CAP News

Spencer Pratt Offers To Perform Mammograms

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Women's healthcare received an unconventional advocate today as reality show show and world-class douchebag Spencer Pratt issued a statement offering to "personally examine the fun bags of any woman who is concerned by the new boob guidelines that just came out."

The controversial guidelines issued by the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force recommend that women begin mammogram screenings at age 50 instead of age 40, and that the screenings take place every two years instead of annually. Debate about the validity of the new standards has been raging since they were issued earlier this week.

"Look, I've felt up a lot of titties in my time," Pratt told CAP News from the parking lot of the L.A. Tanning Salon. "Girls in my high school, girls from other high schools, strippers, MTV production assistants, hookers, and of course, my delicious wife Heidi.

"I'm all about the hooters, man, and as an expert, I know when they feel good and when they feel bad, real or fake, bee stings or bombs!" noted Pratt. "If Obamacare doesn't want these ladies getting their chesticles examined, just send them over to Uncle Spencer."

Spencer said his mammogram procedure involves telling patients that he needs to numb the area first, and after they consent, he then sticks his face between their breasts and says, "Num-num-num-num-nummm!" It's a technique he says is "totally rad." However, experts say Pratt is using an already volatile situation to further his own personal fame with no real regard for the health of the women involved.

"If you are stupid enough to take medical advice from Spencer Pratt, you probably deserve to get cancer," said Alison Fallwell, spokeswoman for the National Coalition For The Rights of Women (NCFTROW). "And I mean that in the nicest way. We need a real discussion of the issues surrounding mammograms, and none of that should in any way involve Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, Colin Quinn, or any other so-called MTV star.

"Well, except maybe Dr. Drew," Fallwell added. "Or maybe Mario Lopez - is he on MTV? No? Well, he's on some TV show I saw the other day, and I would definitely let him feel me up. But you know what? With my luck, it would probably turn out that he's gay. Then I'd be like, Okay, Mario - sorry I don't have a wang, but I'm still a nice person, you know.

"Wait, what the hell were we talking about?" Fallwell said.

Pratt, who reminded CAP News multiple times that people call him Bazooka Joe, also revealed on Twitter today that his new show - Spencer Pratt Grabs the Hills, Mounds And Bumps - will debut on MTV next week.

CDC Releases H1N1.6 Service Pack 2

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 06:15:00 EST

ATLANTA (CAP) - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Creation have announced the release of Service Pack 2 for the H1N1 virus, which fixes a number of vulnerabilities in the rampant disease and introduces a new rendering engine for those running Innoculation 2.0. Dubbed Swine Flu 2, H1N1SP2 is actually a Release Candidate and did not undergo standard beta testing.

"The nomenclature is a little confusing," said CDC spokesperson Chester Rehobeth. "H1N1SP2 is actually a roll-up of all the minor revs into a single package, so technically it's H1N1.6 RC 1. We have enough copies of Swine Flu in production that we didn't feel any additional beta testing was necessary."

According to the release notes, the marquis features of H1N1SP2 include an eight percent increase in fever intensity, a sore throat inflammation patch, and a plugin for diarrhea and vomiting. H1N1SP2 also fixes compatibility issues for asthmatics and diabetics and is WHO Pandemic 2009 compliant.

"In order to maintain compliance, we had to correct a code execution flaw in the H1N1 kernel that handles delivery of embedded germs to remote hosts," said Rehobeth. "So if you think H1N1 was infectious before, just wait till SP2 spreads. We're crossing our fingers that this thing goes viral."

Rehobeth said the plan is to manually push the patch to early adopters and then allow the Germ Delivery Module to exploit a weakness in the infected host's ability to disable wireless connections to unencrypted networks. In lay terms, the CDC plan will focus initially on children and take advantage of their penchant for not covering when they cough or sneeze while spending the day in school.

"All indications are that this will easily surpass the big cooties outbreak of 2006," said CAP News Health Editor Noley Thornton. "Right now the CDC needs to concentrate on keeping pirated versions out of the marketplace or else that could undo everything they've accomplished."

To that end, CDC officials do acknowledge that a number of variations of H1N1 have begun to seep into circulation, originating mostly from China and a handful of locations in Russia. Those include the FLS trojan, the R2D2 variant, and 07734, "which we couldn't figure out until someone turned their calculator upside down," said Rehobeth.

