Happy Anniversary to Me! 

In two days, on July 10^th, I celebrate my eighth year in business. Yippee!

I’ve come a long way, baby, and wanted to share with you eight (of many!) lessons I’ve learned on the journey. Some taught to me by others, some discovered the hard way.

1. Employ the 96-minute rule. I learned this from friend and fantastic productivity consultant, Wendy Ellin, President of Momentum. I was already sufficiently organized with my papers and files, but Wendy opened my eyes about how I organized my time each day. The 96-minute rule is based on the famous 80/20 rule. Essentially, if you get 80% of your success from 20% of your activity…  why not focus on that critical 20% first thing each day?  Twenty percent of an eight-hour day is 96 minutes. So, spend the first 96 minutes of your day on your highest-payoff activity. When I do this, I always get a positive result. Always. For me, that high-payoff activity is usually following up with warm leads, executing a marketing campaign, creating products or service offerings, doing some creative brainstorming to grow my business or solve a problem. It’s usually the “important but not urgent” items on my to-do list. It never involves checking email or Facebook, reading ezines or poking around on the Internet. Those activities are important, too, but I reserve other timeslots for those tasks. Give the 96-minute rule a try – you will be amazed at the result!
2. Clarify and magnify your business vision. What is the greater mission that you are using your business to achieve? You may have the goal of making money (me too!), but if that is the only driving force, it gets a little tedious and imprisoning. Money is great, but a sustainable business is built on something more meaningful – money should become a result, not a focus. When money is your focus, you lose your bearings more easily and get sidetracked by every potential money-making venture that comes along. Think of your business as a living, breathing entity that you are in relationship with. When a new opportunity crops up, ask your business – not your current emotions – what the best decision is. Of course your personal satisfaction is important. But if you start with “What’s best for the business?” you will often end up melding your business’ needs with your own personal excitement and energy for the new idea. That’s ideal!
3. Don’t cheap out. When you invest in equipment, education, experts and other resources that are key to running your business, don’t automatically pick the lowest-cost option. Do your research and then purchase wisely at the best price you can get. Buy equipment that will serve about twice your current need, so you can grow into it and then outgrow it later.  Because I coach over the phone, I needed a super reliable headset. I must have blown through five $40 headsets in the first two years before finally investing $250 in a top-quality one that has now lasted me six years – and gives me 100% confidence that it will work well every call. I’ve wasted more money on cheap stuff, “free” training, bargain assistants…  and had to learn the hard way to just bite the bullet and pay for top quality in the first place. This doesn’t mean being stupid with your budget – it just means thinking bigger picture with your purchases.
4. Let your business identity emerge naturally. By “business identity,” I mean your external branded image – your business name, logo, website URL. Some get it in a flash of lightening. Others take years. Most are in the middle. It’s okay, just let it reveal itself to you. In the meantime, focus on building the business and moving forward. Don’t let the “what to name your business” decision slow you down. If you haven’t come up with an inspired idea yet, just give it any old name and get on with it. You can evolve with the inspired brand later. I have changed my business identity twice in eight years and it has not hurt me – it actually created new opportunities for me (although I’m in love with my current BrilliantVisions identity and not planning to change for a long time!)  Key note about branding: Your business name & logo are only a mere sliver of what we call “branding.” The process you consistently use, the messages you broadcast, the promises you make, the way you treat your clients… those are much bigger elements of branding.
5. Make relationships take TOP priority. Especially if — when – you screw up! You might think I’m talking about client relationships. Well, of course these are very important to nurture. But I see a lot of entrepreneurs treating their customers as “kings,” but casting vendors and potential joint venture partners as second-class citizens. Treat your vendors with the same regard you treat your best clients and you will get amazing service. And don’t hold back from building great, authentic relationships with your competitors – shocking, I know! You never know when a competitor becomes your best ally. It’s happened for me – instead of allowing one competitor make me feel threatened, I built a relationship that turned into a collaboration, a force to be reckoned with! 
6. Never stop seed sowing. Mind what’s in front of you now, but keep expanding your vision and planting seeds for later. Relationships, ideas, and opportunities that are new and tenuous right now could be the most fruitful later. Don’t sacrifice the future for the present. Also, those entrepreneurs who had robust marketing programs in full swing during the good times have mostly fared well during the economic downturn because they had already filled up their pipelines. Create a marketing program and system that will keep working for you even when you become covered up in client work. 
7. Take care of yourself. Feed and nurture your spiritual, physical, emotional and mental selves on a routine (daily) basis. If you are the driver of your business – doesn’t it make good sense to keep your “engine” fully tuned up and have plenty of fuel in the tank? While we are on this topic, cultivate your relationships with family and friends. Entrepreneurs are notorious for putting these important relationships to the side when work takes over. Don’t let that happen. 
8. Plan, Plan, Plan. In some of my corporate jobs, I held project manager roles that taught me important planning concepts. And as a business owner, I have learned to become downright compulsive about planning. Starting with the big picture – my vision for my life and my business – and working back to the “how-tos” and smaller details, I am at my best when each endeavor is fully planned out. My natural inclination is to be more spontaneous, but I’ve learned that creating reliable systems gives me space to wing it at times. It’s a nice mix for my personality. You have to find your own mix, but I recommend that you err on the side of more planning, less winging. Then you can always shift the balance after you begin to gain momentum.

