CAP News

Study Finds Schools Rely Too Heavily On Education

Tue, 9 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

WASHINGTON (CAP) - A survey released last week by the White House shows that one in ten American public schools experienced excessive learning last year, up from one in fifteen over the previous year and above the average of one in twenty-three and a half over the past decade.

The study also found that the number of students who graduated high school ready for a professional sport dropped more than ten percent. The survey was funded by the National Basketball Association.

"That just blows," said President Obama, possibly referring to the economy. Or healthcare. Or his chances for re-election.

Then when asked about the results of the survey, Obama said, "We cannot let education stand between our children and the welfare rolls."

In his remarks to education leaders on Friday, Obama also announced the diversion of $17.5 million in funds earmarked for public education to atheletic programs. "History books don't change from year to year," said Obama, "but those football uniforms get old and tattered rather quickly."

The study found that learning was more likely to take place in schools where the teachers are not threatened by the students, and students are not giving birth in the bathrooms or selling drugs in the halls. President Obama said he plans to suggest legislation that would transfer troublesome students to trouble-free schools to help "spread the wealth."

The survey was based on questionnaires sent to over 62 elementary schools, junior high schools, middle schools, alternative schools, traveling schools, military schools, pre-schools, high schools and after-schools in 12 of the 50 states.

Principals rated homework, pop quizzes, and the promise of a college education as the three most common reasons why learning takes place despite all efforts to the contrary.

The survey will appear in next month's issue of The White House Hooligan.

Woman Conan Followed On Twitter Offered Sitcom

Mon, 8 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Sarah Killen, the woman Conan O'Brien chose at random to follow on Twitter last week, will write and produce an NBC sitcom based on her Twitter feed starting this fall.

The show, tentatively titled Lovely Button after Killen's Twitter username (@LovelyButton), will feature Danica McKellar, best known as Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years, as a woman who tweets about peanut butter and planning her wedding.

"We think Sarah's 33 tweets will make a fascinating basis for a sitcom," said NBC CEO Jeff Zucker. "She's clearly got what 18- to 49-year-old men are looking for, whatever that is."

The sitcom was originally planned to revolve around the changes in the main character's life after Conan O'Brien follows her on Twitter, but NBC had to scrap that angle after being threatened by O'Brien's attorneys.

"Apparently there's still some resentment there," admitted Zucker, who removed O'Brien from The Tonight Show after seven months to replace him with former host Jay Leno. "We sent (NBC executive) Dick Ebersol to his house to try to talk to him, but Max Weinberg came out and hit him with a timpani."

Some analysts say NBC is scrambling to compete with rival CBS, which recently announced a sitcom starring William Shatner based on the Twitter feed Shit My Dad Says, tentatively titled Oh, The Things My Dad Says!

TV critic Tom Shales of the Washington Post has noted that NBC probably sees an opportunity to compete in the Twitter-based show arena, given that the Dad Says sitcom will have to be watered down significantly from the salty version people read online.

"For instance," notes Shales, "Here's a recent Dad Says Tweet: 'You don't just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.' And here's a line from the script for the Shatner show pilot: 'What's ... the deal ... with my remote? Could the buttons ... be ... smaller?'

"They put the pauses in so Shatner remembers to talk like himself," Shales pointed out.

Lovely Button, on the other hand, will be just like the tweets Killen's online followers have become accustomed to since they started following her on Friday just because Conan did, says Zucker.

"When the character in the show says 'yummmmmmhmmmm' in reference to peanut butter, viewers will know that we're being true to the source material," Zucker added.

"It's really been, like, a whirlwind couple of days," said a clearly astonished Killen, who has been interviewed by dozens of magazines and websites, appeared on the Today show and Larry King Live and was spotted drinking mudslides at Elton John's Oscar party with Chesley Sullenberger.

"Mr. Zucker is so awesome," she added, speaking to CAP News from in front of Mac's Convenience Store near her home in Ypsilanti, Mich. "I still can't believe he said I could take over The Tonight Show in five years."

Airlines Roll Out New Punch-In-The-Face Fee

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

CHICAGO (CAP) - American Airlines and US Airways announced yesterday that in order to make up for shortfalls in both companies' operating budgets, they will soon be rolling out a new $50 convenience surcharge to pay for what they're calling a "good old-fashioned punch in the face."

