The Stir By CafeMom: Blogger Eden M. Kennedy

7 Ways to Make a Baby Laugh

Fri, 30 Mar 2012 21:19:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Most babies have fairly a predictable sense of humor and often the thing that makes them happiest is your big, smiling face. Fortunately, babies don't care if we're wearing makeup, they think we smell like love itself, and your coffee-stained bathrobe feels just as wonderful to them whether it's been washed this week or not. If your baby could talk she'd say, "Mom, don't worry about the zit on your nose, let's both hide under this blanket for awhile. There, isn't that cozy?" (Your baby is off-the-charts empathetic, by the way -- most kids aren't that tuned in until they're seven. What an amazing parent you are!)

As babies get into their first year, though, it's fun to find new ways to crack them up.

1. Feathers. For the baby who doesn't like being aggressively tickled, a feather can do the trick. (Freeze the feather overnight first to kill anything that might be living in it. Ugh, or maybe skip the feather and tickle her with a cotton ball.)

2. Peek-a-who? Your giant, amazing face popping out from behind almost anything will get a laugh, once Baby catches on to what's happening. Warning: once they get the joke, they will want you to do this 10,000 times in a row.

3. Other babies. The first time my son met another child his age he almost died of delight. If you don't have a playmate handy, babies also love pictures of other babies faces. Mrs. Mustard's Baby Faces book was the go-to cheerer-upper in our house that first year.

4. Get weird. Sometimes, you have to veer off the tried-and-true paths to find what your particular baby finds funny. For us, we found that lightly pounding on our son's sternum made him laugh so hard his face turned red. He still loves it, and he's 10. I have no explanation for this.

5. Puppies! There is little more heart-burstingly adorable than a laughing baby being swarmed by puppies. If you don't have access to a basketful of eight-week-old Golden Labs, however, any friendly family pet can do the trick. Keep Baby's arms and legs covered (scratches aren't funny) and supervise.

6. Eat some raspberries. And by that I mean cover your baby in raspberries (a.k.a. zerbits, belly bubbles, or plain old fart sounds), eat up his face with kisses, nibble his toes, and go ahead and gobble him up.

7. Just do what you do. Some things strike certain people as being funny, and babies are no exception. Maybe your baby liked the way your pants fell off when you sneezed; or maybe the cat tried to jump from the couch to the TV and missed. YouTube is full of serendipitous moments like that where babies are laughing their heads off. Cherish them, for they are impossible to recreate.

Image via flyone/Flickr

5 Ways to Meet Celebrities Without Looking Like a Stalker

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 17:27:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

I have only my own experience to base this advice on, which is meant to show you a few super-casual ways to meet someone famous. Whether you talk to them or not is up to you. Whether you pull up your shirt and ask them to sign your boobs: also up to you. I take no responsibility for how you use this advice, I'm just telling you what has worked for me.

1. Live in a large city. Large cities are hubs of industry, finance, and entertainment. Let's say you want to meet famous actors. Where do successful actors live? New York and Los Angeles, mostly, when they're not visiting their parents or walking on the beach in Turks and Caicos. If you, too, live in NY or LA, you will up your chances by 1,000,000 percent of seeing Elizabeth Banks going into a Starbucks.

2. Get a job in a coat check. If you want to actually interact with famous people, get a job working at a place where they go. Everyone needs to eat, right? And famous people often end up eating at hot spots because, whether they like it or not, keeping a high profile is part of their job. I had a roommate in New York who was a coat check girl/cocktail waitress, which is how she met Bono and Nicolas Cage. If being a cocktail waitress isn't your style and you want to meet low-key celebrities, get a job in a famous bookstore. Working the bag check at Shakespeare & Co. is how I met John Malkovich, Michelle Pfeiffer, Stephen Fry, Jodie Foster, and John F. Kennedy, Jr.

3. Live where famous people go to get away. If you don't want to live in New York or Los Angeles, you still have plenty of choices. Famous people like weekend getaways as much as us regular folks do, so living in a pretty town a friendly distance from a big city can be a good choice. Again, having a job where you work with the public is a big help, but just being out and about a lot will help, too. I now live in a town about 100 miles north of L.A. and I've seen more celebrities than you can shake a stick at. I haven't talked to very many of them, because I'm shy and don't want to bother people, plus there's nothing like having Gary Oldman, John Cleese, or Steven Spielberg 10 feet away to make my palms sweat.

4. Be a good spotter. This, of course, is crucial. Celebrities on the street often work not to be recognized, and cover their heads in baseball caps and dark sunglasses. I'm terrible at recognizing them in this state, but I have a lot of friends who are great at it. Stroll down 5th Avenue in New York or hang around a baggage carousel at LAX any afternoon of the week and you're bound to have walked by 10 different celebrities without even knowing it. This is how (I'm told by friends who have better eyesight than me) I walked right past John Irving, Isabella Rossellini, Woody Allen, Dudley Moore, and Philip Glass.

5. Be lucky. Even if you do none of the above, sometimes you're just lucky. Liv Tyler's ex-husband's parents may happen to live right across the street from you and you're just taking the dog out for a walk when she shows up with the baby (true story).

I realize that none of this advice applies if you're looking to meet one particular person and either make them fall in love with you or force your screenplay into their hands. I'm not quite sure what how to help you with that. Maybe try visualization.

Image via csztova/Flickr

The Hidden Meaning of Valentine's Day Gifts

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 08:08:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

I've always loved making unusual valentines to express the goofiness of my love. One year I made my husband a basket filled with pink donuts and toothbrushes; it showed I wanted to please his palate, but I also cared about his dental health. Another year I just took a check from our checkbook and made it out to him for the amount of "one million blow jobs." It made him laugh and acknowledged the fact that after five years of togetherness we had become exceedingly, comically blunt with each other.

On Valentine's Day we might want to find a way to convey a big message simply: our love is eternal, I appreciate you, you still turn me on. But sentiments like that don't always get to the heart of what keeps love alive. The Victorians used the language of flowers to acknowledge the complexity, the messiness, and the practical side of their unspoken feelings, so why can't we use symbols, too?

1.Traditional flower: Ivy = "Endurance"
Modern gift: A Land's End gift card
The message: "I've been with you for so long that the only thing that gets me in the mood is seeing you in a clean pair of chinos."

2. Traditional flower: Fungus = "Resilience, loneliness, solitude"
Modern gift: Two tickets to a sporting or cultural event that you don't care about.
The message: "I have a deep understanding of your likes and dislikes and you have a deep understanding of mine, so I'd prefer it if you and your brother use these tickets, I'd rather stay home and drink wine."

3. Traditional flower: Plumeria = "New beginnings"
Modern gift: Dinner for two at your favorite restaurant, not his.
The message: "I love you but if we're going to have sex tonight, or ever again, then I need to make sure that we don't have a repeat of last year's 'Oh, it's Valentine's Day? I guess I can pick up some take-out on the way home' scenario."

4. Traditional flower: Peony = "You are brave and masculine"
Modern gift: A new set of rims for the Camaro he's been rebuilding in the garage for three years.
The message: "You are one of those guys who thinks there's nothing sexier than a woman who knows that what you want most in the world is a new set of rims."

5. Traditional flower: Phlox = "Our hearts beat as one"
Modern gift: A mix tape
The message: "I never thought I'd find anyone who loves Bauhaus as much as I do."

6. Traditional flower: Nasturtium = "I love how patriotic you are"
Modern gift: A framed copy of the constitution
The message: "I want to get you alone and think up some new amendments."

7. Traditional flower: Yellow carnation = "You have disappointed me"
Modern gift: A grocery list
The message: "We're out of milk. And toilet paper."

Image via AForestFrolic/Flickr

Make Super Bowl Sunday Fun for Everyone

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:11:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

When I was a kid, my father used to get so upset yelling at bad calls and missed balls during the college bowl games that he finally had to stop watching them for fear of giving himself a heart attack. So it is safe to say that I grew up with an unreasonable fear of televised football, because WHO KNOWS? IT MIGHT KILL YOU.

Still, I am a wee bit envious of people who look forward to Super Bowl Sunday. Especially women who know what a touchback is and who not only own but proudly wear their favorite team's jersey. Who are they, and how did they get that way? Why aren't they spending the entire game on their laptops having emotional affairs on Facebook, flinching every time someone scores a touchdown?

I know, you could always just leave the house if you don't like the Super Bowl -- the streets are empty! It's the perfect time to go to Target! Fortunately, there are a lot of good reasons to stick around for the game.

1. Super Bowl crafts! Why not knit, embroider, decorate a cake, or glue some toothpicks together into the shape of your favorite mascot? This year the Giants are playing the Patriots. They both have the same team colors (red, white, and blue). If you don't have enough broken pottery to make a mosaic in the shape of an advancing Revolutionary War soldier or a giant NY, making banners, balloon animals, or an Uncle Sam hat out of felt would be appropriate, especially since you can re-use them next week for Presidents' Day.