I’m thrilled to be celebrating the eighth anniversary of my business — it’s a major milestone for me! What lessons have you learned in your business? Please share!

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”  ~Thomas A. Edison

I know you’ve heard this many times, but it bears repeating: Failure = Opportunity to Learn.

A device I use to remember this comes from a story I heard many years ago during a coach training class. We had just been taught a new skill and were about to practice with a classmate, which can be quite a nerve-wracking experience. The instructor told us a story from a training she had previously attended. The story has been so powerful and useful for me, I’m passing it along to you:

She was in a class, learning a new skill. And her instructor asked the students to do the following: Whenever anyone made an error or failed in applying the new skill, they were to leap enthusiastically up out of their chair, throw both arms up in the air and yell with gleeful gusto, “FANTASTIC!”  This was an all-day course, with lots of skill practice going on – so each student got many opportunities to yell, “FANTASTIC!”

The effects of this crazy learning technique are profound:

• The silliness and exuberance that rippled around the classroom lightened the mood and calmed the nerves that often come with clumsy first attempts at practicing any new skill (especially in front of others!).
• Hearing cries of,  “FANTASTIC!” percolate through the course all day long was a reassuring and community-building reminder that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.
• Leaping up to yell, “FANTASTIC!” shifted the energy so radically from guarded hesitation to uninhibited, freewheeling experimentation – the students learned a great deal more because the atmosphere actually made it fun and acceptable to fail!

Naturally, I’d love to see you try this technique to help you convert your own failures into learning.

But the bigger question I’m asking you as a leader is: How can you infuse this mindset of “FANTASTIC!” into your leadership style? How can you create an atmosphere among your team that mistakes and failure are not reasons to lambast, but opportunities to invite creative new solutions? If your people are afraid to fail for fear that they will get “marked down” in some way, they will instinctively tighten up and back away from the experimentation that leads to innovation.

You might find ways to repeat this “FANTASTIC!” exercise with your team. But even without this specific activity, you would serve yourself and your team well by stepping back to reflect on how your personal style either invites or stifles the creativity that is often born of failure.

What if Thomas Edison were on your team? Would the atmosphere you’ve created invite him to continue trying to invent the light bulb, one failure at a time? Or would you just be in the dark?

Did you know that having regular massage can improve your business? It can, and there is even scientific proof!

A study by the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami compared workers who received massage with workers who were asked to relax and close their eyes for the same period of time. Those receiving the massage showed lower stress hormones, were more alert, and completed math problems faster and with fewer errors than before they were massaged. (Click here to read an abstract of the study.)

Your business puts a heap of demands on your mind, body and spirit. Massage is an excellent way to refuel so that your brilliance can fully surge forth for your business. It’s a no-brainer that this will only improve your bottom line!

The Business Case for Massage

Two Atlanta companies seem to grasp the business case for massage. Each of these businesses has retained – on an ongoing basis – the services of Betsey Brogan, a licensed massage therapist. One company is a top tier law firm, the other is a successful car dealership.

The law firm offers Betsey’s massage services to its employees. The employees pay directly, but the firm encourages them to take advantage of the service, which is so popular that years ago, the firm provided Betsey with an office and a phone extension at their Atlanta location. Having the opportunity to go for a chair massage on site has been a great boost for employees – which ultimately benefits the firm.

