexts and situations in which we are formed and shaped and challenged and exposed.  Yet maturity is not purely contextual as we seek to integrate our sense of self, allowing us to become someone who is consistent, who embodies integrity and wholeness, and who can embrace the challenge to grow up as a result of whatever challenge that comes. I’m speaking here more on a developmental level rather than on the theological/sanctification level.

Who we are is not “somewhere in between” our best environments and our worst.  Who we are is both.  Our underlying character gaps and our immaturity or vulnerable to sin areas are exposed more in certain settings – and they should drive us towards grace and humility and learning.

But we should be mindful that in our best environments – we might have a false sense of confidence about just how far we’ve come.  I’m not talking about pride per se.  I’m talking about a monstrous blind spot that comes from failing to recognize that we function really well in some contexts and situations because our weaknesses are not tested in those moments or places as they are others.  This is why people in power can go a long way and maybe never really recognize how many glaring holes in their character are really there.

So as you think about your own growth and development – recognize that it’s fluid, it’s environmentally influenced, and it’s a sign of maturity to do the work of integrating your self as different contexts experience you differently. That’s where you really experience grace and exhibit authentic humility as a person and leader.

And remember this warning – you might not be mature in the setting in which you function most.  You might simply be lucky – lucky that you’re set up in a situation in which your true character just isn’t tested or challenged or exposed.  We have seasons like that.  But those seasons come to an end sooner or later and we’ll have a test of our character and convictions. Our maturity then may be exposed both by the situation…and then how we respond after we find ourselves in the light in new ways.

My littlest is trying to start a new social phenomenon – laundry basketing. It’s the new planking.

It’s contagious.

]]> http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/new-phenomenon-laundry-basketing/feed/ 2 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/new-phenomenon-laundry-basketing/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/brianvirtue/blogginbeav/~3/p5TYeCNrQbA/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2012/01/the-gift-our-fish-gave-us/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 06:42:28 +0000 Beav http://www.brianvirtue.org/?p=4506

Last week was a bit traumatic for my kids.  Not only did we have our 1st ER trip with our infant’s newfound peanut reaction, but we suffered our first pet death.

We knew this day would come for this $2 pet we bought a long time ago.  It lived twice as long as they told us it would.  This betta fish lived 2 1/2 years before taking that great journey to the sea.

Having a fish was not exactly “rewarding” in the same way that having a dog would be.  Most of the time I don’t think any of us remembered our fish was there.  It did provide some educational moments where our kids learned to be responsible and in different ways “take care of” the fish by feeding it.  But in the aftermath of her death, Parade the fish, ended up giving our family a great gift.

She gave the gift of grieving.

Parade gave my oldest kids their first experience to grief and provided us as parents the opportunity to walk our kids through the experience well, modeling an important life skill.

I would not have guessed my kids would have had so much feeling about this betta fish which they usually just ignore.  But this was a BIG deal and there was many tears and questions.  So it was clear we needed to have a memorial service.  So I conducted my first funeral – and it was for a betta fish.

We had our kids draw a picture of parade and have that kind of space to do something where they felt like they were contributing to saying Good-bye (see picture above).  Perhaps there was a bit of “art therapy” to that    But we found that having that kind of direction gave them some focus and helped them to feel better about saying good-bye.  They liked drawing pictures of parade and it was significant for them as we watched.

We had a little service where each person shared a memory of parade and something they appreciated about them.  It was CRAZY what our kids remembered and some of the moments that they connected with this fish.  Morgan remembers when we bought parade – which was just after she turned 4.  But there were vivid memories.  The sharing of those took this journey from a “kid crisis” to a family experience or family moment.  It was quite powerful actually to hear my small kids honoring a fish out of their connection to it and not because they know “what grieving is supposed to look like.”

We had a little prayer for the fish where everyone prayed and there were genuine prayers by our 6 and 4 year olds.  But that brought some deep crying where at one point we were in definite wailing territory.

But then it was time to say good-bye.  Parade was flushed to the great beyond.  That sparked hysteria for a time, but they regrouped.  In retrospect we might have buried the fish instead, because the kids boycotted using that bathroom for a while

When we were done, it was clear that what could have easily been dismissed quickly by quickly replacing the fish or blowing off its impact on our kids turned into a significant family moment and a formational experience for my kids.  We want them to learn to be sad, to deal with loss with honesty and courage as opposed to how so many seek to avoid feeling loss.  There was a purging of pain that night from little souls, but it helped them.

