Addam Smythe claims to be the great-great-grandson of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics. After a successful Hollywood career managing movie extras, stand-ins and seat fillers, Smythe used his connections and mail-order MBA to fulfill his dream of following in his alleged ancestor’s footsteps. Changing his name slightly to fulfill the basic requirement for living in Beverly Hills, Addam Smythe became the Economist to the Stars. Capitalistbanter.com welcomes Mr. Smythe to our staff to answer your financial questions.

Dear Addam Smythe,

I just turned 59 and decided it’s time to start thinking about saving up for my retirement. What do you recommend I do?

Elbert in Omaha

Dear Elbert,

I suggest you ask your employer to begin deducting 25% of your net income and deposit it directly into a special checking account. Discipline yourself to use this checking account for one purpose: to purchase the kneepads you will need while begging your children to let you live with them.

Addam

Dear Mr. Smythe,

My eccentric uncle passed away recently and left me his home which he built out of soap in an attempt to cash in on what he called the “housing bubbles.” Is there anything I can do with it?

Barb in Seattle

Dear Barb,

Soap homes were once popular in countries where trees were considered to be gods. Perhaps you can find one of the remaining members of the Oakodox Church and hold an open house. A plate of toast burnt with the shape of maples might help.

Addam

Dear Addam Smythe,

What will be the “next big thing?”

Joe in Toledo

Dear Joe,

The “next big thing” will be green crayons. Billions of half-used crayons end up in landfills every June when school lets out, forming a waxy buildup on the planet that is threatening to cause Earth to slip out of orbit. Fifty-four nations have signed the Crayoto Treaty calling for a ban on crayon sales, a move that would cripple elementary education and leave refrigerators doors across the country uncovered, hurting the critical magnet industry. A market is building for an alternative. Put your money in green crayons.

Addam

Got a question for Addam Smythe, Economist to the Stars? Leave it in a comment.

REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”

While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.

1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.

2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?

3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.

4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?

5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?

6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.

7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.

8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?

9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.

10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.

• Buy suits or slacks and jackets in neutral colors like black, gray and beige. This will ensure you will fit in a variety of work environments as it’s likely you will need to work several jobs to make ends meet.
• Have fun with shirts. Make sure you have button-downs and polo shirts for the office, and don’t forget some sturdy denim or corduroy for dumpster diving and building makeshift shelters.
• Add some pizazz with a sweater or vest in lightweight wool. With your insurance you can’t afford to catch a chill.
• Keep one or two heavy sweaters around for the end of the month when you’ll be walking to work. Gas isn’t getting any cheaper you know.
• Leather loafers work well in a variety of environments. Payless Shoes makes a nice leather-look alternative.
• A good-quality trench coat can take you anywhere, especially to interviews for new jobs.
• Don’t forget to express yourself with a fun tie. That’s the type of thing that could get you promoted to Assistant Manager on the night shift at Taco Bell.

Most important, recession or not, buy the very best underwear you can afford. You never know when opportunity will knock – and you can use the extra cash.

• Learn the lingo
  A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week.
• Strike the right balance
  It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ – all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity.
• Stick to business
  While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather.
• Know that you’re not cool
  No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying.
• Never talk money
  Your own that is – no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.

Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The group Daft and Unusual Monikers for Babies (DUMB), an organization of Harvard MBA recipients dedicated to propagating their species, has completed a six-month study on the effect of a baby’s name on his or her future success in the business world. Names of the children and grandchildren of Harvard MBA recipients and anyone whose unusual name is followed by “III” or “IV” were eliminated from consideration. After taking into consideration the current economic situation, DUMB released this list of names to avoid if you want your child to grow up to become a CEO, billionaire or defense contractor:

Freddie (also Frederick and Freda)

Mac (also Mackenzie and MacDonald)

Fannie (also Fantasia, Fandango and Fang)

Mae (also May, Maynard and Mae B.)

Ethel

Diesel

Sal (only if last name is Minella)

Tank

Crash (even if he’s clumsy)

Star (only if last name is Buck)

China (especially if baby has red hair)

Bear (unless it’s short for Barack)

G.M. (no matter what the letters stand for)

S.U.V. (see G.M.)

N.R.G. (you get the idea)

Yale (also Cornell, Brownie and Penny)

Britney

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.