Over the 15 years that Betsey has provided chair massage to the firm’s employees, she has seen many benefits:

• Fewer sick days taken – No one wants to miss their massage day! Plus, receiving a massage often triggers an increased desire to adopt other healthy habits in general. “Often, people tell me that after a massage, they are more mindful of getting good sleep, drinking water instead of soda, and just treating their bodies better,” says Betsey.
• Appreciation and camaraderie building – Employees give each other massage gift certificates as a reward or thank you, and the firm gives massage time as part of their recognition of employee anniversary dates. Betsey tells one story about a partner who, after completing a particularly grueling marathon case, rewarded his team of 6 paralegals with an hour of massage each. What a great way to raise positivity in the workplace!
• Spirit lifting – One employee gifted her boss with a 20-minute massage. Not only did it get him out of her hair for a while, but she knew it would lift his spirits and make him easier to work with. “Even after just a 15-minute chair massage, people go back to work more bright-eyed and bushy tailed and with a better attitude,” Betsey notes.

She likes to quote her Mom, who once said about Betsey’s massage practice, “Bets, you are creating world peace, one person at a time.”

A large car dealer hired Betsey to provide 15-minute chair massages for customers waiting on their cars to be serviced. “Even when they began cutting costs because of the economy, they kept me on at a reduced rate,” says Betsey. Clearly this customer-focused dealership sees that the benefits of the chair massage service ripples out to a positive impact on the business.

Betsey agrees that regular massage improves your resilience in the face of life’s trying circumstances, whether you’re forking over money for an unexpected car repair or covered up with a stressful workload. And when we create this kind of healthy self-care regimen for ourselves, we are more fit to care for our clients and our business.

Says Betsey, “I love my job because people are excited to see me, they feel better and are better off when they leave.”

Feel free to contact Betsey to schedule a massage. Even if you are not in the Atlanta area, she would still be happy to talk with you if you have any questions about the benefits of massage. Contact: Betsey Brogan, LMT, betseycmt@comcast.net.

Often, new clients come to coaching because they feel trapped in their jobs. Trapped by money, loyalty guilt and quite often, fear of the unknowns of a new job. They hate Monday mornings, resent management decisions and often feel quite stressed out.

There is actually a cure for this misery!

And you don’t even have to quit your job to experience this cure. Certainly, that is one option, but unless you take a spoonful of the cure I’m about to offer, you are likely to transfer your “trapped woe” right over to the next job. So, whether you stay or go, I highly recommend this amazing cure.

Here it is… are you ready? The cure is… adopt the mindset of someone who is self employed.

Now, I can already hear your protests: “But I’m not self-employed, I work for the man!” Or, “I have no idea how to just up and change my mindset.”

I’m not saying it’s easy-peasy, but it is absolutely possible. I did this back when I worked in the corporate world, before I became literally self-employed. The circumstances of my job did not change, but my reaction to it and my enjoyment of work and life shifted monumentally. Once I freed myself – mentally – from what had previously felt like a trapped situation, voila, I was no longer trapped!

A client made this shift about a year ago. He was unhappy at work, but the logistics kept him from quitting outright. He took a stab at viewing his job differently. And it worked. He began viewing this job as a stepping stone to the next job. From this new mental perspective, he wasn’t trapped in this job, he was just on a bridge to the next career move (still undefined). He essentially relaxed his grip on the job, held it a little more loosely. The cool part was that over time, his new mindset resulted in less stress and a more positive attitude toward his company, colleagues and the work itself. And guess what? That new attitude showed up in his demeanor, ability to work with his team, and even his creativity. He is still working there today, is well respected and even escaped two rounds of layoffs. He is still keeping his eye out for the next move – but in the meantime, he is enjoying his work (which spills into other areas of his life) and the company is getting a better worker with the deal. What’s not to like?

Try it right now – try on the idea that you are self-employed and your big client happens to be the company you now work for. As a “free agent,” you are choosing to continue working with this particular client (your company), you are not dependent on them – rather, you are agreeing to a collaborative relationship with them: You provide an agreed-upon level of skill, productivity and creative energy in exchange for your “consulting” fee (a.k.a. your salary). You want to preserve your good reputation in the marketplace, so you do your best possible job and provide great customer service.

Remember, you do this silently, within your own mind – don’t go telling your boss what you are up to! But if you can make this mindset shift, and really be consistent with it, your working experience will improve. (Note: If you work in a truly abusive situation, that is another story.)

Here are some differences in the employee vs. the self-employed mindsets:

“I’m an employee of this company.”

• I’m loyal to the company and expect the company to be loyal to me – we are like family.
• My fate is in the hands of my company’s management. Closed door meetings scare me!
• I’ve earned a certain amount of seniority, so I am more secure here. Or, the opposite: because I am a senior staff member, paid a higher salary than others, I’m at risk for being laid off.
• I’m a dedicated “company man/woman,” my self-identity is linked to this company.
• I used to share my good ideas, but I grew tired of getting shot down. Creativity means more work, dealing with politics and bureaucracy.
• I am financially dependent on this job. If I lose it, I’m sunk.

