BunkoSquad

Time to Fess Up

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:28:50 -0500

I haven't written anything for a couple weeks, I know. Truth is, I've been working on something secret and awesome. Without exaggerating, it's like a million times better than LOLbowski.

And here it is.

This Gets Me Mad

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 09:26:18 -0500

People are debating whether or not Curt Schilling belongs in the Hall of Fame.

When, exactly, did the Hall of Fame become the Hall of Math? A common argument against Schilling is that Bert Blyleven had better numbers, or Tommy John had a slightly lower [(walks/inning * park-adjusted ERA)/(K/balk ratio in day games * the square root of switch-hitting opponents' batting average on artificial turf)] so there's no way Schilling should get in until they do.

Hogwash. Schilling was a very good regular season pitcher and a transcendent pitcher when the stakes were the highest. Maybe (well...definitely) I'm biased, but the guy helped carry Arizona to a championship, and he carried the Sox to a World Series win when his foot was attached by rubber bands and Popsicle sticks.

The Hall of Fame test, which I always thought and Bill Simmons elucidated nicely, is, will you ever tell your grandkids that you watched someone play. People will be talking about Schill for decades to come. Did anyone ever buy a ticket to a Twins game because Blyleven was pitching?

It amazes me how many Hall of Fame voters base their votes on numbers and numbers alone. If that's what gets you into the Hall, why use voters at all? Why not just let a computer decide?

Cheaper Than Heating Oil

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 09:25:38 -0500

I know it's early to be thinking about winter, but if you're concerned about heating costs, this might be the thing for you. A fireplace - or even a pit - and all the conservative literature you can handle, just about as cheap as newspaper. With the added bonus of watching certain faces crinkle in the flames. Good times.

What does (limited) mean?

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 13:55:10 -0500

Youth in Revolt has a "limited" release on December 5th. Um....need more information please!!! I will go to New York for this if I must. LA or Cannes will be tricky. But maybe since CD Payne went to Harvard, Boston will be one of the first cities to get it. How am I going to keep myself occupied for five more months?

The Future of Video Games

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 10:12:26 -0500

For someone who spent 96.4% of his sixteenth year on the Commodore 64, it's surprising how fast video games and I parted ways. I finally bought a Playstation to play sports games (about 45 minutes after I got it home, they announced the release of the PS2) and I fumbled with Guitar Hero once for about 20 forgettable minutes. But your Wiis and your XBoxes and such are foreign to me.

So I read this article, on the next 25 years of video games, with a healthy mixture of fear and awe. Some highlights:

Spore and PS3 Home are still made up of people and therefore a certain percentage of those wondrous new universes will be composed of dicks. At some point you will travel to a wondrous new Spore world and find the creatures there have evolved to have hides covered in porn URLs.

...

Electronic Arts could crank out a Shrek 9 game in a couple of weeks that features nothing more than Shrek standing in your front yard, quietly staring and occasionally farting. The whole time your brain will be telling you it's the most fun you've ever had.

Also, the article is about 145% better considering the occasional insertion of the Burger King.

(First seen at Ezra Klein.

"Let It Ride" - A Revere Vignette

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:39:37 -0500

After the parade, I decided to take a roundabout, fairly scenic route home. So I found myself on an MBTA bus in Revere, where this astounding conversation took place.

Our dramatis personae include our two main characters - let's call them Paul and Louie. You know the type. Friendly, chatty, maybe - and I mean this in the least cruel way possible - a little soft in the head. The kind of guys who will come up to you at the bus stop and make you wish you had headphones on, because they're too dopey to be interesting to talk to, and too amiable to just tell to screw off.

Our third character is a heavyset guy named Vic. Now this isn't strictly relevant to the story, but it's what caught my eye and ear in the first place. Vic had a...well, I hate to throw the word "toupee" around, especially when that word is patently inadequate to describe the marvel of architectural engineering perched atop Vic. Let's just say he could have strapped a live tabby-cat to his head and it would have been less conspicuous.

Paul and Louie, clearly, are single gentlemen, and the topic of discussion quickly turned to Paul's reluctance to try Internet dating. Louie was game for the pep talk to end all pep talks. He stressed the smallness of the fees involved, he talked up the diverse and many sites that Paul could avail himself of. Nowhere in this did Louie indicate any personal success with same, but clearly he thought this was the route for Paul to take.

Louie's patter was almost hypnotic. Every time he reached the crescendo of the point he was making, he'd say "let it ride", and go in to Paul for a fist bump/dap/terrorist hand signal. Paul always was a little slow to respond, but never once left Louie hanging.

Also, after every third sentence (I was keeping track by this point), Louie would punctuate his spiel with a, "Right, Vic?" As in, "We've all been there, right, Vic?", or "You gotta let it ride, right, Vic?!" Vic would always nod or grunt noncommitally, though I can imagine the extracranial pressure he was under would render conversation difficult.

This went on for some time, with Louie extolling the virtues of the Internet to kickstart Paul's love life. But after a few stops, Vic got off the bus, possibly to avoid having to slit his wrists, and Louie and Paul followed a couple of stops later.

So we may never know how this saga ends. But it's good to know that Louie and Paul - and maybe Vic - are out there on the prowl, just lettin' it ride for all us sinners.