CDC officials say it's unlikely there will be an H1N2 version of the virus as some had previously indicated since scientists are instead working on selecting the next animal after which to name a flu. With swine, avian and crocodile flu already taken, researchers say they have their work cut out for them.

"Right now we're down to either salamander flu, border collie flu, or small woodland creature flu," said Rehobeth. "But whatever we choose, you can guarantee we'll corner the market on mass hysteria in 2010, too."

Publisher To Pull Palin Book, Replace With "Going Vogue"

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:45:00 EST

DES MOINES, Iowa (CAP) - In a surprise move, Harper, the publisher of Sarah Palin's Going Rogue: An American Life memoir, has announced it is immediately pulling all copies of the book off shelves and will re-release a revised version of it in time for Black Friday.

"Focus groups have been consistently telling us that they would like to see a more feminine side to Gov. Palin, so we've asked Sarah to rework the premise," said Larry Gates, a marketing VP for Harper. "We hope to get the new book, now titled Going Vogue: An American Princess, on the shelves by the end of next week at the latest."

Handouts provided to the press describe the book as a "battle by one woman to assert her femininity in the wilds of Alaska." Gone from its pages are lurid scenes of wolf slaughter, drunken fishing expeditions and bawdy stories that many associated with Palin are familiar with. Instead, readers will find quiet meditations, favorite recipes, and warm anecdotes, such as meeting husband Todd for the first time:

"He was covered in head to toe with grizzly urine, so the coyotes wouldn't attack him as he raced his snow scooter through the wilderness," writes Palin. "It was a smell just like Daddy used to smell like, and I was instantly attracted to him, despite the strippers on both arms, you betcha. Momma, I says, Help me whup them bimbos and I shall marry that man. We did, and I did, also."

According to publishing insiders, the book was faring poorly within its target audience before a chance misprint sent Harper executives thinking in another direction.

"Group after group of conservative readers were just cold to it," recalls one publishing source. "The women wanted her to tell them how to live their lives, give them crocheting and feminine hygiene pointers, that sort of thing. Conservative men just wanted her to be a bit more weak, subservient ... someone who'd giggle and blush if they called her 'honey' and pinched her ass."

The tide turned when a focus group was accidentally told they'd be reading Palin's Going Vogue: An American Princess.

"American royalty? They loved it. I think the decision was made that day to rework the title, the whole book," our anonymous source says. "Money trumps ideology, every time."

While Sarah Palin is trying to put her best face forward, it is evident that she isn't completely thrilled that her "mavericky trademark" had been trumped.

"Oh gee, I'm just the happiest fuckin' bitch on the crab boat, don't cha know?" Palin quipped before and settling down to dress a bull moose at an Iowa Tea Party and (postponed) book signing.

Palin's book tour for An American Princess is expected to re-kickoff early next month with a full spread and write-up in Redneck Glamour Magazine.

Christian Group Seeks Ban On Gay Divorce

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

BOSTON, Mass. (CAP) - The Christian Coalition of America, a staunch opponent of gay marriage, has seemingly given up that fight in favor of a new tact. The group has now begun lobbying hard against allowing gays to get divorced.

"It is an affront to the institution of divorce," said Coalition President Roberta Combs. "If they want to get married so badly, then they should stay that way. Don't be clogging up my court system with your gay marital woes."

Coalition members in Massachusetts have begun a petition campaign to legally block same-sex divorces, claiming the wording in current state law allows for homosexuals to get together, but not to part. They hope the state Supreme Court will hear the case during their fall session.

"Listen, they wanna get married, I'm actually okay with that," said anti-gay activist Jaleel Philips. "Keeps 'em outta my hair. But they wanna get divorced, then they're back on the streets, spreading their AIDS and whatnot. I'm not down with that."

Proponents of gay divorce said Philips' argument doesn't hold water because much like their heterosexual counterparts, they also like to cheat on their spouses, giving them ample opportunity to spread disease and whatnot even while married.

When reached for comment, government officials denied any knowledge of gays or lesbians actually living in Massachusetts.

NASA Confirms Existence Of Carrie Prejean Sex Tapes

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (CAP) - Still basking in its discovery of water on the moon, NASA yesterday announced its second momentous find of the week: 25 more sex tapes made by former Miss USA Carrie Prejean.