“I am self-employed and have one big client (the current employer).”

• I care about and am very committed to my client – the company, the people, the mission. But I am not attached.
• I do great work and serve this client at my highest level of ability, until I move onto the next gig.
• My own professional and personal reputation is my most important asset. I do everything I can to preserve my good standing – including working well with my team, communicating clearly and directly, treating my client (company) with great respect, even if I don’t agree with the way they handle things.
• I’m always looking out for the next client (new job), and may even have a side gig (for example, a hobby you convert into revenue activity)
• My marketing materials (resumé, LinkedIn profile, etc.) are strong and I keep a close eye on the marketplace (job market), following hot prospects and keeping my options open for a potential new client (new job).
• I take creative risks because I am more passionate about my work than I am about the company.
  Even if I disagree with management’s approach, I feel proud of my accomplishments and know that I’m truly doing my best work.
• I eagerly seek out any training or coaching that will help me, as an individual, improve. I don’t expect my client (company) to pay for this, but if they do, I appreciate the gift.
• I expect the client (company) to uphold their end of the contract we have – to provide me an agreed-upon salary and benefits in exchange for the agreed-upon amount of labor. I do not expect more than that, but am appreciative of extras.

Trying on a new perspective is like inserting a new lens in your glasses – you are looking at the same images, but they appear slightly different through different filters. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

Sorry to break this to you, but your co-workers are talking about you after work with their family members and friends. It’s just one of those facts of life.

You know how that conversation goes:

“How was your day today, honey?” asks your co-worker’s spouse.

To which your co-worker replies, “Oh man, I work with this one person who is such a…”

Such a what? What is your co-worker saying about you? That you are such a talented genius? That you are such a person of integrity? Such an enjoyable person to work with?

Or perhaps the conversation is taking a different turn… Such an idiot? Such a terrible decision maker? Such a self-serving jerk?

You know this conversation well because, well – let’s face it – you are having the same dinner table conversation at home with your family, about your co-workers.

This social ritual is as old as the hills – it cannot be stopped. And if you are reading this and starting to wonder what your co-workers, boss, staff, clients and vendors might really be saying about you, take heart: You can actually change other peoples’ dinner conversations!

Table Talk You can be Proud Of

The way you treat your co-workers ripples way out to their dinner table conversations and ricochets right back into your reputation and ability to lead effectively.

Sure, the obvious people skills of generosity, kindness, and respect will help. But the one mega change you can make is simply this: Rid your communications of any and all blame and criticism.

I know, I know, you aren’t the whining, blaming sort. You always own up and take the high road. But is that 100% true? I challenge you to look in the mirror, to study your words and attitudes for the next week, to listen to yourself talk, to assess your responses to others… a little truth-telling self examination can go a long way.

If you pass the examination and find yourself to be a non-blamer… congratulations, you may be the first person on the planet to achieve such a state!

We all blame, we all criticize. We blame politicians, football coaches, slow-pokey drivers, parents, kids, pets, UPS, the weather… it’s actually become a national pastime. Just sit in any coffee shop and eavesdrop on the nearest cell phone conversation. “I told him that would happen. He never listens to me.” Or, “Yah, that’s our government at work for you…”  (All spoken in huffy, sarcastic tones.)

Guess what? If you are a blamer, you are absolutely eroding the trust people have in you. If you are quick to blame and criticize others, how do I know you aren’t speaking the same way about me when I’m not around? If I have to wonder what you might say about me… my trust in you is diminished. Our teamwork is compromised.

If you showed yourself to be someone who goes straight to the person you are having an issue with, to have a civil, direct conversation to iron things out… whoa, that is the mega trust builder of them all. That takes guts and enormous courage. I know where I stand with you and that you won’t be talking about me behind my back. I want you on my team!

When people fully trust you – they speak highly of you around the dinner table. And they are eager to work cooperatively with you to get the job done.

The trick to writing riveting and persuasive marketing copy is simply this: Know – and I mean really know, your audience – and get over there into their shoes and talk with them, not at them.

This age-old marketing truism makes a lot of sense and it works. And yet, I encounter so many blogs, websites, brochures, letters and other marketing vehicles plastered with “we” language. This is particularly true with professional service businesses… after all, you are selling yourself or the people in your firm, so it seems natural to convey your expertise and services by saying, “we” and “I.”