"What a lot of people don't realize is that back in the Golden Age of air travel - when flying was a privilege and people used to get dressed up to go on airplanes - a punch in the face was the fluffy pillow or comfortable headphones of today; everyone wanted one," said American Airlines spokesman Bob Goodfrey during a teleconference with reporters yesterday.

"We see this as an opportunity to bring back this important flying tradition," Goodfrey added.

Goodfrey went on to explain that tickets sold on or before the first of this month will be subject to the charge. The new fee is assessed at the point of purchase and it gives airline employees, both on the plane and in the terminal, the freedom to walk up to passengers and punch them square in the face at any time during their flying experience.

"I have to fly for work, so I have no choice," said Bert Carlton, 47, of Flint, Mich., while trying to slow a heavy flow of blood from his nose. "At least with this fee, I'm getting to relive a piece of important aviation history I had no idea existed."

Children ages 2 and older are charged the full fee, but parents can request open-handed slaps instead of direct punches to the face. Also, frequent fliers are partially exempt and can only be punched in the face while the aircraft is in the air.

"My parents live 1,500 miles away and they love spending time with their grandchildren, so we need to fly," said Martha Ewer, 33, of Sarasota, Fla., while getting a butterfly stitch placed under her left eye in the airport medical center. "And as opposed to other fees for things we already are accustomed to doing - checking our luggage or not printing out boarding passes at home - at least with this fee we get something new each time when we fly."

In addition, Goodfrey recommended that customers who already have reservations not attempt to reschedule or cancel. Not only will those customers be assessed the full surcharge, but also someone associated with the airlines will come to their house and deliver the punch to the face.

Both airlines also announced layoffs yesterday to 34,000 employees who were not only casualties of the current economic crisis, but also had "trouble landing uppercuts with either hand," according to a joint press release.

Biden Stiffs Girl Scouts Out Of Hard-Earned Cash

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Vice President Joe Biden is in hot water with the Girl Scouts of America organization today after reportedly trying to obtain some boxes of cookies from a group of Brownies without paying for them. While the Obama administration called it a "misunderstanding," Girl Scout officials aren't buying it.

"First he said he left his wallet in his other pants and that they were in the wash," said Troop 60548 member 8-year-old Sarah Paquette. "Then he said his stimulus check hadn't arrived yet and that he'd catch [us] on the flip side. Whatever that means."

According to other members of the troop, the vice president already had three boxes of cookies in his hands when he made the statements and as Paquette confronted him about paying for them, Biden reportedly tried to close the door on the girls. During the ensuing struggle that saw Paquette's foot get slammed repeatedly in the doorway, Biden is alleged to have told the girls to "back off - I'm the vice president, I'm good for it!"

"The vice president sorely regrets having called four members of Girl Scout Troop 60548 little cretins during the scenario that unfolded earlier this week," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "But at no time was Mr. Biden in possession of cookies for which he had not paid. The little cretins are simply lying."

Despite the backhanded apology, Girl Scout leaders from around the country are voicing their opposition to the Obama administration's handling of cookie season, which has seen both a decline in sales as well as a recall of Lemon Chalet Creme cookies. Republican luminary Sarah Palin spoke out against Girl Scout cookie injustices during her recent appearance on The Tonight Show.

"Jay, nobody understands the plight of the cookie boxers more than the tea partiers and we need to work together toward our common cause, you betcha," Palin told host Jay Leno. "Having a tea party without cookies is like fileting a salmon without a knife. It can be done, Jay - I've done it a million times - but it's just not as fun. And your fingers smell like fish.

"And that's what the Obama administration wants, Jay," Palin added. "They want your fingers to smell like fish. Well we need to stop sitting around smelling our fingers and wash our hands, Jay. We need to wash our hands."

Following news of the cookie sale fracas, other charitable organizations have started coming forward to claim mistreatment at the hands of the vice president during various fundraising efforts. Among the groups seeking an apology are the Boy Scouts of America, who claim Biden likes Girl Scout cookies "more than our over-priced popcorn tins."

