AND I DID.

Meaning 11 real live strangers on the internet watched an instant replay of my character walking into a wall and spinning in circles to the sound of a triumphant victory fanfare, all with my user name emblazoned onscreen in giant glowing letters.

John actually got light-headed, he laughed so hard. I had to remind him to breathe.

My point here, of course, is that brainless moments of personal embarrassment should always be witnessed - nay, celebrated - by strangers on the internet.

OH HEY LOOK:

And my personal favorite:

[plays Triumphant Victory Fanfare]

Thanks to Katherine V., Carolyn H., Mindy V., Stacy M., & Alicia F. for making me feel much better about my video game skills. And yes, to my fellow gamers looking for confirmation: it *was* Overwatch. TOR MAIN FOREVAHHHHH.

*****

P.S. Need a cool gift for the person who has everything? Then how about a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Pop-Up Bouquet, "Pumpkin Harvest"

I've been raving about Fresh Cut Paper for a while now, and they just added two new Fall designs: this "Pumpkin Harvest" bouquet:

...and a pop-up wreath!? Ohhh, this is cool:

When I send my grandmother cards she likes to tack them up up on her wall, so I just sent her this one, which is meant to hang up, and doubles as pretty Fall decor. There are more styles, too, so go see all the Fresh Cut Paper designs here.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

And more importantly, can Jen find an excuse to post some of the rad vintage birthday cakes you guys have been sending in?

Let's find out, with...

EPIC CAKE BATTLES OF HISTORY!!

THEN:

I pity the fool who doesn't recognize Hulk Hogan & Mr. T.

VS

NOW:

THEN:

VS

NOW:

THEN:

VS

NOW:

"I stopped listening after 'cabbage'."
(Yup, it's cake. Cabbagey, cabbagey cake.)

THEN:

VS

NOW:

THEN:

VS

NOW:

Who WON? Who LOST?
YOU decide!!

And keep sending in those vintage birthday cakes, because seriously, these things are amazing.

Thanks to Robert T., Elizabeth B., Jason R., Tiki C., Jason R., Kristi C., Lindsay S., Karen H., Susan M., & Brittany J. - and a hat tip to Epic Rap Battles of History for all the lolz.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises and has over 10,000 5-star ratings!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

See?

However.

Like all fun new lingo we youngin's use [WHAT I'M YOUNG], this may confuse some of the less hip, less "with it," less "I have a Tumblr account and I know how to use it" crowd.

So just to be clear, bakers, "spoopy" is something you SAY, not something you try to illustrate:

o.0

And you thought having a birthday near a major holiday was crappy.

BONUS SPOOPAGE!

To the utter shock of absolutely no one, it turns out I have TWO spoopy birthday ghosts. This one is cuter, but more confusing

I mean, why is the ghost spitting out poopy Junior Mints?

Or wait... WAIT.

Are those... Peppermint Patties?

I can't wait to reblog this on Tumblr once I get an account and figure out how to use it.

Thanks to Regina S., Brian M., & Amy S. for the minty fresh spoop.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

It's not just the warm colors, though; I love rich jewel tones and gleaming metallics:

[By Arte & Sabor in Costa Rica]

Not to mention the natural touches of tree bark and dried leaves:

[By Bellaria Cake Design in the Netherlands]

It's all so elegant, but manages to feel welcoming at the same time - like a warm hug that smells of spices and rain. Mmmm.

Check out this gilded beauty with her sugar marble base:

[By Have Some Cake in the UK]

Fit for an Autumn Queen!

This mossy number has the sweetest succulent accents:

[By Chiki New York]

I love how bright and modern it is - and those curled ferns!

Have you noticed all the pale aqua touches in the Fall decor hitting stores right now? It's so unexpected, but I freaking love it. Especially when you pair it with copper or warm golds, like this:

[By Sonja Mclean, who has a tutorial here!]

Hnnnng. So good.

Check out the hanging wedding rings on this cutie:

[By Asli of Mutlu Gün Kurabiyecisi in Turkey]

D'awww. So fun!

Autumn needs more purple, right? Especially purples like this?

[By Nix Kitchen in Malaysia]

Those greenery swags make the whole cake!

I need to see someone slicing through this sugar "bark"; it looks too real!

[By That Little Cake Place in the UK]

WOWIE. I just... I just want to poke it.
SOMEBODY PLEASE POKE THE CAKE FOR ME.

