Rotating the Control Stick in Mario Party

Mario Party was fucking awesome. There are still few games that can compare to the simple fun of getting a bunch of your friends together and playing minigames for coins. And then, in the end, you end up screaming “GODDAMMIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS A HAPPENING STAR?!? I HAD 8 FUCKING STARS AND I STILL LOST?!?” But, despite what you’d think, the most prevalent injuries weren’t from strangulation among friends or electric shock after chewing through the cartridge trying to eat Toad’s brains for giving someone who did really shitty like 10 FUCKING STARS AT THE END. No, according to this article, Nintendo received several complaints about kids who were receiving blisters and other injuries by spinning the control stick with their palms instead of their thumbs. Of course, this is the mainstream media we’re talking about, so instead of reacting to this in a normal way, by saying “Ok, well, kids aren’t doing this the way they’re intended to, but Nintendo’s fixing the problem by offering free gloves which prevent the injuries,” they freak the fuck out and make shit up. For example:

“One kid got a tetanus shot,” said Christi Pritchard, a spokeswoman for New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.

A tetanus shot? Jesus christ! Was the kid playing in a bucket of rusty nails? Also, note who she works for. I think if anybody needs to get a shot to stave off disease, it’s probably her.

Another great line:

“The alarming thing was how little time some of these children spent playing the game before they were injured,” Pritchard said. “One parent said their child had been playing the game for 15 to 20 minutes when they got a second-degree burn.”

Heh, they’d probably be even more shocked if they knew that the “second-degree burn” the kid supposedly received (I say supposedly because I’ve spun the control stick enough times to know there’s no way he could have caused enough friction to leave a second-degree burn unless he was some kind of cold-fusion powered robot) took place in the space of a 30-second long minigame. Those “rotate the joystick” style games didn’t come up very often, and when they did, you never had to rotate for very long.

The problem with the article is the same as with any article about video games that appears in the mainstream press: apparently, journalistic standards just go out the window when you’re writing about video games. There’s no reason to do any research whatsoever; just copy and paste whatever press release the game company releases, then talk to outraged people who are just as fucking clueless and ill-informed as you are. Why should you have to talk to people who enjoy the hobby, or, god forbid, actually play the goddammed game? You’re a journalist, your job is reporting news, not virtual game Natendos. Those will never be news-worthy!

CNET’s poor journalistic ethics aside, you could really fuck your hands up on those control sticks. I got Mario Party for my birthday, and me and 3 of my friends sat and played it all night. It took us about an hour to figure out how much faster you could rotate if you did it with your palm, and once one of us figured it out, the rest of us had to do it to keep up. So, the next day, our hands were covered in blisters. It looked like we had been jerking off the Human Torch. Our hands hurt so bad we couldn’t hold the controllers correctly. That didn’t stop us from playing, of course. Mario Party fucking rules. At least, it does until Toad gives Donkey Kong 6 fucking stars at the end. He didn’t even earn them, he’s a monkey.

Virtual Boy Migranes

This one is a little harder for me to write about, because it’s something I’ve never personally experienced. The Virtual Boy has always gotten a lot of shit because apparently looking at it for 10 minutes causes your brain to start bubbling out of your ears. Supposedly the headaches are so bad that no one can play the damn thing, except for myself, apparently. Tell me THAT shit doesn’t sound like the premise for a cyberpunk movie: a virtual reality device which is so advanced (and yet looks so primative, like all the technology in cyberpunk movies) that no one can use it… except one man: Freddie Electric. Because when you’re in a cyberpunk movie, you have to have a retarded name.

Anyway, when people played the Virtual Boy for more than a few minutes at a time, the red-and-black color scheme and lack of outside light apparently caused severe headaches and, in some cases, temporary sight problems. It really sucks, too, because the Virtual Boy was fucking awesome. Seriously, you guys have no idea what you’re missing. Everybody always likes to beat on the VB because it was so “terrible”, but really, I don’t understand what was terrible about it. Most of the games were fantastic, and, except for the headaches it caused, there was really nothing wrong with the way it looked. I think most people who use it as a point of ridicule do so simply because they think it’s an easy target, and I’d wager that most of the people who use it as an easy punchline have never even played it, or if they have, they haven’t played it for long enough to give it a fair chance. Probably because of the headaches. Stupid humans and their inability to withstand a visual assault.

Controller-spinning Frenzies

Ok, this one is a little more abstract, because it’s not really a video game injury so much as it is a result of childhood stupidity, but every gamer I know did it, so I think it deserves inclusion.

Few things hurt as much as an NES controller spun around at top speed. I know, because I got fucking hit with them all the time. Thankfully, I grew out of that really early, but I had the misfortune to have a little brother 6 years my junior who didn’t. He loved to pick up my controllers and spin them around like a fucking lasso, and 9 times out of 10 this ended up hitting me right in the teeth. It got to the point where I knew exactly how much each controller hurt. The SNES controller has a smaller surface area, but is heavy and more compact, so the hits were harder. The N64 controller was chaos because it was so large, which lead to it being really hard to follow, which means it hit you more. However, the plastic was hollow, so it didn’t hurt as much, unless you got hit with the memory card/Rumble Pak slot on the back. The worst was the PS1 Dual Shock, though, because it was big, heavy, and pointed. A hit by one of those to the temples would hurt for hours. Fortunately, as the older brother, I didn’t need controllers to fight back with, because I could just punch him in the face, which was a lot easier and more efficient.