The arena of grieving and loss in children is routinely minimized and overlooked by adults and we’re thankful that this is a benign experience that provided some opportunities for modeling.

So parade was well worth the $2 for all of what she offered my kids and our family.

But it should be noted for posterity – Parade was a boy.  It’s appropriate to confess that we got the boy fish because they look prettier than girl betta fishes and our daughter thought it was a girl.  So perhaps in return for the gift Parade gave to us, we scarred it by naming it and treating it like a girl.  There – I feel released from the deception

A while back I said I would do a quick review on the Hunger Games Trilogy.  For me – that means telling you what I liked about it, giving you maybe enough to go on to make a decision about reading them if you’re looking for an enjoyable fiction escape in the near future.

My friend Adam told me about them this summer.  I downloaded the first free when Amazon put it up free for Kindle for a time.  Then over the Christmas break I read it along with the other two in the trilogy.

I’ve described it as a cross between Survivor, Gladiator, and the old Schwarzenegger movie “The Running Man.”  It’s a post apocalyptic scenario, but the central figure is a 16/17 year old girl who chooses to offer herself up for a yearly gladiatorial games in place of her sister who was chosen.   The second and third books deal with the implications of the first book for their society as a whole – namely a revolution.

What I liked – it’s a good story first and foremost and keeps you engaged.  There’s a lot of Roman allusions and references throughout, including the whole concept of the spectacle of a gladiatorial games to maintain control of society.  As an ancient history major in college among other things, I enjoyed those connection points immensely.

There is some teen angst, but it’s that bad and it’s not the primary driving force of the narrative.  There’s enough of the romance angle to add a good dimension to the story, but not enough to make you want to puke as in other popular young adult fiction series’ out there right now (read: Twilight).

But they are a great escape and are written in a way that I think appeal to men and women.  Sometimes it’s just good to read fun books from time to time.  Books like this help me from not taking myself too seriously all the time.

If you’re looking for a good and entertaining read, this probably won’t disappoint.  The first one is definitely worth reading on it’s own even if you don’t want to commit to all 3 right away.

There – I continue to champion the young adult fiction genre as my escape from all the non-fiction and theology and leadership content I am always reading. Enjoy

Had a scare this week.  Our littlest had her first taste of peanut butter and turns out she’s got a strong allergy.  Within a couple minutes she started swelling up, got a rash throughout her face, chest, and back, and started vomited and losing energy.  My wife handled it great while I rushed back, but it reached a point where the Dr. told us we needed to call 911 so we had our first family ER trip.

My 4 year old son witnessed the whole thing and handled it great.  Now he’s feels bonded with firefighters and got to ride in the ambulance.

But there are times where it’s just good to be thankful that everybody’s ok.  Now we have to get educated.

But as I’ve told people, the irony of all ironies is that “Peanut” is one of my main nicknames for my baby girl.  Probably am going to need to change that

So I’ve been watching parts of the original Star Wars with my young son as he’s been getting into it.  I realized there is some great typology and examples of how people deal with conflict, stress, or adversity.   So here we go:

Luke Skywalker:  The Whiner
Degenerates into complaining and whining when things don’t go their way.

Quote: “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!”

Princess Leia: The Reactor
Responds reactively to uncomfortability with hostility and aggression

Quote: “I don’t know where you get your delusions laser brain.”
“Can someone get this walking carpet out of my way?”

Han Solo: The Delusional Narcissis
Interprets everything to come out as the ultimate winner in every situation.  Sees things through self-absorbed lens.

Quote: “I had everything under control until you led us down here.”
“Sometimes I even amaze myself.”
“Better her than me.”

C-3PO: The Blamer
Always must find the origin of problems in somebody else.  Usually includes a measure of whining. Victim complex.

Quote: “This is all your fault.”
“This is all your fault.”
“This is all his fault.”

Chewbacca: The Incoherent Babbler
When things get hard or tense, the mouth sometimes opens but nothing helpful ever makes it out. They never are able to share enough to be known or really know others.  They are resigned to permanent sidekick status in life.

