The Stir By CafeMom: Blogger Kristen Chase

A Baby Book Is More Important Than You Think, So Don't Make This Mistake

Wed, 15 May 2013 16:57:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

I've always been a firm believer that you should learn from your past mistakes, whether it's parenting, relationships, or that awful style trend you wore 15 years ago that's now back on the racks.

But there's also something to hearing advice from someone else, a person who's been there and done that and, in sharing their own self-reflection, might have a few helpful lessons that could make your life easier, better, or less embarrassing.

And that's exactly what you'll find here in my weekly column. First up: my thoughts on the dreaded, guilt-inducing, much-debatable baby book. And why you should do it differently than I did.

Back when my first daughter was born nine years ago, I bought the fancy schmancy keepsake baby book, and for the first few weeks, I filled it out, elegant pen and all.

Then I realized it was sort of lame, and time consuming, which is hilarious now that I have four kids and think to myself, "What was I so busy doing with one tiny baby?" So I bought a blank journal and just jotted down notes instead. First smiles, cute things she did ... it was brilliant!

I kept it up for the first year or so, and then started writing a blog, where I chronicled stories of her -- no pictures of her but enough that I felt like I'd have something to show her when she came to me in 20 years and asked me what she was like as a baby.

Then I had another kid. And a couple more. And while I kept up my blog and took photos every month for the first year, that brilliant journal got shoved in a bookshelf somewhere. And the sweet things my son and two subsequent daughters did ... well, they're gone now. All the funny things they said, the baby milestones they hit and when, the little tidbits of their first year and toddlerdom -- all completely evaporated into thin air.

And that just plain sucks.

If I could have a do-over, a chance to rewrite that part of their history, I'd keep the book, or at least I'd find something similar but easier to use so that I'd have all those memories. Those precious moments neatly stored away to look back on now that my children are so grown and I wonder where all the time has gone.

I mean, how long does it take to jot down a few sentences at the end of each day?

If I were to be a new mom now, I'd send an email to myself with the funny words or cute conversations we'd had, all marked with their names in the subject line and later dumped into a folder for each child that I'd created. All automatically dated and time stamped.

And I'd use something like a private blog or an app like DayOne, which I only recently discovered, that lets you take photos, jot notes, and print it all out.

Because as much as I used to think I'd remember everything about my children as babies, in reality, I don't have a lot of vivid memories at all. And I really wish I did.

Do you think it's a good idea to keep a baby book?

Image via Caitlinator/Flickr

Should I Get That Brown Aging Spot on My Face Removed?

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 10:07:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

A few months ago, I visited the dermatologist for the first time in my life for a skin check. And after that was over and a couple of questionable moles were zapped, I decided that since I was there, I'd ask about the brown spot on my face that's been bothering me for a very long time.

Oh, the joys of getting old!

Quite frankly, I didn't know if there was anything they could do about it, but as it turns out, there is. Now I'm wondering if my vanity is worth the risk.

Now before my dermatologist visit, I was pretty much resigned to living with the small brown spot on my face, a product of age and sun and apparently being Asian (it's more common among Asian women). I figured, it's all part of getting older, like wrinkles and crow's feet, and since I probably wouldn't get Botox, why would I bother with the spot on my cheek?

But when the doctor told me she could actually remove it in a very simple procedure, my ears perked up, especially since none of the lotions or creams I've tried have worked.

There's a medical technique called "cryotherapy" in which liquid nitrogen is used to burn the spot off the skin. And while it would take about a month to heal and look a little gory until then, it would eventually be completely gone.

But even though the doctor seemed pretty positive about it, and explained that it's quite effective, I'm concerned that my skin won't heal all the way and I'll be stuck with a scar or a pink spot in place of the brown -- which, hey, sort of looks like a big freckle and adds a bit of character to my face.

My skin is still very pink where I had the moles removed, so what's to say my face will be any different?

And because I do TV and online appearances fairly often, I'd be pretty much out of that line of work for a good month while the spot heals. And that's where I need your help ...

What do you think? If you were me would you take the plunge? Or should I just leave it alone?

5 Ways You Can Have Sexier Sex Just by Using Your iPhone

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 21:00:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

Since most moms, including me, use a smartphone to help keep them organized and connected, why not use it for other important things too?

Like sex.

No, I'm not talking about putting it on vibrate and sticking it in your pocket. There are actual a myriad ways you can use your phone to improve your love life.

1. Learn new positions

No need to scour the sex section at your local bookstore. Snatch up an app, like Kamasutra Sex Positions, and you'll get all sorts of interesting sex positions right at your fingertips. Just make sure your phone has a password lock!

2. Read erotic romance

Who needs to lug around the paperback copy of 50 Shades of Grey when you can pop it on the Kindle app right on your phone? You can get everything from short stories to full novels so you can read them wherever you are, whenever the mood strikes you.

3. Plug in your vibrator

The OhMiBod vibrator actually plugs into your iPod or iPhone and vibrates to the beat of your music. Just load up some sexy songs and you'll be on your way.

4. Do your kegels

We all know kegels can help you have better orgasms, but who can remember to do them? The Kegel Camp app will actually send reminders to you so you never forget to do your daily squeezes.

5. Send sexts, safely

As much as the SnapChat app is questionably for the teen set, it's a fun way for you to send sexy videos to your partner or spouse. As you may have heard, they disappear forever after 10 seconds. And if someone tries to take a screenshot, you're notified.

6. Watch a sexy movie

While you won't find truly racy movies, I use the Amazon Instant Video App all the time to watch some of my favorite "softer" sexy movies. Is it just me, or does the end of Pride and Prejudice get you every time too?

Do you use your smartphone for help in the bedroom?

Image via Babeland

5 Ways to Keep Your Babysitter From Breaking Up With You

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 19:56:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

If you have kids then you know that a good, reliable babysitter is really hard to find. Like holy grail kind of hard.

And with no family around, we depend on our babysitter!

But when you live in a neighborhood with tons of kids, it's inevitable that another parent will see your awesome sitter and want to use her (or him) too, which hey, I'm all for sharing. But I've seen sitters get stolen left and right. Talk about uncool.

