Dear VI,

I have been in an open relationship with this guy for 2 years. It wasn’t open by choice, but neither of us tried to define the relationship.

I thought it would just happen in time.

We started as friends, spending every day together during the summers & during breaks. We could talk about anything. He understood me. He accepted me. He comforted me at my lowest moments.

I was always there to listen to him when he’d be stressed. When he didn’t want to talk about his troubles, we’d just disappear together.

Everything was great, we met each others’ families, spent Christmas together, all that.

After 6 months, I was ready to have sex with him. Things were great up until a year later.
He started to fuck other people.

Even though I wasn’t the only one anymore, nothing changed. The conversations, the sex, the fun, was even more enjoyable. But I couldn’t enjoy it because it didn’t feel special anymore.

I confronted him several times & he continuously lied, until I told him what I knew. Stupid I know. But I hated that feeling while I hid all that I knew.

He became more nonchalant about his doings. Even added a few more to his roster.

After that, we fell apart.

I still had and have feelings for him, and I know he does too. We had a huge argument in January because I was tired of acting like I was okay with it all.

We barely spoke for months. & our family & friends noticed a change in us both. I blocked his calls and texts during that time, hoping he would just stop, but he didn’t.

A few weeks ago, we saw each other again, had long talks like we used to had sex, and it all came back.

This scared the fuck out of me. I remembered how compatible we are, and every moment we had.

So the only logical thing to do was to friend zone him again. So we had the let’s just be friends talk.

He still calls and texts, we talk when we need each others advice or just someone to vent to.

BUT I’m still not okay. I can’t get past my feelings. & I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like I won’t be there for him.

How can I distance myself without abandoning our friendship? How can I get my feelings out of the equation?

Unsure about my feelings

Dear UAMF,

It seems like you tried to turn a great friendship into a relationship. Here was someone that you had a great time with and can confide in, so why not be more. You were content in what y0u had and when you thought you were the only person, the second you found out you were not everything changed. At the end of the day, you were not in a relationship with this man even though in your mind you were. I don’t think you were just another one on his roster, but you definitly started acting like an insecure chick once you found out about those other women. At the end of the day he wasn’t into having a relationship. That’s why he had a team of chicks, men that really want something don’t keep a slew of nameless bodies around like that. If he wanted to be with you, you would have been his girl.

The fact that you tried to distance yourself from him was a good move. You couldn’t deal with your position so you had to bounce. I understand and agreed with what you did. What I don’t agree with is trying to keep a friendship with a man that you still have feelings. Girl, this is not going to work. There is no way you can be friends with someone while pine for them behind closed doors. You’re not ready to rebuild a friendship with this man. You still need to heal and get over it. Sometimes we’re not to be friends with everyone we come in contact with in life. You have to acknowledge that a friendship has ran it’s course and pick up the pieces and move on. You cannot be friends with him. If you continue to try I guarentee your feelings will be crushed once again. I think you want to keep him close to show him how solid you are and will be for him. If he hasn’t realized how great you are as a person by now he will never realize. Don’t allow anyone to take you for granted. You deserve better than a half ass relationship and friendship. Cut your loses and move on with your healing.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you see things clearer in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