Of course, now most controllers are wireless, so this should be a thing of the past, right? Wrong.

Motion Controller Murder

With the new wave of motion-controlled systems, games are becoming more active than ever. This means that gamers are becoming more active than ever, and this can only spell tragedy. We don’t know what we’re doing when it comes to full-body movements, and Mountain Dew and pizza do many things, but they sure as hell don’t push your body to perform at max intensity (well, they force your heart to perform at max intensity, but that’s not quite the same thing). All of this shows, too; there are fully two websites dedicated solely to pictures and stories of horrific injuries inflicted by Wiimotes, and multitudes of pictures, videos, and one-shot novelty articles dedicated to the topic. A man went for a smash in Wii Tennis only to jam his hand through a glass lamp cover, shredding his hand to pieces. One woman gave herself a huge black eye before a series of job interviews, leading to her having to explain that she is not, in fact, being abused in her home life. Another woman killed her dog. Killed it! Just flat out. How do you throw a small, light piece of plastic hard enough to kill a dog? Is there some kind of slingshot-Wiimote game? Did she get hit by a bolt of lightning as it launched from her hand? Is she fucking Mileena? Or, with the Wiimote already killing animals, and both Microsoft and Sony introducing their own wholly derivative products, should we all run for the hills and pray that our new kitty-petting simulators and pretend handball games don’t find and kill us? I, for one, favor the latter. At the very least, it will save us from how inevitably shitty Move and the Microsoft EyeToy will be.

I’m feeling better after this weekend, though. After the music article I wrote, I got invited to the OneUps Studios BBQ, and got to take a weekend off to relax, see an amazing concert, and talk to some awesome people. It was a little awkward, because I was a complete stranger to pretty much everybody there except for Mustin (who initially contacted me to invite me, and to whom I talked quite a bit before leaving) and Dale North (who I knew through an incredibly awkward apology I wrote him for something stupid I said in that same article). Still, even coming in as a complete stranger, I met some really great people, and had a lot of fun, even if I was a bit shy. Most of what happened probably wouldn’t be that interesting to anyone but myself, but I did get some (poorly shot) videos of an amazing performance by the OneUps. Keep an eye out for those, they should be up soon.

I’ll be back to writing soon, I promise. And it’ll be something good.

Black Mage

One of my biggest problems with my drawings is that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to draw a person. I’ve never, ever, ever been able to get a regular human being’s dimensions down. So, even when I stick to video game characters, I have to draw things that have the simplest shapes possible. So drawing a Black Mage from Final Fantasy should be easy, right?

Am I ever correct about any hypothetical questions? This looks like a racist depiction of a black guy peeking out of a blue sock. Anybody who is familiar with the series will be able to tell exactly what it is, but they’ll also laugh at me and banish me from any groups they belong to. Also, check out this picture of this drawing before it was finished:

Here he looks like a sock with bodacious, if oddly angled, jugs.

Mallow

I just played through Mario RPG again, for like the 50th time. I think I may have beaten it more than any other game I own. I always feel kind of bad, because immediately upon gaining a 4th party member, I always take Mallow out of the party and he never ends up back in it again for the rest of the game. As part of this guilt, I decided to draw him.

I know he’s a fictional character, and that moreover this is a crayon drawing that I made myself, but I can’t help but feel like he knows how insulting this drawing is. It’s like, he’s smiling, but you know secretly he wishes he didn’t look like a bizarre piece of popcorn with 2 club feet and an arm that was mangled in a factory press.

Magnemite

I looooove Magnemite’s design. I like very simply drawn characters, and especially weird looking ones with one gigantic eye, and Magnemite fits the bill. Actually a lot of the Pokeymans fit that particular bill, but Magnemite probably does the best. But I’ve demonstrated in the past that I can’t seem to draw even the simplest of things. Is this in that category?

Actually, as far as my drawings go, I don’t think this one is too bad. I mean, it has its problems, but it captures the essence of the original Pokemon. Right? Maybe not, those screws on the bottom look awful. But I still like my little electric-type, poorly-drawn screws aside. He is SO going up at my desk at work.

So that’s really the best I can do. Any ideas as to what I should try to draw next?

That said, I’m not just giving in to please them or any other readers of my site. I still stand by my other fundemental problems with the band; they have nothing to do with Mega Man, and I’m still not a huge fan of their music or production (although the music isn’t really terrible, just not my cup of tea). When I’m writing late at night (which is almost all the time) I have a tendency to be a little overzealous with my own arguments. So, I want to stress that I haven’t changed my opinion of the group just because they posted a comment for me; it’s really more related to the fact that my arguments were a bit unfair and inaccurate. To any new readers of this site, I would like to promise that this isn’t the norm, mostly because my site is usually nothing but dick jokes and old video games. So, if you like dick jokes and old video games, stick around, because this party’s just getting started! By which I mean it has started 2 years ago. And also by “party” I mean largely imageless text.

There are a few truths that are generally accepted. The sky is blue, nachos are awesome, Dark Side of the Moon may be a perfect album, and licensed games suck. And yet, as universal as those truths are, they can be contradicted. The sky turns many different colors throughout the day, On the Run isn’t quite as interesting as the rest of the album outside of a historical context, and nachos can be prepared… ugh… California-style. And licensed games? Well, every once in a while a developer will make one that isn’t completely abysmal. And I’m not just talking about Goldeneye; there are great games that are based on way lamer franchises than that. Case in point:

M.C. Kids (NES, 1992, Virgin Interactive)

“A McDonalds game? They made a game based on McDonalds?”

