The Stir By CafeMom: Blogger Jenny Benjamin

8 Reasons I Love Having Sons

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 21:26:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Last week, I got to spend time with my two nieces -- one is 2, the other is 1 -- and fell in love with their pretty pouts and frilly dresses and sparkly shoes. Despite the fact that I'm far from girlie, I was outright squee-ing over all of their sugar-and-spice adorableness. At the same time, it made me a little sad, thinking about how I'll never have a daughter of my own. We're not having any more kids, happy with our twin boys -- the shop is closed. So, I can't help but get a little wistful thinking of the tea parties I won't get to have, the American Girl store outings I'll miss, going shopping with my teen...huh, okay, maybe it's not that great.

And, the truth is, I really do love having boys. I've always loved the playfulness and exuberance of little guys, and I feel so lucky to have a couple of my own. So instead of dwelling on the daughter I don't have, I thought I should instead be reveling in the joys of having rough-and-tumble boys. For example...

Toddler boys are hilarious. They just are. Sometimes, it's unintentional, like how they toddle around with this chest-puffed swagger, carrying something heavy and manly (like my purse) as though they're big boys. The way they frown at me all serious and thinking, already little men, sitting in judgment. And then, it's just their own wild, rambunctious silliness -- the way they stand in downward dog, heads on the ground, looking at me upside down and laughing. The way they throw all the pillows off of the couch and then hurl their bodies on top of them. The way they run back and forth from room to room, wild and squealing, stopping to give their tiny-voiced "Hiiiiii," along the way. I don't have to do their hair. I have very curly, unmanageable hair, and zero energy to blow-dry and straighten and product to perfection. When I was little, my mom was forced (so she says) to cut my hair into a mullet because it was so difficult to brush my hair. My boys have beautiful, soft curls, nowhere near as frizzy as mine, but it's pretty poufy. If they were girls, I'd probably be wrestling those curls back with clips or hair ties, and totally unqualified to do so considering my own hair laziness. But with my guys, I can just let it all hang out, in its big, blond messy mop of glory.
It's apparently more acceptable for them to be shoeless and dirty. Now, I personally think it's perfectly acceptable for girls to be totally barefoot and muddy, just as much as boys. I was one of those little girls, so I don't think it's just a boy thing. That being said, you know all those strangers, the ones with the opinions on your child-rearing? Yeah, them. Well, from what I've heard from friends, apparently these strangers are appalled when little girls have dirt in their hair. I'm not saying I let my boys run around like Pig Pen, but I don't sweat it when they're disheveled because I usually don't hear anything worse than, "Oh, boys."
I don't stress as much about their chub. I've had body image issues and food issues since the time I hit early puberty. I think about my weight all the time, when I'm dieting, when I eat something decadent racked with guilt, when I lie in bed at night wondering what I'm going to fit into for this event, worrying someone is going to take my picture. It's a kind of self-hatred that I would never, ever want my kids to have. Of course, if I had a little girl, I would try to make sure it never got to that. I would help her to appreciate her body for what it is, as my parents did. But, as much as my parents tried to instill confidence in me, they couldn't change the messages I got from the outside. I imagine it's only worse for young girls today. My little guys are definitely little chubbers with juicy thighs and edible cheeks. They love food and shove big, honking fistfuls of it into their mouth. In fact, I think their favorite word, as they're sitting in their highchairs, is, "Moooooooooooore." They eat healthy, and love their vegetables, and are very active, so I hope to instill good habits. But, if they continue to be on the chubby side, I'm not going to lie, I think it'll be easier on them than it was on me. They really do love their Mommy. When I was pregnant, people kept telling me, "Oh boys, they really love their Mommies," which always bugged me because I would think that all children love their mothers, regardless of gender. But, I have to say, I do kind of see it now, what those people were talking about. My guys love to snuggle up with me, and fight each other for room on my lap when we're reading books. Everything I do is, apparently, hilarious, even if it's peeking at them from between the crib slats. Now, of course, I'm sure it's the same way with baby girls, but I have to say, there's something really special about the bond little boys have with their Mommies.
I can stress less about their teen years. Yeah, teenage girls terrify me. Like, I listen to them as they sip their gingerbread lattes, talking about the Biebs and the OMGs and I kind of want to gag myself with a spoon (oh wait, are the kids not saying that these days?). They just seem so, I don't know, foreign and strange to me and unknown. Was I like that? Maybe? But back then, we didn't have Facebook and Kei$ha and dinosaurs roamed the earth. All I know is that I want no part of it! So I'll take all the couch-diving and climbing and head bumps and knee scrapes of my toddler boys now, to save myself the anxiety of having a teenage girl later. Ai yi yi. Little boys are damn cool. A few weekends ago, we came home to find about 10 preteen boys running around our block like crazy people. It was our neighbor's son and his friends, I think a birthday party. One kid was in a full-on ninja suit, I think another one was wearing like rubber body armour, and they all had super cool, big-ass water guns. They were hiding behind trees, and diving off of low walls, and rolling down the grassy hills and screaming. It was wild and fun and so, so, so BOY! I turned to my husband and said, "Is that what we have to look forward to?" and he looked back at me with a big grin and said, "Oooooh yeah." I get to teach them what it really means to be a man. My boys are very lucky that they come from a long line of males who have integrity, who do the right thing, who are reliable and steady and trustworthy. To me, those are important traits in a man. But, I also believe that men should be soft -- that it's okay to be sensitive, it's okay to express your feelings, it's okay to cry. I want my sons to feel that. I want to teach my boys how to treat women, by being a woman that they can respect. I want them to have enough confidence in themselves to not be intimidated by a woman with brains and drive and determination. I want them to know that being a man is about being good and fair and compassionate, but also just about simply being who they are. I know, I know, we have years and years until we have to teach them those lessons. For now though, I'll focus on making them good boys by teaching them to be kind, to be patient, to be loving. And letting them know that if they never grow out of their obsession with shoes, or decide that one day they want an American Girl doll, that's okay too.

What's your favorite thing about having boys?

Having a Baby Can Put a Damper on Your Relationship

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 22:30:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Before I had kids, I'd look at my friends who were already parents -- tired and run-down, lacking any of that spark they had pre-baby -- and think, "Oh, I would never let that happen to us." It's what we all say before we become parents, as we make googly eyes at each other over a shared cheese plate and shake our heads at those poor, sad saps (the parents of young kids) at the next table.

When I was pregnant, we agreed to still make our relationship a priority. We would get babysitters regularly. And, since we were homebodies anyway, we wouldn't really mind staying in most Saturday nights, right? But what neither of us was really prepared for was the strain that having kids put on our day-to-day. Despite our best intentions, our babies put a damper on our relationship.

Of course, I had a feeling that all of the sleepless nights and exhaustion would take its toll on our sex life. Several studies have pointed to the fact that a couple's relationship and sexual satisfaction plummet after having a baby. It's not such a surprise -- you're not only tired and overwhelmed, but you're still carrying baby weight, you've consistently got spit-up in your hair and you're probably not feeling much like your sexy self. You're not feeling like yourself at all.

It's been 15 months since I had my twin boys, and I'm still waiting to get my mojo back. The good news is that I've lost a lot of the baby weight, I go to the gym regularly, and I finally started wearing jeans instead of yoga pants. But I still feel more like a Mommy than a MILF. And at the end of a long day with twin toddlers, I don't have much energy left for myself, much less my husband.

Yes, I'm a total cliche -- the wife with the headache, who's too tired, who snaps, "Not now!" with annoyance. I've sort of accepted this state of blech, and assumed my husband understood where it was all coming from. He knows I'm exhausted all the time. He knows I'm feeling unattractive. He knows I've probably got some low-grade anxiety going on. He gets it, I kept thinking.

But, he doesn't get it, not really. He feels like I'm pulling away from him, like I don't care about him as much as I used to, like I'm no longer attracted to him. And with all of my nagging and snapping and frustration, how could he not feel that way?

My husband is a loving, sweet and wonderful man, devoted to me and to our babies. I'm so lucky to have a husband who sees past the extra baby weight and my penchant for sweatpants, and actually still thinks I'm pretty. So why am I such an unappreciative bitch? It's not like we fight a lot, we don't. We still love each other and like each other and say as much. Things are just...different. It's like we're too tired for each other. Not tired OF each other. Just tired.

So how did it get to this point? Easy. I allowed for all of the excuses. I decided that being overwhelmed and overweight were reason enough to get lazy about my marriage. I decided that all of the love and devotion and encouragement I was giving to my babies meant that I didn't have to give as much love, devotion and encouragement to my husband. He doesn't need me as much as my little ones do, I rationalized.

Plus, where is the support and encouragement I deserve, huh? I'm taking care of the babies and working and making dinner most nights and running errands and walking the dog. How about some appreciation here? It's a little hard to be all adoring of your husband when you feel like you need a little adoration in return.

The reality is, our lives have changed. In most ways, having our twin boys have absolutely changed our lives for the better. But it's made other things -- like our relationship -- more of a challenge. And we're not alone in that. I've asked myself over the last year, and in conversations with friends, "We hear that having kids is so hard on a relationship and yet, we're so surprised when it happens to us. Why?" I guess it's because we all go into our relationships thinking we're different, better. We think we can beat the odds, that it'll be different for us, that we've learned from our friends' mistakes.

But nothing changes a relationship like adding a new little person (in my case, two at a time) into the mix -- one who needs every ounce of your time and energy and love. No matter how many date nights or nannies you have, your significant other is suddenly number 2. And that takes some getting used to.

For me, what's helped is knowing that I'm not the only new Mom going through it. The more we share our frustrations with each other, the more we realize that this is all normal. It helps us realize that it's not just our own husband who doesn't seem to know how to help, who isn't being appreciative, who seems worn thin and worn out. No, it's not an excuse to just throw up our hands and say, "Well, one day, it'll get better." But it at least helps us realize that having kids is hard on any marriage, period.

So what do new parents do to help their marriages? I wish I knew. Maybe it's just accepting the new dynamic, instead of trying to get back what you once had, or assuming the relationship is broken because it's not what it once was. Maybe it's about trying your best to stay in stride with each other, even when you're both rattled by life's new rhythms.

I do think that some things need to remain constant, that some things, you need to be vigilant about, no matter how tired you are. You need to show each other affection and appreciation, even if it's a twenty-second hello hug or saying "thank you" for the gestures big and small. But I think you also need to remember that the person you fell in love with is still there, even if you have these new roles to play as Mom and Dad. I think most couples do make their way back to each other once their babies get a little older, once life gets a little easier. As long as you're committed to your relationship and to your partner, as long as there is still love there, you're going to be okay.

Did your relationship suffer after having kids? What did you do or do you do to get the spark back?

My Babies' Naps Are Seriously Messing With My Social Life

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 17:00:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

At 15 months old, my twin boys are starting to transition to one nap, or so it seems. After a couple of weeks of listening to them babble and squeal at each other for an hour straight during their afternoon "nap," I started pushing it back. They don't go down until closer to 3:30 now. That would be fine, except their friends (you know, the super cool babies they met at playgroups who they keep begging me to hang out with) are waking up from their second nap right around the time that my guys are going down. My happy hour playdates -- over! Thanks a lot, kids.

I mean, it's not like I don't get together with my friends, because I do. But it's either because their babies' naps are all effed up too or they just kind of take naps whenever and wherever. So hallelujah for those mom friends who don't have the same rigid parenting philosophies that I do because I need these playdates. Playdates save my sanity!

As any first-time mom will tell you, it's awesome to have friends going through the same things that you are. Who else is going to care about sippy cups and nighttime diapers? I mean, really, I think I could spend hours talking about baby stuff, which -- depending on who you talk to -- either makes me the most boring human being on the planet or a fascinating, engaging conversationalist. And as a result, I've noticed that the new friends I've made all seem to have one thing in common: they have similar parenting styles to me.

It makes it a lot easier when I explain that I walked out of the room when my little guy was having a tantrum or why I leave them in their crib during "naptime," even if they're wide awake and playing in there.

Playdates also break up a long day of, "what now, guys?" With twins, it's not so fun taking them to the playground alone as they climb to death-defying heights and go down the slide on their faces. No, I much prefer going to someone else's child-proofed home or having friends come over here, where I can sit, relax, and know they're all relatively safe. There's none of that, "No, no, no, don't touch the dog poop!" hovering.

Plus, my guys are in better moods when their friends are around. What teething pain? Mama, who? I don't need that lady. Hmmm, I don't feel like smacking my brother in the head with this tractor because Little Johnny has a cool kitchen playset. They're wonderfully, blissfully distracted and I can enjoy a nice glass of iced tea ... or wine, whatever.

I know, I know, some of you more lax parents may wonder why I even bother to stick to a nap schedule if I want to get out so badly. But, I have twins and two young toddlers in cranky, meltdown mode is no picnic. It messes them up and it messes me up. Also, life with twins is chaotic enough as it is. I like having structure in our day, as well as a break just to breathe.