So apparently I missed this memo, but when did men stop dating? I know I’m not the only one who missed this because a lot of women I’ve talked to are wondering the same thing. I mean back in the day if a guy was interested in you he would ask you out on a date. Now if a dude is “interested” he wants you to come to his crib so you can “talk”. Da hell am I coming to your house for young man? There is only one reason a man tries to get you to his house when he first meets you, and it’s not to hear about you growing up with your 5 brothers. So why is this happening all of a sudden? Is it that it’s a recession and men are trying to save their pennies? Is it because the ratio to men and women is so great that taking all these bitches out on a date can get pretty costly? Or is it just that no matter how much they’re feeling a girl, if he can get her to drop her panties as soon as possible he has done his job as a man? Ok, so Irecentlyjoinedanonlinedatingsite *you people better not judge my ass*. So I decided to join a particular site and was pleasantly surprised by the pool of men. There were some decent looking tall ass men on that site. So I hit it off with one in particular and we talked on there for a while and decided to finally exchange numbers. So by this time we still haven’t met, so one Friday afternoon he asked me what I had planned for the weekend. I didn’t have a damn thing, but in the world of dating you make them believe that they’re not the only option. I said I had a few planned events happening so I will be out and about. He wanted us to finally meet up and have a drink or two to get to know each other. I was all down and shit until he said this: “You can come over to my place and we can kick it and have a few drinks” *screeching noise* WAIT A DAMN MINUTE…HOLD UP! He said come over to my place right? I mean really? I didn’t know him from a damn place and I should feel comfortable going to his house? I told him this and his comeback was: “I’m a cool guy. There is nothing like that going on. I live in Buckhead. You think anything crunk can happen in Buckhead?” I don’t give a got damn where you live, I ain’t coming to your house. He tried to convince me for 2 hours…I told him again I’m not coming to his crib and that was the last he heard from me. Fellas, what you fail to realize is that is a straight turn off for a woman. Men think a date consists of spending money when a date could be a simple stroll in the park or a meeting for a cup of coffee. When still want to be courted. When you invite us to your place or try to gain access to ours you’re showing us that you have one possible thing on your mind. Men are moving too damn fast nowadays, when women are wanting to slow shit down. Then when you’re not willing to move at their speed, they don’t want to f*ck with you because for every two chick’s that don’t there is one chick that will. Ladies, if a man only wants to see you in the comfort of his home and hasn’t even asked you out…RUNNNNNNNNNNN. If he’s really interested in you, he wouldn’t care where you want to meet just as long as he can be around you. If we continue to put up with the bullshit, men will continue doing it. Men you need to step your game up. If you’re seriously interested please learn that courting is a must. Any woman that doesn’t believe that you have to court her  is more trouble than she’s worth. If that happens she’s not really worth a damn thing. Everything worth something is worth working for. Holla at me: Do you think men have given up dating, and moved straight to getting the panty drawers?

Hi V.I.,

I would like to say that I read your blogs all the time and was wondering if you could help my CRAZY ASS out. My ex and myself have been broken up for a year. He was abusive physically, mentally, and verbally. That’s the reason I broke up with him. He was also a serial cheater. However with all that said I still love him and cannot move on. One reason I feel this way is because I’m overweight (278 lbs) and feel as if no one wants me. I know I need to lose weight but I just don’t know where to start. I feel like this is why I still put up with his BS even though we are no longer together. We have went like 2 months with no contact but some how we always end up back talking if only for a week. When we do see each other it’s basically just sex and a little catching up. He also sends me mixed signals. Like the other week we saw each other at the club and you know what happened booty call. N E Way we were texting because he wasn’t at my house yet and I told him if he wasn’t coming he did not have to lie. He said he was getting money and would be on his way. I said whatever. He later texted he loved me. I want to believe it was true but I know better. I just cannot figure out why I still long for him. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh side note he has a car since we broke up but when we were together he drove mine but he still cannot keep a job. He’s a self proclaimed hustla…u know what I mean. Sorry so long….

Titled need some serious help!!!!

Dear NSSH,

What’s wrong is you’re not confident in yourself. Your low self-esteem is clouding your judgement. You can be 120lbs or 320lbs, if you can’t love who you are you can’t expect anyone else to love you. You cling to this loser because at least you know he’s into you in some kinda way. Even though he’s a lying cheating user. He gives you the smallest attention and you’re satisfied with that, hence the reason why you can’t move on. Your size should not determine your sexy. You need to be confident in you and others will see you for who you are not just your size. If you make your weight an issue then so will everyone else.

