Call Hating

The Art of Confusion, Part III

2013-05-02T04:50:00.002-07:00

Telemarketer Robot: "Hello. Is this Michael [redacted]? If this is Michael [redacted], please stay on the line and a representative will be right with you."

*Two minutes and fifty eight seconds later*

Telemarketer: "Hello, my name is James. Can I get your first name, please?"

Me: "I used to be so good at Pogs, they used to call me Strawberry Larry at my Bar Mitzvah."

Telemarketer: "Hi...Larry. I'm James, and I'm with FakeCruizeApalooza, and for taking a quick survey with me, I can get you a free cruise to the Cayman Islands. Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Them old boots smell like someone left the baby on the radiator. Start the plane, Short Round!"

Telemarketer: *pause* "OK Larry, let's get started with your last name."

Me: "Bampbampbazamp."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, was that Bamazan?"

Me: "My power name is Larry Bampbampbazamp. I'll spell it out for you. B-A-M-P-B-A-M-P-B-A-Z-A-M-P. It's Micronesian."

Telemarketer [pausing to type]: "OK, Larry. You don't mind if I call you Larry, do you? What's your mailing address?"

Me: "76 Main Street."

Telemarketer: "Great. City and state?"

Me: "Intercourse, Pennsylvania."

Telemarketer [holding back laughter]: "Excuse me? What was that again, Larry?"

Me: "Intercourse. You know, putting the big stink on the hang down. Your scary uncle taught you about it after he drank a case of Bud Dry while he was babysitting you. That's the name of my town. Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Born and bred."

Telemarketer: "Please hold one moment."

Me: "I'll tell you what. For taste and more it's En-Cor."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Hello? James?"

*hold music for just under two minutes*

Telemarketer: "OK, Mr. Bampbampbazamp. Sorry about the wait, there. I was just having a hard time inputting your address into the system."

Me: "Hey, my name is Luca and I live on the second floor, right?"

Telemarketer: "...yes, I...agree. Now Larry, what is your current profession?"

Me: "I just parted my pubic hair in the middle to make my tummy sword look like Alfalfa."

*click*

How Quickly Can I Make Them Hang Up? Part IV

2012-09-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael [redacted] available?"

Me: "You know what I think? I think you should just take that poop out of the toilet and shove it right back into your butt."

*click*

How Quickly Can I Make Them Hang Up? Part III

2012-08-02T04:54:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available?"

Me: "You want to dock with me?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Wanna dock?"

Telemarketer: "What is docking?"

Me: "Docking is when you place the head of your penis inside the foreskin of another man's penis."

*click*

The Segway Flies Straight

2012-08-01T08:01:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, may I speak with Michael [redacted], please?"

Me: "You're speakin' at him, brother."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Randy and I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh, you know. Ridin' to live, livin' to ride."

Telemarketer: "That sounds good. You have a motorcycle?"

Me: "Segway."

Telemarketer: "Oh, those look like fun!"

Me: "It's not fun, brother. It's a way of life. It's a brotherhood."

Telemarketer: "I know what you mean. Anyway, I'm calling to offer you great deals on the hottest summer vacations in the country! Are you planning any trips this summer or next summer?"

Me: "Just ridin' to Laconia and Sturgis with my road dogs next year, brother."

Telemarketer: "That sounds great! Well like I said, I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations, and there's a good chance I can get you a great deal on timeshare rentals for both of those destinations. How does that sound?"

Me: "Well, that depends. Can one of them timeshares hold a hundred two wheel warriors and have off street parking for their plastic stallions?"

Telemarketer: "Oh wow, you're going up with that many people?"

Me: "We also got a handful of prospects, but they're not allowed in the house. They sleep in tents outside."

Telemarketer: "Prospects?"

Me: "You might have heard of us. We're a club known as the 'Segways of Anarchy'."

Telemarketer (stifling laughter): "Oh yeah?"

Me: "SEGCRO."

Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh wow. That sounds neat."

Me: "Somethin' funny, brother? You mockin' our credo?"

Telemarketer: "Oh no, I'm sorry about that. A coworker just did something funny next to me. That wasn't directed toward you at all, sir."