"It's not like we were intentionally out there, you know, looking for them," said NASA spokesman Marvin Federer, speaking by phone from Cape Canaveral. "It's just that they're everywhere."

The tapes were apparently being streamed digitally over the Internet when they were picked up by NASA's SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) satellites, and were subsequently beamed onto NASA's massive control room screen.

"We haven't seen this many high-fives in there since we got the first transmission from the Mars rover," said Federer.

Prejean, who lost her Miss USA crown over "contract violations," was suing the pageant, claiming she'd really been fired for speaking out against same-sex marriage. But she was forced to drop her case when a homemade sex tape emerged.

Prejean called the tape "the biggest mistake of my life." When seven more tapes were soon uncovered, she called those "the next seven biggest mistakes of my life." As for the 25 new tapes discovered by NASA, she has opted to lump them in with her original mistake, terming them "one wicked big f-up."

In fact, according to NASA scientists who studied the videos, it appears there was a period between March and July 2006 when making sex tapes was "practically all [Prejean] did."

"We're not even sure when she had time to eat," said Federer.

Prejean - who is currently promoting her new memoir Still Standing, Better Than I Ever Did - has proven sensitive about the tapes, even threatening to walk off Larry King Live when King grilled her on the topic. King later apologized, saying he'd mistaken Prejean for Jean Valjean, the protagonist of Les Miserables.

"Who is apparently a fictional character," added King, glancing at his "notes," primarily doodles of women's bosoms. "Who knew?"

As for accusations that Prejean's sex videos, all depicting her performing solo sex acts, fly in the face of her religious opposition to gay marriage, the former beauty queen disagreed.

"I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the Bible about not having a relationship with plastic, or stainless steel, or glass, or galvanized rubber," she noted. "And as for the videos, they didn't even have, like, cameras back then." Then she angrily removed her microphone and sat there awkwardly for several minutes.

As for NASA, the find has brought some unexpected attention to the agency. But when asked if the Prejean video discovery wasn't fairly minor in comparison to finding water on the moon, Federer responded, "Well, um ... What? I'm sorry, I was looking at the control room screen again."

Lou Dobbs To Host Immigration Reality Show

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:30:00 EST

EL PASO, Tex. (CAP) - When CNN's Lou Dobbs announced the abrupt departure from his long-running show, Lou Dobbs Tonight, many assumed that he would follow fellow right-winger Glenn Beck and make the quick leap to Fox. In a CAP News exclusive, Dobbs says that he will indeed be punching the Fox time clock, but it will be the entertainment wing, and not the news division, that will be signing his paychecks.

"I've felt for a long time that I've wanted to take a more active roll in this issue instead of just windbagging about it, and many of my colleagues and the CNN brass had been encouraging me to move on and do so," Dobbs told CAP News in the lobby of an El Paso hotel that has become the base for Dobbs' new show, Lou Dobbs Brown Alert!

"The chill of a cold Texas desert night, the smell of fear, the almost sexual stimulation of hands-on homeland defense... and they let me carry a Glock," Dobbs says, his voice breaking slightly as he shows off his sidearm.

Dobbs' show hopes to shine a bright light on some of the most pressing immigration issues facing this country, while at the same time providing entertainment to millions of Americans who have never seen an honest-to-goodness hardcore nationalistic border crackdown.

Each show starts with Dobbs' handpicked enforcers - the Dobbers - rounding up willing Mexicans from villages all along the US/Mexican border. After a brief training regiment, the Mexicans are turned loose with a map and the clothes on their backs to try and make it through the Dobbers to a special Freedom Flag located somewhere in the Texas desert. The first Mexican to make it to the flag wins a green card for him or herself.

If the rest of episodes are like the pilot, Lou Dobbs Brown Alert! may be in for a rocky run.

"We did have three deaths, and a brief, unfortunate, gun battle with the Texas National Guard that has been completely over-exaggerated, but we did keep 350 illegals from entering this country," Dobbs, who narrates the show and rides shotgun in the lead armored chase vehicle, says. "At the end of the day, you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet, and I think you know what color eggs I'm talking about here, right?"