Now to address his ass. That dude ain’t shit. The second he put his damn hands on you, it should have been a wrap. That man still abuses you even though he no longer claims you. You give him too much power over you, that’s where you went wrong. He knows how fragile you are and using your weakness to hurt you. The fact is you know better, but you refuse to do better. It’s like you’ve given up on yourself so you just continue to take abuse. I’m scared that you will go into another relationship with the same issues and all this shit happens again. You need to understand that you’re worth it. You deserve to be happy, but you can’t rely on folks that only want to see you miserable. If he calls, don’t answer. If he texts, delete them shits. You need to remove this dude out of your life because he’s no good to you and for you. You’re hurting yourself because you know he’s no good yet you continue to let him in the door.

Now on to your weight issues. If you’re unhappy with your weight, you can always change it. You may think it’s easier said than done, but the shit is just that easy. The second you’re ready to be committed to weight lose you will be focused on becoming a healthier you. Start off slow by taking walks in your neighborhood, or walking around a park. Something to get yourself more active. If you want to join a gym find one that’s woman friendly. When I first started working out I was nervous about joining one of those big gyms. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable working out among those fit ass people. I decided to join an all women’s gym. It was much easier to be around women that had the same issues I had, and we motivated each other. Find a workout buddy and you two can motivate each other. I think that can be a good start for you. If you really want to get all in it hire a personal trainer. That way you can also learn discipline while you try to get yourself right. Your eating habits play a bigger part in losing weight than actually working out. So certain things in your lifestyle will have to change…for the better. As long as you’re ready to lose the weight you should be fine, but complaining about it and not doing anything to change it is just complaining. You need to take action in your personal life, romantically and health-wise. Only you can make yourself into a better person. Stop hiding behind your weight and no good rotten ass men. Your using these things as an excuse and that is not going to fly with me.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you see things clearer in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

So the other night my boo and I were talking about relationships. The topic of tests women give men came up and he said that I tried to test him the other day. At first I laughed it off, but then I stopped and realized he was hip to the game. Ladies, men aren’t as clueless as we think. Men catch our double sided questions, but never really address it. The days of saying shit just to see what he says may be coming to an end. We try to ask questions to kinda trap him into answering. We wanna see if he says the right thing or if you ask him the same question two different ways at different times you wanna see will his answer be the same. Although some men *like my boo* may know the deal, there are a few men out there that still don’t know their ass from their elbow. I’ve decided to list 5 tests that men always fail.

1. Do I Look Fat in This?~ This is one of the most popular questions women ask men. Some men not understanding when a woman asks something that the truth isn’t always what she wants to hear. Being dumb you say “You look fat, but not fat fat” that just starts a whole bunch of shit. A woman wants you to lie even when she wants you to tell the truth. She may think she’s fat, but if you confirm it she automatically thinks you find her unattractive and obese. Learn to choose your words carefully or feelings will get hurt.

2. I’m On My Period, Still Wanna Hang Out?~ Ok, I’m guilty of this one. If a woman asks you this question basically she’s trying to establish her status. If a woman tells you she’s on her period and you say  ”well we can hang out some other time” all she is to you is a fuck. The only reason you spend time with her is in hopes that her panties come off. Now if she asks you this the best thing to say is yes because you may never see an inch of that vagina again.

3. Are You Seeing Anyone Else?~ Women want to know the truth, but they expect a lie. What I mean by that is; a woman thinks she wants you to be honest but the second you tell her the truth all hell breaks lose. A woman wants to hear what she wants to believe. Yes, I’m saying sometimes you gotta lie to keep a happy home. The minute you tell her the truth or tell her you use to sleep with so and so you will never hear the end of it.

4. Who’s The Best You Ever Had? ~ This is a question she’s trying to trip you up with so be careful. Of course men fuck because their dicks need to be placed in something warm. So yea they have a couple notches on their belts, and some chicks were better than others. When a woman asks that question just generally speaking, it’s never really a general “I wanna get to know you” question. If you name one girl in particular that woman will assume that’s the one woman that she has to compete with even if there is really no competition. If you two are already sleeping together and she asks that question she’s expecting you to say her name even if it’s not true. Again a woman is looking for the truth but appreciates a lie to make her feel better.