So here are my tips for making sure your babysitter doesn't think about moving on.

1. Pay well. Find out the going rate for sitters in your neighborhood and pay a little more. It doesn't have to be a lot, but the extra cash will help them want to book you over another family. If you can't pay more per hour, then give them a little tip, which can make a big difference. And don't nickel and dime them: I always pay up if they don't stay for the entire hour, or if they leave a little early because I made it home before the allotted time.

2. Have good food. Make sure your pantry is stocked with good snacks or foods that you know your sitter likes. Even though my babysitter usually brings her own food, I know she likes healthy snacks, so I make sure to have them on hand so she's able to eat with the kids if she wants. But snacks they might not get at home are always a plus too.

3. Come home on time. If you say you're going to be home at a certain time, make sure you're there. You expect them to arrive in a timely fashion and you should show them the same courtesy. If I'm going to be late, I always call or text to see if it's okay. And if you do end up being late, for whatever reason, make sure you reimburse them for that time.

4. Leave activities for the kids. I always try to have a variety of crafts, activities, even movies on hand for my sitter so that they're not scrambling to try to occupy four rambunctious kids. If I can't have something ready, I'll leave a list of ideas of things that she can do with them. Often times, it's that extra effort that makes them want to stick with your family.

5. Make sure your tech works. These days, it's important to have WIFI and a working television (or movies) so that they can occupy themselves after the kids are in bed. Sure, they could bring a book, or homework, but I like to make sure that the TV and DVD player are set up, and that they have the WIFI code if they'd like to use the Internet. Just be sure you have secure settings and safety measures set up before you hand over the Internet to your tween or teen sitter.

What do you do to make sure your sitter doesn't leave you for another family?

Image via Alan Light/Flickr

6 Beauty Rituals I Quit After Having Kids but Vow to Start Doing Again

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 10:37:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

I was never a "full-face make-up every day" kind of girl before I had kids, but I certainly took better care of myself. Now that I have four children, I admit that I've ditched a lot of my beauty routine, mostly due to time.

Sleep or shaving? Yes, it's come to that, as it does for so many moms.

But when I take care of myself and my appearance, I feel better and have a more positive attitude. So here are a few simple beauty rituals I'll be reclaiming, even if I have to force myself to.

1. Wash my face

Yep, confession time. I don't wash my face every day, even if I'm wearing make-up. Don't yell at me! I have always had great skin so it's never been an issue, but I know it's bad. I might not be able to do it in the morning, but at night time, it's a must.

2. Shave my legs

It's springtime, which means shorts and skirts and exposed legs, oh my! In the winter, I tend to let the shaved leg thing go because no one is going to see them, but now, I just can't. Every time I shower means I have to shave, no question. And that means the thighs too. (I can't be the only one who does up to the knees in a time crunch, right?).

3. Wear make-up

Really, how hard is it to spend five minutes a day putting on some BB cream, mascara, blush, and lip gloss? It's not! So I'm going to make myself do it. I've found that if I have the products out and ready as part of my routine, it's so much easier.

4. Put SPF on my face

I've heard mixed reports about using a face lotion with SPF, which doesn't really matter anyway since I don't always remember to put it on. But last weekend, I stopped by the Kiehl's counter and bought this amazing moisturizer with sunscreen that's super light and gentle. So far, so good.

5. Exfoliate

I'm lucky if I get a shower every day, let alone remember to do any sort of exfoliation of my body and face. But the truth is, I feel so much better when I do. I decided to treat myself to a fancy sugar scrub (on sale at Walgreen's!) and wow, I feel so much better.

6. Wear a scent

I'm allergic to perfume, so I can't really wear it, but there are lots of light scents out there (I'm a citrus girl) that I'm perfectly fine with. I love the idea of having a signature smell -- other than sweat, and children -- and it's not that hard to spray myself before I run out the door.

What beauty rituals have you let go after having kids?

Image via agoodfella/Flickr

5 Things Dads Can Wear to Get More Sex

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 20:11:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

We moms know that it's not just about what we're wearing in the bedroom, though I'd hardly say "no" to the gift of lingerie or sexy underwear.

Hey guys! We're visually stimulated too! so if you guys want to heat things up in the sack, or you ladies want more action, here's how to do it.

1. Great shoes

It's my "Crocs vs Docs" litmus test, which basically is: which is he more likely to wear? Ask any woman and she will tell you that you can tell a lot about a guy by his shoes. And no, I'm not talking about his shoe size. A man with excellent taste in shoes shows that attention to detail is important, which also happens to be a fabulous bedroom skill.

2. Hot underwear

Now similar to women's panties, preference does matter, but trust me, your woman has a preference. JUST ASK HER. And be willing to try something new if she asks. When in doubt, grab a pair of boxer briefs and call it a night.

3. Five 'o clock shadow

I realize that a little bit of scruff isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I'd say generally speaking, the five 'o clock shadow look is pretty attractive. Something about it just screams "bad boy" which can definitely be fun in the bedroom. Note to men: when it starts to get long enough where food is getting caught, be done with it.

4. Awesome cologne

Scents can be a risky business, but if you pick wisely, you can score big. I think it's a great idea to let your spouse come with you to choose a cologne, especially if you don't have a particular preference.

5. A sexy uniform

So maybe you don't have a spouse in an industry that requires a uniform, but that's okay, because it doesn't have to be a literal uniform (though that is pretty darn hot). Like women, guys should have their go-to "uniform," essentially an outfit that makes them feel great and look amazing. Whether that's khakis and an ironed polo or ripped jeans and a tight T-shirt, it's something that makes you feel confident and will turn your spouse on.

What's something your husband wears that makes you hot?

Image via Dennis Wong/Flickr

7 Gross Things I Do Now That I'm a Mom

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:52:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

I realize that even before I had kids, I had my own set of quirks. But now that I've got four children, I seem to have gotten a little weirder.

Or as I like to call it, "innovative."