2. Get crazy with the snacks. I know what you're thinking: you want to make red, white, and blue fruit kebabs, but all those berries are out of season. That's why God invented food coloring! And cupcakes, God definitely invented cupcakes. And guacamole, and three-layer bean dip, and 25 different colors of M&Ms.

3. Puppybowl! For the last eight years, Animal Planet has hosted the cutest alternative to the Super Bowl ever invented, and this year should be no exception! This year's starting lineup is so adorable that it should carry a disclaimer: WARNING: IF YOU'RE WATCHING THE PUPPYBOWL BECAUSE IT SEEMS SAFER THAN THE SUPER BOWL, HEART-ATTACK WISE, YOU MAY STILL DIE BECAUSE OF THE CUTENESS, OMG.

4. Hang on until half-time. What's happening this year, is Prince coming back? No, but we've got Madonna on the line. Love her or hate her, she's bringing the hits to Indianapolis and the opinions will be flying. Twitter will be on fire for 15 minutes, at least.

5. Wake up for the commercials. For some of us the commercials are the best part of the whole ordeal. Every 60-second storyline is a chance to revive the part of your soul that died during half-time.

6. Make a bet. Nothing focuses you like having money on the line. How much should you bet? How much is just inconvenient enough? For me, $5 would make me sort of pay attention, but $20 would make me start yelling at the TV. (Sorry, dad.)

6. Pay attention to the game. Or you could just watch the game for once and try to learn something about the most popular sport in America.

7. Go do something else. Sure, Target will be empty, but you can buy toilet paper any time. If you've ever fantasized about rollerskating down the street wearing nothing but mittens and a smile, now's your chance.

Cupcakes photo by pinguino/Flickr

Oscar Nominations for Best Actor and Best Actress: Who Should Win?

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:25:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

The Academy Award nominations were announced this week, and if you're into this sort of thing you've already quietly picked out who you think will win, who you wish would win but probably won't, and who you are so indifferent to that you wouldn't see their movie unless it was being shown on an airplane, you were straight-jacketed into your seat, and the dialog was blasting over the intercom system. (On a personal note, that's how I finally saw Seabiscuit. It's really hard to blow your nose without using your hands!)

I love only two awards shows, the Oscars and the Golden Globes. I can't really explain why I care so much about celebrities two days a year, but do you know how much fun I had live-Tweeting the Golden Globes this year? I am holding my arms far apart enough to hug a giant panda, THAT is how much fun I had. (Giant pandas are mean. I risked my life to Tweet about Madonna's neckline.)

So let's look at the best actor and actress nominees and see what we think!

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Demián Bichir in "A Better Life" -- Demián Bichir and his brothers are so popular in Mexico that the Mexican MTV Movie awards has a special category just for them: "Best Bichir in a Movie." He's the first Mexican actor to be nominated since Anthony Quinn. He has a regular role in Showtime's "Weeds." I don't think he'll win, but I think it's awesome that he'll be there. Mexico, represent!

George Clooney in "The Descendants" -- Clooney has publicly worried that the dorky Hawaiian shirts and khakis he had to wear in this film would be the end of masculinity. This is one of those films that's supposed to be both funny and serious, which means he probably nails it. George won best supporting actor for Syriana in 2005, and this year he's also nominated in the best director and best screenplay categories for Ides of March. Might be too much Clooney for Oscar to choose from.

Jean Dujardin in "The Artist" -- I think this guy's going to take it, and not just because of the heart-throbby headshot on his Wikipedia page, where he looks like Gary Cooper crossed with Yves Montand. No, the movie was good, too! France, représent!

Gary Oldman in "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy" -- In the last decade or so, Oldman's remade himself into an amazing character actor, which means his technique has become so invisble that I don't think he's Movie Star enough to win a best actor Oscar. It makes me sad to say that, but watching someone like him work reminds me that awards are actually pretty meaningless. That being said, I would swoon if he showed up in his vampire costume from Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Brad Pitt in "Moneyball" -- Hmm, Brad's looking a little rugged these days. I don't know if they used makeup to make him look that wrinkled or if he's been up too many late nights Ferberizing the kids. Be that as it may, he was really good in this. The National Society of Film Critics and the New York Critics Circle both gave him best actor awards this year for his work in both Moneyball and Tree of Life. Pitt's got a chance! And if he wins we all get pancakes.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Glenn Close in "Albert Nobbs" -- The makeup Glenn Close wore for this absolutely haunts me. Maybe it's the tragedy of living a double life, or maybe it's because she looks pretty convincing as a man. Either way, Glenn's got the weight to pull a surprise win out of Oscar this year, after being nominated five times previously. She already won an Obie for playing the Albert Nobbs on Broadway in 1982, which blows my mind. To win an Oscar 30 years later for a project that's clearly close to her heart would be a thrill, but despite all that I feel like she's a longshot.

Viola Davis in "The Help" -- This is Viola's second Oscar nomination (her first was for Doubt). Aibileen was an incredible part and she was perfect in it. (I'm also digging the fact that THREE of our actress nominees -- Close, Davis, and Streep -- are over 40.) When asked by CNN's Showbiz Tonight about her chances of beating Meryl Streep, Viola was delightfully candid, saying, "I can whoop Meryl Streep's behind in a good, old fashioned street fight. Now, as far as the Oscars, I'm not sure about that."

Rooney Mara in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" -- Rooney Mara is a killer. This is a dark, sexy, virtuoso role that will win Rooney a lot of independent awards, but makes her too dangerous for Oscar. Unless Oscar has seen her headshot, in which case Oscar will want to know who shaved the head of that innocent little girl, and why is she so angry? Sometimes Oscar reminds me of my mom.

Meryl Streep in "The Iron Lady" -- And if Oscar actually were my mom, Meryl would win best actress this year. After she won the Golden Globe for this last week, I felt like she could steamroll her way up every red carpet she sets foot on this year. Or maybe I'm just intimidated by her wig.

Michelle Williams in "My Week with Marilyn" -- Michelle Williams is amazing and versatile and we all still feel terrible that Heath Ledger died, and did I say what a smart, wonderful actress she is? But if you're going head-to-head against Meryl Streep in an Impersonating Historic Figures contest, you're going to need more than a wig and a girdle. I'm not feeling it for Michelle this year, but what do I know, right?

Most of the fun happens on the red carpet before the show even starts anyway.

Oscar photo by Shavar Ross/Flickr

Your Chinese Astrological Sign Explained

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:43:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Chinese astrology, like Western astrology, has 12 signs, but instead of changing every month, they change every year. Each animal in the Chinese zodiac has its own unique qualities that affect everyone, if you believe in this sort of thing, which I totally do. On January 23, 2012, we enter the year of the dragon, which is roughly equivalent to Aries, which means we're all in for a year of ramming our heads into things, filing our hooves, and being competitive for no reason.

Even with only 12 signs, Chinese astrology runs on a 60-year cycle. Elements come into play (earth, fire, water, wood, and metal), as well as our old friends yin (female) and yang (male). So as we leave 2011, the year of the yin metal rabbit, 2012 will be the year of the yang water dragon, 2013 will be the year of the yin water snake, and so on forever until you don't need to care anymore because you'll be dead.

Let's talk about what sign you are!

If you're born in January or early February, like me, and you think you already know your birth sign because you read it on a placemat in a Chinese restaurant when you were a kid, chances are it was wrong. Placemats always say something like "1996 = Rat" when it would be more accurate to say, "February 19, 1996 to February 7, 1997 = Rat" because Chinese New Year comes a month after Western New Year. So if you're born in January of 1996, you're not a Rat, you're actually a Pig. That might come as a relief to you, because pigs are awesome but, as we'll see, Rats have their charms, too. (Go here and look up your birthday if you're not sure.)

RAT (1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008) -- If you're born in a rat year, you're tenacious, charming, and clever. Remember Templeton in Charlotte's Web? Who turned out to be a good guy after all, even though he hoarded rotten eggs? You make a good friend, being loyal and generous to those in your pack. You might be greedy, envious, and manipulative, though, so watch it. Compatible with Dragon and Monkey.

OX (1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009) -- The ox is powerful, calm, goal-oriented, and patient, which is a nice way of saying stubborn as hell. You can also be introverted, and sometimes lonely and insecure, and now I want to give you a hug. Wait, George Clooney is an Ox. Now I really want to give you a hug. Compatible with Snake and Rooster.

TIGER (1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010) -- You are one sexy animal, tiger, as well as being daring, restless, unpredictable, warm, and sincere. I'm picturing you taking a long nap on a tree limb with your legs dangling down, because maybe you ate a python for lunch. That's not a suggestive metaphor, that's just you being super casual about the fact that you're the Angelina Jolie of what's left of the jungle. Compatible with Horse and Dog.

