Butchtastic

The sharp, sweet sting of Her love

Kyle — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 06:00:57 +0000

I lie open to Her, exposed and vulnerable, and, as always, still trying to be the warrior, despite my exposure.

She stands before me, strong stance, commanding eyes, steady grip on the flogger. The chaotic world is still swirling around me, reaching for me, tugging at the sleeves of my attention, making it’s unending demands. The first hard lick of the flogger forces those grabby fingers away, narrows the world, until it only holds Her and me and the sling I’m bound to. Throw by throw, She peels away my other concerns, chases away my demons, creates this space that leaves no room for confusion or chaos. Her movements are mesmerizing, poetic, dance moves that leave red-flared pain in their wake. And Order. With each sharp blow, my mind becomes more ordered, more focused and clear.

Temporarily, a calm eye appears within the storm of my life, created through canes and floggers, fingernails and clamps. Pain and focus. Clarity and purpose. Command and service. Sharp color spreading over the bland grey-beige and insistent grabby voices of life. Within this orderly bubble She creates, I have the freedom to be controlled. You may wonder, where is the freedom in being told when to come and how to stand, and how high to jump? It is the freedom from responsibility, if only for a few precious hours. It starts when my Sir puts Her collar around my neck. The world begins to narrow, my focus automatically shifting to Her. She takes on the burden of being in charge, I gratefully leave the burden behind. The feeling of lightness is immediate. I feel energized, stronger, younger, anticipating and embracing the challenge of what is to come.

I don’t meditate well. I need help clearing my mind and coming into the calm center of me. My Sir brings me clarity and focus. Pain and order.

*Thud!* Her flogger hits me squarely on the shoulder blade and knocks away some cluster of work related concerns…

*Thud!Sting!* cut edges on the falls catch me like raking fingernails across the backs of my thighs and there go worries about what will happen the next day…

*Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!* a series of paddle strikes across my ass clears my mind for several minutes, not even sure I could recite my social security number at that point, much less muster any sense of responsibility for paying bills or repairing major appliances…

*Owwwww! Arrrrggggg!!* clover clamps, old friends and enemies, bite into my nipples, chewing their way to the center of my attention… the rest of the world falls away for several, blindingly painful moments….

*TingThwack!TingThwack!* Her cane plays high pitched notes of sharp anguish across my inner thighs and calves, and suddenly, I’m flying high, unconcerned about any noises I might be making, hips rising without shame, body and soul roaring and surging in time with the skillful baton strokes of my Conductor

I don’t know what it looks like from the outside, within moments of entering the dungeon with Her, I stop caring what other people think about what we’re doing. It’s all about Her, all about rising to the challenge, all about abandoning my uber-control, giving it to Her. She makes me feel like a warrior – fierce, strong, loyal, worthy of the time and attention She devotes to me.

In the end, She sits me down, packs up the gear, cleans the apparatus, pets and praises me lavishly. We sit together and come down from the high, still wrapped tightly together with looks and soft words, Her warm, strong hands letting me know that I am still under Her protection. I am so proud to be Hers, so proud sitting within the swirl of the dungeon, knowing without question that I have the best Sir, that I am the luckiest boy.

So do you still wonder why I do this? Why I crave these experiences with Her? You’re kidding right? Who wouldn’t want to be treated like the greatest warrior ever, given progressively greater challenges to prove your worthiness and then have love and admiration lavished on you by a beautiful, intelligent, powerful woman? It gets me higher than any drug I’ve tried, and feels 100% times better afterward. And then there is the relief of being able to shed the responsibility for making sure the world doesn’t fall apart, even for a little while.

My body doesn’t mark for long, not visibly, but it holds the memory of every moment with Her. I may not be able to meditate very well, but I can mindfully call up those memories and feel the thud and the sting and the caress of Her attention at any moment. These are my treasures, gifts given from Her generosity and wickedly fertile mind. And, though the act of gathering these gems is unbelievably good, it is absolute magic to call them forth, time after time, and relive those moments whenever the need arises. And believe me, in the chaotic, cacophonous, messy swirl of my life, the need arises quite often.

