confessions.of.a.girl

#5

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Thu, 03 Nov 2016 17:44:00 +0000

Do you think you are a responsible person?

Most of the time, I think I do. But today, I doubt that.

It happened this morning when I skipped ward round because I could not finish the-6-hours online modules. I woke up at 4 but still, did not managed to finish by the time I ought to go to hospital. (I'm on Surgery rotation so ward rounds starts at 7.30am, if not 7!) Even though the other student in my team, in the end didn't join the ward round, I still feel I'm not responsible; as a student. I shouldn't skip what I'm supposed to attend. I should organize my time better. I should sacrifice my sleep last night. Reflecting back, I do occasionally skip classes or tutorials before, for whatever reasons. At the back of my head, I do have excuses; I'm wrecked, I come home late, my schedule is tight lately etc etc.

Hurmm,

This kind of attitude is toxic. Soon I will be working and of course, there is no way I could come late, skip things, just because I am tired, don't feel like doing it or whatever reasons/excuses I had.

Thats why I am scared of commitments, like marriage. (my friends at my age are mostly married). I just feel like if I can't settle my own things/personal daily life, how could I do something bigger? I admit I do not have much problems doing house chores, cooking but when it comes to discipline... hurmmm..

++++

Update- 2 days later,

After a long thought, (no more disappointment on yourself, please) I finally came to a conclusion that we could not control things. We can only do our best. I mean, our very best (the best possible efforts).

Then if we couldn't achieve what we want, I guess that is our fate or takdir.

4

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sat, 08 Oct 2016 15:21:00 +0000

Hi, it's October 8th already!

1. Another a month before project presentation slides submission. I've been ignoring it for a while now since I'm focusing on my study and long cases.

2. I've decided to go back to Malaysia for housemanship. Initially I plan to apply to UK and Singapore till I realised I miss the deadline. (International medical school should apply earlier) hence, balik kahwin #meh kidding

3. Today is Saturday and I'm in hospital now. Thinking to go to labour ward after this. Please let me see you little babies.

4. What else? I don't know either.

Ok will continue reading rcog guidelines.

xoxo

3

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 14:41:00 +0000

My body feels weak and I don't have much energy. Changing eating habits is not that easy as it sound, especially when you have placements in hospital from early morning to evening, walking kilometres a day up and down, here and there, clerking patient, attending clinics and tutorials in between.

I guess I need to eat more carb. So yeay more rice. Liking brown rice so far. Go Atikah

P/s: I blog using iphone while walking home from hospital or sometimes in between my study. So expect lots of typo as I dont reread before posting.

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Tue, 06 Sep 2016 16:01:00 +0000

I think I just failed my 'healthy diet' ideation. Should start slow. Go Atikah.

#Meh

Final Med UCC

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 17:22:00 +0000

I still can't believe it. Time flies so fast. I'm in my final lap now before starting working as an intern(houseman/doctor). This is my second week since the new academic year began. I decide to blog every week (probably every Tuesday) for now. But we'll see how things going.

Besides my academic thingy, I am so determined to live healthier, especially in term of eating. It is such a huge transition for me especially when I live with my malay friends, as we took turn cooking. I withdraw myself from the duty and start preparing my own meals. I cannot say I'm succeed in this because I'm still trying. It's really challenging, I must say, especially when seeing your friends eating nasi lemak (lots o fat in the rice and the sambal uses lots of oils). FYI: Nasi lemak is my favourite food. I gotta cook them with less oils one day :D

So, what do I eat? Oats porridge every morning, brown rice/noodles only once/twice in a week, fishes as source of protein, no chicken legs, no MSG, no kicap habhal kipas udang lol (soysauce),all fresh food, leafy salads for lunch, no fried foods, only extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil used in cooking. Basically, fruits and vege are my main food.

No, I don't obsessed to be skinny. I just want to be healthier.

Hurm, a down side? it is freaking expensive. I bought my own food and I am still paying 'duit rumah' though, but it is ok I don't mind that. I'm still trying here and there saving money. Fishes are so expensive here. a small fish costs you 5 euro. (which equals to 9 chicken legs). dah boleh 10 kali makan kot zzzz. I'll be positive about that. wink!

I'm starting slowly, I cheat once in a while to eat my favourite kuih. Wish me luck guys

love,
Atikah

Post Osce

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Tue, 17 May 2016 16:02:00 +0000

The most common phrase that I heard these days is 'the sense of impending doom'. Huh. If I can describe my feeling at the moment. Thing is, I just finished my osce. It's really bad. The paper itself was hard and I really hope I got good marks from osce. I am hopeless now (except to Allah). 4th year is something you know, compared to 3rd yr. I wanted to cry😔

Hijabis of New York.