Oooh, these rough scraped metallics are speaking to my soul:

[By Have Some Cake in the UK]

Those red streaks? And the way the gold blends right into the cake board? And just, you know, all of it? ::knowing nod of extreme approval::

This last one is definitely filled with Autumn Magic, gang, because it is straight up levitating:

[By Shelby Elizabeth Cakes in Texas, featured here.]

I'll just be over here collecting my jaw off the desk.

I hope these made you smile! Happy Sunday!

Well, doesn't that sight make you, like, totally hungry?

NEEDS MOAR HANDS.

If you'll excuse me, Katie A., I'll just be over here screaming forever. (And they're saying my doll-and-butcher-knife mobile is creepy. YEESH.)

PS - I just had a lengthy conversation with John about that ring and hand placement. That has to be the pointer finger, guys. IT HAS TO. Otherwise, ouch. 

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Star Wars!

"Come to the dark side, we have sh*tty lightsabers."

And we're also celebrating Proper Proportions!
Wooohoo!

"It's not the size, it's how you... oh. On second thought, in this case? It's the size."

Not to mention just getting out there and having a good time!

Hehehehehehehehe.

(Like that ball placement wasn't intentional, bakers. COME ON.)

Quick shout out to everyone just now realizing these cakes are supposed to be baseball bats, and that's what the heck I'm talking about.

'SUP.

Hang on, I'm getting a note from John here...

OHHHH it's supposed to be Halloween bats?

I can do that.

One black butterfly, comin' up!

See, once you start thinking of bats as those old Glo Worm dolls from the 80s with wings, this totally makes sense.

Thanks to Jessica L., Angela D., Katy H., & Sarah S. for making me wonder what a DC reboot of Glo Worm would look like. I bet he'd be a gritty crime-fighter with mechanical wings, and the movie tagline would be "Glo Worm Returns: LIGHTS OUT, BAD GUYS" and before every fight he'd yell, "IT'S GLO TIME!" while his sidekick Barry Beetle just rolls his eyes at the camera, Jim-from-The-Office-style.

Yeah, thanks for that, Sarah.

*****

P.S. Just to really lean into this tangent: have you SEEN the World's Smallest Glo Worm?

World's Smallest Glo Worm

It even lights up when you squeeze it. And it costs less than $10! The perfect teeny gift for any child of the 80s, or yourself, because who are we kidding here. ;)

****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

From the wreckers who brought you... Monkey Ball!

Handsy McStrangles-A-Lot:

Bee-Elzebub:

Ham Head!

And this candle:

Comes the most terrifying children's birthday cake of 2014.

She's not here to be sweet.

She's not here to be your friend.

She's here...

["But mooo-ooooom! I want a PRINCESS CAKE!!"]

...for just desserts.

Thanks to Deirdre M., Anony M., Charesse, Tiffany Z., Emma P. (who found the candle in a vintage cake decorating manual), & Angela F. for the perfect princess-craze antidote.

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D)

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Oooh. So close.

This one's more like tripping and falling in front of a bunch of people, then getting up like nothing happened and limping off with a whistle just to show you meant to do that:

Bad news, Moms-To-Be: you're about to experience painful contractions.

Ahh, but nothing, NOTHING compares to reading this last cake aloud:

And that's how you sound like a Southern Belle wishing her hoo-haw a happy birthday, y'all.

Thanks to Melissa B., Desiree P., & Deedra G. for inflicting that fabulous new nickname on Virginias everywhere.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that make your head hurt, a friend recently got me this gel cap for my migraines, and sweet icy Stay Puft, y'all, it's amazing:

Migraine Hot/Cold Gel Cap

I have a huge head and a lot of hair, so it's pretty snug on me, but the extra pressure with the cold is heavenly during a migraine. I used to hold a cold pack and keep shifting it around from side to side, but this wraps my entire skull in a cooling hug. Ahhhh so good.

I keep the gel cap sealed in the fridge all the time now, so I can grab it as soon as a headache starts up. The cold only lasts 15-20 minutes, but it's 1000% worth it in my book, highly recommend.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Just a PSA to let you know your friendly neighborhood wreckerators have been MOST productive this week.

Check out what's "Coming Soooooon."

(It's actually supposed to read "Boooo," but my version is way scarier when you throw sperm into the mix, am I right?)

(Granted, almost EVERYTHING edible is scarier when you... sorry. I'll stop now.)

Yeah. My thoughts exactly, little guys.
(Look at their little arm floaties! D'awwwww. So adorable.)