RABBIT (1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011) -- Aw, you're a bunny! Me, too. Soft, gracious, elegant, shy, lucky, and kind of a pushover, you like to be around friends and family but you hate it when people try to pick you up by your ears. Or cut off your foot for good luck. Not cool, people, I need that foot. Sheesh. Compatible with Sheep and Pig.

DRAGON (1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012) -- Dragons are dignified, fiery, warm-hearted, competitive, and make good leaders. They can also be eccentric, arrogant, and they will blast people who annoy them with some scary verbal fire. That can really scour the enamel off your teeth, Dragon, so try to keep your cool and see your dentist regularly. Compatible with Monkey and Rat.

SNAKE (1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013) -- Snakes are deep, mystical, good with money, a little dangerous, gregarious, and intuitive. They can also be mistrustful, cold (unless they stay under their heat lamps), and suffocating (if they decide they want to keep you forever and/or eat you head-first). Compatible with Rooster and Ox.

HORSE (1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014) -- Horses need to roam, which some people think makes them fickle, unmoored, and anxious. But horse lovers know that all that muscle, mental and otherwise, needs to be used or else it goes soft! Cheerful and popular, overworked horses have also been known to fall asleep standing up. Just throw a blanket over them, they'll be fine. Compatible with Dog and Tiger.

SHEEP (1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015) -- Sheep are shy, peaceful loners who love nothing more than mothering the heck out of somebody. This also means that they worry a lot, so if you have a Sheep for a parent, they'll freak out extra if they haven't heard from you lately. They just need a little reassurance to keep them warm and fluffy. Compatible with Pig and Rabbit.

MONKEY (1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016) -- Monkeys are inventors and problem-solvers. They love facts and can get a little competitive; they can be the type who always needs to be right, and frankly they're somewhat vain. What they really need is to have some fun! Get laid, Monkeys! That's what Tom Hanks does when he's feeling low! Compatible with Rat and Dragon.

ROOSTER (1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017) -- You might think a Rooster would be strutting around, waking people up far too early in the morning, but actually Roosters are neat, organized, conservative, and a little bit proud of themselves. Dolly Parton is a Rooster, which makes me wonder what's underneath all those sequins. Hmm. Compatible with Ox and Snake.

DOG (1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018) -- Dogs can be, well, Dogs. Sure, they're loyal, fair, and unpretentious, but look out for those little white lies they tell you, girlfriend. They can be a little moody and have trouble finding true love unless they can stay in touch with their open-minded, affectionate side, and have regular baths to keep the fleas away. Compatible with Tiger and Horse.

PIG (1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019) -- Wilbur! Babe! Pigs are the best. Always ready to help out a friend and never snobbish, a Pig will be happy to help you move that sofa, as long as she's properly thanked in return. A naive, gullible Pig will soon be your worst enemy if you take advantage. Glenn Close is a Pig. Remember Fatal Attraction? Don't mess with Pigs. Compatible with Rabbit and Sheep.

Ram photo by Dave Hamster/Flickr

Pig photo by The Pug Father/Flickr

How to Talk About 'New York Times' Best-Sellers Without Actually Reading Them

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:48:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Maybe you're trying to get through your book group night without looking like an ass who never reads anything more complicated than InStyle magazine. Or maybe you're just sitting there getting your roots done when your stylist asks you if you ever read that dragon tattoo book. Of course it's okay to say, "No, I never read anything more complicated than InStyle magazine," but sometimes we want to look like we're actually driving through life with two hands on the wheel and a full tank of gas.

So here, let me help you pretend to know what's going on at the top of this week's combined print and e-book bestseller fiction list from The New York Times.

#1 THE HELP by Kathryn Stockett
Plot: In the early years of the civil rights movement, a young white woman nicknamed Skeeter returns to her home town after college ... and confronts the fact that all of her peers are getting married, starting families, and having complicated relationships with the black women they hire to help them manage their households. An aspiring journalist, Skeeter decides to write down the black maids' personal histories, never imagining how dangerous it would be for them to tell the truth about their lives.
How to distract anyone who asks you what you thought of it: "This book was a total gateway drug, I'm going to read everything I can about civil rights and racism in this country now. I have a copy of Eyes on the Prize right here in my bag! It weighs 12 pounds, so I'm building my biceps and improving my grasp on history at the same time."

#2 THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO by Stieg Larsson
Plot: Set in the world of Swedish high finance, a journalist, Mikael Blomkvist, is hired to investigate the disappearance of a girl from a prominent family. Along the way he enlists the help of Lisbeth Salander, an asocial young computer whiz with a troubled past, and they realize they are on the hunt for a serial killer.
How to distract anyone who asks you what you thought of it: "The original title of the book in Sweden was 'Men Who Hate Women,' did you know that? It gets pretty dark, I had to watch the entire fourth season of Sex and the City to scrub it out of my head. Who wants appletinis? I have a total crush on Daniel Craig."

#3 11/23/63 by Stephen King
Plot: A time traveler goes back to the years before the assassination of John F. Kennedy (on 11/23/63) to try to prevent it.
How to distract anyone who asks you what you thought of it: "I am now officially obsessed with the early 1960s. Did you listen to those recordings of Jackie Kennedy after her husband was killed? Her pink Chanel suit is in the National Archives and they won't display it for 100 years, AND her pillbox hat is missing. It's going to show up on eBay some day and someone's either going to get arrested or make a fortune."

#4 KILL ALEX CROSS by James Patterson
Plot: Detective Alex Cross investigates the kidnapping of the two children of the President of the United States. A mysterious person tries to thwart him using the FBI, the CIA, and the Secret Service. At the same time, something horrible and contagious is infecting the D.C. water supply.
How to distract anyone who asks you what you thought of it: "James Patterson didn't have a co-author for this book like he usually does, which is too bad because I think he needed the help. I wasn't going to read it but my dad/husband/brother told me I had to. It's good, but if I'm going to read a thriller, I prefer J.D. Robb or Lee Child [or someone you've actually read and can talk about]." If you've never actually read a thriller, say, "OMG, hold still, I think there's a spider in your hair!"

#5 THE LITIGATORS by John Grisham
Plot: A burned-out hot shot lawyer joins a small-time law firm in Chicago and quickly finds himself representing the victims of a popular but deadly cholesterol drug. He ends up being pitted against his former fancy-pants firm, who is representing the drug manufacturer. Hijinx ensue.
How to distract anyone who asks you what you thought of it: "John Grisham cannot not write a best-seller, it's like every lawyer in America buys a hardcover of every one of his books the day they come out. Thank God I don't need drugs to keep my cholesterol down, I hear they make you feel terrible. My father-in-law died of a heart attack, he ate bacon every day of his life. I could never be a vegan. What time is Ellen on?"

7 Easy Steps to Getting Back Into Shape (Wink, Wink)

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:40:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Thanks to the holidays, the roll of flesh you now see sitting triumphantly atop my waistband is composed almost entirely of butter, chocolate, and discount champagne. And yes, at the top of my list of New Year's resolutions are the words "get stronger (back to yoga)" followed closely by "STOP EATING M&Ms FOR LUNCH."

(Full disclosure: I am eating M&Ms while I write this, but it's just a mid-morning snack. Also, they are dark chocolate. M&Ms are full of antioxidants.)

So, you say you want to get back in shape for the new year, too? Come, let me guide you through seven important steps that will bring you closer to making everyone think you're working hard to get healthy again.

STEP ONE: Complain about how sore you are after going back to the gym. Even if you haven't been near a Pilates class since 2002, if you want people to think you're taking your health in hand, complain about it. Your quadriceps (or "thighs") are burning every time you go up or downstairs. Your arms are so sore you can barely lift a spoonful of low-fat yogurt to your mouth. Man, are you working hard!

STEP TWO: Don't eat in public. The last thing you want right now is someone judging what you're putting in your mouth. If it's not cold lettuce sprinkled with lemon juice and shame, somebody's going to have an opinion about it. Stay one step ahead of them all and, at least while you're out and about, don't ingest anything more complicated than bottled water and gum for the next six months.

STEP THREE: Learn the latest diet vocabulary. Just because you're not eating with people doesn't mean you can't talk with them about food. What diet are you doing? Paleo people don't eat any grains, just lots of meat and vegetables. Or maybe you're eliminating high-fructose corn syrup, additives, and trans-fats. Have you become a locavore, eating only in-season foods produced within a 100-mile radius of your house? Whatever the trend, stay on top of it!

STEP FOUR: Enlist a beard. Eventually you're going to crack and want to admit your sham lifestyle to someone, so pick a buddy who's willing to cover for you in case of emergencies. Did someone see you steal the last donut from the break room? Your beard will be the one who will loudly say, "Hey, thanks for getting that last donut for me!" during the staff meeting, thus crushing all suspicion that surrounds you. Hopefully.