So until we get this nap transition thing done, I'm in this lonely, playdate limbo. Like, I start emails to mom friends with, "So what's Little Johnny's nap schedule right now?" And then follow up with some equally fascinating topic like whether or not I should put blankets in their cribs. Sigh. Yes, this is my life.

Do you think you could make it through the day without playdates?

I Let My Kids Hurt Themselves -- For Their Own Good

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 21:56:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

So, you know all those things they tell you about toddler boys being really active and wild and mischievous? You know those warnings from Moms of older boys, that usually come with that, "Oh just you wait" smirk? Well, I guess I really should have listened because now that my twins are upright, they've turned into pint-size stuntmen. God help me!

They're climbing on the bookshelves, hanging off the baby gates, walking up slides and racing up playground steps. I want to be cool about it, I do -- not hover, not panic, just let boys be boys. But, dammit, they're my little precious baby boo-boo's and they're going to hurt themselves! Am I really supposed to let them learn the hard way?

Their latest stunt, the one that is really giving me heart palpitations, is their desire to head dive off of the armrest of the couch, onto the hardwood floor. They climb right up there (sometimes throwing a pillow on the ground for that extra leverage), crawl over to the side, and then hang off the edge. Why, why, why?! The room has been baby-proofed, or at least, I thought it had. What is going on in those mischievous little brains that they managed to create a way to hurt themselves? I'm always in the room when they try and usually on the couch, so I'm quick to grab a leg or the back of their T-shirts and pull them back from the brink. But I started getting worried about what would happen when I'm not in the room.

So I mentioned it in my Mommy group the other day, hoping for some advice on discipline. Instead, they told me to just throw some pillows on the ground or create a ball pit and let them fall. Wait, what?! That's not what I expected to hear. But as the other moms of boys explained to me, all in agreement, it would only be a matter of time until they did it, so I might as well make it safe.

But, here's the thing: Aren't we supposed to protect our kids from harm? Isn't that kind of my job as their Mom? It goes against all my maternal instincts to be like, "Yeah, kid, go for it, let's hope it doesn't hurt too much." I mean, they fall down twenty times a day -- I can't prevent every trip and tumble. But when I'm able to protect them, shouldn't I?

Then, I thought about the other side of the argument: No, I really can't be there to keep them safe, every minute of every day. I can try, but I also don't want to be one of those hovering, anxious parents who audibly, dramatically gasps every time her kid falls down. These kids of mine seem pretty determined to dive off of that couch, so I decided that, okay, I was going to let them. If I want them to be brave, maybe I need to be brave too.

So buoyed by what I heard in my group the other day ("Yeah, he totally took a header and banged his face but he's fine."), I set up a "safe zone." I took a squishy toy box that we have and filled it with soft toys and inflatable balls and a pillow, and put it right beneath the armrest. Maybe this would be like Murphy's Law, I thought. Maybe, now that it's safe, he won't want to dive off the armrest. Oooh no, it was just as enticing as ever.

As usual, my boy headed right for that armrest, flinging his upper body off of the side. Rather than grab him, I held my breath, winced and waited for the inevitable dive. For a brief moment, it looked like maybe his real goal was just to hang there, not jump. So, being the genius I am, I grabbed the camera aaaaaand...he fell face first into the box.

Of course, I gasped and (I think) screamed, "Nooooooooo." Honestly, it's a blur. But there he was, face down in the box of soft toys. After a beat, he started to cry, of course, and I picked him up and held him and said, like the all-knowing Mommy I am, "See, that's what happens when you try to dive off the couch." But he was okay, he was definitely okay. And, knock on wood, he seemed to get over the fascination, and answered the question of, "I wonder what would happen if..." because he hasn't done it again since, oh, yesterday.

I mean, he and his brother are little imps, so chances are they're probably going to try that or some other death-defying stunt again. If it's not the couch, it's going to be something else, right? So maybe it's not such a bad idea to let them climb and fall, as long as I've made sure that they can't really hurt themselves. Obviously, it's going to continue to scare the bejesus out of me, but I think that maybe I need to let my boys be boys.

What do you think? Do you think you should let your kids explore, even if there's a chance they might hurt themselves?

The Toddler Moments That Make Us Proud

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 12:31:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

It goes without saying that we're all proud of our kids, not just because they're clearly math whizzes/Pulitzer Prize winners/CEOs/cancer-curing doctors in the making, but because, well, they're ours. But when your little baby suddenly becomes a capable little toddler, you start to see glimpses of who he will be, peeks at his character, this budding person-of-the-world. You get to witness these really telling moments, little acts of kindness or bravery that make your heart swell with pride, bring weepy, happy tears to your eyes. They're the moments you want to video and share with your friends and family. Oh never mind, you just put them up on Facebook because, hell yeah, you think everyone needs to know.

A couple of weeks ago, my 14-month-old twin boys started walking, and while I was obviously proud of those first steps, I was even more proud of the steps they took to get there.

My guys have been on the late side of average when it came to rolling over and crawling. So, I sort of assumed the walking wouldn't happen for awhile either. And with twins, I wasn't in a rush! But then, out of nowhere, after having taken a couple of steps here, maybe another couple steps there, one of my boys just started walking -- like right across the room. And man, was I proud, so proud. Still, that didn't impress me nearly as much as what came next. For days after, he was determined to get this walking thing right. Falling down and getting right back up, plowing into the wall and then shaking it off and jumping right back to it. He was so determined, so brave, so confident. "That's my boy," I kept thinking. "That's my boy."

And then, it was my other son's turn. He saw his brother toddling all over the place and, damnit, he was going to do it too. The poor thing wasn't quite ready, you could tell, but he didn't care. For an entire week after my one son started walking, the other just would not give up. He'd take a step or two and then dive head-first into my arms. Or, he'd take a step or two when he thought no one was looking, then bam, hit the floor hard. He's a very sensitive little guy, quick to cry and melt down at any small frustration. But no, with this walking thing, he barely shed a tear. He just kept bouncing back up and trying again, bouncing back up and trying again. That bounce-back with him, that's what made me proud.

Look, I know everyone's baby walks at some point and likely are as determined as my sons. My guys, though totally amazing to me, aren't remarkable. But they're mine and watching them learn how to walk, and then perfect it, has been a true joy. Maybe it's because they've tackled this walking thing the way I would want them to. I've always said I want my children to be brave and confident, eager to explore the world, not afraid of it. Who knows if that's who they will be or not, but their confidence and determination in the last few weeks makes me think they're on the right track.

I've seen other parents have these proud moments and watched their faces light up when their sweet toddler reaches out to share his toy with another, says a new word, or even does something terrifying like figure out how to open drawers so he can stand on top of the dresser. A friend of mine recently told me a story about how her 1-year-old son, on his first trip to the beach, was scared of the ocean, burying his face in her chest to hide from the sights and sounds of the crashing waves. Then, after sitting and watching the water for a little, seeing his brother enjoying it, he took his Mom's hand and walked her down to the shore with him, as if to say, "Okay, Mama, let's do this." Already, a little man brave enough to overcome his fears.

One day, our toddlers will be big kids, getting their first A in school, kicking their first soccer goal, singing in their first recital. We'll watch them comfort a crying friend, bravely walk into their kindergarten class, crayon a picture that could definitely rival a Picasso. We have a lifetime of these proud moments ahead of us, but they start with the small kindnesses and small victories of their toddlerhood.

What has been your proudest moment with your toddler so far?

Moms Are to Blame for 'Lazy' Dads

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 16:49:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

All right, I'm just going to say this: The vast majority of Dads don't do nearly as much as the Moms do when it comes to child-rearing. Sure, they're devoted and loving and all of that, they take their kids to baseball games and out for ice cream and roughhouse with them on the floor. But when it comes to the day-to-the-day, I'd say that for the most part, it falls squarely on Mom's shoulders, whether you're a working Mom or stay-at-home. (Of course, stay-at-home Dads are rock stars when it comes to parenting, so they're not included in this discussion.)

You could blame it on women's natural impulse to nurture, and men's natural impulse to provide. But I call bullshit on all of that. I think the reasons why Dads don't often pull as much of the parenting weight is because we let them off the hook too easily. And then we resent them for not doing enough.

Last week, we were on vacation with my husband's family, and he spent more concentrated time with our twin 1-year-olds than he ever has. It was totally exhausting, chasing after two toddlers, going two different directions, in a house without baby-proofing. He got to see for himself what I do most days of the week. But whenever our babies were cruising on teetering chairs that kept tipping backwards, racing towards the tangle of electrical cords, harassing the fearful dog, or charging off the stone steps, someone would inevitably turn to my exasperated husband and suggest he go take a nap. Oh, yes, thank you, well-meaning relative -- now is the perfect time for him to disappear and leave the baby-wrangling to me.

My husband though was clearly exhausted, ill-equipped to handle the twins chaos and constant baby-tending. He doesn't do it on a daily basis so he wasn't really prepared. Some vacation, right? And seeing him overwhelmed and annoyed, my instinct was to shield him, thereby playing Mommy both to my children and to my husband. I too suggested he go take a nap once the babies were down for theirs. I thought he might enjoy a minor league game with his brother while we ladies stayed back to watch the kids. I wanted him to be okay and tried to facilitate that.

So then what happened? Oh, I just became a raving bitch -- short-tempered, nagging, snapping at him, "Why didn't you take out the bottles?! Instead of just standing there, could you get their bibs, puh-lease?! Pick him up, he's crying! I'm tired too, I'm tired too!" Hey, I don't blame you if you're hating me right now -- I hate me too. And if you're not hating me right now, well, it might be because it all sounds so familiar.

But the father of your children isn't an idiot. He knows how to change a diaper, microwave some mac-n-cheese, pick your baby up when he falls down. He can read her a book, keep her away from the electrical outlets, put her down for a nap and remember the lovey. The problem is, we first-time Moms often just take over, for a few reasons.

First off, we can't help but feel like he's doing it all wrong. It's not the way we like it done or it's not how we usually do it, so we're afraid it might throw our babies into a tailspin. Thing is, every time I've left my babies alone with my husband, they miraculously seem to survive, even though he didn't cut up the green beans or bathe them for two days. Go figure.

Second, I think many women try to protect their husbands -- we think we can handle it better (we can), so suggest that our fragile husband, go, go, go have a beer and watch baseball. And then, as he sits there with his feet up, not only watching the game but watching YouTube videos on his iPhone as well, we stand there seething. It's like the, "No, I'm not mad" of parenting: we tell him it's okay to go and relax, but what we really want him to do is say, "Oh honey, you look exhausted too. Let me give little Johnny dinner while you go take a bath." Because that's totally, totally going to happen.

Finally, I think we hate to see our partners resenting our kids. Sure, it's okay for us to roll our eyes or pour ourselves a big glass of wine just to get through the witching hour. But, God forbid Dad seems frustrated or annoyed. We want to get that energy far away from our little ones, so we snap, "I got this, I got this, go take a walk," and are relieved when he does. Like your kids have never seen you get frustrated or annoyed?

I think we need to stop shielding men from the work of raising kids. What are we so afraid of? That our husbands are really going to run out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back? Not likely. Most men are better than that. What we're doing is enabling them, allowing them to take a backseat with parenting, and then angry at them for never, ever getting in the driver's seat. And our friends all tell the same story, so we sigh deeply and acknowledge that it's normal. But that doesn't make it right.

Sure, there are many men who refuse to help, even when we ask. But I think the majority are more than capable and would do it, if it didn't come with snapping and nagging and criticism from us. Maybe they won't remember the diaper cream, maybe they'll watch TV while the baby plays, maybe the baby will spend the whole day in just his diaper. But sometimes, I think we need to hand the baby off to their Dads and say, "Here, he's yours for the next two hours. Mama's getting a pedicure." Without Mom around to pick up the slack, Daddy's on deck and it's really, really good for him. Of course, the second he hears the key in the lock, he might be right there at the front door, holding the baby out to you. But he did it, he handled Daddy duty, you got a break, and everyone survived.

Parenthood is hard on a marriage, plain and simple -- there's a reason why comedians of both genders make jokes about the unhelpful, unappreciative husband and the nagging, critical wife. At the root of all of that though is underlying resentment, a lack of communication, saying one thing when you mean another. Ask for help, insist on it, and even if you only get it, say, 4 times out of 10, at least it takes some of the edge off. He's the Dad and if he's a good man (which I hope he is), he loves his child, and he loves you -- you just have to get him to share the burden.

Do you think you've enabled the father of your child to be not as helpful?

Image via David Boyle/Flickr

8 Moments That Make You A Mom

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 21:24:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Last week, there was a small earthquake here in L.A., just a mile or so from our house. Because it was so close, the house definitely rattled-and-rolled pretty intensely. My husband had never been in a quake, so he threw his arms around me, instinctively, protectively. Me? I pushed his arm off and ran to get my babies. Thankfully, it was a short quake and when I got to their room, the boys were still sleeping soundly. My heart was racing, but my mind was clear and I was calm -- my first priority, my gut-place instinct was to make sure my babies were safe and keep them safe.