Me: "No harm no foul, brother."

Telemarketer: "So you'd be looking for a timeshare at either Laconia and what was the other one? Sturgis?"

Me: "That's affirmative. I'm also going to need some information from you about other renters in the area."

Telemarketer: "Sure thing, sir. What do you need?"

Me: "I need to know if there are other clubs renting from you at neighboring properties. Ones we ain't real sympatico with, if you catch my drift."

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. I can check my database to see if anyone has put down deposits under certain organization names."

Me: "I just wanna make sure the Hell's Gyroscopes and that other one aren't settin' up camp near us."

Telemarketer (desperately trying to not laugh): "OK...OK, let me check."

Me: "Check for the Hell's Gyroscopes and the Accountants of Doom."

Telemarketer (laughing hard): "Please hold, sir."

[just over a minute's worth of John Secada's "Just Another Day Without You"]

Telemarketer: "OK, I'm back. Sorry about the hold, sir. I don't see either of those names in our database, so I think you're all set."

Me: "You sound like a stand up guy, Randy. How would you feel about prospecting for the Segways of Anarchy?"

Telemarketer: "Oh, I don't know about that, sir. I don't have a Segway."

Me: "Don't matter. I can loan you one in the meantime while you're earnin' your patch, brother. You got an old lady?"

Telemarketer: "Old lady?"

Me: "An old lady. You know, a wife or a girlfriend."

Telemarketer: "Oh, yes. I have a girlfriend."

Me: "Well that becomes club property while you're prospectin' for the Segways."

Telemarketer: "Yeahhhh...I don't know about that."

Me: "She got them big ol' titties?"

Telemarketer: "I don't really feel comfortable talking about this, sir."

Me: "If you want it bad enough, you gotta put up with the brotherhood slappin' them speedbags around like a couple of meaty tetherballs."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Slap them puffy nipples right off them shit tits."

*click*

Man Child; Part II

2012-07-31T06:48:00.002-07:00

Telemarketer (recording): "Michael [redacted], this is your last chance to take advantage of a very special offer that will reduce your credit card payments. To speak with one of our representatives and claim this offer, please press 'one'."

Me: *presses one*

Telemarketer (answers): "Your first name?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "No, normally people answer the phone and say 'hello'. I learned that at school."

Telemarketer (amazingly condescending): "OK. Hello."

Me: "Who are you, mister?"

Telemarketer: "Is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "I'm Mikey."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "What's your name?"

Telemarketer (exasperated sigh): "I'm James."

Me: "Daddy is home."

Telemarketer: "Great, can you put him on the phone, please?"

Me: "He's in the basement watching his silly movies. The ones with the ladies that go 'oooooh' and the guys go 'ohhhhh yeahhhhh'."

Telemarketer (holding in laughter): "Oh my god."

Me: "I need to doodle."

Telemarketer: "Why don't you give the phone to your daddy so you can go draw in your coloring book or something?"

Me: "No, I mean doodle. I need to do a doodle out out of my bum bum."

Telemarketer: "OK, then just give the phone to your daddy now so you can like...take care of that."

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer: "Hello?"

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh my god."

Me: "It's all over my leg."

Telemarketer: "Jesus Christ. Please just get your dad."

Me: "It smells like poopies and bologna Lunchables."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is your mom there? Maybe you can put her on the phone so you don't interrupt daddy."

Me: "Mommy is at the doctor getting rid of my baby brother."

Telemarketer: "Is your brother not feeling well?"

Me: "He's still in her belly."

Telemarketer: "Oh...oh wow. I...wow."

Me: "My bum bum can't hold the doodles in, mister."

Telemarketer: "Please get your daddy and put him on the phone before you -- "

Me (muffling phone): "Michael what are you doing? WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN SHIT?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Who the hell is this?"

Telemarketer: "This is James with Credit Fraud USA, sir. I was calling to -- "

Me: "Why you makin' mah son shit his pants?"

Telemarketer: "What? No, I -- "

Me: "I'm in the other room tryin' to crank one out ta Gangbang Robo-Grannies 4000, and you're callin' up mah boy and tellin' him he's gotta shit himself or his momma's going through with the 'bortion?! He's in the corner cryin' and sprayin' diahreea sauce all over mah brandy new Oakley razors."