"One time I saw him put a five in the collection plate at church - and then he took back three dollars in change," said one Wilmington, Del. churchgoer who asked not to be identified. "What does he think, he's Protestant?"

After being hounded for two days by various media outlets, Vice President Biden has vowed to be more supportive of the Girl Scouts and other local charitable organizations going forward. He was later overheard telling an aide that "this job isn't as easy as I thought it was."

Riverdale Gang Goes Gritty In "Dark Archie"

Wed, 3 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

HOLLYWOOD (CAP) - Another comics icon soon will be leaping off the pages and landing on the big screen as Warner Bros. has announced plans for a live action adaptation of Archie. However, in the upcoming film tentatively named Dark Archie, America's favorite high school chum will get a much-needed gritty, morally ambiguous makeover.

"Archie: Return To Riverdale didn't quite work as a film in the way that we wanted it to," said Warner Bros. Pictures Group President Jeff Robinov, referring to the little-seen 1990 TV movie featuring Archie, Jughead and the rest of his comic book pals. "Now the plan is just to reintroduce Archie. We're going to try to go dark to the extent that the character and the PG-13 rating allows it."

What that means, say those close to the project - to be directed by McG (Charlie's Angels, Terminator: Salvation) - is a sort of "Riverdale 90210," wherein the Archie gang grapples with real-life issues of drugs, teen sex and urban violence.

"Especially the teen sex," said Robinov, adding that Blake Lively of Gossip Girl has already been cast as Archie's devoted but sexually ambiguous girlfriend Betty, and Lindsay Lohan was in talks to play Veronica, the slutty rich girl with whom Archie has unprotected sex in his jalopy convertible.

"The old Archie was fine for the Mayberry days, but these are different times," said McG, discussing his vision for the film. "In the 21st century, people want an Archie who knows what it's like to kill a man with his bare hands."

Archie has yet to be cast, although McG says they hope to find an unknown for the role, "ideally a young Matthew Broderick type, if Mathew Broderick had done a lot of ecstasy," he said. But generating the most early buzz is the screen test by Benjamin McKenzie of TV's The O.C., who is said to be "positively chilling" in his role as "The Jughead."

McKenzie says he's "slept an average of two hours a night" since he started researching the role of The Jughead, whom he describes as "a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy, and an unnatural love of hamburgers."

"I can't stop thinking [at night]. My body is exhausted, and my mind is still going," said McKenzie. "I'm wondering, what drives a man to eat that many hamburgers? And wear a gray crown beanie? And let his bushy sheepdog, Hot Dog, slobber on him uncontrollably?"

"Frankly, I don't think I could handle the role if it wasn't for all the ecstasy," he admitted.

Rounding out the cast will be Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night Lights as Archie's nemesis, Reggie, who in the new version will be horribly scarred in a boiler room accident at Riverdale High, and Tyler James Williams of Everybody Hates Chris as a new character, Leroy the OxyContin dealer. And in an unusual move, the principal, Mr. Weatherbee, will be played by the late Marlon Brando, using unused footage cobbled together from Apocalypse Now and The Island of Dr. Moreau.

"It's clear from The Dark Knight that audiences want dark versions of beloved characters, so that's what we're going to give them, almost exclusively," concluded Robinov, who is also working with director Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Basic Instinct) on casting a reboot of the classic comic Little Lulu.

For that film, "we're looking for a goth Lindsay Lohan type, only much, much sluttier," he said.

Governments: World Definitely Not Ending, Nuh-uh

Tue, 2 Mar 2010 06:00:00 EST

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The U.S. government has joined with other nations from around the globe to state that the world is not coming to an end, despite the unprecedented weather and earthquake incidents of recent months.

"The idea that the world is ending is, frankly, uh ... ludicrous," said President Barack Obama, speaking from Air Force One, surrounded by his family and closest advisors. "Everything is going along, uh, just the way it usually does."

Obama's staff was on the presidential plane for a "change of pace," said the president, and definitely not because they were heading to a secret rendezvous area to board a fleet of high-tech "arks."

"No matter what you read on TMZ," he added.

Governments of other nations corroborated Obama's assertions. In England, Ben Bradshaw, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, addressed reporters to confirm that people had nothing to worry about.