Lou Dobbs Brown Alert! is another in a growing line of shows that have collectively been tabbed advocacy reality TV. From The Gary Busey Bum Olympics (homelessness) and Don't Bogart This Show (medical marijuana) to the upcoming Victoria Jackson show D&C Clinic Warriors (abortion), advocacy realty TV shows are seeking to change what it means to passively absorb reality programming in this country.

Lou Dobbs Brown Alert! will air after The Great American Boob Job Quest! on Fox Sundays (check your local listings for time and channel).

Britney Fans Upset Over Holographic Concert

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

MELBOURNE, Australia (CAP) - Fans who paid upwards of $200 for tickets to see pop star Britney Spears in the Australian leg of her Circus tour are expressing rage and disappointment today after being treated to a concert with a holographic image of Britney last night rather than the singer herself. Britney's tour manager was unapologetic.

"Listen, after what happened in Perth last week, do you really think Britney's gonna show her face in Melbourne?" said tour manager Larry Rudolph. "No, Brit's already back in the States, getting some much needed R&R.

"Just, uhh, just don't tell her babysitter because she's not ready to go back to being mommy yet," Rudolph added.

The situation in Perth refers to Spears' first show Down Under where fans stormed out of the concert after realizing the 27-year-old was lip-synching the entire performance. Fans going to see Spears in Melbourne said they came to terms with the idea that the pop star would be lip-synching, but they had no idea she wouldn't even be there.

"I had a feeling something was up when they made us put on these 3D glasses," said 22-year-old Janey Harkins, who drove over three hours and took out a line of credit against her home equity just to pay for the $1,400 tickets. "I give the technicians some credit, though; at least the holograph's lips matched the music they were playing on the CD.

"The only strange thing was when she leaned down toward the audience and said, Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope," Harkins added. "That was odd."

While general reaction throughout the music industry has been somewhat unfavorable, pundits say this new technology could pave the way for a more modern concert experience. The Jonas Brothers are reportedly already planning to use holographs to allow them to perform three shows at a time, with Kevin, Joe and Nick each appearing at different locations on the same night.

"Imagine always being able to see a young, vibrant Rod Stewart in concert instead of this decrepit old man he's become," said Wentworth Institute of Technology professor Harmon Young. "Or maybe Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith but we don't care because his holograph can still tour with them.

"Or that Nirvana reunion we've always wanted," Young added. "The possibilities are endless."

Representatives for Kelly Clarkson say the former American Idol star is working with Britney Spears' tour engineers to craft a holograph for the U.S. leg of her current tour so she can take off some of that weight that's been dogging her sexy image.

While most concertgoers may take a while to come around to this new concert technology, some like 24-year-old Melbourne resident Mick Duggin are already on board. "I just wish they'd made Britney's boobs a little bit bigger," he lamented after last night's show.

Domino's Pizza Boosts Earnings With More Slices

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

ANN ARBOR, Mich. (CAP) - Pizza delivery giant Domino's Pizza (NYSE:DPZ) has released its quarterly profit statement, which the company says beat analyst expectations by 77 percent. The pizza chain credits efforts to increase overall output while maintaining or cutting operating costs as the primary basis for the astonishing results.

"We're talking an immediate 25 percent increase in productivity following the implementation of our Ten-Slice Plan with barely a bump in manufacturing expenses," said Domino's Executive Vice President of Communications and Investor Relations Lynn Liddle. "It's clear this is an idea whose time has come and we are leading the way."

Industry analysts on average had predicted a profit of 15 cents per slice, but Domino's earnings report for the past three months rose to $17.8 million, or 27 cents per slice. Shares of YUM! Brands Inc. (NYSE:YUM) fell on word that the company's Pizza Hut subsidiary would not follow Domino's lead and would continue to cut their pizzas into eight slices for the foreseeable future.

"What this shows investors is that innovation is alive and well in the pizza industry," said Bloomberg analyst Murray Lynch. "Sure, everyone puts cheese in the crust, everyone has deep dish or thin crust or what have you, but right now, only Domino's has ten slices. They will be the guinea pig to see what the market can bear."

Domino's officials said the company is experiencing a slight increase in costs as it accounts for expenses to train employees on the new Ten Slice Plan. They said future training expenses will be incorporated into the regular operating budget as slicing classes and manuals are revamped for new hires.