As I walked back to our bedroom, I was struck by, "Whoa, I really am a Mom." I know, I sound a little stupid. I mean, duh, yes, I'm a Mom who loves and nurtures and panics and swells with pride over my little ones. But this was a pure heart, all love, Mama Bear reaction. It got me thinking about the other moments that really make me feel like a Mom. And here's what I've come up with...

When cold, fever, or any illness strikes. Colds and low fevers are really no big deal in the grand scheme of things. So, when my little ones get sick, I think, "Come on, man up, it's just a cold and it will pass." But when I see their sad, watery eyes and their snotty noses, when I hear that nails-on-a-chalkboard baby cough, it's pure torture, torture that I just want to end already. Really, I think the babies handle it better than I do.
When I suck snot out of my baby's nose. So speaking of colds, that Nose Frida thing is really a lifesaver when your baby is snotty and congested and needs relief. Still, you've got to love your child a whole lot to literally suck the snot out of his nose. I mean, you wouldn't do it for someone else's kid, right? When I go out on the town. A couple of weeks ago, I was in Austin for a friend's bachelorette party. So, of course, there was some drinking, some bar-hopping. As I stood at one outdoor college bar, with my heels off (because my feet were killing me), I kept thinking, "What am I doing here? I'm a mother of twins. I should be home sleeping. I hate this thong." Then, as the night progressed and I began to notice the young girls wearing T-shirts as dresses, the young boys far, far too drunk to still have a beer in their hands, I found myself all crotchety and judgmental. "That girl really needs to put some pants on. That boy is really being quite aggressive with his grinding. Ugh, she's having another drink? Maybe I should have made this white wine a spritzer." Then it hit me...my once-sexy self was gone, totally gone. Replaced by, well, a middle-aged Mother. When they stick their drooly fingers in my mouth.
Before I had kids, I'd watch in awe as friends opened wide to accept an already-gnawed morsel of food from their toddler's greasy hands. Ew, so grody. My kids are apparently food hogs and have not yet offered me a bite (greedy), but they do like to take the fingers they've just been sucking on and stick them in my mouth, as I sit there mumbling, "Mmmm, delicious, so tasty, tasty fingers." Which is a lie, because no, their fingers are not tasty, not at all. And sometimes, their fingers taste like spit-up. Why, why, why am I doing this?! I always wonder. Well, that's easy: it makes them laugh. When I give them a new toy. Now, this one might be projection because it's become clear to me that my babies are just as fascinated by the wrapping paper, as they are the gift inside. The night after their birthday party, while they were asleep, I opened a few of their gifts, squealing with glee over a zoo animals playset, a bubble-blowing octopus, two adorable plush rocking chairs. I felt like it was Christmas Eve, and I couldn't wait for the babies to wake up and start playing with their new toys. As you might imagine, it was not nearly as exciting as I'd pictured it since the colorful tissue paper under the couch was equally as enticing to them. Still, that excitement and joy I felt? That was Mama love. While playing Peek-a-boo. My babies just turned 1 last week, so they're at a great age right now. The changes keep coming on fast, and it seems like every day is some new discovery or another peak in their curiosity. It's not like I didn't enjoy spending time with my babies before, but the last few months, I've been digging it a lot more. And I'm having so much fun playing games with them. I mean, these guys crack me up, not because they're particularly funny, but because they're my babies and the baby-things they do are hilarious. I'll put a blanket over one of their heads and ask, "Where's my boy, where's my boy?" while his little head turns back and forth under the sheet. Then, suddenly, he'll yank it down and laugh hysterically like, "Here I am!" Yeah, I know, it's your garden-variety peek-a-boo, but I'm his Mommy, so it's pure comedy. Also, these days, I've taken to lying down on the floor, inviting them to crawl all over me. It's Mommy Pile-On, and it's awesome. Seeing myself in videos or pictures with them. Like I said, it was my babies' first birthday last week, so of course, we were taking a ton of pictures and videos. Normally, I don't like to get in the pictures, but I felt like it might actually be important for me to be in their birthday albums. The next day, I played back the videos and scrolled through the pictures, and tears came to my eyes. I was so, so HAPPY in every picture. Beaming really, with pride, with love, bursting at the seams. I can't get enough of them, constantly kissing their cheeks and snuggling their chubby bodies and nuzzling their sweet necks -- completely, totally, obsessively smitten. Of course, I know that I'm happy, that I'm totally in love with them, that they're my whole world. But seeing it, seeing myself with them, I had no idea just how swoon-y I actually am. When someone other than Mommy holds them. With this adorable age has also come some separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. When it happens, I'm always consoling the offender who dared try to hold my shy baby. "Oh, so sorry, it's not personal," I say, as my little man's arms reach out for me, a pleading look on his face. But as I scoop my baby back into my arms, I've got to admit, I go all gooey inside. I can't help but feel all warm-and-fuzzy with my babies' love and need for me. Of course, if they're doing this at 15, we've got a problem, but I know I only have a small window of time where they still feel like they need their Mommy. So, I'll take it!

What moments stand out in your mind that make you realize you're really a Mom?

Dirty Dogs Are Good for Babies

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 08:58:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

When friends come over, I've always felt the need to apologize for the dog hair all over our house and on our furniture, for the black hairs that have collected on the front of my boys' T-shirts, and the stray hairs often found on their lips and faces. But, no more! Now, I can confidently say with pride, "It's for the kids!" A recent study found that children who live with a dog (or cat) for the first year of their lives tend to get sick a whole lot less.

Well, phew, because every time I find one of my twin babies sucking on a dog toy, I need some reassurance that I'm not the worst, stankiest Mother of all time. Now that I know it's healthy, hell, I'm going to let them play in our Lab's dog bowl, snuggle in her dog bed, share her chew toys. I kid, I kid. Obviously, I don't want my boys all up in her mess, but I do feel a lot better knowing that it's actually good for babies. But, just seeing my sons interact with our sweet Ruby, I can already tell it's good for them.

My babies are totally fascinated by Ruby, eager to crawl over to her and jangle her collar or pet her fur or climb her. From what I can tell, Ruby now recognizes them as part of her pack, although she doesn't seem to love all their jangling and pulling quite so much. Of course, I'm always right there to monitor to make sure neither pooch nor pumpkins hurt each other, but Ruby seems perfectly capable of taking care of herself. I'd say that 95 percent of the time, she just gets up and walks away when she's had enough. The rest of the time, she just lies there, with this look like, "Alright kids, five minutes, then leave Miss Ruby in peace."

Of course, she sort of brings it upon herself because the dog is always where we are. Even when the babies are in full meltdown mode, Ruby's right there. Both my boys could be wailing their heads off and rather than run from the racket, Ruby moves towards the cacophony, coming into their eye line just when they're in need of distraction. When I see her in the doorway, it really does feel like she's there to help.

Although my guys aren't even 1 year old yet, I think they're learning a lot about compassion and affection from having a dog. I've been reinforcing, "Gentle, gentle, gentle with Ruby," since the minute they started grabbing at her fur, and now, months later, they get it. Sure, they'll yank at my hair and bang, bang, bang toys on the ground. But, when they're petting the dog, it's just soft pats and strokes. As a result, I find that if I say "gentle, gentle" when they're reaching at each other, or other babies, they seem to get it more now. They show her affection as well, snuggling into her fur the way they nuzzle against us, and she licks their faces in return. Dogs and babies -- I mean, it doesn't get any sweeter.

I think the dog has also made them a little more resilient -- not like babies need to learn how to be resilient. But I think it's important for children at least to be able to roll with the punches. When Ruby barks her loud, scary bark (usually at passing senior citizens with small dogs), the boys don't even flinch. In fact, as I've mentioned, one of my boys even "woofs, woofs" back in his own mimicking baby way. She thwacks them with her tail, sometimes in the face, which used to get them really upset, but now, they just sort of blink heavily and try to swat her tail away. Maybe it's an age thing, but I also think they've just gotten used to it.

Of course, they've also had to get used to a little bit of nastiness as well, but I feel a whole lot better about it now knowing it's keeping them healthy ... Okay, it's still really freakin' gross. Ruby always brings her dog toys around the babies (although, she seems to recognize that the babies' toys aren't hers) and leaves them all over, where my boys inevitably find them and stick the muddy, slobbery things in their mouths. They're no strangers to slobber though -- Ruby constantly licks their faces, which they respond to by opening their mouths wide with glee.

Mealtime is all kinds of gross as well. I constantly find dog hairs on their highchair trays, seconds after I've cleaned them. I don't know if they're raining down from the ceiling or what, but they seem to float in the air like dust. Which means that, inevitably, dog hairs will attach themselves to pieces of meatball or noodle before they go right in my babies' mouths. Oh, and now, while eating, my guys like to reach out to Ruby, letting her lick whatever mess of food is on their hands, before putting that hand right back in their mouths. At first, I tried to stop all this germ-sharing, but I couldn't keep up. So, I gave up.

At the end of the day, our dog is part of our family. She was the baby we had before we knew if we'd even be able to have a baby. She makes us happy, she soothes us, she gives us that unconditional puppy love. In general, Labs as a breed tend to be patient and gentle with small children, so that helps, but we still never leave her unattended with them. I grew up with dogs though and loved every minute of it, and I have a feeling my boys are going to feel the same way. I think, if you can do it, every family should try to have some kind of pet (dog, cat, bunny, goldfish, whatever), even if that means your babies will end up sucking on dirt.

Do you have a pet? What positive effects do you think it's had on your baby or children?

Stop Trying to Teach Your Baby Stuff

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 21:17:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Recently, I was looking around at the hurricane of stuff my 11-month-old babies had scattered all over our den, and thought to myself, without a hint of irony, "Maybe they need more toys." Hear me out: They have links and books and balls that rattle, but I wondered if maybe they should have more stimulating, animated toys. They're at the age now where they're pulling levers and opening lids to elicit that high-pitched, battery-operated, "tee-hee" sound or carnival-style music. They'll push that big orange button like ten thousand times, bopping every time the creepy elf-like songs start. So are those blocks boring, old news to them now?

As it turns out, no, not at all. In a recent study, researchers determined that infants seek out information on their own, without the need for fancy toys or "educational" tools. If you give a baby an interesting environment to explore, they'll learn from that more than any toy.

I decided to test the theory the other day, trying to figure out what toys they may or may not need. Would they spend more time on the musical toys with all the bells and whistles or a long chain of plastic links? Well, they seemed sort of drawn to all of them, but what did they find the most fascinating? Let's see: One boy found the dog's pink Frisbee and spent a long time banging on that, clapping it together in his hands, putting it in his mouth, dragging it around the room with him. And then, my other boy, spent a good amount of time over by the heating grate (don't worry, it wasn't hot), just clanking on that and making sounds. I think at one point, the boys both wanted my water bottle, first sucking on it and then rolling it across the room. They picked up a book or two, not even looking at the pages, just flipping them around. A few times, they took a break to crawl over to the sliding glass door and look outside.

So what did I learn? Well, first off, I figured out that they probably don't need more toys if they find a wooden spoon and a catalog to be wild entertainment. But I also realized that I don't need to worry so much about whether or not I'm giving them the right "tools" to learn -- they're doing just fine on their own!

As parents, I think we often feel guilty, like we need to be giving our babies more, more, more stuff. We see some cool thing that a friend has and feel like maybe our baby just has to have that too. Or, that we're doing our child a disservice by not utilizing the baby piano that both plays music and teaches them their numbers...in Spanish.

Every now and then though, my babies gesture or make a sound or reach for something that reminds me that they're little sponges, picking up on everything. It's not words I've taught them or anything I've encouraged -- it's just what they've discovered for themselves. For example, I noticed the other day that when my dog barks, one of my boys responds with his own "oof oof" grunting sound, smiling away. I didn't teach him that, I didn't ask him what a dog says, he just felt the need to imitate it, to make the same sound with his own mouth, and gets a big kick out of doing it too. I had no idea he was absorbing the dog's sounds like that, that it would peak his interest like that. Meanwhile, I sit there in front of him going, "Say Mama, say Mama, ma-ma, ma-ma, ma-ma, ma-ma." And he just smiles and gives me a blank stare. Sure, he might say it as he's crawling over to me, but not when I'm trying to force it. Ever notice how they never do their "tricks" when you ask them to? Yeah, they're too smart for that.

Clearly, babies are just ripe to absorb everything, curious and eager to explore their world. But even though they're just babies, it's really on their own terms. We don't need to get in their faces with educational tools and numbers and the alphabet -- instead, we should just sit back and see what they discover on their own, what draws them in, what they're putting together from their vantage point, just a foot or two off the ground. I'm not saying a parent shouldn't play and interact with their baby, but I think it's important to let your child take the lead sometimes, let him or her show you what's peaking their interest, even if it is a plastic pink Frisbee. And save the high-tech toys and computer programs for when they're old enough to whine and beg and cry about how much they wanna, wanna, just gotta have it.

Do you have a lot of "educational toys" for your baby? Do you think they've worked?