Actually, they made two. But let’s not talk about the second one.

M.C. Kids is the story of 2 kids, one who is white, and one who is Buckwheat from the Little Rascals, who get sucked into a book they’re reading, which is apparently about McDonalds. I like to think that the kids live in a future dystopian corporatocracy, wherein all forms of entertainment are just advertising for major businesses. I like to think this, because, as depressing as that dark vision of the future is, it’s way less depressing than the idea that kids would just be reading a story about Ronald McDonald in their spare time. The kids find out that the Hamburglar has stolen Ronald McDonald’s magic bag! Fuck! Now it’s up to them to get Ronald’s magic bag back. Ronald would get it himself, but I mean, you know, he has stuff to do.

Furthermore, Ronald asks that you obtain some of his puzzle cards for him, which he has hidden throughout the levels. These are required in order to finish the worlds, but not the individual levels. In other words, Ronald has basically decided to make your quest to get his magic bag back as difficult as possible. In fact, it would probably be easier to just forgo Ronald’s requests and just go after the magic bag yourself. Why do I need to get a bunch of cards for Ronald, just so he can tell me how to get his goddamned magic bag back? If I have to work for his help in doing him a favor he can just go fuck himself. I’ll go hang out with Grimace. We’ll drink juice boxes and play on the special kids’ see-saw all day.

Score: 9/10

Yeah, the setting and story are retarded, but the game is fucking good. It’s easily one of the best and most creative platformers of its time.  It contains some puzzle aspects, and even uses a lot of physics-based platforming; for example, sometimes you see little spinners at the end of a platform. If you run over them while going fast enough, you’ll flip upside down, and gravity changes. Instead of falling to the ground, you “fall” up toward the ceiling. Often a level would have an entirely different style while you were flipped. Instead of avoiding enemies, you might be avoiding arrows that launch you all the way back to the beginning of the level, or trying to find a block you can hold on to to launch yourself even further with a trampoline, thus getting you further in the level.

The music is another high point. It’s very obviously designed by Europeans, because all European game composers insist on making the sound fidelity similar to a Commodore 64, even long after the technology could do better. Despite this, the music is extremely memorable, and is just begging to be remixed.

Graphically, the game is fairly pretty, with lots of well-contrasted colors, although the design of the characters is lacking. Your characters smile blankly, with no features other than large, dark, soulless voids for eyes. They seem almost as though they stare past you, beckoning you to come into their own personal hell, where you will be tormented by Fry Guys forever. Don’t believe me?

Look at them. They’re not reading. They’re looking at you. They’re looking past you. They’re looking through you.

They… They…

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Jurassic Park (SNES, 1993, Ocean)

The Jurassic Park games always got a bad rap, but some of them were actually pretty good. The SNES one was the best, although the first-person segments, while genuinely frightening at times, were clunky and slow. The really weird thing about the games, though, is that they usually wouldn’t let you kill dinosaurs, which you think would be a pretty integral part of a game about killing dinosaurs. Instead, you were allowed to “stun” the dinosaurs, which looked a hell of a lot like killing them. Just look at this screenshot:

Those have to be dead. And the best part is that Dr. Grant is standing among their corpses as though to show the remaining dinosaurs who’s gonna be running this Jurassic bullshit from now on. I can’t imagine him not screaming the lyrics to a Dio song and firing his lightning gun up in the air. Dude’s gotta have a dick the size of a water slide.

Score: 7/10

Jurassic Park may not be an award-winning masterpiece, but it’s pretty entertaining for a few hours, if for no other reason than to see how many dinosaurs you can murder with lightning.

DuckTales (NES, 1990, Capcom)

FUCK. YES.

DuckTales was always one of my favorite shows as a kid. This was back in the day when the Disney Afternoon was the single greatest thing you could watch on TV. TaleSpin, Gummi Bears, Rescue Rangers, and DuckTales? Insanity. If I’m not mistaken, in the early 90s it was the longest period of time you could sit without someone trying to teach you something. And the best part is that, with the exception of Gummi Bears, those were all turned into spectacular games.

The DuckTales game,  however, was a clear cut above the rest, just like the show. Excluding first-party games, I don’t think there’s an NES game that I would rank higher than it except the Mega Man games, and it’s no wonder: they were produced by the exact same team. DuckTales perfectly captured everything that made the show fun, like the adventure, characters, and landscapes, but also managed to be a creative, involving platformer, the kind that acted as the bridge between games as entertaining diversions and games as storytelling art. It just goes to show that not only are licensed games sometimes “not shitty,” they can even sometimes be better than most non-licensed games.

Score: 10/10

I know, I hand out perfect scores like they’re Skittles and I’m the unpopular kid whose parents give him money every day to buy candy. But DuckTales really deserves it. The game is nothing short of perfect. The level design is inventive and rewards exploration (just like in the show), the gameplay and controls are tight, the graphics are some of the best of the 8-bit era, and the music is nothing short of amazing. It’s by far one of my fondest memories of the NES era.

DuckTales is very visibly designed by Capcom. In addition to their characteristically perfect controls and gameplay, as well as the easily identifiable music of Yoshihiro Sakaguchi (who I spoke about at length a while back), the graphic design looks very similar to Mega Man. Check it out:

Tell me it doesn’t look like some ducks just wandered into Mega Man 2.

