New York – As the final out of the 2009 world series was recorded, and the Yankees began a jubilant celebration of their historic 27^th championship, the heavens began to part and bathe all of the Bronx in a divine ethereal glow. As the pure light of creation descended upon all in attendance, time slowed as if the entire universe stopped to appreciate a dream like trance. The captain, Derek Jeter sparkling with an aura as powerful as a million suns but as soothing as a mother’s caress, unveiled the snow white robe under his uniform and levitated towards the podium with his arms outstretched. All in attendance genuflected and awaited the Messianic Word. Although His lips did not part and no words were spoken, all in attendance were bequeathed with the Word. Over the PA system the voice of Bob Sheppard boomed…

“My children…I no longer have the need to speak. Although I still have my earthly body, my voice will be transmitted through the dulcet tones of Bob Sheppard. “

Immediately, 20,000 cases of erectile dysfunction were immediately cured…

“Since I first descended upon this earthly realm, I have given many gifts freely for the betterment of humanity. I ended the cold war, invented love, used my tears to cure AIDS, and my used my sweet breath to reverse global warming.

“But now my time has come for me to move on. My work is needed elsewhere. Places where lonely children cry in the night, cute animals are threatened with extinction and hip young actresses are without dates.”

“But I do not leave you empty handed. For I am leaving you with the divine Word. A set of 10 commandments that will guide you through life for generations to come, especially through the difficult period of rotating Dominicans that will attempt to replace me at shortstop.”

And as an adjured hush fell over the 50,000 sycophants, the 733 million dollar Spongetech scoreboard revealed Lord Jeter’s lasting legacy…

1. Thou shall have no other divine shortstops except for me.
2. Thou shall treat all routine plays made as if they were the most incredible feats of athleticism ever in the history of the universe
3. Thou shall only drive Ford Edge’s
4. Thou shall refer to all bowel movements, ie…#2’s…as taking a “Jeter”
5. Thou shall immediately proceed any reference to me, in any circumstance ever, with a cutaway image of my biracial parents
6. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of semen samples taken from my anus
7. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of where Alex Rodriguez’s cock has been
8. Thou shall purchase my cologne on sale for $29.99 at Marshall’s
9. Thou shall NEVER, under any circumstances, defile the great Yankee uniform by having my name, or any yankee player’s name, stitched on the back of your worthless jersey
10. Thou shall ignore all the shortstops that were better than me but not so fortunate to play on some of the greatest teams in modern sports history. This list includes but is not limited to…Omar Vizquel, Ozzie Smith, Cal Ripken, Ernie Banks, Luis Aparicio, Pee Wee Reese, Joe Cronin, Honus Wagner, Robin Yount, etc..

And with the final commandment, a wisp of smoke swooped up the yankee great and elevated him above the gawking rabble high into the New York night to his home far beyond the known galaxy to join his other sports brethren Michael Jordan, Bobby Orr, Mohammed Ali, Michael Phelps, Joe Montana, Tiger Woods….etc, etc

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“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Like most quasi-intelligent racists…he claims to love black people and have tons of black friends. C’mon man, if you are going to be a southern hick asshole at least have the balls to admit it. This comes on the heels of our mixed race President visiting New Orleans… still don’t believe in mixing of the races Keith? New Orleans has suffered enough the last few years, its time for them to run this guy out of town. He’s been on the job 34 years, and he’s denied other interracial couples before. Now Bardwell’s going to cost the State a ton of money in a civil suit. The denied couple Beth Humphrey, 30, and 32-year-old Terence McKay, both of Hammond, say they will consult the U.S. Justice Department about filing a discrimination complaint. I’m sure the ACLU will have a field day with this.

Either way, this is 2009…smile Keith Bardwell, you are Buzz Pirates Douche of the Day.

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Personal Life: She married Italian musician Roberto Zincone on June 20, 2007, and recently announced she’s looking to adopt a baby.

Selected Filmography

• Bang Bang Club (2009)
• Couples Retreat (2009)- Ronnie
• Watchmen (2009) - Laurie Jupiter/ Silk Spectre II
• The Proposal (2009)- Gertrude
• 27 Dresses (2008) - Tess
• The Brothers Solomon (2007)- Tara
• The Heartbreak Kid (2007)- Lila/ Lila
• Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)- Liane
• The Skulls (2000) - Co-ed in Caleb s Apartment

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Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don’t sell yourself short Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.

Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi… where did you come from, a scotch ad?

