I have a new blog site at www.WanderWomanBook.com. I am now posting there first. Supposedly, the posts then link to this site for you to read within 48 hours. As I learned today, this system isn’t perfect.

To remedy this, you can
1) sign up to receive my posts immediately at www.WanderWomanBook.com where I will also be sharing book chapters and news about the upcoming book. Then you can either unsubscribe here or reply to this email and I will do it for you.
2) Remain on this list and bear with me as I work out all the bugs. I will do my best to keep this clean.

Thank you for your understanding. And happy International Women’s Day!

I was first in line to go through the security station at my gate in the airport in Amsterdam. Before I could get to the conveyor belt, an airline employee took my passport and told me to go to one of the tables. I obeyed.

There were three pedestals but nobody stood behind them, so I walked straight over to plastic bins at the conveyor belt and started sorting out my belongings. Both the woman who had my passport and another man yelled at me. I looked back to see them pointing at one of the empty pedestals.

The man laughed at me and said, “She should sell your passport.”

The woman then asked in a mocking tone, “What were you thinking?”

Obviously, I was more of a source of amusement to them than a threat. There were five security agents around the conveyor belt and the brand new “puffer” machine. Had the airline employees considered my perspective, that I just might have thought they were indicating I should go through security instead of standing at an unmanned pedestal, then we might have had a more pleasant experience.

It’s true I could have stopped and asked for clarification when I didn’t see what I would call a table. I am guilty of making quick decisions based on the information I have, which is typical high-achieving behavior. Since I didn’t see a table, I marched onward not thinking to ask for help. Taking in all sides of the story, this was a clear case by all involved of passing judgment on someone’s intelligence without all the facts.

How many times do you judge people’s behavior before seeing from their perspective? How often do you expect people to do things your way without realizing they were operating from a different set of directions or assumptions? Then you think, “What were they thinking?” and you even laugh at their lapse in reasoning without realizing that their line of reasoning was different from yours.

I know I’m guilty of judging before really looking at what other viewpoints are possible. This incident reminded me that 1) seeking to understand another’s perspective and 2) trying to see if I can be helpful is much better than thinking someone is an idiot.

We often talk about knee-jerk reactions being about anger and fear. I think we also have a spontaneous, knee-jerk reaction to people who do something we don’t expect. The instant reaction creates the thought, “What an idiot.” I challenge you to notice the next time this thought pops into your brain. Is the person really stupid or could they just be seeing things differently than you?

While passing through the new puffer machine, the ones installed since the Underwear Bomber incident at Christmas, I wondered what behavior would indicate a true breach in the security procedures. Yes, we need to identify the real bullies, extremists and idiots. And we need to distinguish the average person who is just trying to do their best from the true problems.

It’s time to put the realm of possibility into our judgments and shift to feelings of respect for people who just have a different, harmless perspective from our own.

At least, that’s what I’m working on when I try not to use the “idiot” word when thinking about the airport employees who laughed at me.

I am not surprised, are you? In my experience teaching leadership courses around the world, I have found that many leaders have fallen back into old fear-based tactics instead of inspiring change. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this relapse of negative behavior in the United States even more intensely than in many European and Latin American countries. So I’m not surprised to hear that male leaders haven’t changed their attitudes about the value of women.

However, I have also coached many women who are not putting up with this behavior, recession or not. I believe the rise in women-owned businesses demonstrates that the high-achievers are looking at corporations as training ground rather than long-term careers. So they put up with inequities long enough to get the experience they need to move on to creating a business scenario that provides greater recognition for their contributions.

With women making up more than half of the workforce, and research indicating that companies with women in the boardroom did better during the recession than those that lacked the feminine touch, I believe women will be moving into more powerful positions in the next decade regardless of Catalyst’s stats.

In his book, Born to Be Good, Dachel Keltner, director of Social Interaction Laboratories at UC Berkeley, claims that true survival of humanity is not “survival of the fittest” (or strongest) but is actually due to our remarkable tendencies toward playfulness, cooperation, generosity, respect and a deep moral sense. It is our need for belonging, our need to have people care about us and our need to build communities for safety and connection that sustains our existence.

If this is true, then it makes sense that women will strongly rise out of the chaos no matter what is holding them back at the moment. As conventional systems break down and the progressive systems are based on open-source creation, work communities (one step beyond teams), and cultures based on respect instead of fear, I believe the companies that have women leaders at the core will survive and thrive where others may die. I believe the board rooms and workplaces will look totally different a decade from now.