Telemarketer: "Oh my god, no. Sir -- "

Me: "You look here you fuck wagon, you call here again and I'm a punch yer dick in half."

*click*

That's So Raven!

2012-07-30T07:27:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking a....Michael...[redacted]?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Yeah, you pronounced my last name pretty Raven. Good work."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Hi Michael! I'm Everett with MortgageMonkeys. How is your day going?"

Me: "My day is incredibly Raven right now. How about you?"

Telemarketer: "It's, uh...it's good! Our records show that you might be interested in reducing your monthly mortgage payment, so I figured I'd give you a call and let you know about what kind of services we offer that can do that for you!"

Me: "Your records aren't very Raven. I don't have a mortgage."

Telemarketer: "Really? It says you do on my list. I'm really sorry about that."

Me: "That is SO Raven. That might be the most Raven thing I've ever heard."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "You're going off the rails on a Raven Train."

Telemarketer: "Well we also offer credit card payment consolidation. Would that be something you're interested in?"

Me: "Credit card consolidation? That is Raven as fuck. I'll take three of them."

Telemarketer: "Great! You only need one of them, though. We take all of your card payments and turn them into one simple, low loan payment."

Me: "Don't you tell me how Raven I'm allowed to get. Sell me nineteen credit card consolidations right this second. I've got a credit card to pay for them."

Telemarketer: "I...I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. What we offer is -- "

Me: "YOU WANNNA GET RAVEN WITH ME?! YOU CALL ME UP ACTING ALL RAVEN AND EXPECT ME TO NOT GET RAVEN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT BACK AT YOU?!"

Telemarketer: "Sir, I'm going to end this phone call."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "I won't be sworn at, sir."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Sir?"

Me: "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. You're just doing your job."

Telemarketer: "It's alright, sir. It's just a miscommunication. Now let's get you set up with that credit card consolidation."

Me: "Alright, sounds good."

Telemarketer: "OK, lets start with your home address."

Me: "Very good. Do you have a pen handy?"

Telemarketer: "I sure do!"

Me: "Alright, you ready?"

Telemarketer: "Shoot!"

Me: 473 "Crazy Dumb Stupid Raven Jellybeans Avenue, Baby Tits, Ravenchusetts, 032 -- ."

*click*

The Art of Confusion; Part II

2012-07-27T08:32:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hi there. Is Michael available?"

Me: "That is a big affirmative."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael, my name is Rochelle from OldPeopleScammers. How are you doing this morning?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "...OK! Well I'm calling today because of your previous interest in getting the medications you take every day for a fraction of the cost!"

Me: "If a white person takes a brown poop, does a brown person take a white poop?"

Telemarketer: "I didn't catch that?"

Me: "You need to understand that Marmaduke ALWAYS got into trouble."

Telemarketer: "Is your connection OK? I'm having a hard time understanding you."

Me: Where's my Chippy?"

Telemarketer: "Your what?"

Me: "Babies can't even smoke cigarettes. That's ridiculous."

Telemarketer: "Babies?"

Me: "This cup of coffee is out of batteries."

Telemarketer: "I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, Michael."

Me: "Kid's Bop."

Telemarketer: *exasperated sigh*

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Michael, are you there?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello?!"

Me: "Patty from the Peanuts comics definitely ate pussy."

*click*

H.P. Hatecraft

2012-07-26T08:00:00.005-07:00

Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."

Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."

Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."

Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."

Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "

Me: "Professor [redacted]."

Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."

Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."

Me: "Carry on."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"

Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"

Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "

Me: "I WILL NOT GO!!! THERE ARE ANCIENT THINGS IN THOSE DAMNED HILLS THAT WHISPER IN THE DARKNESS!!!"

Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"

Me: "THE ANGLES!!! MY GOD, MAN!!! THE ANGLES WILL DRIVE YOU MAD!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "IS THIS CALL RECORDED?!"

Telemarketer: "...uh..."

Me: "YOU MUST DESTROY THE RECORDING!!! DESTROY IT BEFORE THE OLD ONES FIND YOU A THREAT TO THEIR SECRET EXISTANCE!!!"