Pain and order. Service and purpose. Clarity and focus. The sharp, sweet sting of Her love will always be my favorite drug.

Into her arms

Kyle — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:23:59 +0000

Later today, I’ll board a jet and head south to the Bay Area. I’ll arrive late, but she’ll be there. My lover. My partner. My best friend and hand-fasted mate. She’ll be there with a smile and kisses and wonderfully warm, strong arms to hold me. And I’ll return the favor.

She posted yesterday about how, no matter the time elapsed between visits, we always come back together as if no time has passed. We haven’t forgotten how to kiss, or touch, each other. We haven’t forgotten how to be together, the easiness of it, the rightness. It takes no time at all to remember how to laugh together, smile together, hold hands. It just flows, same as it has each time we’ve come together for the last 3+ years.

In her post, Roxy compared our visits to lights on a string, one flowing to the next. That visual made me think about parallel time tracks and the way it seems our visits have their own reality, their own sense of time. Subjectively, there are weeks and months between visits that are full of doctor’s appointments, work schedules, family drama and everything else in our regular lives. Once we’re back together, it will feel as though we’re always together. The gap will close with an almost audible ‘pop’. I’m partway into that mental space now. Going through the routine of the day, knocking things off the to do list and watching the clock for that magic time when I roll my truck onto the highway and begin the journey back to her. Back to us. Into her arms.

Suburban Butch Dad Report: a groom to be?

Kyle — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 01:08:52 +0000

If you’re tracking queer related news in the US, you probably noticed that Washington State took a big step toward legalizing queer marriages the other day. Elder Spawn and I went to the capitol to be on hand for part of the deliberations that night, and came home in time to watch the final vote with Mrs. Kyle (Little Bit continued to play, loudly, as if nothing of importance was happening).

The Washington State Senate passed the bill, known as the Marriage Equality bill, that night, 28-21,a bigger margin than we’d been told to expect. We were all feeling emotional and triumphant. It was wonderful to share this with Elder Spawn, who is old enough to understand what’s going on, both the process and the politics. There are two more challenges to face, the House vote and the Referendum this fall. The House is expected to pass it by an even larger margin and Governor Chris has already promised to sign it into law. Then we’ll face a referendum challenge and all the nastiness that comes along with people collecting signatures to take away our rights. Been there, done that, not sure how it’s going to turn out this time. Even after all the queer rights roller coaster rides I’ve been on in my life, I’m cautiously optimistic.

So why was I also feeling blue? What party crashing thoughts were running through my head, making it hard to fully celebrate this amazing milestone? Being able to marry my partner of 18 years would be a dream come true, and yet, that night, I was sitting on my couch feeling less than ecstatic.

The truth is, I do want more than the standard issue rights to marriage. No, I don’t want to marry a toaster, or a pet. But I’m in love with two women, I have two loves of my life and I will only be able to marry one of them. Some of you are gonna shake your heads and think I’m just a selfish, hard-to-please bastard. Maybe you’re right, but that’s beside the point. I love them both and I wish I could formally and legally declare to the world that I am bound to each of them.

It makes every kind of logical sense to grab any chance I can to formalize the partnership I have with my partner of 18 years. We have a house, we have children, this is the rational thing to do. And, make no mistake, I’ll do it both because it’s the right thing to do and because I love her and it’s what I want to do. But I still felt like I’d gotten kicked in the gut when it all came to me that night. See, this idea, wish, dream of marriage being legalized in Washington has always seemed like a long shot. I really didn’t believe it would happen in my lifetime. Maybe that’s why I didn’t sit down with myself and consider how it would feel, considering my poly loves and the impact this could have on my relationship with Roxy.

I wasn’t the only one having a difficult time with it. Roxy was also feeling a sense of loss, of grief. And so it was that we opened up our webcam connection and cried together. She’s written beautifully about her feelings and how hard and beautiful it is to work through this together and still be together afterward. There were things we grieved and cried about that aren’t directly related to my upcoming potential wedding. There’s the ongoing challenge of keeping our relationship current and vital while at the same time she’s brought someone new into her life and her home. She and Theo need time to be a couple, too. I recognize that, and at the same time, it hurts my heart because I want to be there, making a life with her. What is my role in her life if someone else is living with her, someone she loves and who loves her in return? And where does she fit in when I’m already planning a wedding day with my other love?