Ty Webb: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny Noonan: Danny.
Ty Webb: Danny.

Spalding Smails: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You’re probably high already and you don’t even know it.

Sandy: I want you to kill every gophers on the golf course!
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key…
Sandy: Not golfers, you great fool! Gophers! The *little* *brown*, *furry* *rodents* -!
Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don’t even have to have a reason. All right, let’s do the same thing, but with gophers -!

Al Czervik: Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
[looks at Judge Smails, who's wearing the same hat]
Al Czervik: Oh, it looks good on you though.

Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

Al Czervik: You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Carl Spackler: He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away, he’s gonna hit about a 2 iron I think.

Carl Spackler: IT’S IN THE HOLE.

Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!

Carl Spackler: In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’.

Al Czervik: I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ‘em you’re Jewish, okay?

Danny Noonan: I haven’t even told my father about the scholarship I didn’t get. I’m gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What’s wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don’t spend too much time there.
Ty Webb: I’m not quite sure where they are.

Al Czervik: Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

Judge Smails: It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.

Judge Smails: Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop.
Smoke Porterhouse: Yes judge, right away judge.

Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They’re like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.

Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.

Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie D’Annunzio: A looper?
Carl Spackler: A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

Judge Smails: Spalding get your foot off the boat!

Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?

Pat Noonan: I saw that! That’s about 4 dollars in change!
Danny Noonan: I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch.
Pat Noonan: How many Cokes?
Danny Noonan: Four or five.
Pat Noonan: What are you, a diabetic?
Danny Noonan: I don’t know!

Carl Spackler: Oh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman. Yeah, you’re lean, mean, and I bet you’re not too far in between are ya. How’d you like to wrap your spikes around my…

Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. Then what’s your problem?
Danny Noonan: I don’t know.

Ty Webb: A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.

Ty Webb: Don’t be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher Basha once wrote, ‘A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.’ He was a funny guy.

Ty Webb: I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /… What do you say we take this out on the patio?

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college.
Ty Webb: You don’t have to go to college. This isn’t Russia. Is this Russia? This isn’t Russia.

Carl Spackler: I got to get into this dude’s pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who’s the gopher’s ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.

Carl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.

Ty Webb: You’re rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.

Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You’re not being the ball Danny.
Danny Noonan: It’s hard when you’re talking like that.

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don’t keep score.
Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.

Judge Smails: I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

Dr. Beeper: I thought you’d be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: I guess you’ll just have to keep beating yourself.

Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?
Ty Webb: It’s really… awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know… credit trouble.

Ty Webb: Guys, don’t include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you’re an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don’t play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.

[Judge Smails is taking an inordinately long time to hit his drive on the first tee, while Al Czervik waits in the next foursome]
Al Czervik: While we’re young.

Al Czervik: What’re we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where’s your hat?
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I’m trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I’ll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
Judge Smails: *Damn*.
Al Czervik: OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing.

Ty Webb: Thank you very little.

Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Whoa, did somebody step on a duck?

Al Czervik: He called me a baboon, he thinks I’m his wife.

Lacey Underall: I bet you’ve got a lot of nice ties.
Ty Webb: How do you mean?
Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

Lacey Underall: Who’s you decorator? Bennihana?
Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: No… Homo.

Ty Webb: Let me just clean this up here
Ty Webb: getting ready for the season.
Lacey Underall: Duck?
Ty Webb: No… dolphin.

Judge Smails: Don’t you people have homes?

Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.
Al Czervik: You demand satisfaction? Well I’ll tell you what’s satisfying: *cash*. I’ll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!
Judge Smails: Wha… I could beat you with one arm!
Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz…
Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!
Al Czervik: And I’ll take Ty, here.
Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys… I don’t play golf… for money… against people.

Judge Smails: Don’t you people have jobs?

Mrs. Smails: Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?

Judge Smails: Say, Fred, did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Colored Boy who went to heaven?
Bishop: Yeah, Judge, that’s a doozy.

Judge Smails: Do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?
Groundskeeper Sandy: Aye, Sir. I think they’re tunneling in from that construction site.
Judge Smails: Czervik, huh. Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it’ll make their head spin.

Ty Webb: You’re not, you’re not good, Al. You stink.

Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
Judge Smails: You’ll get nothing, and like it!

Carl Spackler: Bark like a dog.

Bishop: I really enjoy working with young people such as yourself down at our new Lutheran Center… Why don’t you drop by sometime, eh?
Danny Noonan: I’ve often thought of entering the Priesthood.
Bishop: Oh, are you a Roman Catholic?
Bishop: Oh, then I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you can’t come.