"Pish-posh, everything's fine," said Bradshaw, speaking from the office of Prime Minister Gordon Brown at 10 Downing St. in London. "World coming to an end - nonsense." He then poured himself a glass of water, spilling most of it onto the prime minister's desk as his hands shook uncontrollably.

Asked where the prime minister was, and the royal family, and the 20-plus other secretaries and ministers in Brown's cabinet, Bradshaw responded, "What's that? Oh, out for a stroll, I suppose. Not headed to a secret rendezvous area, I can tell you that."

He then closed his eyes for about 30 seconds and muttered, "Blasted short straw," before laying his head down on the prime minister's soggy desk.

And in France, reporters discovered Elysee Palace completely deserted, its occupants apparently having left so quickly that all lights remained on, chairs were toppled onto their backs and the croissants and black coffee on the ministers' desks were still warm.

A sign posted on the door, scribbled in yellow highlighter marker, read, roughly translated, "Everything fine, go back to what you were doing, be back soon."

It's believed the rumors of global destruction started when a study by Dr. Roderick Crawford at the Rochester Institute of Technology purportedly showed that recent earthquakes, bizarre weather patterns and even wild animal attacks were part of a vast breakdown in planetary systems that would likely lead to the complete destruction of life on earth. However, no one can find any copies of the study, and Crawford has seemingly disappeared.

"Well, nobody in this government kidnapped him in the middle of the night, I can say that unequivocally," said President Obama via satellite from his plane as he snapped the buttons on his high-tech life preserver/survival jacket. "Now if you'll excuse me, we have, uh, a staff meeting."

Fortunately, rumors of the planet's demise have gone largely unnoticed by the populace, which has been distracted by Avatar, American Idol and the Winter Olympics. In a related story, Cypress Mountain in Vancouver, B.C. exploded in a sea of lava over the weekend, incinerating the men's parallel giant slalom teams from all 82 participating countries, and everyone else within a 50-mile radius.

Google Faces Heat Over New "Living Room View"

Mon, 1 Mar 2010 06:15:00 EST

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (CAP) - Google, Inc.'s latest addition to its Google Maps and Google Earth programs is facing an uphill battle as the company tries to move it out of private beta. Opponents of the new Google Living Room View say this time, the search giant has gone too far.

"I'm not quite sure where to begin describing what's wrong with this one," said ACLU President Nadine Strossen. "Oh, wait, I know. How about, What the fuck?"

Google Maps' latest feature, creatively codenamed Google LRV during production and early testing, takes its advanced Street View right into the home, allowing users a virtual tour inside people's houses, as well as businesses and other landmarks. Google employed numerous techniques to obtain the footage from which they built the application, including people posing as homebuyers who visited thousands of open houses over the past six years.

"We also posed as assessors, repairmen, meter readers - whatever it took to get inside people's homes," said Stephen Chau, Google Maps product manager and lead developer of LRV. "Really, this is just a natural extension of our Street View feature, except that nobody's gonna bully us into blurring anything with this one."

Chau said once Google opens up the app to developer API's, the possibilities with LRV will be limitless. He said he envisions a time when people can take pictures of items or furniture they like from different websites and use their own LRV for a sort of virtual interior design.

"But even now, imagine not having to ask someone where their bathroom is when you visit them for the first time because you already scoped out their house online," added Chau. "Saves a lot of hassle."

Chau acknowledged that there could be unintended consequences with LRV, possibly giving a whole new meaning to "casing the joint" and bringing home burglary into the 21st century. "But I'm sure the people who invented guns didn't intend for anyone to actually die, either," Chau noted. "We're just building the vehicle; we're not driving the car."

The ACLU has already announced plans to sue Google over the new software once it goes to public beta. Google has said if that happens, they will make sure users can access the courthouse via LRV in time for any proceedings.

Report: Scientists Don't Know Shit

Fri, 26 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

ROCHESTER, NY (CAP) - A new study by researchers at the Rochester Institute of Technology, to be published in next week's edition of the journal Science, found that scientists don't khow shit about anything.