Maybe it's the hormones or the lack of sleep or just that I need to do these things in order to make it through my day without losing my mind. Here, 7 weird things that I do now that I'm a mom.

I carry my deodorant in my purse: Yes, I've found that if I put it anywhere else, even in the bathroom, I don't remember to put it on. And trust me, it's better this way. I save the sandwich crusts and eat them as my lunch: I'm not really a crust cutter, but when I do cut them off, I'll save them in a plastic bag and pack them for myself. Waste not, want not, right? I write emails on the toilet: Sometimes, when my kids are home and watching a television show, I'll lock myself in the bathroom and check my email. I'm not the only one, right? I wear the same clothes two days in a row: I figure that if I spent the time putting together an outfit and it looks good, why not get the most use out of it as I can? I share towels with my kids: If a towel is hanging in my bathroom, I use it. I mean, we're already sharing germs, so what's a shared towel? I chew gum instead of brush my teeth in the morning: This is probably one of the more embarrassing things I do now, but sometimes I just forget to brush my teeth, so I pop some gum in my mouth. I'm thinking it's better than nothing. I will drink old, cold coffee any time of day: It doesn't matter how long my coffee has been sitting out during the day, I will drink it. I realize it doesn't take that much to walk over to my microwave and heat it up, but I guess I'm just that lazy.

What weird things do you do now that you're a mom?

Taking Care of Yourself Is Essential for a Happy Marriage

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 18:03:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

For the longest time, I thought self-care was selfish. So it's no surprise that taking care of me falls way down on my priority list.

But if there's anything I've learned over the years, taking care of yourself is so important for your marriage and it's good for your kids to see too. The challenge is being able to make time for it without burdening your partner and doing it without feeling guilty. Here are my tips:

1. Make a self-care night

If you're scheduling a date night once a week or once a month (like us, if we're lucky), then I suggest turning one of them into a "you" night, where you get a sitter and go do your own thing. As important as it is for you to do things together, it's great to do things alone too, whether it's just sitting quietly by yourself at the bookstore, getting a massage, or shopping at the mall.

2. Create a barter system

Because my schedule is so challenging, I like the idea of creating a barter system for time. You basically come up with a trade for time: You get two hours on one weekend, he gets two hours on another. Sure, it could be seen as a version of score-keeping, but it's actually just a way to keep track so one person doesn't feel put out by another person's hobby or free time.

3. Redefine your expectations

Self-care means different things to different people. And while you might have a weekend away with the girls in mind, that might not be feasible given your time and budget. Sometimes it's just 30 minutes of quiet reading and a cup of coffee that will allow you to re-center yourself. Other times, it's a pedicure or a nap. I encourage you to examine how you're defining self-care and adjust that expectation to what you can actually accomplish.

4. Adapt your schedule

If you don't have any extra time to spare in your schedule and you don't have money for a sitter (trust me, I have been there), then I suggest you take a hard look at your schedule to see what you can adapt or change to allow for taking care of yourself. Can you go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to give yourself a hour (or 30 minutes) of quiet before the day starts? Take a peek at how you're spending your time and adjust your schedule accordingly.

How do you take care of yourself and do you find it has a good effect on your marriage?

Image via dipfan/Flickr

Going to Therapy Alone Can Help Your Marriage as Much as Couples Counseling

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 09:21:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

In addition to marriage counseling, I've started getting therapy for myself too. I've been in and out over the years, mostly when I've needed the extra support to deal with difficult family issues.

But every time I go back, I wonder why I ever stopped because I find the sounding board and guidance of a neutral party to be so helpful in every aspect of my life, whether it's parenting, my relationship, or my own personal goals and needs.

If you're wondering why you might need to go to individual therapy to help your marriage, here's why I decided to take the plunge alone.

1. Neutrality

As much as it feels great to be able to talk to a friend or confidante about your issues, they will probably always have some level of bias towards you. And if they don't, it could hurt your friendship. Having a therapist who has no actual investment in your situation can help take the burden off your friendships and your marriage partner, especially if you have other stresses and issues outside of your relationship.

2. Reassurance

Since I don't have a lot of friends nearby and my familial relationships are a little strained, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to hear positive things from someone on a weekly basis. Just hearing, "Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate" can help immensely. I don't just go to hear that I'm right, because that's not always the case, but having someone give you a bit of reassurance can make a huge difference.

3. Reality Check

It's easy to get caught up in the stress, the crap, and yes, the dysfunction of your own life, and it's incredibly helpful to have someone to call you on it, whether it's something you're doing that you need to stop, or something that you're putting up with that you need to make a choice about. And while therapists aren't known for calling you out on your bullshit, they have a pretty amazing way of getting you to that place, which can be a big breakthrough.

Now even though most insurances cover some level of mental health care, and pretty much everyone I know goes to a therapist (even celebrities!), counseling still gets a pretty bad rap because people still often seem to think that you have to be very troubled to need someone else's help.

On the contrary, going to see a therapist on a regular basis, whether it's for a major issue or just due to "stress," which is usually what brings me, is one of the smartest things you can do for yourself and your relationship.

Do you see a therapist, and if so, why do you go?

Image via TheDailyEnglishShow/Flickr

What to Do When You're the 'Emotional One' in Your Marriage

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 18:09:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

In my marriage, I'm what you might call "the emotional one," or "over-emotional" depending on who you talk to. And I'm totally okay with that, especially since my husband is the complete opposite.

But what I'm learning is that every quality we have can help and hurt a relationship. The challenge is how you find balance in something you love about yourself so that it actually helps and not hurts your marriage.

So as the emotional one, I'm the one who celebrates, who whoops it up for big and small things, which I think is wonderful to have in a family. And I'm all for honoring feelings and the ability to express them in a safe way.

But being super expressive has its downsides, many of which I wish I could change and a few that have caused issues in my relationship, especially now that I'm "super expressive with a side of hormones." I'm pretty sure having four kids has added a whole new layer to how I express and deal with my emotions.

For example, once I get spun up or upset about something, especially when I'm PMSing (what's up with that?), I can get escalated pretty quickly into a tizzy of loud talking (sometimes yelling) and tears.