5. My Cable Is Due And I’m So Broke~ Fellas, you know what this is about right? If a woman says anything about a bill needing to be paid chances are she’s hoping you would offer to pay for it. She won’t come out and ask you, well some do but she will hope that you offer. Some women don’t really want the money, it’s the offer of the money that she’s looking for. A woman wants to know that the man she’s giving the pussy to has her back in a financial situation. If she ever needs it she knows that you’re there to help. Now some chicks just out right ask for the money. These women are on some different shit. Basically if they ask for the money and you say or act like you ain’t got it you’re labeled as a broke ass. They will never ever ever take your ass seriously.

Dudes, please look out for any of these tests that I’ve mentioned. There are more, but honestly I ain’t got the kind of time to type all that. You’ve probably heard one or two of those above. Take heed cause these chicks outchea trying to trap you in your obvious web of lies. Ol lying ass men lol.

Hi V.I.,

I’m writing you because of my friend. She’s married and cheating with a guy that’s 26. She met him when he was 21. They have been seeing each other from time to time. He calls her only when he wants sex never just to talk. When she met him he had a girlfriend. Sometime he would ignore her calls. He would pretend they were gonna go out but he never called till days later. I told her that she’s his jump off. He calls and says I need to see you and she runs over. Sometimes he will not call for 3months then call and say I want to see you. I need to see you and get mad if she can’t come. When she get there he is happy to see her all kissing and fucking, 69 and liking her feet. She says she want to leave her husband because he doesn’t satisfy her or pay attention to her except in bed, and all he want in bed is his dick sucked, or to hit it from the side. I told her to get rid of them both and start over. The both using her. What should she do?

Asking… You Know…For A Friend

Dear AFAF,

I understand that you’re concerned for your friend, but there is nothing you can do to help her understand how naive she stupid she’s been in this situation. She’s grown and she has to come to the realization at some point in life. What she does is her business and if she continues to allow men to use and abuse her that’s something she’s gonna have to face on her own time. Obviously she’s oblivious or just foolish to what’s happening. Honestly she’s not because if you know all her business especially all the bad shit, she knows what’s going on but refuses to put an end to it. All you can do is be her friend, but at the end of the day she has to live her own life. You can’t fix this for her. Until she realizes that she’s being played, she’ll continue to be  in this game.

I hope one day she wakes up, but sweetie there is nothing you can do but be her friend. You telling her to leave isn’t gonna make her leave. She has to realize that when she’s hit rock bottom. It will happen one day, but right now she’s being played like lotto.

I’ve really hoped I’ve helped you see things clearer in some way. I am not an expert, I just give my opinions as I see fit. The decision is ultimately yours to make, so I hope you make one that is in your best interest. Keep me posted!

Have you ever met someone, got to know them and just fall in total like for them? You’re happy when you’re around them and happy at the thought of them when you’re apart. That’s some like for your ass. It may come to a point where your happiness is sorta scary for you to take, especially if you haven’t experienced that kind of feeling in a long time. You become afraid of your own happiness. Afraid that the feelings you’re feeling at this very moment will end with you feeling sad and empty. It’s common for people to be afraid of good things. Even though we want it, once we get it we’re too scared that something will fuck it up.

So for a few months now I’ve been dating this one guy. When I first met him at the beginning of the year I thought he was cool, but there were a few things that I wasn’t feeling with him. He seemed like a nice guy, but I just wasn’t really giving him the time of day. I’m not sure if I was just looking for shit to not like about him because I was scared for him to get close or I just wasn’t feeling him. I was comfortable around him on our first few dates, but he just didn’t seem like my “type.” I told him on a few occasions “let’s just be friends” but no matter how I shunned him he continued to try to get to know me. He texted me to see how I was doing during the day. He always wanted to hang out. He wouldn’t give up and I didn’t understand why. So after another failed attempt to see me he just asked me “What is it about me that you don’t like?” The question kinda freaked me out because in all honesty I didn’t know what about him I actually didn’t like. Like I said whenever we hung out I felt comfortable and he made me laugh. Those were both major pluses, it was the minuses I had issues with when it came to him. He proceeded to tell me all he wanted to do was get to know me and vice versa, but this wall that I had up was getting in the way. He liked me and just wanted the opportunity to know who I am as a person.