The sun came up the next day, and Roxy and I still loved each other. The sun came up, and life continued, and the challenges are still here, and we still love each other. These questions of where do I fit, where does she fit? — we’re not through with them, or maybe they’re not through with us — not by a long shot. But ask me do I still love her? Do I want to continue this relationship, even with all the mysteries and uncertainties and trials?

I do.

Note to self…

Kyle — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:06:07 +0000

… when your lover is having a hard time, and sharing with you, and it’s difficult and challenging for her to share, remember: It’s not about you, don’t make it about you, step back and open up and be there … Continue reading →

Butch Answers

Kyle — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:22:55 +0000

A few days ago, I posted a list of questions related to my butch identity, for a butch photography project. Here are my answers:

Questionnaire

1. Where are you from? I’m from Olympia, Washington, which, contrary to what some believe, is not the same as being from Seattle.

2. What is your occupation and/or what are your main activities in life? I’m a consulting software developer, a published erotic fiction writer, a parent, and an activist and organizer within the queer community as well as the software development community.

3. What does it mean to you to be Butch? For me being butch is about expressing my innate masculinity. It is my presentation, the clothes I wear, the way I cut my hair, the way I walk and talk and move about in the world.

4. Do you remember when you first heard the word Butch? The first time I heard it in reference to me was in high school, I was a junior (16 years old).

5. At what age did you identify as butch? I took on the label of butch in high school, mostly because my friends insisted that’s what I was, based on behavior, clothing choices, activities and who I was attracted to.

6. At what age did others identify you as butch? 16, that was the first time someone said it to my face, but I heard later that my friends identified me as butch a lot earlier on, going back to junior high and elementary school. As a kid, I was a tomboy and people used to think I was a boy a lot of the time.

7. Did other people identify you as butch before you identified yourself that way? yes, but once they started using the term, and telling me what it meant, I completely agreed.

8. What are the most important things that a Butch must have? I don’t believe there is a single, correct way to be butch. I think each person who identifies as butch knows what it means to them, and their definition may overlap mine, but may also be different in many ways. I respect that authenticity and encourage everyone, regardless of how they identify, to find their own path and meaning within that identity. For me, that means I feel ready to take on the world when I’ve got a sturdy pair of shoes or boots on, a knife clipped to my pocket and a packy in my briefs. I’m most comfortable in button-fly jeans and men’s style shirts. I love wearing button downs and ties for dress up occasions.

9. What are the most important things that a Butch must be? Honest with themselves, living authentically and without falling into stereotypical patterns of behavior. But I think these are standards everyone should live by, not just butch individuals.

10. What things do you *do* that you think aren’t butch? nothing… I’m butch, therefore, anything I do is butch. Although, stereotypically, some people might look at some of my behaviors and activities as being ‘not butch’. For example, a lot of people associate butch sexuality with being the sexual aggressor, with being the top. I’m not that kind of butch, I enjoy a full range of sexual activities as both the the person who gives and receives touch and penetration, for example. I’m also a butch who didn’t see becoming pregnant as a contradiction, though I know some struggle with that. For some, it’s not correct butch behavior to be attracted to other butches, or trans guys or cis-males, and I used to conform to that unwritten rule as well. Now, I’m happy to say, I don’t see my butch identity as conflicting or restricting my sexual and emotional attractions.

11. What things do you *feel* that you think aren’t butch? Well, again, I define my butchness at a personal level, so anything I feel is butch because I am butch.

12. Who do you date? Butches, femmes, both, neither, straights, trans people, all of the above? I am not currently dating but if I were, my attractions would not be restricted by gender or presentation. I have been attracted to and/or been in relationships with, butch identified women, femmes, genderqueers and bisexual women. If I were in a position to date, I’d be open to involvement with anyone who got my physical and mental juices flowing, which includes butches, trans men, femmes, cis-men, cis-women, genderqueers, bisexuals and trans women. My current crushes tend to be on trans-masculine people.

