Being Thad Ochocinco

Turn off the cameras and get DMX some help

2013-04-13T23:31:00.002-04:00

With all due respect to Iyanla Vanzant, she didn't know what the fuck she was doing. I'm sure she had her heart in the right place, but DMX doesn't need the "straight talk" speech and a camera crew following him around to create an atmosphere of "accountability." Calling him "Beloved" isn't gonna make him see the error of his ways. This wasn't some Maury-Povich-bootcamp-for-wayward-youths

Yes, I'm lazy, but seriously, music sucks.

2013-03-13T20:45:00.000-04:00

There's always someone out there claiming that music is still good, you just have to go out there and find it. No, music is shit. Here's why. Usually, when someone is complaining about that, they're talking about a time when they could turn on the radio or videos and not be completely repulsed by the gyrations of some tattooed 19 year old, or the repetitive house music beats that are passed

DeAndre Jordan's dunk was aiight. And that's it.

2013-03-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

The other night, DeAndre Jordan brought down a lob pass on top of Brandon Knight, and Twitter went ape shit. I didn't see it, because I was unconscious, like other old men who can no longer stay up past nine. But the next morning, I read all of the tweets from the night before, with Bomani Jones most notably holding forth about about impressive the dunk was. So, I pulled it up. I figured it

Lebron James is on steroids. MAYBE.

2013-03-04T23:13:00.001-05:00

Looks like Lebron James is on steroids. Maybe. Well, he's being linked to them. It was just a matter of time, because this NBA has escaped this drama for far too long. This "suspicion" isn't because of some great leap in physical strength in Lebron. We all know he's looked like a 40 year old man since the tenth grade. So, let's not act like we can pinpoint an increase in head size like

Like we need another reason not to watch Congressional Hearings

2013-01-23T23:13:00.000-05:00

If anybody out there watched any of the Congressional Hearings about Benghazi, well, first...that was the only thing you could think to watch? There wasn't a game show on or a rerun of SportsCenter? I watched for about twenty minutes, but I was at work, so I didn't have a choice. The only people who watched it by choice worked for CNN, because everyone else watching was either A:) a paraplegic

Why I don't believe Manti Te'o

2013-01-22T23:33:00.003-05:00

I remember when I was in college and talking to all sorts of girls online. This is was the late 90s, when chat rooms were huge and the idea of being able to talk to people anywhere in the world still blew folks' minds. Anyone out there remember the Excite Chatrooms? Anyone? God, I'm old. Somewhere during that time, I met a girl named Kelly. I won't even bother to change her name. She'll

Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot

2012-12-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, it should come to no surprise to anyone that Rob Parker is a goddamn idiot. As ESPN's premier sad sack (he reminds me of Grady from Sanford and Son), I've dreaded seeing him on TV for years and have wondered why they keep bringing him back. I'd rather have a show with two Bill Plaschkes than one with Rob Parker. He's not funny, witty, or insightful; He really just keeps talking until

Your good intentions aren't good enough

2012-04-10T23:55:00.000-04:00

If someone wishes you good tidings or happy feelings, it really shouldn't matter what words they use. If it does, then you're a goddamn asshole. This lady I had spoken with in Popeye's said to me before leaving, "Be blessed, beloved." She didn't know if I was a Christian or not (probably assumed I was, but whatever), but she took time out of her day to wish kindness upon me. I'm not a

100 Points Is Hard, Not Impossible

2012-03-05T00:21:00.001-05:00

The sports writers of America have been asking themselves a question that's dumb as hell this week: Is it possible for anyone to ever score 100 points in a basketball game again? The answer's obvious: Of course it's possible. And I know this because I understand what "impossible" means. Flying is impossible. Running a 2 minute mile is impossible. Catching a meteor is impossible. If

How to dispose of your wild animals before you kill yourself

2011-10-21T01:46:00.003-04:00

Look, if you're gonna own a bunch of wild animals, become suicidal, and decide to free all your animals before you kill yourself, presumably because you want them to taste some freedom, then you're a stupid asshole. First of all, if you were so concerned about the freedom of animals, you wouldn't have held giant jungle cats locked up in your backyard. But let's say you didn't think that part up

Finally Famous Vol. 3 Micro Review

2011-10-14T02:39:00.004-04:00

I got about eight songs in on Big Sean's Finally Famous Vol. 3 mixtape before I had to stop. This is all I heard:"I'm so clean, I'm so clean. BITCHES. I slept with your girlfriend. MONEY. I'm from Detroit, I'm from Detroit. DETROIT."I have no hope for the future.

Booing is nothing. Meeka Claxton got off easy.

2011-09-17T19:47:00.007-04:00

...and to think, if not for Twitter, I wouldn't have known anything about this. Damn you, Twitter.Anyway, Meeka Claxton, from that show Basketball Wives, where self-entitled rich cunts act like cunts for the world's entertainment, got booed when she tried to step outside of the show's cunty confines and do something worthwhile. She recently appeared at a Clark-Atlanta charity event to show

A Black Spider-Man Won't Be So Bad

2011-08-02T22:28:00.006-04:00

Here lately, Marvel and DC have been making a few efforts to diversify their lineup of characters. Batman has been hooked up with a black guy named Bat-Wing. Mr. Terrific is getting his own book (that's likely to be cancelled within months, not because he's black, but because it's a book about a guy who's really, really smart). But the most controversial addition seems to be in Marvel's

Terrorists + Explosives + MIcrosurgery = Safe Americans

2011-07-06T18:04:00.006-04:00

So terrorists are looking to surgically implant bombs inside of their bodies. At first, I was a little worried about this. I mean, we are living in the future now. Microsurgery is as common today as amateur porn is with college girls. It's everywhere. I mean, I had microsurgery three times today before the sun came up.But then, four seconds passed and I realized that this plan isn't likely

A Non-Douchey Reason Not to Watch The NFL Draft

2011-04-29T13:38:00.006-04:00

Look, I'm not gonna knock anyone for watching the NFL Draft. There's no accounting for some people's tastes. I mean, let's be honest: "Real Housewives" became a franchise, and that was nothing more than selfish, middle-aged, plastic surgery victims drinking and yelling at each other. So, it's not like anyone in this country can really knock anyone else for their viewing choices. At least

In Response to "The Chick-Fil-A Buycott." What a stupid name.

2011-04-25T20:44:00.005-04:00