CAP News

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Sat, 7 Nov 2009 05:45:00 EST

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Obama Board Game Loss Casts Doubt On Presidency

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

WASHINGTON (CAP) - While the GOP was cruising to dominating victories in two gubernatorial match-ups Tuesday night, the White House was quietly releasing a story that many political insiders see as a more pivotal assessment and referendum on his fledgling presidency. The scant two-paragraph story admitted that President Obama on Tuesday played his 8-year-old daughter Sasha in checkers.

And lost.

"OMGZ, loosing to a lil black girl like that LOLZ-presidency ovah!" Newt Gingrich tweeted on Wednesday. It was a sentiment readily shared by many politicians and media analysts.

"Look, this isn't checkers in the age of Nixon, this is something entirely different," NBC's Andrea Mitchell said Wednesday on MSNBC's Hardball show. "If he can't even beat a child at checkers, how is he going to compete on the world stage with someone like [China's] Premier Jiabao or [Cuba's] Raul Castro?"

"Can you imagine if Abraham Lincoln lost at Go Fish to Robert Todd Lincoln, or Martin Van Buren let his son John kick his ass at Parcheesi?" Hardball host Chris Matthews asked. "What kind of political chaos, political upheaval, political je ne sais quoi, would that have unleashed, Andrea? Oh my God, can you imagine??"

It's not all bad news for the president, however. Presidential scholar Julius Sanchez told CAP News that president/offspring contests rarely get to the point where they can seriously damage a presidency.

"Bush II of course never lost to the girls, so that was never an issue for his administration," Sanchez noted. "He even went so far as to put Jenna in the hospital once with overzealous endzone celebrations, as I like to call it. I believe that was over a game of Pick-Up Sticks.

"Bill Clinton was never allowed to play anything with Chelsea after she reached puberty, and Ronald Reason didn't do 'faggy' games, as he once told his son Ron. Based on recent history, I just don't see it being a huge issue," Sanchez said.

Still, Sanchez admitted that were the president to continue to lose to his daughter, he could see his polling numbers start to falter and his party's prospects in the 2010 mid-term elections start to dim. And it's not like he can avoid the issue. Teabagging groups across the country have already begun demanding a checker's rematch, with a November 21st Washington protest - tentatively called the Rematch March - already planned.

Your move, Mr. President.

CAP Gaming Reporter Louie Smuckers helped contribute to this article.

Al-Qaeda Announces Move To CD/DVD

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

SAN DIEGO, Calif. (CAP) - Following continued complaints of poor audio quality and amateurish video, al Qaeda has announced a deal with Sony Corp. to begin distributing its terrorist messages in the CD/DVD format.

"We're proud to announce this strategic initiative with one of the world's leading terrorist organizations," Sony CEO Sir Howard Stringer said in a prepared statement. "We understand the extreme importance of communication in their industry and the explosive risks of failure and are prepared to meet those head on."

The deal has been two years in the making, with Sony having to stop and re-start negotiations multiple times due to various al Qaeda leaders being captured or killed during talks. Osama bin Laden participated in the meetings via remote conference bridge.

"This move actually completes the tech refresh orchestrated by al Qaeda's IT department," said Emu Mushi al-Kuholik just before being captured by US troops. "We have wireless in 95% of our caves, we have Blackberrys for 75% of the Taliban army, and now we have digital media.

"We have completed our mission of bringing terrorism into the 21st century," he added.

Sony and al Qaeda reportedly will also announce later this week a joint partnership with Trump Enterprises. Sources say the deal involves a new reality-game show where contestants will work to create an audio and video communique for a future al Qaeda campaign.

Florida Homeless To Get Free Wireless Internet

Tue, 3 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

ST PETERSBURG, Fla. (CAP) - As cities around the nation cut the internet cord and begin offering residents wireless access to the web, Florida is taking it one step further. The legislature has passed a resolution that will provide free wireless internet to all of the state's homeless by early next year.

"I figure it's the least we can do," said Sen. Paula Dockery. "I mean, I have withdrawals when I go a day without checking email. I can't imagine never being able to access it."

Homeless advocates are applauding Florida's efforts to aid the downtrodden, but question how well-placed their intentions are. Some have wondered publicly if the money would be better spent on purchasing iPods for the homeless to help relieve the monotony that comes with doing nothing but sitting on the sidewalk asking for handouts.

The new measure is the brain-child of Sen. Tom Lee, who noted that because of the nomadic tendencies of the state's homeless population, any cable or DSL connections would be useless to them.

Lee said studies have shown that many homeless struggle financially, which is why lawmakers decided to make their access free.