Quote: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargghhh!”

R2D2: The Person (Droid) of Action
Doesn’t fall for all the BS around him/her.  Just stays the course and courageously does what he needs to do despite the nonsense or chaos going on.

Quote: “Assorted beeps and clicks.”

Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Sacrificial Leader
The mature one who knows when it’s time to take one for the team. This would be a positive example of sacrifice in comparison to the victim martyr complex often demonstrated by C-3PO.

Quote: “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine.”

(Bonus)
Sandpeople: The Bandwagon Coward
Courageous as long as he or she’s got a posse behind them.  Total coward when standing on their own and easily intimidated.

Quote: “Aaarp.  Aarp.  Aarp…”

I’m sure your life is better now for having read that.  This is some of what happens you’ve seen a movie dozens of times

So the question is, “Do you see yourself in Star Wars: A New Hope?”

Now that it’s 2012 I wanted to post a few of the most viewed and most popular posts from 2011.  These are in no particular order and they cover a lot of different territory.  I learned in 2011 that a 3rd child and infant in the house decreased by blogging by 50%.  But here’s some of the better efforts of the year, excluding family based on how people have responded.

Self-Leadership: The Adventure of Spoon Collecting (A Blogference Post)

Wanting Something That’s Just Not There (Relationships)

The Five Postures Article

Those Who Make Them Become Like Them (Organizations/Structures)

Is God Free to Oppose Your Leadership?

Movements, Mission, & Motion

How Transferability Undermines Transformation

Because People Aren’t Transferable

Where Were We? Where Are We Now? (From “Future of Cru” Series, Ethnic Minority Ministry)

Turning the Corner on Sex in Marriage

It’s never too late to check them out and leave some comments or your own thoughts!

Thanks for reading and supporting the blog!

It’s that time to post my top books of 2011.  I’ll confess – as this year witnessed my liberation from grad school after 9 years part-time, I hit a little more fiction in my routine than normal. So here are some ideas perhaps for you in 2012!  If you have a good one, leave a comment with what you liked in 2011.

So here’s my top 5 of 2011:

5.  The Killer of Little Shepherds by Douglass Starr – Fascinating account of the origins of forensic science.  It was like CSI: 18th Century France.  But fascinating book on a variety of levels.

4.  Scripture as Communication by Jeannine Brown – Really good Hermeneutics text book by a former prof of mine.  Just really enjoyable and sound to read.

3.  The Hunger Games Trilogy – I’ll do a review on these books shortly since I just finished a few days ago, but very good series even if it’s in the “Young Adult” genre.  The movie on the first book is coming out in a couple of months.  It’s a cross between Survivor and the old Schwarzenegger movie “The Running Man.”

2.  A Door Set Open  by Peter Steinke – A fantastic book, the 4th of his series on Congregational Systems.  I’m using it in my systems and power leadership community as one of the required texts. It’s a helpful book focused on mobilizing congregations towards change and mission.

1.  King Jesus Gospel by Scott McKnight – By far the book that got me thinking the most this year and that was most formative.  I still think a lot about it a couple months later.

Honorable mention starting with what would be #6 and on.

Junia is Not Alone by Scott McKnight

Do the Work by Steven Pressfield

The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan (My guilty pleasure)

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Trilogy by Stiegg Larson

For 2010 Best Books Go Here.

For 2009 and a few years prior Go Here.

]]> http://www.brianvirtue.org/2011/12/beavs-favorite-books-from-2011/feed/ 1 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2011/12/beavs-favorite-books-from-2011/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/brianvirtue/blogginbeav/~3/5ws-wCZPius/ http://www.brianvirtue.org/2011/12/good-times-over-the-break/#comments Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:38:01 +0000 Beav http://www.brianvirtue.org/?p=4425

The last couple of weeks have been full of down time and family time, Christmas, and another birthday for yours truly.  Here’s a couple of the highlights:

Fossilized Dinosaur Dung – Apparently It Still Stinks

My Littlest One Getting Her 1st Jeep Ride

Hit the Star Wars Exhibit at the Discovery Science Center
My son’s big on stormtroopers – this may classify as idol worship

Good Times!