*David, terminate the call.*

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"

*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."

Me: "SILENCE, FOUL AGENT OF R'LYEH!!!"

*TERMINATE THE CALL, DAVID.*

*click*

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part II

2012-07-25T07:37:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please."

Me: "Oh man, look what you made me do."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "You made me get dick milk all over my keyboard."

*click*

Oh My God

2012-07-25T06:51:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael this is Rachel from -- "

Me: "Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Ohhhh. Myyyyy. God."

Telemarketer: "What happened?"

Me: "I can't believe that just happened."

Telemarketer: "What happened?!"

Me: "Wow."

Telemarketer: "Are you OK?"

Me: "How is that possible?"

Telemarketer: "How is what possible?"

Me: "This is unbelievable."

Telemarketer: "What is?!?"

Me: "Oh my God."

Telemarketer: "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "OK, what's wrong?"

Me: "...Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "Michael, is now not a good time to talk?"

Me: "I can't believe it."

Telemarketer: "OK Michael, maybe I'll try back later when things have settled down."

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Telemarketer: "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

Me: "My fart smells like Morgan Freeman."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Oh my god."

*click*

A Very RiFF RaFF Call Hating

2012-07-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

The following is a Call Hating comprised almost entirely of lyrics from my favorite Riff Raff tracks. I compiled quotes from several songs into a Word document so I could open it when a telemarketer rang me and read them from the screen at a moment's notice. It took all of my strength not to laugh during this call. Ricey.

- Mike

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "Ooh, I think you might have the wrong number."

Telemarketer: "Oh no! Is this 603-[redacted]?"

Me: "It is, but this is Jody."

Telemarketer: "Huh. I must have had the wrong name on my list. What's your last name?"

Me: "Highroller. Jody Highroller."

Telemarketer: "OK, let me write that down."

Me: "You also might have me on there as 'Rap Game Pat Sajack'."

Telemarketer (confused giggle): "No...don't seem to have that on there."

Me: "In the black Maybach? No braids?"

Telemarketer: "Braids?"

Me: "Braided up, yes."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, lil' mama. I didn't mean to ball like this. What's your name?"

Telemarketer: "I'm Linda."

Me: "What can I do for you today, Linda?"

Telemarketer: "Well Jody, I'm calling from Pyramid Schemes Galore, and we're offering a free ticket to attend a once-in-a-lifetime real estate seminar led by famous mogul/con man David Shittington!"

Me: "Real estate, huh. Like castles? I have castles around my heart."

Telemarketer (pause): "...yes sir, have you ever thought about getting into the incredibly lucritive world of real estate? Do you own a home currently?"

Me: "Yes, I currently own a home. Mi casa es four stories. I'm also the proud owner of a candy Cheeto steamboat."

Telemarketer: "...that's...great to hear! This seminar will tell you all about how to leverage the current market to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars, all in your spare time!"

Me: "Hundreds of thousands of dollars?! That's a lot of Versace pythons and teriyaki suits. I done been had the teriyaki suits."

Telemarketer: "Oh, you have a suit collection? My husband has quite the collection himself at home."

Me: "Is they Marc Jacooooobs?"

Telemarketer: "Oh sure. After he went through the David Shittington seminar, we started flipping houses and now he has all the extra money in the world for things like that."

Me: "...and he still makes you work at a call center? Front page of The Source might have Linda wanting a divorce."

Telemarketer (laughing): "Let me start by getting your address so I can send these complimentary tickets out to you."

Me: "I beg your pardon? Olive Garden Aston Martin?"

Telemarketer: "Let me get your -- "

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, can you hear me?"

Me: "Oh, there you are. Sorry about that. Ice in my ear give me brain freeze."

Telemarketer: "Your address? I'll get these tickets right out to you, Jody."

Me: "Why you acting like I didn't bring the rice and pasta?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, are you interested in these tickets or not? I've been talking to you for five minutes now."

Me (trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarkter: "Are you still there. Jody?"

Me (really trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello? Mr. Highroller? are you still on the -- "

Me: "SUCK MY DICK WITH A MOTHERFUCKING CONDOM ON!!!"