Of course, as we ladies know, it only takes one:

Ghost, that is.

You know, to scare you.

It only takes one ghost to scare you.

Because these are all TOTALLY ghosts we're talking about.

Right, guys?

"Yep, only ghosts here!"

"We're super scary!"

"OoooOOOOoooo!"

"Anyone seen any giant bubbles we can head-butt really hard?"

"SHUT UP PHIL WE'RE GHOSTS"

Thanks to Bethany E., Erin W., Jen N., & Jennifer K. for the weirdest sex ed class ever.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises, has over 10,000 5-star ratings, and is on sale this week for $6 Prime!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Kind of like this cutie-patootie kitty cake!

(By Tasteful Cakes in California)

Isn't it purr-fect?
(I'm getting the puns out of the way early. You're welcome.)

Check out this sweet vintage style:

[By Moja Slatka Radionica in Serbia]

D'awww. The ruffly roses are a sweet touch.

John and I have two felines of mass destruction and for some reason this one reminded me of Eva after her spay day a few years ago:

[By Bake My Day By Marta Behnke]

:D

Some delicate kitty silhouettes:

[By Stephanie's Cakes]

Look at those details! I love the pink yarn ball and little hair bow.

Also digging this cute cartoony style:

(By Cake by Agnieszka)

The little mice!

While this one is all about sleek lines:

[Baker unknown]

Change the color and it also works for Halloween!

This prosh little tabby is almost - ALMOST - upstaged by the incredible sweater texture below her:

(By Cakes Mogilev in Belarus)

Look at that "knit" sugar! And the little pom-poms!

Another kitty straight out of a story book:

[By Cakes Decor member Veronica in Slovakia]

All hand-painted!

This one screams - er, yowls? - "Paris" to me:

[By Sweetlake Cakes]

Look closely; some of the polka dots are paw prints.

And finally, a sweet kitty smile in the cheeriest pastels:

[By Natalia Casaballe]

Anyone else in the mood for cake right meow? :)

I hope these made you smile! Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. Fellow cat lovers, I found us the perfect corner shelf:

Stretching Cat Corner Shelf

LOOK HOW CUTE!
(If you don't like the wood look, it also comes in white, gray, and black.)

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

("Cue music!")

If they change their MINDS!

Pipe on thick white lines.

Wait, that's not 3?

Cross it out! Who'll see?

Don't want your mistakes to show?

Slap some frosting down!

Go on fix it, THEY won't know!

Everyone likes brown!

If you're all a-LONE!
'cause the bak'ry staff has gone.
Get a piping plea?

Try a black Sharpie!

Wanna do your VERY best?
Scrape it off, bye-bye!

Transform that MINNIE mess!
Now it's a bow tie.

Take a chance, you'll see...

(That's all I ask of you... Buddy?)

All this cake ain't free!

[music screeches to a halt]

Er, that'll be $37.50, please.

Thanks to Christina B., Limmuel B., Katie T., Stephanie P., Chay H., Kristin A., Kris, & Wendy B for the Money Money Money.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

You know what that means.

BRING ON THE HALLOWEEN CAKES!!

Aw yeeeeah. This is gonna be good.

YASSSS

Is that a ghost being electrocuted?

BECAUSE I LIKE IT.

Er...

I mean... Sure! Yeah! Keep 'em coming!

Wait, what...?

Why?

Is that a nipple

what is happening

stop it

Thanks to E.L., Jack, Crickie, Alacia, Jennifer C., Tina S., Lorinda R., & Igor V. for the reminder that something wrecky this way comes. Actually, a lot of somethings. And I, for one, CAN'T WAIT. Muahahaaaaaa!

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D)

"Here, in the blinding flash of our hidden wildlife cameras, we behold a truly majestic moment."

[...]

[...]

[trumpet-like fart blast]

***

"Her prey captured, the Snoot-Tusked Vander Hooper must now remain here, fangs embedded in the forest floor, until help arrives."

::contemplative chewing sounds::

*****

"Their mating call may seem unusual - even bizarre - but the Ball-Footed Duck Dong swears this works with the ladies."

"Hey girl, you up?"

Thanks to Joel N., Priscilla L., & Kacy for answering nature's call and being our #1 fans.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Now available in cupcakes!

Oh, and while we're at it...

BROADWAY OCTOPUS WANTS TO SING:

[[jazz tentacles]]

BOW-TIED OCTOPUS WANTS TO LIMBO:

FATALISTIC OCTOPUS WANTS TO CARTWHEEL:

"This will end in tears."