"Ultimately we'd like to see a situation where the homeless are networking with each other," Lee told CAP News as he dished out a quarter for a man to wash his windshield. "Where are the best places to sleep, in which alleys can you urinate without being caught, who recently tossed away a half-eaten Big Mac, that sort of thing."

To that end, the state has begun taking bids to design and host a new website called MyCardboardBox.com. The site is expected to go live in time for the arrival of cooler weather.

Sexy Costumes Lead To Tween Prostitution Arrests

Mon, 2 Nov 2009 06:00:00 EST

SALEM, Mass. (CAP) - Halloween festivities in Salem, Mass. were marred Saturday when police arrested more than a dozen 11- and 12-year-old girls, mistaking them for prostitutes.

"Well, you can't tell me they didn't look like prostitutes," said Salem Police spokesman Howard Wieczorek, who noted that they were only incarcerated for "a few hours" before their parents were able to pick them up.

"It was a little confusing at first, because most of their parents looked like prostitutes too," said Wieczorek.

Similar arrests were reported around the nation this Halloween, as "sexy" Halloween costumes have become more prevalent for girls of younger ages. In Salem, the girls were dressed as Sexy Hello Kitty, Sexy American Girl and Sexy Dora the Explorer, along with more generic costumes like Sexy Witch, Sexy Princess and Sexy Preschooler.

"I don't see what the problem is," said Michelle Ruggiero, 38, of Peabody, Mass., mother of one of the girls accidentally arrested. Ruggiero, dressed in her Sexy Homemaker costume of short apron, feather duster and bustier, was buying popcorn from a cart during Salem's famed Halloween celebration when police picked up her daughter and her friends.

"These girls are cute and thin, and I don't see why they shouldn't be able to show that off a little bit," said Ruggiero. "Maybe if more people let their kids wear 'sexy' little costumes, the United States wouldn't be in the disgustingly fat shape it is now," she added as she stomped out her cigarette with her 6-inch stiletto heel.

"I agree with my wife," added Ruggiero's husband, Carl, who was also wearing a bustier and stiletto heels.

But costumes like those that caused a ruckus in Salem have drawn criticism in some quarters. Darlene Fortenski, president of MAE (Mothers Against Everything), says there are many better options for young girls on Halloween.

"For instance, how about a nice business suit and briefcase, with little wire-rim glasses and hair pulled up into a sensible bun," suggested Fortenski. "You could call it, Girl Who Made Good Choices."

Mark Reynolds, owner of the popular online costume distributor costumeclatch.com, says his company doesn't offer a Good Choices costume, but does offer a very similar one featuring the top of a business suit, a briefcase, and a frilly mesh miniskirt. "It's called Tarty Tort Lawyer," he said, apparently proudly.

"All I know is, costumes like these cause a problem for law enforcement," said Wieczorek. "These girls should be wearing more socially acceptable costumes, like the ones my little boys wore [Killer Death Ninja and Bloody Soldier of Fortune]."

House Of Representatives Annual Wet T-Shirt Contest Past Winners

Sun, 1 Nov 2009 05:45:00 EST

YEAR	REPRESENTATIVE	AGE
1987	Nancy Pelosi	47
1988	Nancy Pelosi	48
1989	Patricia Schroeder	49
1990	Barbara Boxer	49
1991	Barbara Boxer	50
1992	Nancy Pelosi	52
1993	Anna Eshoo	50
1994	Carolyn Maloney	48
1995	Cynthia McKinney	40
1996	Cynthia McKinney	41
1997	Loretta Sanchez	37
1998	Mary Bono	37
1999	Mary Bono	38
2000	Mary Bono	39
2001	Melissa Hart	39
2002	Loretta Sanchez	42
2003	Marsha Blackburn	51
2004	Stephanie Herseth	33
2005	Cathy McMorris	36
2006	Mary Bono	45
2007	Stephanie Herseth Sandlin	36
2008	Stephanie Herseth Sandlin	37
2009	Stephanie Herseth Sandlin	38

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Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

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Congressional Wet T-Shirt Contest Fun For All

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:45:00 EDT

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Members of the House of Representatives took a break from politics as usual today to hold their 23rd annual wet t-shirt contest as a wrap-up to National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. And for the third time in a row and fourth time overall, Rep. Stephanie Herseth Sandlin (D-SD) slipped past Rep. Mary Bono Mack (R-CA) to win the competition.

"Man, that water was cold!" Sandlin told CAP News as she dried off. "I swear it gets colder every year. Just between you and me, I think Steny [Hoyer] had a little too much fun pouring the water on us, if you know what I'm saying."