New Moms Need to Take Care Of Themselves

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:56:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

So now that it's summertime, I've been taking my little fair-haired babies to the park, to the pool and to outdoor dining spots. Of course, I'm vigilant with the sunscreen, shielding their precious baby skin from the dangerous UV rays. But unfortunately, somewhere between all that slathering and umbrella-tilting and wrestling to get their fishermen's hats on, I forgot to put sunscreen on my own skin. Then, I forgot again...and again...and again...and ended up with a pretty vicious burn, the likes of which I haven't seen since Spring Break '96.

Yes, I know, it's incredibly stupid, especially since my mother has had to have cancerous cells removed from her freckly skin. But at least my babies didn't get burnt, right? Right? Wrong. As my husband pointed out when he saw my raw, red shoulders, when you're a Mom, it's even more important to take care of yourself. And no, being too busy protecting your baby is still no excuse.

In the years I spent trying to conceive and then the nine months I was pregnant, my body was a temple -- all organic foods and acupuncture and yoga and healthy living. But as soon as I stopped breastfeeding, I went back to my daily Diet Coke habit, my heavily-processed low-calorie ice cream, my white flours and pastas. I've never been one to hit the drive-thrus, luckily, but I'm nowhere near as rigid about the health-value of the foods I eat anymore. Sure, my boys are eating organic fruits and vegetables and meats, but Mama's not.

Hey, I've been busy chasing after two 10-month-olds on-the-move! I've had to baby proof the house, and cook them whole, organic foods, and use BPA-free products and toxin-free lotions, and micro-examine every morsel (potential choking hazard!) that goes into their tiny mouths. I've had to keep my eyes out when they pull themselves up and subsequently plop down on the hardwood floor, often bonking their heads in the process. And there are two of them, people, two of them. So, yeah, maybe I've been a little too busy to put sunblock on, or exercise, or fill up my water bottle instead of, say, just reaching for an accessible can of Diet Coke.

While it seems that most of us new Moms ultimately figure out the need for "me time," we often forget to actually take care of our health. Sure, we'll try to get a break when we can, running out for a manicure or to go shopping or to grab a drink with some friends. But, when's the last time you saw your internist? Have you had your moles checked this year? Seen the dentist? Did you sit down to a wholesome, nutritious lunch today? Did you eat lunch at all? What about breakfast? I don't think I'm the only one who seems to keep pushing my health to the back burner.

And yes, I'm dealing with the consequences. In addition to my sunburn, my back always hurts, my legs are stiff, I'm asleep on the couch by 9:00. Would it be so tough to do some stretches? To exercise more? To reach for an apple instead of a pretzel rod? Even when I do have a babysitter or family here to help, I'd rather just sit and watch reality TV than take a long, rejuvenating walk. I'm tired, man, I'm just tired.

But I don't want to be! I want to be healthy and strong and energetic for my kids. Yes, I want to be able to keep up with them now and give them my best, but I also want to live a long, healthy life for them. I want to be there when they graduate from college and walk down the aisle and have kids of their own. I want to be there for them for as long as I can, and that's not going to happen if I keep slacking on myself like this.

So, Project Mommy has started -- I'm eating healthy, I'm exercising, and I've cut back on the diet sodas and processed junk. Admittedly, it's been a bit of a slow start (and not quite an all-or-nothing endeavour), but hey, we're on the right track. Seeing as how I'm now all healthy (sorta), I feel it's my duty to dole out a bit of encouragement. So here goes: You can take care of your baby and take care of yourself at the same time -- yes, there are enough hours in the day. Need exercise? Take a long walk with the stroller or baby carrier. Need to eat better? Make yourself clean, healthy foods that you can then puree or dice up for your little one. Need to see your doctor? Bring the baby.

Of course, we know all of this and we may tell ourselves that, starting tomorrow, we're going to be better about our health. So why don't we do it? Simple: we don't have the energy. But, what good are you to your family if you're achy and exhausted and always getting sick? You owe it to your baby to be good to yourself.

Have you been slacking on taking care of yourself since having a baby?

Image via Flickr/lululemon athletica

Your Baby Will Survive Without You

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 08:03:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Sure, I am madly in love with my babies, but for the past 10 months, I've been daydreaming about what it might be like to get away for a night or two, have some time alone with my husband, sleep in a clean, quiet hotel room. So, when my in-laws offered to watch our twin babies so I could accompany my hubby on a short work trip to San Francisco, I jumped on it. Oh, I was so excited, thinking about all the things we could do on our night away.

But, then, as the trip was approaching, I started to panic. Leave my babies?!?! I must be crazy! I work from home so I'm pretty much with my kids all day, every day. What if they needed Mommy? What if I missed a major milestone? Luckily, I had plenty of friends who assured me that a) the babies would be just fine and b) it would be good for my marriage to get away. Well, I survived, and I have to say, I'm already counting the days until we can take another trip.

Of course, the week leading up to it, I kept having anxiety dreams -- that one of my boys got lost, that one of my boys fell down a flight of stairs, that one of my boys was on an airplane alone. I mean, why would my subconscious do this to me, why?! Then, the night before, I felt the need to remind my mother about what the plan should be if our plane went down: who I wanted to raise my boys, what kind of people I wanted them to be, what I wanted for their life. (Yeah, she was really enjoying that conversation.) It's like I felt wrong for leaving them, that something bad would happen just because I selfishly wanted a night away.

The thing is, I knew that they would be in great hands with my in-laws -- I mean, you coudn't ask for better grandparents. But would they know not to give them a pacifier at bedtime? Would they remember that "ocean" on the sound machine is for naps while "waterfall" is for night? Would they cut the chunks of watermelon too big? Oh, the watermelon, that damned watermelon. I became fixated on it, terrified of just how well it would dissolve in their mouths, wondering if maybe I should just put "no watermelon!!!" in my list of instructions.

Oh, I should mention that I wrote out a five-page baby schedule for our 24 hours away. Yep, that's right, five pages ... single-spaced! In fairness, it also included instructions for the dog and household stuff and ... oh, who am I kidding? It was straight-up cray cray! Honestly, I'm usually a pretty lax parent. Yes, my babies are on a sleep and nap schedule, but we deviate, we do. And I'm really not very rigid or micro-managing about what they eat or how they eat it. But, here I was, painstakingly writing out a detailed list of instructions. I kind of knew it was a little much as I was typing and yet I couldn't stop myself. God forbid I forgot to mention that my boys like to steal the spoon sometimes mid-feeding or that they shouldn't play with the remote controls. Oh no, every last detail had to be in there.

When the morning of the trip came, my husband and I both got the babies up and fed them before handing them off. There my baby boys were, all happy and playing with toys, totally oblivious to the fact that Mommy was leaving them for an entire night. After hugging and kissing them like crazy, I stood in the doorway, trying to get them to give me a wave and a buh-bye. But they were too busy having fun. "Okay, that's good," I thought. "They're cool, they're happy, they'll be fine without their Mommy."

And then I cried. I cried as we walked out of the house, I cried in the car on the way to the airport. But, once we got to the airport, a funny thing happened: I went through security ... without a baby on me. And then, I sat down and had a hot cup of coffee, without a baby on me. And then, I read a trashy magazine, without a baby on me. You getting the picture? I was free! I was free! I was free!

I won't get into the details of my trip because, really, it was only thrilling to me. But here's what I will tell you: This tired Mommy of baby twins got to enjoy a two-hour garden lunch outside with my cousins. I took a long walk around the streets of San Francisco without pushing a stroller. I went to a really special dinner with my husband where I had a glass of champagne (because I'm totally wild) and we had entire conversations about things other than our babies. Then, I got to sleep deeply in a big, comfy hotel bed without one ear listening for my babies' cries. Yes, I still woke up at 6 a.m., but this time, I didn't have to get up!

And guess what? My babies survived! They even had some watermelon. And they slept all night, despite the fact that their sound machine was incorrectly set to "ocean." And irony of ironies, I did miss two milestones in the 24 hours we were away -- one of my boys stood up in his crib for the first time and also got himself into sitting. But, guess what? He did it all again. As one of my working-Mom friends says, it doesn't count until Mommy or Daddy sees it anyway.

When I came home, I was thrilled to see their smiling faces -- although I had an amazing time away, I was never more happy to be with them. And, I'll be honest, it was almost like I enjoyed them even more, or at least had more patience with their new-teeth fussing and gimme-gimme-more-banana whining. It was like I'd hit the mothering reset button.

Of course, I realize how lucky we are that we had family willing to watch our little ones, especially since they live on the other side of the country and get to see my husband so little. It's something that you can clearly only do if you have people in your life gracious and loving and, yes, energetic enough to take care of your baby. If you have the opportunity to spend a night alone with your partner though -- even if it means a friend just takes your baby to her place for the night -- take it, take it, take it! It's good for you, it's good for your relationship, it's good for your babies too. But mainly, it's just awesome.

Have you had a night away from your baby yet? Did you love it or hate it?

Image via taiyofj/Flickr

10 Lessons I've Learned As A First-Time Mom

Sat, 12 May 2012 21:25:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

So, this year will be my first Mother's Day, and like many first-time Moms, I'm feeling pretty "Go me!" about the whole thing. I mean, I'm a freakin' Mom. A MOM. With two babies that are my own, that will one day call me Mommy, you know, when they can speak. Really?! Really?! It's funny how it still feels almost surreal, how I still sometimes wonder when their Mom is coming to get them. Oh wait, that's me! So weird.

It's been an amazing nine months, full of incredible milestones and teary-eyed challenges, heart-swelling moments and anxiety-inducing self-doubt. For first-time Moms, this year is like baby boot camp, prepping us for a lifetime of all-consuming love and all-consuming hard work. With every day, you learn something new about your little one, watch some new development or discovery, and along the way, discover new things about yourself as well. With that in mind, here are a few things I learned as a first-time Mom...

No, none of us are totally "chill." I've been neurotic my whole life, but when I got pregnant, it's like this state of calm came over me. I was convinced that I'd turned a page, that I would now be Zen forever. But, noooooo. When they were waking up every hour around the 4-month mark, when they got their first fevers, when my boy had massive projectile vomit after eating egg yolks, old crazy me was back in full effect. I was reading stupid advice on the Internet, obsessing over what was wrong, running off to the health food store, convinced there must be some secret remedy I was missing. In these moments, I would get so disappointed in myself, embarrassed that I was calling the doctor for the umpteenth time in two weeks. But then I realized, who gives a crap? Sure, it's great if you can be chill and relax about most stuff, but when your child is sick, damn straight you're going to be a little crazy. It's called being a first-time Mom, and we're all, ALL, at least a little crazy. You will never really sleep again. I love to sleep, I do. I love Sunday afternoon naps, and snoozing on the couch, and getting into bed at the end of a long day. But, since having the little guys, sleep just ain't what it used to be. Even if they sleep through the whole night, I don't. Baby makes a little sigh, I'm up. Baby starts babbling at 5:00 in the morning for no reason, I'm up. Dog makes noise that I don't recognize so must be coming from the babies' room, I'm up. Baby has a fever and I'm worried about him, I'm up...every hour, checking the monitor. And forget about sleeping in -- my husband offered to take over on Mother's Day morning, but I know that I'll be up as soon as I hear their first squeal, so that's not happening. Just when you think you've got this baby thing under control, they throw you a curve ball. Call it Murphy's Law or tempting fate or whatever. As soon as you start to think, "I got this," your baby gets teeth or an ear infection or wants to crawl or wants Mommy ALL THE TIME and alas, your finely-tuned system goes all screwy once again. From what I can tell, the only thing you can do is just accept that things are going to keep changing on you, and be prepared to roll with the punches. I think I went through the first six months of their lives thinking, "Finally, we've turned a corner, everything's clicking into place!" only to find myself totally baffled by middle-of-the-night wakings or hunger strikes or crying jags for no apparent reason. Things change so quickly when it comes to milestones too. It's a little bit crazy-making, but I find that just when I start to worry that maybe my little ones aren't going to really roll or crawl for a long time or maybe aren't ready for finger foods, bam, they roll or crawl or daintily pick up a chunk of banana before shoving it in their mouth. And all of these things just sort of happened, suddenly, out of nowhere, without warning. My babies just keep proving to me that things can and do literally change overnight. Don't underestimate your baby. As I've said before, babyhood is not a race, and I feel very strongly that every baby develops at his or her own pace. That being said, I do think that I've overlooked some things that my babies were capable of because I thought, "Oh, their twins and their boys, so they'll probably be behind." You know what they say about assumptions, right? I've only recently realized that I need to give my babies more credit, that they are more aware than I realized. As I mentioned in another post, I was trying to teach my babies sign language, but I wasn't all that consistent about it. The only sign I regularly did was "all done" which basically looks a little bit like jazz hands. Well, a few weeks ago, one of my boys started doing "jazz hands" whenever he saw a bottle or food coming, and then started doing it whenever I came over to get him out of his crib as well. At first, I was like, "Ugh, Mommy fail! If I'd only been consistent with the other signs, he wouldn't be using this same one for everything." But, then I realized that, regardless of what sign he was using, he was trying to communicate with me, signaling to me, "I want, I want, I want." So, I thought, hey, maybe I should try and teach him and his brother a couple of other gestures like waving bye-bye and clapping. And they're doing it! I mean, they're not always doing it at the appropriate times like, say, when someone is actually going bye-bye, but they're getting there. It's hard to be consistent about all of your parenting philosophies. At least, this is what I've found, and maybe it's because I have twins, I don't know. Look at what happened to all my grand plans to practice sign language! I constantly feel like I'm not reading to them as much as I always thought I would, I'm not making ALL of my own baby food from scratch, and I've started turning on the TV in front of them and watching an entire hour-long show while they play. I had higher hopes for myself, but then I got busy with the business of being their Mom. Hey, I'll admit, the more active they've become, the harder it is to stick to some of my "rules." You can simultaneously be obsessively in love with your kids, and really need a break from them. I'm totally crazy about my little guys, and find that I'm enjoying them more and more the older they get. But sometimes, many times, Mama needs a break. At first, I felt guilty about it, like if I loved my babies enough, I wouldn't feel like I needed time away from them. But, the truth is, babies are hard work, and most Moms really need a couple of hours to regroup and just feel whole again. Running out for a pedicure or to go shopping or to have lunch with a friend revives me and gives me new energy so I can give my babies my best self. Neither you or your home look nearly as good as they used to and that's okay. I'm sorry, but I just don't have the energy to maintain myself or my home the way that I did before the babies. Many moms do and that's amazing, but even they leave the house with mashed avocado on their shirts, or have toys lying all over the house. I'll admit, I used to knock myself about it, but now I just own it. Sure, I'd like to look better and I'm working on it; I'm trying to organize our baby stuff better so it's not quite so cluttered. But, I'm done stressing about it -- nothing about me is perfect. There's no right or wrong way to raise babies. In the last nine months, I've met so many kickass Moms, both of single babies and of twins, and I can honestly say, I'm impressed with every one of them. Some of them practice attachment parenting (which, from what I've seen, is loving and low-key and takes a lot of thoughtfulness -- it's not freakish!), some believe in teaching your baby to self-soothe (I'm one of them), many breastfeed and many don't, some work full-time, some stay-at-home. I can honestly, honestly say that when I look at all of their beautiful, thriving babies, not one Mommy is better than the other, or doing better for their baby than another. I'm no expert, just an observer, and that's just what I see. Which brings me to my next point... You're an awesome Mom! Has anyone told you that? Because if not, let me tell you, you are. How do I know? Because you're on a parenting site, reading about being a Mom -- clearly, this is something you care about. More than that though, if you're like most first-time Moms, you love your babies and you're running yourself ragged trying to take the very best care of them that you can. Sure, there's going to be some study or some super-parent that will make you feel like you're doing it all wrong. Let me tell you, you're not. It's too bad your little one can't speak yet, because I guarantee that your baby would probably tell you how lucky he or she is to have you. Whenever I need a little reminder, I watch this commercial, like, five times in a row:

See this video on The Stir by CafeMom.

Happy First Mother's Day!

What are some lessons you've learned as a first-time Mom?

My Twins Wear Helmets to Reshape Their Heads

Wed, 02 May 2012 20:09:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

When my twin babies were just a few months old, we were told that both of them had flat spots on their heads, and if we didn't intervene with physical therapy, they would likely need helmets. At the time, I was really upset, convinced it was my fault for letting them nap in their carseats. I posted about it back then...and got several nasty (and misinformed) comments that did nothing to ease my new Mom guilt.

We did months of physical therapy and stretches, tried repositioning, but in the end, none of it worked -- at 7 months old, they both got DOC Band helmets to help reshape their heads. To the haters out there, no, they didn't get plagiocephaly and brachycephaly because I didn't hold them enough. They got it because they were full-term twins with large heads, lodged in my small pelvis. And sleeping on their backs didn't help. We were encouraged by two separate doctors to get our boys the helmets. And I'm so glad we did.

After the response I got several months ago, I'll admit that I was reluctant to even post about this. And when both my pediatrician and a plagiocephaly expert told me that I should get my babies the helmets now, to improve their quality of life later, I balked at first. My babies weren't going to care, but were people going to see the helmets and assume that I was a bad mother who just left her babies in their car seats for hours on end? (For the record, they did sometimes take naps in them, and I often fed them their bottles in there when I was home alone. That's not what caused it though, so...the end of that discussion.) Would they come up to me and verbally assault me the way the comment-haters had? Of course, that concern lasted all of, oh, five minutes -- in the end, I obviously care a hell of a lot more about doing the right thing for my babies, than I care about what some mean-spirited (and clearly perfect) mother has to say about my parenting.

So why did I decide to do it? Yes, it was partially for cosmetic reasons -- I didn't want my one son to grow up with one eye being noticeably lower down and smaller than the other, and I wanted my other son to be able to get a short haircut one day, without feeling like a conehead. But there were physical considerations as well. One baby's brachycephaly had created so much wideness in his head, that he wouldn't be able to wear normal bike or baseball helmets. My other boy's head was so asymmetrical that it was creating a cross-bite that would likely cause jaw problems later in life. Obviously, these are things they could live with, but I was being presented with a solution, something short-term, non-invasive, and painless that would improve their lives later. Why wouldn't I seize the opportunity? The babies don't even notice it, they certainly aren't self-conscious about it -- is it any different than getting your child braces? And, luckily for us, our insurance covered the majority of it, which was a huge help, especially with twins. Yes, the helmets are expensive!

I'm not going to lie, the first day or two were rough. Both boys were hot, they had trouble sleeping, and one of my sons ended up with a raw spot on his forehead from the friction of his helmet. I remember on that first day, one of my babies couldn't fall asleep for his nap, crying and crying because he was so overtired. As I sat there in his room, rocking him and singing to him, with tears coming down both of our faces, I kept thinking, "Why did I do this to them? Why did I do this to them? Why did I do this them?"

Sure, the doctors had said this wasn't my fault, that the problem had been created while they were still in my cramped womb. And yes, I had done my very best with the physical therapy and the repositioning and their tummy time, but was there more I should have done? Should I have just put them to sleep on their stomachs? I couldn't help but feel guilty.

But, by the second morning, they were back to their old selves, and they've been totally, 100% fine with them ever since. It's like they had no idea there was a (relatively) big white helmet on their heads. That was the other thing I was eager to do -- decorate these damn things. For a week, when I would take the boys out in their helmets, I did notice that people would look at us a little strangely, like they weren't sure what was wrong with them. People would glance over, and instead of the usual excitement over twins, they'd get noticeably uncomfortable, smile at me, and then walk away. I mean, yes, it is strange to see a little baby in a helmet, and the stark white, spacesuit quality of them made it all seem very clinical.

So, I found a local artist who actually has a whole business painting DOC Bands, for families all over the country. Yeah, we pimped their helmets, and they look awesome. We certainly still get our fair share of weird looks, but they are brightly-colored and fun -- works of art, rather than medical supplies. One boy has a race car and a racing stripe and the other has a biplane and sky-writing. I didn't want to just rush through these two or three months of their lives, ashamed or embarrassed because they were wearing helmets. I wanted to embrace and enjoy this time, as I have every other stage, and have some fun with it. So we did.

Don't get me wrong: they're a pain in the ass too. The outside is a hard shell, so it's really uncomfortable trying to snuggle their heads against your chest or try to kiss their heads. And I've gotten banged in the face quite a few times when they jolt their heads back too fast or face-dive into my face. The helmets also smell like sweaty shoes, so when we take them off for the hour before bed (when we give them their baths and dinner and bottle and all of that), their heads smell too. Early on, I asked how we could get rid of that smell, aside from the alcohol cleaning we were doing every day anyway. Apparently, nothing, so there's always an unpleasant stench before bathtime. Poor, little stinkers.

And, of course, I'll admit, they're way cuter without the helmets. In the last couple of months, they've grown all of these beautiful, light brown curls, which you can sort of see over the top of their helmets, but not really. I mean, of course, they're still cute, no matter what, because they're mine. But, I am looking forward to having them back to their full, helmet-free glory. Also, I'm not ashamed to admit that I miss the days that people would just be like, "Oh twins, so cute!" without the, "What's the deal with the headgear?" questions. Still, I much prefer that to the people who just turn away, all uncomfortable, or silently gesture to each other like, "What's that about?"

It seems like most parents with babies though know what the helmets are all about -- it's becoming more and more common, especially since the Back to Sleep campaign to prevent SIDS -- and it seems like most people know at least one baby who needed one. In the scheme of things, it's really no big deal. My babies have had them on for 11 weeks, and are "graduating" in just a few days with beautiful, normal-shaped heads. It was absolutely worth it, at the very least for the peace of mind. I wouldn't want to look back ten years from now, and wish that I had done it when I had the chance.

My advice: if you think your baby might have a pronounced flat spot, talk to your pediatrician about it before he or she is 6 months old and, if recommended, get your child evaluated. It really was worth it, and not nearly as difficult as I thought it might be. It also flew by, as it seems every month with these babies does! And I feel better knowing that, in the end, I did the very best for them.

Does your baby need a helmet or have a helmet? What has your experience with it been?

The Gifts of Fertility Treatments Far Outweigh the Risks

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 21:35:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

If you were told that conceiving a child through IVF would increase your odds of having a baby born with a birth defect, would it deter you? A recent study found that the risk was 37% higher for those babies, although researchers aren't entirely sure if it's because of the actual technology involved, if it's the hormones, or if the issues that may have led to a couple's infertility are responsible.

Regardless, this study isn't going to stop couples, desperate to have a family, from pursuing every option available to them. I needed help getting pregnant myself, and I can tell you that even in light of information like this, I would still have done everything possible to have a baby. Luckily for me, it worked, and I ended up with two healthy little guys. I say, thank God for the miracles of fertility treatments.

It took us a couple of years to finally get pregnant, and every month that went by, every time I got my period, it felt like little pieces of my once-happy soul just kept chipping away. I had never been someone who wanted a lot in life -- I just wanted a family, I wanted a baby. Why was this so much to ask?

When it became clear that this wasn't going to happen the old-fashioned away, we sought out medical help. Any risks involved were explained to me, the various procedures were explained to me, but all I wanted to hear was, "Don't worry, you're going to get pregnant." And though the doctor couldn't say definitively, he was pretty optimistic, and therefore, so was I. Had he said, "Oh, by the way, there is this increased chance that your baby may be born with a birth defect," I probably would have shut it out.

And it really wouldn't have been like sticking my head in the sand. The odds of having a child born with a birth defect are 3 in 100 for couples who conceive naturally. The odds for couples who use IVF or ICSI are 4 in 100. That's still an incredibly small number!

Anyway, I did whatever the doctor told me to do, took the drugs he told me to take, got severely depressed, shut out my friends, gained 30 pounds. And, in the end, I ended up with identical twin boys (the identical twin part was a fluke, ironically enough). As hard as it was, I would do it all over again for the gifts I have in these two beautiful boys. For their smiling faces and bright eyes and edible cheeks, hey, I would do it ten times over again!

Now, would I have felt the same if one was born with a limb not fully formed or an organ that wasn't quite what it should be? If it allowed them to live happy, relatively normal lives, absolutely. Of course, maybe that's easy for me to say, but I know and love several adults who were born with birth defects, all doing well, and the world is a better place with them in it.

Besides, let's be honest: No matter how you conceive your child, there is always a risk that something could go wrong. The vast majority of the time, our babies turn out just fine, more than fine, but it doesn't mean the risk isn't there. It doesn't stop any of us from wanting to hold our own newborn baby in our arms, nuzzle his nose, kiss his sweet cheeks. If you let fear stop you from fulfilling your dreams -- whether it's having a baby, pursuing a career goal, or moving to a new city -- there's so much you miss out on.

Did you conceive your child through fertility treatments? Would this information have changed your plans?

7 Ways to Survive Your Baby's First Cold

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 16:10:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

It's become frighteningly clear to me that making comments like, "My babies have never been sick," as I did in my last blog post on formula-feeding, are surefire ways to tempt fate and get a swift karmic kick in the ass. Yep, just a few days later, my 8-month-old boys got sick with fevers and colds, the works. (With that in mind, I should mention that I've never won the lottery. No big jackpot here, nope, never, not me.)

Anyway, while I thought I was pretty well prepared for my babies to get sick -- you know, armed with the infant care kit I got when I was still pregnant -- I really wasn't. Our medicine cabinet was lacking, my general knowledge was lacking, and I emotionally was not at all ready to watch my babies cry and snarf and sneeze their way through their first real colds. It taught me a few things, that's for sure...