And, uh, Derpy here just wants a hug:

"Derp!"

Thanks to Rebecca S., Kristin S., Diane H., April R., & Lesley M. for joining me in a rousing rendition of "Octopodes have EIGHT legs, bakers. EIIIIGHT!" And now...  jazz tentacles!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Or, ok, maybe you will.

Ah, but can you decipher the exact words used in this phone call?

Nailed it.

Hey, you're good at this!

Now, how well can you follow directions?

Nice to know Jackie keeps herself centered.

Marissa's boss was leaving on a trip, so she wanted to get a cake that said, "So................" as an inside joke. She specified that there should be 18 dots, so...

Good luck with that, Marissa.

(I like how the baker spontaneously switched to cursive for just the letter R.)

(Also, "Fallowing?" You ever wonder what these bakers THINK they're writing?)

And finally, you guys will never guess where the baker is going with this one!

Now with bonus color commentary on today's post: the cast of Hogan's Heroes, everybody!

Thanks, guys.

And thanks to Beth M., Jenny S., Sky C., Marissa, & Robert F. for addressing the problem.

*****

P.S. Here's a fun gift for the kids in your life this spooky season:

Little Blue Truck's Halloween Board Book

It's interactive with lift-the-flap surprises and has over 10,000 5-star ratings!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Why?

Because after ten years of searching out the best cakes the web has to offer, it takes a lot to impress me. And Elena Gnut, a culinary artist from Kaliningrad, Russia, knocks my sugar-loving socks off. Her cakes are pure art, incredibly unique, and I think you're going to love them.

Here, just look at her hot air balloon cake topped with floating butterflies:

That's all hand-painted! And her soft watercolors on the butterflies make them feel like something out of a dream.

More surreal sweetness: this leaping goldfish:

Everything here seems to defy gravity - and you KNOW those chocolate orbs are filled with something delicious.

I love the 3D sculpted wings on this fairy/angel:

And speaking of sculpting... this is cake:

WOW.

This one should be on a marble plinth in an art museum:

In fact, Elena could sell photos of this, right? I think I could stare at those textures all day.

Have you picked up on the subtle Gothic vibe to Elena's work? If so, then it probably won't surprise you that she's a big Tim Burton fan:

And can we talk about the genius of a Tim Burton-inspired Snow White and Little Mermaid?!

Most of Elena's cakes are pure whimsy, though, light and sweet:

D'awwwww. I may have squeed rather loudly over this one.

Another gravity-defyer:

Look at those feathery clouds! They must be cotton candy, but they look so much like real down feathers its messing with my brain.

This one has a kind of rose petal wind chime on top:

Again, dreamy and beautiful.

This one caught my eye since my parents are currently touring the midwest on their Harley:

I adore that soft color palette - so rustic and peaceful.

And finally, one last show-stopper (can you tell I'm binging Great British Bake-Off?) that literally made me gasp:

Absolutely stunning.

Elena is the only baker I follow on Instagram, and that's some of the highest praise I can give. Go give her follow for more eye candy like this in your feed, and be sure to browse the rest of her account, too, because dang, you guys. DANG.

Just to be clear, this post is not sponsored in any way, and Elena has no idea who I am. I just wanted to share something Sweet. :)

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

P.S. It's never too early to start decorating for spooky season, and these stick-on bats were my biggest hit last year:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

Have you ever noticed something... off... about Peppa Pig's nose?

I only ask because I keep getting Peppa Pig cakes over here, and they're surprisingly, er, adult for a kids' cake, if you know what I mean.

Admit it: if you'd never seen Peppa Pig before this would make you spit out your Diet Coke. I mean, what is that lizard doing?

Granted, if you do know what Peppa looks like, that's not too bad.

[sing-song] BUT THISSSS IS!

Flashing Flops Of Fleshy Flaccid Frosting, Batman!

My theory is these bakers see exactly what we see - c'mon, let's call a dong a dong here - but they're so determined to NOT see it that their subconscious takes over, gleefully piping out penises left and right because "WE'RE ALLOWED TO NOW, IT'S A PIG NOSE! WHEEEEEE!"

C'mon, that's basically every 9-year-old boy's dream job.

But still, bakers, at some point you've gone too far.
And that point is riiiiiight around.... here:

Oink oink, motherfluffers.

Thanks to Liz B., J-la, & Nadya S. for the excuse to make a Beyoncé-the-chicken joke. FINALLY.