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sat, 23 Apr 2016 22:07:00 +0000

Hijabis of New York

20 hrs

"Depression doesn't mean you need to pray more. Being sad doesn't mean you need to be grateful for what you have. Here in the Muslim community, we forget that depression isn't a spiritual thing; rather, it's a physical thing.

Yes, Allah eases all our difficulties, yes, praying brings us to peace of mind, and yes, our constant faith in Allah should be our only expectation in this life. But, depression is depression and it stays present. Let someone take a moment to be sad, to be perplexed, to be lazy, to be unwilling to communicate. Stop accusing them of being crazy, irrational, and God-less. If somebody is sad, don't tell them, "maybe you need to pray more, or fast." We all have negative experiences, have our own share of hardships and struggles, so we all must regard the other with the same consideration we would want. Depression is a struggle, a big one. So just be understanding. Understand the person before you instead of disregarding them. And understanding begins with kindness, a major mark of a Muslim. Just be kind to people, and speak highly of each other. We all have a hard time doing this, but we need to be reminded. Because kindness is a beautiful thing that is rarely found.

Bring happiness to others and be happy. Smile, because, really, you have no other option. Happiness is a gift, and you'll only ever know it, if and after you've experienced sadness.

So let us experience sadness, with Allah in our hearts.

p/s: I once thought that it's a spiritual thing. I'd say it is one of the factor contributing to it. :)

of writing

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 19:54:00 +0000

Hi there. I think I am done with those dramatic ~~rubbish~~ posts. I never had any intention of spreading negativity. I guess it was just one of the way to give myself therapy and perspective on what I have been through and how I've persevered.

Still, I am thinking to continue writing. I remember the old days when I had this one special notebook, I took down observation, ideas, new concepts, thing I overheard on the bus (how I commute to school), lines of poetry, inspirational quotes, beautiful pieces of art or music I saw or heard, my craziest and most desperate thoughts at my lowest and amazingly inspired reflections of the highest- literally everything.

now my notebook was full with patient hx :P

I should write more often, even one paragraph. Not for others, but for me, to see my own development as a muslim, a medical student, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a friend and the list is never ending. It is always an invaluable to remember who I really am and what I've capable of when circumstances make me forget.

beautiful isn' it?

xoxo

We Can Do This

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 16:54:00 +0000

Anhedonia for the past 3 weeks, I think I had depression (self diagnosed teehee) Today I decide to fight this feeling, it is all about myself.

Spice up my ibadah especially solah.
Perform solah as early as possible. It might a bit tricky to do during placement but I gotta find a way!
Listen to recitation rather than music even during sleep.

Go and meet people.
Call/Skype my family as often. Whatsapp sometimes.

and re-organise your timetable with exam schedule. even it is not possible to study everything, but at least I start.

May Allah ease my journey, Ya Fattah, Ya Fattah, Ya Fattah.

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sat, 16 Apr 2016 18:59:00 +0000

I am so into scent lately.

Perfume.
Room spray
Fabric Conditioner..

all with lovely scent.

xoxo

For you

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Thu, 14 Apr 2016 06:00:00 +0000

teigan

You deserve all those sleepless nights and that second cup of coffee. You deserve to be having a hard time, to be struggling your way through every single day, because there’s no other way to make you realize how much you want your dreams to come true.

There are moments where you question yourself, ask why you didn’t just go the easier path. Sometimes you even blame other people for the hardships that you are encountering, pointing fingers, forgetting that you wouldn’t be where you are without them.

Sometimes it gets to a point where you just want to give everything up.

Our greatest fear is if our dream isn’t for us. It is hard. But you also have to realize that it is okay to complain from time to time, to cry and breakdown.

You have to remember to be human.

Although it is easier to let your emotions eat you up, always remember that you have to do it; you have to get up and finish that case to understand the law so you can defend those who need it, or to continue to study that last page of your anatomy book so you can correctly diagnose patients and save lives, or maybe, you have to stay up not only for yourself, but for everyone else so that the future will be brighter.

You have to keep in mind that you are where you are not only because of a dream or the desire to change the world, but also because of the struggle of other people to help you reach your goal.

Remember that you are struggling because you have to, that nothing good comes easy, and as cliché as it may be, remember that the fire that melts butter is the same fire that hardens steel.

Inspirational, souces: http://thoughtcatalog.com/lara-murallos/2016/04/for-all-the-students-who-are-struggling-right-now/

Med School Journey

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 11 Apr 2016 23:32:00 +0000

Hi. it's 12.15 AM now. I just had shower and dinner; haven't eat anything since yesterday except for one slice of bread and an overriped banana. A horrible day for me, I must say!

I was mistaken for an assignment's deadline, thoughts it will be a week away and I just realized it yesterday when my friend talked about it. That's it, alhamdulillah I just submitted it but it was a really messy work. Bad thing is I need it for my final submission for project in January next year. It seems I need to do a massive work to re-do it. Poor you Atikah!