This could be the truth about the Pipeline, or it could be a Pipedream. What do you think?

The topic first emerged when I woke up Tuesday with excruciating back pain. After reviewing my previous day, I realized that my pain was due to my over- zealousness in exercise class. I was the only one who could do a complicated abdominal exercise. As soon as I realized everyone was watching me, I pumped out an extra set with vigor. They cheered. I loved the attention.

Then my back trumped my ego by making it tough to get out of bed the next day. I humbly waddled through the next few days.

This theme came up three times this week in coaching sessions. From differentiating a business focus to choosing to leave a job, the question came up: should I choose what I am good at or focus on what brings me joy? Also, when people tell me I am good at something, do I take on more work just to to get the applause (or money, promotions, etc)?

It is difficult to quiet our reward-seeking brain to hear the answers to the questions: What do I really want for myself? Am I killing myself at the expense of my happiness? Even though I am good at something, do I enjoy doing it? What do I neglect that is truly missing for me?

If you are feeling numb, joyless, overworked or achy, it’s time to re-assess how you spend your time and energy. Adding a little more joy in and decreasing your tendency to show off will have a huge payoff in the long run for your health, happiness and even your success.

Think about these questions. Comment here or go to my new site at www.WanderWomanBook.com and share your thoughts. And please, don’t break your back for a moment’s applause.

Always being right not only hurts your relationships, but it is also a heavy responsibility to bear. You have to work harder to discount other people’s ideas than if you just looked for the value in their suggestions.

Yet, because “being the one who knows” is foundational to your sense of self, you may feel uncomfortable letting go of this persona. The practice is worth it — life is so much easier and healthier when you don’t have to be right.

Opening my mind to the possibility that someone else could come up with a useful idea was a breakthrough in my relationship with my former boss. I was complaining to my coach about how my boss disrespected me by forcing me to accept his ideas without hearing mine when she explained,

“He is doing his best with the amount of light he has; his light is small while yours is large. But he is doing his best with what he has.”

I loved that explanation until she added, “Now, you have the responsibility to model what big light looks like.”

I knew she was right. If I was truly “the person who knows better” then I had to slow down my negative reactions to his contrary ideas.

Funny thing—when I quieted my defensive mind enough to hear him out, I found some interesting kernels in what he proposed. When I began acknowledging his ideas, he in turn asked to hear mine, which he then praised.

That’s when I realized that two people who like to be right will never have a satisfying discussion until one of them lowers the wall.

Here’s my challenge to you…let someone else be right this week on something that matters to you. You can offer another point of view, but only after you acknowledge that their perception has value. Let me know what happens.

Taken from Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction, to be released June 15th. You can reply to this post at www.BurdenofGreatness.com

Part of me was disappointed, embarrassed, angry, and even worried. The rest of me was utterly relieved. Woo hoo!

While interviewing women for my book, Wander Women, I had a very accomplished woman tell me, “All my life I was taught to raise my hand. Now I’m finally questioning what I’m raising my hand for.”

I do like serving my associations that have given so much to me in the form of education and networking. I have to admit, I also like the attention and prestige I get for holding leadership positions. Yet in meeting my needs, I haven’t done a good job of weighing the costs. Fame can be fatiguing.

In Gone with the Wind, Rhett Butler told Scarlett, “Until you’ve lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.”

What titles, positions, and roles do you hold onto because you are afraid you won’t be credible without them? What tasks have you taken on that you have come to regret because of the drain on your time and energy?

It’s time we tell the truth about what we are raising our hands for, and create more space for work that is more fulfilling and freeing.

Post your comments at www.BurdenofGreatness.com. Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction will be released June 15th. Stay tuned for more information.

What is the price of impression management? What parts of ourselves do we keep in exile?

I learned a great lesson about uncovering and claiming the parts of me I have imprisoned in my first improvisational acting class. I attended a week-long camp in the woods in New York. I fumbled and mumbled through every scene and hid out from my fellow campers in the evening. I knew I looked stupid. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Then I met Carol Fox Prescott. After begrudgingly performing a short song and dance on stage, she blocked my retreat and told me to repeat the performance.

I did.

She made me do it again.

I did.

She said, “Until you arouse every man in this room, you can’t leave this stage.”