Let’s look at an example comparing the traditional selling statement (the kind that sends most marketing copywriters into a loud groan, and leaves your prospects yawning) against a more riveting, grabbing alternative.

Audience:
Small business owners seeking financial advice

Groaner:
“Acme & Associates is a results-oriented financial consulting firm that advises businesses in meeting the challenges of today’s economic uncertainty.”

Grabber:
“If you are like most business owners, you are passionate about your clients’ success and expect your financial advisor to be equally passionate about your bottom line.”

I’m sure you can see the compelling differences between the “Groaner” and the “Grabber.” The Groaner example conveys a posture of, “It’s all about us and we are assuming that you care!”  And you aren’t going to resonate with your audience by taunting them with the ever-so-vague and generic “challenges.”  Notice that this example does not actually use the term “we,” and yet it takes a “we” stance, loud and clear. So it’s not just your word selection, but your stance and tone of writing that matters.

The second example – the “Grabber” – literally steps over to the reader’s side of the table. Clearly, the message is that it’s all about your reader and shows an understanding of what is important to your reader as a business owner.

You may prefer a more formal writing style. Your style is a reflection of you, and I encourage you to write in a way that feels most natural and comfortable. But I do stand firm on this: The effectiveness of “you” language still applies, no matter what your preferred writing style is.

Great Trick: Name Your Audience

Start every writing project by naming your audience – actually write it at the top of the page, as I did in the above example (be sure to delete it before you send the final out for real!). This is a trick I learned from a very effective English professor I had in college. He took points off our grade if we had not named our audience. I still use this technique today – when you can clearly define who you are writing for, you have a much better chance of hitting the mark. The more specific the better.

Let’s face it, your readers are inundated with distractions and plenty of reading material… if you want their attention, you have to cut through to the heart of the matter. And that means speaking to your reader’s heart. Whether you are selling life coaching, accounting services or engineering design, your clients are human beings with worries, fears, dreams, hopes, and desires. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “This is business, let’s keep that ‘emotional stuff’ out of it.” If you speak to your audience at the level of their humanness, they are going to pay attention.

This approach doesn’t mean you need to eradicate all use of “I” or “we.” You need to talk about yourself — just be sure the overall flavor of your persuasive copy leans more toward being you-oriented.

Now. Go write some brilliant marketing copy!

I’d love to see your examples — feel free to run a few paragraphs by me here in the comments and I’m glad to provide pointers.

I always bristled at the saying from the 90s, “Work smarter, not harder.” It felt judgmental to me – so you are telling me that I am wrong for working hard? And, in the same breath, you imply that I must get the job done, or else?

Let’s add up this mixed message: If I A) fail to get the job done and B) work hard instead of smart… then I must be dumb, right? Gee, not very inspiring.

In a culture that lauds hard work as a badge of honor, this “smarter, not harder” sound bite feels misplaced and disrespectful of generations of hard-working people who have understood that true freedom meant creating one’s own success – not waiting to have it handed to them. Thus, the whole “bootstrap” approach that has inspired innovation, progress and independence on so many levels.

Now, clearly, this honorable work ethic has been taken to an extreme in plenty of cases. Burnout, stress, fatigue, misery – folks working their fingers to the bone, sacrificing physical and mental well being, family closeness, and simply, the joy of life…  all work, no play make Jack & Jill not just dull, but sick and lifeless. And not even the best producers!

If we are to shift our work culture, we need to take a good look at our attitudes toward hard work. First – who gets to decide to what degree work is “hard?” And which category resonates for you: is hard work an awful trap or a badge of honor?

Okay, that was a trick question. Because, for me, it is neither the trap or the badge. Let me introduce a different concept about work.

The fact is, “work” is neither hard nor easy. It’s a neutral thing. It is simply that, for certain results and in certain conditions, we need to exert more energy than at other times. What takes great effort for one person may be a cakewalk to another. A job may be harder or easier based on your education, experience, personality traits, available resources, physical ability, management support, family support, energy levels, attitude and any number of factors.

For me, the more important place to look is: what is your heart saying about the particular work you are up to? Is your heart: Engaged? Delighted? Uplifted? Enthused?

What I’ve noticed is that when we are lead by our hearts (passion, fun, delight, values-centered, relationship-oriented), hard work is a joy, it’s radically fulfilling. Haven’t you experienced this phenomenon at least a few times in your life?