Additionally, investors are keeping a close eye on two separate lawsuits facing the company. One by a former Domino's slicer who now works for Papa John's claims he came up with the idea for ten slices over two years ago but was told by his management that the concept "was not feasible" and was subsequently relieves of his duties.

The second lawsuit, filed by New England pizza chain Papa Gino's, claims Domino's is infringing on its trademark 12-slice rustic pizza, which the East Boston-based company says is the largest number of slices offered as a regular menu item by any domestic pizza franchise with at least five locations.

"Apples and oranges," said Domino's legal counsel Terence McCarthy of the Papa Gino's lawsuit. "Anyone can cut a tic tac toe pattern into a pizza and come up with more pieces, but that's not what the essence of pizza slicing is about.

"Besides, some of those rustic pizza corner pieces are so small, you can hardly call them slices," McCarthy added.

McCarthy said he believes the lawsuit is without merit and will be summarily dimissed. Papa Gino's made national headlines earlier this year when company scientists announced they had perfected the non-absorbent napkin.

Disney Shocked At Small Gross For Creepy, Boring 'Christmas Carol'

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

BURBANK, Calif. (CAP) - A soft opening for Disney's A Christmas Carol has jeopardized the company's planned slate of creepy animated movies nobody really wants to see, says one Disney executive who declined to be named.

"We had planned to roll out two or three of these a year," explained the executive, citing Disney's The Nutcracker, Disney's Johnny Tremain and Disney's Little Lord Fauntleroy as just three of the many creepy stop-action animation projects based on old, boring stories they have currently in the works. "This has us rethinking everything."

The $200 million Christmas Carol, featuring Jim Carrey in 15 different roles, grossed about $35 million its opening weekend - enough to grasp the No. 1 spot at the box office, but much less than expected. People who did see it noted in particular the way Scrooge's ultra-realistic wrinkly and pockmarked skin contrasted with his glassy, dead eyes.

"I don't think I'll ever sleep again," said Sally Marples of Kannapolis, N.C., whose children left the theater in tears.

But director Robert Zemeckis defended the film and the stop-action animation technique he helped develop. "It took many years and millions of dollars, but I feel like we've finally perfected a method for reproducing in animation everything that makes humans human, except for the non-creepy parts," he said.

As for choosing to do A Christmas Carol, which has already been made into a feature film more than 50 times, Zemeckis noted that "audiences have never seen it like this before. You know, creepy."

But Zemeckis' recent films have been blasted by some critics, with the New York Observer's Rex Reed noting that "Back To The Future wasn't creepy at all, Forrest Gump was vaguely creepy, but watching A Christmas Carol made me feel like my skin was crawling with bedbugs.

"I can't wait to see what his Johnny Tremain looks like!" he added, possibly sarcastically.

It sounds, though, like Reed and others hoping for more Carol-style animation from Disney may be waiting a while, with the company also rethinking its plans for creepy stop-action versions of Ivanhoe and Rebecca Of Sunnybrook Farm, the latter with Ellen Degeneres playing all the roles, even the men.

"I'm not sure how we could have miscalculated the public interest in this type of thing," admitted the executive, who added, "Luckily, we have at least six movies about flatulent chickens that can take their place in the pipeline at a moment's notice."

Rush Slams God For Dithering, Failed Leadership

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

NEW YORK (CAP) - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has taken his recent rant against President Barack Obama to a new level and has now launched a verbal assault on the Lord Almighty Himself. During a second interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, Limbaugh lambasted God for various shortcomings and a lack of attentiveness.

"The creator in which we're all endowed? What does that mean?" Limbaugh railed during the as-yet-unaired interview. "I'm not a black man; I'm not very well endowed. Every human being looks different. How can we all possibly be made in His image?

"Sending your son Jesus down to Earth to 'check things out' and then watching him get strung up on a cross and doing nothing - what's that about?" Limbaugh continued uninterrupted. "This may sound controversial, but I don't think He really cares. I don't think God cares what happens here on Earth."

When Wallace asked Limbaugh his thoughts on the Son of God, the Republican talking head said Jesus Christ was "pompous, a bit of a windbag, and wrong."