STEP FIVE: Highlight your most athletic body parts. Just because you're not actually losing weight or eating better doesn't mean you can't dress the part. Workout wear can double as street-casual, especially if it has lots of Lycra in it and can partially function as shapewear. Good yoga pants made from a thick cotton-poly blend can smooth out all manner of lumpy butt problems, and a capri length pant can look extra sporty if you're blessed with shapely ankles. Running shoes are comfortable and suggest a commitment to athleticism.

STEP SIX: Appear to be shocked at how well your program is working. Around March or April, the time will be right for you to start marveling at how loose your pants have become. Tip: you will need to buy larger pants for this to work.

STEP SEVEN: Or, you could actually eat better and get some exercise. Consider signing up for MyPlate to track what you're eating and how many calories you're burning. (It's free.) I did it for four months last year and was amazed at how it kept me on track with eating more protein and good fats, and less carbs and sugar. I'm serious. No really. Try it.

Image via Sam Howzit/Flickr

Times Square Ball Drop: How Did this New Year's Eve Tradition Begin?

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 09:35:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

How did a giant ball slowly descending on Times Square become our national symbol of New Year's Eve, and why on earth is Dick Clark in charge of it? Our story begins way back in the twentieth century, when The New York Times persuaded the city of New York to rename the area in front of their building Times Square. Let's just think about that for a moment, because before that most squares were named to commemorate an inspiring person or heroic/tragic event (Washington Square, Trafalgar Square). But to have a commercial enterprise get naming rights made Times Square the NCAA Tostitos Fiesta Bowl of 1904.

At the end of that year, the Times sponsored a New Year's Eve celebration that culminated in fireworks launching from the top of their offices. But apparently that didn't attract enough drunken tourists looking for a place to pee, so in 1907 the paper's chief electrician was commissioned to wire up a 700-pound iron ball that would slowly lower from a flagpole on top of the building, landing at 12:00:01 a.m. And everyone watching on the ground would have to cross their legs and hold it because the Porta-Potty wouldn't be invented for another 60 years.

Now, Dick Clark wasn't born until 1929, and then he was busy growing up in the suburbs, being neighbors with Ed McMahon, and posing for clean-cut American Bandstand head shots.

I still can't fathom the fact that American Bandstand was on every weekday. They gave that show five 90-mintue time slots a week for like 40 years. At a time when there were only six channels on everybody's TV. That's just an astonishing amount of airtime devoted to teenagers dancing in chunky heels, and Yes, it is fun being 150 years old and remembering these things without having to look them up on Wikipedia, thanks for asking.

So, being dubbed "America's Oldest Teenager," Clark was a natural fit for the televised New Year's Eve celebration, which he took over in 1972. His appeal was wide; he was male and white and nonthreatening during a time of rapid and radical social change, and the old folks who were grumpy about him taking over for Guy Lombardo would be dead soon enough anyway.

As for the appeal of a giant, glowing ball covered in Swarovski crystals slowly sliding down a giant pole in the middle of what used to be the strip club capital of the United States . . . uh, yeah, hmm. How exactly did that happen? Good thing Rudolph Giuliani replaced the dirty book stores with that giant Toys R Us. *ahem* But it's an easy visual symbol to mark the last few seconds of the old year, and you don't even have to be old enough to read to shout along with everyone on TV as the big ball comes down. It makes the whole night official, as you can hear entire neighborhoods erupting in "Happy New Year!" simultaneously, letting us all share the moment, time zone by time zone, thanks to Dick's Giant Ball.

Mr. Clark had a stroke in 2004, and Regis Philbin filled in as host that year. In 2005, Clark brought the professionally handsome and all-around supportive guy Ryan Seacrest on board to do the heavy lifting (i.e., banter with Fergie and stand out in the cold wearing little more than electric socks and a smile).

Oh, Dick. It will be a sad day when you're gone.

Times Square photo by Stuart Moreton/Flickr.

"American Bandstand" publicity photo/Public Domain.

Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images.

How To Be a Great Last-Minute Gift-Giver

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:36:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

"You know what would be great?" said my husband last summer. "One of those heavy grill press things that keeps meat and bacon from curling up when you're cooking it." You know what he's getting for Christmas? A heavy grill press thing that keeps bacon from curling up when you cook it. He never bothered to put it on his wish list, I just made a mental note and bought one, and I plan to pat myself on the back every time he uses it.

This, I like to think, exemplifies a crucial aspect of skillful gift-giving: listening. Another crucial aspect: remembering. Also crucial: time, money, and feeling some affection for the person you're buying for.

But what if it's December 22 and none of those aspects are in place, and suddenly you need to pick up a little something for the person in your office who invited you to cocktails Friday night? Or your husband's step-sister who suddenly decided to fly in from Norway? Or the sitter who's coming. over. right. now?

Not everyone has a gift closet they can dip into at times like this. (Note to self: make a lot of money and move to a house that has a lot of extra closets, then fill one with gifts.)

So in case you, like me, aren't blessed with the foresight to start shopping in October for people you don't know will exist come the holidays, here are a few things that can be picked up online or put together out of toothpaste and Popsicle sticks.

For the relative you didn't know you had: A subscription to Archives.com, where they can study their genealogy, have their DNA analysed and added to the database, and search newspapers back to 1753. It's thoughtful, it acknowledges that family is somewhat important to both of you, and it's less that $25.

For the co-worker who deserves a break: Lunch. With you, of course. Write up a little note card to make it official. "I am taking you someplace nice for lunch after the holidays," you might say. Choose someplace you can afford, but that's also a little bit special, e.g., not the sandwich shop everybody goes to every day, and maybe no plastic forks. When the day comes, dress up a little! You look so nice when you try.

For the sitter who hasn't killed your child(ren) yet: A box of nice thank you notes. I appreciate the fact that society now accepts the thank you e-mail as sufficient, but there's nothing wrong with prompting a little good manners in the young. If you don't have a drug store or stationery shop nearby, you might be able to draft your children into creating something interesting, depending on how much glitter glue you have on hand. (Here's a nice tutorial on how to make your own envelopes.)

The boss who unexpectedly got you something personal, oh NO!: A hive of bees ($30) or a flock of ducks ($20) or a share of a pig ($10) from Heifer.org. This is an insanely great charity that helps people in developing countries help themselves by giving them animals that will in turn give them milk, eggs, wool, honey, wax, pollination etc. that will benefit entire communities. Maybe not as immediately gratifying for the boss as a tie or a plate of cookies, but it's a gift that can, possibly, make both of you better people.

For the person who has everything: A gift card log. I know! What a great idea. I can't tell you how many gift cards I've misplaced, or neglected to use and then the store went out of business. Sadly, this is the one gift that you probably can't get in time for holiday giving, but it's the perfect thing to start your gift closet with! For next year, when you will have a gift closet, right? Or at least a gift drawer, once you get rid of all your husband's old tube socks.

And let's not forget that sometimes being a great gift-wrapper can make up for a lot of gift deficiencies. A gift bag, colored tissue paper, oodles of curly ribbon, and a big smile can make that half-price chocolate Santa look like $100.

Are you scrambling to find any last minute gifts?

Photo via Waferboard/Flickr.

Getting Through a Holiday Gathering Without Losing Your Mind

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 21:42:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

There are several kinds of holiday gatherings most people have to negotiate this time of year, from classroom cupcakes to family dinners and more, more, more. Let's see if we can help you get through the next few weeks of mandatory cheer without killing anyone, dying of embarrassment, or losing your mind.

1. The Office Party. Work parties can be great, especially if you work in a pressured environment, because all it takes is one person lighting a tray of shots on fire to make everything unravel into chaos. Chaos can be very entertaining, but you're more likely to keep your job if you're watching the mayhem from a safe distance. Ultimately, the success of an office party depends on how much you either like your coworkers or don't care at all what they think of you.

Budgets are tight these days but alcohol may still be involved in the typical after-work holiday party. If you're a drinker, do yourself a favor and stop at three. One drink per hour over a three-hour period ought to ensure that your butt doesn't end up on the copy machine or your lunch in a potted plant, and will get you home in time for Real Housewives. But make sure you eat something, and not just cookies. You need protein, especially at night, it helps you sleep. If a coworker gets drunk and hits on you, punch in the face (as in a glass of punch, not your actual fist) is appropriate; if your boss gets drunk and starts hitting on you, RUN.

2. Dinner with In-laws. Be polite. Laugh at their jokes. Accept whatever you're offered to eat or drink graciously. Do not indulge in practical jokes unless you know in advance that the person you're targeting can take it. Avoid taking part in passive-aggressive exchanges, gossip about anyone that may hear about it later, and ganging up on the weak. If you start to feel panicky or nauseated, excuse yourself and get some fresh air. Agree on a safe word so that your partner/spouse can be ready to bolt when you've reached your limit. Tell everyone you have to get up early for a conference call / take your cat to the vet / sprinkle reindeer food on the lawn and call it a day.