It's sort of like someone blew up the Hoover Dam.

I do my best to rebuild things as quickly as possible, or separate myself from the situation so that I can breathe and think, but hey, I'm human, and unfortunately I'm not always able to keep it together.

I can also be really sensitive and often take things too personally. Instead of just rationally saying something about whatever was said or done or communicating my feelings appropriately, it becomes a BFD, when really it's not even a deal at all.

I'm pretty sure the first step to dealing with anything is identifying that you have a problem, which in this case is two-sided: I want to be emotionally available, but I don't want to let that interfere with my relationship with my husband.

But the next step is creating coping skills and cues to help keep myself in check as best I can. I'll share those with you next week.

How do you deal with being overly sensitive in your relationship?

Image via Yayra Hernandez/Flickr

5 Ways Busy Couples With Kids Can Fit In Sex

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 20:10:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

As a sex book author, it's not surprising that I get a lot of sex questions from people. Why yes, it's as awkward as it sounds.

But I also happen to be a mom of four kids with a husband who travels a lot, so many of the questions I get have to do with trying to fit sex in. I suppose if I can do it, then I must have the answer for them, even if they only have one or two kids.

So if you're wishing for more sex in your relationship or you've got a partner bugging you for more, here are my five tips for fitting sex in.

1. Change the time of day

So many people, including me, are tied to sex late in the evening when the kids are in bed and your day is over. The only problem is that often times that's when you save up all the chores and to-do list items because you don't have kids interfering. I suggest not waiting until after your chores and do it first, or do it first thing in the morning before the kids get up.

2. Add some variety into your sex acts

If you want full-on intercourse every single time you've got a moment alone together, you're probably not going to get it on as much as if you add a little variety. A little oral sex here, a little hand job there. The main event might not happen as frequently but at least it's not a sexual drought in between occurrences.

3. Embrace the quickie

I'm actually not a huge fan of the quickie, but like many people with kids, I've become one because often times it's really the only way sex will happen. If you need a little motivation, get yourself warmed up first, whether it's manually or visually, with a little sexy television viewing.

4. Schedule it

Scheduling sex gets a bum rap, but when you're juggling four kids plus work plus a house plus... you get the idea, sometimes it just has to be that way. You can still be playful about it by adding it to your husband's calendar on a certain night that you know he's going to be home. Or just text him first thing in the morning to prepare him for later on.

5. Make it worth fitting in

It's not rocket science, folks. If sex is really fun, you will make time for it, even if your schedule is insanely busy. Even if you have lots of kids like me running around. This might mean you need to change the way you're having sex. Add some toys. Do a little roleplay. Get kinky! But if you're having a great time then chances are you'll want to keep having it. Over and over again.

How do you and your spouse/partner fit sex in?

Image via mikebaird/flickr

Stop Taking Things So Personally in Your Marriage

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 10:48:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

I've always been a pretty sensitive person which can be challenging in a relationship. Add in four kids and all the hormones that come with them and well, I can find myself in a tizzy over something that shouldn't even bothering blinking my eyes at.

Now, I'm the first to admit that it's still hard for me to let things roll off my shoulders, but I'm getting a lot better. And while these suggestions aren't excuses for someone who really is saying crappy things to you and is mean-intentioned, they may help you pick your battles and hopefully improve your relationship.

1. What's the intention? I've learned over the years that many spouses shoot their mouths off because they're stressed or tired or a combination of both, and don't necessarily intend to hurt the other person. When you understand the place from where they're coming, it can certainly make it easier to pop on those invisible earmuffs and go on your merry way.

2. Who's it really about? I've found that so many of words that are exchanged between spouses and partners have little to do with the other person and a lot to do with their own issues, experiences, and feelings. Basically, it's not you, it's them. And while you might be contributing to the problem, when you think about what they're saying in that way, it can help you let it roll off.

3. When are they saying it? I have a rule that I do not take anything said to me in the heat of an argument personally, especially considering that I can find it challenging to use my words appropriately when I'm fighting. So I try to offer the other person that same courtesy. And sometimes when I have my period, I feel like I shoud hand out a "please excuse my mouth" card because, well, hormones are a bitch.

4. Is it worth getting upset over? The big litmus test for me is whether what was said or done is worth my time or energy. I've got very little to spare as it is, so I want to spend it on positive things. I cannot tell you how many times I just keep my mouth shut and walk away, and how much better things are even after just a few minutes.

Now what? So if you feel as though the comments came from mean intentions or they are worth getting your feelings hurt, then there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something. But it's best to start with your own feelings, like "I felt [hurt, made, upset] when you said that to me." Be frank, be firm, and come at it from a place of offering insight rather than being accusatory.

And if they don't get the message or they're not honoring your feelings, then you might want to consider getting a third party involved to help.

How do you take things less personally in your relationship?

Image via Ally Owens Photography/Flickr

The Addiction That Could Be Hurting Your Marriage Without You Even Knowing It

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 17:32:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

Lately, I've seen a bunch of interesting articles about technology addiction, which is something that fascinates me not only because I publish a technology website for parents, but also because I think it can negatively affect your relationship with your kids and your spouse.

Not being able to put your darn phone away is one thing. But this New York Times article focuses on a study that found the overuse of technology can affect our ability to connect with others.

All the more reason to think long and hard about your technology habits, especially when it comes to your marriage.

A few months ago, I found myself a little too attached to my iPhone, not to mention my laptop, which to be fair I need for work, but also for entertainment. So I instituted some rules to help me keep my usage in check:

1. Schedule unplugged nights: We've declared a couple of nights a week to be "unplugged," when we turn off the computers, the phones, even the television and just hang out without any technological interruptions. I'm pretty sure it's changed our communication and interaction for the better. Plus, it really forces us to spend time together, which can be a challenge when you've got things buzzing and beeping at you.

2. Delete social media apps from your phone: While I run the social media for my business, I do all that work on my computer and found myself just scrolling and checking everyone else's business on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram instead of worrying about my own. While I did leave Twitter on my phone for work reasons, I got rid of Facebook and Instagram, which really freed up my need to have my phone in my hand and allowed me to reconnect with life.

