I just spent the last week telling the world how much I loved my new Motorola Droid phone. What the hell was I thinking. I should have known better than to trust a device from Motorola. All it took was a small fall from my sofa to the floor…a mere 2 feet…and now my screen is more cracked than Whitney Houston.

It all happened in slow motion. Slowly it started falling off the sofa, inch by inch. I reached for it and felt it sliding past the tips of my fingers. It hovered in the air between the sofa cushion and the floor for what seemed like an eternity. Then it hit. I thought it was ok…for a second. Then I saw the crack. Then another. Then another. The screen of my brand new Droid started splintering like thin sheet of ice.

Come on! 2 feet? Are you kidding me? I could understand if I dropped it on hard concrete. Even then I would expect it to stand up to a fall or two. But no…my droid lasted a mere 6 days and fell victim to a gentle breeze.

Now that I think about it, there were a few other things that I didn’t like about the Droid.

• The querty keyboard is nothing more than a waste of space. Its impossible to type anything on the top row because my fingers hit the edge of the screen
• The camera sucks. But apparently that is well documented
• The battery cover always falls off
• The volume always changes unintentionally

Even Verizon Wireless admins there are tons of problems with the Droid. They are planning an over the air update to the application software on December 11th. Well they better not give me a hard time when I return my piece of shit at the Verizon store tomorrow.

If you ask me, the software was the only good part of the Droid. The user experience was awesome. The apps are awesome. The maps are awesome. Hmm….in other words, everything Google was awesome. Do you hear that Motorola? Listen up and fix your piece of shit device. And you better replace my Droid assholes.

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So get your bookie on the horn, and go heavy on these locks:

DALLAS -3 at Green Bay

Yeah, so did anyone see the Sunday night game, where Dallas beat the Eagles 20-16?  How about the game Sunday afternoon when Green Bay lost to Tampa Bay 38-28?  Tampa Bay sucks-there’s no question about it.  They have a rookie quarterback making his second start ever and a defense that gave up 170 rushing yards to the Packers.  Marion Barber, Felix Jones and Tashard Choice lead the league in combined yards per rush.  Do the math, lay the points (up to 5) and count your winnings.

DENVER -3.5 at Washington

Denver is coming off a fourteen-point Monday night loss to the Steelers and a huge loss to the Ravens.  Despite these recent setbacks, this is still a solid team with one of the best defensive backfields money can buy and a top five wide receiver in Brandon Marshall.  Denver’s weakness is run defense, but Washington RB Clinton Portis is doubtful for Sunday’s game with a concussion.  I would lay up to a touchdown on this one, Denver needs a big win here, and they’ll get it.

NEW ENGLAND +3 at Indianapolis

I’m not too excited about picking three road teams for my first week, but this game is certainly enticing.  One of the cardinal rules of sports gambling is that favorites in nationally televised games will lay more points because most people will bet the favorite and the over.  Here, we have an undefeated team with a hurting defense that nearly lost to the Texans (they didn’t cover).  The Patriots, on the other hand, have improved steadily since losing to Denver five weeks ago.  If the Patriots offensive line can keep Dwight Freeney off Tom Brady’s supermodel impregnating junk, the Pats should keep it within a field goal.  Take the points here, but don’t go less than a field goal unless Peyton Manning gets swine flu.

For what its worth, last Sunday I was 3-0 (Houston +9, Cincinnati +3, Dallas +3), and I practice what I preach.

Submitted by The Locksmith

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New York – As the final out of the 2009 world series was recorded, and the Yankees began a jubilant celebration of their historic 27^th championship, the heavens began to part and bathe all of the Bronx in a divine ethereal glow. As the pure light of creation descended upon all in attendance, time slowed as if the entire universe stopped to appreciate a dream like trance. The captain, Derek Jeter sparkling with an aura as powerful as a million suns but as soothing as a mother’s caress, unveiled the snow white robe under his uniform and levitated towards the podium with his arms outstretched. All in attendance genuflected and awaited the Messianic Word. Although His lips did not part and no words were spoken, all in attendance were bequeathed with the Word. Over the PA system the voice of Bob Sheppard boomed…

“My children…I no longer have the need to speak. Although I still have my earthly body, my voice will be transmitted through the dulcet tones of Bob Sheppard. “

Immediately, 20,000 cases of erectile dysfunction were immediately cured…

“Since I first descended upon this earthly realm, I have given many gifts freely for the betterment of humanity. I ended the cold war, invented love, used my tears to cure AIDS, and my used my sweet breath to reverse global warming.

“But now my time has come for me to move on. My work is needed elsewhere. Places where lonely children cry in the night, cute animals are threatened with extinction and hip young actresses are without dates.”

“But I do not leave you empty handed. For I am leaving you with the divine Word. A set of 10 commandments that will guide you through life for generations to come, especially through the difficult period of rotating Dominicans that will attempt to replace me at shortstop.”

And as an adjured hush fell over the 50,000 sycophants, the 733 million dollar Spongetech scoreboard revealed Lord Jeter’s lasting legacy…

1. Thou shall have no other divine shortstops except for me.
2. Thou shall treat all routine plays made as if they were the most incredible feats of athleticism ever in the history of the universe
3. Thou shall only drive Ford Edge’s
4. Thou shall refer to all bowel movements, ie…#2’s…as taking a “Jeter”
5. Thou shall immediately proceed any reference to me, in any circumstance ever, with a cutaway image of my biracial parents
6. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of semen samples taken from my anus
7. Thou shall not perform DNA testing of where Alex Rodriguez’s cock has been
8. Thou shall purchase my cologne on sale for $29.99 at Marshall’s
9. Thou shall NEVER, under any circumstances, defile the great Yankee uniform by having my name, or any yankee player’s name, stitched on the back of your worthless jersey
10. Thou shall ignore all the shortstops that were better than me but not so fortunate to play on some of the greatest teams in modern sports history. This list includes but is not limited to…Omar Vizquel, Ozzie Smith, Cal Ripken, Ernie Banks, Luis Aparicio, Pee Wee Reese, Joe Cronin, Honus Wagner, Robin Yount, etc..

And with the final commandment, a wisp of smoke swooped up the yankee great and elevated him above the gawking rabble high into the New York night to his home far beyond the known galaxy to join his other sports brethren Michael Jordan, Bobby Orr, Mohammed Ali, Michael Phelps, Joe Montana, Tiger Woods….etc, etc

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“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Like most quasi-intelligent racists…he claims to love black people and have tons of black friends. C’mon man, if you are going to be a southern hick asshole at least have the balls to admit it. This comes on the heels of our mixed race President visiting New Orleans… still don’t believe in mixing of the races Keith? New Orleans has suffered enough the last few years, its time for them to run this guy out of town. He’s been on the job 34 years, and he’s denied other interracial couples before. Now Bardwell’s going to cost the State a ton of money in a civil suit. The denied couple Beth Humphrey, 30, and 32-year-old Terence McKay, both of Hammond, say they will consult the U.S. Justice Department about filing a discrimination complaint. I’m sure the ACLU will have a field day with this.

Either way, this is 2009…smile Keith Bardwell, you are Buzz Pirates Douche of the Day.

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