3. Gift exchange with your family. Do not come empty handed, no matter how much they "owe" you. Bring something to share with the group like nuts, chocolate, or wine. If you've drawn names ahead of time, make sure the gift you've chosen for your recipient is actually appropriate: it doesn't not need to change their life, it just needs to get you through the next three hours. Include a gift receipt. Do not be offended if your recipient tries to swap gifts for something "better." This is not a reflection on you, it is merely the result of their inability to appreciate the glorious return of the tam o'shanter. Pray for a gift card but be delighted with whatever you get. Re-gift as necessary, or save the reindeer sweatshirt to wear at next year's gathering to cheer up grumpy older relatives that enjoy a good laugh at your expense.

4. Elementary School Holiday Program. Bring a thermos filled with something cheery like hot chocolate (schnapps optional) or eggnog (rum optional). School programs usually start with the lower grades and work their way up. Enjoy the charming awkwardness of the youngest children's performance of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." (Drink.) When the slightly older grades come onstage, occupy yourself by trying to remember the names of everyone in your second grade class. (Drink.) While the middle grades perform, think about the first crush you had, and wonder whatever happened to him/her. Resolve to find him/her on Facebook. (Drink.) When the oldest grades step onstage, try to figure out which kids like each other. Resolve to wring all related school gossip out of your child on the way home, as your spouse/partner will be driving if you have opted for the schnapps or rum and you will be in the back seat singing Christmas carols and telling your fourth-grader how much you want grandchildren.

Image via Seattle Municipal Archives/Flickr

Candidates' Sex Lives: What's God Got to Do With It?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:27:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

As we've seen in the recent Republican presidential debates, most candidates make a point of saying they go to church. This is good politics for a lot of reasons. It implies that the candidate has a strong moral foundation because they publicly adhere to a system that clearly spells out Right and Wrong. Knowing right from wrong is an important advantage when you're making decisions that affect millions of people in the U.S. and around the world. That "one nation under God" thing gives people a lot of confidence, because who doesn't want God on their side? Even most atheists I know are willing to concede that, should heaven and hell exist, they'd prefer not to spend all eternity up to their butts in hot lava.

The problem is, what if I say I know how important it is to be Good, but then act Bad off and on for 13 years with a lady who's not my wife?

Earlier this week, an Atlanta businesswoman named Ginger White came forward to say that she'd had a "casual" 13-year-long affair with Herman Cain. This coming on top of four decades-old allegations of sexual misconduct, the Cain campaign went into full lockdown mode and denied everything. Would he withdraw from the race? Anti-Cain groups were gleeful, hoping that the hypocrisy of yet another values-and-morality candidate would be fatal to his bid for the White House. Cain supporters who'd stood by him during the earlier misconduct charges wavered after hearing about what appeared to be a substantial indiscretion -- substantiated by 61 text messages and a credible source.

Cain's wife of 47 years, Gloria, has been all but invisible during his campaign, having only given one interview to Greta Van Susteren last month. So it's impossible to tell if she is remaining quietly supportive of the man she's given her life to, or if the whole open marriage thing was working just fine before the media started poking around, or if she's just as surprised as everyone else and she's distancing herself in order to get a head start to divorce court.

Newt Gingrich, on the other hand, openly admits that he's made some terrible mistakes in his married life (including carrying on an affair in the midst of the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal), but says he's "evolving." Now that he's a Catholic (he was raised Lutheran, then became a Baptist as a college student before converting to Catholicism in 2009), Gingrich recognizes the errors of his ways and has probably been forgiven after a no doubt lengthy confession. But is he implying that all those years when he wasn't a Catholic, his faith, and therefore his fidelity, was just a sham?

Ultimately, Cain is avoiding playing a The Devil made me do it card, and for that we can be grateful. His attorney, Lin Wilson, is doing his best to put a secular spin on the latest crisis, saying this in a letter sent to Fox 5 Atlanta:

This appears to be an accusation of private, alleged consensual conduct between adults — a subject matter which is not a proper subject of inquiry by the media or the public. The public’s right to know and the media’s right to report has boundaries and most certainly those boundaries end outside of one’s bedroom door.

Socially conservative Republican voters, however, can't un-know what's already come to light, and can do nothing but think that the heart of their previously-favorite candidate is farther from God than they thought possible. In a country that identifies itself (according to the 2008 American Religious Identification Survey) as 76 percent Christian, almost 100 percent of the Republican candidates identify themselves as Christian. (Kudos to Fred Karger who, though not on the hot list at the moment, stands as the only non-practicing Jew.) Clearly, separation of church and state is all well and good, but separation of church and a presidential candidate is fatal.

But let's say Cain or Gingrich get all the way to the top and one of them wins the election. Can they keep it in their pants for four years? The drama of Bill Clinton's extramarital sex life before and during his presidency almost derailed his whole career. Kenneth Starr's three-ring circus grabbed more headlines than Clinton's efforts to find Osama bin Laden, and Starr didn't rest until Clinton was impeached.

I don't know if a Cain or Gingrich presidency would look the same as Clinton's, since liberals tend to be more, well, liberal about these things, and tend to start fewer morality witch hunts. This could be because Democrats know that if they start throwing stones, their own glass houses won't be safe for much longer.

The problem is, even if the Republicans can find a candidate with a pristine moral character, is that person actually going to be smart enough, creative enough, and ballsy enough to lead a country? Being Good isn't necessarily enough.

Photo of Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich by Mark Wilson/Getty

Pepper Spray: It's Not Just for Dinner Anymore

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 09:20:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

When I left home and moved to New York City at age 23, my mom sent me a can of mace to keep in my bag. She was a small town girl and the thought of me riding the subway surrounded by God knows who -- gangsters? drug addicts? commuters? -- kept her up at night. But giving me some self-defense to keep at my side made her feel better, even if I wasn't sure I'd be able to use it correctly if a confrontation did crop up. I was fortunate, and after five years in the city I threw away the mace and moved to California.

But maybe I should buy another can -- to protect myself from the police? Last weekend, Occupy protesters at the University of California, Davis, got a taste of one of the nation's most popular and least-delicious forms of self-defense: pepper spray.

Sold in drugstores for as little as $5.00 for a keychain container, pepper spray, like mace, is made to cause coughing, pain, and tears, slowing down an assailant by temporarily blinding them and, if they're asthmatic, sending them to the hospital. It's one of those things you never want to experience, though some daredevils have faced it just to see how much it sucks. Their conclusion? It sucks.

In this video, Johnny Knoxville undergoes pepper spray, a stun gun, and Tasering, and concludes that pepper spray is by far the most painful of the three. It's not exactly scientific, but I trust Johnny to be straight with me, as he's not being paid by Big Spray, he does this stuff for fun.

My point is, pepper spray is worth taking seriously.

Many are complaining that protesters passively resisting the police by sitting quietly on a campus sidewalk and refusing to move did not deserve to be sprayed like so many roaches. Some have gone further, calling for the resignation of UC Davis chancellor Linda Katehi, who apparently approved the police's actions on Friday (but then apologized and condemned their actions on Monday). The ACLU calls the police's action "excessive," saying that the protesters were peacefully assembling, per their constitutional rights.

Others, however, point out that if the police ask you to move, you'd better move no matter what, and that the protesters ought to feel lucky that they only got pepper sprayed and not clobbered by batons or shot with rubber bullets, or real bullets à la Kent State in 1970. And you've probably heard the one about the Fox News commentator who dismissed pepper spray as nothing more than "a food product."

Which is partially true. The thing that makes pepper spray unpleasant is capsaicin, a chemical derived from the group of plants that includes chili peppers. It has been used for centuries in China and India to give "heat" to food, as well as to ward off attackers. Chinese warriors would create little "bombs" of cayenne pepper wrapped in rice paper to throw in the faces of their enemies, and in 17th-century Japan the police were said to have a small box filled with chili powder that they'd blow directly into the faces of guilty prisoners. The New York Times also suggests there's evidence that some Japanese women would tuck some form of pepper into the sleeves of their kimonos to stop the advances of aggressive men.

It's legal for both citizens and police officers to carry and use pepper spray in the United States, though specifics vary by state. It's also legal in the Philippines, the Czech Republic, Switzerland, Poland (if you're over 18), and India (if you go through a background check). In Finland, Italy, New Zealand, and Hong Kong you need a license for it, and in Belgium, the U.K., and Iran, it's illegal for anyone but the police to possess it. In many countries it's legally classed as a firearm.

So, no, I won't actually be carrying a fresh can of pepper spray to ward off my next traffic ticket.