Anyway, I have been feeling a bit of stressed recently. Not to the extent of depression but if I allow the feeling to succumb me, of course it would lead to depression. Remember I told that a lot of my friends failed med school and went home (AND TO PAY LIKE ALMOST HALF MILLION for breaking the scholarship contract)? A few of them suffered from depression.

It was that serious, you know!

I might share a few tips on how to avoid depression in medical school (not on basis of psychiatric management for more to personal experience; not saying I had depression before! Haha)

maybe tomorrow. I have to read journal on cerebral palsy now. Zzzz

of Exams

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 22:00:00 +0000

Exams and students, two inseparable things. I remember one of our lecturers said, when choosing medicine, you can't get tired of exams, you'll encounter exams for the rest of your life, even after you graduated medical school.

I couldn't agree more.

Hurm. It is spring now, which means more daylight and the most critical moment of the year, as always. Final year students will be having their exam next week. and I, a fourth med student will be sitting for exams in less than 3 weeks. No study week guys, we'll will finish our last placement on Friday and exam starts on Monday. Sigh.

These are for my papers:

Medicine- Cardiology, Respiratory, Gastro, Endocrine, Neuro, Renal, Oncology, Geri, Immuno, Rheu, Infectious Disease, Heaem, Palliative...

Emergency Medicine

Dermatology

Opthalmology

Anaesthetics

ENT

Vascular

Urology

Surgical Specialties ie Plastic, Neurosurgery, Breast, Cardiothoracic, Orthopedics

ObsGynae

Paeds

Psychiatry

Forensics Medicine

and 2 OSCEs

I am not prepared. T.T and still have a few assignments to be submitted.

and yes.. I haven't start collecting data for my research project.. T.T

I'm so stressed out this week and had fever, headache and cold. (I'm on Neonatalogy rotation this week and I couldn't attend any sessions, did not want to infect them with the virals; poor babies)

I haven't study anything since but sleeping. Feel a lot better now and I guess I should back on the

track. I might not able to finish everything but at least, I try. I try.

Fourth year is very challenging. We were introduced to everything in 4th year and expected to finish studying for the rotation in a given time. Final year is the year when we have exam, exam and exam. UCC curricular is way different to other universities in Ireland. We have to embrace it.

I want to pass this year. Help me O Allah. Give me strength. I want to graduate as a safe and competent doctor in May 2017, thats in a years time.

Wrinkle

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 28 Mar 2016 18:43:00 +0000

I think I have wrinkles. No, I should omit the word I think. I have wrinkles guys, at the age 22.

and I haven't get married. Oh NO!

A Master of Procrastinator

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 14:01:00 +0000

My friend asked me to watch this.

I got what you mean, dude.

Tsabat?

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 21 Mar 2016 14:56:00 +0000

When reading my seniors' (alumni UCC, currently working doctor) sharing on their working life and yet they still managed to attend usrah and programmes in between, I am like 😭*crying* can you imagine attending usrah on post call? I am inspired😊 O Allah, keep me steadfast in this deen

Bad habit

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Fri, 18 Mar 2016 10:59:00 +0000

I can be a very last minute person at times. Closest example was this morning. I was due to have a meeting with my project supervisor. I need to show my complete powerpoint slide and discuss further on the project. I was so lazy and not feeling of doing it last night, thinking the slide is just easy to do. I slept very late watching youtube and realize it once I woke up today. Late for 20 minute but alhamdulillah the slide was ok ( with some grammar error LOL)

Gosh, help!

I need help.

What is your bad habit?

New Air In The Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 18:08:00 +0000

Hi. I went to Belgium last weekend. It was like a abrupt and unplanned trip, but it was totally enjoyable one.

I have been in lot of stress recently, I mean from the start of the year till now. With the 'intense' surgery rotation that started very early in the morning to the placement outside of Cork and a couple of programmes I had to attend in between. To be honest, I am broke but I thought two to three days trip will be good. Bought the flight ticket and accommodation and thats it. I don't plan anything else (I've been to Brussels before anyway)

I stayed at a local's apartment (booked from airBnb). Affordable and felt like home! Arnaud (the host) is very kind and he has a son named Theo, a three year old boy. Theo is super duper adorable, handsome and very chatty. (I love kids so bear with my exaggeration) I'm very impressed with the way Arnaud raises and educates his son. Sleep early, read before bed, cartoon on the weekend, etc. Another 'tarbiyah aulad' that I learnt. I miss him already T.T I hope to have a son like Theo one day. Oohh, I need to get married first :P

I went to Brugge as well (never been here on my first trip to Belgium). I was having good time walking around this nice city.

