I used to watch it as often as you could imagine. In the mornings, in the afternoons, in the evenings, and sometimes even at night. If I was having a really good week, I’d even watch ‘the Big Questions‘ with Nicky Campbell on Sunday mornings so I could get annoyed over each and every moral, ethical, and indeed religious issue that was raised.

“What do you do now?”, I hear you shout from behind your newspaper. Now, I bypass all news altogether. Once a day I will check online to see what’s going on – quickly concluding that I’m not bothered, and thus getting on with my life. The news is fucking miserable. I know it, you know it – even the newsreaders themselves know it. Nobody can ignore the look of pure joy and happiness that comes up on a newsreaders face as they begin the ‘And finally…’ story at the end of the bulletin.

“And finally… [smile] Smudge, a cheeky little cat from Dorset [bigger smile] caused havoc in his home town today when he escaped onto the roof of a local pub, eventually entering the building through it’s chimney! [joyful laugh]. Not to worry though, Smudge was soon rescued from the burning embers of his catastrophic [snorting laughter] adventure, and is set to make a full recovery [smiling down, at a monitor, most likely still featuring a photo of the cat - if another newsreader is present they will "Ahhh" in unison at this point]. Now, a reminder of tonight’s main headlines: [stern, emotionless, desperate sad face] We’re all going to die.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting the news should be filled with “And finally…” stories. For one, that would be impossible – as nothing can finally happen for the first time – but more importantly; it would be shit. There are hundreds of stories like Smudge’s out there, and thousands more containing all forms of mangled animals as the star. Of course these stories don’t even have to be about animals, they could be about absolutely anything – as long as it’s shit and you can imagine a loner telling you all about it in the queue at the post office in all it’s fine tedious detail – it will fit the news.

I will not go on for hours about how the news is designed to scare you, to make everyday tasks fill you with apprehension and nerves, as we all know this already. If you want to dig deeper into the subject of depressing manipulative news, look no further than miserable writer Charlie Brooker with his downright brilliant show Newswipe. A thirty-minute compilation of the past two series can be seen here.

Instead I will offer a simple solution. A solution I chose a couple of months ago and haven’t looked back on since:

STOP WATCHING THE NEWS.

The news shouldn’t have to stop for me, for you, or for anybody else. Some could argue that it’s important – I’ll have to meet them halfway on that one. The news is a necessity, and we are lucky to have it for what it is – something that, much like a long-term girlfriend, we can dip in and out of whenever we please. Rather than starting your day with the news, start your day with music, or the radio (though try not to resent the radio too much when it starts to read you the news).

Take my advice, ditch the news. One by one, we will all cheer the fuck up.

It’s good, but we reckon there’s better out there. Leave links and suggestions in the comments below, and help us put the fun back into… well, you know the rest.

It started off faintly… tut… tut… tut, but soon it became louder and more frequent, TUT, TUT, TUT, followed by sighs… TUT, TUT, TUT -SIGH-, TUT, TUT, TUT.

After sitting through about fifteen minutes of this, we rolled up alongside the cause of the traffic – a critically injured motorcyclist and a hysterical car-driver being comforted by the Police. And you know what I heard next? One single ‘tut’ from the man sitting next to me.

It got me thinking about how so many people feel like the world owes them something. What use does tutting do? In that particular example, if the driver of the bus gave all passengers the option to get off the bus and walk the remainder of their journey would they have? Sure, a few would – but the majority, even the ones who only had a couple of stops to go would have rather stayed on the bus, opting instead to spend half an hour complaining about missing Who Wants to be a Millionaire while a poor motorcyclist bleeds alongside them.

For a more light hearted example of people believing the world owes them something, see the below video of Louis C.K. – an American stand up comedian, talking about technology with Conan last year.

In summary, the world is neither with you or against you. It’s owes you nothing, but it’s not here to take from you either. In the recent words of Conan O’Brien – “Please don’t be cynical. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

My good friend Eden Vance recently wrote an article for the LSE (London School of Economics) Newspaper regarding globalisation and the hardships facing illegal migrants. It’s her first ever published piece, and I am immensely impressed by it. So sit back, and enjoy some quality penmanship for a change (click image to enlarge).