Limbaugh's rant against the Supreme Being went on for just shy of 30 minutes and remained relatively unchecked by Wallace, who at one point was caught by the camera massaging the corns on Limbaugh's chapped, dry feet. Pundits say even when Wallace did push Limbaugh on certain topics, his questions were "as soft as that man's heels after applying the moisturizer."

"I don't recall voting, but apparently Rush is now the de facto head of the human race," said The Nation magazine editor Katrina Vanden Heuvel. "Guess he didn't learn anything from Pat Robertson. Rush is headstrong, a head case, and headed to hell.

"Say hi to Karl Rove when you get there," Vanden Heuvel added.

At one point during the interview, Limbaugh looked as if he was going to spontaneously combust, so Fox News producers did pause it momentarily to allow him to down some painkillers. Limbaugh then proceeded to call out God for "treating Earth like a giant game of Yoville" and "trying to placate human suffering by sending us a black chair with ottoman."

"Let me put it to you this way. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost all wrapped into one?" Limbaugh said. "I think he's narcissistic, has an out of this world ego, and can't possibly have created this entire place in seven days.

"I mean, it takes longer than that to get a contractor to come install a wood floor for crying out loud," Limbaugh noted.

The Rush Limbaugh interview will air on a future Fox News Sunday program when the Republicans are in need of some slanderous press in order to push an anti-Christian agenda for political gain.

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Obama Board Game Loss Casts Doubt On Presidency

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

WASHINGTON (CAP) - While the GOP was cruising to dominating victories in two gubernatorial match-ups Tuesday night, the White House was quietly releasing a story that many political insiders see as a more pivotal assessment and referendum on his fledgling presidency. The scant two-paragraph story admitted that President Obama on Tuesday played his 8-year-old daughter Sasha in checkers.

And lost.

"OMGZ, loosing to a lil black girl like that LOLZ-presidency ovah!" Newt Gingrich tweeted on Wednesday. It was a sentiment readily shared by many politicians and media analysts.

"Look, this isn't checkers in the age of Nixon, this is something entirely different," NBC's Andrea Mitchell said Wednesday on MSNBC's Hardball show. "If he can't even beat a child at checkers, how is he going to compete on the world stage with someone like [China's] Premier Jiabao or [Cuba's] Raul Castro?"

"Can you imagine if Abraham Lincoln lost at Go Fish to Robert Todd Lincoln, or Martin Van Buren let his son John kick his ass at Parcheesi?" Hardball host Chris Matthews asked. "What kind of political chaos, political upheaval, political je ne sais quoi, would that have unleashed, Andrea? Oh my God, can you imagine??"

It's not all bad news for the president, however. Presidential scholar Julius Sanchez told CAP News that president/offspring contests rarely get to the point where they can seriously damage a presidency.

"Bush II of course never lost to the girls, so that was never an issue for his administration," Sanchez noted. "He even went so far as to put Jenna in the hospital once with overzealous endzone celebrations, as I like to call it. I believe that was over a game of Pick-Up Sticks.

"Bill Clinton was never allowed to play anything with Chelsea after she reached puberty, and Ronald Reason didn't do 'faggy' games, as he once told his son Ron. Based on recent history, I just don't see it being a huge issue," Sanchez said.

Still, Sanchez admitted that were the president to continue to lose to his daughter, he could see his polling numbers start to falter and his party's prospects in the 2010 mid-term elections start to dim. And it's not like he can avoid the issue. Teabagging groups across the country have already begun demanding a checker's rematch, with a November 21st Washington protest - tentatively called the Rematch March - already planned.

Your move, Mr. President.

CAP Gaming Reporter Louie Smuckers helped contribute to this article.

Al-Qaeda Announces Move To CD/DVD

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

SAN DIEGO, Calif. (CAP) - Following continued complaints of poor audio quality and amateurish video, al Qaeda has announced a deal with Sony Corp. to begin distributing its terrorist messages in the CD/DVD format.

"We're proud to announce this strategic initiative with one of the world's leading terrorist organizations," Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer said in a prepared statement. "We understand the extreme importance of communication in their industry and the explosive risks of failure and are prepared to meet those head on."

The deal has been two years in the making, with Sony having to stop and re-start negotiations multiple times due to various al Qaeda leaders being captured or killed during talks. Osama bin Laden participated in the meetings via remote conference bridge.