3. Turn phones off after work until bedtime: I admit that I'm still working on this one, but I've got several friends who completely shut off their phones after work and don't turn them on until their kids are in bed. If you absolutely cannot turn them off, then only check at a specific time, and most certainly not at the dinner table or while you're doing bedtime with the kids. It's amazing how the lack of distractions can help you tune in better, not just to your spouse but to your children too.

4. Tweak your notifications: Just recently, I updated all my apps on my iPhone and suddenly I was getting notifications for every single tweet and direct message. And what is up with Facebook dinging? Gah! So I decided to turn down the sound and turn off my notifications so that my attention is not being interrupted by the constant barrage of pings and dings. This can really have an impact on your attention and focus.

5. Enjoy it now, share it later: As much as I love the advances in technology, the downfall is that they've made it easy to share everything you're doing at the exact time you're doing it, which makes it a lot harder to really enjoy your experience. So aside from getting an old school camera (remember those?) rather than using my smartphone for all my photos, I'm also reminding myself that all the experiences -- with my kids, with my husband -- can just as easily be shared AFTER they happen and not during.

How has technology affected your relationship?

Image via hyku/Flickr

Relationship Envy Can Hurt Your Marriage

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 17:37:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

When it comes to marriage and relationships, it's easy to compare your own to someone else's. And it's not just seeing a couple you know holding hands or making out in public.

It's the sweet birthday Facebook updates. The anniversary tweets. The now myriad ways people can publicly express their love to their partners and spouses so that everyone else can see and hear how much in love they still are.

Or, at least, want us to think they are.

When we compare our relationship with another person's, it's really like comparing apples and oranges.

Because as much as we'd like to think that we're getting the full picture of their relationship, we're really only seeing small snippets of behaviors and interactions that could have all sorts of meanings.

I still remember a couple I saw a few years ago at a family gathering. He was supportive of his wife's endeavors, gushing over her at dinner and making all of the women at the table jealous.

Next thing you know, they're getting divorced.

And don't even get me started on all the public proclamations of love and happiness on blogs everywhere and then, boom! Divorced.

The truth is that you have absolutely no idea what's really going on behind closed doors. Maybe that's why Ben Affleck's Oscar speech was so refreshing; it was a little insight into what's beyond all the photos and images we see, especially when it comes to celebrity relationships, which tend to get idolized the most.

After many years of watching couples and sharing my own marriage stories on my blog Motherhood Uncensored, I've learned that what we're seeing -- at parties, dinners, on Facebook, and on TV -- are just snapshots of what people want to share.

Hey, I get it. No one wants to be caught fighting in public or sitting in complete silence over dinner. It can be completely embarrassing and socially unacceptable.

And to be clear, this doesn't mean that couples who are publicly affectionate aren't being authentic. And that their interactions aren't the same in the privacy of their home.

But we shouldn't put them up on a pedestal, either. And we certainly shouldn't compare our own relationship with theirs because we're setting ourselves up for failure.

All the envy that we might have when it comes to someone else's amazing marriage? Let's channel it as energy into our own relationships.

Do you have relationship envy?

Image via TheBusyBrain/Flickr

5 Stupid Things People Say to Moms of Girls

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 12:04:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

As a mom of four kids, I've had some pretty stupid things said to me over the years. But none have been as bad as the things people say to me (and my husband) about parenting three girls.

But hey, thank goodness I at least have one boy to balance things out.

(Seriously, someone said that.)

If you're raising girls yourself, then I'm guessing you've heard at least some or all of these things too.

Well, so much for your namesake! Last time I checked, I kept my own name, and although I didn't pass it along to my kids, it's 2013 and not 1957. There are plenty of women who are keeping their last names and giving them to their kids. And even crazier, there are men who are hyphenating and/or changing their own names.

More from The Stir: If I Die: Life Lessons for My Daughters

How do you survive with all the estrogen in your house? I cannot tell you how many times my husband hears this and how many times he has to tell people how wonderful it is to have so many women in the house. Even better is when people push him to talk about "that time of the month," which generally makes his blood boil. I like to ask them about their bowel regularity (which to me is an equally inappropriate topic), which generally shuts people up.

Good luck when they're teenagers! So let's be clear here: Teenagers in general are hard, not just girls. In fact, I'm pretty sure it'll be crazy in my house because I'll have four teenagers, not because three of them are girls. But hey, you're welcome to come over and document that first hand considering how much you know about child development.

Hope you're saving up for all those weddings! I realize that, traditionally speaking, the bride's parents pay for the wedding; however, that's not something that happened to me and it won't be happening for my kids either. We're happy to support them in their choices, whether it's marriage or a partnership or whatever else they decide, but I won't be plunking down thousands of dollars for their weddings. And PS. Is it really your business?

It must be so quiet and peaceful in your house! I still can't quite understand why people think girls are so docile. Sure, maybe a gaggle of boys might be more active in their play, but trust me when I say that girls are not peaceful or quiet. And if they are, like most other kids, they are probably doing something they're not supposed to. Thanks for furthering gender stereotypes!

Parents of girls: What annoying things have people said to you?

Image via Boynton Art Studio/Flickr

5 Ways Marriage Counseling Is Good for Your Sex Life

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 20:09:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

It's no secret that my husband and I are in marriage counseling. I'm happy to write about it freely and openly because I don't think it's anything to hide and I think it can really help others struggling out there.

Since we started going, I got all the warnings about what would happen, which was everything from "It'll get worse before it gets better" to "Good luck trying to get him to go back."

Uh, thanks?

But I have to be honest, it's actually be really great. In fact, of all the things it's done, I'd say one of the best is that it's helped our sex life. So if you're looking to infuse a little spice back into your marriage, maybe couples therapy is the way to go. Here's why:

1. You're reminded of why you fell in love in the first place. Our therapist made us go through the reasons why we were attracted to each other, and along with feeling a little nostalgic, I actually got turned on too.