Although nearly every element of this game was great, the single thing that probably stands out the most to gamers of a certain age (like myself) is the theme music for the Moon level. While I’ve written about it previously, I just can’t understate what a big deal this song is to gamers who grew up playing games in the early 90s. It encapsulates everything that has ever been great about video game music.

I’m just going to leave you with this:

Ahh, memories.

I’m also going to leave you with this, because it’s maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever seen:

God Brentalfloss is awesome. Look for him in part 2 of my apparently controversial article about video game musicians.

The Black Mages

Although they’re renowned for many reasons, the Black Mages are probably best known for actually having Final Fantasy series composer Nobuo Uematsu in the band. He rocks the hell out of pianos, organs, and keyboards along with Kenichiro Fukui (an awesome composer in his own right, having worked on Sunset Riders, Lethal Enforcers, and the tragically underrated Einhänder, as well as arranging the soundtrack for the DS version of Final Fantasy IV with Junya Nakano), backed by Tsuyoshi Sekito (who did the soundtracks for Brave Fencer Musashi and The Last Remnant) and Michio Okamiya (Square publicity) on guitar, Keiji Kawamori (who arranged Final Fantasy III DS with Tsuyoshi Sekito) on bass, and Arata Hanyuda (also from Square Publicity) on drums. They sound like if Deep Purple and Emerson, Lake, and Palmer had an instrumental love child, which I suppose is appropriate since Uematsu has mentioned both bands as a huge influence. Actually, now that I think about it, pretty much every video game composer has mentioned ELP as an influence at some point. They’re one of those bands like Dream Theater who you can rock out to like crazy but still feel smart because of the classical influences. You can thoughtfully headbang, possibly while wearing a monocle and smoking a pipe.

Choice Tracks

Matoya’s Cave (The Black Mages II: The Skies Above)

I was so happy that someone did a cover of my favorite song from the original Final Fantasy that I wouldn’t have cared what it sounded like, but the fact that it’s arguably the most beautifully arranged track the band has ever done really puts it over the top. I admit I’m a sucker for classical guitar arrangements of video game songs, but this one is probably the best I’ve ever heard. Plus the extended rock out section in the middle is really fun to watch live (on their DVD anyway, I’m not cool enough to have seen them in person).

Opening ~ Bombing Mission (The Black Mages III: Darkness and Starlight)

Ok, this probably should have went to the epic and amazing version of the ENTIRE OPERA (!) from Final Fantasy III/VI, but as good as that track is, I really enjoy listening to this one more. This is probably because of nostalgia, but regardless of the reason, I love this song. It evokes really powerful memories of the Christmas I got FF7, and even though I didn’t have a memory card yet, I sat and played the shit out of it. I remember it’s the first time I ever saw swearing in a game, mostly because my parents saw it. Fortunately, my parents didn’t really mind, because they knew I was mature enough to handle it, and I credit my appreciation for intellectual pursuits (like this dick joke-filled website) to that lax parenting. Hell, my dad took me to see Starship Troopers when I was 9, which I think led to my lifelong appreciation of popcorn sci-fi and also tits. Anyway, yeah, if you’ve heard the original track (which you have if you’ve played the game, since it’s the first track you hear), there’s really not a whole lot to say about this cover, other than that it’s completely awesome. I don’t know what else you could want.

Dancing Mad (The Black Mages)

Dancing Mad, the theme song for the greatest video game villain of all time, is one of the most epic songs I’ve ever heard a band do. Any band, not just a video game band. It’s such a tremendous, powerful song, and it ranges from desperate to furious to soaring in such a way that evokes all the images of that final boss fight better than the original track did. The best part of the song, and the reason the arrangement is so much better than the original, is because the end of the track features the greatest solo of all time. Period. Listen to the whole track, and when get to that solo at the end, just try not to scream “FUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEESSSSSSSS” along with the guitar. I don’t want to have to be the one to say so, but if you don’t, the fact is you are a giraffe rapist.

The OneUps

The OneUps are pretty much the opposite of the Black Mages in every way except talent. They’re a little harder to define, because they don’t really stick to one genre, but are generally a little softer and more laid-back and groovy. A lot of their work hovers around light jazz, but never stays pinned down for too long. It’s really refreshing, since so many bands stay around the “here are some Nintendo songs exactly as they sounded originally, but we play them with really crunchy guitars, and we laugh about it too so you can’t laugh at us” mold that the Minibosses created (and perfected, and became the only band capable of doing without being obnoxious or insulting to gamers). They’re really closer to a collective than anything else (although I hate using that term since every untalented, pretentious-ass indie fuck likes to use that term for their shitty bands just because they occasionally have guest musicians), and their lineup changes pretty often. However, one of the constant members who has been with the band since the beginning is famous OCRemix member Mustin. He’s probably my favorite individual arranger in the video game fan community, and he has a huge catalog of work outside of the OneUps (if you can hunt it out, get The Mustin Collection; it’s fantastic). Another constant member is Dale North, who you may know as the news editor of Destructoid. His work is pretty good as well, especially his version of Pollyanna from Bound Together, the other other best song on the album, after the OneUps track and Ailsean’s version of the drugstore theme (as detailed below).