"We were surprised to find out exactly how much shit they don't know," said researcher Dr. Roderick Crawford. "I mean, they really don't know their asses from their elbows, in some cases literally."

"And by they, I of course mean myself and everybody I've ever worked with, which makes this more than a little awkward," he added.

The findings come in the wake of a recent admission by scientists that they had grossly underestimated the dangers posed by asteroids passing close to Earth. Originally they had determined that the chances of Earth being hit by a deadly asteroid to be one in approximately 34 billion; they revised those findings to reflect new data, which indicates the chances are about the same as those for being run over by a mid-size SUV.

But according to the new study, that was only the latest in a long line of thousands of examples of scientists not knowing shit about whatever it was they were talking about at the time. The study classifies more than 5,000 important scientific discoveries into the following categories:

* Total shit
* Shit
* Just plain wrong
* Close to being vaguely right
* Right

About 80 percent of the discoveries turned out to be total shit, with 17 percent falling into the next three categories, leaving only 3 percent that could be classified as right. "And we've pretty much determined those were all by accident, like when a monkey makes a real word out of alphabet blocks," said Dr. Crawford.

Not surprisingly, the findings have met with some criticism in the scientific community. "I'd argue that we know our shit much more than 3 percent of the time - I'd put it at closer to 8 or 9 percent at least," said Dr. Mark Phillips of the California Institute of Technology.

"Um - and I'm not just saying that because I need to justify all that grant money," he added.

But one prominent scientist who asked not to be named said the report was accurate, and maybe even gave scientists more credit than they were actually due. "I know I've just been making shit up for years," he said. "All we really do back at the laboratory is sit around drinking Nehi and playing World of Warcraft."

The study places scientists high on the list of professionals who don't know shit about their purported areas of expertise, which also includes pollsters, politicians, journalists, sportscasters and TV weathermen.

"Even philosophy professors do better, mainly because you can't prove their bullshit is wrong," said Dr. Crawford.

Govt Raises Bin Laden Bounty With New Lottery

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

LAWRENCEVILLE, NJ (CAP) - Lottery officials have confirmed that the U.S. government is sanctioning a new lottery game, the proceeds of which will go toward an increased bounty for the capture of Osama bin Laden. Payouts on the Osama bin Lotto game easily exceed $100,000, but scratching off the wrong spot could cost you a finger.

"We needed something to make this game stand out among the thousands that consumers can choose from," said New Jersey Lottery Commission spokesperson Marc Reinart. "So we upped the max payout, increased the frequency of payouts, and added a little risk to make it interesting."

The risk to which Reinart refers is a pinch of powdered incendiary mixed in with the tin-like substance used on the scratch ticket itself. If the player scratches off the wrong spot on the card, the friction ignites the powder and creates a small explosion.

The ACLU has already filed a lawsuit to prevent distribution of the new tickets, saying it's "just another case of the government preying on the poor."

"Do rich people buy lottery tickets? No," said ACLU spokesperson Jennifer Whiting. "Do rich people need their fingers? Not as much as poor people, no. And we'll prove it in court."

The game has already featured two winners in a special test run throughout a handful of locations in New Jersey. The first winner, an 18-year-old Jersey City man, collected $250,000 with only the loss of the tip of his index finger. The other winner, a 43-year-old Paterson man, wore heavy gloves while scratching his $100,000 ticket and escaped with only third-degree burns to the back of his hand.

"Our window of opportunity is very small as people will eventually figure out how to game the system," said Reinart. He cited examples of videos posted to Metacafe and Youtube that explain how to use blacklights and metal detectors to figure out which cards have the scratch bombs.

Reinart said when the game rolls out to a dozen other states within the next couple of months, they hope to have the powder formula altered enough to render the so-called "scratch bomb hacks" moot.

"I mean, come on," said Reinart, "isn't that hundred grand just a little bit nicer when you know you've truly earned it?"

Miami Looks To Crack Down On Street Cheese Vendors

Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

MIAMI (CAP) - A new ordinance passed by the City of Miami Commissioners is taking aim at street vendors who sell cheese to the city's residents and visitors. Commissioners unanimously agreed that public health concerns necessitated a clamp down on what has typically been a mostly unregulated peddling practice.