Look when I tell you that conversation opened my eyes to a whole bunch of shit. I had a wall up because I was afraid of anyone to get close to me. At that moment I decided to let this huge ass wall down for a second just to see. Hell he deserved a chance since I’m been dissing him for months. The second I opened up and allowed myself out and allowed him in I realized that he was a honest to God nice person. The more we hung out the more I was starting to like him. I couldn’t understand why I kept him behind the wall. He was funny, intelligent, warm and a great ass cook. He was a good guy from what I saw. The more we spent time the more we started feeling each other.

Now I was finally in a place of happiness and scared out of my mind. Scared that any moment the happiness that I longed for…prayed for was gonna be over. Sometimes you can’t help but think that way because of all the bullshit you dealt with in the past. I finally had to make the decision to live in the moment of happiness because all fear did was robbed you of the moment. We’re still dating and getting to know each other. I really like this one ya’ll. I had to get over that fear in my head to enjoy the moment I’m in right now. Never let fear or doubt stop you from feeling happiness. You could be missing out on a much needed blessing or a much needed adventure in your life.

Celibacy ain’t the easiest shit in the world. If you love sex and being licked and poked, not having that in your life can make you go crazy. Although it gets easier as time goes by, you get to a point where you’re done. No more putting the pillows between your legs at night. No more sleeping alone. No more turning away advances. You’re ready to get your lady parts pleasured. If you started celibacy to prove a point to someone or just wanted to take a break whatever your reasoning you’ve decided to get back out there and achieve the orgasm you so desperately deserve.

Trust me, getting back on top of some dick ain’t the easiest thing after celibacy. You will meet a few dudes that wanna hit, but after you’ve been saving yourself for so long you don’t just want to give it to some lame ass dude who’s dick has it’s own passport. You want to give it to someone who puts in the effort to get to know who you are and what you’re about. When you meet that “right” man and he whispers to that vagina you know you’re about to put it on him…GOOD. The thing is you might have been out of the game so long you’re reluctant to hit it. After about a year of celibacy I thought I forgot how to fuck. No lie, I was scared to even do it because I thought I lost every single move I had. Ok so I might have tried to psych myself out, but that shit was real. It’s like you’re a virgin again and scared to get your cherry popped because you heard that it HURTS. Just use these tips and you should be on the road to mighty ass sexy as fuck orgasms.

1. Once you know you’re ready, take your time until you’re absolutely sure your ready. Celibacy ain’t just something you wanna waste for some bullshit dude.

2.Tell him about your journey. Don’t be afraid to talk about your celibacy. A man…a real man appreciates a woman who respects her body. If you meet a dude and you tell him and all he does is try to get you to break it he ain’t the one. You ever notice you get more dick offers when celibate than you do when you ready to fuck??? Just my observation I guess.

3. Start off slow until you get your groove back. Now once you jump into it you might bouncing up and down like Jada Fire or you might be a little clumsy on the first fuck. It’s ok to take it slow if you need to with him. Once you get back to yourself wear that fool out with that good coochie.

4. Get a couple of good rounds in while you can. Listen, the second you start having sex  one screw is not gonna cut it for you. You’re gonna crave dick after you get your first piece. Don’t be ashamed to jump on that dick when you’re in the mood. A man appreciates a woman that knows what she wants.

5. Have fun! Sex is to be enjoyed.

*Caution* Sometimes after we’ve had our first good dick after celibacy we tend to fall for the dick you get. If it’s something that can become a meaningful relationship dick alone should not be your only form of happiness. If you did it just to bust a nut catching dick feelings for someone you ain’t really into will only leave you lonely in about a month and a half. So be cautious of this experience and continue to treat your body like how it’s suppose to be treated.

