In an interview after asking Congress for a “stand-by line of credit” that he hopes he won’t have to tap, Ford CEO Alan Mulally said he’d work for $1 per year if his firm had to take any of the government loan money. Based on the trouble the auto industry is in, that’s probably what the board at Ford should be paying him already. In addition to the CEOs of General Motors and Chrysler, here’s a few more grossly overpaid people whose salaries should be reduced to the buck they’re worth:

Donald Trump: make it two bucks so he can still get his hair cut.

Dr. Phil McGraw: he can use the buck to ride the bus to the next psych ward Britney checks into.

Rachael Ray: roll it in a ball and stuff it in her mouth … please!

Katie Couric: give it to her in nice shiny perky dimes.

Simon Cowell: it’s what he’s earned so far on Taylor Hicks.

David Beckham: he should give it to the first person who can guess what sport he plays.

Leslie Moonves, CBS CEO: for making us watch another season of “Survivor”

Alex Rodriguez: get a loan from Madonna.

Lance Armstrong: for dumping Kate Hudson.

Oprah Winfrey: a buck every year until she gives the entire country a car.

Tom Cruise: stick over your other eye.

Bill Gates: the profit generated so far by Vista

The Walton family: what they spend on health care for part-time Wal-Mart employees.

Mark Cuban: better save it to buy smokes in prison.

Michael Phelps: just because he can eat all that junk food and not gain weight.

With public transportation ridership surging due to the recession, many upper-middle-class Americans are riding buses and trains for the first time since that one day in fourth grade when daddy’s chauffer called in sick, the maid was hiding from INS and mommy couldn’t bear to be seen at school driving last year’s Mercedes. While taking public transportation saves money and is better for the environment than flying a private jet 10 miles to avoid driving through “those” neighborhoods, it can be dangerous to board without knowing the unwritten rules of bus and train riding. To help you avoid getting stabbed with an umbrella, bitten by the man who lives in the back row or dumped off in a dark alley by a driver who doesn’t recognize you from the 2005 Forbes 500, here are some Etiquette Rules For Public Transportation:

It’s called a bus “shelter,” not a shanty or cell or outhouse — no matter how much it may smell like any of them.

Running to catch a bus is OK — flagging down a cop to stop it for you is not.

If you lack the correct change, don’t hold things up by trying to convince the driver to take your company’s stock.

Never sit next to a woman holding a baby — she may have just changed it on the seat.

If you step on someone’s foot, apologize in every language you know until you get a nod back.

Unless it’s the kind you need for your colon, don’t put your bag on the empty seat next to you.

Hand sanitizer is for your hands — not the seat, the floor, the window or the passenger next to you.

The window does not open — it’s better to sweat than ask another passenger to blow on you.

If you don’t want it to be placed between two slices of bread and fed to you, don’t talk on your cell phone.

Even if you have a note from your doctor, pregnant women will still kick your butt for a seat.

Never speak to the person next to you unless he says, “Do you want to live?”

If you are standing and your crotch is in the face of someone sitting, it’s better to move before your fantasy becomes obvious to her or the other passengers.

If you’re sitting and the crotch of someone standing is in your face, avoid all urges to lick your lips.

If the bus is crowded and your stop is approaching, “Excuse me” works better than “I’m wearing a bomb!”

If you miss your stop, don’t blame the driver unless you know for certain the recession is ending tomorrow and you don’t need any more rides.

Remember when Chrysler announced it is closing all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month in an attempt to counter the most severe downturn in U.S. auto sales in more than two decades? Gee, it wasn’t that long ago that everyone from President Bush down to lonely barbers thought that “cut-and-run” was a bad idea. Isn’t there something Chrysler can do with these plants while they’re idle to make some cash on the side and avoid being the biggest automotive embarrassment since the show ‘Pimp My Yugo’? As a favor to help Chrysler dodge a bullet, here are fifteen things it can do to make money with these buildings (I hope they remember this when I’m ready to trade in my Prius):

Temporary holding cell for Bernie Madoff, Rod Blagojevich and Plaxico Burress.

Place for the Detroit Lions to hide until the season is over.

Factory for making lead Hot Wheels toys to send to China.

Retraining center for CEOs about to become janitors.

Reception hall for the next Smith family reunion.

Distillery for turning unused ethanol back into corn mash whisky.

Recycling center for converting Hummers into mobile homes.

Storage for unsold copies of Sarah Palin’s biography.

Oven for cremating Christmas fruitcakes.

Arena Football Hall of Fame.

Movie studio for filming “Doctor Detroit II: Being A Ho’s Not So Bad Now.”

Tracks for indoor NASCAR series.