Choice Tracks

Summers (Bound Together)

Bound Together is probably my favorite video game tribute album of all time. I admit that part of the reason for that is because Earthbound is probably my favorite video game of all time,  but there’s a lot more to it than that. Bound Together was the first album that showed me there’s a lot more to the fan-made game music tribute scene than bland, generic techno and abrasive, shitty hardcore (the only kind of hardcore). Bound Together spans all kinds of different genres, from jazz to rock to techno to ambient to new age. It’s a perfect tribute; it’s eclectic, strange, humorous, mindful, and touching, just like the game it was inspired by. The OneUps version of the town theme of Summers is maybe my favorite track (although Ailsean’s excellently jazzy guitar rendition of the drugstore theme, The Drugstore Sells Sparks!, is a strong contender). The instrumentation is great, and it really showcases the excellent sax work that makes so many OneUps tunes so awesome. It sounds exactly like what the original track was supposed to sound like; groovy, laid-back, relaxing-in-the-sun beach music.

Green Hill Zone (The OneUps Volume 2)

This track, the first world theme from Sonic the Hedgehog, is probably my favorite track on any Sega system, and the OneUps tear it up. As I said before, the sax work is a big part of what makes their music so good, and this song really shows it off. The guitar work is particularly great, too. It also features a great little electric piano solo. The electric piano is probably my favorite instrument (except possibly the fretless bass), so this is a big plus for me. It’s almost evocative of the 70s work of Bob James, most famous for Angela, the theme song from Taxi, and that may be why I like it so much.

Aquatic Ambiance (The OneUps Volume 1)

This is pretty much the epitome of what a video game cover should be. It pays tribute to the original track while expanding on it creatively, using magnificent instrumentation and arrangement to not only capture the essence of the original track and the atmosphere of the game but to have an atmosphere all its own, making a track that may be better than the original.

Unfortunately, there are bands that aren’t quite this good. There are also bands that completely fucking suck. Here’s are examples of both:

The Protomen

EDITED: This generated a ton of controversy, partly because of a few factual errors in the original article. I’ve fixed this up, and tried to make my arguments a little clearer. I’m not used to having to be fair, mostly since I’m used to being the only one really reading my articles. And yes, that was a joke.

I don’t think the Protomen are a good band. Despite being educated at one of the best schools in the country for music, their production sounds amateurish at times (and not in a good way), and I don’t really care for their music. but they have their moments of rock. It’s not really so much that the Protomen are a bad band, though, so much as it is that, despite their marketing,  they aren’t a video game band in any way, shape, or form. “Now, wait a minute,” you say, “that’s not fair, just because they don’t play songs from video games doesn’t mean they aren’t a video game band! They play music based on video games!” (Jesus you talk a lot. This is my fucking article, and anyway, how is that even possible?) To this I say, in what way? Yeah, they used Dr. Wily, Mega Man, Proto Man, Proto Man’s hat, and the concept of robots. That’s like saying Lost is based on John Locke’s Two Treatises of Government because it has a character named John Locke in it. Most of the acclaim for the Protomen revolves around their narrative, and don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad story. It’s just that it’s not fucking Mega Man’s story, which means they aren’t a fucking Mega Man band. “Well, at least they’re doing something original,” you bray. Well, that’s true, except for the fact that it isn’t. You see, there’s a band called The Megas which has been around since 2004. They’re more talented musicians, and producers, and they play songs that are actually from Mega Man. They are a video game band. Moreover, their lyrics follow a storyline. A storyline about Dr. Wily. A storyline about Dr. Wily using his robots to take over the world. A storyline that is a whole fucking lot like the Protomen’s, only related to Mega Man. Now, I’m not saying that the Protomen ripped them off, obviously they didn’t. I’m just saying that this isn’t something that has never been done.  Furthermore, how original is the idea of a robot dystopia? Are you saying you’ve never heard of a story about a robot dystopia? “Ok, maybe it’s not original, but they have a great stage show!” Yeah, maybe when they give a shit, they do. Unfortunately, when I saw them in concert, they really didn’t seem to give a shit. They apparently got to the show late, and then took a fucking hour and a half to set their equipment up. They had a few keyboards, a guitar, a bass, a drum kit, and a couple of amps. Most of the sound was already run, because the venue had a sound system. This should have taken 20 fucking minutes, or even less, to set up, judging by the equipment they used (which, yes, I am familiar with).  The worst part is that after all this work, they played one song which didn’t work right. Then, after about 10 more minutes of messing with their equipment, when the supposedly “legendary” stage show started, they hit a piece of metal with a hammer. I didn’t know the in-depth story or anything, but I’m a sucker for theatrics. After that, though, it was about 30 minutes of playing normally, albeit in hats and makeup, at a volume sufficient to make the poorly mixed sound irrelevant. Then, they played an admittedly awesome version of Total Eclipse of the Heart, and packed up and left town. That was it. Honestly, at first I only went to see them because my friend’s band Midnight Radio was there (they rocked the house), but by the day of the show, I had started to get excited about seeing the Protomen. But they really came off like a bunch of cocky assholes that think they’re bigger than they are, and like they could really give a shit less about people who are willing to support them unless they can personally benefit from them. I felt really let down. This is really my biggest problem with the band: their attitude. I’ll admit that from a songwriting standpoint, yeah, they generally know what they’re doing, better than some bands, anyway. They have a couple of tightly written songs. I’ve listened to both their albums about 10 times through, if only because I was trying to figure out what all the fuss is about. But I don’t care how talented a group is if they treat a show like it doesn’t matter just because there aren’t enough people there, and I become actively pissed when they try to act like “video game band” is a pejorative. Most of their fanbase is made of video game fans, they play a lot of video game conventions, and they’re supposedly “inspired” by video games. So why would they be embarrassed of being called a video game band? Like I’ve said before, there’s nothing wrong with playing video game music or being associated with the culture, and it’s insulting to act like you’re better than your fans. So, to reiterate, they’ve made some decent albums. I just can’t say anything positive about them outside of that, except that maybe that the research for this article led me to discover and fall in love with The Megas. <3 you guys.