13. Who are your role models? My father has always been a very important role model for the way he expresses masculinity and the loving, respectful way he treats the people in his life. One butch role model is Pat Shively, who founded and ran a women’s health clinic in town for many years. She was apologetically masculine, old-school butch without the chauvinism or sexism I found so common elsewhere in the community. She didn’t shy away from controversy, stood up for what she believed in and didn’t back down from a fight. She believed in herself, she was secure in her identity and was the first to step up and defend the rights of others. There are others I admire – writers, artists, activists in the community – but my Dad and Pat are two of my heroes. In terms of personal integrity and living their values, those two are giants.

14. Is Butch a gender identity, an erotic expression, a way of life, a political position, or…? This is how I break it down: My gender identity is genderqueer, I am bi-gender, recognizing both male and female gender identities within me. Erotically, I am queer, I have an appreciation and attraction to a wide range of people, regardless of gender identity and biological sex, as long as they identify as queer in some way. I’m attracted to queer people. Butch is a way of life, a way of presenting myself to the world, a way of seeing myself and moving around in the world. All of it is political: my gender identity, my sexuality and the gender binary non-conforming way I present myself. All of these elements of my identity constitute a rebellion against the status quo, and are authentic to me. They are not statements I’m making for the sake of politics, they are personal first, political second.

15. Did you ever fight identifying as butch? There was a period of time through my 20s and 30s where I had an on again, off again relationship with butch as an identity. During that time period, being butch was seen as old fashioned, out of step, even anti-feminist. For a time, that mindset and the peer pressure around it had me shying away from my butch identity.

16. Have you ever been embarrassed or ashamed of your masculinity? I’ve been targeted by bullies because of my masculinity, and I’m sure they were counting on making me ashamed and embarrassed about it, but it never worked. Instead, I became stronger and more resilient and self-determined.

17. Have you ever been ridiculed, threatened or harmed because of your masculinity? Yes, over the years I’ve had a lot of slurs hurled my way: dyke, fag, lezzie. People have attempted to insult me by questioning out-loud whether I was a boy or a girl. During my 8th grade year, I was ostracized, ridiculed and bullied by a lot of people in my school because of my perceived sexual orientation, based on my masculine appearance and behaviors. I bear the emotional scars of that year to this day. Every so often, someone gets angry with me because I’m using the women’s restroom and they’re sure I’m a man. Fortunately, I’ve never been physically attacked or harmed.

18. Do you ever wish that you weren’t butch? No, this identity fits me very well. Having gone through some long years of questioning my butchness and denying it, I’ve come back to this identity even stronger than before.

19. What do you like about being butch? It fits me, there’s not even a question in my mind that I’m butch. There are also perks, at least for me. I like being recognizably queer and gender binary non-conforming. I like walking into a queer bar and being recognized as queer. I don’t pass as straight, which is great, because I don’t want to. I also enjoy the appreciative looks I sometimes get from people who are attracted to butches and from other butches in recognition of what we have in common. There are privileges accorded to butches in some circles, I do enjoy a measure of male privilege but that’s problematic, since I’m not expressing my butchness in order to gain that privilege. I can recognize that privilege without being particularly happy that I have it, and understanding that my access to male privilege can be seen negatively by others.

20. What do you wish people knew about your butchness? That it is only one element of who I am, it is an important but not complete way of describing me.

21. What do you wish people knew about butchness in general? That ‘butch’ is not a one-size fits all identity. I know a lot of people who identify as butch and no two of us are exactly alike. I know people who identify as butch who I wouldn’t automatically guess were butch. Butches come in all sizes, colors and classes. Butches have a wide variety of experiences with relationships, a wide range of sexual preferences, hobbies, etc. Some people see butch as a characteristic, an adjective, if you will. Some see butch as a gender identity and/or a sexual identity. For some, butch is a core identity and for others, it’s one in a list of terms and labels they use to describe themselves. If there is anything universal about butches (and I hesitate to state this unequivocally), it would be that butches are rebels against societal limitations and expectations of how female bodied people should act. They aren’t the only ones, and the ways in which they rebel are as varied as there are butches in the world, but we are all rebelling against the stereotypes of how female bodied people should dress, act, walk, express, love and live.