Factory for turning corporate jets into hybrids.

Closet for Cher.

Museum for Dinosaurs and Union Jobs.

Before you know it, they’re throwing around words like “paradigm” and three letter acronyms like SEO. You’re standing in the hallway stuck between your office and another cup of coffee while they go on and on and on.

Whether you’re bored to tears or completely clueless, you can easily feign interest and acumen on any given business topic with just the right selection of well-timed phrases.

To help you through inordinately long and yawn-inducing office conversations, we put together a quick list of comments that can: 1.) offer an insightful perspective, and 2.) bring the conversation to a swift end.

1. I was going to ping Legal before we pushed it through marketing.
2. His team definitely has the bandwidth to complete the project, the only question is can they come up with a scalable solution?
3. I think it would be a real numbers push, but accounting will never go for it.
4. Seth Godin has a great spin on [insert business topic here], you should check out his blog.
5. I think it would be a real sales push, but marketing will never go for it.
6. I thought the same thing, but wanted to take the convo offline before I made any decisions.
7. You know, this fits right into our new economy business model.
8. I think it would be a real marketing push, but compliance will never go for it.
9. I’d like to fast-track it, but no one is ever going to sync up unless we offer a value-added solution.
10. You should blog about that.

Make sure your colleague knows the conversation is over by giving a quick pat on the side of her arm and finish up with something like, “Let me know how that goes,” or “Keep me in the loop,” and then get to the safety of your office ASAP.

Use the comments sparingly and be careful not to dish out the same one with the same colleague more than once. With the right timing and on-your-feet-thinking, you can talk business even when you’re thinking beer.

Dear Employees,

We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.

That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work.

Since I’m out of the office so often, I’m going to need you to cc my assistant whenever you email a vacation day request. He will track your vacation, personal, and sick days. Be sure to let him know when and why you want off.

Should you take a vacation day, please keep your cell phone nearby in case I have a question that needs an immediate answer. If you’re taking an extended amount of time off (five consecutive days), you must have daily access to your work email and check it, at least, once a day (preferably mid-day, anytime between noon and 3:00 p.m.). Obviously, I don’t expect you to be on the clock when you’re on vacation, but a quick check of your email will save me a lot of headaches. Because of the amount of time I spend out of the office, it’s difficult for me to stay in the loop with certain projects. There’s a good chance I’ll need you to update me on whatever projects you have going, even if you happen to be at the beach.

Again, I can’t thank you enough for all of your hard work. We’ve met all of our sales goals and have doubled the number of clients during the past year. That’s phenomenal. Let’s just make sure we’re all following the rules and keeping our time sheets in check.

Many Thanks,

Your Clueless CEO

PS…please submit your vacation requests on Mondays and Wednesdays only as Tuesday and Thursdays are my golf days and I’m out most Fridays.

Not only is this frustrating, it’s an attack on your ego and should be taken personally.

Here are ten quick ways to exert your power within your office and gain the respect you deserve from colleagues:

1. Always give your two cents on a project whether you are asked about it or not. It’s important that you vocalize why it’s not going to work–people need a voice of reason.
2. Don’t reply to emails. If someone needs an answer from you, make them go out of their way to find you.
3. Never come to scheduled meetings on times. Making colleagues wait is a great way to let them know how busy you are and how valuable your time is.
4. Interrupt meetings that don’t include you. Most likely, there is somebody in the meeting that has information you need about any random situation. Interrupting a meeting to get your information lets them know that no matter what they’re discussing, your needs are more important, even if it’s a printer paper jam.
5. If someone is late to work or misses a day, be sure to bring it up next time you’re with them in front of the boss. You don’t have to be serious about it, just a quick, “So what kept you out of the office?” shows that you have a sense of humor too.
6. No matter who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about, check your blackberry incessantly. Regardless if you have a text, email, or voicemail message pull it out of your pocket every five minutes to check. And if you get a call, tell them you have to take it, even if it’s your mother-in-law. The best way to let someone know that you are more important than they are is by never giving them your full attention.
7. If you get a chance to actually lead a project, micromanage EVERYONE on your team. It’s your butt on the line, so you better make sure they know who is in charge. Ask for hourly updates and excel spreadsheets with status columns, second guess every decision that is not yours, and don’t give anyone due credit unless it’s going to benefit you. [A side note to this rule: don't put yourself out there too often. Being a project lead is the quickest way to fail at work; and, avoiding failure is the goal.]
8. Do your best to get one-on-one time with department heads, chief officers, or anyone in a more powerful position than you…and then tell everybody about it. Whether it’s a shared trip on the elevator or a round of golf, letting people know that you have direct access to real decision-makers gives you a certain amount of power by association. It’s a bit like name-dropping, only more professional.
9. Yell a lot and yell at everyone (except, of course, you’re supervisors). This is a must. The louder you can be the better. Some believe irrational outburst are unnecessary and inappropriate in the office environment. Not true. Projecting your anger is the best way in the world to exert power. People know you mean business and will think twice before they cross you again…or even talk to you. Sarcasm also works well in this way.
10. If you really want to let people know just how important you are–tell them. Tell them how busy you are, how many voicemails and emails you get a day, how many meetings you have to go to in a week, how often people keep bothering you to do their jobs. Feel free to add in all of your non-work activities. Busy people are important people.