If your babies have already gotten sick, then this is all probably old, obvious information to you. But for those of you who have yet to deal with your first whimpering sniffles, here's what I learned:

Know the right medicine dosage: As soon as my little guy's fever spiked, I called the pediatrician to find out what I should do. Since it was early afternoon, I was able to reach him and find out what medicine to give, how often, what amount, and other ways to bring my baby's fever down. Had his 103 temp hit in the middle of the night though, I wouldn't have been totally confident about how much medicine to give him, if I even should, if I needed to keep him warm or cool. And, yes, although I do write for the Internet, I refuse to rely on it as a medical source. Since a baby's fever tends to spike in the late afternoon and evening, you may not be able to reach your doctor right away. So, it seems to me that the safest bet is to keep acetaminophen on hand and ibuprofen (if your baby is over 6 months), and get a dosing chart or guidance from your doctor when your baby is still well. Our doctor believes it's best to treat a baby's fever, but many pediatricians think if it's under a certain degree, you should let the fever run its course. It's good to know ahead of time where your doctor stands on that, and gauge your own feelings about it when you're not holding your poor, sick, miserable baby in your arms. Have a reliable thermometer on hand: When I could feel the heat coming off of my poor boy's cheeks and forehead, I grabbed the digital thermometer from aforementioned infant care kit. What a piece of crap! The numbers were all over the place, my guy would not hold still as I tried to stick it under his arm, and it turned out, with the underarm reading, I had to assume his temperature was a whole degree higher. Yes, I could have gone the, er, rectal route, but if the little guy wouldn't let that thing under his arm, then how was I going to get it up his butt? Besides, the damn thing was jumping around with every reading. Screw that, my baby was burning up. So I went out to the drugstore and spent $30 on one of those ear thermometers which gave me an instant reading, without all the squirming. Of course, it was so cool, I then became obsessed with it and was taking their temperature like every hour. Keep a cool mist humidifier clean and ready: We've had one since the little guys were born, but ours had been in the closet since before Christmas. So the filter was nasty, the inside needed a good cleaning -- it just wasn't ready for use. So, in the midst of my little guys shnookling and crying, I was replacing the filter and giving that thing a thorough scrubbing. It definitely is a lifesaver during the night when they're most miserable and congested. Try the Nose Frida: When my babies were about four months old, teething had them all mucuousy and stuffed up, so I tried the Nose Frida to clear them up. Basically, it's a tube with a filter that allows you to literally suck the snot out of your baby's nose. Yes, you do gross things for love. Unfortunately, these days, my little guys won't let me near their nostrils with that thing, but it works twenty times better than those nasal aspirators they might have given you at the hospital. So, I highly recommend at least giving it a try. If your baby will sit still, it's totally gratifying. If he won't, you can at least try to suck out some snot on the fly. I keep trying to pull fast ones on my guys -- something is better than nothing. Keep your baby hydrated: Fever or no fever, your baby may not want the breast, the bottle, or food. But, it's important that they at least get the milk they need to stay hydrated and nourished. When my guys weren't finishing their bottles, I'd wait a bit, and then offer them more later. Small doses seemed to do the trick. When all else fails, give your baby a bath: There were a couple of days there where both boys were just so uncomfortable and miserable, crying and wailing and both needing to be held. Unfortunately, I'm one Mommy with two babies, and in their sicky state, they didn't feel like sharing me. Not fun, people, not fun! Finally, I decided to put them in the one place (aside from Mommy's arms) that I know makes them happy: the bath! When they were feverish, I kept the bath water tepid and sponged them with the cooling water. But, when their fevers were gone and they were just all bummed out and shnookly, I'd first let the hot water run for a little bit beforehand to get a good steam going in the bathroom. Then, I'd get the water to a comfortable temperature, and put my little guys in. Seriously, it was a miracle! They went from sad little guys to baby mermen, splashing all around. And the high lasted for a good hour or so after -- sweet! Be prepared to be a bigger wussy than your babies. You think a cold is no big deal, and maybe can handle illness just fine when you're the sick one. But when your baby looks at you with his big, watery, sad, red eyes, and snot is coming out of his nose and he's rubbing his little fists furiously against his nose, with that face like, "Mommy, what's haaaaaaaappening?!" you can actually physically feel your heart breaking. No joke, I've had chest pains for almost two weeks. And, I think I've cried more in the last few days than they have. Hey, at least I didn't cry in front of them, right? Regardless, it's clear I need to buck up because this is certainly not the last time they're going to get sick, and we're going to likely see much worse than this. But, as my friends with older kids tell me, it's never, ever easy watching your little ones sick, no matter how old they are, whether it's their first cold or their 100th. So, I survived this rite of passage, a little tougher and better prepared for when the next cold or fever or flu hits.

What's your best advice for when your baby gets sick?

I Won't Apologize for Formula-Feeding My Babies

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 00:01:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Recently, a study found that formula-fed babies don't necessarily overeat, as had previously been thought -- many do know how to stop when they've had enough. It's good to know and I'm glad, but regardless of what this study or that study or a million other studies say, it wouldn't have changed the fact that my twin babies are formula-fed.

That's not to say that I didn't breastfeed at all. I did, for several months, but with my low milk supply, I needed to supplement with formula from the very beginning. Still, I kept at it -- I nursed and pumped like a madwoman, trying to squeeze out (no pun intended) whatever meager amount of breast milk I could. After three months though, I was barely getting four ounces a day, so I decided to move to formula only. And I don't feel one ounce of guilt about it.

Obviously, I know that breast is best, which is why I did it for as long as I could. And I loved it, I really did. Well, that's not entirely true. I wasn't crazy about tandem-feeding, which felt complicated and awkward, but I loved the rare moments when I got to feed just one of my baby sons at a time. Heaven. But, when they started wailing on my breast because they weren't getting enough milk, or I'd pump for 20 minutes just to get two ounces, I felt frustrated and sad and inadequate. I was so happy to be able to give them the breast milk that I had for the first few months of their new lives, but when I finally switched to formula, life got a whole lot easier. No, I didn't stop nursing because I had twins -- there are plenty of moms in my twins group who are still exclusively breastfeeding without issue. I simply just didn't make enough milk to feed my two babies. End of story.

Sure, many studies have proven just how much better breast milk is for babies. And I don't deny that! But this is my reality, these are my babies, and I'm not going to waste any time beating myself up because I can't nurse them anymore. Come on, I beat myself up enough as it is.

Mainly though, the proof is in the pudding, the "pudding" being my scrumptious, healthy baby boys. Knock on wood, they are growing and thriving and happy as can be. They've never been sick (even when Mommy has gotten sick herself), they are handling a variety of foods without issue, rolling all over the place, and babbling like two old biddies at a bridge game. Although they're average height and weight, they have big, pink chubby cheeks and roly-poly thighs that make them look pretty robust. No, I'm not going to feel badly about feeding them formula because I can't imagine them doing any better than they already are. Not to mention the fact that my brother and I were never breastfed and, growing up, we rarely had to stay home sick from school. Of course, maybe that's all just genetics, but how can I think that formula is so bad when I was weaned on it myself?

Study after study tells us what's "best" for our babies and, in an ideal world, we want to give it to them. But, I say, screw the studies! In real life, not lab life, babies thrive in all sorts of "less-than-ideal" environments, becoming happy, well-adjusted little people despite the fact that they weren't breastfed or spent too much time in the baby jumper or were sleep trained. Somehow, a lot of babies turn into remarkable children and adults, despite the fact that Mommy works full-time or they don't have a Daddy or a sibling or a backyard.

Want to know why? Because a baby who is loved and cared for is already getting the best. A baby with a happy Mommy and a happy Daddy (or two of each) is already getting the best. A baby whose family is making choices for him or her based on their lifestyle and what works for them is already getting the best. Love, care, patience, joy, affection. I don't think anything could be better for a baby than that.

Do you feel guilty about giving your babies formula?

Raising a Baby Isn't a Race

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:40:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

This week, my twin boys turned 8 months old, and as I dressed them up for their month-by-month picture, I found myself tearing up, wondering how they got so big, so fast, and wishing it would all just slow down.

A few days earlier, I had gotten into a conversation with another Mom at a party, who kept bombarding me with questions about what my babies were doing, in comparison to her own baby son. Are they crawling? Little Johnny is pulling to stand. Do they have teeth? Oh, Little Johnny has top and bottom. Do they understand words? We're teaching Little Johnny "no." Now, maybe this woman was trying to do a little Mommy one-upping with me, which is totally fine -- I know my guys will crawl and get teeth and, wow, even walk one day, even if it's a little later than their peers. But, so what? Is this a race? Because I'm in no rush!

When your child finally takes his first few steps or says his first word, it's a proud moment. As it should be! Some babies do it sooner, some do it later. Either way, it doesn't mean your baby is smarter or not as bright, he won't be more athletic or more of a slug, it doesn't make him better or worse. With the exception of serious delays, it pretty much just is what it is. It shouldn't be a source of competition for parents, and yet, it so often is.

The reality is, you can't really control how quickly or slowly your baby develops -- all you can do is give him or her the tools to reach their milestones. So when parents get anxious about their baby's timeline, or worse, push them to do more than they're capable of because they're trying to one-up, they're really just doing a disservice to their children, and to themselves.

Because a lot happens in the days and weeks between milestones. If you're in a rush for your own baby to get to the next stage because Little Johnny or Baby Sue is already crawling or walking or speaking Mandarin, you're going to miss out on all the fun things happening right now. I'm enjoying watching my little guys roll from one corner to the next, I love seeing their little knees scoot up underneath them as they try to figure out how to scooch their bodies forward. I don't think they're quite near figuring out this crawling thing yet, but seeing them work at it is a pleasure all its own.

And, I've got to be honest, once they're really on-the-move, I'm going to have my hands full. Two babies, going two different directions, maybe towards electrical cords or shards of glass or a jar of pennies...on opposite sides of the room! (Of course, I'm kidding -- I'll be sure to keep the shards of glass on a high shelf.) My point being, once they start really crawling, then standing, then cruising, then walking, we can't go backwards.

They're still at the age where they'll snuggle in Mommy's arms, but over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed it's for shorter and shorter periods of time. They're becoming even more curious, more willful, more motivated to explore. Even when they reach for me, they cuddle for, oh, five seconds, until they're ready to get back on the ground and play some more. I can only imagine how boring I'll be once they've learned to crawl over to their own toy box...or that jar of pennies.

And no, they don't have teeth yet -- so what? These days of gummy smiles are short-lived, their excessively-drooly mouths on my cheeks won't be forever. And yes, maybe their lack of teeth makes me a little more hesitant to give them finger foods just yet, but again, so what? They'll have the rest of their childhood to shove Cheerios in their mouth and scatter them all over the floor -- what's another month or two of purees and soft fruits?

I've always said that I want my children to be brave, to be independent, to be curious about the world and eager to explore it. That's still true. I'm giving them plenty of floor time and reading to them and taking them out where I talk to them about what we see. I'm certainly not trying to hold them back. But, at the same time, I'm savoring their babyhood -- their toothless grins and roly-poly deliciousness, the way they open up their mouths like little birds, waiting for their pacifier or a spoonful of avocado. I love watching the two of them roll all over the floor in just their diapers, babbling at each other and laughing, squashing their faces into the carpet with glee. I love how they reach for me and still need me, how they'll rub their eyes and then nuzzle their faces against my chest when they're sleepy.

I wish I could just stop time, or at least slow it down. I know that I can't keep them babies forever, and I know that it will just get better (possibly with a hellish phase when they're 2 and 3). But I'm going to enjoy the right now, and not look ahead, wondering when they're going to crawl or get teeth or say their first words. It's all on the horizon, and all happening so so so quickly. Again, I'm in no rush.

Are you anxious for your baby to reach his or her milestones early? Or are you okay with sitting back and waiting?

Babies Need to Know Their Place in the House

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:40:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

With twin baby boys on the verge of crawling, I decided to finally have a baby-proofing guy over to talk to me about making my house safe for little ones on the move. Apparently, the fact that I have twins means I'm in for some double trouble (ha, ha, ha...sigh), and I want to make sure I'm not missing any potential death traps. That's why I called in the expert.

Anyway, as we walked around the house, he started talking to me about what rooms I was going to allow my boys to have free reign of, and which would be totally off-limits. He explained to me that about half of his families give their babies access to the whole house, while the other half has designated baby-friendly rooms. Well, I'm firmly in the second camp! There's no way in hell I'm letting my babies overrun the entire house, mainly because I don't have an extra set of eyes to track the roaming twin, but also because Mama wants some grown-up space of her own.

First, let's look at this from a safety perspective. When I'm hanging out in the kitchen, say, stir-frying some vegetables in crackling oil, why, why, why would I want two little babies all pulling and tugging and crawling underfoot? Of course, they eat in the kitchen, and as of now, seem perfectly content banging toys against their highchair tray and dropping sippy cups off the side. They don't have to be at knee-level!

Not to mention the fact that it's impossible to keep every inch of my house safe for them. I mean, the hardwood floor is, well, hard and I can't keep them from falling down on it. The walls are, again, hard, and once my little guys are walking, I can't stop them from tripping on their wobbly legs and banging into them. But, some things -- like the outlets and the wires and the sharp edges and the choking hazards -- are much easier to monitor if I'm dealing with just two contained rooms. That doesn't mean they won't still hurt themselves, but the less space I have to worry about, the better.