22. Do you like being butch? Hell yeah, I do. Being butch is a big part of who I am, and I am happy being butch.

23. Do you like being different from the mainstream representation of what a woman “should” be? I’ve always chaffed at stereotypes and expectations related to female gender. Besides the fact that I don’t see myself as solely female — I identify as bi-gender, both male and female — I’ve never liked the limitations placed on females. From the time my mother forced me to wear dresses, to current times and criticisms about the fact that I pack on a daily basis, I’ve rebelled against limitations based on perceived gender.

24. Anything else you’d like to share or comment on?
In every community, there is an element of ‘policing’, or attempts to control behavior based on written or unwritten rules of conduct, and reinforced by peer pressure, and sometimes more violent means. For me, one of the most depressing things to come to grips with is that queer communities are not any more enlightened in this regard than others. For butches, there are definitely expectations and assumptions, behaviors that are seen as ‘not butch enough’. For example, it’s often assumed that butches date femmes, exclusively. I used to believe that myself and stopped identifying as butch, in part, because my partner at the time did not identify as femme. I didn’t think I could be butch unless my partner was femme. There are a lot of stereotypes about how butches should dress, and what activities we should enjoy, etc: butches are sexually aggressive, butches love sports, butches aren’t emotionally expressive, butches don’t like pink. It goes on and on, the list rules we’re expected to follow. Step across those lines and you’ll get funny looks at the very least. Quite often, depending on the situation, that you’ll be the target of snide comments, insults and social bullying if you transgress expectations. This is the same kind of policing that keeps women in their place and tells boys and men they can’t cry. It’s wrong and we shouldn’t support it in our communities.

Butch Questions

Kyle — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:25:36 +0000

Last year, in the spring I think it was, I drove to Seattle to take part in a butch photography project by SD Holman. At the time, I was sent a questionnaire to complete for the project. I worked on it for a bit, it’s got a lot of questions, but at some point I let it gather dust and slide into the dark corners of my to do pile.

A recent email from Holman brought that questionnaire into focus. I got to see some of the results of the shoot, and a reminder to do the questionnaire. So I’m working on it… and I’d like to share the questions with you, because some of you may find them interesting or thought provoking. I’d love to see some of your answers on any or all of them. The questions aren’t difficult, per se, but I’m finding it hard to articulate my answers in some cases. Anyway, here they are:

What does it mean to you to be Butch?

Do you remember when you first heard the word Butch?

At what age did you identify as butch?

At what age did others identify you as butch?

Did other people identify you as butch before you identified yourself that way?

What are the most important things that a Butch must have?

What are the most important things that a Butch must be?

What things do you *do* that you think aren’t butch?

What things do you *feel* that you think aren’t butch?

Who do you date? Butches, femmes, both, neither, straights, trans people, all of the above?

Who are your role models?

Is Butch a gender identity, an erotic expression, a way of life, a political position, or…?

Did you ever fight identifying as butch?

Have you ever been embarrassed or ashamed of your masculinity?

Have you ever been ridiculed, threatened or harmed because of your masculinity?

Do you ever wish that you weren’t butch?

What do you like about being butch?

What do you wish people knew about your butchness?

What do you wish people knew about butchness in general?

Do you like being butch?

Do you like being different from the mainstream representation of what a woman “should” be?

Anything else you’d like to share or comment on?

Something new for me, serving as a selection Juror for SEAF

Kyle — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:07:07 +0000

I have accepted an invitation to be a juror for the Literary Art exhibit at SEAF (Seattle Erotic Art Festival) for 2012. Last year both Roxy and I submitted work and were accepted as exhibitors. Seeing my story in print was a huge high, but reading it to an appreciative audience surpassed even that. So, I was going through my works in progress to see which I thought might make the cut this year when the invitation landed in my email.

