IN THE BEGINNING...

2008-09-07T02:30:00.000-05:00

Welcome new and old readers. Thank you for coming to my site. Now I have heard that if I don't capture your attention in the first 20 seconds, your attention span will dry up and you will move on to looking at pornography. I need this site to be successful so I'm afraid I will have to resort to drastic measures to keep you here as I prove my worth to you. I hate to do this, but...

...keep reading this blog or the kitten gets it. I'm not proud of myself. I don't want to do this. But besides this blog, I have nothing else. So you're staying and you're reading all this crap I wrote...got it?

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Benjamin Jeremiah aka "The Frogman." I have always prided myself for being on the cutting edge of things. I've always been able to spot trends before they really catch on. For instance, I just recently I bought something called a "DVD player." It is a device that allows you to watch movies on the TV screen. You put in a "disc" and then it uses laser powered magnets to play the movie. I imagine these becoming very popular in the future. In that same "being on the cutting edge" vein, I have decided to start something called a "blog." That's a funny word, right? Blog. Well, you make sure to remember that word because before you know it, everyone and their grandma will have one. "Blog" comes from the latin word "blogus" which means to "scribe nonsense daily." Not to be confused with "bloogus" which means to "slap a goat firmly."

So, you may be wondering, "what is a blog?" Basically, I type the stuff in this little box here and by using similar laser powered magnets or "lasermagnetronix"...the words are transported to your screen. It's very high tech...you wouldn't understand.

So, who am I? I am 26, I am unemployed, I am overweight, I live in my parents basement, and I haven't left my house in over 3 years. Interested ladies? I'm available. After saying all of that I now have to convince you that I am not a loser or one of them creepy basement guys. You see, I have a mystery medical condition that makes me very, very tired. I do not live in my parents basement because I am a loser or a creep or a pervert, but because I am sick...and maybe a little bit of the pervert thing...mostly the sick thing though. I am trying to find doctors that can help me, but in the last 7 years I have been unsuccessful at finding answers to get well. I cannot work and I have to spend most of my time in bed to conserve energy. To pass the time I must watch lots of TV and play lots of video games. I spend most of my time in bed killing virtual Nazis and aliens. And sometimes Nazi aliens.

"Heil Blergdorf!"

But before all of this I had dreamed of entertaining the masses. To be some sort of comedic entity in the fabric of society. But I have found society unwilling to come to my parent's basement to be entertained. But now with these laser magnet powered blogusses, I have a virtual means by which to entertain these masses. My style of entertainment is humor based. I'll try to type funny things in the box here and then I will try and show you a funny picture or two. Sometimes I use photoshop and create digital tomfoolery. Sometimes I'll just google monkey pictures. I have been known to evilly photoshop my friends. Here is a picture I did of my friend Shane. I call this the "Shanegaroo."

And when I can't think of something funny to say I'll try and find a humorous video from YouTube. I tend to spend a lot of time in the kitten section. So I hope you like kitten videos. Hey...do you want to see a picture of me? Here is the top of my head.

That is one handsome top of the head if I do say so myself. Although....what's that glowing green dot on my forehead?

Crap!...kitten sniper. He wants his little kitten buddy released. Alright, I have to let the kitten go. Hopefully I have enthralled you enough to keep you reading this without the motivation of kitten murder. Damned kitten snipers.

I have a frog. You probably have seen him at the top of the page there. His name is Bob. He talks...a lot. He isn't very nice. In fact he is a curmudgeon personified... wait...perfrogified? I don't know. He's an asshole, let's leave it at that. Imagine a dirty, cranky, old man, stuck in a frog's body. He is playfully evil and often offensive. But he knows how to get a laugh. He taught me everything I know about comedy. Now I cannot tell you how he came to be a talking frog and my comedic companion, because I am sworn to secrecy at the moment. Bob has written a radio theater audio spectacular called "The Story of the Frogman Part One: Radioactive French Fries." It is set to be released between now and say, 3 years from now (factoring in production delays and extreme procrastination). It will answer all of your questions. Please be patient until then. They say that after War of the Worlds, radio theater died, but Bob insists we can revive it. Bob and I will be playing ourselves, although behind my back he did try to get Shia Labeouf to play me. When he couldn't get him to be in it, Bob kept changing my name in the script to "Ass Monkey." But it should be pretty great when it is complete.

Until then, Bob, myself, and my crack staff of bullFROGGER correspondents will be trying our best to entertain you daily. Well...week-daily. Hold on...let me see if Bob wants to say anything.......umm...he said to screw off, because he's watching the TV. It's that Paula Abdul reality show. He filled my DVR with every episode and he watches them over and over. He says he likes it because he thinks, and I quote, "That broad is crazy enough to bang a frog. I gotta chance."

I mentioned my team of correspondents. I will be introducing them to you in the weeks ahead. I'm hoping you will give them your attention as well. I'm going to go now. I hope you enjoyed my post. Below this post is something I call a MySpace Classic. I will be posting some of my old material from my MySpace blog from time to time. This may seem like a cheat in order for me to pass off old material as new again...and that was my intention. I cheat...deal with it. Anyway...PLEASE bookmark me, tell your friends, make comments, send e-mails. I'm really going to try and make this something and I hope you will all come along for the ride. New hilarity every day...Monday-Friday. Got it? I leave you all with this video I harshly edited together. It is pretty self explanatory. Enjoy.

The Frogman's Cookie Recipe

2008-09-05T12:00:00.000-05:00

Original Post: March 10, 2006

I have never tried this...but I'm sure it will work.

Make cookie dough
Form cookie sized blobs from cookie dough and place on cookie sheet or cookie sheet like thing.
Preheat oven to 4000 degrees.
Set timer for 2.3 seconds.
Serve with milk.

Be sure to use oven mitts because that cookie sheet might be a little hot.

Enjoy.

post graphics test

2008-04-22T13:49:00.024-05:00

bullFROGGER.net

IN THE BEGINNING...

The Frogman's Cookie Recipe

post graphics test