Caught in Transit by Eden Vance; LSE (London School of Economics) Newspaper © 2010

Update: Online version can be found here http://thebeaveronline.co.uk/2010/01/29/caught-in-transit/

Disclaimer – I have never met, spoken to, written to, seduced, followed, or in any other way communicated with the red-haired genius behind the following videos. I just think they’re great.

The Elegant Guide is a six-part web comedy series written and presented by Ella Morton.

“Ella is a writer, actor and host with a penchant for absurdity and a fondness for dispensing questionable advice. She is the New York correspondent for the popular daily web show Rocketboom and maintains Sprinkle of Ginger, a blog about creativity, inspiration and social awkwardness.”

I’ll pull myself back from spinning lines such as “The Elegant Guide is refreshingly funny”, or “The Elegant Guide is a breath of fresh air”, simply because that’s lazy journalism, and this is certainly not. Journalism.

What I will say is I’ve watched all three of the currently released episodes several times each now, and they get a laugh each time. So go on, give in to the Elegant Guide.

The fourth of the six part series, The Elegant Guide to Telephone Etiquette is out January 28
Ella can also be found at http://sprinkleofginger.com and http://rocketboom.com

October 2010

October saw the worst case of ‘mild’ throughout the country since records began. People up and down the UK have reported temperatures reaching mild conditions like they’ve never experienced. One London resident reported -

“What is this? Is this weather?”

While a Yorkshire MP was quoted to have said -

“It’s only a bit of mild, we can cope with it up here. It’s those Southern fairies that have to watch out, they can’t cope at the best of times”

Sky News ran with the story all week, reporting frantically under the subject “Isn’t it funny when the news is the weather and the weather is the news”. Further mild conditions have been forecast for November.

November 2010

In November Google launched the latest iPhone, the iPhone 3GSTi. Previous iPhone owners will notice many similarities to previous models, however the defining feature of the new model is it’s collection of exclusive in-build applications, built to live up to the name and power of the 3GSTi.

Need a pregnancy test after coming home in the small hours of the morning with your knickers around your ankles and the lingering sour smell of fags and regret? There’s an app for that. Simple open up the Pregnancy Test app, and when instructed, pee on your iPhone screen.
After leaving it a few minutes, your phone should give you a vaguely accurate reading – probably along the lines of “Stop pissing on me, you mental woman”.

December 2010

The 2010 X Factor finals came to a close in December with the winner, Roger McRacken from Bolton gaining the UK Christmas Number 1 after a 90’s band couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in to stop them this time around. Upon hearing the news Simon Cowell masturbated in time to the beat of the most likely terrible song, using pulped £100 notes as lubricant while wiping away his tears of joy with a golden handkerchief made from the hair of babies.

Cheryl Cole was once again the winning judge, gaining herself a couple of extra £K in the bag, and unlimited use of Cowell’s master suite whenever Ashley is being a dick.

Louis Walsh, once again, had the group category. He was reportedly furious, though wouldn’t let on. In an interview during the early stages of the show he exclamed -

“My acts are utterly appalling this year. Really bad. But the voting public are idiots, there’s always hope”

And hope there was, with one of Louis acts, Miss Hyde, coming in at second place. Upon being interviewed after the final, Dannii Minogue said something, we’re sure of it, but we just couldn’t see her face move.

Only Logical will return to regular broadcasting, next week.

July 2010

July saw the hottest English summer on record, with temperatures soaring above lukewarm. Children heading off on their first holiday without their parents were warned to keep levels of alcohol in their bodies to a minimum, the government suggesting only 5-6 units of alcohol in any one child at any time, due to an incident at the start of the month whereby a born-again Christian child, aged eighteen, after a long round of truth or bottle took up the challenge to urinate on a Christian bus, handily located mere feet from his basic holiday accommodation.

Friends of the self-named child were quoted to have said -

“Isn’t that Christian bus used for disabled children?”

Gordon Brown was available to comment, but we were busy.

August 2010

The festival season ended on a sour note at the end of August with the 2010 Reading and Leeds Festivals drawing in thousands upon thousands of scrotty little cunts*.