Work is important; and there is nothing more gratifying than knowing that you’re just as important as the people you work with. These simple rules offer a quick and easy route to instant power. If you’re not using them regularly, now is the time to start and see if you can make it to a corner office by year’s end.

With apologies to Robert Fulghum, all you really need to know about economics, Wall Street and the bailout you learned in kindergarten …

You can never get your lunch money back from a bully, but you can show him your stomach rash and make him barf what he bought with it.

When a fart is detected, blame it on the kid whose immigrant parents give him bean sandwiches for lunch.

If you put the last block on the top of a stack, you can take credit for the entire stack.

The secret to good grades is sitting next to a smart kid who writes big.

Say you’re sorry, but first make sure the teacher is listening.

Teachers come and go, but a principal who appreciates your booger jokes is too big to fail.

You can take anything you want as long as you say, “My daddy can fire your daddy.”

Fake dog poop never loses its value.

Nap time is a great time to look for change that falls out of the pockets of kids who toss and turn.

Learn to flush and it’s up to your teacher to prove she gave you a note for your parents.

Sticking together is a sign you flunked paste.

Dick had more fun than Jane.

Has the $700 billion fiscal bailout trickled down to your balloon-mortgaged soon-to-be-foreclosed-and-not-that-nice-looking-anyway house? While checking the really fine print with our Hubble magnifying glass, we found a provision in the bailout for the little financially-challenged people like you based on the smallest unit of bailout measurements — the bucket.

Step One – Buy a bucket.

We’re not talking one of those cute little numbers your kids take to the beach. (Who are we kidding? There aren’t going to be any more beach vacations.) Get yourself an all-American ten gallon industrial pail.

Step Two – Take the bucket to your bank.

We know you don’t have much in that measly little savings account where you deposit those birthday checks from Grandma like she tells you to, but your need isn’t amount — it’s volume. Fill the bucket with as many pennies as your out-of-shape-because-you-can’t-afford-the-gym-anymore body can carry.

Step Three – Lug the bucket to your creditors.

The pitiful sight of you and your bucket full of pennies should be enough for most creditors to either cancel your debt or at least postpone it until you can come back with a bucket full of quarters. Besides, nobody wants pennies anymore anyway, except …

Step Four – Recycle the pennies.

While distracted by the bailout, the Treasury Department failed to notice that the price of the copper used to make pennies is more than the measly value of the coins themselves (sorry, Abe). Lug you bucket to the nearest copper recycler where you’ll promptly double your money and remove that aching pain in your shoulder.

Step Five – Celebrate and make even more money.

Use your rational exuberance to make even more money with your bailout bucket. Flip it over and play a happy song about the joys of capitalism (“I Want Money” is a good one). Put the cash from the recycler in a cup in front of you and watch your money grow as guilt-ridden investment bankers drop in a few coins from their own $700 billion bailout. See, trickle-down is working!

With just a bucket and some determination, you’ll come through this thing just fine!

9. On “The Office,” the food served at office parties has the vending machine wrappers removed.

8. At your office, the temps make more than you do even before they get promoted to your boss’ job.

7. On “The Office,” putting a co-worker’s phone in a block of Jell-o does not end in crying, bloodshed or a rush to the hospital with a secretary suffering from a lime allergy.

6. The inflatable doll belonging to the warehouse guys in your office does not have lunchroom privileges.

5. On “The Office,” doing crossword puzzles during meetings is a sign of rebellion, not a feeble attempt to hide the fact that you’re the only person without a Blackberry to text your friends.

4. In your office, being the only sane person is grounds for termination.

3. On “The Office,” looking over someone’s shoulder at their computer screen never ends with the words, “Can someone help me find my eyeball?”

2. At your office, the only time you get invited to a party at a senior executive’s house is when he can’t get an ice sculpture.

1. On “The Office,” office inter-employee romances are not only allowed, they’re encouraged, debated and occasionally wagered on.