*click*

Fus Ro Dialtone

2012-07-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a Mr. [redacted]."

Me: "This be he. Speak."

Telemarketer: "Hello Mr. [redacted]. My name is Richard and I'm calling on behalf of Audible Locusts. How are you you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Just smithing a suit of Daedric armor for ComicCon. How be you, Richard?"

Telemarketer: "Well...that's...neat! I was just calling because we see that you've been pre-approved for a special VIP program that can save you hundreds of dollars on things you buy for the home every day! Isn't that great?"

Me: "I see. What sort of wares does your haberdashery carry? Weapons? Salted meats? The makings for elixirs, perhaps?"

Telemarketer: "...Um...no. You'll have the opportunity to buy things like groceries, cleaning products, home appliances and so much more!"

Me: "Ebony ingots?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Might you trade in ebony ingots? If not, I'd be willing to purchase ebony ore from your trading post and smelt it myself. Either that or barter with cabbages and cheese wheels in my inventory."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, Mr. [redacted]. I don't understand."

Me: "Look Richard, I'm obsessed with Skyrim. I'm not going to lie. The more you get on my level and talk like we're in Skyrim, the better chance you're going to have at getting a sale out of me."

Telemarketer: "You mean the video game?"

Me: "IT'S NOT JUST A GAME, RICHARD!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Let's try this again, OK?"

Telemarketer: "...OK?"

Me: *ahem* "Now what wares would you sell your Thane?"

Telemarketer: "Can I put you on hold for just one minute, sir?"

Me: "As you wish, shop keep."

*two minutes of the muzak version of Hall and Oates's "Method of Modern Love*

Telemarketer: "Sorry about the hold, Mr. [name redacted]."

Me: "Worry not, citizen of Whiterun. I rested for eight hours, but was not able to reap the sleep bonus due to my Werewolf blood."

Telemarketer: "Like we were talking about earlier, we have lots of things you normally buy for the home, but for pennies on the dollar! Perfect for a...'Doverkeen'!"

Me: "It's 'Dovahkiin'."

Telemarketer: "Yes...Doverkeek. You can also purchase many food items to eat while you're playing Skyrim, like a wide assortment of chips and sodas."

Me: "You assume I'm a stout fellow who gorges on unsavories?! I'll have you know I've walked the length of Tamriel countless times! What else have you for sale or trade?"

Telemarketer: "I'm glad you asked, Than."

Me: "It's 'Thane'."

Telemarketer: *whispering*

Me: "Are you secretly conversing with someone? I use to be a telemarketer like you...but then I took an arrow to the stupid."

Telemarketer: "What's that? No, sir. Not at all."

Me: "ARE YOU BEING COACHED IN WHAT TO SAY TO THE DRAGONBORN?!?"

Telemarketer: "No! I'm not!"

Me: "Do not attempt to converse with me again until you have leveled up in speechcraft significantly, lest you find yourself on the wrong end of my Wabbajack."

*click*

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part I

2012-07-22T07:40:00.001-07:00

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Janet from Interruptions, Unlimited. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Janet, I bet you have terrible looking tits."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "They probably look like two limp, greasy fried eggs dangling from a roofing nail."

*click*

Haterz Keep Hatin'

2012-07-20T09:37:00.005-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes. Michael, please."

Me: "Are you a hater?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Haterz keep hatin'."

Telemarketer (chuckle masking confusion): "Hello Michael, this is Darnell with NeedlessShit Enterprises. How are we doing today?"

Me: "Oh you know, just shakin' these haterz off my back left and right like a dog with fleas, nah mean?"

Telemarketer: "That's, uhhh...that's...good to hear? I'm calling to offer you a special promotion on a skin care line you said you were interested in on of our affiliate websites a while back."

Me: "What website was that? Haterz.com? I don't visit them sites. I got a hater blocker on my firewall, you dig?"

Telemarketer: "It was a while ago, so you might have forgotten about it. It's a revolutionary new skin care line that offers the finest salves and lotions made with 100% natural ingredients."