Historically the Speaker of the House performs the water-pouring duties, but since Rep. Nancy Pelosi became Speaker back in 2007 and wanted to continue to compete, that task moved to the Majority Leader. Pelosi won the inaugural wet t-shirt contest during her first year in office in 1987 and then tacked on two more victories, including being the oldest to win at age 52 in 1992.

"Bless her soul, still competing at this age," said Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), who finished third behind Sandlin and Mack. "I mean, it's not a pretty sight, but she's got moxy. Heck, her workout videos still sell like hotcakes. An amazing woman."

Despite the innocent fun of the wet t-shirt contest and the positive press it has garnered for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the competition is not without its detractors. However, the negative response is mostly from the other chamber of Congress, where jealous senators admit they can't come up with anything more creative than singing Kumbaya together.

"We've all been begging Kirsten [Gillibrand] to show us hers every since she took over for Hillary," said Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL). "And then Barbara [Boxer] is all, I will, I will, but I really think it's time she just put hers away."

In addition to the contest, the House subcommittee on Health, Sex and Condoms also announced their endorsement of pending bills in conjunction with Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The new legislation would support breasts, encourage efforts to improve breasts, and help make breasts more available to disadvantaged Americans.

"You know what, this whole thing isn't just about size, or else this would be the Sanchez/Bono show every year," said 2003 winner Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). "As any Republican male can tell you, there's a lot more to breasts than just their size, and we hope our wet t-shirts get that point across.

"Or those points, as it were," Blackburn added.

For the past six years, the competition has been sponsored by DC-area businesses, the proceeds from which go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. And this year for the first time, the contest was videotaped for an upcoming Pols Gone Wild DVD collection to be hosted by Ryan Seacrest. The collection should be in stores in time for holiday shopping.

Click here for the full list of winners since 1987.

Obama Urges Healthier Pranks This Halloween

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

WASHINGTON (CAP) - As boys and girls finalize their Halloween costumes and gear up for an evening of trick-or-treating throughout the nation's neighborhoods, President Barack Obama is asking parents to be extra vigilant with their children's capers and other high jinx to ensure healthier, more environmentally-sound pranks are being pulled this year.

"As a former child myself, I understand the need and desire for a touch of tomfoolery on All Hallows' Eve," Obama said. "But we can't lose sight of what it means to be a healthy prankster, a safe prankster, a conscientious prankster.

"Remember what they say," Obama added. "Trick or treat is really neat, but going green just can't be beat."

The president then laid out a set of guidelines that he said he hopes "teens, tweens and pre-teens alike" will follow before heading out for their yearly shenanigans this Halloween. Among the recommendations are ditching the toilet paper for more environmentally-friendly flushable wipes, smashing pumpkins and then bringing the pieces to the local food pantry, and exchanging regular eggs for the healthier alternative of Egg Beaters.

"All of the splat with none of the cholesterol," Obama noted. "And think how easily that'll clean up with those flushable wipes."

Many parental groups have come out in support of the president's Halloween suggestions, including Mothers Against Everything (MAE) who released a statement saying, "We know what we're against, and we're not against this." However, various industry organizations have blasted the plan, calling any change in Halloween traditions "as un-American as the nose on [Obama's] face."

"Flushable wipes my ass," said Art Fontelroy of the Toilet Paper Producers Guild of America. "I mean, you can't replace the beauty of a roll of one-ply arcing over the branch of an oak tree with a piece of floppy wet cloth. It just ain't right.

"We do 25 percent of our annual business this month alone, second only to high school graduation season," Fontelroy added. "If he keeps this up, we're gonna have to ask for a bailout - no shit."

Obama also cited a recent study which found that due to the ever-increasing obesity epidemic affecting the nation's youth, more and more children are unable to run away after "ding dong ditch" and are getting caught before they even get out of the front yard.

"And where I grew up in Chicago, if you didn't get out of the front yard before the homeowner came to the door, you would be shot," Obama stated. "The fear alone helped keep us thin. Well, that and my smoking."

Obama then sidetracked himself into a conversation about healthcare, reminding everyone present at the press conference that "the best way to keep health costs down is to stay healthy." He then excused himself for his late-morning aromatherapy session.

Target: 'Dead Baby Giveaway' A Typo

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. (CAP) - Discount department store Target has apologized for an advertisement in a recent flier that offered to give away dead babies for just $5.99 with the purchase of $200 in merchandise. However, store executives said they are legally bound to honor the promotion.

"Well, obviously it was a typo," said Target CEO Robert Ulrich. "But I have no idea where we're gonna come up with these things - I mean, we don't keep them in stock. We're not Walmart."