"How long has that piece of cheese been sitting out when I plop down my 50 cents for a tasty morsel on a 90-plus degree day?" Commissioner Marc Sarnoff asked before the vote at Tuesday's City Commission meeting. "You can't tell me because you don't know. Nobody knows! How many of our children need to get sick from tainted cheese before we take action?"

The ordinance, which goes into effect the first of next month, states that "any person or persons desiring to sell cheese or cheese byproducts to residents of the city of Miami must first procure a common victualers license in accordance with Chapter 13, Article I of the code of the city of Miami, Florida, as amended, entitled Development Impact And Quality Assurance Related To Health Concerns Regarding The Sale Of Cheese."

Additionally, the resolution requires that vendors register with the board of health no more than three locations in the city from which they plan to sell their cheese. Many of the city's long-time street cheese vendors said the decision as a step in the right direction.

"My cheese is good cheese," said one vendor who asked not to be identified. "But some of these other guys, especially the younger ones, their cheese - not so much. They give us all the bad name."

While many are applauding the move as a positive one, some leaders of Miami's Hispanic community are expressing outrage at the ordinance, calling it prejudice against the city's Hispanic and Latino populations.

"It seems to me an amazing coincedence that upwards of 85% of the people who sell cheese on the street are either Hispanic or Latino," community activist Rafael Garcia told CAP News in a phone interview. "These regulations are preposterous, and racist to the core. They're not selling drugs here, they're selling cheese."

The mayor's office refused to comment about the charges, saying only that the decision was made with the best interests of the public in mind. The city is offering counseling to those vendors who need to present in front of the City Commission but are unfamiliar with the process.

Las Vegas Unveils New Marketing Strategy

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

LAS VEGAS (CAP) - In an effort to tap into the vast reservoir of disposable income that goes unspent every year by members of the so-called Generation X and Generation Y, the City of Las Vegas Tourism Board is unveiling a new marketing strategy to replace "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

The new strategy is simply called, "Just Give Us Your Damn Money."

"Single people in the 25-45 age range have plenty of money to spend on vacations," said Tourism Board president Melvin Kelingrove, "but they're just so apathetic, many of them can't be bothered to go through the effort to actually contact a travel agent or put together a trip on their own.

"With this new strategy in place," added Kelingrove, "they can obtain the entire vacation experience with the click of a button, and they don't actually have to go anywhere or do anything!"

Under the new promotion, faux vacationers simply log onto the Tourism Board's new website, giveusyourdamnmoney.org, and enter their credit card number. Based on their credit limit, the site automatically calculates how much the person would have spent on food, entertainment, and gambling, and immediately charges the account holder with that sum.

"In most cases, the amount is ironically exactly equal to the credit limit, so it works out great," said Stewart MacIntosh, senior staff editor at Fodor's travel magazine. "It's really quite brilliant."

Four to six weeks later, a package arrives that contains the person's 'vacation keepsakes' - used ticket stubs from shows, photos of the Vegas area, a stripper's phone number scribbled on a cocktail napkin, etc. "You get the whole Vegas experience without ever leaving home," added MacIntosh.

"I'd definitely be up for a vacation like this," said Corey Holland of the popular Gen X online community www.genxlives.com. "I mean, actually going to Vegas - getting on a plane, sitting in the casinos, doing stuff - the whole thing just smacks of effort. If I can just sit in my living room, log onto my Mac Book, and do my vacation that way, it's just so much easier.

"This is coming at a really good time for me, too," said Holland, "because I've been needing a vacation pretty badly for a while now. I just haven't been able to pull anything together. This is great!"

The new site will launch this fall, and the campaign will be supported by TV commercials set to air during repeat episodes of Seinfeld and Friends on TNT.

Palin Slams Down Syndrome Portrayal In 'Life Goes On'

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

NEW YORK (CAP) - Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is blasting the 1989-1993 ABC series Life Goes On, featuring a character, "Corky," with Down syndrome, calling its creators "heartless jerks."

"The world is full of cruel, cold-hearted people who would do such a thing," Palin said in an appearance on Fox News Channel's The O'Reilly Factor. "To show a likeable, well-adjusted character with Down syndrome on TV ... That's just wrong."