Me: "Wait...are you hatin' on me?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Why you gotta hate, Darnell?! I'm just doin' mah thang thang and you all up in my grill hatin' all over mah shit with a hatergram."

Telemarketer: "Sir, I just wanted to offer you a risk free trial so you could try these products you're interested in before you buy them, that's all."

Me: "I'm sorry, Darnell. It's just that all these haterz keep tryin' to stop mah hustle and I got a thick skin for that shit these days. It be like shootin' at Superman. They be spittin' them hater bullets and I be all like 'PING! PING!'"

Telemarketer: "If you give me your address, I can get these products out to you right away."

Me: "I don't need none a dat hater cum in a bottle, Darnell. Whatchu want? You want me to dump all that congealed hater cum all over mah tits and give me a hater rash?! I already TOLD you I was 'llergic to dat hater bizness. You a busted ass hater, Darnell."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Swagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswag."

*click*

Hot Enough for You?

2012-07-17T14:19:00.002-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! He's sweating his patootie off. It's a hot one out there. Hot enough for you?"

Telemarketer (polite laughter): "I hear you. It's a hot one out there for sure."

Me: "It sure is. It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk."

Telemarketer (more polite laughter): "I bet! Well my name is Jason, and I'm calling from TeleWorld TimeWasters. We are running a special today that can drastically reduce your credit card debt in just a few steps!"

Me: "Man, it's so hot out there that you could bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your dashboard."

Telemarketer (brief pause before less enthusiastic polite laughter): "...When you sign up with TeleWorld TimeWasters, we take all of your back credit card debt and reduce it, leaving you with just one low monthly payment that's easy to manage."

Me: "I'll tell you what, it's so hot outside right now you could boil a baby to death in your swimming pool."

Telemarketer: "...I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part."

Me: "I bet it's so hot out there that when you started crying - you know, because of that dead baby just floating around in that steaming chlorine cauldron you once called your backyard oasis - those tears would immediately evaporate off your face."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "It is SO hot outside today that I bet that baby would be cooked all the way though, and you could just tear into it like a side of slow smoked ribs. I bet that tender baby meat would taste nice."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Those sweet baby meats would just melt in your mouth on a scorcher like today. Just imagine those juices running down your -- "

*click*

Text Spam Bitch Slap

2012-07-13T10:52:00.001-07:00

The Art of Confusion

2012-05-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hello, this is Rachel from The Crap Factory, how are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Beet beet sugar beet sugar beet beet, sugar beet beeeeet."

Telemarketer: "...would you like to hear what we have - "

Me: "Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience."

Telemarketer: "...we are offering - "

Me: "Haters gonna hate, am I right?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "Does it take pennies?"

Telemarketer: "Um..."

Me: "Treat Williams."

*click*

Eddie ̶M̶o̶n̶e̶y̶ Funny

2012-05-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Take me home tonight."

Telemarketer: "This is Steven from random company. How are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "I don't want to let you go 'till you see the light, Steven."

Telemarketer [no pause]: "Am I speaking to Michael?"

Me: "Take me home tonight."

Telemarketer: "...is Michael available to speak on the uh, phone?"

Me: "Listen Steven, just like Ronnie sang..."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "BEEEEE MY LITTLE BAAAAAAABAYYYYYYYY!!!"

Telemarketer [laughing]: "Have a good day, sir."

*click*

What are the Odds?!

2012-04-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael available, please."

Me: "Michael is totally available. Are you available?"

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I sure hope so! Hi Michael, this is Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium."

Me: "Wait, your name is Bernard?"

Telemarketer: "That is correct."

Me: "And you're calling from 877-***-****?!"

Telemarketer: [pause] "Um, yes. That's our main number."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me. I was just about to call you!"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Yeah, you're right here on my call list for the day. 'Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium at 877-***-****'! What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "Wait, YOU were supposed to call ME?"

Me: "I know, right? I feel like I'm on an episode of Lost or something. This is truly amazing!"

Telemarketer: "Why were you supposed to call me? I don't follow."

Me: "I'm in outbound sales as well! What are you selling?"

Telemarketer: "We do sales for a number of companies and products. You had my work's main number listed as my point of contact? Do you have my last name on that list as well?"