"Sailor Receives Pepper Spray Training" photo by U.S. Navy Official Imagery/Flickr

How Not to Die on Thanksgiving This Year

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 14:03:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Since it became a national holiday in the U.S. in 1941, most people look forward to Thanksgiving as a time to see friends and family, watch some football, eat a whole lot of food, and not die. But accidents happen. Some are tragic, yet most are so easily avoidable, it's embarrassing. Wow your friends and save the day this Thanksgiving with your knowledge of how to avoid these amazingly deadly Thanksgiving pitfalls.

1. Don't set yourself on fire. Deep fried turkeys are delicious, I'm told, but in the hands of amateurs, they can be disastrous. William Shatner made a timely and somewhat amusing video about his love of, and subsequent abandonment of, this turkey-cooking trend. Main points to remember: Don't use too much oil, and don't dump the turkey into the hot oil with your bare hands. Some people are natural thrill-seekers, I guess, but having third-degree burns on my face is not on my life list.

2. Learn the Heimlich Maneuver. Here are some instructions if you've forgotten how.

3. Don't dump all your grease down the sink. The Roto-rooter company reports tens of thousands of service calls on Thanksgiving weekend from people who thought their waste lines could handle all that fat. Instead, the fat and grease harden like wax and plug up your pipes, leading to an extra $500,000-worth of emergency calls for plumbers nationwide. (This is not technically life-threatening, but it is expensive.)

4. Don't cook if you're sleepy, drunk, or holding a baby. I know, you only had one glass of wine, the yams were burning, and the baby started crying -- what else were you supposed to do? Ask for help? Well, yes. Do that. And if something is in danger of either burning or dying, ask yourself, Which one of these things is replaceable? Let me answer that for you: the yams. The yams are replaceable, the baby is not.

5. Let the turkey thaw without "help." The Center for Science in the Public Interest found that, depending on the testing year, between 28 percent and 90 percent of all raw turkeys tested positive for campylobacter, a common pathogen that is responsible for half of all reported cases of food poisoning. What's one way to serve up a stomachache to your guests? By popping your bird into the oven before it's fully thawed, resulting in undercooked portions that could sicken people from one to seven days later. There are only a couple of ways to safely thaw a turkey:

In the refrigerator, between two and six days in advance. In a container of cold (40 degrees Fahrenheit) water, for six to 12 hours before cooking.

Ways you probably don't want to thaw your turkey:

Under a heat lamp. In your car's trunk or engine compartment. In your college dorm-sized microwave (even if you have an industrial-sized microwave, or a college dorm-sized bird, it can start unevenly cooking your turkey and ruin the whole thing). Out on the porch in the sun.

6. Save the wishbone, but don't let your dog eat it. The superstition of getting "a lucky break" and having your wish come true after snapping off the larger portion of a bird's wishbone is an ancient one. Some believe in making their wish before snapping the bone with their pinkie fingers wrapped around each prong, some don't make their wish until they know who won. The Germans believed that a dark-colored wishbone predicted a hard winter and a light-colored wishbone a mild one. Just make sure no dogs get a hold of the wishbone, as poultry bones are likely to splinter and can puncture a dog's digestive tract.

7. If you really just want to power through your meal and get to the football, you can make a Thanksgiving Cake. That's right, your turkey, yams, stuffing, and marshmallows -- all your food groups layered into one compact slice and "iced" with mashed potatoes! It will kill you with deliciousness.

Image via Rene Schwietzke/Flickr

Ex Oscar Show Producer Brett Ratner Offers Even More Apologies

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:33:00 EST

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

As most people who have turned on a computer this week are aware, Brett Ratner is no longer producing the 2012 Oscars broadcast. Ratner has apologized for remarking that "rehearsal is for fags" at a recent screening of his new film Tower Heist, starring Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller.

Ratner talked to GLAAD and made what sounds like a sincere apology.

I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb and outdated way of expressing myself .... Everyone who knows me knows that I don't have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.

But this is not the first time Ratner has come under the gun for imprecise language and abuse of his storytelling prowess.

He's said some fratboy-ish things about Lindsay Lohan and other women he's slept with, which, given the culture of Hollywood, is a disappointment but not a surprise. However, Ratner's controversial comments on other seemingly benign issues have kept his publicists scrambling to keep the 42-year-old filmmaker out of the headlines.

In March of 2007 while test-driving Bentleys with his friend and Star Wars icon Carrie Fisher, Ratner reportedly dismissed the Bentley's safety features, saying, "Wearing seat belts is for cheerleaders and gopher mascots," unleashing a firestorm of criticism from both the NCAA and the Furry community.

"I deeply regret my remarks," Ratner read from a carefully prepared statement to representatives from the National Cheerleaders Association. "Cheerleaders and large-headed college football mascots are a symbol of hard work, pom-pons, and America, and I respect their dedication to making football games sexier."

Ratner then had to apologize further for the "sexier" remark and also perform 20 hours of community service refilling those claw machines where you try to grab a stuffed animal and drop it down a chute.

But he still hadn't learned his lesson by November of the same year as he prepared to direct a PSA for PETA. While waiting for k.d. lang to get into her cow suit, Ratner remarked, "Staying sober on Christmas is for cotton-headed ninny-muggins" and immediately issued an apology to Will Ferrell and the makers of Elf, saying,

I showed myself to be King of the Cotton-headed Ninny-muggins for my remarks about the convivial effects of alcohol and implying that I can't spend time with my family without being hammered.

He made a separate apology to his mother.

Meanwhile, now that Eddie Murphy has dropped out of the Oscars broadcast as well, the Oscars are in search of a new host. Rumors are spreading of a short list that includes Tina Fey and several Muppets.

Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty

An Open Letter to Justin Bieber on Condom Use

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 08:26:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Dear Justin:

I know you have plenty of caring adults in your life and you've managed to avoid a lot of the pitfalls of fame. So congratulations on not becoming a junkie, crashing your car through a storefront, or having your first beer and then spontaneously marrying Lindsay Lohan.

But despite your upstanding ways, scandal found you anyway. I've heard all about this Mariah Yeater claiming you got her alone in a bathroom back stage and now she has a 4-month-old baby made out of your DNA.

I'm not here to discuss her part in this drama, even though she's three years older than you and is suddenly no doubt very conversant with the phrase "statutory rape."

My concern today is a delicate one. I know how hard it is for parents to have "the talk" with a post-pubescent child, so I feel that it's my duty to explain something extremely important to you.

First of all, you need to make sure that the condom you're using is fresh.

Don't use a condom that's been flattened in someone's wallet for the last three years; go to the drugstore and get your own. Buying your own condom is the only way to know for sure that no one's put a pinprick hole in it. Oh, yeah. People do stuff like that. It's called "entrapment" and this won't be the first time someone tries it on you.

If you're embarrassed to buy your own condoms, or afraid someone you know will see you, drive to the next county over. Well, in your case, maybe the next country over. You know what, that's not going to work either, you're just too well known.

How about this: get a post office box using your middle name, buy some condoms over the Internet, and have the condoms shipped to the P.O. box.

But which condoms do you choose? That is a personal decision, Justin, and not one I can make for you. There are so many options out there. My advice is, until you become more experienced, keep it simple. Colors and flavors may be a nice ice breaker, but you seem like a guy who wants to wait for someone special to come along, so my guess is by the time you're in the heat of the moment, you're just going to want a condom that's easy to get on and does the job. You don't need one that plays "Billie Jean" and smells like a chocolate chip cookie.

Next, you want to practice putting them on. That should be fun! Before you start wasting any condoms (I know you're rich, but they can get expensive), try ripping open a few tea bag sleeves with your teeth first. I recommend chamomile -- you don't want to get too jittery at this point! When that tearing action starts to feel natural, move on to the condoms.

When you're ready for the next stage, take the condom out of its sleeve and center it over the tip of a banana, Italian squash, or fully-cooked and cooled bratwurst, and then roll it completely down. If you feel embarrassed and are afraid you won't even get this far, and that someone in the grocery store will think you're buying fruit, vegetables, and sausage to have sex with, don't worry! Most people will simply think you're an adventurous eater.

I know that condoms aren't 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy or STDs, but apart from total abstinence, they're your best bet right now.

I'm glad we had this little talk.

Photo by Eugene Gologursky/Getty

Quiz: How Much Do You Really Know About Halloween?

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 13:36:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Many of the holidays we celebrate in the West have some questionable historical foundations, and in some ways, it doesn't matter. Christmas is no less wonderful even with the knowledge that Jesus wasn't actually born on December 25, and Halloween probably benefits from the giant gap between honoring hallowed saints and finding a girl in a sexy vampire costume passed out in your bushes.

The mythology of Halloween is a strange one, though. Guess which ones of the following are true and which ones are false.

1. On Halloween night, 1926, Harry Houdini died of a brain hemorrhage after spending 25 minutes immersed in a bath of ice-cold water, unable to escape from his straitjacket.

2. On Halloween night in 1978, a group of people in Norris, Michigan, tried to conjure the ghost of Harry Houdini at a seance by putting his favorite snack, lox and bagels, into a giant can of milk.