When I was a teenager, a friend and I agreed to do some yard work for an older woman from our church. We went every day after school for a week and even spent one full day – pruning and weeding and cutting through the thickest overgrowth you ever saw. But it was a joyful kind of hard work – we were having a blast! We were working together, we were out in the sun, we were beautifying this unruly yard and we were deeply appreciated by the woman who hired us.

And there are plenty of times when I am working on my business and truly in a heart-led space and having a terrific time! Who cares if I’m  working late into the night, just grinding away until I have to force myself to stop? This, indeed, is truly joyful work. Sure, I’m exerting a lot of energy and effort, I may be grappling with a difficult challenge or I may be lost in creativity – and it is fun, fun, fun!

(In these times, I do have to be mindful of getting carried away and neglecting my other needs – rest, good nutrition, exercise, social interaction, spiritual connection, time in nature. I’ll cover that in another post!)

But where the trouble comes in is when I am working hard with no heart involvement. Gross, yuck, ball and chain… I’m doing something that bores me or simply doesn’t engage my passion and creativity. Or keeps me isolated. Without my heart’s involvement, I may get the work done, but I find myself resenting everything from the work itself, to the client, to my chair, to the neighbor kids playing outside, to the beautiful blue sky… I cannot keep that kind of work up for long.

So I prefer to reframe that old “work smarter, not harder” mantra to a new, inspired, heart-centered, and much more sustainable and life-giving one: 

Work Hearter, Not Smarter.

Care to join me in this revolution?

They made this mess. It’s their fault. If it weren’t for them…. Oh, there are so many ways to invoke blame!

Here’s the raw truth about blame: In the moment, it seems so easy and natural to lay blame on others. But operating from a stance of blame is as harmful to yourself than it is to the entity or person you are blaming. And blame is flat-out a relationship killer.

We all blame – it can be a natural default. (So I’m not blaming you if you are a blamer!) And some hidden sliver of ourselves gets some degree of benefit from blaming. Let’s take a look at how effective those benefits are:

1. You get to be the helpless victim.

Let’s say you are late to meet a friend for a movie. She has been waiting outside the movie, both worried about your safety and anxiously deciding whether to just go ahead into the theatre so she doesn’t miss the opening scene. Meanwhile, you come scurrying up to the ticket counter at the last second and the first words out of your mouth are, “Oh the traffic was so awful, I thought I would never get here!” Ahhh, so it was the traffic that “caused” your lateness. Not that you gave yourself 14 minutes to make a 16 minute drive. Now, instead of giving your friend empathy over the fretting she did while waiting for you, YOU get to be the victim of a traffic jam. If you pick your friends right, she will feel badly for you and pile on the pity. Oh, poor, poor you. And isn’t that charming?

2. You get to avoid growth.

Your choice to blame is a choice to stay small. Yes, you will narrowly escape an opportunity to learn how to be a better human being. When you deflect responsibility for your circumstances onto your thoughtless family, that unreasonable client, the idiots on the school board, those inept carpet installers (oh the list can go on and on, can’t it?), you also deflect the focus away from yourself and any self-reflection that might reveal something new and useful about yourself. All that blame gives you no space to reflect on things like: What is my contribution to this? Which of my behaviors, decisions and beliefs set the stage for this circumstance to find its way into my life? Or – Why do I seem to repeat certain patterns (why do I always get the inept carpet installers?!) If you are willing to go to a deeper level with this, I invite you to take the risk of asking yourself what gift this circumstance brings – how is this problematic scenario a fertile ground for you to make a life-altering shift or learn something about your core self? Or, you could simply take the easy way out and keep blaming others.

3. You get to propagate blame trickle down.

Yes! You can be a blame catalyst. When you blame another, they are egged on to blame yet another person or entity. Kind of like a game of hot potato. The downside to this game is that you are teaching your kids, co-workers, clients, friends and that lady behind the counter at the DMV that blaming is your shtick. This means you are fair game – they get to blame you, too! (Actually, this is the exact conversation model at play in the U.S. at the moment – politics aside, surely you can see how brutally ineffective this blame-tag is.) Perhaps it’s time to break the blame habit? Start by simply noticing each time you make a blaming statement out loud. Just notice it, catch yourself in the act. No self-judgment on this – remember, you are in a learning phase. When you are ready, begin to catch yourself before the words come out of your mouth. You may end up saying “never mind” a lot, but no matter. And this is not about stifling your truth – it’s about breaking a habit that degrades your relationships and erodes your credibility. You still get to speak your truth, but via productive, relationship-strengthening, heart-opening communication. Unless, for some reason, you prefer distant relationships filled with harsh language and biting sarcasm.