Me: "No, but you know how those lists can be. They're always incomplete. Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about our new promotion over here at GFY Media Group."

Telemarketer: "GFY Media? I've never heard of it."

Me: "Really? We're a publishing house that specializes in niche magazines. I was going to call you today to see if you'd be interested in a special promotion we're running for our flagship publication 'Plumper Dumpers'."

Telemarketer: "What's that? Plumper Dumpers? No, not familiar."

Me: "That's odd. It says here on my list that you inquired about a subscription on our website once but never followed through with it. Anyway, I'll tell you a little bit about it."

Telemarketer: "Um...OK?"

Me: "Plumper Dumpers is a magazine dedicated to ex-child celebrities that have gained a ton of weight since reaching adulthood. You can get them to do these interviews for nickels, it's great. What we do is interview them, talk about their careers now versus how then, and then it goes into a full pictorial spread where we time them to see how quickly they can eat a KFC Double Down while they get fucked in the ass with a splintery table leg. Tina Yothers is absolutely dominating the leader board."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "That being said, you'd be amazed at how many people read it just for the articles. So how many years can I put you down for?"

*click*

Kids These Days

2012-04-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for Michael. Is he available?"

Me: "That's me."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael. I'm calling on behalf of Cellphone Minute Rapers, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Well, to be honest, I could be doing better, Leslie."

Telemarketer: "My name is actually Bradley."

Me: "Oh, you didn't tell me that so I figured I'd guess. You sound like a Leslie. Yeah, it's my son. He's eight years old and he's a total lunatic."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I totally understand, sir. My son is also eight, and he's definitely a handful."

Me: "Your son is also eight? What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "I know, right? Hey, I wanted to get a hold of you tell you about this one of a kind promotion we're running today."

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off. Do you mind holding for just one second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, not a problem."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, put the Nutella back in the fridge and get in the bath tub. I'm not going to tell you again."

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that."

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael."

Me: "Does your son do the condiment thing, too?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, did you say 'condiment thing'?"

Me: "Yeah, the nipple thing. He keeps hiking his shirt up and putting condiments from the fridge all over his nipples."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I just had to put the phone down because he was lathering up his nips with a jar of Nutella. It looks like Guy Fieri gave him a Cleveland Steamer after a long night at Buffalo Wild Wings."

Telemarketer: "...wow."

Me: "You're telling me, pal. Now what were we talking about? Some kind of special deal or something?"

Telemarketer: [composing himself] "Right. Well today is your lucky day, Michael, because we're offering a one month supply of Dummy Pills with a risk-free trial. That means -- "

Me: [off phone] "BILLY, THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF FOOD" [on phone] "Shoot, I don't mean to keep doing to you, but do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: [frustrated exhale] "I understand, Michael. Yes, I'll hold."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, that is for your mother's sandwiches this week. Now I'm not going to tell you again, get in that bath and scrub yourself down, little mister."

Me: [picks phone back up] "OK, I'm back. That kid is going to be the death of me."

Telemarketer: [pausing] "Oh no, did he get back into that Nutella?"

Me: "I wish. He took two slices of salami and used the Nutella as glue to adhere them to his nipples. I can't take him to day care like that. He was just strutting around the house with no shirt and these giant areolæ. Put a wig on him and he'd look like an eight year old Snookie."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "So yeah. Dummy Pills, right?"

Telemarketer: "Yeah...uh...Dummy Pills are 100% natural and work in tandem with your body's own immune system to -- "

Me: "BILLY!!! WANT ME TO CANCEL THE TRIP TO LEGOLAND?! YOU TAKE THAT PECKER OUT OF THE RELISH!!!"

*click*

Call Runnings

2012-04-19T04:35:00.002-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available?"

Me: "CULTCHAAAAHHH!!!"

Telemarketer: "...is this Michael?"

Me: "RIDDIMMMM!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "HAILE SELASSIE I!!!"

Telemarketer: "Is this 603- ***-****?"

Me: "DIS TING A RAS CLOT, YA BUMBACLOT RUDE BUOY!!!"

Telemarketer: *click*

Random Tandem

2012-04-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

Me: "Hold on a sec. I have another call coming in. I don't know this number. I think it's a telemarketer."