3. Trick-or-treating comes from the late medieval practice of souling, when poor people would go to rich people's doors and ask for food in return for prayers for the dead. Those who didn't give food would get pranked or vandalized.

4. An average of 7,500 dogs get sick every Halloween after eating chocolate out of unattended candy bags.

5. In 1977, the Mainway Novelties company marketed an "Invisible Pedestrian" costume for children that was simply an all-black jumpsuit with gloves and a mask.

6. Since 1950, children and adults have collected more than $19 million by trick-or-treating for UNICEF.

7. In 1973, police departments in Los Angeles, Detroit, and Philadelphia concluded that 63 percent of reports of razor blades, glass, syringes, and drugs tainting Halloween candy were hoaxes.

8. The Halloween Problem is a phenomenon in computing when a database update causes a computer to act as though it's gone one day back in time.

9. In 1982, hospitals in Munhill, Pennsylvania, offered to X-ray children's Halloween candy for pins and razor blades.

10. In the 1850s, before people started using pumpkins, jack-o'-lanterns were made from taxidermied pigs' heads.

ANSWERS

1. False. Houdini died from a ruptured appendix after receiving an unexpected punch in the stomach.

2. True

3. True

4. False. I could find no statistics for this, even though it does happen. Educate!

5. False. It's just a skit from Saturday Night Live.

6. False. The amount collected since 1950 is more than $144 million.

7. True

8. Sort of true. It's more complicated than that.

9. True

10. False. They were made from scooped-out turnips.

Photo by Robert Couse-Baker/Flickr

Let's Get Creative With This Border Fence Thing

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:50:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

If there's one thing the Republican presidential candidates agree on, it's that we need fences along our border.

It's the only way to keep our citizens from escaping to Canada for free healthcare, or running off to Mexico to enjoy their cheap gasoline and cold beer. Canadians are sick of footing the bill for Americans too lazy to get jobs that provide health benefits. Mexicans are tired of us vomiting all over their beaches.

The only way to keep our neighbors as friendly and passive as we're used to them being is to build giant walls between our nations.

Last summer, after President Obama remarked that some Republicans seemed to want a moat filled with alligators in addition to a fence, [Herman] Cain responded by saying that he would indeed add an alligator-filled moat to his proposed fence, which would be topped with electrified barbed wire. -- Edward Wyatt in The New York Times

They are tired of paying for other people's items, they are tired of paying for illegal immigration. -- Michele Bachmann

Good fences make good neighbors. -- 17th-century proverb

But why stop at electrifying it? Let's get creative with our border-sealing solutions. If we're going to design a real good human barrier, we should look at a few examples of other walls people have built to keep out other people they don't like.

Roughly 2,000 years ago, the Romans built Hadrian's Wall to keep out the Picts, who legendarily painted themselves blue before running screaming at you. The Picts liked raiding Britain because Britain was part of the Roman Empire and the Picts hated the Romans and their bossy, genocidal ways. You can still see what's left of Hadrian's Wall as it gently crosses the land from sea to sea, just south of the Scottish border. These days you can just step over it, and people from the National Trust spray it with weed killer occasionally so it won't get overgrown with heather.

The Chinese, of course, also have a wall. It is not covered in weeds, and you can see it from space. It's quite a tourist attraction.

Berlin used to have a wall, but it got torn down in chunks and turned into art.

I think the problem with all these walls is that they were designed with more attention to function than to form. This is where American ingenuity and imagination can come into play. Herman Cain's thought about an alligator-filled moat along the Mexican border has real appeal on the imaginative front, though the plan breaks down when you factor in the cost of digging 1,951 miles of moat that crosses a variety of terrains and ecosystems, and then filling it with thousands of man-eating creatures. Creatures that, if they're doing their job and scaring off illegal immigrants, will need something else to eat besides illegal immigrants. I once saw a man chop up a chicken carcass and feed it to an alligator when I was visiting Mexico, so I imagine we could enter into a cooperative agreement with the Mexican government and ask them to help us feed the alligators that are, after all, keeping us drunken Americans off their beaches. If there's a drought and alligators all die off, we can line the whole thing in plastic, divert the Rio Grande, and forget our differences by turning the whole thing into a Slip-N-Slide.

Since alligators don't do well in cold weather and few people want to wear a swimsuit when it's 10 degrees below zero, our Canadian border needs a different approach. I'm thinking a star-spangled, maple-scented, all-weather roller coaster.

Hear me out. I've been to the world's biggest mall in Edmonton and guess what it has? That's right, a roller coaster. Canadians will appreciate the tourist dollars it will bring from Americans traveling north for stomach-dropping thrills rather than discount lasik surgery, and we can split the running costs, the proceeds from ticket sales, and the jobs created by this magical celebration of our separateness.

Why aren't I running for president?

Images top to bottom via david_shankbone/Flickr; superfem/Flickr

Girls Just Want to Have Peace

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 22:15:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Last week it was announced that his year's Nobel Prize for Peace was going to three women "for their non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women’s rights to full participation in peace-building work." Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the president of Liberia, shared the prize with her sister in disarmament, Leymah Gbowee, and Yemeni journalist Tawakel Karman.

Shall we talk about why this is awesome?

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, 72, has transformed Liberia from a country run by warlords and drug-addled child soldiers to a nation invested in literacy, markets, and the serious prosecution of rape.

Sirleaf's particular brand of awesomeness lies in her disinclination to give up in the face of brutality, even after being arrested, jailed, threatened, and exiled multiple times.

Mrs. Sirleaf, who has four sons, is also quite the smartypants.

She married at 17 and moved to the U.S. with her husband, ending up in Madison, Wisconsin. What's there to do in Madison? I suppose she could have started The Onion, but instead she got a degree in accounting from Madison Business College, and then went on to earn a degree in economics from the University of Colorado, Boulder, and a master's in public administration from Harvard. So by the time the whole president-of-a-developing-country gig came along, she knew what she had to do to get her country out of $4.9 billion in debt, and so far (fingers crossed!) she's kept it that way.

Some say it's a political move on the part of the Nobel committee to award Sirleaf on the eve of her re-election, and as of this writing she's well ahead in the polls.

Leymah Gbowee, 39, was a counsellor and social worker before becoming a peace activist. The mother of six children and president of her Lutheran church, she had an important early realization of her own power. Deep in the trenches of Liberia's first civil war, working as a trauma counsellor for former child soldiers, she realized that "if any changes were to be made in society it had to be by the mothers."

Gbowee's interfaith women's peace movement was so successful that their unrelenting and creative protests are credited with bringing about the end of the second Liberian civil war in 2004. That's right, a bunch of Christian and Muslim women got together and asked themselves, "what kind of pressure can we put on the government that they'll actually notice?" They staged silent protests; they prayed and they sang; they marched wearing white t-shirts; and, most famously, they had a sex strike and threatened to curse any man who came near.

The curse Gbowee invoked came from an old African belief that

women give life and they can take it away. The curse is invoked only under the most extreme circumstances and men who are exposed are considered dead. No one will cook for them, marry them, enter into any kind of contract with them or buy anything from them. The curse extends to foreign men as well, who will go impotent or suffer some great harm.

Part of winning the battle is knowing your enemy's weaknesses, and in this case the mere threat of exposing themselves was enough to bring an end to war. Damn, ladies! Nice work.

Our third Nobel Peace laureate comes from Yemen. Tawakel Karman, 32, is a journalist and human rights advocate who helped found the group Woman Journalists Without Chains to protest censorship, and was an inspirational player in the mostly male-led Arab Spring protests.

The first Yemeni woman and the youngest person ever to win a Nobel, she's done a lot to deserve the nickname "Iron Woman." Her work in peacefully organizing young people against the dictatorship of President Saleh impressed those in and outside of Yemen, but they still have a ways to go. Saleh is back and his troops are firing at unarmed protesters this week.

Though Karman, the mother of three, once fully veiled herself in the traditional manner, she switched to a head scarf when she realized that eye contact was an important tool in organizing and getting her message across, pointing out that the veil is a cultural symbol, but is not required by Islam.

The Nobel committee had a very clear point to make in awarding this year's prize to three women: "We cannot achieve democracy and lasting peace in the world unless women obtain the same opportunities as men to influence developments at all levels of society."

Or as Gbowee says,

In the past we were silent, but after being killed, raped, dehumanized, and infected with diseases, and watching our children and families destroyed, war has taught us that the future lies in saying NO to violence and YES to peace! We will not relent until peace prevails.

Photos top to bottom: DFID/Flickr ;Gary Gershoff/Getty;Island Spice/Flickr

Occupy Wall Street: What the Heck Is It All About?

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:49:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Why, how, what, and who is occupying Wall Street? Funny you should ask. A Twitter search using the #OccupyWallStreet hashtag turns up links to innumerable articles and YouTube videos from a movement with "a million spokespersons."