After a few days of pondering, and the reassurance that I would have a chance to read some of my work at the festival, I decided to go for it. This is a new role, not anything I’ve ever done before, so it should be a great learning experience. It will also be a great networking experience. I know two of the other judges, but the other 2 are new to me. They are predominantly poets, and I think I’ll be the only short story writer on the jury. This will be a great opportunity to learn something about the process and about the lit art scene in Seattle. And, this is the 10th anniversary of SEAF, so it’s going to be a very good time to be involved.

For more information about the 2012 Seattle Erotic Art Festival, check out their home page. The Festival will be held on two weekends this year, from June 16 to June 24th. For more information about the Literary Exhibit, check out this page. Submissions will be accepted starting February 1st, ending March 10th.

Follow SEAF on twitter at @seattle_erotic, find them on Facebook, and check out their extensive website. They’re calling for volunteers of all kinds now, so if you want to get involved with this event, don’t be shy!

The fascinating life of a sex blogger…

Kyle — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:59:05 +0000

Did I suck you in with that? Were you hoping for lurid tales of public sex and parties with fancy people? Or maybe hours-long intimate sessions with my vast collection of sex toys? Or.. or… yeah, no. It did kinda seem like that for a couple of years, but things have settled down. The birth of my second daughter slowed me down considerably.

I am trying very hard to be a writer and a blogger, though, and the latter is suffering more from inattention than the former. I’ve got several stories in the works, but they all have potential to be submitted to publishers over the next several months, so I’m not popping them out on the blog. Now, in terms of my goal to be published, this is good, but for the readers of this blog who stuck around for the smut, it’s not so good.

As for the glamorous life of a writer… well I don’t have that either. I’m sitting here, on the couch between my two daughters. One will be heading to bed in a half hour or so, the other will be up for a while longer, hopefully not too late. My wife has been in bed, suffering from a migraine all day, so I haven’t had a chance to sit down and do anything requiring focus since this morning. And writing requires focus. Unless it’s this rambling kind of writing.

I have vivid fantasies of sitting in a quiet space engineered to be conducive to writing, focusing, diving deep, but instead I find myself squeezing my writing in between meetings, or at the ragged end of the day when everyone else is occupied or asleep and I’m putting off my bedtime. I’m trying to become more proficient at producing something meaningful in a half hour, or an hour if things are really going well.

My not-so glamorous life as a writer is all tangled up with my life as a family man and a guy with a career and some volunteer obligations. But I still have the same perverted imagination you’ve all come to know and love. Between diaper changes and dish washing, on my way to work and while doing the all the tasks of every day life, I’m mentally perverting the spatulas in the kitchen, and the chair in the dining room, and the tailgate of my truck. I have so many ideas and way too little time, and I really need to find a sustainable way to be a working guy and a parent and a writer and a blogger.

And I haven’t even told you about my big idea. We’ll do that another time. For now, take care, stay perverted and sexy and gender defiant. I love you all.

missing her

Kyle — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 04:54:00 +0000

There are times when I miss her so purely it’s as if a hole has opened up in my center, open and aching for her. There’s just so much going on lately, for both of us, we don’t get the vast stretches of time we used to spend online together throughout the day and into the evening. I could easily start a pity party for myself, but that never gets me anywhere. Instead, I’m going to try a remedy that’s worked for me before: diving into a story about us, or inspired by us. I’ll let the words take me to a sexy fun time we’ve had together, let the words will cast their spell and take me back, lighten my heart and tighten my groin, allowing me to be with her, even if it’s just in my mind, tonight. Any time spent with her is miraculous good.

And I am very much aware that in 2 weeks, exactly, I’ll be in the sky, San Francisco bound, to deliver on all the kisses and love I’ve been saving for her these long months.

let there be light

Kyle — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:59:15 +0000

For those who were wondering, we have gotten back on the grid at Chez Jones. We were off for 85 hours, got our power back at 9:15 pm, Sunday night. Yesterday, the temp came up outside and the sun came out. We are now enjoying the blessings of whole-house heat, clean laundry and the near constant hum of electric devices…

and now to get back to our busy lives, already in progress…