Mrs. Smails: Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.

Groundskeeper Sandy: Carl. Damn your eyes. I told you, today is the day we change the holes. Now, do it, and no more slacking off.
Carl Spackler: I’ll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.

Danny Noonan: I planned to go to law school after I graduated, but it looks like my folks won’t have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Lacey Underall: Nice try.

Al Czervik: Four!
[his ball hits Judge Smails in the crotch]
Al Czervik: I should have yelled, “Two!”

Judge Smails: Do you stand for *goodness*, or - for *badness*?

Ty Webb: What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you’re here?

Lacey Underall: My uncle says you’ve got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.

Danny Noonan: I can’t pay you. Lou has to.
Tony D’Annunzio: Where is he?
Danny Noonan: He’s out.
Tony D’Annunzio: I can see that he’s out, numbnuts.
[Gives Danny a dollar]
Tony D’Annunzio: Give me a coke.
Danny Noonan: One coke.
[gives Tony a bottle of Coke and 50 cents]
Tony D’Annunzio: Hey wait a minute. That’s only 50 cents.
Danny Noonan: Yeah well Lou raised the price of coke he’s been losing at the track.
Tony D’Annunzio: Well I ain’t paying no 50 cents for no coke.
Danny Noonan: Oh then you ain’t getting no coke. Know what I’m talking about?

Lou Loomis: What’s the sign say?
Angie D’Annunzio: No bare feet.
Lou Loomis: What’s that sign say?
Angie D’Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: What’s that mean?
Angie D’Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou Loomis: You owe me one gumball machine. What’s that candy wrapper doing there? Well don’t you see it? Well pick it up.

Lou Loomis: I’m going to put it right on the line. There’s been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course, bad language, smoking grass, poor caddying. If you guys want to get fired. If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.

Spalding Smails: Turds.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey’s mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
Spalding Smails: Double turds.
Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!

Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you’re playing golf.
Spalding Smails: No I’m not grandpa I’m playing tennis.
Judge Smails: You’re playing golf and you’re going to like it.
Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I’ll give you asthma.

Ty Webb: I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Lacey Underall: You’re crazy!
Ty Webb: That’s what they said about Son of Sam.

Carl Spackler: I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

Tony D’Annunzio: Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
Bishop: You never ask a navy man if he’ll have another drink, because it’s nobody’s goddamned business how much he’s had already.
Judge Smails: Wrong, you’re drinking too much your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency, fiddlesticks, my name’s Fred and I’m a man, same as you.
Judge Smails: You’re not a man, you’re a bishop, for God’s sakes.
Bishop: There is no God…

Carl Spackler: Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.

Carl Spackler: This place got a pool?
Ty Webb: Pool and a pond… Pond be good for you.

Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out… You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean… You know who that guy was Danny?
Danny Noonan: No.
Ty Webb: Take one good guess.
Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?
Ty Webb: Ha ha… No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

Spalding Smails: Doodie!

Carl Spackler: I have to laugh, because I’ve outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I’ve gotta get inside this guy’s pelt and crawl around for a few days.

Ty Webb: You’ve got to win this hole.
Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn’t important
Ty Webb: Me winning isn’t. You do.
Danny Noonan: Great grammar.

Judge Smails: Well, we’re waiting!

Al Czervik: I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!

Al Czervik: Hey, you scratched my anchor!

Ty Webb: Remember Danny - Two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left.

Al Czervik: No respect.

Carl Spackler: Freeze Gopher!

Tony D’Annunzio: [carrying Czervik's golf bag] What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kiddin’? When I was your age, I would lug fifty pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D’Annunzio: [puts down Czervik's bag, exasperated] So what?
Al Czervik: So what?
[opens compartment in golf bag, revealing radio]
Al Czervik: So let’s dance!
[turns on Journey's "Any Way You Want It," high volume]

Judge Smails: Yes. Yes. Winter rules.

Maggie O’Hooligan: I’m late.
Danny Noonan: Late for what?
Maggie O’Hooligan: For not being pregnant!

Al Czervik: Hey! Can you make a Bullshot?
Tony D’Annunzio: Can you make a shoe smell?
Al Czervik: Very funny. Why don’t you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

Ty Webb: Do you go to Harvard ?… I know this was Chuck Schick but his name was not on the list to choose from, you can change it when you post this
Danny Noonan: No, St. Copious of Northern…
Ty Webb: Where ?

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