I’m not just talking your average wankers. This is on a whole different level. Imagine you, in your early twenties, have just walked into a sixth form common room where everybody is a little ‘wacky’ (or, ‘a bellend’, as they are known in later life). Now imagine they’re all wearing straw hats, with their shirts off. They’ve probably got some sort of florescent pain on their body, and they’ll swap you some Harbio for a can. They’re the sort of total dicks plaguing the 2010 festival for our pleasure.

Still, look on the bright side; Razorlight are headli… oh.

* Credit for this line goes entirely to my area manager, I’ve forgotten his name, while working at said festival in 2008.

September 2010

BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SCHOOL, EVERYBODY GO BACK TO SCHOOL. In September, Miley Cryus had to take a break from filming the sequel to her hit feature film ‘Miley Cyrus: Take Me As You Will’ to go back to school after complains from parents flooded the internet suggesting that she’s a total fucking idiot. I disagree. Mental? Yes. An idiot? Decide for yourself -

October – November, soon.

To get the ‘full picture’ of my amazing view, imagine watching this video from the opposite side of the river with one hand over your left eye, and the other hand obscuring most of your vision on your right eye. We were stood under a bridge.

Still, it was a great night with some amazing people. at 12.10am it snowed solidly for ten minutes, prompting cries of “It’s magic, it’s beautiful, it’s 2010″. In the spirit of things I may have commended on the snow being the work of Boris Johnson (Mayor of London) thanks to our recent steep rise in transport charges, but this was met with stern looks by the British public – and so it should have been. 2010 is exciting. 2010 is everybody’s ‘best year yet’, and with good reason. Let’s see what April – June has in store for us…

April 2010

April saw heavy snowfall across the UK in what could only be described by the Daily Mail as “Completely down to immigrants”, by the Guardian as “SNOWBLOG, LIVE BLOG, ROUND TWO!” and by the Express as “Completely intolerable, Diana wouldn’t have stood for it”.

Massive idiots complained across popular social networking sites, Twatter, Facewank and the BBC’s Have Your Say forum, displaying disbelief that the country had once again gone into standstill due to a ‘tiny little bit of snow’. One such idiot, Chelsea from Hackney, said “BluhsdasdasdjKAD”, while this utter moron, Benjamin from Streatham Hill said -

Benjamin needs to learn that Narnia jokes haven't been funny for several years, if they ever really were at all

May 2010

A second series of Surgery Live on Channel 4, hosted by your friend and mine, Krishnan Guru-Murthy came onto our screens in May. Following on from last years successful first run, the second series of Surgery Live, subtitled ‘the Switch’ saw real life surgeons handing over the reigns to Guru-Murthy as he attempted to perform life-saving surgery on several unaware patients over the course of the series.

However don’t look over this series as a simple gore-fest. Each week the surgeon involved in the programme has to present the show while Guru-Murthy works, creating just as many amusing moments as they mess up their auto-cues, as Guru-Murthy makes when he accidentally cuts the blue wire. Compelling viewing.

June 2010

In June Gordon Ramsay returned to our screens with his most controversial series yet, The C Word. Ramsay said the decision to ramp up the show (previously titled The F Word) came after it became apparent that the British public had become desensitised to regular levels of swearing.

“It’s all “Fuck this, fuck you, I fucked your mum, she fucked me back” nowadays, said Ramsay in a statement. “It’s no longer shocking, it’s no longer hip. If I ask my son if he’s done his homework he tells me to fuck off – not as an act of rebellion, that’s just the way the world speaks now. The little cunt”.

Channel 4 declined to comment.

July – September to follow soon, honestly.

January 2010

The year starts with much celebration and anticipation. It’s 2010! TWO-THOUSAND AND TEN. TEN. We’re practically the fucking Jetsons.

January’s news primarily revolves around the party held at the White House in celebration of Obama’s first year in office. Scandal erupts after it emerges the puppy Barack and Michelle offered their children has still yet to arrive. They go fucking mental, screaming the house down. Michelle offers them a rabbit in the meantime, but, as the children rightly point out – what can a rabbit do. It’s a useless pet by anybody’s standards.