HORSE the Band

HORSE the Band is possibly the worst band, of any kind, that I’ve ever heard. They are a fucking joke. That’s all I can say about them.

My wife, though, has this to say: “More like HORSESHIT!”

Well, ok, any of you who know me know I can’t shut up about things I hate until I’ve exhausted every possible negative point. Listen to this musical abortion. Like most hardcore, it’s the musical equivalent of a Michael Bay movie, a lot of distracting musical explosions with no real talent or direction behind it. Playing it in the midst of a battle would constitute a war crime. Furthermore, they refer to their sound as “Nintendo-core,” a name as obnoxious as it is laughably inaccurate. Owning a synthesizer does not make you a fucking video game band. I guess if that’s the only way you can promote your band, though, more power to you! Unless your band causes Ear AIDS, like HORSE the Band. REAL TALK.

So why would I even attempt to make a list of the Mario games I think are the best, which can be a very contentious issue? Because I love to make lists. I make them compulsively, in fact. I have a spiral notebook with many, many lists in it, counting everything from favorite snack cakes to favorite cartoons. This, coupled with my terrible handwriting, leads most people to think the lists were made by a surprisingly sophisticated 6-year-old, and these people are usually a bit worried when they find that a 22-year-old man has a list of his favorite spaceships. Nonetheless, I find making these lists a lot of fun, and that spills over into this site quite a bit.

Anyway, let’s get started. (Keep in mind these are in no particular order.)

Super Mario 64 (N64, 1996, Nintendo)

Super Mario 64 marked an absolute landmark moment in gaming history. Just like with Super Mario Bros. before it, it marked a turning point in the industry, and marked the moment when 3D games really reached the “next generation” we’d been promised for so long. It’s impossible to overstate what a massive impact this game had on the industry. After it came out, every 3D platformer had to control tightly and allow you control over the camera, or else it would end up like Bubsy 3D, the shitting-room floor of the outhouse of bad 90s 3D platformers.

But none of this really matters if you’re reviewing the game itself. So how does the game stand up if you review only on its merits as a game?

Score: 10/10

Pretty fucking well. There have been quite a few games I loved in my adolescence that I have recently returned to playing. Some, like Mario Kart 64 and Wave Race 64, are (naturally) exactly as fun as I remembered. Others, like Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball and Doom 64, simply don’t hold up as well as I remember. But Super Mario 64 manages to still inspire the exact same level of fascination and wonder that it did the first time I played it, craning my neck to look at a screen 4feet above me at a Wal-Mart kiosk, trying to use all 5 fingers to control the thumbstick.

But this isn’t just nostalgia; every single element of this game still holds up. The music, the sound, the graphics, the level design, the controls, all of it is still absolutely stunning, although perhaps not technically so. The graphics look jagged sometimes and there’s a lot of clipping problems, but despite that, the game still looks quite impressive. Although a lot of later N64 games, particularly platformers, had a lot of problems with color contrast (my wife still has trouble playing a lot of games she loves just because the colors give her such a headache), Mario 64 had a beautifully lush palette and a lot of really well-designed characters that manage to be every bit as iconic and recognizable as characters in previous Mario games. The same goes for the sound; I love the music in all the Mario games, but I would say hands down the best song in the series, if not necessarily the most iconic or important, is the Dire Dire Docks theme from SM64. I never really noticed it when I first played the game, but when I started listening to game music as a genre, I really noticed how spectacular this song was. It’s incredibly atmospheric, and there’s something that is just indescribably beautiful about it.

Probably the biggest key to SM64′s success, however, is how incredibly fun it is to control Mario. To this day there has never been a game more fun to control than this one. The controls were just tight enough, and the range of moves Mario had was just big enough to allow you an extreme degree of freedom of movement without feeling too complicated. Honestly, I’m not sure there will ever be a game that will be more of a blast to play than this one.

Also, I just realized that not a single thing I just said was funny. So, in lieu of my own comedy, here’s some made with Super Mario 64. Mario sliding backwards at 90 miles an hour up those stairs is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever seen:

Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars (SNES, 1996, Nintendo/Squaresoft)

God, 1996 was so awesome.

Super Mario RPG was far, far more than just Mario in a Squaresoft RPG. In fact, in terms of gameplay, it’s probably the most innovative RPG to come out since, well, Dragon Warrior. For some reason, it’s also one of my absolute clearest memories of purchasing a game. I remember my grandmother (who also really likes RPGs) brought me to Wal-Mart on the way home from her house to my parents’, and had me go ahead and pick it up. Then, I finally got home, and found that my parents weren’t home, and I had no key. So, I ended up having to wait for what felt like hours riding around with my grandparents waiting for them to get home. I don’t know why I remember that so clearly, but I can remember every second of it, everything that was on our deck while I was waiting, what was in my grandmother’s car, everything. I don’t even remember my first girlfriend as well as that. Mostly because she was a bitch.