4. You get to win!

I recently found myself in a righteous uproar over the recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I was silently blaming BP, the U.S. government, drivers of gas-guzzling cars, Henry Ford himself! And ooooooohhhh, I was so right. They were so wrong. Ha! I had won my mental argument with society! But what, exactly, had I won? The oil was still gushing, animals were still being coated with oil, and beach communities were still in peril. My blame was accomplishing nothing but vitriol within myself. Now, anger and frustration are perfectly healthy feelings to have. And of course the situation must be assessed – it’s important to learn why and how this happened and how to prevent future spills. But pure blame (transferring all responsibility to the other parties) is a dead-end street to a pile up of solution-less ire.

As soon as I realized I was caught in the blame trap, I stepped back. I began to find my own contribution to the situation – yes, MY contribution. No, I did not cause the spill directly. But I do routinely buy gas. I have not taken steps toward finding an alternative fuel transportation mode. Sure, I have contributed in my own tiny way. And in owning up to that – in making this OUR problem instead of THEIR fault – I found some clean inspiration to take action – any action – to contribute to the solution. For starters, I donated to the Audubon Society and used my social networks to encourage others to join me. As a blamer I have a small victory in being right. But when I release blame and own my part, I begin to feel included in the situation, which allows me to see ways to contribute. A healthy society depends on this spirit of cooperation. Blame cuts cooperation to the quick. Just watch any politician on any side of any issue.

5. You get to play the role of martyr (when engaged in self-blame).

This one’s a little different. Instead of blaming others, you are blaming yourself. Yes, it’s great to take responsibility and to find your part in the situation. But self-blame is just as stifling as blaming others. Suppose you’ve just spilled red wine on your friend’s white carpet. Yes, I think we can make a clear factual case that you have caused this mishap. But when you lurch into a self-demeaning tirade (either externally or silently) of “Oh I’m such a jerk! I am so stupid! I can’t believe I did this!,” you kind of circle back around to becoming the helpless victim again (see #1). All blame diminishes compassion, but self-blame may be the most soul eroding of them all. Yes, it’s good to admit to and apologize for the wine spill and help clean it up, and pay for a steam cleaning service – make it right with your friend. But to marinate in compassionless self-blame does nothing to contribute to the solution and actually squashes your spirit.

We all do this blaming thing to some degree. Just notice how it dampens your energy and vitality, and keeps you small. And feel free to share whatever you are noticing in the comments below!

“You’re grounded!”

These words have been uttered by many a parent as punishment for mischief-making teenagers. “Grounding,” in this sense, means you are taking the kid out of the action and putting her on the sidelines for a bit.

One mom I know said that grounding doesn’t work as a deterrent for her son because he likes it. No phone, no TV, no friends for a period of time – and, whew, the kid is actually relieved. My guess is that he instinctively knows that a break would be good for him, but it’s not something he would impose upon himself. (Sidebar: Studies show that teens access to their frontal lobes is not quite fully developed enough for them to make insightful, rational decisions as adults do. See NPR story, “The Teen Brain: It’s Just Not Grown Up Yet”)

But we are adults, right? Our frontal lobes are functioning quite well, thank you. So why do we sometimes harbor a secret desire for “someone” to send us to our room? To withhold phone, tv and friends? To put us on the sidelines for a day or so? I read a blog recently where the writer fantasized about the internet being switched off for a year!

Stopping is a spiritual art. It is the refuge where we drink life in. ~ Sue Monk Kidd

Here’s the trick: It’s up to us! We’ve got to call upon our inner wise parent, who can gently ground us – our adult selves. Not as punishment, but as a way to get centered, to regroup, to find our bearings again. (Which is really what parents are ultimately hoping to accomplish with their teenagers, isn’t it?)

As adults, we get into our own kinds of trouble – we over commit, which makes us frazzled and frayed. We allow guilt and shoulds to crowd out what our gut knows is right for us. We put our own health and wellbeing, and our dearest relationships on the back burner as we fight the fires of urgency. And then we wonder why we are feeling so disconnected, resentful and crabby. And not getting the real, important things done.

The truth is – we know what is exactly right for each of us. But external forces act as gnats that keep us distracted and irritated.

Academics and philosophers take sabbaticals. Paid time off to regroup and get grounded. If they are to connect with the deep thoughts that are the fruit of their work, they must get this nurturing time away from the daily fray.

