Cries rang out from his crib last night as I was drifting into a peaceful sleep. I waited for a moment, hoping he'd fall back asleep, he didn't. Next were the coughs disguised as barks and louder crying. My husband met me in the hallway, giving each other the "uh oh" eyes we opened his door and found him up.

Bundled in his blanket, I wrapped him in my warm embrace, drawing him nearer to me with each step out of his room. My husband grabbed a bottle of apple juice cut with a ton of water, moved the big rocking chair to sit in front of the TV playing Golden Girls, a blanket for me, and we settled into a night of unknowns.

Sucking his thumb he snuggled into me, like I was all he really needed. Like the pain instantly evaporated when in my arms. I think it really did. Rocking, singing, kissing and soaking in the comfort we brought to each other, it wasn't so bad that my eyes were wide awake even if they wanted to close.

I was his everything and I could still make it all better.

Yesterday my 6 year old told me about something that happened at school earlier in the week. He bought a snack for the playground, they get to do that two times per week. He purchased a cheese stick and crackers, grabbed a seat next to some other children, and opened his cheese stick.

It fell into the dirt, covered in muck.

His heart crushed, it was the cheese stick he'd been thinking about all morning long.

Kids at the table laughed at him and made fun of him. He cried. And they laughed more. He just sat there, unsure of what to do next, opening his crackers he shoved them in and let the moment pass.

This broke my heart into a million little pieces. How come it is that life forces us out of the ability to comfort and make things all better for our children into this uncomfortable place where we can't always be there to love them through something embarrassing or painful or sad?

It doesn't seem fair.

I guided him with my words as to what he could do if there was a next time like that. I hugged him and told him I loved him and that must have really made him sad. I searched for another cheese stick at home, only to find it missing, but he wanted "some vegetables please" anyway.

I patted his head and sent him on his way into the big, big world again — on his own — with me at home waiting with open arms.

This growing up thing could quite possibly be harder on me than it is on him. This snails pace slow letting go seems almost more painful than if it were ripping fast like taking a band aide off.

Today I hold my littlest babe in my arms, smelling his hair, playing with his baby toes, enjoying this moment that time has allowed me.

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I'm alone but not lonely. I'm with Him, in praise and song. I'm with His nature.

I'm lost in a bright green wonderland of sorts. Eyes bounce from the job at hand, to the flowers still in bloom, the birds in sky, the grasshoppers jumping about.

I'm fueled. filled. full. bursty. yes, bursty.

The filling of my children next occupies my mind, and soon my arms are no longer empty.

Taking turns they steer and drive and carry me away with them.

Time alone and together…

my fuel.

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Will celebrate out 8 year wedding anniversary this September the 8th.

We have three children together.

Share a home.

Have seen each other through my brothers crime, my mothers suicide attempt and my own health struggles.

We've supported each other, loved each other, laughed together, and dreamed of our future all these years, still do.

Life is up and down and all over the place but one thing remains steady, our love for each other.

We've grown a lot, will continue to do so, but we grow together and not separately, not apart from one another.

I love him.

Love us.

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Old cards from our love affair!

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Read past 'love letters' about our relationship.

2007

2008

2009

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I was battling myself …

Do I post about this night, these feelings, this place I've found myself in?

Or go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

I packed up my numb heart for the night and climbed into bed, into His arms and fell asleep.

The morning greeted me with streaming beams of warm sunlight, childrens voices that filled every crack and crevice of this tiny house, and a to-do list a mile long.

A phone call rang into my reality, letting me know my Grandmother had suffered another stroke and has lung cancer, which will likely take her life in less than 6 months. My husband was in one of those weird moods he gets in now and then and my feet began to ache with the bacteria that's all but refusing to leave my body.

I was being pulled back into that place. That deep, dark, pitiful place that had settled over my body the previous night.

I went about my daily list, scrubbed, laundried, fed, changed, played, read, vaccumed, organized, cleaned out…

"Go for a drive", called my spirit.