She also said she took the show as a personal affront to her and her family when she saw a rerun recently on ABC Family.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my family would have to see a show like that, which was clearly meant at a swipe at my retarded baby, Trig," she said. "Um ... and when I say retarded, like Rush Limbaugh I mean that in a satiric kinda way."

When O'Reilly asked her how she would define the term "satiric," she paused for about 30 seconds and then said, "All of 'em."

Palin's complaint comes after she and her family made an uproar over the Fox TV series Family Guy, which featured a similarly well-adjusted character with Down syndrome, voiced by an actress with the condition.

"Dude, I can't believe that's the one they decided to get worked up about," said Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who noted that in one episode during the campaign, Palin and her entire family were portrayed as "back-woods troglodytic mouth-breathers."

"One episode of 60 Minutes, I mean," he clarified, cracking himself up and high-fiving the members of his writing staff, who were gathered to work on an upcoming episode entitled Stewie Says Something Inappropriate.

"And you didn't hear Democrats complaining when we did that episode where Glen Quagmire accidentally has sex with Bill Clinton," MacFarlane noted.

But the Down syndrome episode continues to draw fire from the Palin camp, and especially her daughter Bristol, who called Family Guy "particularly pathetic" and noted "I've tried watching that show and I've never gotten a single joke, so what does that say?"

Bristol Palin called the show tasteless and stupid compared to classic television shows the whole family could enjoy. "Like Hee-Haw!" said Sarah, Bristol, Todd, Track, Willow and Piper Palin, all in unison.

"We actually had Hee-Haw on when we conceived Trig," said Sarah Palin, prompting Bristol to exclaim, "I had it on when Levi knocked me up too!" Then they high-fived.

Meanwhile, Life Goes On co-creator Mandy Browerman expressed surprise that Palin would take his show as a personal affront, given its universally praised depiction of a family grappling with Down syndrome and the fact that it went off the air 15 years before Palin ran for vice president and 13 years before she became governor of Alaska.

"What is she, a f'ing retard?" he asked.

Brad, Angelina Split Up In Grocery Store

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:30:00 EST

LOS ANGELES (CAP) - As rumors continue to swirl around whether Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are a happy couple or headed for the proverbial splitsville, it looks like a recent trip to the grocery store could spell doom for the celebrity duo. According to multiple CAP News sources, the two separated once inside the grocery store and did not shop together.

"When they got here, they each grabbed separate baskets, gave the other a kiss, and then went in opposite directions," said Ralph's Fresh Fare checkout clerk Marie Simms. "She went to the fresh fruits and vegetables aisle, and he went to the salty snacks aisle.

"And everyone knows potato chips and roasted peanuts are Jennifer Aniston's favorite munchies," added Simms. "I'm just sayin'."

The grocery store split is just the latest in a series of events that lend more and more credence to the idea that things are not well in the Pitt-Jolie camp. Last week at Blockbuster, the two couldn't decide between renting Se7en or Girl, Interrupted and when Jolie insisted on Slingblade instead, Pitt stormed out of the video store with 14 kids in tow, most of which may or may not have been part of the Pitt-Jolie brood.

"Discord is the name of the game," said CAP News gossip columnist Liz Everhart. "Happy couples don't have their names plastered all over the news before the release of their new movies. Happy couples don't get to sue a tabloid for untold punitive damages so they can buy that third house in Malibu.

"Happy couples don't get to have maddening, luscious, body-quivering make-up sex," added Everhart. "But if they did, hopefully they'd videotape it for all of us to watch."

Although paparazzi have managed to catch the A-list pair acting somewhat amorous at various recent events such as the Directors Guild of America Awards, the Superbowl and a stroll down the wrecked streets of Haiti, the number of situations lacking affection continues to grow, such as a recent dinner the two shared at the French restaurant Le Perigord.

"Everyone knew something was wrong, because they sat on opposite sides of the table while they ate," said a source. "And they totally fed themselves and not each other. I mean, Brad didn't even try a piece of Angelina's Foie de veau meuniere. How can they be so cold?"

However, another source told CAP News that "you could tell they wanted to spend time alone and didn't want to be bothered by anybody." When asked how she knew this, the source confided it was because "that's what they told me while I was taking pictures of them eating their Lobster bisque."