In an interview after asking Congress for a “stand-by line of credit” that he hopes he won’t have to tap, Ford CEO Alan Mulally said he’d work for $1 per year if his firm had to take any of the government loan money. Based on the trouble the auto industry is in, that’s probably what the board at Ford should be paying him already. In addition to the CEOs of General Motors and Chrysler, here’s a few more grossly overpaid people whose salaries should be reduced to the buck they’re worth:

Donald Trump: make it two bucks so he can still get his hair cut.

Dr. Phil McGraw: he can use the buck to ride the bus to the next psych ward Britney checks into.

Rachael Ray: roll it in a ball and stuff it in her mouth … please!

Katie Couric: give it to her in nice shiny perky dimes.

Simon Cowell: it’s what he’s earned so far on Taylor Hicks.

David Beckham: he should give it to the first person who can guess what sport he plays.

Leslie Moonves, CBS CEO: for making us watch another season of “Survivor”

Alex Rodriguez: get a loan from Madonna.

Lance Armstrong: for dumping Kate Hudson.

Oprah Winfrey: a buck every year until she gives the entire country a car.

Tom Cruise: stick over your other eye.

Bill Gates: the profit generated so far by Vista

The Walton family: what they spend on health care for part-time Wal-Mart employees.

Mark Cuban: better save it to buy smokes in prison.

Michael Phelps: just because he can eat all that junk food and not gain weight.

With public transportation ridership surging due to the recession, many upper-middle-class Americans are riding buses and trains for the first time since that one day in fourth grade when daddy’s chauffer called in sick, the maid was hiding from INS and mommy couldn’t bear to be seen at school driving last year’s Mercedes. While taking public transportation saves money and is better for the environment than flying a private jet 10 miles to avoid driving through “those” neighborhoods, it can be dangerous to board without knowing the unwritten rules of bus and train riding. To help you avoid getting stabbed with an umbrella, bitten by the man who lives in the back row or dumped off in a dark alley by a driver who doesn’t recognize you from the 2005 Forbes 500, here are some Etiquette Rules For Public Transportation:

It’s called a bus “shelter,” not a shanty or cell or outhouse — no matter how much it may smell like any of them.

Running to catch a bus is OK — flagging down a cop to stop it for you is not.

If you lack the correct change, don’t hold things up by trying to convince the driver to take your company’s stock.

Never sit next to a woman holding a baby — she may have just changed it on the seat.

If you step on someone’s foot, apologize in every language you know until you get a nod back.

Unless it’s the kind you need for your colon, don’t put your bag on the empty seat next to you.

Hand sanitizer is for your hands — not the seat, the floor, the window or the passenger next to you.

The window does not open — it’s better to sweat than ask another passenger to blow on you.

If you don’t want it to be placed between two slices of bread and fed to you, don’t talk on your cell phone.

Even if you have a note from your doctor, pregnant women will still kick your butt for a seat.

Never speak to the person next to you unless he says, “Do you want to live?”

If you are standing and your crotch is in the face of someone sitting, it’s better to move before your fantasy becomes obvious to her or the other passengers.

If you’re sitting and the crotch of someone standing is in your face, avoid all urges to lick your lips.

If the bus is crowded and your stop is approaching, “Excuse me” works better than “I’m wearing a bomb!”

If you miss your stop, don’t blame the driver unless you know for certain the recession is ending tomorrow and you don’t need any more rides.

Remember when Chrysler announced it is closing all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month in an attempt to counter the most severe downturn in U.S. auto sales in more than two decades? Gee, it wasn’t that long ago that everyone from President Bush down to lonely barbers thought that “cut-and-run” was a bad idea. Isn’t there something Chrysler can do with these plants while they’re idle to make some cash on the side and avoid being the biggest automotive embarrassment since the show ‘Pimp My Yugo’? As a favor to help Chrysler dodge a bullet, here are fifteen things it can do to make money with these buildings (I hope they remember this when I’m ready to trade in my Prius):

Temporary holding cell for Bernie Madoff, Rod Blagojevich and Plaxico Burress.

Place for the Detroit Lions to hide until the season is over.

Factory for making lead Hot Wheels toys to send to China.

Retraining center for CEOs about to become janitors.

Reception hall for the next Smith family reunion.

Distillery for turning unused ethanol back into corn mash whisky.

Recycling center for converting Hummers into mobile homes.

Storage for unsold copies of Sarah Palin’s biography.

Oven for cremating Christmas fruitcakes.

Arena Football Hall of Fame.

Movie studio for filming “Doctor Detroit II: Being A Ho’s Not So Bad Now.”

Tracks for indoor NASCAR series.

Factory for turning corporate jets into hybrids.

Closet for Cher.

Museum for Dinosaurs and Union Jobs.