2. You're forced to spend time together. Okay, so you're spending time together with a marriage counselor, but it's 45-50 minutes focused solely on you. And chances are, your homework is going to be spending MORE time together. All that togetherness can be a really good way to get the fires burning.

3. You're showing that you care. I'm always heartened when couples tell me that they're seeking counseling because I think it shows you're still invested in your relationship and each other. The act of trying, even if you're just going to sessions, can be pretty sexy.

4. You have empathy. I've gained a lot of empathy thanks to couples counseling, which has really helped me see things from my husband's point of view. It's amazing how easy it is to turn compassion into actual passion.

5. You've got nothing to lose. If couples therapy is a last resort,
which is exactly what it was for us, there's a bit of a sense of urgency, which can make disinterested people suddenly interested. VERY interested. Nothing like giving it the old college try... in the bedroom.

Have you tried marriage counseling? And did it help your sex life?

Image via Dee Speed/Flickr

7 Ways to Feel Sexier That Have Nothing to Do With Sex

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 20:23:47 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

As a sex book author, moms often ask me how they can feel sexier, which they somehow think means lube and sex toys and weird bedroom contraptions.

On the contrary, feeling sexier has little to do with the act of sex and more about taking time to care for yourself physically and emotionally. Here are 7 easy ways to make that happen that you might not have thought about.

1. Get a wax: No, not necessarily a Brazilian wax, or even your lover's initials shaved into your pubic hair. Just a little attention to your nethers, whether it's by you or a paid professional, can make you feel great.

2. Exercise: As much as I dread going for a run or doing a workout DVD, I can pretty much say that I feel so much better after I do it 100% of the time. Gotta love those endorphins.

3. Go for a bra fitting: While this might cost you a bit of money, it's so worth getting a professional bra fitting. It can make you look thinner (if that's something you're interested in) and can make your girls look perkier.

4. Have a blow-out: I always feel great when I leave the hair salon, so why not get that feeling more often. It doesn't cost that much to go in and get your hair washed and blown-out. A small price to pay for looking great, even if it's just for a couple of days.

5. Buy new shoes: Now I'm not talking about a new pair of Crocs or running shoes, but you don't have to go splurge on crazy stilettos you'll never wear either. Sometimes just a nice, new pair of stylish shoes can change your whole outlook.

6. Put on some make-up: There's just something about a little bit of blush, a lot of mascara, and a bright lip that makes me feel put together, like I can tackle anything. And to me, power is sexy.

7. Accessorize: Throw on a pretty scarf, pop in some earrings, or pull out that fabulous necklace you've been saving for a special occasion. I always feel fantastic when I've got a little bling on, and I won't lie: the compliments I get don't hurt.

What sexy things do you do for yourself that have nothing to do with sex?

Image via David Sedlmayer/Flickr

Ben Affleck Was Right: Marriage IS Work

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 17:28:00 EDT

Post by Kristen Chase

Ever since the Oscars ran a few weeks ago, I've heard nothing but criticism for Ben Affleck's now infamous comment about his marriage during his speech.

"It's good. It is work, but it's the best kind of work. And there's no one I'd rather work with."

Seriously? We're getting upset with that? And we wonder why there are so many marital problems in this country.

I've been quite open and honest about the hard work happening in my own marriage every week in my "Staying Married With Kids" column and have gotten my fair share of criticism. And I'll be honest: I don't really get it.

We grow up with this "happily ever after" nonsense drilled into our heads thanks to fairy tales and societal norms that tell us that we must grow up, and get a job, and get married. And if we don't, we're a failure.

So many of us do that. We do exactly what we're supposed to do. But no one prepares us for how hard marriage can be. And how extra hard marriage with kids can be.

If you're sitting here reading this thinking, "I have no clue what she's talking about," then consider yourself lucky. Or completely ignorant.

Because I think most people, or at least most married people with kids, would say exactly what Ben Affleck said to Jennifer Garner.

And quite frankly, I wish more people WOULD HAVE said that, and would say that now. For some reason, we feel obligated to make it seem like everything is okay from the outside. That it's all cupcakes and roses, which, hey, if it is, more power to you, but if it's not, 'fess up. Be honest. For yourself and for your kids.

I believe wholeheartedly that we need to be honest with our children when it comes to relationships, so that when they grow up and get married and have a hard time (like most of us), they understand that it's normal. And they are not failures if they need counseling or it doesn't work out.

And, better, that they know what to look for in a mate and they understand what they're getting into when they do find someone.

So, Ben Affleck, don't listen to all the haters, the people who would have you think that your speech was somehow inappropriate.

There are many of us who appreciate your candor and your honesty. And agree with you 110 percent.

Do you think marriage is hard work?

Image via Getty Images/Kevin Winter

Every Couple Needs a 'Marriage Plan' to Make Their Relationship Last

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 17:56:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

After last week's test of my marriage, I decided that both my husband and I needed to ramp up our efforts. Or lack thereof. There had to be something beyond the talking and the marriage counseling.

We needed to create a marriage plan -- an action plan. Immediately.

Sure, it sounds completely unromantic, but it's way better than the fighting, the lack of communication, and whatever else might be bogging down a relationship. Here's how ours works:

Creating a marriage action plan is as simple as it sounds, but for us, it was a way to hold each other accountable for our wants and needs in the relationship.

And it's not just that desperate times call for desperate measures. Even if your marriage is perfectly fabulous now, having an action plan, or a set of goals for yourself and each other, can really help keep the love alive.

But it's also because for my husband and me, having something written down that we could both refer to just makes it more real and, somehow, more important. If we're going to make things work, we have to treat our relationship as a priority.

So first, we created goals for ourselves as a couple, which included finding a new, more flexible therapist. Unfortunately, while we both like our current marriage counselor, her limited office hours were difficult for us to work around given my husband's unpredictable schedule.

We also decided that we need to have one date night a month. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. We'd rotate on planning and coordinating it, but it had to happen.

And we also realized that we needed to have at least one night a week where we were completely unplugged and just hanging out at the house together.