*****

P.S. If you've never read any of The Bloggess' hilariously gut-busting books, then I highly recommend starting with her first and working your way forward:

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

The paperback is only $10 Prime, and be warned: the chapter with the raccoon hands WILL threaten your bladder control. :D

[striking dramatic pose]

Poo bee...

... or NOT poo bee?

That is the question.

[raising fist to the heavens]

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes,

Or to take arms against a sea of tribbles!

["Meep?"]

and by opposing...

END THEM.

["MEEP!"]

[raising both arms and bellowing]

Tie dye!!

To seep no more!

And by a sheep,

today we end the heartache

and the thousand natural shocks...

... is that a hair?! EW!

[Ahem.]

'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Tie dye, to seep, perchance on buttercream!

Aye,

There's the flub.

Blow, winds, and crack your heartfelt thanks to Jennifer T., Janet, Carol F., Lilly P., Amanda M., Alli S., Christy L., Sarah F., Sarah Jane, Brittany B., Paige H., and Karyn T, our Shakespearean pros.

****

PS: Been a while since English Lit 101? Then here, let me google that for you:

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep

No more; and by a sleep, to say we end

The Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks

That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,

To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub."

****

And if you think those are batty, check these bebehs out:

3D Halloween Bats, Exterior Grade, 60 pc set

They're made of sturdy plastic, come in 4 different sizes, and have adhesive pads to easily stick them up anywhere in or outside your home. (I put a whole belfry of them on our front door.) (I don't know if "belfry" is right, but I'm going with it. :D) Even better, the whole 60 piece set is only $9 Prime!

No, I'm not talking about porn.

Why would you even think that?

Stop it. Stop thinking about porn.

Er... Right.

Now...

BRING ON THE PUMPKIN SPICE STUFF!!

::upbeat techno music::
::sounds of vrooming engines::

::announcer voice:: Thaaaat's right, ladies and gents, here they come! Our new pumpkin spice products of 2026!

First up, in celebration of today's socio-political climate, here's a tasty little number we call "Ominously Circling Crows Will Teach That Stupid Scarecrow A Lesson He Won't Soon Forget!"

Perfect for sending that seasonal message of warning, or grab one tonight for dinner to celebrate all things corn, crows, and frightened scarecrows!

Of course we're still dropping our flagship product, the world famous PSL:

Yes, our Pumpkin Spice Log may not be number 1 yet in the Pumpkin Spice Product market, but it's definitely #2. And we pledge to keep on pushing until our PSL is the biggest Pumpkin Spice Movement in the land!

There's nothing like the colors of dead leaves to bring new life to your flagging ennui, which is why our "Make Like A Tree, And Die" cupcake cake is PERFECT for Fall office parties.

Ahhh, you can almost taste the leaf mold.
(That's how you know the Pumpkin Spice is working!)

And when all else fails, you can't go wrong with any of our new-and-improved "Sure, Let's Call It A Pumpkin?" collection:

Please note our "Sure, Let's Call It A Pumpkin?" collection is not pumpkin flavored. To quote our marketing department, Emma, "This is more about the aesthetic, you know?"

SO EXTRA.

Thanks to Sarah T., Katelyn C., Melissa F., Linda F., Alyssa, Mary D., & Bridget O. for bringing the extra pumpkin aesthetic.

*****

P.S. Minions, I believe even questionable pumpkins deserve our support. So here's a quick shout-out to my favorite wire-free bra:

Warner's Easy Does It Seamless Wireless Bra

See what I did there? :p

I own four of these, and plan to keep buying all the colors. I love the under-arm smoothing panel - no dig or pinch! - and like most Warners, these are incredibly comfortable. Up 'til last year I ONLY wore wired bras, and it took buying-and-returning over a dozen different brands and styles before I found these gems. They average $25-30 Prime, but I watch the listing and buy any color that goes on sale. ("Toasted Almond" is on sale as of this writing, but check them all!)

Oh, and be sure to check the image gallery for a better idea of how they look on larger pumpkin patches.

The best part?
THEY WROTE IT IN ALL CAPS.

[sad face here]

"Sprinkles All Over Momther" is the name of my Cake cover band.

Ahhh, NOW you're speaking my language.

(The language... OF WRECKS. [eyebrow waggle])

In a word?
NO.

Thanks to Lani T., Donna C., Patrick L., Anony M., & Rebecca P. for keeping those lines of communication nice and squiggly-like.