The ad, which appeared in last week's flier, outraged deceased infant advocacy groups, who flooded the Target corporate offices with critical calls and e-mails. Some even picketed outside various store locations with signs that threatened to picket additional locations if their protests were ignored.

"We speak for the dead babies because they cannot speak for themselves," said Maureen Gagne of People for the Ethical Treatment of Dead Offspring. "And unlike the dead babies, we will not be silenced!"

Lawyers for the Target Corporation said a number of people have already contacted some of the stores to redeem the coupon. They added that they are working feverishly to find a legal loophole that will help them avoid the stigma of becoming the first major retail chain to deal in the dead baby black market.

"We've got a number of options on the table right now," said Kenneth Schofield of the law firm Adams, Schofield & Sullivan. "They range from giving away copies of William Marsh's 2000 movie, "Dead Babies" to teaming up with abortion clinics and just meeting our obligation head-on."

Schofield said there is precedence for Target's situation. In Peter Casey v. Evanstar Electronics, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that Evanstar Electronics owner Mark Evans did not have to actually give his right arm to the plaintiff as he stated he would do if the plaintiff completed a particular purchase.

Officials for Target said that the copy editor who created the flier has been relieved of his duties with the company. He has reportedly taken on a new job as a fact-checker with the New York Times.

Rosie Sues Over Women's Restroom Symbol

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

NEW YORK (CAP) - Talk show host Rosie O'Donnell has filed a lawsuit in federal district court claiming that the internationally recognized women's restroom symbol - which consists of a stick figure wearing a dress - is discriminatory. The lawsuit alleges that the symbol forces women to feel as if they must wear a dress to be a "real woman."

"Believe me, I am all woman. I'm even more woman than most women, and in fact I'm twice as much woman as four-fifths of the women out there," O'Donnell stated on her daily video blog. "But I do not wear dresses. Period. I wear cargo pants. I wear dungarees. I wear sweatpants. But I don't wear dresses, or any variations of dresses.

"No skirts, no minis, no skorts, no culottes, no dirndls, no hoops, no kilts, no panniers, no petticoats, no sarongs, no tutus - NO DRESSES," O'Donnell added. "I have a glandular problem, and I just don't feel comfortable in them."

O'Donnell further said that such a symbol insinuates that if a woman is not wearing a dress, she "might as well use the men's room." She said her lawsuit protects not only her rights but also those of "all the other non-dress-wearing women out there." The lawsuit has already gained public support from other famous "celesbians" like Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres.

"Seriously, does that little symbol mean I need to be wearing a dress to pee in there? If not I have to hold it?" Degeneres ranted on the set of her talk show. "Have you seen what can happen to someone who is forced to hold it too long? It's not pretty. Portia once held it for 18 hours, and I ended up having to take her to the emergency room."

However, O'Donnell is also facing some staunch opposition from industry leaders who feel that her objections are without merit. The International Bathroom Signage Association (IBSA), the group responsible for the oversight of bathroom signs and symbols around the world, has called the lawsuit "insane" and "the stupidest thing we've ever heard."

"It's a symbol. A symbol that means Ladies Bathroom. Everyone knows what it means. It in no way implies that all women need to wear dresses, or any clothing at all, for that matter," said IBSA Director Lanna Phillips.

"Rosie O'Donnell is a lunatic," Phillips added. "The bad news for her is that the IBSA is an extremely powerful organization with some of the best lawyers in the world. She is going to learn a hard lesson here - you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, and you don't mess with the IBSA."

O'Donnell has vowed to take her lawsuit all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary. "I don't know what they should change it to," she said, "but mark my words, they will end up changing it. I'd bet my last Twinkie on it."

She then ate the Twinkie.

Disney To Offer 'Fast Pass' For Swine Flu Vaccine

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

ORLANDO, Fla. (CAP) - Citing the growing sense of concern over the availability of the H1N1 or "swine flu" vaccine, Walt Disney World has introduced a "Swine Flu Fast Pass" that will allow Disney patrons to step ahead of others to receive their inoculations.

"As incidence of the disease becomes more prevalent, parents are growing increasingly anxious," said Karl Metterschmidt, Disney's vice president of health and human services. "By using our Swine Flu Fast Pass, you can ensure that your child gets this potentially life-saving vaccination, and create magical memories in one of our theme parks at the same time!"

The Swine Flu Fast Pass is available to anyone who purchases at least a Five-Day Park Hopper Bonus Ticket and stays in a Disney resort classified as "moderate" or better. This means visitors who stay in the value resorts or the campgrounds are not eligible, noted Metterschmidt.