Parade Photos

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 15:04:26 -0500

All of them.

Quote of the Year

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 08:59:44 -0500

"I got my own. I got my own. I hope we made you proud." - Kevin Garnett, to Bill Russell.

10 Years...Coming Up

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 11:04:26 -0500

Mid-August. Somewhere in Greater Boston. There will be some sort of celebration to commemorate ten years of sporadic posting, epic procrastination and occasional yuks. Yes, the BunkoSquad 10th Anniversary Party. If you're reading this, consider yourself invited. Please please PLEASE email me (bunkosquad@gmail.com) if you think you can make it and want to get updates when I know more.

The Big LOLbowski....The Unveiling

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 10:42:46 -0500

Presenting.....The Big LOLbowski.

Dear Senator Obama,

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 09:47:07 -0500

Please don't pick Hillary Clinton for your Vice-President. She's spent months trashing you. You really don't want her friends and advisors trying to shoehorn themselves into your campaign. And I just can't get out of my mind the image of Bill knocking you unconscious with a 2x4 seconds after you take the Oath of Office, while Hillary declares you incapacitated, invokes the 25th Amendment, and pardons Bill in one breath.

Sure, Hillary's "open to the idea" of running for VP. In the same way that I'm open to the idea of playing first base for the Sox tonight, or open to the idea of dating Zooey Deschanel. Doesn't mean you have to take her seriously.

Kthxbye

Vicariously

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 08:56:50 -0500

While I've been living the high life, making the circuit of hot spots such as Auburn and Westford, I have one friend in Japan, another leaving this week for Ireland, one going to Mexico soon, and a couple people who went to South America.

And then there are my two friends who just completed an incredible cross-country road trip. Laurie has pictures, and more pictures, and a detailed travelogue at her site, everything in blue. She also made good on her promises to (a)send me a stack of postcards and (b)have a slice of pie. Go check her site out right now.

The Natural Balance of the Universe Has Been Restored

Sat, 31 May 2008 00:46:42 -0500

Bring it.

This Morning's Discussion

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:48:45 -0500

PERSON 1: Are you going to see Sex and the City this weekend?
(PERSON 2 and PERSON 3 laugh)
PERSON 3: No, I don't think so.
PERSON 1: seems like a perfect thing for a single guy to do; go sit in a room full of women...
PERSON 2: True.
PERSON 3: Yeah, but what a waste of $10. Wouldn't it be better to just be outside the theater when the movie let out?
PERSON 2: Like you're crouching in a duck blind.
PERSON 1: Right, and ask someone coming out, "How was it? Would you like to get a drink and discuss it?"
PERSON 2: Well, don't come right out with, "How was it?"; that makes you look like the guy who can't afford to go see a damn movie.
PERSON 1: That'd be even worse tomorrow. What with the matinee crowd and all.
PERSON 2: And you definitely don't want to make it look like you're just pacing around outside the theater waiting for the women to come out the door.
PERSON 3: I just thought of a major flaw in this plan.
PERSON 1 and PERSON 2: What?
PERSON 3: Even if it works, you then have to pretend you're interested in the Sex and the City movie for a little while afterwards.
FIN

(The above was loosely based on both an actual conversation in which I participated, and on some of my stream-of-consciousness about the situation. I'll be watching the Celtics tonight, at a bar, with friends, so if you see some mope lurking outside the Common Theater tonight, it ain't me. No promises on not trying to swoop on the matinee crowd tommorow. And don't bother asking why Person 3 speaks before Person 2.)

Michelle Malkin Calls For Keebler Boycott After Bad Dream About Elves

Thu, 29 May 2008 11:34:06 -0500

After successfully bringing down the Absolut Vodka company over its plans to claim the Southwest for Mexico, and running Dunkin Donuts out of business because of Rachael Ray's scary Arab scarf, conservative columnist and Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin called for a complete boycott of the Keebler Company after a recent nightmare in which elves perpetrated a terrorist attack on American soil.

"Keebler has some explaining to do!", led a 3,400-word screed on Malkin's website against the manufacturer of cookies, crackers, and other snack foods. "Is there a fifth-and-a-half column of elves in this country, working against America? And are Keebler's hands and Vienna Fingers soaked in the blood of 9/11 victims? Nobody should eat a single Wheatable until Keebler explains themselves."

Within minutes, Malkin's post had received 143 comments declaiming the "Islamo-gnomic-fascist" qualities of the company, in one commenter's words. "Does E.L.Fudge stand for 'Everybody Loves Fudge', or 'Elfen Liberation-at-any-cost Fudge?" asked another.

According to Malkin, after a weekend binge of ice cream in Keebler waffle cones, she had a terrifying nightmare in which the company's elf mascots, having snuck over the border from the Enchanted Forest, plot a crippling attack on the nation's highway and electrical infrastructure. "It was uncommonly bad," Malkin said. "And Keebler and its parent company Kellogg's have much to answer for, since loyal Americans deserve to know if they are helping pave the way for an elf-Qaeda attack."

Malkin has also recently warned of external threats to America's security from La Choy brands, the Egyptian wing of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art, and the Minnesota Vikings.