And, let me be honest, there are just some rooms that I don't wanna mess with. Like, the living room. Do I really want to cover all of the furniture and get rid of the lamps and the photo albums and the beautiful glass vases and decorative wedding gifts until our kids are, I don't know, ten? No, no I don't. Maybe, one of these days, I'd like to start having friends over again, and maybe, just maybe I'll want a room where the furniture isn't dotted with banana mush and I'm not digging pacifiers out between sofa cushions. I wasn't allowed in our living room as a baby or toddler, and not because it was some museum-quality space, but because I was a pint-sized disaster-maker!

Still, the biggie for me is the bedroom. I know that a lot of parents co-sleep and have a family bed and all of that and I think that's great. But, we're not that kind of family. Sure, we will bring the babies into bed with us sometimes, but for the most part, our bedroom is our sanctuary. At least for now, and hopefully for as long as we can keep it that way. At the end of a long day, this is where my husband and I reconnect, this is the room where it's just about us. And let's be honest, nothing's ever about us anymore and sometimes, it should be. Having babies has changed our lives for the better, for the SO much better, but it's hard for us to have the kind of quality time with each other that we used to have. The least we can do is try to make sure our bedroom stays a grown-up zone.

My relationship aside though, the bedroom is my place for alone time. It's where I work, it's where I read a book, it's where I take a nap. If I start letting my little guys play in there while I'm putting away laundry or taking a shower, then it starts to become their space as well and that's not what I want, for me or for them.

Babies and children need boundaries, they need their parents to set limits, they need to get used to hearing "no" because they're going to hear plenty of that once they get to preschool and beyond. It's not like I'm baby-proofing by saying, "This is Mommy and Daddy's room and you can't come in!" I'm simply setting aside space in the house that's totally safe for them, where I don't have to watch them like a hawk. That doesn't mean they won't spend time in our bedroom or in the living room, but when it happens, it will be with full supervision.

Of course, I realize that in just a couple of years, our entire house will be my children's playground, where couches will become trampolines, our dog will become a pony, and a blank wall will look like a crayon-friendly canvas. But for now, while I can still gate my little guys in, I'm going to appreciate that modern floor lamp and the Italian glass vase in my living room. I'm going to make lunch with my little guys happily banging away in their highchairs, two feet off the ground. And while my babies are napping, I'm going to retreat to my quiet, peaceful bedroom and read a magazine or watch reality TV in my own safe place.

Do you still keep some "adult" spaces in your home? Or are your babies free to play and roam in every room of your house?

Image via Elizabeth/Table4Five/Flickr

New Motherhood Has Made Me Frumpy and That's OK

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 10:27:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

When I was pregnant, I was convinced that just a few months after the babies were born, I'd be back to my fighting weight, all trim and toned and better than ever. So what if I might never have time to work out -- just carrying them would turn my flabby ham hock arms into lean, mean, Michelle Obama-style machines, duh. And, I'd be so busy with the twins that I'd barely eat, right? And I guess that I'd also decided that once I was a hot, skinny MILF (forget that I've never ever been skinny), I'd buy a whole new wardrobe with all of the extra cash I would have after caring, feeding and diapering two babies.

Now, for some strange reason, none of this actually happened -- I still have lots of baby weight to lose, sweats are my style staple, and I consistently seem to have mysterious orange stains on whatever raggedy T-shirt I'm wearing. So, yeah, I guess you could say that I've officially let myself go. No, I'm not proud of it, and yet, I just can't seem to make it stop.

All of you new Moms that still manage to go to the gym and blow-dry your hair and shave your legs, go right ahead and judge! I mean, really, how could I argue? What's so hard about washing my hair? Who told me to buy eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies? Can't I seem to find one T-shirt that doesn't have a hole in it? What about my poor husband who has to come home to Ida Schmutz-a-lot every night?

I can't even seem to get it right when I'm going out either. Sure, I'll do a smoky eye thing with my makeup, wear jeans without an elastic waistband, maybe even slip on some heels. I'll twirl my freshly-washed hair, smile coquettishly at my husband, fiddle with the dangly earrings I never get to wear. Then, I get home and realize that those skinny jeans I squeezed into have a hole in the inner thigh and that cleverly draped (read: forgiving) black top has a white milk stain on the shoulder. Damn you, motherhood -- foiled again!

I keep telling myself that I should go shopping, get myself some new garb, even if it's just a few new pairs of stretchy pants and some clean T-shirts. But, then I'd actually have to, like, get in the car, drive to a store, and squeeze my flabby tummy into double-digit jeans and tops -- uh, no thanks! I also probably need to accept that my feet are never going to shrink back down to pre-pregnancy size, and buy myself some shoes that actually fit. My flip-flops could definitely use the break.

Did I mention I haven't cut my hair in over a year? Yes, that's right, a year, probably more! Okay, to be fair, I'm actually donating it, but I reached the requisite 8-10 inches, like, six months ago. I look like Crystal Gale! Oh, see, right there? Even that reference dates me, so now I'm not only disheveled, but old and out-of-touch too. Waaaaaaaah.

In all seriousness, yes, I'm bummed out about how I look these days. I swear, I think I looked better when I was pregnant. But, at the same time, this belly flab is a reminder of the two healthy babies I carried in my tummy for nine months. That orange stain on my shirt is from lunchtime, when my 8-month-old son decided to blow raspberries at me through a mouthful of carrots, the three of us (including his twin) laughing the whole time. And if I can't seem to find time (or energy) to get out and shop, it's because I'm busy with two vibrant, funny, joyful babies who grow and change and learn and surprise me every minute of the day.

I'm not making excuses, especially because I know that many, many women are able to take care of their children and themselves. And I envy them, I totally do, and wish I was more like that. I know my current state of disarray isn't permanent, and when it's important enough to me, I will pull myself together. I'm taking care of my health and I definitely give myself breaks to get a pedicure or have lunch with a friend, but right now, my appearance doesn't seem to be a priority. I'll get there, I have no doubt. And in the meantime, I'm just grateful to have a loving and understanding husband.

Do you feel like you've lost your mojo since having a baby?

Image via Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com/Flickr

5 Baby Sign Language Basics You Should Learn

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 19:07:00 EDT

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Before having babies of my own, I was fascinated by a friend's baby son who was able to communicate when he was hungry or sleepy with just a few simple gestures. Later, that kid went on to become one of the most verbal little tykes I'd ever met, and I decided that I too would one day teach my babies sign language.

So, here we are, several years later, and I'm trying to do some baby sign language with my 7-month-old twins. I mean, it's going to be awhile until they're signing back, or until I even know that all my hand waving and cow-milking is getting through, but I'm sticking with it!

Some small studies have shown that babies who are taught sign language learn to talk sooner, they're more verbal, and may even have higher IQs. Whether you believe all that or not, at the very least, we know that sign language can help your child communicate his needs before he has the words to do so, helping to minimize frustrations and mini-meltdowns. The key, from what I've heard, is to make sure you're verbally speaking the word along with the sign, so that they put the two together.

My little dudes are really big babblers, and I just know they're trying to tell us something. Just the other day, while we were feeding them their breakfast, my husband and I swore we heard our baby say, "Oh yeah, oh yeah," in between bites. And while they're sitting in their highchairs, watching me mix up all of their pureed deliciousness, they'll often make this "mwa-mwa-mwa" noise which, I think, loosely translates to, "Gimme, gimme, gimme."

Like I said, I'm not totally sure they're getting it just yet. I guess I should mention that with the exception of the signs for "Mommy" and "Daddy," most of the signs we're using have to do with their food. And, I'm admittedly starting to get a little concerned that they may be seeing our gestures as more annoying than anything else. For example, when they finish their bottle (in seconds flat, thanks to the level 3 nipple) and we signal, "all done," they actually cry for a good thirty seconds after. Or, when I stop in the middle of their squash feeding to ask, "more?" it's usually met with a hysterical cry like, "Why are you stopping, woman?! Quit it with the stupid hand gestures and just feed me!" So, I'm really, really hoping that my boys aren't seeing all this weird gesticulating as some, "neener-neener-neener" taunting by their big, mean Mommy. Sigh.

Still, this baby sign language is easy to do, and if it can help improve my babies' speech as they get older, than why not? Here are a few basic signs that are worth doing with your baby, courtesy of BabySignLanguage.com. As I mentioned earlier, be sure to say the word when you're signalling so that your baby learns both:

Mommy/Daddy: Hold your hand open with the fingers splayed, your pinkie facing forward. For "Mommy," tap your thumb to your chin a few times. For "Daddy," tap your forehead a few times.

Milk: Before offering your little one the breast or bottle, take your hand and do a squeezing gesture as though you're milking a cow's udder.

Food or Eat: When giving your baby food, hold the fingers and thumb of one hand together and put it to your lips a few times. Ultimately, this will allow your baby to tell you when he is hungry.

More: Make each hand into an "O" shape using your fingers and thumbs. Touch your left and right fingertips together a few times. When your baby hasn't had quite enough, she will let you know with this signal.

All Done: Let your baby know there's no more with this gesture. Later, when your baby is full, he will do this signal himself. Hold both hands up, palms facing in, then turn your hands so that the palms are facing out. Do this same motion a few times.

Do you practice baby sign language with your little one?

A Letter to My Old Friend Sleep

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 06:49:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Dear Sleep,

Hello there, old friend -- I miss the hell out of you. Since I had the babies, things just haven't been the same between us and ... yes, yes, I knew this was going to happen, but still, I guess I hoped that it would be different for us. I mean, we're Sleep and Jenny, Jenny and Sleep -- there hasn't been a better pair since PB and J. So, I thought maybe we'd beat the odds. But, alas, you and me? We're never going to be what we were.

I know what you're going to say. Yes, I realize that our relationship is so much better than it was a few months ago. But, call me selfish or greedy, I want more, I do. I want like 7 or 8 uninterrupted hours of your time. I want you to be there for me at 4 a.m. when my baby's, "Help, I'm trapped on my tummy!" wails leave me wired and unable to drift back into your comforting arms. Why, oh why, can't things be like they used to be?

I'm going to be honest with you: I often dream of spending a long weekend alone together, just you and me, all cozy in a fancy hotel room. Oh, who am I kidding? At this point, I'd settle for a few hours in a motel ... I'll bring my own sheets. That's the thing I always loved about our relationship -- it was so simple, uncomplicated, drama-free. But now, it's all unreliable and inconsistent and even stressful at times.

And, I've got to be honest: I think you're getting in the way of my marriage. First of all, I'm jealous of what you and my husband still have. When I hear a baby babbling in the middle of the night, I'll look over and see you and my hubby, all blissful and dreamy, and think, "Damn you with your Daddy-hearing!" Or, in the early morning, when I'm dragging myself out of bed to go get the babies, and I see the two of you all snuggled up, snoozing away, I can't help but be resentful. Really though, I think it's just that I wish I could crawl back into bed and join you.

You also have pretty crappy timing these days, I must say. Oh no, when it's 3 a.m., you're nowhere to be found. But, at 8:30, just when my hubby and I have finally settled in to watch one of our favorite shows, that's when you decide to stop by? So, instead of getting some good quality time in with my husband, I'm passed out under a blanket. And then my husband innocently asks, "Why are you so tired?" and I snap at him, something about how I wake up every hour because even our dog's high-pitched snore often sounds like a baby in distress. Thanks for that, Sleep, thanks.

I know that I need to do a better job of making time for you too, I know. And I have thought about it. When the babies are napping, I think it would be a good time to reconnect. Only, inevitably, something more important comes up, like, laundry or eating lunch or ... Bethenny on my DVR. And then, before you know it, one of my little guys is up and the moment has passed.

I think, maybe, you deserve to be with someone younger, someone free of responsibilities. I'm not saying that she would appreciate you more, because God knows, I really, really, really do value you, now more than ever! But, I think maybe some pretty young thing might have more time for you. Just remember, she will never, ever love you like I do ... until she has a couple of kids of her own.

Anyway, Sleep, it was nice while it lasted. Don't worry -- this isn't the end. I imagine in about, oh, 18 years, we'll start seeing a lot more of each other. For now though, I think I need to just accept things how they are. Sigh. I guess you never really know what you had until it's gone.

Do you ever fantasize about getting even one night of deep sleep?

Image via comedy_nose/Flickr

New Moms Need to Encourage Moms-to-Be

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 06:57:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

When I was pregnant with my twins, it felt like I was constantly getting approached by well-meaning strangers, eager to share their advice for my impending motherhood. For the most part, it was all snuggly baby stories and "cherish every moment" kind of talk, but there were definitely those who went all doom-and-gloom on me, who just felt compelled to let me know that I was in for it, that the next three (or eighteen!) years were going to be hell, that having twins is a nightmare.