"But we guarantee you'll be glad if you choose to stay in some of our more luxurious accommodations," he said, citing Disney's Polynesian Resort and the Grand Floridian Resort & Spa as examples. "It may cost a little more, but isn't it worth it for your child's well-being? Hmm?"

As an added bonus, to allay the fears of young visitors, all shots "will be administered by beloved Disney characters, like Winnie the Pooh and Pumba from The Lion King," said Metterschmidt. All will be trained by licensed Disney health professionals, he added, and the syringes will be soldered to their hands, paws and/or hooves to ensure maximum stability.

The plan has raised concerns in some corners, with several critics noting the incident in 2007 when anger over the perceived exclusionary nature of the Fast Pass system caused a riot among park patrons.

"That was an unfortunate incident, but I assure you that we've taken all the proper precautions," said Metterschmidt, noting that members of the Disney Military Police Unit will be issued extra truncheons for the duration of the program. "And I'll remind you that the characters will all be armed with syringes."

The plan has also drawn criticism from the White House, where President Obama declared the swine flu to be a national emergency last week.

"The vaccination program is about getting vital preventative care for the, you know, people who need it most," said Obama when asked about the Disney program. He said what Disney is doing could be considered discriminatory to all the people who can't afford the deluxe package, or even to go to the park in the first place.

"Now I'm feeling kind of bad we gave them all that bailout money," said Obama.

Metterschmidt dismissed the criticism, however, noting that a Disney World experience has always been about getting "something extra."

"Let's face it, getting vaccinated has never been this magical," he said. "There's never been a better time to visit a Disney theme park, because if you don't you might die."

[pic] The Best Photos From July

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

Enjoy a quick run-through of the best CAP News photos from July, 2009.

[audio] Ad: Boogerless Home Equity

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

If you're looking to refinance your home or draw a line of credit, be sure to consider a booger-free banking institution.

Healthcare Battle To Be Waged On Playground

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:00:00 EDT

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The ongoing debate over new healthcare legislation took an odd twist on Capitol Hill today as the U.S. Senate Finance Committee announced an end to the formalized discussions surrounding the numerous versions of bills floating around and said Congressional leaders would "duke it out" on a local playground to see who gets their way.

"We've been talking for months about this stupid legislation and we're no further along now than we were when we started," Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) ranted from the floor of the Senate. "So we're gonna settle this the old-fashioned way: Mitch, meet me by the swing set tomorrow at three o'clock.

"Be there - or be square!" Reid bellowed before storming away from the podium.

As a hush fell over the chamber and eyes turned to Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), aides could be seen trying to hustle the Senate minority leader to the nearest exit, fearful of fisticuffs breaking out live on C-SPAN. A clearly distraught McConnell paused before leaving and turned his attention to his adversary.

"Oh, we'll bring it, Reid! We'll bring it!" McConnell shouted back. "It's time for you Democrats to put up or shut up! I am gonna kick your pansy--" It was at that point that aides pulled McConnell from the room.

The political blogosphere was immediately abuzz with the news as pundits speculated who would come out on top in the skirmish. As word of the throwdown spread to the House of Representatives, liberal news blog The Huffington Post captured the general sentiment of the situation with a photo of Nancy Pelosi "ready to rumble."

"We haven't seen a good cat fight since the Laura Bush/Hillary Clinton steel cage match of '06," HuffPost blogger Ryan Grim told CAP News. "What would be great is to see any Republicans who get hurt have to use a Democratic health plan when they seek medical attention, and vice versa.

"About time they ate their own dog food, if you know what I mean," Grim added.

Reaction from the White House was guarded as reporters peppered President Barack Obama with questions about the battle royale at today's press briefing. Despite having spent the better part of the summer campaigning for healthcare reform, Obama said he would not be participating in the melee due to other obligations.

"Unfortunately I will, uhh, be receiving my afternoon spa treatment at that time, but I, uhh, wish the Democrats the best of luck," Obama said. "What I don't understand is, uhh, why this can't be settled with a game of 21 or a game of HORSE. Or a round of one potato, two potato. What about, uhh, what about a game of four square?"

Contrary to the president's stance, when CAP News asked Vice President Joe Biden his opinion on the matter, he was busy wrapping a piece of torn cloth around his fist, which clenched a roll of quarters. "You bet your ass I'm going!" Biden said. "Joe Biden's no sissy. It's time to lay the smackdown on these GOP asshats."

Word on the street is that all chains, knives and broken bottles will be confiscated before anyone is allowed onto the playground.