Then separately, we wrote down a list of the things we want and need from the other, which ranged from big issues like talking first before making large decisions for the family (yes, I know it seems obvious, but not for everyone) to smaller issues like "a kiss goodnight every night."

Whatever happens to be in your action plan, the point is that by writing it out or typing it up, and then signing it, you're agreeing to try. Both of you, together.

And if one person doesn't stick to it, or fails to live up to expectations, you've got a piece of paper, not just some reference to a heated conversation you had a few weeks ago (and who can remember that with four kids and little sleep?).

And if you do stick with it, then you've got the pleasure of crossing items off your action plan, and making new goals for a relationship that you thought might not make it.

Do you have a marriage action plan of sorts?

Image via Beneath_B1ue_Skies/Flickr

7 Things I Hate About Pinterest

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 12:19:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

Oh Pinterest! I'm addicted to you and all your pretty pictures. Your recipes, your crafts, your hot Ryan Gosling photos.

But lately, you've been really annoying me and I'm falling out of love at a rapid pace.

And yes, I realize that it's not really your fault but rather all the Pinterest users who feel the need to pin ridiculous crap.

So if you're on Pinterest like me, listen up, and stop ticking off your followers.

1. Weird Nail Art

Oh my goodness, enough with the nail art already. Sure, the polish colors are pretty. And inspiring. But the panda bears? The piano keys? I just can't take the silliness anymore.

2. Dumb Crafts

I love to do crafts with my kids as much as the next mom, but when you're gluing noodles on a paper plate and calling it "art," that's just lame. Do something that we couldn't all figure out with our eyes closed.

3. Dead Links

Ever click on a photo with cool organizational ideas or the best pot roast recipe and it goes to nowhere? A photo url. A dead link. The main blog page where you have to search for hours to find what you're looking for. Just stop it. Click before you pin!

4. Trash Diving

Did you really need to save that plastic tape dispenser and turn it into something else? Do we really need to find yet another use for a mason jar? Sometimes trash is just trash and it doesn't need to be turned into a useless thing that just takes up more room in your house. And even if you want to do it, don't share it with the rest of us on Pinterest!

5. Members-Only Sites

People figured out they could make money by linking their members-only sites where people have to join and they make a commission, but that means when you click on an item, you have to join the club in order to see it. That's an immediate unfollow for me.

6. Stupid Quotes

Just because someone said something once doesn't make it quotable. And it certainly doesn't make it worth turning into a poster and spreading around Pinterest. ENOUGH!

7. False Advertising

I'm so tired of clicking on what looks to be a cool Pinterest pin with lots of information, only to find out that it's an ad for something else. Or it has absolutely nothing to do with the image that was pinned.

What drives you nuts about Pinterest?

Image via Pinsanity Pinterest Board

5 Weird Things That Turn My Husband On

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 23:00:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

Maybe it's because we've been married for eight years, or because my husband is a little odd, but I think his turn-ons are pretty ... different.

Now considering I get hot watching him do the dishes and fold the laundry, I can see where the regular old sexy underpants foreplay might not do it for him anymore.

So hey, if you're having trouble getting your husband in the mood, maybe these five off-the-wall ideas will work for you.

1. Taking a shower

Now before you get all, "Well duh, you're naked!" let me just tell you that it's not that he's in the bathroom when I'm taking the shower. It's after the fact when he smells my hair and realizes that I'm clean that he starts to get turned on.

2. Leaving scissors in the shower

So the other day, one of my kids must have brought scissors into the shower (don't ask) and he came up to me and was like, "I saw you left scissors in the shower" -- which apparently means nether-region grooming to him. You should have seen his face when I told him that it wasn't me.

More from The Stir: 5 Things Wives Do to Turn Off Their Husbands

3. Cleaning anything

My husband is a bit of a neat freak, so the act of cleaning anything, particularly vacuuming carpets or clearing out the car, is like turning on the sex light for him. But since I'm fairly neat myself, I've found that it's usually chores I don't often do that get the most attention. Mowing the lawn would probably incite a riot.

4. Shaving my legs

I suppose this is a bit like the scissors in the shower, but if my legs are shaved, that's somehow interpreted as I want to get it on. This might seem a little more obvious in the winter where my legs don't need to see the light of day and therefore don't need to be shaved. But in the summer, he's often disappointed because, well, I'm wearing shorts and skirts so shaving is a daily routine for me.

5. Watching reality TV

To be clear, my husband doesn't watch reality shows, but I do. Or I used to, anyway. So apparently he thought that because it was so bad, I could be easily swayed into having sex with him. The funny thing: He was actually right. Too bad it doesn't work on him. Damn Border Wars.

What weird things turn your partner/spouse on?

Image via Spring Dew/Flickr

Marriages Don't End Over Just 'One' Thing Even When It Seems Like It

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 13:12:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

As you might be able to read from my past "Staying Married With Kids" columns, I'm really trying quite hard to fix my past wrongs and work on moving forward in my marriage, not just for the sake of my kids' happiness, but my own as well.

But I have to be honest and say that my husband isn't pulling his weight, which wouldn't be such a huge issue if he was apologetic or even warm toward me.

That's not the case, however, and so I'm sitting here wondering how long you keep trying before you give up hope.

Let me be clear: Neither one of us is perfect and we've made our fair share of mistakes. But I'm really doing what I can to make things work, which for me means no crazy fights in front of the kids, talking about what's bothering me without attacking him, and doing my best to be thankful for everything he does.

I'm not going to lie. It's exhausting to have to think about this all the time, especially when you don't feel like you're really getting very much in return.

But I'm really dedicated to making positive change. Or, at least I was.

And while there's no real major fights and we both sort of just do our thing and everything is copacetic, it's not necessarily better or happier. It's just not what it was before.

And then just last night, he did something that showed he really hasn't changed his ways. Nothing that might be seen as a deal breaker for most people, but in our relationship it absolutely is, because it's something that he keeps doing over and over again, something I've told him he just can't do because it dramatically affects my already stressful daily existence as a sometimes solo full-time working parent of four kids.

The worst part is that instead of understanding why it's a problem, he has no idea why it would be such a problem. So I end up looking like a lunatic or, in this case, a really mean parent, for putting my foot down.