Score: 10/10

I know it seems like I’m giving out perfect scores like candy, but I really think it’s justified here. SMRPG is one of the most unique games ever made, in terms of gameplay, story, and even the way it interprets Mario canon. It’s also a very fun game, and it has a surprising amount of depth and replay value.

One thing that really stands out to me about the game is how entertaining the characters are. The characters created specifically for the game are very entertaining (and are graphically really well-designed SMRPG has given me some of my personal favorite characters ever, like Booster, Belome and Jonathan Jones, and even the minor characters, like Croco and Punchinello, are very memorable. The Mario series characters are given new twists that manage to both fit in with the characters’ established personalities and provide endearing new twists to the characters – for example, Bowser’s hidden emotional side. This is another high point about the game: it’s hilarious. It’s actually genuinely funny, on purpose, which is still really rare in games. The story is also really entertaining, despite its (on the surface) generic “collect the 7 somethings” storyline.

One big thing that made the game so memorable and enjoyable to me that never seems to be mentioned by most reviewers is the absolutely spectacular music. Yoko Shimomura is really underrated. She’s done great work, especially with Capcom (where she worked on Breath of Fire, Street Fighter II, and several classic Capcom beat-em-ups), but Super Mario RPG is probably my favorite thing she ever did. She really brings Koji Kondo’s music from the Mario games to new heights as an arranger and goes far beyond just remixing them. These arranged tracks, combined with her original music, really brings together the atmosphere of the game – fun, upbeat, and entertaining.

The gameplay, though, is what sets the game apart for most people. SMRPG is a perfect example of how fresh you can make a traditional JRPG seem without utilizing confusing, over-complicated, or just downright shitty battle systems. Mario doesn’t just veeeeeery sloooooowly walk 1 tile at a time from conversation to conversation; you jump, run, dodge, and interact with everything around you. You even get to do the slide-under-the-block trick from level 1-2 of Super Mario Bros. in the Pipe Maze section. The battles are also really entertaining, retaining the fight-magic-item system from traditional JRPGs, but involving you in the battle via “timed hits.” This simple timed-press trick makes it very fun to fight, and finding a new weapon or learning a new spell refreshes the battles before they have a chance to get stale.

SMRPG is charming, innovative, unique, and just a blast to play; in short, everything an RPG based on the Mario series should be.

Super Mario World (SNES, 1991, Nintendo)

It was a tough decision between this and Mario Kart 64, but SMW won out by a small margin.

I know that everybody considers SMB3 to be the best of the 2D platformers, and I understand why. It’s phenomenal. It’s such an incredible game and really presaged the future of games, arguably more than the original. There are few games that bring more pure, unadulterated fun directly to your face.

I said “few” for a reason. SMW is, in my opinion (which admittedly is a bit off from the rest of the world) anyway, more fun than SMB3. As great as SMB3 was, SMW controlled better, had superior level design, and had even more depth than its predecessor.

Funny story about SMW: Shigeru Miyamoto was disappointed with it at the time. He felt that it was incomplete and that he didn’t get to do everything with it he wanted to, which was apparently a recurring theme with the early Mario games (for example, he had wanted to add Yoshi ever since the original SMB). That’s right – Shigeru Miyamoto was disappointed with what is generally considered to be one of the absolute greatest games of all time. Kind of like how John Lennon threw away songs that were better than anything most bands spent their entire lives on; that’s why Miyamoto is one of the greatest creators of our time, and why I favor just giving him the Moon, as a gift. Seriously. I’ll present it to him; I’ll be like “This is for Mario. And Zelda. Seriously! You can keep it.”

Score: 10/10

That’s right; three ten out of tens. And honestly, there are probably several more games in the series I would give a perfect score in this series.

Super Mario World is just one of those games that did everything right. It’s still one of the prettiest 2D games ever. The graphic design is top-notch, and undoubtedly influenced the look of many other games from the same time, and even now. The music did the same, and really showed off Koji Kondo’s skills as an arranger as well as a composer; nearly all of the music in the game is a variation on one tune, and most people I know don’t notice that until I tell them. Having bongo drums added to the music while you’re riding Yoshi was a neat touch as well. SMW is also one of the biggest Mario games, and has a mind-boggling amount of things to do, especially if you consider that the concept of having so much to do in a platform game was nearly unprecedented at the time. It’s also just a tightly made platformer; I still don’t think there’s ever been a game in the genre that controls so well and encourages so much exploration of the physics and momentum of the game. As an example, check out this awesome fucking video. It’s made entirely with sounds and objects in the game (although they’re arranged with a level designer, which just hacks up the ROM as it exists with no modifications). It doesn’t really make my point very well, but isn’t it fucking awesome?!?

- Thank you, I hear that in every interview.

- I see why! So, this “Facebook.” What the hell is it?

- Well, it’s a social networking site that brutally violates your privacy.

- I see. Well-

- Seriously, it just, like, REAMS your privacy. It sees your privacy at the bar, and it’s like, “Man, I want some of that sweet advertising action.” So it hits on your privacy all night and it keeps turning Facebook down, so it drugs your privacy’s drink, takes it home, rapes it, and steals all of its identifiable information and sells it to its advertiser friends. Then it-

- Right, right. If it’s that bad, though, why are you on it?

- I love money. Like, a lot. And I’d like to have some of it. Plus, I could use the exposure to make myself more popular, thereby building my demagogue up enough to form a militia and… well, you know.

- That’s a great idea! I think everyone should follow your every word and start stockpiling weapons to use in your name! So what kind of content can we expect on this Facebook page?