I answered the calling and went.

First there was some of this…

(Spirit-to-spirit contact with the Almighty)

Listening to this, which always stirs me within. And then listening to this song, which made me tap my feet, smile and feel Him in my presence. Oh and there was this one, which reminds me of my teen years when Toby was part of DC Talk (which totally rocked!), and this one because it stirs me like his other song I just linked to.

The windows rolled down, the hot wind blew through, taking with it the crud of this life, out the window is went…

I let myself let it go. Even if just for the day.

Letting go of the power the past holds over my head more than I'd like to admit. And taking back the power of how I choose to let life's circumstances affect me. No matter how valid and legitimate the pain may be, its ugliness isn't a welcome friend, more of an unwanted enemy.

And in the letting go…

Suddenly the physical and emotional pain didn't matter any more. It might still lay there under the surface, waiting to rear its ugly head again, but for now, in this moment, it was tiny in comparison to this…

Joy. Love. Peace. Happiness. Excitement. Truth. Relationship.

Him.

The ride ended…

with

me

like this

and this….

In this moment… here's me, so at peace I could have lifted out of this world and shot right through the clouds, to the other side.

You know, sometimes the swirling whirlpools of anger, pain, bitterness, sorrow, regret, shame and sadness are more powerful than the calming streams of love, peace, joy, contentment…

But not today. Not now. Not in this moment.

Oh how wonderfully refreshing  to be refreshed in His presence.

And to let go. {even if just for a moment}

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Jack was my first baby with my husband. I remember when we drove the long highway ride to pick him out. We arrived to a small home, a bit dingy, loaded with these adorable furry little puppies bounding all over the living room. Oh how adorable they were and the puppy breath, oh the puppy breath.

10 years later and the breath is pretty fowl, he doesn't bound as easily, but he's still a furr ball of love. 10. Hard to believe 10 years has passed. He's now an old man, we're being reminded of that with this huge tumor growing on his chest. The vet said if it's cancer the treatment would be expensive and likely wouldn't be effective because of where it is and his age. They worry it has moved into his lungs, if it's cancer.

The reality of this new season we've moving into with him has slammed me in the face, and it is sad. I love him more than any pet we've had. Such a sweet little guy he is, always loving and forever my hiking buddy. No matter what it is, or isn't, the fact is he's old draws me quickly into the reality that now is the time to really appreciate and spoil him.

Can do!

Today my husband is home from work. Actually four days of vacation this week, so we're all psyched to have him home. The mood is light, the children are content, video games and wrestling on the agenda.

The weather is perfect, warm but not melt-your-skin-hot like recent days. Quite possibly the dog days of summer are drawing to a close. Nice white socks, eh? Yep, those are my husbands and I'm a total nerd, this is true.

He starts first grade tomorrow. Not sure I'm ready. How can I say that when this has been such a long summer? Oh I don't know, because I love him so much and will miss his daily presence. Though I must admit, he's been awfully teenagerish lately and the two younger boys get along so well… I'm thinking the coming weeks will grow quieter and far more peaceful — I'll still miss him, though.

He's quite possibly the sweetest boy on the face of the earth.

I'm feeling good today. Today 'tis a better day. The cortisol pills I'm sucking down like candy are filling me up with energy, so much so that I don't even mind the aches and pains of the Lyme today.

I made my lunch today and cut the crust off the bread. Shhhh, that is my little secret. I'm a 32 year old woman (okay, not yet but in a couple months, so scratch that, I'm a 31 year old woman) and still cut the crust off the bread. I don't feel too silly since the bread is Ezekiel and totally healthy, the crust isn't the only healthy part.

Hey, did I tell you I love pickles? And drinking the juice? Yeah, totally do. The pickles are gone but the jar of juice remains in the fridge for later drinking!

How's your day today?

(blessed I hope!)

{Oh, one last thing, I'm over here again today.}

Related posts:

1. A Drop Of Joy Juice In This Moment
2. i {heart} love.

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