February 2010

February 2010 will forever be known as ‘the Month of the Celebrity Age-Differences’. The start of February saw the announcement by two members of the Saturdays, probably one of the ones that used to be in S Club Juniors, and one of the ones that didn’t, describing how they had both started relationships with the Chuckle Brothers.

This bold move, probably by Frankie and one of the other ones, sparked celebrities in similar situations to come clean. Ann Widdecombe announced she has been in committed relationships with the cast of Blue Peter for the past twenty years, while one of the Olsen twins, she’s not sure which one, is reported to be dating the ghost of Christmas Past.

A spokesman for ‘the Protection of ADRSHIPS (Age-Differentiated Relation-SHIPS)’, said he “Hold[s] a lot of respect to these celebrities for facing up to their demons and opening up in a public field about their relationships”.

March 2010

In March Saddam Hussein came back to rage an episode of terror over us all once again, only to get his plans foiled by a small boy and his intelligent-yet-dull sister.

Saddam is known as a recurring character amongst viewers. Originally working as a sideshow clown on a low-budget American cable channel, Saddam started a rage of terror against the small, as yet unnamed, boy after he foiled his attempted to frame his boss during an armed robbery of the local corner shop. Since being sentenced for fraud and robbery, Saddam has come back year on year with one goal in mind, to kill the boy – once being cited as getting a tattoo done displaying the words “Die, [boys name], die”.

March’s incident with Saddam – involving two cats, a Casio watch and a copy of Zadie Smith’s ‘White Teeth’ – was minor compared to past occurrences, including the ‘episodes’ in which he ran for Mayor of the city, tried to murder the boys family on a boat, and failed to blow up the boys aunt in a horrific gas attack.

Look out for April – June, soon.

I know I should care. I know I should turn on Sky News, see the report on screen concerning the Copenhagen Summit or Iraq Inquiry, and sit down listening intensely for the entirety of the report until my intellect is so huge I’m late for work due to my head refusing to fit on any mode of transport invented since the beginning of time – but I simply don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t jump for joy the moment a story involving kittens stuck in a tree comes up, but at the same time I find it very difficult to look at the front of the Independent without thinking “Please leave me alone” (at this point please do not assume I am a Daily Mail or Express reader. They’re awful in their own racist Diana-dragging-out ways. Here I’m solely concentrating on news stories so importantly boring you honestly consider putting on ‘In the Night Garden’ just so the colours can assist you in regaining conciousness).

Sometimes even the news readers can’t pretend to care. “100 people were killed in a suicide bomb in Baghdad today… And now over to Paul with the weather, I hear it’s going to be another chilly night Paul”.

A selection of the exciting headlines the Independent have thrown up recently include -

Met Office reveals last decade was the hottest ever recorded

Yaaawwnn…

Sea levels may rise three times more than first thought

…nnnnn…

Emin work to feature in climate change exhibition

…zzzzzz…

For the sake of our own sanity I suggest all headlines, over the coming months, should be replaced by facts found within this breakthrough piece of literature by David O’Doherty, Claudia O’Doherty and Mike Ahern.

100 Facts About Pandas. Image courtesy of David O'Doherty, Claudia O'Doherty and Mike Ahern.

If this panda-based dream were to become a reality we would be saying goodbye to dull climate-afghanistan-bankers-baghdad headlines and saying hello to…

Hear no Panda, Smell no Panda

“The panda smells through its ears and hears through its nose, technically making its nose its ears, and its ears its nose.”

Top Attraction

“A blindfolded panda will always head north. This is due to the iron content in the panda’s liver, which makes the animal slightly magnetic.”

Pox Shock

“Pandas are immune to all human illnesses except chicken pox. However, if a panda becomes infected, they suffer none of the usual human symptoms. Instead, on the tenth day of the illness, the animal’s eyeballs will fall out.”

So please join me in my attempt to block out the ridiculously boring self-important headlines of the outside world in favour of humour. The climate may be doomed, but the pandas will march on.

Panda facts courtesy of http://100factsaboutpandas.com.