I was appalled. I saw myself as a consummate corporate trainer and keynote speaker, not a sex object. I was instructional and motivating, not seductive.

She made me perform again. And again. The angrier I got, the more I belted out my song and thrusted my hips around the stage.

During the ninth rendition, I felt what it is truly like to be totally open and vulnerable, releasing all of me with relish, anger, passion and fun. Everyone cheered, hooted and whistled throughout the performance. At the end, I fell to the floor in tears.

Carol took my hand and said, “You have disconnected from your sexuality. Until you find this beautiful part of yourself and share it with the world, you will never fully connect with your audience or anyone else in your life.” I knew in my soul that she was right.

Carol brought me back in touch with the silly, sexy, loving woman that I had lost contact with in all my years of being the perfect achiever. While trying to be the perfect performer, I was not being authentic. Now, being perfectly authentic became my goal, a nobler aspiration than trying to look and act with precision. I still planned on doing well, but I put all of me into the act.

Carol helped me to see the pleasure in giving 100% and to find that people love my messy, silly, imperfect self even more than the “confident high-achiever” self I tried so hard to uphold. I may not sing and dance on stage, but when I teach and speak, I laugh whole-heartedly with my audience and even at myself.

Do you have a story to share about reconnecting with your hidden self? Comment here or post it on my blog, www.burdenofgreatness.com.

The scene focused on Christina Yang telling her boyfriend about her near-marriage experience. She described her relationship as a process of giving herself away to him, piece by piece. In tears, she says to her current lover, “That will never happen again.”

With little guidance, we are starting to figure out how to say no to giving ourselves away and molding our lives into what others want for us. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always feel good. We may loose people and jobs we love in the process. Hopefully, we then come to love ourselves.

I called my brother in San Francisco who has had a continual problem with raccoons breaking in through his cat door. He said there was nothing I could do except to pay for a very expensive door that had a sensor and acted like a garage door. The steel in the door was so thick you would think we were keeping thieves from breaking into a safe.

I said, “Isn’t there an easier way?”

He said they had tried everything. “No matter what you try short of this door, the raccoons will figure it out. Think about it, you might spend an hour a day trying to solve this problem. The raccoons have all day to figure out how to bypass your tricks.”

It’s not that the raccoons are smarter than me, I think. They have more time to focus on the issue than I do.

Isn’t this true for anything you do? If you want to improve your influencing skills, you have to spend time being mindful of your communications and practicing each day. If you want to build your social networking presence, you have to commit at least an hour a day to conversing with your communities. If you want to have more energy, you need to focus on what will make you healthier.

What are you going to focus on today? Set an intention in the morning then acknowledge what you’ve done at night. Put your own tricks into play to keep your focus. And if you have a good one, please share it here or comment on the blog.

When I checked into the hotel, I was disappointed that I would be spending a week far from the city center with snow expected almost every day. I was teaching a leadership class so I would have little time to explore the city. The view out my window was populated by bare trees and a distant skyline.

Yet inside, something amazing was happening. High school children were laughing, sharing laptop screens and loudly debating in many different languages. The excitement in their eyes was enticing. This wasn’t a soccer team or random tourist group. They dressed in suits and carried their laptops with purpose.

MUN students after a long day

They were in The Hague for the MUN–Model United Nations. If you don’t know, the Hague is not only the seat of government for the Netherlands (Amsterdam is the capital but the government sits here), it is the judicial capital of the United Nations, where war criminals are tried and international disputes are arbitrated, hopefully. It is also known as the International City of Peace and Justice.

The Hague Model United Nations is the oldest and largest high school United Nations simulation in the world, gathering 4000 students from over 200 secondary schools across the globe. Students research a country, take on roles as diplomats, investigate international issues, debate, deliberate, consult, and then develop solutions to world problems.

How cool is that? I watched these kids interact for a week, literally having the times of their lives. If our future world leaders were in their midst, I felt both energized and hopeful.

I think it rubbed off. I taught a leadership class to the heads of terminal operations in a shipping company, one that had experienced many cuts and layoffs in the past year. Yet we all left the week feeling energized and hopeful.

I realized that seeing the spirit in the eyes of a child is both uplifting and inspiring.

Maybe the best way of coping with today’s problems is to focus on the possibilities in the future, the innovative ideas of the young (and young-at-heart), and the health of the planet we will soon entrust to them.

I now have an entirely new view of teenagers. I think I’ll go find one to mentor.