- Well, you should be able to find most of the content from my Twitter page. Redundancy is key to social media. Also, you’ll see various updates and messages from me from time to time, plus you’ll be able to interact with me directly!

- Like your users already can via email, comments, Twitter, and instant messaging?

- Why am I trying to sabotage myself via this interview?

- Because of your crippling mental disabilities that leave you arguing with yourself on the internet!

- Right! I had forgotten about that already. Go to the new page!

I see you sitting in the corner there. I know what you’re planning to do. You’re planning to do a flash kick, aren’t you? It’s pretty obvious. I mean, you only have two moves. You might as well come over here and try that cheap-ass double sweep kick, because I’m not stupid enough to walk right into a flash kick. That shit hurts. Hell, look at me; I’m sitting here writing you a letter. I’ve got time. I don’t have a fireball or anything, so I can’t hit you from afar. All I can do is sit here and wait. I’ve got to wait. Dammit I can’t wait anymore. I’m going over there. And I -

FUCK!

Goddamn you Guile. Goddamn you and your fucking flash kick.

Signed,
E. Honda”

“Dear Dead or Alive characters:

Your fighting game fucking sucks. It’s not even fighting. It’s fucking defending and then reversing attacks. Please make more beach volleyball games. We likey cleavage.

Signed,
The Street Fighter Gang”

“Dear Haggar,

Why aren’t you getting in on this? It’s legal ass-busting. Seriously! I beat the crap out of some Chinese chick and they didn’t even call the police! And that’s a good thing, because I’m still dressed in a striped convict outfit with shackles on my hands and feet. Come down here and kick some ass with me!

Your pal,
Cody”

“Vega, buddy. Seriously. At first when we started teasing you and saying you were gay, it was a joke. But we took note of how offended you were and stopped. You said you weren’t, and that was good enough for us. But then more and more evidence kept coming up. Now we found this picture of you on a men’s dating board:

I know you’re probably going through a lot of things. It’s really stressful to hide stuff like that. But you can talk to us. This is a safe place, and you’re with friends. We won’t judge you. We didn’t judge Blanka. Just be honest with yourself, and you can be honest with us.

Love (the hetero kind, not, you know, gay)
Your friends at Shadaloo

P.S.: Zangief thinks you’re cute.”

“Cammy:

We here at Sears understand your participation in the World Warrior tournament is a point of great pride for you. It is for us too; that’s why we decided to sponsor you. However, we feel that the requirement that you wear more than your fighting uniform to meet and greets and other Sears-sponsored events was implicit in your endorsement agreement. We feel that the remarkably skimpy outfit you wore to our Sears KidsNOW! event goes beyond the limits of good taste into the territory of potential legal action by the parents of the children who attended. We would appreciate it if you used more common sense in the future.

Signed,
Jim Varina
Sears PR Manager”

“Ryu:

…

- Akuma”

“To All My Fellow Street Fighters:

HADOUKEN! 

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

HADOUKEN!

SHORYUKEN!

- Love, Ken”

"C'mere, fatty. You're under arrest for extreme porkulence. Don't struggle, I just shot an old man for less than that."

I really enjoy the first couple of levels, where I’m just a regular cop, and become less interested in it as the game becomes more fantastic, revolving around a cyborg cop shooting robots and such. It’s still a pretty good game, it’s just not as interesting, although there is something to be said about the logical question of why, upon being sieged by evil robots, the best thing the city can muster is a beat cop. That’s a big reason why I play so many terrible games: I can just make up my own insane motivations for what I’m doing. Granted, most of these plots I’ve come up with could easily be used in a court of law to demonstrate why I shouldn’t be allowed custody of my own children, but hopefully you’ll find them as funny as I do. Let’s start with:

Super Off-Road

I used to play Super Off-Road all the time, and I remember doing quite well at it. However, I must have been cheating, because when I went back and played it for my article on it the other day, I found that holy shit, Ivan “Ironman” Stewart is a fucking dick. You have to tune up your truck over time after winning races, but Ivan “Ironman” Stewart? He’s already got a nice truck, a way nicer truck than you have, pissant. It goes 8 times faster than yours, it looks nicer, and it has a 3-supermodel minimum. You would be lucky to have a milk jug full of Astroglide in your truck to have sex with. Ivan “Ironman” Stewart has 70 nitro boosts at all time. How many do you have? Oh, 10? That’s cool, I guess you don’t like to go fast.

Yes, he dresses like this all the time.

You manage to keep up with Ivan “Ironman” Stewart on the big-time off-road circuit, even if you can’t quite beat him. But little do you know that Ivan “Ironman” Stewart hides a terrible secret. Behind that facade of an alpha dog off-road racer beats the cold, mechanical heart of a monster. You see, when you finally beat Ivan “Ironman” Stewart in a race, he becomes enraged. He transforms into his sinister second form: a 70-foot-tall truck-eating cyberdevil.

Stewart, in the silver suit, immediately before his transformation. He’s about to devour the nasty slut next to him. It’s the snack with syphilis!

Ivan “Ironman” Stewart’s new form, Iron “Ivan Stewart” Man (no relation to any of the other Iron Men, including the superhero and 6-time men’s Ironman Triathlon winner Dave “The Man” Scott), rampages throughout the American southwest, destroying all he comes upon. It’s up to you, the anonymous off-road driver, to stop him. And unfortunately, you’re just a generic truck racer who looks like a roadie for Aerosmith.