Well trust me. I've let a lot of stuff slide. I've compromised more than I wish I had. But at what point do you get to say, "If this happens, I'm done"?

I'm coming to learn that the straw that breaks the camel's back isn't necessarily the biggest or the worst. It's the one that keeps coming back time and after time with no realization of its potential damage.

What are the deal breakers in your relationship?

Image via xikita/Flickr

How to Help Your Marriage: Don't Be a Jerk

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 15:54:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

Every time I go away, my husband decides it's the perfect time to do major home improvement projects, which makes so much sense since he's alone with four children.

I know I should be grateful because it's awesome to have someone who is so ambitious, but the problem is that the projects never actually get done. The ceiling in the girls' room is still unpainted. Our shower was unusable for a week. And what exactly are the kids doing while he's putting in our closet? Honestly, it becomes more of a hassle than a help.

But since my goal for 2013 is to work on my marriage, I've been trying to change my attitude. And maybe, just maybe, it's working.

While I was in New York City throwing a party, my husband decided to redo our kids' bathroom, and like times before, when I returned, it was still incomplete. No light, no sink, and no working shower.

And like times before, I moaned and groaned, and gave him a pretty hard time about starting something and not finishing it. He apologized and told me that he wanted to surprise me and "Hey, see the cool new hooks on the wall and the nice paint!" to which I looked, then sighed as I always do.

Basically, I was a complete jerk.

After thinking about how I had spoken to him, I realized a few important things:

1. His intention was not to annoy me, but surprise me and make me happy. He was trying to do something awesome.

2. The bathroom wasn't really in use in the first place, except for the sink, and considering we have two other bathrooms, it was a minor inconvenience for the kids to move for a couple of days until he finished.

3. I would probably have never done the bathroom myself, so it was either have him do it and get it half done for now, or me never do it all.

Then I felt really bad for being a jerk.

Now look, there are a few things he could have done as well, like get some help to finish the project, or find a sitter so he could get more done. As incredible as the intention of this is, I think it's important to be realistic and understand the time involved.

But still, I decided that the good outweighed the inconvenient in this case, and told him so with a card. Nothing fancy, just a word of thanks to acknowledge his effort.

Apparently even though the sink and the light weren't working in the bathroom, the mirror was. Glad I stopped to take a look.

What stuff does your partner do that usually annoys you but really might actually be awesome?

Image via katerha/Flickr

6 Things Not to Say to a Mom With 'Lots' of Kids

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 21:02:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

I wish I could say I was surprised at the stupid things people say to parents, but I'm not. Since having my first child almost 9 years ago, I've learned that parenting is something that everyone, even people who don't have kids, have an opinion about.

Whatever happened to "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all"?

The comments I thought were bad when I had one kid are about 400 times worse now that I have four kids. But today, instead of smiling and laughing like I usually do since I usually have my kids with me when I hear this crap, I'm going to share the craziest things people have said to me and what I'd love to tell them. Or where to shove it.

You do know where babies come from, right? You know, it's funny you mention that because I was just asking myself the other day "Where do babies come from?" and then my vagina piped up and reminded me of the combined 30 hours of labor and all those stitches. Wow, you really have your hands full! Are you kidding? This is a spa vacation. See, I actually have about 20 more children at home but I keep them all locked in a closet and rotate out the good ones. You must have a lot of sex. Well, don't tell anyone, but I actually bought these kids on the black market. But yes, I have sex. A lot. Probably a lot more than you do, especially if you say stupid crap like that all the time. You are my hero. Oh gosh, thank you. My vagina is blushing. I'm so glad I stopped at two kids. If you think it's okay to say something like that in public to a mom, in front of her children, I'm really glad you stopped too. You must like torture. Wait a second. This is so bizarre. Have you been looking into my bedroom?

5 Things Never to Say to an Adoptive Parent

8 Things Never to Say to Moms of Multiples

5 Things Never to Say to Lesbian Moms

20 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

5 Things Not to Say to Divorced Moms

Moms of 3 or more kids, what comments drive you crazy?

Image via Kristen Chase

5 Annoying Things Parents of School-Aged Kids Do

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:19:00 EST

Post by Kristen Chase

When my kids were little, they were with me most of the time, so for the most part, I didn't have to deal with the choices of other parents. Hey, I'm not perfect, but I would like to think I'm pretty considerate of others. Well, most of the time, anyway.

But now that they're all in school, it's like a constant barrage of inconsiderate behavior. Oh the annoying things parents do!

If you've got school-aged kids like me, then my guess is that you've had to deal with this as well. And while I do my best to grin and bear it, I'd really love to give these parents a piece of my mind.

Send sick kids to school. Yes, I know parents work (I do!), and I know that it's hard to figure out care for them if you can't take off, but seriously, if your kid has a fever or uh, HEAD LICE, you're putting other kids at risk. Keep them home! Don't follow the classroom rules. When a memo is sent that no candy is allowed for school celebrations, like Valentine's Day for example, please follow that rule. Why not feed your own kid all the Fun Dip that you sent in? Or better, I'll send my kids to your house after they've eaten it all. Let them wear costumes. Do you realize how hard I have to try to get my kids to not wear ridiculous things to school? It's a daily battle. So when you let your kid wear a Spiderman outfit to class, I get to hear all about it for weeks and weeks. Let little girls wear high heels. Call me a "fuddy-duddy" but shoes with more than an inch heel on girls that are under 10 seems to be a poor decision, not just because really? do little girls need to wear shoes like that? but it's also not safe. Please stick to the good-old Mary Janes or sneakers! Pack crazy lunches. Whether it's piles of candy or those ridiculous bento-style lunches with fancy shaped sandwiches, enough already! Cookie cutters are for cookies; not strawberries cut in pretty shapes. I'm tired of hearing how boring my sandwiches and baby carrots are.

More from The Stir: 6 Things Not to Say to a Mom With 'Lots' of Kids

What things to other parents do that annoy you?

Image via AnotherLunch.com/Flickr