All in all, I enjoyed this trip to the fullest, took my own time, no rush, ate lots of chocolates, pettisseire, and seafood. I also lepak-lepak while watching movie at the apartment with Arnaud (did a bit of study too) Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

So now, I'm going back to Eire, going back to next rotation; research block. I have literature review and project presentation coming and not to mention, I need to start working on collecting data for the research. Keep going and all the best Atikah.

Yours truly,

Atikah

Skincare

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 18:03:00 +0000

I splurge for skincare. I love buying them be it from drugstore skincare to high end brands. Do you have that kind of addiction too? I have collection of various brands and my top buying list will be lip balm and moisturisers. Why? Because I have a very 'complicated' chapped lips and also dry sensitive skin. I envied those who do not have any problem with those. It's really annoying, you know.

I'm initially not really fancy of having those 6-steps-or-8-steps or-whatever-number you wanna-put skincare routine. Yes I am that lazy. But as I'm growing up, I noticed I have lots of visible scars, blemishes, enlarged pores T.T When I go out with friends, I'm the only girl (or should I out woman) with that kind of appearance. Most of my friends take collagen drinks but I prefer to go natural.

So I start using natural oils ie argan oil, olive oil yadda yadda and those organic and natural stuff. Cleansing oil, facial foam, toner, serum, moisturiser daily while scrub and mask at least once a week. To own beautiful skin, one have to really take care and pamper it consistently, which is totally my weakness. I'm not that consistent T.T

This explains those blemishes now. Hahaha.

Start Now

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 18:38:00 +0000

My sister got hitched last night. Too bad I wasn't able to be at home. I wasn't want to lament on how sad I am to be away in this special occasion. It's okay, c'est la vie. Wink. In another notes, my life is getting busier, with med school mostly and some ' student club' thingy. May I find peace in everything I do.

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 18:34:00 +0000

"You wouldnt want to end up like this in final med. "

Another 1 year and 4 months before becoming a doctor

In the middle of studying.

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 22:05:00 +0000

One things that I hate to admit ...

And I hope I could change...

is being a hopeless romantic. Oh what? (Geli geliman really) To be honest, I still believe in fairy tales, could giggle and dreamy over 'sweet' scenes on movies. Hahaha. I want to be realistic.

2016

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Tue, 12 Jan 2016 20:15:00 +0000

Hi there my dusted blog. It's 2016! How time flies.. and I'm unofficially 24. All I could say, age is just a number, teehee. I'm 24 and still struggling in medical school. But no worries, I'm enjoying it so far, with some good and difficult time. C'est La Vie, guys :) Some of friends are now married, have children and some are pursuing Masters or PhD. I'd say different people have different life journey. We just gotta enjoys ours.

At the age of 24, I realized I spend some time before sleep thinking and idealizing of how my future looks lije. Initially I plan to work here as I am so afraid of going home. The working environment back home is really scary, the economy and working opportunity isn't that good either. I am thinking to work and pursue my post graduate study here, but things get really difficult these days. This year, Ireland has very limited intern posts. Irish applicants are more that the available posts and obviously, non-EU like us won't get any opportunity. Let see how the rezeki goes. We plan and God also plans, and God is the best planner.

That's the future. How about now?

Hurmmm.. I'm really struggling now. Medical school is very challenging. (Every course has its own challenges. I can't say any other course easy). Everything that I learnt in pre-clinical years, all the basic and fundamental knowledge are crucial in clinical years. How I wish I study harder since first year. Do pray for me please. Let me be a good and competent doctor, :)

OK thats all. I dont know what I'm writing now. See ya

Future Plans

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 10:23:00 +0000

At this stage of life....

You're thinking what career you want to choose? Where you want to settle down? Do you want to go home after graduating or migrating to another country or maybe jusy stay we you are at the moment. How would you contribute to ummah? How would you earn money? How to make a living? When you want to get married? With whom? When to do your bucket list? And the questions goes on....

Of all uncertainties, having plans namely plan A, plan B and C would be the best choice for now. Sometimes we shouldn't be bothered much about the future, but just go with the flow. Not saying we shouldn't have plans and dreams but thinking too much about it leads you nowhere.
.

So, work on with your best for now so that you can get your plan A ( biiznillah)

P/S I'm at study room in the hospital when suddenly I feel I want to write something. So here I am typing on the tiny keypad of Iphone. Haha.

With love,
Atikah

Bad Day?

noreply@blogger.com (AtikAh) — Mon, 02 Nov 2015 17:31:00 +0000

Some days are just bad days; the moments I feel so stupid and not good enough. It is the worst feeling ever. Thinking back, I know I got no choice, but just keep going. I choose this path and I know I want to do it no matter how difficult it is. So I guess, just ignore others' perception toward you and prove them you are not that bad. You can do it!