I remember as a little girl hearing “Always marry someone that loves you more than you love them.” I wondered why would I do something like that? It didn’t seem fair to me or him. I thought love should be equal, but as I got older I realized there is no such thing as equal love. Sure you can both love each other greatly, but one’s love always outweighs the other. The idea to marry someone that loves you more than you love them basically means they would treat you like a queen and never do anything to hurt you. That sounds wonderful at the end of fairy tales and shit, but in real life shit happens. Marrying someone who loves you more  than you love them sounds fool proof, but you would have to be a fool to think something like that won’t bite you in the ass in the long run.

When it comes to love, I love hard. I’m an Aries woman. Sure I make it damn near impossible for you in the beginning, but the second I let some of those bricks out of the wall I have up I can easily fall in love. It has always been a gift and a curse for me. A gift because by the time I let you in I already know that my feelings are real and not just some spontaneous feeling. A curse because once I open up and let you know I leave myself open for anything. I once fell in love with someone and I fell hard. He loved me and I loved him. The issue was, after we confessed our love and all that pretty shit I was unsure of how much I really loved him. Sure he had my heart, but I wasn’t sure of in what capacity. There were things about him I just loved. We had fun together, we could talk about anything for hours. He was  wonderful, but when it came to other things I wasn’t interested. For instance if he cheated, a part of me wouldn’t really care. Ok, I would care but it wasn’t like “OMG he cheated I want to die. I hate him” type of thing. Let’s put it this way, my reaction would have been for his benefit and his benefit only. A woman can fake more than just orgasms boo. The love was there, but when it ended I realized that maybe it wasn’t as there as I thought. He truly loved me more, but I wasn’t satisfied with my lack of love. I just couldn’t be the woman that he needed and he wasn’t the man that I wanted.

I always express how love is a 50/50 shot; with love comes pain. When you’ve convinced yourself to settle for someone who loves you more just because you want to be in a relationship you’re not being fair to the other person or to yourself. Love isn’t equal, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your happiness for the idea of love. I remember one of my friends getting married a few years ago to this guy that just wasn’t her type. I know sometimes your type is always the right type, but this dude had nothing appealing to him physically. Yes, he was a very nice guy but her ass was vain as hell so dating a dude that looked like a less attractive Craig Mack just wasn’t something I thought she would do. She started dating him and the next thing I know they got engaged and went ahead and got married. One day out of the blue she said to me “I love him because of how much he loves me. I never had that before.” I asked was she really “in love” with him and she said no but she won’t leave him because he loves her too much for her to leave. Being in a relationship where you’re the only one not in love is like being trapped in prison. You want to get out, but have no way of doing so without killing someone in order to escape. Good luck with that tho…

Question: Have you ever settled in a relationship because your partner loved you more?

Girllllllllllllllllllllllll, you ever met a man that just makes your vaginal parts scream out in ecstasy? Boo doesn’t even have to touch that spot all your juices start flowing, the next thing you know you wanna rip off your clothes and force that dick out it’s little peephole. I’m not exaggerating. There are some men that just get your body racing. No matter if it’s a look, a touch or a kiss your vagina instantly reponds. He’s a vagina whisperer. He’s one of those very few men that can talk your vag off of a ledge. He has that special touch that a vagina craves. It’s just something about him that makes your vagina feel ok and comfortable, that’s why it’s so easy for women to tear open their legs right off the bat.

*Sigh* So I’ve met one or two of them there vagina whisperers in my lifetime and these men are nothing but trouble. Well let me take that back. A vagina whisperer isn’t always some dude that ain’t shit. What I meant was when you meet one of these men all your normal senses take a backseat and your pleasure has gone to the top of your list. I remember I had a run in with one of these men back in the day. Just his presence made my cooch sing his praises. Although I knew my lady parts was trying to be in control I had to pull that bitch back and regain my composure. The second you allow you vagina to think for you, you can kiss common sense out of the window. Your vagina don’t give a shit about your feelings, only the feeling between your legs. The second some men sense that power they run with it and your left with a unnaturally moist vagina and a dick that just comes around every so often.

Holla at me: Ladies have you ever had sex with someone that just created pure moisture betwix your legs every time you saw them?