But let's break the story down into bite-sized chunks. It's easier to digest that way.

1. Who is occupying Wall Street? A quick glance through the major news sites -- hey, they're paying attention now! It only took three weeks -- shows photos of people of all races, ages, classes, and political affiliations camped out in Zuccotti Park. Most appear to be white and under 30, and the hard core of protesters is unemployed (or else they accrued a lot of vacation time from Lehman Bros. and they have a sense of humor). Seriously, though, the population shifts from hour to hour and those with jobs and high profiles (Susan Sarandon, Mark Ruffalo) come down whenever work schedules allow. World War II vets are there. Moms are marching, too.

2. "They still look like hippies to me. Don't they know they'd be taken more seriously if they wore something nice from the Gap?" I'm not sure that the best way to fight against the enormous influence of huge corporations on global trade would be to show up wearing a kicky sun dress that was sewn together by a Malaysian teenager. "But if they cut their hair and took a bath, maybe they'd have jobs!" you might say. If there were jobs to be had, I'm sure some of them might cut their hair and laser off their tattoos. But this is political theater, as we saw when a bunch of protesters dressed up like money-eating zombies on Monday. Protesters use their clothes to get attention. People got upset when the suffragettes wore trousers. It's just a thing.

3. So what do they want? It depends on whom you ask. Some address civil rights; others just enjoy group hugs. Most share a base anger at the financial institutions they feel are responsible for our rotten economy, the unions that have betrayed the working class, and the fact that corporations are running the United States instead of the people who were elected to do so. Among younger protesters, a common shared complaint revolves around crawling out from under student loan debt (which, unlike a bad mortgage, cannot be walked away from). For older people who have lost their jobs, insurance, health care, and/or hope, joining the protest or even posting their stories on We Are the 99 Percent has given those "who played by the rules, did what they were told, and now have nothing to show for it" a place to cry, vent, and simply be heard.

4. Sounds peaceful. Why are people getting arrested? Beats me. You don't see tear gas at Tea Party rallies, and those people can get pretty angry. If protesters were indeed led into a trap on the Brooklyn Bridge, it only served to make the police look bad and draw more support for the protesters.

5. Who's in charge? Nobody yet, but seasoned activists say that this could prove to be a training ground for future protest organizers.

6. Is this going to be the left's response to the Tea Party? As fulfilling as saving the whales has been, the left could use a reinvigorated base with a solid domestic issue to rally around. As of yet, the protests are unaffiliated with any political party, but maybe that's for the best, says Bill Van Auken at the World Socialist Web Site, who writes, "As this movement develops, it faces the danger, as so often happens with every form of protest in America, of being channeled into the grip of the Democratic Party." In other words, once protesters align themselves with a political party, that party can use the protests to advance their own interests, which might not necessarily reflect those of the protesters. I mean, if billionaire George Soros is already sympathizing with your plight, what exactly do you have to do to scare the powers that be?

7. I can't travel to New York or Boston or Los Angeles. How can I get involved? New protests are popping up across the U.S. daily. Start one in your town today!

Image by Carwil Bjork-James/Flickr

10 Reasons You Should Miss Andy Rooney

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 18:16:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Andy Rooney, the occasionally-lovable and often out-of-touch grump who shows up on TV every Sunday night for two minutes and thirty seconds, is retiring. Why should you care? I'll tell you why: because between all the Housewives, tiara-wearing toddlers, and pit-bull wranglers, there aren't many places on television for someone's great-grandfather to speculate on whether the Pope has any change in his pocket. Who else is going to come up with those sorts of small, weird observations that make you yell, "WHY ARE YOU PAID TO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS ON TV?"

It wasn't always so. Andy Rooney, who turns 93 in January, has had a long and rich career as a writer and producer. Here are 10 reasons why his work, if not necessarily his opinions on modern art, mattered.

After flying with the Eighth Air Force on the first bombing raid over Germany in World War II, he was one of the first witnesses to report from a concentration camp and describe the horrors that had taken place there without much of the world's knowledge. He was arrested for sitting at the back of a segregated bus during a civil rights protest in the 1940s, and also participated in sit-ins with black soldiers during his military service. He's an unapologetic atheist. "I don't understand religion at all," said Rooney in a 2004 interview with The Tufts Daily. "I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense." He wouldn't put up with Ali G's shenanigans. He apologized when he made mistakes. After saying that "too much alcohol, too much food, drugs, homosexual unions, cigarettes ... [are] all known to lead quite often to premature death," he came back on air and said that he felt badly about implying that gay men were self-destructive. He did not want to be known "as a racist bigot and as someone who had made life a little more difficult for homosexuals," Rooney said. "I felt terrible about that, and I've learned a lot." He built his own desk, and not out of a kit from IKEA, but from a giant slab of walnut. And it looks like he did a pretty nice job, too. He's nosy as all get-out. In one segment, he went out on the street and rifled through people's purses, backpacks, and shoulder bags, and no one complained. (At least not on camera.) He's actually kind of funny sometimes. "My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday." He loved his wife. He was married to his wife, Margie, for 62 years and together they had four children. He's the voice of a dying generation and there will never be another one quite like him.

Good luck, Andy! I hope you get some help moving that desk out of your office; it looks heavy.

Image via CBS

Which World Leader Is the Angriest?

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 19:00:00 EDT

Post by Eden M. Kennedy

Who's the angriest leader in the world this week? With so many to choose from, we should get our system of evaluation straight before we proceed. Each leader gets one point for making a strongly worded speech, two points for standing up to the opposition, five points for righteous indignation, and negative 12 points for staying in his hotel room instead of flying home to deal with the problem (even if he did have a decent excuse).

Let's start with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny, who is SO MAD at the Vatican right now. The whole thing started over the summer when, after years of patiently expecting the Catholic Church to punish the priests, bishops, and nuns who were found to have raped, tortured, or abused the children in their care, Mr. Kenny turned into a total bad-ass and called church leaders a bunch of lying jerks.

Well, no, actually he used better adjectives to describe the dysfunction of Catholic bureaucracy. For centuries Ireland has been in the top five Most Reverent Outposts of Catholicism -- divorce wasn't legal there until 1995, and even now if you want an abortion, you'll have to try your luck elsewhere -- but an enormous sea change seems to be taking place. According to The New York Times, last week the Irish government announced legislation that it hopes will make the church accountable to local authorities, instead of just to itself. In a related move that was inspired by Kenny's strong stance, the Irish Times reports that two U.S. advocacy groups filed charges against Pope Benedict XVI in the International Criminal Court in the Hague last week on behalf of abuse survivors. What? Someone thinks the Pope is an international criminal for covering up years (*cough* centuries *cough*) of widespread abuse? Unsurprisingly, Kenny's entire government announced that they're leaving the church to become Druids. "Druidism is on the upswing in Ireland, as is Rosicrucianism, Pantheism, and Vanmorrisonism," reports a senior government spokesperson. "The equinox celebrations tomorrow are going to be out of control. Woooo!"

8 points for Kenny

Meanwhile, U.S. President Barack Obama has finally raised his blood pressure above a resting 52 by getting really pissed off about unemployment, taxes, rich people not paying enough in taxes, and Republicans disagreeing with whatever he says about anything. (The last one must especially gall him when certain Republicans are on record agreeing with what he says, just not when he says it.) And today, after a speech to the U.N. General Assembly in which he said, essentially, "Yes, Palestine deserves statehood, but it needs to make friends with Israel first. Why is that so hard? Because peace is hard. Also, why do they want to be part of the United Nations? It's not that great. Sure, your diplomats get those cool license plates, but you have to go out on the sidewalk to smoke." Even Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France, was all, "Really, dude? My wife is pregnant, I haven't had a cigarette in months. Get ahold of yourself."

3 points for Obama

Also in New York for U.N. speechifying is Japanese prime minister Yoshihiko Noda, who is just totally bummed right now. It's not enough that he's still dealing with the fallout (oh, God, pun not intended) from last spring's earthquake/nuclear disaster, but now it's starting to rain really hard. Typhoon Roke hit Japan on Wednesday causing 1.2 million people to evacuate, and 13 people are missing or dead. "We just can't catch a break," Noda sighed as he symbolically cut holes in a Hefty bag to use as a rain poncho. Thousands of people who survived March's devastating tsunami are now terrified of mudslides and radioactive floodwater. "After my term is over, I'm going to get a job delivering flowers," said Noda. "I just want to do something that makes people happy for once."

-12 points for Noda

THE ANGRIEST WORLD LEADER IS ...

ENDA KENNY! Congratulations, Mr. Kenny, if I had a "Question Authority" bumper sticker, I would totally send it to you. Mr. Obama, have you tried a nicotine patch? Mr. Noda, better luck next time and we hope this storm blows over soon.

Images via European People's Party/Flickr, the White House/Flickr, and Alex Wong/Getty