Friend: "Seriously? Are you going to screw with him for your site?"

Me: "I've been wanting to try one out for a while now. Just stay on the other line and follow my lead."

Friend: "Wait, what?"

*switches over*

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available, please."

Me: "Yo, this is Mad Mike. What up?"

Telemarketer: "...Hello, Michael. Leonard with Useless Widgets here. How are you?"

Me: "Oh you know, just wildin' out over here at West Coast Customs. Oh snap, hold on one second."

Telemarketer: "...alright."

*connects friend*

Me: "OOH WHEEEE!!! you know what time it is, Leonard?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "You better tighten up that headset, 'cause I got Xzibit on the line, and it's time to Pimp your Call, big baby! Say hello to Leonard, Xzibit!"

Friend: "Yo, what up, L?"

Telemarketer: "Um...hello?"

Me: "That's right, Leonard. X to the Z asked us to take that busted ass jalopy of a sales call and straight up pimp that shit!"

Telemarketer: "...wait..."

Me: "See, your old call just had one person you was cold callin', but now you got TWO people to peddle them wares to, B!"

Telemarketer: [silence]

Friend: "Yo dawg, I heard you like sales calls. So we put a call in your call so you can sell while you sell!"

*click*

Pretty Kitty

2012-04-17T07:07:00.005-07:00

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! Do you mind holding on a second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, no problem!"

Me: [puts phone down] "Who's daddy's little pretty kitty? Is it you? Are you daddy's special little pretty kitty?"

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that. Yes, this is Michael."

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. My name is Roger and I'm with Unfocused Marketing, LLC. How are you today, sir?"

Me: "Oh I'm good. Hey, do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. That's fine."

Me: "Great, just one second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Oh you are just the prettiest little kitty kitty kitten. It's true! You are! You are just a precious little bundle of love. Yes you are! You want a little sweet treat? OK, he's a little sweet treat for little kooky kitty. You don't want it out of my hand? Here, eat it right out of daddy's mouth. Theeeeere you go. That's a good pretty kitty. Om nom nom."

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry about that, Roger. What were you saying?"

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael. I'm calling today to introduce potential customers to a wonderful special we're running on MoneyWasters Magazine that could get you up to 30% off a yearly subscription."

Me: "Wow, that sounds like a great deal! I hate to do this to you again, but do you mind holding just one more time?"

Telemarketer: [feigning empathy] "No problem, sir. It happens. Take your time."

Me: "Thanks for understanding, Roger. It'll just be a second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Is that a little poopie on your lil' button nose? Baby pretty kitty munkin' butt, you are stinky! Does't kitty daddy have to give you a bath in the sink? Oh yes you are. Kitty is going to get her little pretty kittie patootie nice and shiny for kitty daddy."

Telemarketer: [muffled laughter]

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry, Roger. I'm back. No more interruptions, I promise."

Telemarketer: "You sound like you have your hands full over there."

Me: "You know it, Roger."

Telemarketer: "New kitten?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Telemarketer: "Are you taking care of a kitten over there?"

Me: [pause] "I'm talking to my grandmother."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "Hello? Are you still there, Roger?"

*click*

Callin' Oates

2012-04-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Speaking."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Sarah and I'm with some shitty company you don't care about. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Sarah smile?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: [silence]

Telemarketer: "...I wanted to talk to you today about -- "

Me: "She knows what she wants; she's an all-American girl."

Telemarketer [nervous laughter]: "Like I was saying, I wanted to talk to you about unique real estate opportunities in the area."

Me: "You're a rich girl?"

Telemarketer [more awkward laughter]: "Hardly!"

Me: "You're out of touch."

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "I'm out of time."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Well what I'm going to say is only going to take two minutes."

Me: "I can't go for that."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorr --"

Me: "NO CAN DO!!!"

*click*

Blood Brothers

2012-04-13T11:18:00.005-07:00

Telemarketer: "Hey, is Mike there?"

Me: "This is Mike."

Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."

Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."

Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."

Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."

Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."

Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."

Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"

Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."

Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "

Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."

Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."

Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"

Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."

Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."

*click*