Perhaps your company is not going to pay you for deep-thinking time off. But there are techniques you can use to get grounded and centered, so that you can find your true bearings again. The good news is that you don’t need a year off, or a month or even a week! Centering yourself can take as little as a few minutes.

Here are three of my favorite ways to get grounded when the gnats of life are buzzing at me. All of them are proactive – in other words, I use them routinely to stay grounded, not reactively when a crisis arrives. Once lightning strikes, it’s too late to run out and hook up your home’s grounding rod – it must be in place already!

1. Daily Practices

A martial arts sensei, as quoted in Susan Scott’s new book, Fierce Leadership, said, “We are always practicing something. The question is – what are we practicing?” A practice is not a to-do list. It’s a state of mind, a guiding compass. There may be a physical action associated with it, but the point is much bigger than the obvious action. You may straighten your desk at the end of each day. Is it to look good? Or because a nagging “should” tells you to? Or is it to clear your mind? Or to punctuate your day? Or to prepare for the next day? Knowing the underlying intention behind each of your daily practices will help you know whether it’s a “to-do” item or a grounding practice. Study your current daily practices – which ones are centering? What new grounding practices can you add into your daily routine?

2. Tuning Out & Tuning In

I often invite my clients to try some form of reflective silence in their daily practice. For those who are used to being super busy, the idea of sitting quietly, “doing nothing,” literally freaks them out! Silent time, whether it’s a formal meditation ritual or simply sitting and being silent for a few minutes – it fills up your well with live-giving energy. How long do you think you could sit in silence? Double that number and commit to taking that creative silent time every day for the next week. Notice the impact in your work and life.

3. Body scan

Ever notice that when you are focused on your body – how it feels, not your opinion of it – you are instantly in the present moment. When we are fretting about the future or lamenting the past, we are in our heads. Nothing wrong with being in your head! We rely on our thinking and logic for many great purposes! But it’s difficult to get centered when our churning brains are on center stage. A great technique for getting grounded is to take a few minutes to put your full awareness on your physical sensations. Do a mental body scan – begin with your toes and feet, move up to your calves, knees and on up your body until you reach the top of your scalp. Take your time, asking yourself for each body part: What are my toes feeling? What sensations is my left knee feeling? All questions are in the present tense and about your physical feelings. If you find yourself judging body parts – you have slipped into your head again. Put those judgments aside and place your awareness on the physical sensation of that body part and keep going. Puts you right into the moment.

There are so many techniques to get centered. I could write an entire blog post about each of these and more. (And I’m sure I will!) What are your favorites?

Chade-Meng Tan is my new hero.

Meng, as he is known, is one of Google’s original software engineers. He has won numerous awards and his academic and technical achievement records are impressive.

But what impresses me the most is his pioneering spirit in the area of bringing meditation and mindfulness practices to the workplace. Right here in the good ol’ USA – where our corporate culture has typically relegated any form of spiritual or inward reflection practice to the “don’t ask, don’t tell” category – keep your slow-paced, woo-woo, mindfulness practicing ways to yourself. We are busy busting our asses to grow our company!

Oh yes, it’s no secret that the American work ethic is steeped in a culture of hard work and self-sacrifice – workers are rewarded for overtime and they often wear stress-related illnesses like a badge of honor. 

Enter Google. What a bold and refreshing move on their part to embrace the idea of incorporating mindfulness and meditation into their work culture. Championed by Meng, who is now Google’s head of personal growth.

Meng has invested in scientific research on the benefits of meditation. In 2007, he founded Google’s “Search Inside Yourself” program, an in-house employee education program that has served as many as 500 Google employees.  The program is focused on developing workers’ emotional intelligence, providing instruction on mindful breathing and listening techniques.

The program has a keen eye on improving Google’s bottom line, teaching employees team leadership and business skills such as having difficult conversations and developing trust in teams. According to Meng, as quoted in Canadian Business Magazine, “The idea is to make the business and employees far more effective (and hopefully, more profitable) by developing emotional intelligence company-wide. ‘Spiritual wellness’ and happiness are just the unavoidable side-effects.”  (It’s a terrific article, by the way, I recommend that you check it out!)

Google now has meditation spaces and organized meditation classes. Imagine that – one of the most high-powered companies in the world, embracing a new way of working. My heart is singing!

Chade-Meng Tan is a fascinating leader of this movement. I plan to keep an eye on him – and learn from his wisdom, and his charming sense of humor. According to his personal website, Meng hopes to “see every workplace in the world become a drinking fountain for happiness and enlightenment.” I’ll drink to that!

Namaste, Meng, namaste.