"This move actually completes the tech refresh orchestrated by al Qaeda's IT department," said Emu Mushi al-Kuholik just before being captured by US troops. "We have wireless in 95% of our caves, we have Blackberrys for 75% of the Taliban army, and now we have digital media.

"We have completed our mission of bringing terrorism into the 21st century," he added.

Sony and al Qaeda reportedly will also announce later this week a joint partnership with Trump Enterprises. Sources say the deal involves a new reality-game show where contestants will work to create an audio and video communique for a future al Qaeda campaign.

Florida Homeless To Get Free Wireless Internet

Tue, 3 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

ST PETERSBURG, Fla. (CAP) - As cities around the nation cut the internet cord and begin offering residents wireless access to the web, Florida is taking it one step further. The legislature has passed a resolution that will provide free wireless internet to all of the state's homeless by early next year.

"I figure it's the least we can do," said Sen. Paula Dockery. "I mean, I have withdrawals when I go a day without checking email. I can't imagine never being able to access it."

Homeless advocates are applauding Florida's efforts to aid the downtrodden, but question how well-placed their intentions are. Some have wondered publicly if the money would be better spent on purchasing iPods for the homeless to help relieve the monotony that comes with doing nothing but sitting on the sidewalk asking for handouts.

The new measure is the brain-child of Sen. Tom Lee, who noted that because of the nomadic tendencies of the state's homeless population, any cable or DSL connections would be useless to them.

Lee said studies have shown that many homeless struggle financially, which is why lawmakers decided to make their access free.

"Ultimately we'd like to see a situation where the homeless are networking with each other," Lee told CAP News as he dished out a quarter for a man to wash his windshield. "Where are the best places to sleep, in which alleys can you urinate without being caught, who recently tossed away a half-eaten Big Mac, that sort of thing."

To that end, the state has begun taking bids to design and host a new website called MyCardboardBox.com. The site is expected to go live in time for the arrival of cooler weather.

Sexy Costumes Lead To Tween Prostitution Arrests

Mon, 2 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

SALEM, Mass. (CAP) - Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred Saturday when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes.

"Well, you can't tell me they didn't look like prostitutes," said Salem Police spokesman Howard Wieczorek, who noted that they were only incarcerated for "a few hours" before their parents were able to pick them up.

"It was a little confusing at first, because most of their parents looked like prostitutes too," said Wieczorek.

Similar arrests were reported around the nation this Halloween, as "sexy" Halloween costumes have become more prevalent for girls of younger ages. In Salem, the girls were dressed as Sexy Hello Kitty, Sexy American Girl and Sexy Dora the Explorer, along with more generic costumes like Sexy Witch, Sexy Princess and Sexy Preschooler.

"I don't see what the problem is," said Michelle Ruggiero, 38, of Peabody, Mass., mother of one of the girls accidentally arrested. Ruggiero, dressed in her Sexy Homemaker costume of short apron, feather duster and bustier, was buying popcorn from a cart during Salem's famed Halloween celebration when police picked up her daughter and her friends.

"These girls are cute and thin, and I don't see why they shouldn't be able to show that off a little bit," said Ruggiero. "Maybe if more people let their kids wear 'sexy' little costumes, the United States wouldn't be in the disgustingly fat shape it is now," she added as she stomped out her cigarette with her 6-inch stiletto heel.

"I agree with my wife," added Ruggiero's husband, Carl, who was also wearing a bustier and stiletto heels.

But costumes like those that caused a ruckus in Salem have drawn criticism in some quarters. Darlene Fortenski, president of MAE (Mothers Against Everything), says there are many better options for young girls on Halloween.

"For instance, how about a nice business suit and briefcase, with little wire-rim glasses and hair pulled up into a sensible bun," suggested Fortenski. "You could call it, Girl Who Made Good Choices."

Mark Reynolds, owner of the popular online costume distributor costumeclatch.com, says his company doesn't offer a Good Choices costume, but does offer a very similar one featuring the top of a business suit, a briefcase, and a frilly mesh miniskirt. "It's called Tarty Tort Lawyer," he said, apparently proudly.

"All I know is, costumes like these cause a problem for law enforcement," said Wieczorek. "These girls should be wearing more socially acceptable costumes, like the ones my little boys wore [Killer Death Ninja and Bloody Soldier of Fortune]."