"Uhhhh, thanks?" I would say, although in my head I kept reminding myself that, like most things in life, the challenges of new motherhood might come down to perception. I decided to stay positive because what else were my choices? And I made a pact with myself that, when I was a new Mom, I would be sure to be encouraging to expectant parents rather than burst their bubble. So far, so good ...

Just yesterday I was in Costco with the twins when ... okay, wait, I know that you're thinking, "Why would you bring a double stroller into Costco on the weekend, crazy pants?" My answer: because it's my happy place and I want to share that joy with my children. Anyway, so while we were there, a couple came up to us and told me they were expecting twins in September. I did a little dance of joy for them and then started right in on how wonderful it is to be the parents of twins. Granted, maybe the sample-eating euphoria was going to my head, but I found myself saying things like, "If the twins are your first, you really don't know any better, so it's really not so hard." And then, "The newborn stage passes quickly and then it gets so much easier." Followed by, "If you get them on the same schedule, it will be a breeze." And finally, "The twin babies I know seem to be the most chill, I think because they know they have to share Mommy's attention."

After running down the products they had to buy, again reiterating the importance of a schedule from the start, and I think doing another happy dance, I gave these strangers my email address and encouraged them to contact me with any questions over the next seven months. As my hubby and I walked away, he started laughing at my "yippee, twinsies!" enthusiasm. I mean, wasn't I just complaining that morning about how exhausted I was with their tandem crankiness?

But, these expectant parents don't need to know that! They're already stressed and scared and planning ahead, enough that they're asking a stranger about her double stroller when they're only 10 weeks along. No, no, when approached by a pregnant woman, total, unwavering honesty just isn't what she needs to hear. Let someone else be the bearer of bad news. You, you should tell her all the good stuff she has to look forward to! Be her beacon of sunshine! Tell her it's going to be okay! Keep her feeling positive!

When I was about eight months pregnant, my husband came home from work and shared with me how a co-worker with twins was going on and on about how hellish the first couple of years are. She said, no joke, "Your life is going to suck until they're about three." I immediately decided this woman must just be a sad sack to begin with because, hello, who shares that? It's like telling someone your horrible labor story, but worse since she was clearly talking about 26,280 hours of hell. So, instead of taking it to heart, I reached out to a friend with older twins of her own, who had been totally Princess Positive about my pregnancy and my upcoming life with two babies. She eased my fears and told me exactly what I needed to hear: that life with twins is special and unique and, nah, not that hard. She concurred that this other woman was clearly just a sad sack and that my twin Mommy experience was going to be just as magical as hers.

So, sure, I definitely had some post-baby blues, I felt overwhelmed and tired and unable to cope. But, the last seven months have also been un-freakin-believably awesome and amazing and heart-filling and life-changing in every joyful way. When it's hard, it's hard, but it gets easier and you figure it out and every day it gets better. That's the truth that new Moms really need to hear, and that's what I'm going to tell them.

What positive advice did you get while you were pregnant? Did people's happy stories make a difference?

Image via JessicaLindsay04/Flickr

Pediatricians Should Be Allowed to "Fire" Patients

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 08:35:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

Vaccinations are a tricky issue for many new parents. Despite all of the scientific evidence out there, there still seems to be some anecdotal evidence -- friend-of-a-friend kinds of stories -- that leave many parents panicked about allowing their babies and toddlers to be vaccinated.

But it seems that those parents who are refusing to allow their child to be vaccinated against potentially life-threatening diseases are now getting some push-back from their pediatricians. In fact, according to studies published last year, more and more doctors are starting to "fire" patients for refusing vaccinations. Obviously this raises some ethical issues: Should a doctor be allowed to say "see ya" to a patient who doesn't agree with him or her? In my opinion, hell yeah! But, hear me out ...

It's a doctor's job to protect your child against illness, not just to heal your baby after he gets sick. If you're not willing to heed his advice or recommendations, especially when that decision could not only harm your child but, potentially, put any other baby or child he comes into contact with at risk, then how can the doctor do his or her job?

But, you're the parent and you're the one who really has your child's best interests in mind. Whether or not you choose to get your child vaccinated is really your decision and, ultimately, yours alone. You have to do what feels right for you. Hey, I'll be honest, vaccinations make me uncomfortable, they do. I know better, and yet, I worry about those shots overwhelming their tiny immune systems. So, we stagger vaccinations and my little guys only get one shot a month.

I respect my pediatrician though and I trust him. It could be because he was my childhood pediatrician, so we have a history. But mostly, it's because he's a little "old school" and a little "new school." He's totally fine with the fact that I formula-feed now, but encouraged me to breastfeed for as long as I could, ideally at least three months (and I did until my already-meager milk supply started to diminish). He thinks dirt and germs boost a babies' immune system, but he recommends organic, all-natural products to soothe teething and gas pain. He advised us not to introduce solids until our babies were at least 6 months, and then encouraged us to only buy organic baby food and to start with veggies first. He believes in sleep training, but not until your baby is a certain age or weight.

Point being, Doc and I are on the same page! We're in agreement on the best way to care for my babies, and when I disagree, he's willing to listen and talk to me about my concerns. It's a healthy, trusting, working relationship. If you don't have that with your doctor, then I say, dump the guy (or girl) before he dumps you! You shouldn't have to sit there arguing with the person you rely on for your child's health and well-being -- parenting is hard enough as it is without having to defend your choices to your doctor. Just find a pediatrician you do click with. End of story. There are plenty of fish in the sea. The best ones aren't taken. You deserve to be with The One. Okay, enough relationship metaphors.

So, yes, I understand and agree with pediatricians "firing" patients who won't heed their advice because it frees up parents to go find a doctor that they do click with. I will say that I think new parents could avoid all of that drama though if they interview pediatricians when they're still pregnant, and ask those doctors how they feel about breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding, vaccinations, and other issues. I met with a few doctors before having my babies -- a couple that I really liked, one that I hated -- and ultimately decided that my own pediatrician was the guy whose philosophies best matched mine. That way, I knew ahead of time where my doctor stood on important health issues, so that we can work together to take the best possible care of my babies.

Have you had to break up with your pediatrician? Have you been "dumped" by one?

Image via Truthout.org/Flickr

Don't Let Milestone Expectations Panic You

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 08:18:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

While I was pregnant, I heard many times that twins were always just a smidge behind other kids when it came to hitting their milestones. Knowing this, I swore that I wouldn't let it make me crazy, that I would be totally cool if they were the last of their friends to roll or crawl or walk.

And then, there I was in my twins' group, watching as all of these twosomes who were the same age as my boys -- many preemies -- were rolling all over the place, pushing up their chests, and even showing signs that they were ready to crawl. Meanwhile, my boys would only occasionally roll in one direction (different directions, I should add) and seemed to show no interest in moving at all. Of course, I couldn't help but panic a little. Were my boys just lazy? Was something wrong with them? Should I be concerned?

As if that wasn't enough, I had started one of my little babies in physical therapy again for torticollis, a condition in which the neck muscle is a little tight on one side, creating a head tilt. It's common in twins and not a big deal, if you do the physical therapy and are diligent about doing the stretching exercises at home. But, our physical therapist, as physical therapists often do, was quick to remind me of all of the things my 6-month-old wasn't doing. He's not as strong as he should be, he should be rolling to the right more, he should be pushing up, he should be sitting unassisted. Should be, should be, should be. When you sit there listening to all of the things your baby isn't doing that he "should be," you can't help but let the panic set in. Why isn't he stronger? Is it because he's chubby? I thought he was getting enough tummy time, but maybe he should have gotten more. What does it all meaaaaaaaaan?!

Well, as I found out, literally, just a few days after that appointment, it all meant a whole lotta nothing. Within the last few weeks, both of my twins have started rolling both ways with ease, and one can even sit up unassisted. Boo-ya! Sure, maybe it's a little later than a lot of their peers, but so what, they got there!

Still, I'm going to have to remember this over the next several months, and maybe for the years to come. My babies may crawl and stand and walk later than their peers as well. Their large heads and chubby bodies certainly aren't going to help with that either. But I'm going to have to have faith that they'll ultimately hit their milestones.

What I'm realizing as a first-time Mom, and especially one with two babies, is that you can't help but compare your little ones to their peers. It's not so much that you want them to be "better" -- you just want them to be normal, on track. What I'm also realizing now though is how quickly things change. Like, they change every day! One minute I was thinking my lazy baby was never going to roll, and now he's flipping and flopping all over like a man-baby on a mission.

A friend of mine told me a story about how she was so anxious for her daughter's 6-month pediatrician visit because the baby hadn't rolled in either direction yet, mostly because she absolutely hated tummy time. So, as my Mom friend is standing there, telling the doctor that her little girl hadn't started rolling yet, her doctor interrupted her and said, "Oh, you mean, like that?" My friend turned around to see her daughter rolling all the way across the table (don't worry, the nurse was with her).

My point being that things change really quickly with babies and they learn quickly, one skill building on the next in record time. So, try not to panic if your baby isn't doing what he or she is "supposed to be doing" at 6 months or 8 months or a year, whatever those magic ages are. Your doctor will let you know if there's really cause for concern, but come tomorrow, your baby will likely be doing things you never thought he or she would do.

Have you let milestone panic get you down?

Kids' Food Habits Don't Start When They're Babies

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 20:24:00 EST

Post by Jenny Benjamin

A couple of weeks ago, I started feeding my babies solid foods -- pureed, goopy vegetables that they slurp off of a spoon. And then, wouldn't you know it, a new study came out that suggests that spoon-fed babies are more likely to become overweight, as opposed to babies who practice "baby-led weaning," where they feed themselves pieces of softened veggies, fruits and grains.

Okay, good to know, and I respect the concept: babies should learn how to guide their own eating. But, here's my thing: I don't wanna give my 6-month-old baby a stick of boiled zucchini. Call me neurotic, but the idea of my new, toothless eaters choking scares the bejesus out of me! And here's the other thing: all of these studies on babies and eating habits, with conflicting information and then new info and then old info again -- ack, it's making my head spin! So, at this point, I'm not buying it anymore. Nope, despite what the "studies" say, I don't believe that food issues start when you're a baby.

Now, let me be clear: I'm a reasonably smart, educated person who definitely does my research. But not every study has merit, and even ones that do, aren't always true across the board. Even this study was done on just 155 children, and it wasn't that all of the spoon-fed children were overweight. No, just more of that group were than those in the "baby-led weaning" group. Well, alright. Apparently the real issue is that when you spoon-feed your baby, you're not always paying attention to their cues, so they might develop more of a propensity to overeat because they're being "programmed" to have one more bite, one more bite. I have a simple solution, and one that was already suggested to me by my pediatrician: when they turn away from the food or become more interested in the spoon than the peas, stop feeding them.

I'll admit that my own babies are chubby -- beautiful, roly-poly cuddle muffins that get the recommended 28 ounces of milk a day. They were born about 5.5 pounds apiece and now they're big and healthy, all of which happened long before I introduced solid foods. Are they going to be chubby for life? I don't know, but if so, I highly doubt it's going to be because I fed them pureed squash instead of the whole, stick form. They are healthy, thriving babies who drink their bottles and are enjoying their mashed-up veggies and that's enough for me!

Of course, it makes logical, practical sense to offer your children a variety of healthy foods, hoping to help them develop a taste for veggies and fruits. But, as I'm sure many parents can attest, just because your child loved spinach as a baby doesn't mean that he's now jonesing for it as an after-school snack. Maybe some kids do, and that's awesome, but I don't think it's because their parents cycled green veggies back into their babies' diets every three days. For the most part, it seems our taste preferences are mostly biological.

Case in point: My brother and I were both weaned on rice cereal and pureed veggies and formula and ate it all...as babies. As young kids though, I still enjoyed fruits and veggies, even fish, while my brother would only eat junk food. They just could not get him to eat the good stuff. My parents were obsessed with only eating healthy foods, so our house was stocked with bran and fruit and vegetables that I was encouraged to eat, while my brother got to snack on chips and cookies. So, when I went to a friend's house, I would go to town on their Oreos and ice cream like a child on crack. As I got older, I started to develop issues with food, sneaking candy when I could, not stopping at just one slice of pizza. To this day, I can't seem to stop when I'm eating junk food -- my "full" switch just does not click on. Meanwhile, my brother ultimately got over his food aversions and now has totally healthy eating habits. So while I've always struggled with my weight, my brother is lean and fit, having never developed any unhealthy obsessions with food. So, if I had to guess, I'd say my experiences as a child shaped my food habits more than what I ate as a baby.

Now, obviously, these are your children and you want to encourage them to eat healthy, organic (when possible) vegetables and fruits and whole grains. Some of it they'll like, some they won't, but you really can't force it. In my opinion and from what I gather, food issues are a little nature and a little nurture -- children are wired with certain food preferences, and they are either fostered or detered as they get older. So do what you feel is best for your children, praise healthy eating and discourage unhealthy habits, but try not to make yourself crazy with one study after the next.

Do you believe a child's food habits totally begin at infancy?

Image via Flickr/jencu