In the meantime, Jennifer Aniston has reportedly been texting Pitt 10-12 times per day to tell him that she won't take him back no matter how many times he does or doesn't ask, but that if they need a babysitter for their kids, she doesn't have any plans on Friday night. Or Saturday night. Or at all this month.

Connecticut Edges Delaware For Worst-State Status

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

HARTFORD (CAP) - Connecticut has been named the worst state in the union for 2010 in the latest study conducted by National Geographic magazine. The Constitution State narrowly beat out last year's winner Delaware for the top honors.

"Well, obviously the Hartford Chamber of Commerce isn't really happy with this rating," said Arthur McMahon, Chairman of the Capitol Region Council of Governments. "I know things here are stressful, a bit claustrophobic, the people are rude - okay, I guess I see their point."

The magazine used 20 statistical indicators to rate living conditions in each of the 50 states, and combined that information with surveys from thousands of readers to come up with the overall results. Editors concluded that Connecticut is "a state full of rich WASPs who are too cheap to pay to live in New York."

Connecticut easily ranked #1 across all crime categories, including Best Place To Get Crack. On the flip side, the state pulled in at #50 in such categories as Culture, Education, Originality, and finishing the sentence, "You know where I went for vacation?"

"Well, the fact is that we do suck," said Gov. Jodi Rell. "We're the state where people stop to let their pets go to the bathroom between New York and Boston. Ever since the Whalers left, all we're famous for is ... umm, uhh, heh.

"Oh, wait! I almost forgot," said Rell. "Insurance."

The results came as a "mild surprise" to the National Geographic staff who conducted the survey and expected Delaware to hold onto the bottom spot for the 5th year in a row. Instead, Delaware moved up two notches to #48, leap-frogging over Montana, which remained mired at #49 for the 12th consecutive year.

George Thorogood led the "Delaware Is #48!" party well into the wee hours of nearly 9pm.

Snowbound Commuters Use Kids To Hold Parking Spots

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:00:00 EST

SOMERVILLE, Mass. (CAP) - Combating what they're calling a "dangerous trend," police in several northern cities have warned residents that it is illegal to save your shoveled-out parking spot by leaving your child or your pet in it.

"We've had several close calls already," said Somerville, Mass. Police Chief Howard Frederickson. "If someone has been driving around long enough, the fact that you've left your kid in your parking spot won't be enough to deter them.

"I'm not saying they'll run the kid over, but they're likely to at least pick him up and move him to another part of the street," he said, explaining that this happened several times in his city during the last snowstorm, and in one case it took a young boy, 7, several hours to wander home.

But some urban residents defend the practice, saying they only do it as a last resort. "What am I supposed to do? They moved my folding chair, my garbage pail, my old dining room table and even a broken washing machine I lugged out there," said "Bob" of Chicago, Ill., who asked not to be identified by his full name.

"And it's not like I leave her out there all night," he said, referring to his daughter, Melissa, 8. "It's only when I'm making a quick trip, like to the corner to buy cigarettes or play Keno."

Even more common, say authorities, is residents leaving their pets in their parking spots, typically tied-up dogs but also ferrets and gerbils in their cages, and in at least one case in South Boston, an entire aquarium full of fish. That case ended in tragedy when the temperature dropped suddenly.

"I can absolutely see it," said Chief Frederickson about the South Boston incident. "You think, nobody's gonna take my spot if I leave my pet or my kid in it, but you come home a few hours later and you have to use an ice pick to chop out your fishsicles."

Fights over saved spots have become a common occurrence, say authorities, but the altercations have gotten worse the more people leave their loved ones in the spots.

"Typically you've just had a couple of guys throwing punches, but now you've got the kids kicking each other, and if there are dogs or ferrets involved there's also biting," said Frederickson.

Jon Bartolodo, director of public works for Thornton Township, Ill., noted that leaving your kids and pets in your spot can also impede plow drivers making a second or third run down the street.

"They're authorized to plow right over small obstacles like traffic cones and mailboxes," he noted. "But they run over a kid, the city's got a lawsuit on its hands."